Thursday, July 10, 2014

Futures End #10

The Modern Era of comic books began when The Key stopped wearing his ridiculous fucking costume (not pictured. Should I picture it? Maybe I should picture it after the caption!).

Remember a time when super heroes were often beaten by people dressed like this?

I bet The Key just got angrier and angrier every time he was arrested by a super hero and they'd say, "I'm locking you up and throwing away the key!" Batman alone probably used that one a half dozen times. Another reason he was always angry was because you don't give a guy known as The Key that can open any locks the normal, run-of-the-mill cavity search. Oh no. You've got to get those digits way on up there just to make sure. Is it possible to shove an entire fist up an asshole and then open your hand and feel around? Because that's probably the treatment he got every time he was sent to prison. They probably even had to make sure his dickhole was clean of lockpicks. With a little conditioning, you can get a whole set up there.

Anyway, that's what happened to The Key. He really just thought he'd try his hand at super villainry by dressing up and robbing a few banks. But after the constant punning after being captured and the incessant body searches, he eventually turned pale and white, his hair went gray, and he just plain stopped caring about his appearance. His tormentors turned him into a ghoul that was too angry and traumatized to be whimsical. When he came back in Grant Morrison's Justice League run, those fucking Justice League members deserved everything they got.

This issue begins with masked Superman breaking through a wall because he's forgotten how to open doors. At first I thought Masked Superman might be Power Girl. But she's a prisoner on Cadmus Island, so then I thought maybe Kara. But I never really liked that guess because Kara is way too sleight to pull off Superman. So now, judging on the way the skin tight suit is fitting, I think it might be Booster Gold. He's got that force field that can do most of the work for him, plus his Legion Flight Ring, and any other future tech he may have access to. Plus he hasn't been around since he tried being an old west sheriff.

Superman is trashing a science lab where science happens and threatening the life of Ethan Boyer. Hopefully Lois Lane isn't around recording his on the record death threats! That would be just like an ace investigative journalist!

Oh shit! Spin control! Spin control!

Even when I'm joking, I can't help guessing plot points! I figured Lois was still investigating her stupid numbers that some whacko nutjob sent her in the mail. How could she have gotten back here so quickly? Not only that, why the fuck is she here?! Shouldn't Superman be questioning why she was in this lab? If she knew the lab was abandoned and she came to check it out, why is she grilling Superman about why he has also come to check it out? I guess that's what makes her such a great journalist! She knows she shouldn't be in this building either so she instantly puts the other person on the spot! Or maybe she's actually Ethan Boyer's shapeshifting alien clone! Oh wait. I forgot I was reading DC for a second and not Marvel. It's probably just Lois.

Meanwhile at The Wounded Duck (get it? Red Robin is a lame duck because he's not superheroing anymore? He's so clever!), Coil continues, ten issues on, to point out to The Key that he hasn't officially joined their Terrifitech Raiding Party. Can you waste any more time, asshole?! Either bow out or agree to try the fucking plan already! Why can't The Key just use his brain unlocking, mind control, really fucking stretching the idea of his powers power and force him to agree?

Terry McBatman might know how to convince Coil to join the team though.

Coil is about ready to agree to the plan with Terry McBatman's new information and a floor plan of Terrifitech at his disposal. And instead of letting this guy convince Coil so they can get on with their raid, The Key tries to send him packing. This is why The Key has never been a very successful evil mastermind! Trying to form a team of somewhat confident individuals isn't anything like hiring a bunch of thugs and forcing them to refer to themselves as Key-Men.

When The Key acts up, Terry McBatman Tonga Death Strikes his ass and knocks him out cold.

How does Red Robin know Terry pulled the "deathless" version on The Key? Does the regular version cause the head to explode?

When the bartender mentions he knows Batman, Terry gets jealous and decides to move the meeting of his new gang somewhere else. After they leave, Red Robin catches his girlfriend snooping through his stuff. So he rewards her with some jewelry! It's nice to know somebody cares so much that they'd root through your belongings to try to uncover things about your past that you might want to stay in the past. It's also nice to know that your significant other cares enough to give you a necklace that probably has a tracer in it and maybe even a microphone so he can listen in to all of your conversations. What a great relationship they have!

Meanwhile in space, we learn that Hawkman gets off on being dominated and that a member of Stormwatch other than Hawkman survived the attack by the Cancelator. It's either Apollo or The Engineer since their bodies were missing. I suppose it could also be Midnighter because he probably slowed his breathing and heartbeat down to a level that would allow him to float around in space for weeks before dying.

Back on Cadmus Island, Grifter fills half a page with his Narration Boxes, so nothing much has changed with him in the last five years. He also manages to get his ass beat by an invisible OMAC. Maybe it's Predator OMAC! Did Dark Horse lose their rights to The Predator? Deathstroke's sidekick, Fifty Sue (is that her name because it rhymes with 52? Is she from Earth 50? Is she a boy named Sue?) doesn't know anything about the OMAC that beat Grifter but she'd like to. So now she finally has a reason to keep Grifter alive: as bait for the invisible OMAC.

And finally in Vancouver, British Columbia, Green Arrow's sister outs Big Barda.

She calls herself "Jane Kirby" because she wants to be anonymous, like a Jane Doe, and she's a huge fan of Bruce Kirby.

Futures End #10 Rating: No change. I almost began this final paragraph with a statement about something I didn't yet know and then realized it would just be a statement that people would want to answer, so I decided not to say it. So let me say this instead: when did DC decide that colorists were human enough to get their names on the cover?! That's a bold move, DC! Next they're going to want adequate compensation and health benefits for their pets.

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