Can't I get a copy for $2.99 with the Scott Lobdell story removed?
I might actually enjoy the Scott Lobdell story since I'm not going to let anything ruin my day! Today is my cat Judas's fifteenth birthday. I baked him a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. He mostly just licked off the frosting and now he's lying on the middle of the floor resting. And holding his breath. He's so silly!
Everybody knows Green Lantern's secret origin! But I suppose DC has to stack these first few issues with Justice League members to make sure that the completionist fans out there buy up all the overpriced issues of this thing. I would have guessed Wonder Woman would have been on the cover of this issue since DC is always touting Supes, Bats, and Wonds as the big three. I suppose Wonder Woman and The Flash will make the covers of the next two issues.
Let's see how well I remember Green Lantern's origin! Abin Sur drink drives his ship right into the side of the Earth. Being that he wasn't wearing a seat belt, he's thrown from the cockpit and impaled on a cactus. Being without fear, he believes he'll pull through without contacting a replacement and dies. The ring then begins searching for a suitable replacement. It realizes Guy Gardner is the best man for the job but he's all the way on the other side of the globe or something and there's a guy named Hal Jordan who's much closer and might not have the least fear but he's got the most stubbornness and that's close enough to willpower. The ring pulls Jordan from his jet fighter and tells him that he's the new Green Lantern. Since Hal has never met a talking ring before, so he thinks he's having a conversation with the obviously dead alien in front of him. The ring convinces him to become Green Lantern by saying, "With great power, comes great amounts of partying." Hal chugs a beer, howls like a gorilla, and pumps his fist in the air before flying off to become the douchiest Green Lantern in history!
Was I close?
What the hell is Venditti doing? Trying to get me to sympathize with Hal on the first page? No way! Forget it! I hate kids and sad kids are the worst!
You had Hal at "most powerful weapon in the universe."
Green Lantern's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. The twist here is that Hal Jordan is addicted to fear. He tries to portray running toward fear as a noble thing but really he's just a fear junkie with Daddy Issues that left him with a death wish. At one point he says, "Everyone feels fear. Someone says they don't, they're a liar." Well, I don't feel fear and I'm not a liar! Well, okay, I do lie occasionally but not about important stuff! Although I did feel a bit freaked out after watching V/H/S in the dark in the wee hours of the morning last week. But being creeped out isn't exactly experiencing fear! Remember how Roosevelt said that fear only fears itself? I totally believe that and am not scared of anyth...eeek! SPIDER!
I know Batwoman's secret origin! Someone at DC Comics was sitting on the shitter one day and thinking, "Batman. Batman. How can we capitalize on more Batman without eroding the brand? Batman. Batm...Batwoman!" He then hopped off the toilet yelling, "I've got it! I've got it!" He stumbled out of the man's bathroom just as a female employee was stumbling out of the woman's bathroom yelling, "I've got it! I've got it!" And that's how the chocolate of Batwoman got deliciously mixed up with the peanut butter of 52! Also nobody washed their hands in the excitement of the moment which is why everybody that read the first printing issues of 52 got E. coli.
Another secret origin that begins with a sad kid and a dead parent!
Later, Kate leaves West Point for kicking too much ass and Batman tells her to not make a habit of being gay. Or vice versa. I always get confused between violence and homosexuality. I think it's because I grew up watching Three's Company. I knew Jack Tripper was pretending to be gay and you could tell his slapstick pratfalls were totally faked. So I thought being gay meant being clumsy and smashing your head into open cabinets and falling over furniture and getting bashed in the head by wine bottles.
Kate spends a few years training under her father's tutelage. He also designs her costume for her, edging quite a ways into copyright infringing territories. Later still, Kate meets Maggie Sawyer and they hit it off and everything is perfect! I think the last panel should have had Dan Didio's shadow looming over Batwoman and Gotham City scowling at the fact that she's happy and fulfilled.
Batwoman's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed this because, ignoring the death of Kate's mom, it was upbeat and positive. Kate's rise to Batwoman wasn't due to misfortune and trauma. She took control of her own life at every turn and became what she wanted to become, always true to herself. This origin story actually made me happy! Uh oh. That's a bad sign! If the happiness got out of the locked area in my brain then that means the fear may have gotten out as well! Shit shit shit shit shit. I wonder where I put the night lights?
If I read any Preboot comic books with Time Drake in them, I've completely forgotten about them. So I don't know anything about Tim Drake's Preboot Secret Origin except what I've heard from other people. This origin begins with Tim Drake claiming he figured out Batman's secret identity. I think that's what happened Preboot. But it isn't what happened in the previous Red Robin secret origin written by Scott Lobdell! No, he thought he figured it out. But he didn't. It was Dick Grayson who figured out Batman's secret identity in The New 52. But remember how I said Lobdell was probably going to ignore what he wrote before and completely change it? Well, so far, one page into this origin, it looks like that's what he's doing.
Is the smartest sidekick ever going to fall for the Batman and Bruce Wayne seen at the same time cover story?! Also, his name is now Timonthy!
So you mean like the moon? God, his way with words is terrible.
Red Robin's Secret Origin Rating: -1 Ranking. Look, I'm not a fan of Scott Lobdell. He's a lazy writer that seems uninterested in his characters. He seems to think he writes young adults well but they all just come off as annoying assholes. There was a time when I kept hoping he'd surprise me and write something decent but that day is long past. At this point, he's going to have to come up with some Watchmen level shit to get me to write something mediocre about his writing.