Sunday, July 13, 2014

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10

When did this title become a Macross/DC Elseworlds mashup?

This issue begins with another horribly written article by Lois Lane. Who is writing the Lois Lane articles for the Doomed story arc? Whoever writes the DC All Access Pass page must be writing Lane's articles as well because they are the same kind of appalling! They appall. I am appalled at having read each of her sentences. I will not keep them in my head. Here, take this one back because I don't want it: "Only the outlying areas of the boroughs of Park Ridge and Bakerline were spared, as everything around them literally fell, resulting in massive accidents throughout involving buses, cars, trains and aircraft in the area losing control." While I'm giving them away, take this awkward line as well: "As similar events occurred in Smallville, Kansas, just days ago, everyone is conjecturing what the connection is." How about using "speculating on the connection"? No? Too clear? Well, Lois should at least have used "speculated" later when she repeats "conjecture" because everything is conjecture and this article is shit. And finally, since I'm cleaning out the head space so that I never have to remember this nonsense, take this word from her article: "quesitons". Ugh!

Wait! I was just going to leave it at that but then I thought I'd mention how the only person Lane interviews for her article is some nobody off the street named James Hom who is full of conjecture! But it's conjecture that puts the blame squarely on Superman, so that's good enough for the Daily Planet. Since when did Perry White decide to treat Superman like J. Jonah Jameson treats Spidey?

Currently, Steel and Lana are under attack by Cyborg Superman and his Space Piranha.

Faster than you are? You just flew 99.99% of the way to Jupiter in a few hours!

Maybe Cyborg Superman and his Space Piranha zipped right past because now Steel and Lana are being attacked by Little Brainiac Squid ships. It's also possible I have no clear memory of the things flying along with Cyborg Superman at the end of Action Comics #33. I know that was just last week but I can't be bothered to remember everything, especially when I keep having to dump data like Lois Lane's articles and Roy Harper Narration Boxes written by Scott Lobdell.

It doesn't matter anyway because Superman arrives to smash everything to bits. Space Piranha bits look just like Little Brainiac Squid Ship bits, so if I just wait long enough, it won't matter how I describe them anymore. Although now I'm wondering how Superman got back from Krypton's solar system so quickly!

Back on Earth, the only people left awake in Metropolis are Lois Lane and Wonder Woman. And Lois Lane is a bit questionable since she's now become The Bride of Brainiac. It's a good thing Wonder Woman has keen instincts because she realizes something is wrong with Lois. Her decent eyesight might also have helped with the realization.

So that explains why the articles are so bad. Brainiac has been writing them. It takes more than super intelligence to understand the subtleties and intricacies of a new language.

Lois Lane will probably forget everything she took part in when this story is over because she's totally under Brainiac's control. I wonder how many people use the "I was Mind Controlled!" defense in comic book courtrooms? It's obviously a justifiable defense! I'd probably be mind controlled all the time! "I know I missed curfew by three days, dad, but I couldn't help it! I was mind controlled!"

Lois Lane is still friends with John Corben, also known as Metallo, so she has him attack Wonder Woman. And near Mars, Superman is beginning a battle with Cyborg Superman. Or a conversation. I forgot that this was written by Charles Soule and characters actually speak to each other instead of running around manically swinging their fists and kicking their legs.

Oh well, if Cyborg Superman says it can't be done, why bother trying? Just let Doomsday take over!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. Superman hasn't actually given himself over to Doomsday without first trying to stop Cyborg Superman's fleet, so I can't be upset about that. Yet! But I do have a complaint about Wonder Woman defeating Metallo and then just standing there watching Lois as she flies off (with Metallo's head) to continue with Plan B of her preparation for Brainiac. I suppose I could do the thing comic book companies expect fans to do, and that's to make excuses for the fucked up parts of the plot. If I were a die hard DC fan, I could explain away Wonder Woman's lack of kicking ass by saying she was probably mind controlled just enough to feel too sad about her missing boyfiend to follow Lois Lane. But DC isn't paying me to help write the scripts! So next time you have Wonder Woman decide not to stop somebody as they prepare Earth for invasion, I want a good reason spelled out in fifteen separate Narration Boxes! Of course, I'll have to bitch and whine about the amount of Narration Boxes and extrapolation, but what can you do? You just can't win if what you're trying to win is me being happy with DC Comics. If you want tongue-in-the-asshole amounts of warm fuzzies, maybe you should go check out the evil video reviews put out by C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. They want to be a part of DC and Marvel's worlds so badly that they'll say anything as long as it makes creators wet and hard. Fucking evil bastards!

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