Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Supergirl #33

DC Comics: "Don't forget our Wildstorm line of entertainment products!"

Supergirl needs some new friends and the Wildstorm characters need a title where they can get their feats in the door! That was a pun! Some people say punning is the last refuge of that one friend that annoys the fuck out of you and still thinks Disco Duck was the greatest song ever to be heard on the radio. It wasn't.

Popular Culture History Lesson #1: Disco Duck was an actual song that was played on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #2: Listening to the radio became a game of Audio Russian Roulette when Disco Duck began playing on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #3: The radio fell out of favor with everybody everywhere as soon as Disco Duck was first heard on the radio.

Popular Culture History Lesson #4: Rick Dees was a radio DJ that knew a guy who could do "a really fucking great Donald Duck impression" and somehow decided that should be turned into a fucking song. Nobody stopped him. God help us, nobody stopped him. Instead, people encouraged and helped him.

Multidimensional Popular Culture Lesson #1: The world was destroyed in 65% of alternate universes in which this song was played on the radio. The other 35% limped through a catastrophic existence with a blighted populace that had lost all sense of innocence and hope. Later generations didn't even know the song existed but in much the same way traffic continues to slow long after a crash has been cleared, they continue to feel and sense the despair and sense of loss created by this event. They think their futures have been ruined by out of control corporations and unthinking politicians and racial strife and sexual bigotry. They rally and fight and try to change their world, never realizing that the fight has long been over because of a stupid fucking song they've never even heard of. Good luck, children. I wish you well and hope you can rekindle a sense of belief and rebuild yourselves into a kind and gentle humankind. Though I doubt it is possible. I sincerely doubt for not only have I heard the song but my Aunt owned the record and played it incessantly for several Goddamned terrifying months.

Holy shit I think I've just retraumatized myself.

Um. Never mind all that. What was I talking about? Oh! Supergirl and her loneliness! She needs friends and it looks like Wildstorm characters are going to be her new friends! I hope she doesn't forget about Silver Banshee.

Tony Bedard Lobdellizes this issue's first page.

Supergirl battles the Kryptonian Armor Thing known as Worldkiller-1 as she steadily becomes poisoned by the Kryptonite in the atmosphere. How did the American military get their hands on so much Kryptonite? I thought barely any existed on Earth and Ultraman snorted most of that. But suddenly the military has enough to poison the Earth's entire atmosphere? Something's not right with the editors at DC Comics. If you don't give a shit about continuity, please stop pretending to give a shit about continuity and let the writers run free! I want to hear stories written by writers who want to write the stories they come up with rather than writers being forced to write the story ideas that the stupid, lazy, horrible DC Editors come up with! Not that I'm complaining about this story! Fuck it, I don't even care where all of this Kryptonite came from! I'm just looking to bitch and moan about something.

Speaking of continuity problems, the bomb exploded over Atacama Desert in Chile. Why am I better at the DC Editors' jobs than they are?!

As you can see above, the DC Editors suck. Also, you can see that Supergirl allowed Worldkiller-1 to merge with her so she can save the people of Earth by flying straight into Ground Zero of the Kryptonite Bomb! Well, the incorrect Ground Zero but forget about that! That's just a minor nitpick and I don't want to ruin my mood which is generally upbeat while reading Supergirl. Plus I have a cookie! If I allow DC Comics to spoil my cookie then the terrible editors win.

Worldkiller-1 sloughs off Supergirl because I love the word slough. I hope nobody ever starts using it as a derogatory term for a minority so that we all have to pretend to stop saying it! She then uses her Red Lantern Ring to hyperjump to the sun. That's a thing that Lantern rings can do? I don't get why everybody needs the stupid Indigo Lanterns to teleport them everywhere if Lantern rings can hyperjump and access pocket universes which are really just portals to planets that keep Power Batteries for safekeeping.

Supergirl flies into the sun to save a day! Not the day because this is just one day where the end of the world is being threatened. There will be plenty more of these kinds of days tomorrow.

Superman has survived being in the center of at least three suns, so I think Supergirl should be okay. Even if her heart bursts from Red Ring Removal, she's in the nourishing flames of a yellow sun!

When does the Wildstorm Crew show up? Maybe they're living in a van inside the sun!

Enh. Fuck the scale of the solar system. DC's Editors can't even tell Antarctica from the Arctic.

Supergirl revives inside the sun, flies out, grabs Worldkiller-1 by the entrails and tosses him into the sun. And finally, after 33 issues, Supergirl has her groove back! She's ready to make Earth work and have lots of girly adventures where she goes on dates with hot college men and tee hees at their jokes and gets a job working at a drive thru coffee kiosk!

But wait! Even though that was twenty pages of comic book for only $2.99, there are still two pages left! It's not much of two pages and I'm not sure what Fairchild has against Kryptonians, but she has finally finished destroying all the clones of herself created by the young clone of Niles Caulder. And now she's hoping the rest of her Gen 13 team can kill Superboy! If Burnmaker, Rainfall, Freeout, and Grunge are the team of Gen 13. I've never read it so I'm completely ignorant on the subject.

Supergirl #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really not entirely sure how it happened but Supergirl has won my heart and some of the things in my pants. Right around when I first got serious about reading comic books, I read the death of Supergirl in Crisis on Infinite Earths and I really didn't give any fucks. But now I feel bad about not caring! This comic book can only get better with Supergirl living an upbeat life on Earth and making new friends and moving back in with Silver Banshee. I sure hope we've seen the last of little old angry Kara.

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