Friday, July 4, 2014

Action Comics #33

This is an odd cover for the Doomed storyline. Did my comic book store give me a variant?

I just asked Lord Google what the actual cover of Action Comics #33 looked like and this wasn't it. I think I got a Chinese bootleg copy! I bet the interior will just be random pages from Rise of the Supermen comic books from the nineties!

Once again, the reader is updated on the story by Lois Lane who really sounds like she doesn't give a shit if Superman never comes back to Earth. That Brainiac virus she picked up is really turning her into a huge asshole. I can't wait until that story line finishes so Lois Lane can get back to being regular old Lois Lane. Maybe she'll accidentally pass through that floating, heavenly door in the sky and it will cure her of her psionic powers.

The people of Smallville are all still in comas because of Lois Lane and her assholedom I mentioned earlier. But never fear, nearly dead people of Smallville! Lana Lang, Electrical Engineer, has figured it all out! She's used her special Electro-whatsits to figure out that the brainwaves of the Smallvillains are being projected into space. And now she's going to use her Electrical Engineering Degree to fly a spaceship into deep space, follow the trajectory of the brain waves to their destination, and kick the ass of whatever is receiving the brain waves! Fucking Goddamn Shit! I wish I'd gone into Electrical Engineering!

Superman loves smashing anything made by the American military.

Lana Lang isn't flying into space alone. She has Steel to pilot the spaceship for her. But he's not smart enough to read her Brainwave Sensitivity Meters. So she obviously has to come along to point Steel in the right direction so that he knows who to hit with his hammer when they arrive.

Meanwhile Superman has flown away from Earth in the wrong direction. He's headed to the asteroid belt to beat up asteroids thinking that losing himself in his rage would help cure the rage infection. I know Superman isn't the smartest of DC's heroes but I think he's a little bit smarter than this! You're supposed to go the other way, dumb dumb! To the sun! The sun makes Superman more powerful! That means Superman can fight the infection better! If the Kryptonite could dull Superman so that Doomsday could take over, more yellow sunlight should strengthen Superman so that he could take over! Man, Zatanna should have been called in to switch Batman and Superman's bodies. Batman would be far better at dealing with this situation than Superman.

Come to think of it, Zatanna should have been called in to just say, "Eruc namrepus!" Problem solved!

Are you trying to get your cousin killed, Superman?! Earth's atmosphere is full of Kryptonite! Dick!

Supergirl leads Superman to a planet of lizard people back in Krypton's home solar system. A moon inhabited by the Char is about to explode and she thinks Superman will remember that he's a hero and save the Char. I guess the Char weren't all wiped out by Zod when he was trying to teach the Kryptonians that living in fear and committing genocide keeps a race of people strong!

I forgot to mention, seeing as how the moon was coming apart, that The Eradicator was probably behind it. And some guy with a scarf over his face that warned the Charlinians that he would be back is telling the Char "I told you so." I think that might be The Eradicator but I don't really remember what he looked like. Remember, he was part of the Return to Krypton story arc and I've repressed that memory as best I could.

Superman gets into a battle with The Eradicator and with himself. He's sick and confused and wondering why this kind of shit always happens to him. He's the strongest person in both Marvel and DC and he's constantly getting his fucking ass kicked. It seems unreasonable! How can every Marvel Fan that says they don't like DC because their heroes are too strong be wrong? I mean, they should be right! Superman should be unbeatable! I suppose that's why he's got to deal with this Doomsday thing. He has to come to terms with being the most powerful being in all the comic universes and the responsibility that goes with that. If he can't keep everybody safe from himself then he can't exist. This battle with Doomsday inside himself, this battle to keep himself in control, is a battle to keep everybody in the universe safe.

Or it's just another bullshit story to show that Superman has a tough time just like everybody else. "But I have problems too," he whines to Batman as Batman ages and gets arthritis and slowly loses himself in early onset dementia. Meanwhile Superman stays fit and trim and young and only gets more and more powerful every year. "Ugh. Kryptonian People Problems," coughs Batman as he begins looking under the chair for his cowl which is still on his head.

Lana uses her Extra Advanced Electrical Engineering Degree and the gadgets she created with her superior knowledge of Electrical Engineering to discover the person behind the entire plot: Lois Lane! It really helps that she developed faster than light communication devices that work with bluetooth compatible headsets.

And then Cyborg Superman and his fleet of gigantic alien piranha sperm pass over Steel and Lana's spaceship on their way to Earth. Things are really getting complicated! I guess that's why I'm going to have to read two fucking Annuals that tie into this story. Stupid Goddamned Annuals! Eat a dick!

Action Comics #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like how everything is coming together, even the stupid fucking Lois Lane is now a psychic powerhouse bullshit. It feels like Brainiac giving her power finally works in the context of a story instead of it just being a fanciful idea Scott Lobdell came up with while sniffing a dingleberry he just pulled out of his ass crack.

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