Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Justice League Dark #33

I thought this said "In the grip of the goose!" up until I scanned it.

Remember last issue when Zatanna quoted that great poet with the line, "Limitation isn't an impossible invitation, it's a delicious cookie"? The reason she didn't attribute it like she should have is because the quote was from J.M. DeMatteis himself. This is where a lesser blogger or one of Scott Lobdell's characters would say, "That's so meta!" But it's where I say, "What a fucking egotistical bastard! Quoting himself? Who fucking does that?!"

I can't wait to find out who this Goose character is!

This issue begins with Swamp Thing playing chess against John Constantine and Deadman theorizing about me.

That's so meta!

Deadman questions why Zatanna has feelings for John Constantine as Zatanna looks at old family photographs with the answer to that question.

Daddy issues!

I don't know how anybody gets any work done while connected to the internet! I'm supposed to be providing hilarious comic-book themed entertainment by writing fake angry commentary on DC's New 52, but instead I'm on Skype with Doom Bunny making fun of Hollywood movies. That could be an entertaining blog all by itself! Our Skype chats should be like a radio station where people could log in to read the feed. It's probably the funniest thing most of you will read all morning. I'm not bragging. If I were bragging, I'd have mentioned how big my cock was. But if you go back and reread the paragraph, you'll notice I didn't say anything like that at all!

I was going to ask why guys brag about the size of their penis when it's not really an accomplishment when I realized that somebody with a big penis would probably already know why they brag about it, so I should pretend I already know! So never mind. I totally know the answer to that question! Big time! Wink, wink!

Now you're probably demanding proof that Doom Bunny and I have entertaining Skype chats. I should probably just let you imagine how funny they are because reality is never as good as imaginity! But I'll give you a taste anyway because it fills space and keeps me from having to think up new things to write.

Me: "Do porn movie plots ever resolve?"
Doom Bunny: "I don't know! Does anyone ever make it further than five minutes in?"
Me: "Pornos should just tack on the wrong ending to all the movies. 'Hostage crisis that turns into gang bang. After gang bang, the zoo is saved!'"
Doom Bunny: "I think after about five minutes, the actors just get up and walk away. No one would ever know!"
Doom Bunny: "It would be awesome if the pizza guy still demanded his money afterward."
Me: "And then is pissed about the size of his tip. Brozingo!"
Me: "Then the cops bust in because he's underage. Then she fucks the cops. Then the zoo is saved!"

I've trademarked the term "Brozingo!", by the way. So don't think you're going to steal it and market it on poorly made Hong Kongian t-shirts! It's what I always say after I say something really stupid but I want people to think it was really funny! I totally didn't rip it off from anywhere at all.

And then the zoo is saved!

Deadman can feel whatever the body he's possessing feels, right? So I'm sure he possesses people at least once a day to rub one out. Sometimes he'll possess Zatanna; sometimes Constantine. And occasionally, when he's feeling really nasty, he probably possesses Swamp Thing and goes off to fuck a pumpkin.

As Deadman begins fantasizing about feeling a really good fuck for once in his death, he's transported to a place with lots of snow and screaming faces. I guess he's going to have to host a new episode of In Search Of: The Mystery of Nanda Parbat.

Everybody continues to treat Constantine like shit, and while I'm not saying it isn't without reason, I am wondering why the fuck Constantine sticks around to suffer the abuse. Ditch these fucknuggets, John! You're better than they are! They're just a bunch of poncy twats playing at being illusionists. They wouldn't know real magic if it pulled them out of a hat! I'm just going to believe that Zatanna has unconsciously commanded the House of Mystery to keep Constantine locked inside. And John knows this but he's just being polite and not saying anything because now he knows Zatanna wants to see his penis happy. Even if she doesn't know she wants to see that. All that matters is that the House of Mystery knows she wants to see that. And the House might actually want to see that too.

Deadman's friends can't help him so he begins his quest on his own which is the way quests were meant to be taken. Unless you have a gardener that loves you so much that he'll eavesdrop on your conversations and carry your poisoned ass halfway across the world. I think it's acceptable to go on quests with people like that as long as they don't try to call themselves the hero.

Deadman begins his quest at home. Then he meets with the wise man that vaguely explains the outline of his quest. Then he's set on a journey to travel to his quest. This includes a dragon and some magic and stuff.

While Deadman gets on with his life, his friends continue to bicker and remain totally useless.

Back to Boston's quest, he finishes his journey and arrives at his destination. He didn't have any battles to fight or puzzles to solve along the way because I think his friends are dealing with that part of the journey. But he does realize that his journey has taken him from home and back again! He's home in Nanda Parbat! But he didn't face any difficulties or conflicts along the way. He didn't defeat a Humbaba or master the Force or drag a corpse around a city wall just for the fun of it. He didn't go to hell or Mt. Doom or the other side of the island. He simply put one foot in front of the other and soon found himself walking out the door and into Nanda Parbat! That was the worst heroic journey ever!

And apparently the reason everything was so easy was because the Evil Mr Smarty Pants (the pants part of this Evil Mr Smarty Pants are purely metaphorical) was hitching a ride on Deadman the entire time!

They're called Pantheon and they smell so bad that they evolved a skin growth that covers their nose so that they don't have to smell their own festering belly wounds.

Justice League Dark manage to follow Boston Brand and his new friends back to Nanda Parbat. That's when they encounter a destroyed paradise and Pantheon the thought-form projection mind-worms of a mind so vast and complex that Zatanna doesn't have enough time to explain it before Justice League Dark is attacked by Pantheon(s). During the brief battle (which is less a battle and more of a one-punch knockout), Zatanna casts one of her backwards spells that, when reversed so it can be read correctly, becomes "Dleihs fo Ollopa." I don't get it.

Anyway, Justice League Dark wind up unconscious and Deadman winds up alive. Poor bastard.

Justice League Dark #33 Rating: No change. The main thing I dislike about this book is all the commentary between members of the gang about the situations they're in and the dangers they're facing. I already pointed out Zatanna's discussion of the thought-forms and the mind so vast, and the individual projections, but there are so many more moments of clunky, explanatory dialogue that doesn't really explain anything nor does it seem to have a purpose other than to have characters speak. So at one point we get "the spells originated here--in the ruins of Nanda Parbat? Here...and not here." Profound! Then there's the hole in space-time that keeps shifting around them but it doesn't cause them any trouble and they enter and follow Boston with no consequences (okay, Swamp Thing gets cut in two. But that's not really a consequence when he just regenerates his body and nobody really comments on it except Swamp Thing himself). There's the battle against the "embodied spells" which are "living enchantments" that seem like maybe they'll be some kind of serious threat until Zatanna just dissolves them with one quick spell. It just seems like DeMatteis peppers this book with all sorts of exclamations by the characters about how magicky and super magicky everything is but none of the dialogue matters or means anything in particular. It's all just too much mustard smeared on a sandwich already covered in a disgusting amount of mayonnaise. And you figure, "Well, I already paid for it!" So you bite into it and suddenly realize that the mayo isn't mayo at all but J.M.'s love sauce! Not that I have anything particularly against people enjoying other people's love sauces! It's just I'd rather not be surprised by it, you know?

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