Batman Eternal #15

The center bar of my comic slot machine seems to have just missed the jackpot. Dang it.

Previously in Batman Eternal, nobody has mentioned why the comic book is named Batman Eternal. Now on with the story....

Batwing and The Spectre are making their way into Arkham Asylum. The Spectre is probably pouting because he's supposedly God's Wrath but he's been fairly useless since Jesus came around and pointed out that love was better. Unless he just pointed out that love and hate don't matter at all since everybody should only be concerned with the afterlife. I think that was his main message. Why wasn't the New Testament just a few sentences: "Do whatever you want. Pretend you're remorseful. Repeat after me: I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Oh, and don't forget to tithe!"

Batwing is probably pouting because he's just plain useless.

Who said an Irishman can't know Italian? Batwing needs to go fishing with his grandfather.

My Italian is a little bit rusty but I'll try my best to translate it: "Yo! Guido! Your mother, she worka in dis crazy place? Alla da time? 'Ey!" Hmm, maybe I need to book a fishing trip with my grandfather as well.

I apparently also think that the period translates to a question mark from Italian to English.

Batwing and The Spectre find Arkham trashed, the convicts missing, and the guards killed or missing. That just means it's Wednesday.

As he flies into Tokyo, Red Robin finally lets Harper Row know that he knows that she's aboard the Drakeplane. He probably should think up a new name for his plane before it gives his secret identity away.

Is Tim hitting on Harper? I love the Stress Position! Although I couldn't last nine hours. I mean, of course I could! But who would want to?! I have things to do that don't involve doing it all of the time, constantly and well!

Once they land, Harper Row dons a mask and invites herself to be Red Robin's sidekick. But her mask is basically The Grifter's mask! What is wrong with her?! I thought she was smart! Is she a fan of Grifter? I'm so disappointed in Harper right now. Grifter is awful! Just in case anybody skips this paragraph because it's too long and they're just skimming for tales of my unbridled sexual unbridledness, I'll say that again in a new paragraph.

Grifter is awful!

Back in Arkham Asylum, Batwing's systems discover that the air is full of human spinal fluid. That's not good, right? That's how the next Silent Hill game can differentiate itself from the rest of the horror genre. Come with an adapter that fits into the nose and squirts a fine mist of various human bodily fluids into your nostrils as you play. The Spectre (who I should probably be calling Jim since he's pretending to be human right now. But when have I ever been clear and concise and honest?) notices a magic spell on the wall in The Riddler's old cell and an upside down waterfall of blood in The Scarecrow's cell. Batwing comes up with a good idea though! Call Batman!

Oh bull poop! Batman is never busy! He's capable of guest starring in every comic book, every month, if he wanted to. If he doesn't show up to help, he's got a reason. I think his reason this time is that he just doesn't like working with Luke Fox. Or he hates the Goddamned Irish. One of those.

I just experienced a moment of déjà vu when I typed "the Goddamned Irish." That's either cool because déjà vu is always an interesting experience or it's disturbing because I type "the Goddamned Irish" way too much!

Batwing and Jim discover The Scarecrow being used as a magic blood pylon while he mutters some Niggaz Wit Attitudes song. Something about dying in a fire while on venom or something. Maybe it's just magic words. Mostly it doesn't matter because it's at this moment that ghosts attack Jim and Luke, Jim points out he knows who's behind this all (but he doesn't say. They never say. It would take one second to say. Does he say? No. He doesn't), and then Jim tries his best not to become the Wrath of God for some reason. Probably for the same reason Jason Blood hates to become Etrigan. Because he winds up sitting around in Hell for unknown amounts of time. Although, Jim would get to sit around Heaven, right? Maybe he hates harp music and overly nice angels that just want to make him feel at home.

Sorry, Batwing. The Wrath of God works in mysterious ways.

Batwing winds up face to, um, face? with The Joker's Daughter while Jim Corrigan meets the man behind it all: Mister Bygone!

Wait. Who?

Later there's a scene where Batman finally accepts Jason Bard's handshake. I guess that means he accepts Batman's way of catching criminals which means no killing. Sure, you can beat them within inches of death and, sure, occasionally the doctors lose one of them to their injuries later at the hospital. But that's an acceptable loss and can be attributed to medical error. You never see Penny-One lose a patient.

And later still, Batgirl discovers that she's not only working with Red Hood (unwillingly!), but now she has to work with Batwoman as well! Although she was super excited to work with Batwoman way back in Batgirl Issue Number Older Issue. I guess she's over the excitement of meeting a hot celebrity.

Batman Eternal #15 Rating: No change. I sure wish the person behind all the magic under Arkham had been somebody I recognized! Although then I would have been disappointed and ranted about how the chump couldn't have pulled off everything the person was pulling off. I just can't be happy with anything! I do hope he makes Jim Corrigan suck his dick though. No wait! I don't hope that at all because that's mean! Although I'm hoping it about fictional characters that can't actually undergo the trauma of the horrible things that happen to them. So I've changed my mind! I hope Mister Bygone does pull out his cock and drag it across Jim's cheek. But only that! That's acceptable, right? If it isn't, pretend I didn't hope for that and continue to respect me and not feel disappointed in me at all, okay dad? I mean readers!