Thursday, July 3, 2014

Futures End #9

Looks like Starfire has been mainlining steroids for the past five years.

I think I'll begin this review by pointing out why I call myself a Master Comic Book Reader. Firstly, it's because I'm a narcissist. But that's beside the point! Unless it's besides the point? Language is for dunderheads. What's not beside the point is that a reader mentioned how they noticed last issue (#8!) how Futures End was all about cancelled comic book characters. I replied that I only happened to notice that when I read Issue #0. But I was wrong! I noticed it when I read Issue #1! But that's only because I read Issue #1 before I read Issue #0! Here's what I wrote to sum up Futures End #1:

Anyway, I guess Futures End is all about futures that ended early which is why this is all about heroes that got their asses cancelled. Is that the big bad motherfucker from outer space that killed Stormwatch? The Cancellator? I suppose we’ll be seeing Static Shock and Blue Beetle shortly. Maybe even the Blackhawks! Oh, and if Grifter is here, I bet Voodoo is dancing at a club just down the street! I just hope Captain Atom decides to sit this one out. Although he’d be a lot more interesting not being written by J.T. Krul.

It's nice to get a shot at J.T. Krul whenever I get the chance since he hasn't written for DC for about two years now. I miss hating his work.

Currently Lois Lane is searching for a location in the Indian Ocean using some coordinates she received in a mysterious package. While she spends all of her money and time on this crazy lead, her employees are back in Metropolis wondering when the next pittance of a check will come dribbling in to their sweaty, open palms. If The Fast Lane fails, what other job can they possibly do? Once you've realized you can make money by posting pure bullshit on the internet, you'll never again be able to work a job in the real world! If Lois Lane's wild Cadmus Island chase doesn't bear any baconfruit, she's not going to have a killer story to post on The Fast Lane and the readers will stop reading because they have a fake city or farm to click monotonously on. They don't have time to wait for written entertainment that they then have to sit and read with their own eyes and brain! Ugh! Who has time for that bullshit? I want to level up a cow by clicking on plots of grass over and over again!

If only Lois Lane had a nose for mystery, it would be twitching like crazy!

Well, Lois, I know you don't give up so let's pretend the numbers you were sent are coordinates and you haven't missed the actual significance of them. If you don't see anything by plane, you now have to charter a ship to head out here. I know the pilot mentioned there was nothing on sonar but who the fuck is he trying to fool? Okay, that's an easy question to answer since Lois is the only other person in the plane. As if a plane flying over one tiny line of ocean is going to reveal everything in the ocean all the way to the bottom all across the entire area of the coordinates. That's an easy attack on the asshole pilot's premise without even going into the, most likely, ineffectiveness of sonar actually discovering anything from a small plane flying over the surface of the ocean. I'm not a sciencegineer or else I'd really make that pilot feel stupid! He must work for Cadmus, trying to pull that shitty "nothing on sonar" excuse!

If only Cadmus Island wasn't magically invisible to nosy reporters, Lois Lane would have seen Deathstroke the Terminator and his sidekick, Fifty Sue, treating Grifter like the 3rd rate comic book character he is.

Since this story features Brother Eye and Father time as major players, perhaps Fifty Sue is that Mother person from Blackhawks, Mother Machine!

Grifter is led into Cadmus's detention facility where they have a bunch of Earth 2 heroes locked in cells. This includes Mister Miracle and Big Barda (unless it's Fury or Omega. It's hard to tell since I can't remember what any of them looked like! Also, I don't think we've actually gotten a glimpse of Omega yet) who were last seen in Dinosaur Gotham and never got to finish their story. Power Girl is also locked away so maybe Power Girl isn't the Futures End Superman. I guess it must be Kara!

Such a typical, shitty, trite, boring Cole Cash line. He's being written perfectly by this crew!

Back in Metropolis, Red Robin's girlfriend Mad Payne is visiting her father Max Payne in prison. While they're discussing Max's penchant for taking money from the enemy during the war, the orange woman from the cover barges in to break a guy named Ethan out of jail. At one point, Ethan says, "Total rampage," so I'm guessing that's the name of this super villain. Futures End loves to bold words that are the name or associated with the name of characters that have yet to be named. Ethan could have also called her Kitty since that's her nickname. Maybe. She was an old preboot foe of Superman's turned super hero but I don't know who Ethan Boyer is. Superman seems to think he's a sicko though.

Mister Terrific gets a scene where we learn he's now the smartest man on Earth. Or he just has an alien presence (or robot) that's main programming is to stick its tongue straight down the back of his trousers. It's also possible that Batman and Lex Luthor are dead. It's also possible that Michael Holt's lab is on a completely different Earth full of morons, idiots, and utter baboons.

A few other plot points decide to meet up at the Wounded Duck because there were too many individual threads to keep track of.

Red Robin has the bartender disguise down pat. Look at the concentration on his face as he dries that beer mug!

Finally in deep space, Hawkman wakes up just in time to see Frankenstein testing out his new arm which was Hawkman's old arm. Somehow Hawkman's Nth Metal kept him alive. It regrew him a new arm over in Justice League United, so maybe he'll get a new one back here as well. He'd be perfect for spare parts for Franky.

Futures End #8 Rating: No change. Nobody died. Fifty Sue's real identity wasn't revealed. Lois Lane found loads and loads of squat. Superman's identity wasn't revealed. Terry McBatman and The Key's gang didn't infiltrate Terrifitech. Ray Palmer and his crew discovered nothing. Father Time pointed out it was going to be the end of the world. So not a lot has changed since last issue!

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