Monday, July 7, 2014

Superman Unchained #7

Batman's neck would be snapped as soon as Wraith grabbed it. Fucking comic books! Be realistic!

Can you imagine if comic books were realistic? Batman would have died from a gunshot wound after about three or four issues, maybe even sooner. Baby Superman would have starved or asphyxiated out in space in a day or so after being launched from Krypton. Aquaman would have huge gills on the sides of his neck and a huge, disgusting fish mouth. Wonder Woman would have one breast and constantly be kicking Batman's ass. The Flash would have practically disintegrated himself the first time he ran at super speed if he didn't hit a wall first. Hal Jordan would have contracted an alien STD from fucking the corpse of Abin Sur that he found in the desert. Those are just a few of the things that would happen if comic writers thought rationally and realistically about the characters.

I finished my review of Issue #6 with a sarcastic, "See you in three months!" Well, it's been three months! Time for Issue #7!

Well, at least the Fortress of Solitude is back where it belongs.

Superman just saved the world from nuclear annihilation. But he also humiliated Sam Lane's knock-off version of Superman, Wraith, while doing it. What does that mean? Superman must die!

I know most of you are thinking, "Isn't that a little harsh if not a lot illogical? Shouldn't Superman be raised up as a hero?" But here's why you're wrong. You're not thinking with the brain of a high level military man! Winning wars and saving people only counts if the public sees that your dick was the biggest. But with Superman rubbing his supercock all over the faces of the citizens of the world, how is anybody supposed to see Sam Lane waving Wraith's cock about with an American flag on it? Superman's dingus is so impressive that nobody is interested in Wraith's flaccid purple monster. And you know who helped Superman's cock with a huge dong of his own? Batman! So Batman has to die as well!

Don't you wish Jim Lee were drawing my version of the story?! The only problem is that he'd draw so many scribbles on their shafts that they'd be unrecognizable. Everybody would be all, "What is that? Bark? Knotholes? Why is Superman pulling a tree out of his pants?" Although Wonder Woman's penis would be really smooth because she's a woman and Jim Lee doesn't scribble on his ladies.

Lois has no confidence in Superman even though he just saved the entire world.

General Lane doesn't come right out and say that he wants to kill Superman. He pretends he's actually just after the Earthstone and if Superman gives it up peacefully, that will be the end of the conflict. But we all know better! The American Military. The United States Police Force. Any Government Organization. Anybody that wants something that you have! It all comes down to the same thing. They don't want to fight because fighting is dangerous for everybody. So they try to look bigger and harder than they are so that the other person will back down and be really fucking easy to kill. Police, the military, and the government should never be shocked when a citizen doesn't trust them and refuses to give up without a fight because all three of those fucking bastards have too long a history of killing unarmed, innocent people. And it's all because they're filled with fearful men and women that think they have some kind of God given authority over everybody else. Fuck them all. They're not getting my doughnuts.

At least Wraith is honest about what he's doing.

Batman continues to swing his dick as he basically points out to Wraith that he's going to kick his Jeezly Crow ass all over the Batcave and then, when Wraith is unconscious and bleeding, Alfred is going to poo in Wraith's mouth.

I suppose Alfred doesn't even know Batman's hosting a battle down in the Batcave. But I'm sure he realizes it when he hears Batman crash his Batwing down on top of Wraith. Alfred probably just sighs, heads over to the bathroom medicine cabinet, and downs a couple of laxatives. "On my way, Master Bruce."

Next Batman remote control crashes nineteen different Batmobiles into Wraith as they fire off any weapons they have. Batman mentions they're insured but I'm sure that's just a joke. Who would give Batman an auto insurance policy? Wouldn't he need to give some kind of identification or else anybody in a Batsuit could smash the cars up and they'd have to pay. Plus Batman is way too risky! Unless his coverage costs thousands of dollars a year. Perhaps saying they're insured is simply a way to keep his secret identity secret because why would Bruce Wayne need insurance? That shit is practically communism! He wrecks a car, he pays for it out of pocket.

Although Wraith did find Batman in the Batcave so his secret identity might already be fucked.

Back in Antarctica the Arctic, Superman shoves Lois Lane into Super Happy Fun Ball and then marches out in his special armor to destroy a good percentage of the United States of America's citizen's tax money.

Oh Superman. You look ridiculous. And you're, um, missing a leg.

Before Superman really goes ape shit on General Lane, Wonder Woman takes a moment out of her busy schedule to save Batman's ass. Okay, now back to Superman! Where Lois saves his ass!

Also, I guess Wonder Woman's ass saving didn't exactly take since Wraith knocks her and Batman across the room with the dinosaur. Alfred is going to be seriously pissed when he gets a look at this scene. He's going to have to send the giant penny, the dinosaur, and the Joker's playing card out for repairs. Oh, and also nineteen cars and an airplane.

Ugh. Not to mention fixing the new Superman-sized hole in the skylight and the upper floor's floor and the lower floor's ceiling and the lower floor's floor and the Batcave's ceiling and the Batcave's floor.

Superman Unchained #7 Rating: -4 Ranking. I'm lowering the rank for every month this comic book has been delayed this year. Other than that, I'm really enjoying it! It feels outside of continuity which is great since it's schedule is so erratic, it can't be bothered to deal with Lois's psionic ability and Jimmy Olsen's parents' money and Lex Luthor being king of the world and Sam Lane being a senator instead of a General! I prefer comic books that aren't shackled to continuity to tell their tale. Plus this Superman is so much better than the Superman that DC was allowing Scott Lobdell to write for so long. What the fuck was DC Comics thinking?! That has got to be the biggest error any company has ever made ever in forever! Giving their biggest hero to their weakest writer? I'm tempted to boycott DC until the end of time just for making such a fucked up business decision. How do they make any money with decisions like that?! At the very least, it shows a huge disrespect to the Superman fans out there who can't help but buy every single issue of Superman no matter how poorly they're written.

Let me close on a joke since we won't be revisiting this comic book for three more months. What's the main difference between a comic book written by Scott Lobdell and a piece of toilet paper he used to wipe his ass? He's getting paid for the comic book.

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