Batman Eternal #13

I bet drawing an issue of Batman Eternal is a mandatory chore that the artists don't get paid for. "MIKEL! GUILLERMO! Get your pencils ready, you retreads! It's your turn!" Also, whoever yelled that pronounced "Mikel" as "Michael" and "Guillermo" as "Sally." Probably Dan Didio.

I'm going to read a book tonight! A whole book! And it'll be a book for adults with big words and everything! Although it might take me longer than a single night to read a book without pictures since I'll have to draw my own pictures as I'm reading it. Now I wish I wasn't doing this comic book blog so I could do a blog where I post pictures I drew inspired by the very adult books I've been reading. I don't mean "very adult" as in doodads get rubbed on geegaws! I mean "very adult" as in "I'm going to have to look up a lot of words in the dictionary if I want to understand this sucker!" I wonder if I can read Don Quixote in just one night? Oh, who am I kidding?! I can't even finish more than two comic books in one night!

Currently in Batman Eternal, Ex-commissioner James Gordon is being lectured by a serial killer. I'm a lot like that serial killer! It's easy to lecture people with conviction by pointing out how their conviction contains blind spots and fallacies and misconceptions! And then they can't turn it around on you when you don't hold any convictions at all! They'll say, "Well, you're a killer!" And the serial killer (not me! I've hardly killed anybody! Definitely not enough to be categorized "serial") will say, "I know I am! I'm a killer and I kill. What I don't do is say I'm a killer and then not kill! That would make me a hypocrite! Like you!" I italicized the "you" in that last sentence because you're supposed to hear it in your head as a taunting accusation filled with honey and venom. Honey and venom are very similar words! I wish venom tasted like honey! I'd go kiss a rattlesnake!

You know, if venom did taste like honey, that would be great! Because venom is venomous and not poisonous! So I can eat all the venom I want, right?! I just can't mainline it! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Am I using too many exclamation points? It's not like there's a limited supply! I'm just really excited about Honey Venom!

Looks like Batman has agreed to a cavity search!

Meanwhile in the offices of the Gotham Gazette, Vicki and her boss are discussing how many hits the Gotham Gazette's webpage gets. You know how many it should be getting? Zero! The only reason people visit online newspapers is because they love to masturbate to pop-up ads and scroll over noisemaking banners! Sometimes you get some extra kink when the site actually tells you that you need to register with the site to be able to read their vapid and inane news stories! I'm getting so hot just thinking about it! Fuck the media! Fuck them right in the ass! You know what the greatest film of all time was? Natural Born Killers! All the President's Men was also pretty good but Natural Born Killers depicted journalism itself bending over All the President's Men (what journalism had been) and anally raping the shit out of it for a few hours. I think journalism was actually still in denial and trying to fool the public into thinking they were a respectable institution. And then Natural Born Killers exposed them for what they truly were and they just said "Fuck it!" and dropped any semblance of honor or respectability.

You know why satire news shows are more legitimate sources for news than mainstream sources of news? Because mainstream sources of news think all opinions are equal. They purposefully misinterpret debates and create new debates based on misinterpreted notions. The media should be calling out politicians who willfully misinterpret other politicians to push their own agendas but instead the media gives all sides equal time. Meanwhile, all sides are arguing against a totally imaginary made-up fact simply to make the other side look like moronic assholes. But satire news outlets call people on their shit. So instead of the normal news allowing a politician to misrepresent another politician in order to make the other politician look like a fool, the satire news sites point out that the first politician is a fool for not understanding anything at all and being a complete and total douchebag.

I hate you, news outlets. I hate you, journalists. I hate you, local news anchors. You have created a platform for the worst people in the world to have voices because you just want to line your pockets with fat advertising revenue. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, assholes. Eat S-H-I-T.

Wow. I really got off track there and I didn't even get around to bitching about "Lois Lane's scathing editorials over at the Daily Planet." Fuck Lois Lane! She's supposed to be the greatest investigative reporter that ever lived in the DC Universe. What the fuck is she doing writing editorials about Jim Gordon's trial? Stop slumming it, Lane! Get your ass back into some sticky situations! And I don't mean Superman's bedroom!

Bandaids, bandages, aspirin, thread, condoms, Anal-Eze, tea, Kryptonite, grappling hooks, dog food, cat food, cow food.

The next scene takes place in the library where Stephanie Brown has been living ever since her father tried to kill her. I think it's time to play, "How Many Panels Until Stephanie Says 'SPOIL!'" It doesn't happen in the first sixteen panels she's a part of although her friend does blow up! I bet that spoiled her night!

Meanwhile Jason Bard's plot to bring down the Jeezly Crow Batman goes off without a hitch. I guess if you look at it from Commissioner Forbes perspective, it completely failed. But that's just one man! All the other Gotham Police on the raid with Bard feel like they've made some headway tonight even if Batman got away!

If the only people Forbes will let his police arrest are Batman and his minions, then start making Falcone's men smell like guano.

This is just the first half of the plan. Obviously Forbes isn't going to allow these men to be arrested. So how to force his hand?

Now that's journalism! Sure, it's manipulative! But it's about exposing the truth and the truth is what scares people in power into doing the right thing.

This is the main problem that journalism has come up against. Journalists and the media somehow think their job is to spread the messages of politicians to the general public. But journalism is supposed to be about forcing transparency. The media is supposed to expose things the government or corporations or local businesses want to keep hidden. The media is supposed to shine a light on the truth and let the people decide if the truth is one they can live with. The media is not supposed to shine a light on everybody's lies and let the citizens fight over which lie they believe in the most.

Back at Red Robin's Nest, wherever the fuck that is, Harper Row breaks in to do some investigating. She's still proving to Tim that she's much smarter and, obviously, better written than he ever was! I'm talking Reboot so don't send angry postcards! Unless your angry postcard is a ten dollar bill with a stamp on it! I accept those. Harper learns that Tim is headed to Tokyo to talk with a cybernetic monkey and his friend, Sergei Russiannameanov. He's the only one that could have created the nano-virus which Harper's brother and a bunch of other Gotham children were infected by. Tim doesn't know it but Sergei also had a panel or two where he said something like, "Whoops! The Nanos weren't supposed to do that yet!"

Oh look! A third part of the plan! Looks like a job will be opening up soon on the force!

Batman Eternal #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think DC should make all of their books weekly! But they should only have 13 titles if they do that because I'm not buying 52 weekly books! But I'm enjoying reading a story that updates each week! You know who else should learn about telling a story each week until the story is over? Mad Men! Whoever heard of a year long mid-season break, you assholes? Um. Sorry! Anyway, at some point, am I going to open up a copy of Batman Eternal which will direct me to reread Batman #28 so that it slots right into the story line? Maybe DC will just reprint Batman #28 as Batman Eternal #26 and the cover will just be Dan Didio's middle finger.