Saturday, July 19, 2014

Futures End #11


The Non-Certified Spouse sent me a link to this Salon article yesterday because she wanted me to vomit, I suppose. Salon is one of those sites I can't stand even though I've probably read less than a handful of articles on it over the years. I just don't like news sites or pseudo-news sites or editorial sites masquerading as news sites or entertainment sites that I mistakenly call news sites. They're usually 90% advertisements which slow down my browser and remind me that suicide is always an option. But I went to read this article yesterday and it was one of the most self-congratulatory pieces I think I've ever read in my entire 532 year life of living darkness. I implore you all to read the entire thing even though the title and subtitle say it all.

I'm Sorry For Coining the Phrase "Manic Pixie Dream Girl"
In 2007, I invented the term in a review. Then I watched in queasy disbelief as it seemed to take over pop culture
By Nathan "I'm Sorry For Being Such A Pop Culture Genius That I Broke the Internet" Rabin

I understand being excited about creating a phrase that you subsequently see used over and over again by the masses. Don't forget, I was the one that came up with the term "onstage masturbation cage." Instead of writing a falsely apologetic article for creating a term that has been embraced by people in a way you didn't want it to be embraced, Nathan should have just written an article entitled, "I Wrote This Article To Mention How Cameron Crowe Knew My Name!" Then the main body of the article should have just been a picture of himself naked in a cage on a stage masturbating into his own mouth.

Oh wait! I just realized that this is when I coin the phrase "onstage masturbation cage!" Being a time traveler of living darkness tends to screw with my memories a bit. Anyway, the phrase describes the place where people call attention to themselves so they can apologize for something they did simply to remind everybody of that thing they did. Example: "Jesus fucking Christ? Is Nathan Rabin back inside his onstage masturbation cage?!"

I don't want to go through the whole process of registering at urban dictionary, so somebody that's already registered there, please enter "onstage masturbation cage" with my definition and example, okay? Thanks!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, here's an essay I just wrote:

I'm Sorry For Being So Good At The Internet
By Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea


Okay, enough of that! Let me get out of my onstage masturbation cage and begin reading Futures End.

Grifter's sidekick whom we haven't seen since issue one (I believe), Justin, has finally decided that Grifter is officially missing. The plan when Grifter goes missing is to head down the street to where Voodoo hangs out, just where I said she'd be about ten commentaries ago.

Although I thought she'd be stripping. This is better.

Why wasn't Justin in the Grifter comic book when it was restarted for The New 52? I think I would have liked the book better if he'd had a nerdy sidekick helping him to kill aliens during the week and to play Dungeons and Dragons with on the weekends. I wonder if I can convince somebody at DC to use my game, Places and Predators, as the standard replacement for when they want to mention someone plays Dungeons and Dragons? And by "someone," I mean "Batman."

Meanwhile in Deepest Space, Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst are searching for the last living member of Stormwatch. I hope as they search, they learn something about the big menace from space because in monthly comic book years, Futures End has already lived nearly a year with no mention of an Evil Mr Smarty Pants (aside from Mister Terrific and Brother Eye who aren't really threats yet anyway).

While on the trip, we learn that Frankenstein doesn't have a sense of humor which is why he thinks Milton Berle was a poet. What a dumb dumb head!

Speaking of Milton Berle, it was kind of an urban legend about Soupy Sales that generated my blog name! He supposedly said, "If you see Kay," on his kids show. I don't remember when I first heard that but then years later, my friend Pickle Boy was trying to tell me how genius Britney Spears was for coming up with the song "If You Seek Amy." Granted, I like that better than "if you see Kay," but it doesn't make her a genius for coming up with something that's already been out there for decades! Anyway, I wanted my own "if you see Kay," so I came up with "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea." It's not as elegant but then I never claimed to be as smart as the urban legend version of Soupy Sales!

Speaking of poets like Milton Berle and Soupy Sales, my favorite poets are Louis CK and pretty much all the other poets in the Comedians of Comedy movie (which really should have been called Poets of Poetry). The best part of that movie is when the poets shop at my local comic book store!

Anyway, Hawkman crashes their ship almost immediately.

After surviving a free fall crash from orbit, it would be really embarrassing to die of smoke inhalation.

Frank probably doesn't need to worry about smoke but where there's smoke, there's FIRE! FIRE! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHH! BAD! BAD! FIRE!, so he should probably get out of the ship too.

They exit the ship to find that they've landed in some kind of metal crater. I hope they're on the home of The Cancelator so I stop being completely bored by this crap! Or, and this will satisfy me as well, a long, hot, steamy sex scene between Hawkman, Frankenstein, and Amethyst. Come on, DC. Let's shatter mainstream comic book expectations!

Although now that I've sat here and thought about the sex scene for the last few hours while forgetting about everything else I was doing, I wonder if Frank has a penis? If he doesn't have one, Hawkman can just cut off his and sew it onto Frank. Then Hawkman will just wait for the Nth metal to regrow his penis, and it's "Hello Sex City, Here We Come!"

Does Hawkman's Nth metal grow back every part of his body that was ever lost? That would mean he's definitely uncircumcised (which I expect is already the truth since I suspect every other race in the universe found a much more pleasant way of dealing with smegma). But does it mean his wisdom teeth keep crowding back into his mouth? What about his tonsils? Appendix? Anal hymen? That's a thing, right?

Back on Earth, The Mighty, Mighty, Morphin' Anger Ranger makes his debut outside ancient, forgotten ruins.

While the Justice League should probably be dealing with the new maniac in the Madagascar Sea, they're instead kidnapping civilians from strip clubs. The civilian in question is Ronnie Raymond and he was probably in a strip club to prove to himself that he's interested in putting his pee-pee inside a woman's vee-vee. He's not interested in that but he's desperate to convince himself he is because he and his life partner, Jason Rusch, have recently had a serious falling out.

So immature how he refers to "doing it" as "merging"!

Ronnie Raymond comes clean about being busy "with a girl" when Green Arrow was getting killed. I still think it's ridiculous that anybody is trying to blame him for Green Arrow's death! How about putting a little responsibility on the guy that goes to war armed only with a bow and arrow against foes with super powers? How about blaming The Flash for not getting their fast enough? Or Madame Xanadu for not seeing this future? Or Superman for not saving everybody always? How about blaming the person that actually killed Green Arrow?! I'm fairly certain a super hero that needs to merge two regular people is the last person on the list you can blame for not getting somewhere on time. Unless the two people were conjoined twins. Then there's no excuse for them not changing into Firestorm and getting the job done.

Raymond leaves the Justice League declaring emphatically that he's not gay and never will be. It's time for the team to find another Firestorm. That shouldn't be so hard! Remember how many Firestorms existed in the beginning months of The New 52?! Practically every country had one! There's got to be one still out there somewhere.

Futures End #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying this comic book because it's weekly and it can keep up a pace that kind of slowly gets to the point of things. I suppose the writers have to carefully pace the story so that whatever needs to happen before September happens at just the right time. I think "just the right time" means the last Wednesday of August! Also, I can't wait until a few years from now when I can write an article entitled, "I'm Sorry For Inventing The Phrase "Onstage Masturbation Cage."

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