Friday, July 11, 2014

New Suicide Squad #1

Even if she's not being written by Ann Nocenti, I don't see any place on this team for The Joker's Daughter.

I didn't really feel Harley Quinn belonged on the Suicide Squad and now they're bringing an even crazier person onto the team. Obviously Harley was just added to the team to increase sales. It's quite possible that's why The Joker's Daughter is also on the team. She seems popular although it can't be for the way Ann Nocenti has been writing her. It must be from her Preboot and DC Animated Universe versions of her. I know she sells comic books though since The Joker's Daughter #1 with the lenticular cover might be the most sought after book of The New 52. It's a shame people are actually purchasing it for over twenty dollars just to find out that the story is shit and the character is a trainwreck.

I don't have a problem with Harley and The Joker's Daughter being the main characters in a comic book. But they're psychotic! They just don't seem right for a government black ops team. Maybe that's exactly why they're on the team. So that when the conspiracy theorists point out how these super villains seem to be helping the United States Government, more rational minded folks can point to the loony tunes on the team and say, "Really? That person was trusted to complete a secret government mission?"

The first new surprise is that The Question is in charge of the team.

I have a question! Why don't colorists ever look at an actual American flag before coloring in the stripes? Also maybe count the stripes? Maybe? No? Too much effort? Okay, sorry I brought it up.

I'm three pages in and I'm already not liking Victor Sage. He uses "meh," he says Amanda Waller sucks at her job, he likes Black Manta for the team because "he looks cool" and he has "black in his name." But the most unforgivable thing he says, the truly mind-numbingly stupidest thing the leader of the Suicide Squad could think, is that they have to lose Captain Boomerang! Get out of here, you hack! Sure, Amanda Waller always hated Digger and barely wanted him on the team herself! She even came up with some zombie attack horror show to scare the shit out of him and try to get him to behave so he'd stop hitting people in the face with pies! But he was essential to the team! The team needs a laid back jerk that can't keep his mouth shut! The fucking Suicide Squad needs me! Um, I mean, needs Boomerang!

Oh my god how I hate you.

I'm really trying hard not to attack the intelligence of Sean Ryan's father's sperm right now! I have to believe Ryan is currently just writing a really unlikable character and not all of his characters will act like rejects from a 90s Image comic book series. I'm also trying really hard not to bitch about another thoroughly incorrect American flag! I'll just pretend that Vic Sage got that flag pin out of a quarter toy machine at the grocery store and the thing was made in China where nobody should give a shit which stripes are which color and how many there are in total.

I guess modern lines and stark white walls make people forget that they'd rather be free.

The New Suicide Squad is currently in Moscow to basically annoy the Russians. They're going to destroy the 26th floor of some building where they come up with secret projects. So that's going to be annoying when the secret project guys have to access their files from the 25th floor come Monday morning. And Deathstroke is going to assassinate the CEO of Russia's largest oil company which will cause the company to have to promote some people and change the names on a bunch of office doors. Ugh! If only someone could stop the Suicide Squad before they cause a lot of destruction and some really insignificant problems for the short term!

My initial guess is that, once again, the leader of the Suicide Squad (Victor Sage) is lying to his squad about their real mission because the missions Deathstroke details are bullshit. I suppose Black Manta's job to recover any intel the United States can use might be helpful. But it's also possible this is just a way to see how the team handles having two clowns on it, and if the team is good enough to support two people with names revolving around death. Black Manta doesn't have to worry about his spot, though. I'm sure having Aquaman's rival on the team will have everybody quaking in their boots.

Vic and Amanda watch their new Squad perform as they discuss the pros and cons of the team. Most of the cons are the thing about having two clowns and two death guys. Most of the pros are nonexistent. The team is kind of a mess. I think it was put together simply to sell issues! It'll draw in Harley fans and Deathstroke fans and Black Manta fans and Joker's Daughter fans and Floyd Lawton fans! Bah! Give me a team with a bunch of C-List Villains over a bunch of popular assholes any day!

Eventually, like every Squad mission ever, the shit hits the fan. Or as they say in Russia, "The man farting to create a breeze to cool down his family shit himself."

Rocket Red Sentinels!

New Suicide Squad #1 Rating: This comic book has a lot to prove. I'm not terribly excited about its beginnings so it's going to start at Rank #40. Prove to me I'm wrong, Suicide Squad! I so want to love you!

Fuck you, Comicsverse! I know you're trying to steal my intel! Stop reading my commentaries to see how reviews should be done! Ew, I'll defeat you yet, Comicsverse, my nemesis!

1 comment:

  1. the suicide squad is a sad excuse for the Suicide Squad. gimmicks, hacks and bad characterization. Whats even sadder is I keep buying it hoping to God something good happens, like an addicted gambler losing money and just wont cut his losses.

    And nobody should ever be able to write Black Manta without Brandon Vietti and Greg Weisman overseeing. Anything else is a distasteful joke.