The Salvaged Hawkman #20

Have I run my Salvaged Hawkman joke into the ground yet? I would still be using Turds of Prey if Duane were still writing it! That was my favorite.

At the end of the last issue, Hawkman found himself thrown into an abandoned well.

More like The Melodramatic Hawkman, amirite?! "Hey, Hawkman! While you're down there, make sure there aren't any bones or anything that need to be brought up and given a proper burial to end some kind of horrible curse."

Tom DeFalco must have learned to write from an ancient wise clown that believed writing needed to be like clown make-up: big, bold, and over-the-top so the reader understands the emotion of the piece. So on the first page, DeFalco smears a great big greasepaint grimace all over the book so the reader understands how much pain Hawkman is in, both physically and emotionally. He even uses the phrase "an infinity of agony" just in case you think Hawkman might be faking. Nope! Not faking! His pain is infinite, bitches! This man hasn't hurt like this since he crashed to Earth on the night of the hurricane! Oh snap! How is that for foreshadowing! Or backshadowing? Flashadowingback? Whatever it's called, Tom DeFalco just rained down some hooks for more Hawkman history, so y'all better be as intrigued as I am!

No, no. Hopefully you're more intrigued. Because as a cynical asshole, I can't really bring myself to care.

Next Hawkman checks his messages on his cell phone even though "his body screams in protest" and "every movement" tears through him "like a rusty dagger." Fuck dude. Lay off the greasepaint already. I get it! Hawkman is a sad clown in pain.

If just pulling his phone out of his pocket is this hard, how is he going to get out of the well. Granted, pulling a cell phone out of the front pocket of jeans can be the most difficult thing in the world depending on how you're sitting. Climbing out of the well might actually be easier.

Then the Nth metal tries to ooze out of him but he strains to keep it back like a fifteen year old boy trying to keep from ejaculating into his pants during his first slow dance. Fuck, do kids even slow dance anymore or is all just anal sex right on the dance floor? I'm so fucking old. Um, anyway, the reason Carter doesn't want to transform into Hawkman is because he's afraid to begin crying once he realizes his wings may not come back. And he needs to save Emma, not cry in front of her. Or down the well in front of her, anyway. So he decides to climb out of the well as Carter Hall!

Good fucking luck. Have you ever tried to climb out of a well before, Carter Hall? I'll tell you, I haven't. So maybe it's easy. I don't know. I'm just a guy reading a comic book at five in the morning wishing that the breakfast place around the corner was already open.

Here's some clown wisdom for the ages. Be sure to use it to advance your career at whatever shitty office job you might have (or may eventually) find yourself:

I don't know how you actually fight beyond all these things but it's not my place explain the mysterious ambiguousness of clown wisdom.

Too bad this wisdom doesn't help with climbing wells because Hawkman's thought is interrupted when he plummets back down. Perhaps if he could fight beyond short, stubby fingers.

Eventually Carter Hall just cheats and uses the Nth metal to create a claw that helps him scale his way out. So much for "if he has to escape this pit, it must be as Carter Hall." I guess 95% Carter Hall is close enough.

Meanwhile, Doctor Phaser is shaken down by Emma for information.

Did the Doctor always have an accent or does Tom DeFalco have trouble with the "o" and "oo" words just like the entirety of the internet?

The Omniscient Narrator continues to tell Hakwman's story as Carter climbs to the top of the well. It begins with "after escaping Thanagar, he ran directly into the hurricane which forced his starship into the Atlantic." That's one enormous hurricane if it stretched from the orbit of Thanagar to the oceans of Earth! Immediately after that, the doctors renamed him Carter Hall and FEMA helped him establish the identity of Carter Hall because why the fuck not? And then after he was released from the hospital, he ran directly into college where he met Emma. That's quite the fucking synopsis! Thanks, Tom DeFalco, for boiling down the whole of Hakwman's history into six stale fart Narration Boxes. Now I know everything I ever needed to know about Hawkman's transition from Katar Hol to Carter Hall! It was all a goofy mix-up! And even though the story is lacking in details or Hawkman's feelings or his reasons for going to college or how he paid for it or which college it may have been or why FEMA is committing crimes by creating false identities, at least it clears up nothing else as well.

Once Hawkman crawls from the well, he calls Amanda Waller and asks for the Justice League of America to come help him out. As if Amanda answers to Hawkman. If it isn't in Amanda's plan, it isn't going to happen. So suck it, Hawkman. You're going to have to transform, wings or no wings.

Without wings, his life as Hawkman is over. He will now be transformed into a gigantic pickle.

Eventually, Hawkman emerges from his cocoon not as a gigantic pickle but as The Salvaged Hawkman from the cover! Nearly dying almost always calls for a new look. Also, Tom DeFalco must love the phrase "jolts awake" since he's now used it twice in one comic book. Also, the Melodrama Boxes inform the reader that Hawkman now barely remembers Emma but he may still love her. Oh, that's so fucking romantic I'm weeping rose petals.

The best part about the newly transformed Hawkman?

His gigantic cock!

The Savage Cockman, amirite?!

Let us take a brief respite from the action to enjoy the soothing sounds of The Salvaged Hawkman's action scenes.

SPWA-QWOOOOMP!

THWOOK!

PTWAMMM!

SQAA-PWOOM!

SPUUKWOWK!

SPWA-TAMM!

KWA-TWOOOM!

SPWAA-DWOOOM!

Ahhh. Wasn't that refreshing? And now back to Hawkman.

Somehow Emma realizes that this new Hawkman might possibly mean that Carter Hall is no more. The penis may have been her biggest, most amazing, drool inducing, underwear ruining clue. That's a double entendre! It's subtle and you may not have gotten it if I hadn't pointed it out!

Man, I just can't stop thinking about that penis!

Back to the fight between Hawkman and Blockbuster, Hawkman starts spewing a lot of psychological bullshit at Blockbuster as he beats him. And just like I subtly clued everyone in to my big penis joke, Tom DeFalco makes sure the reader knows Hawkman is not just psychoanalyzing Blockbuster but himself as well! Which may have been an interesting twist if anything Hawkman was saying had anything at all to do with Blockbuster or the human Mark that serves as his host! Mark wasn't trying to gain anything except a cure for his Alzheimer's and yet Hawkman accuses him of wanting power, for "exchanging his humanity for mere power" and thinking "power is all he needs to feel whole" and that he "embrace[s] it like a desperate lover." Mark didn't think any of those things! He was just taking treatments for his condition and then was in an accident caused by Professor Ziegler!

I guess he's not doing anything different than what most of humanity does. Judging other people through their own flaws and desires.

Just after Hawkman punches Blockbuster dozens of feet into the air, Simon Baz arrives to contain him. But he wasn't sent by Waller because Hawkman called and was in trouble. No, he was sent to grab Hawkman for a new mission. Just like I said. Everything is done by Waller's timetable and fuck you if you think you're going to demand something from her. Like, you know, life saving or rescue.

Hawkman takes this time to finally respond to Emma's ultimatum with a "Fuck you" and an "I'm outta here" and a "How dare you give me an ultimatum?!" Or maybe he just barely remembers her or Carter Hall because he sort of died and was reborn as Katar Hol. Or something. How the fuck should I know?! It's not any more clear than why he began Issue #1 with burning his Nth Metal Outfit!

The Salvaged Hawkman #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. Good fucking riddance. This comic book was a complete mess from Issue #1 and it only got worse, especially after Liefeld got his non-artistic hands all over it. For what it's worth (nothing? What does that even mean?), Tom DeFalco did improve the quality of the comic book somewhat. But he had the easy task of just putting it out of its misery. This is one comic book that deserves to be retired at Rank #52.

...my gigantic cock!