Sunday, May 19, 2013

Sword of Sorcery #8

Eclipso knows how to satisfy the ladies!

Here's the secret to writing: don't give a shit what anybody thinks! There might be some other secrets as well. Like exaggerate as much as possible. And maybe create unlikable characters that people really like to dislike. Also always tell the truth when lying as much as possible. That one is pretty important. Never letting your spouse or parents or children or siblings read what you write helps you to be more truthful, so don't show anybody you care about. If they tell you it's good, you won't believe them and if they tell you it sucks, they're assholes. Also, you're probably writing nasty things about them because writing is a good way to get negative shit off of your chest and you probably don't want your husband reading about how much you hate it when he scratches his balls and sniffs his fingers.

Here's the secret to writing that everybody always tells so it's not actually a secret: if you want to write, write. As a Reader, you might think that's the worst advice you've ever heard! But boy howdy is it good advice since Writers are fucking lazy assholes! Seriously! They want to make a living out of simply spewing imaginary pablum from our imaginations? Really?! Go build something, you lazy twat!

Actually, Writers are very busy and industrious, so that previous paragraph was one of those exaggerating lies of truth I mentioned. You'll never see a cleaner house than the house of a Writer avoiding writing!

If you want to read one of the greatest books about Writing while at the same time reading a lot of pretty good pornography, you should read Nicholson Baker's The Fermata. You know something I forget to do all of the time? Put titles of things in italics. That's because I use quotation marks so much due to referencing comic book issue titles and also because I'm an idiot who hates remembering stylistic norms. There might be better books about Writing out there but I guarantee they won't have any porn in them.

You know what other book probably doesn't have any porn in it? Sword of Sorcery! It even lacks the stereotypical chainmail bikinis and barely covered sorceresses and oiled up barbarians in loincloths with their wangs hanging out. I bet nobody in Fantasy Worlds was ever having sex due to all the chafed, pinched, bruised, and battered genitalia.

Meanwhile on Gemworld, I believe these two panels sum up the action decently enough since I wasted all of my summing up paragraphs with bullshit.

I don't think this is his work but I saw Travis Moore in the art credits with Aaron Lopresti and John Livesay and I remember really hoping to see more of his work last time I saw his name in Sword of Sorcery #4. Look at me with the research instead of just saying "last time in whatever fucking comic book he drew."

Lady Akikra gathers up the small force of heroes needed to defeat the great big evil. I mentioned last time that this was a fantasy book and that we all needed the common fantasy tropes and clich├ęs or we wouldn't understand it! The group consists of those with the Blood Power of a Gem House behind them or else they would easily be taken over by Eclipso's Mind-Eclipse-Hypno Power. I wish he'd name that power already! Maybe he just calls it "eclipsing." That makes sense. The new Lord Turquoise has some misgivings about bringing Amy's fight instructor along.

My guess is two-story Colonial!

Eclipso begins the battle which is over in three seconds as he eclipses the entirety of Lady Mordiel's Amethyst Army. Eclipso believes he can win because the power of House Amethyst is split between three women. But if he kills any of those women, the power will begin to consolidate. So my guess is that he's looking to capture them alive. My other guess is where the fuck is Amethyst's father's ghost? Oh, that wasn't a guess. That was a question. Anyway, where is he?!

The heroes arrive through one of Lady Akikra's portals which seems somehow anticlimactic. Shouldn't there have been six hundred pages of journeying and battling smaller foes and girding loins and losing faith and regaining faith and pressing on and never giving in? These heroes have it easy! Luckily Amy was able to come up with a plan on the nearly instantaneous journey to confront their foe. I bet it has something to do with holding hands and love! Although I hope it has more to do with stabbing people in the face and love.

Oh, I'm so dumb! Of course the plan revolves around the burglar!

And then I read the page where the plan is put into action and I think, "Wait. Why did that just happen?" So I read it again. And then again. And then I remember that House Turquoise has the power of disguise and it all made sense. That's how us old people consume media. Just check your parents' or grandparents' remote controls and you'll notice the rewind button is a little more worn than the rest of them.

"What just happened? Who was that guy? Why did he attack her? That didn't make no sense nohow, showing that scene in the middle of the battle! Why, it's got ta mean somethin'! What am I missin'? Where are my spectacles?"

Once Amy gets the Black Diamond, she signals her mother and her aunt to turn the Gigantic Amethyst Processing Gem on her so she can catalyze the whatsit to the something or other and end Eclipso's reign once and for all!

I was hoping the plan would go off without a hitch for once but it's a fantasy story and a comic book, so what was the likelihood of that?! Eclipso eye lasers the Gigantic Amethyst Processing Gem, destroying it and collapsing it on Lady Mordiel and Amethyst's mother. Then Eclipso presses his attack against Amethyst, shattering her magic sword and grasping her by the throat. If there was ever a time for a cliffhanger, this would be it!

But this comic doesn't have much life left in it, so it has to get one with things. Lady Graciel and Lady Mordiel transfer their powers to Lass Amaya. She breaks free from Eclipso and powers up! Now she should just shove the Black Diamond down Eclipso's throat and banish him into it, thus forcing him into a recursion that will spiral into a wisp of nothingness.

Enh. Close enough! Back into the Black Diamond with you, Ejerko!

The Black Diamond poits out of existence but everybody knows better. Eclipso's prison is still around somewhere and it must be found before the next eclipse or he'll escape. Perhaps it was taken by the ghost of Amaya's father! Princess Amaya and her mother and her aunt and all the Lords of the Gemstone Houses and her battle trainer all lived happily ever after. For at least five months, anyway, since that's when the next eclipse has been scheduled.

Sword of Sorcery #8 Rating: +2 Ranking. I take it this was the final issue! It wrapped up well and I'm sad to see it go. I guess it just didn't have enough Batman in it.

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