Wednesday, May 29, 2013

All Star Western #20

That's a stupid gang name! "The Deadly Bounty Hunters!" I can think up a better name than that while vomiting blood! But since I'm not currently vomiting blood, I can't think of any better names.

Today is Wednesday which is the first day of my always very long weekend. It's the day that many people would call my Friday so I decided to listen to Rebecca Black's "Friday" on Youtube. I'm not one of those haters who hate the song and/or Rebecca. I actually like it. It's catchy and the lyrics are completely inane. But it's naive and innocent and unpretentious. It's Rebecca Black just being true to Rebecca Black. Anyway, I wrote a stanza for my Friday! I hope you enjoy it!

"Gotta read a comic gotta write a review gonna pee in my pants and drink more tea gonna have fish for breaaaaakfast!
It's Friday! Friday! Gotta get drunk on Friday! Masturbating masturbating masturbating yeah! Fun fun fun fun fun!"

After that amazing bit of revelation, I decided to write a parenting book as well. That goes something like this:

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's Guide to Parenting

Chapter One:
The Kids.

Fuck them.


Okay, now I'm going to read All Star Western.

So I was wondering why the cover wasn't Jonah Hex and Booster Gold against the Clem Hootkins Gang. Well, it turns out the Clem Hootkins Gang went and got themselves catched by some satanists.

Or some Norwegians. I really can't tell the difference.

Elsewhere (though not Elsewhere elsewhere as in a comic book that flaunts the rules of DC's continuity), Jonah Hex and Booster Gold are talking about fashion. You see, the main thing Jonah wants to know is how Booster Gold pisses and shits while wearing that full length rubber doohickey of an outfit. Booster either doesn't want to tell him or he simply can't remember since he's suffering from memory loss. Although his memory of Jonah Hex's history was retained. Whatever happened to him probably simply affected his short-term memory. Let's hope for Booster's sake, he forgets Ted so he doesn't have to cry himself to sleep every night. And since Booster is wearing an outfit that leaves nothing to anybody's imagination (I guess they still have to imagine what his internal organs look like), Jonah Hex wants to know what the women wear. Booster can remember Yoga Pants but he can't remember what he did in the future or why he's wearing the stupid blue and gold outfit.

Booster Gold and Jonah Hex stumble upon a flock wake of vultures devouring a brouhaha of gang members. Clem Hootkins Gang members, to be precise! That previous sentence also would have worked with an apostrophe and a lowercase "g"! Booster Gold believes that this turn of events indicates a mystery that needs to be solved! Jonah Hex sees it as his job done for him. He begins collecting the dead bodies to turn in for the bounty. The only gang member that is missing is the dwarf with the Gatling gun. I think the Bounty Hunters kept him as a trophy. That's racist in some way that doesn't have anything to do with race because the dwarf isn't a Roller Playing Game Dwarf! I think the word I might be looking for is prejudiced or fucking bullshit.

Where do I go to pick up my Social Justice Tumblr Trophy for half-assedly coming to the murdering dwarf's defense and not making any dwarf jokes because that's insensitive and I totally know better than to make jokes about anybody for their appearance? Seriously, they have to give those out, right? The one thing I learned from Christianity is that you get a fucking reward for acting good! Now give it to me, dammit!

One missing dwarf doesn't stop Hex from getting down to business anyway.

Hex just hit the fucking lottery with all of these free heads to take in for reward. But Booster still needs his help recovering the gold that was stolen from town. Whoever killed the Clem Hootkins Gang (the Deadly Bounty Hunters, I bet!) took the town's wealth. Booster Gold can't remember much before he traveled back in time but he does seem to remember that he was a law person. Or the big star on his chest has him convinced he was. So Booster offers to share the town's money with Jonah Hex if Hex will help him. I think Hex agrees simply because it means he gets to shoot more people in the face and one thing that never gets old for Jonah Hex is reloading his gun after he's used the previous bullets to shoot someone in the face. It's his most favoritest thing in the world!

That reminds me of one of my favorite short stories of all time by my most favorite writer, Grunion Guy! It's called "Shoot Out in the Old West". That was a link to the story if you were wondering why the font was a different color from the rest of the font. And if the font was the same color, you probably have your browser settings set to "Fuck Everyone Else That Uses My Laptop."

I wish Blue Beetle were here right now!

Meanwhile, the World's Deadliest Bounty Hunters engage in some very sexy mutilation while the dwarf gets to watch. Fucking lucky dwarf. With that kind of luck, I bet he's the asshole that took Captain K'rot's leg! You know, in some wacky time travel caper.

It's not as sexy when seen through Booster's Gogglevision.

Jonah Hex's plan is to shoot everybody and take the gold. Booster's plan is to take the gold and not shoot everybody. So they compromise! Booster Gold takes the gold when everyone is asleep but the lousy dwarf, thinking Booster isn't going to save him, wakes up the camp which means Jonah Hex is probably going to have to shoot everybody. Hopefully Booster Gold will remember he can fly and he has a force field.

He does! Or maybe the force field simply works when it needs to work. Maybe it's the Skeets Penis Implant Booster had installed after Flashpoint. Booster simply walks off with the gold and the Gatling Gun and the dwarf after everybody is done shooting their useless bullets. Booster Gold tells them he's the sheriff of Red River Junction. Booster seems to think this is a threat as opposed to directions for the head Deadly Bounty Hunter to follow when he sobers up. Afterward he rides out to meet up with Hex who decided not to partake of a stupid plan that didn't have any killing in it.

I'm pretty sure the townsfolk are going to decide to tie this little shit to a tree and take turns on the Gatling gun.

The back-up Stormwatch feature finally brings all the members of Stormwatch together for a little action in "The Lost City of Gold"! Why is it people always lose the most valuable cities? I've never heard of a lost city of adobe. Although I guess if you lost a city of adobe, you wouldn't really give much of a fuck about it. "Oh well! I'll just build another one right over here."

Stormwatch has come in search of an artifact located in the City of Gold. Also located in the City of Gold is the ancient vampire Mircalla Nosferata and her brood of bloodsuckers. The vampires attack and Dr. Thirteen doesn't believe in them so they disappear and Stormwatch wins!

No, no. What actually happens is Mircalla exposes the fact that Dr. Thirteen is a virgin and then tries to drink his blood so her greatest wish can come true! That wish is that people will spell "vampire" as "vampyr" and everybody can act like pretentious wanks.

All Star Western #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wonder if Dr. Thirteen is a virgin because he doesn't believe in vaginas? He probably hears people speak of them and poo poos their very existence, having only first hand experience of his own wang. In other news, Booster Gold and Jonah Hex are a fun team. In your face, Amadeus!

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