The Flash #19

This issue should probably be dedicated to Carmine Infantino.

The Flash recently lost his powers to some irresponsible jerks with a magic dial and now he's trapped inside Iron Heights Penitentiary (unless it's called something different) while Outlander Nation storm the walls to free The Trickster. And now it looks like Reverse Flash is coming from the future to cause a Reverse Flash Point. This won't restore DC's old Universe. It'll just make this, hopefully, The New 25! Then maybe I'll actually have some fucking free time to do some other reading and writing. And have relationships with things. And keep my business from failing. And eat more cookies.

I actually began typing "Get more exercise" for that last one and then thought I'd be honest.

Luckily news reports update everybody constantly so that Speed Force can learn about the trouble at Iron Heights and head over to help out. It'll be nice to have a few people who haven't had their powers stolen in on the action even if they have stupid powers like flying Segways and running really fast in super short bursts. Unless Sprint and Turbo Charger have different powers than I'm guessing they have because their powers weren't actually explained last issue. And why did just these two guys get powers while Sprint's girlfriend and Iris West didn't get any? The Speed Force Dimension is fucking sexist.

It looks like Sprint has already discovered the fringe benefits of super powers.

Over at Iron Heights Prison, Outlander Nation seems to have decided that saving The Trickster isn't exactly their main priority. Why not rob the Prison Armory while they're there, right? Too bad for them, Barry Allen (who isn't The Flash right now because of stupid Nelson Whatshisname) has beat them to it. Sure, he's locked in. But he's gathering up all of the super villain weaponry to protect it. In the first panel Barry appears, he's gathering up boomerangs. But who uses Boomerangs anymore? Captain Boomerang doesn't use physical boomerangs! He creates them out of thin air or something. Just like all of The Flash's enemies now. None of them use weapons anymore since everybody finally realized that The Flash instantly disarming super villains made for a really boring comic book that still somehow ran for hundreds of issues. I guess the weapons Barry's getting together are all from the old days before the super villains actually became super.

Apparently the Prison Armory isn't very secure since Barry just climbs through a ceiling tile and gets into the hallway behind the Outlanders. This prison is awful. No wonder it can't hold any Rogues for long.

Yep! Weapons from the old days.

Barry uses the weather wand to create a windstorm that blows the bad guys (and the guard) into the wall, knocking them out. That's some pretty shitty genetic coding on that wand. Unless Barry Allen is The Weather Wizard! Or related to him. Or has some of his semen on his hand. Next Barry takes out another group with one of Trickster's balls. This fight is getting super sexy! I mean disgusting!

Somewhere else in the prison, Turbocharger (I guess his name is one word!) overloads a circuit breaker while trying to help and releases all of the inmates instead. His partner, Sprint, hasn't shown up because he's probably off robbing a bank. And I don't blame him! The Flash treated him like shit last issue and told him not to use his powers. Who the fuck does The Flash think he is? Arbirter of who gets to use super powers? That's the Goddamned Batman's job. Boy, The Flash will steal work from anybody.

Eventually Barry finds Turbocharger surrounded by Trickster and the last of Outlander Nation. Using Captain Cold's old gun, Barry has Turborcharger "turbocharge" it, and he fires on Outlander Nation.

Instantly killing them all. This is one of my favorite comic book suspension of disbelief assumptions: encasing a person in solid ice is a means of subduing people as opposed to a means of freezing, suffocating, and crushing them.

One of the people encased in the ice is Sprint's girlfriend, Marissa. Barry realizes that she was the one making the vibrations shaking the prison. So the Speed Force isn't sexist! I guess it's just that when a woman gets super powers, she doesn't feel the need to pull them out and show them to everybody at every party she goes to. This probably means that Iris West also has some trick up her sleeve. Too bad Marissa is now frozen and dead before we even got to learn her super power name. I bet it's The Vibrator.

It also turns out that Marissa was the jerk that stole the diamonds and killed the security guy. So it wasn't Sprint using his powers to steal shit. It was this asshole! No wonder she was keeping her powers secret. And since they arrest her later, I guess she and everybody else frozen in the ice didn't die.

What do you mean nobody was around to see it? Do the people encased in ice go blind? Am I expected to believe they're in some kind of stasis? Are they unconscious? In a coma? I think what this actually means is Marissa, The Trickster, and a dozen Outlander Nation guys now know Barry Allen is The Flash.

After all the ice thaws and the prisoners are rounded up and moved to a location safer than a prison where inmates can escape through ceiling tiles, The Flash explains how the crime was committed to a derp-faced Turbocharger.

I think you ruin the purity of the pun by adding "literally" to it.

The Flash realizes that everybody who spent time in the Speed Force now has powers except for Iris. Should I phrase that differently? The Flash has learned about the powers granted to everybody who spent time in the Speed Force except for Iris's power. I bet she now has Speed Mind capabilities. She's going to be the greatest interviewer/journalist ever!

The Flash decides to do research on why he lost his powers and he makes an obvious discovery: Batman was already working on the problem before The Flash lost his powers. That Batman is so smart! I don't think Batman knows about Nelson and Roxie (look at me! I'm a doubter! How can I not believe Batman already knows everything?!) but he is keeping tabs on the Canadian Organization that The Human Centipede works for. Or, um, used to work for. Cyborg promises to keep some RAM open to monitor the crazy Dial events.

And then Cyborg makes a joke which I guess he hasn't done for five years because The Flash is completely shocked by it! So if you're keeping score, it takes five years to be able to joke about having most of your body destroyed and then merged to a high-tech computer.

The issue ends with Reverse Flash reverse killing Turbocharger. What I mean to say is he had just killed Turbocharger and then he pulled a Braid and reversed time so that Turbocharger was alive. He may or may not have done this so he could enjoy killing him a second time.

The Flash #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. As always, this comic gives up the good times. Marcio Takara's art seemed rushed in places but that might just be because he's drawing The Flash and he's trying to keep the artwork thematic! I hope Reverse Flash doesn't break The New 52 just a year and a half in. Maybe The Reverse Flash will get his own title after this where he goes back and forward in time watching the heroes that don't exist anymore but did exist before the Reboot. It could be like a DC Universe Presents but it would be called Reverse Flash Presents Tales From the Preboot.