Justice League #20

Thank goodness Aquaman is here!

That was a joke because this battle happens in space instead of the pool at the YMCA. I suppose Aquaman can throw his trident to put out all of Despero's eyes at once. Or maybe Aquaman can telepathically communicate with the microbes swimming in Despero's eye goop and get them to do something that somebody with more knowledge of the biology of eye goop microbes would know that they could do. Maybe they could all defecate at once and blind him? If DC doesn't like the science behind that move, I'll just sell it to Marvel.

While everybody was busy doing non-Justice-League-Meeting related things while they were all supposed to be having a Justice League Meeting, Despero attacked the Justice League Satellite. The only two people that were there were Firestorm and The Atom. I guess that's technically three people. Four people if you want to count Despero. Only three and a half people if you count normative amounts of eyeballs per person. I was hoping Element Woman would show up to save the day. She's currently grabbing some grub for the get together.

Do they have televisions in Atlantis? I know that question doesn't have anything to do with the picture! But I was just wondering what they do for entertainment while they get beerguts. Oh my god?! Do they even have alcohol? Do they ferment seaweed?

The Atom is narrating introductions to whoever the fuck she's narrating introductions to. She knows Firestorm's secret identities as well as Element Woman's old identity. Maybe she's selling information to Amanda Waller because Amanda Waller is the type of person that people sell information to. Hey, did you know a tautology is what it is because it's a tautology? True story.

Element Woman joins Firestorm and The Atom aboard the Justice League Satellite just in time to help them retreat from Despero.

Oh, so now everybody gets to remember that Martian Manhunter was a member of the Justice League? Perhaps it has something to do with the Magenta Time Line since Martian Manhunter was probably never in Stormwatch now and never had to erase his existence from everybody's memories.

The Atom stops acting cocky right about the time that Despero rips Firestorm in half with his psychic powers. Well, he doesn't exactly rip him in half. He just disassembles Firestorm returning him to his component parts of Ronnie and Jason. Element Woman has proven to be the most useful if the only way to stop Despero is with non sequiturs. She's actually the opposite of useful which is entertaining. She did turn into a pink cloud at one point and managed to make her right leg into a messy fart that she got all over The Atom.

This is disgusting.

Despero smashes Element Woman into bits but it's not like she has any vital organs that will stop functioning when something like this happens. I don't even think she has a brain anymore. I suppose she's just a skewed magical version of her former personality that has basically imprinted on an extreme batch of silly putty. That's probably why she's crazy and eccentric and depressed.

I just realized Element Woman was bringing enough food for nine people. But Firestorm is two people. Does Jason taste food when Firestorm eats? If Firestorm were somewhere where he had no water and I guess everything was made from stuff he couldn't turn into water since this is a hypothetical situation, would Jason be safe in Ronnie's head? Could Ronnie keep Jason alive longer by maintaining the Firestorm body while he dies from dehydration? Then when he's nearly dead, they would separate and Jason would now be as fully hydrated as he was when he merged?

Also Despero causes the Justice League Watchtower to lose orbit and begin plummeting to Earth. This prevents Cyborg from Boom Tubing them to it because its position keeps changing. If only they had a computer that could do the calculations that would enable them to know the satellite's location across time!

The Atom is more concerned with Despero reading her thoughts and discovering her secret than she is of dying. Her secret must be something truly awful! Like she's working with Lex Luthor or she short-sheeted Batman's bed. Boy, the old days sure were tame when short-sheeting was the height of pranks! Well, that and putting your sleeping friend's hand in a bowl of warm water. Nowadays a prank has to be video taped and somebody needs to nearly die for it to be funny.

The Atom gets lucky (actually she makes her own luck by saying "Martian Manhunter" out loud) and Martian Manhunter arrives to save the day. Since he's the only one that can defeat Despero (don't tell Batman I said that).

Martian Manhunter is a cross between Bloody Mary and The Candyman. Just say his name and you've got a surprise guest for your kid's birthday party.

Since The Atom knows so much about the superhero community and she keeps mentioning having read files, she must actually be a member of the Justice League of America. That's also why she's more desperate to keep her secret than to live. Because if Waller finds out The Atom let the secret slip, Waller is going to nail the little shit to the wall. Being on Waller's bad side is obviously worse than dying. Which means the saying Manhunter's name thing might only work for other members of the JL of A. So forget that kid's birthday party thing. You better just play it safe and hire the fucking clown.

I guess I could let this go but I'm not going to: the smaller you are in the DCnU, the harder it is to read your mind. I suppose it's like having a gigantic Ham radio antenna in your backyard versus a tiny little antenna mounted on the rain gutter. The Atom's tiny mind just puts out tiny little brain waves that are hard to pick up. And it also means Despero's psychic attacks are less effective because her tiny little brain just can't pick up the psychic waves.

I read this just after I wrote that last paragraph. Also, The Atom must be a triple agent and is working for the Super Duper Secret Society of Super Villains as well if she's afraid of what Martian Manhunter might see in her mind.

Cyborg can calculate where the Watchtower is going to land but he can't do the relatively simple math to teleport their asses on its falling structure. Teleporting this group into an empty space on board the Watchtower is no different than landing a rover on Mars! And even with some risk, Batman and Wonder Woman are going to willingly take that risk! Or Superman could just fly them all to the Watchtower just as quickly, right?

Martian Manhunter defeats Despero by reversing the flow of his synapses. Yeah, that totally makes sense. DC Comics: we am more scientifical than Marvel! He should have just said he blocked Despero's synapses from firing. Reversing them! Ha ha. You know what? Maybe he was making a Martian joke and it just went over my head because I've become so acculturated to Earth humor.

Instead of wiping The Atom's mind, he simply trusts that she won't tell anybody that he was there. Which means they must be teammates! It also means The Atom is going to have to take credit for reversing Despero's synapses! I guess she could have become really tiny and ran around his brain exchanging potassium ions with sodium ions and shitting in all of his receptors.

That lie might work on Superman dying from Kryptonite poisoning but don't you dare try to get it past Batman!

Superman was able to land the Watchtower safely on Earth before freaking out from a tiny little piece of Kryptonite. He heads to the sun to feel better while Aquaman finally climbs out of the ocean to make an appearance. Batman explains that he was studying the Kryptonite to find a cure for Superman's allergy and in no way was he ever possibly even contemplating in the slightest using the Kryptonite against Superman himself. Nope. Never crossed his mind.

Using some Dupin style deductions, Cyborg realizes that Despero didn't steal the ring. Somebody else got it for him. Probably that fucking Martian Manhunter! Whoever did take it also kept a sliver of the Kryptonite for themselves.

Afterward, Batman gives Superman a tour of his In Case of Emergency Batcave. He shows Superman that he has a briefcase with a means to stop any one of them if they go out of control. Wonder Woman's does not have a book of insults against women like I thought it might. Instead it's empty because Batman says Superman belongs in that box.

Superman, you don't need to prepare! Obviously if someone acts out, you can immediately deal with it. Batman doesn't have that luxury so his preparation seems morbid and depressing.

And then Batman gives Superman a box with the secret to take him down.

It's probably child pornography with Bruce Wayne's fingerprints on it.

Seriously, why does Superman need a case with some secret weapon to take out The Batman? Superman has super strength and freeze breath and laser eyes and super speed and flight. I'm pretty sure he can use any one of those powers to steal a gun to use to shoot Batman in the face.

In the end, it turns out The Atom is working for the Justice League of America. She may have been trying to shield her thoughts from Martian Manhunter because she could be Waller and Trevor's secret agent. The Atom is meant to be able to take out Element Woman but the JL of A have yet to find someone to counter Firestorm. I'm pretty sure they'll need Captain Atom for that. But The Atom probably won't be around for long since she has one hurdle there's no way she's going to be able to jump.

I'm pretty sure that Batman can't disprove that dropping trou and pissing in Despero's head wouldn't short circuit his brain!

The Shazam story begins with Billy Batson learning he made a huge mistake. Black Adam is not the small boy that was given the power of Shazam! He is the boy's uncle with whom the boy shared his power. And then the uncle stole all of the power and destroyed the boy because the boy was a no good beatnick peace loving love child. But Billy may have learned from that story that he can share his power with his siblings! And probably even a tiger!

Billy's siblings run a garbage truck into Black Adam to free Billy. But then they end up at Black Adam's mercy while Billy transforms to Shazam. And then the next issue is the conclusion of the great Shazam Family Origin Story! I'm sure Billy will share his power to save them all. And Black Adam will cry at how lovely it all is and slink back to Khandaq to be a dick later.

Justice League #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue gets a +1 Ranking for Element Woman making herself into a car and a +1 Ranking on the reveal that Black Adam is a gigantic dick. Okay, so that last one wasn't much of a reveal. But I did like how he usurped the Wizard's choice of champion. That was nice.