Green Lantern #20

This cover is missing G'nort. I am disappoint.

Right from the start, I know I'm going to have trouble with the resolution of this story. How do you defeat somebody that can alter reality? My guess is you have to be human and filled with emotions because humans and emotions are apparently rare in the Universe even though all of the Lantern Corps are based on emotions. Also, you have to be incredibly stubborn like Hal Jordan so that you can refuse to believe the changes in reality. You must also be brash like Hal Jordan so that your enemy can't predict what you're going to do. And you must believe that you love even when you don't love so that love can win through and you can continue to fool Carol Ferris into thinking that you love her. Also having thousands of Lanterns as back-up probably doesn't hurt. You might also have to begin as a dead Black Lantern so your opponent underestimates you and believes you can't do anything because you're dead.

The issue begins with the time tag: "Beyond tomorrow." So I guess they mean next weekend? Hopefully next weekend, the Guardians will be out of town forever and it'll be party time on Oa. It begins promising with nary a blue head in sight! A new recruit has just finished training and heads to the Bookkeeper to hear the most boring story in the universe:

It's probably been embellished and exaggerated after thousands of years so that Hal Jordan now seems interesting and exciting.

Hey! Don't let my bias against Hal Jordan make you feel bad that you like the pathetic jerk! You're free to admire and like any old boring hero you want!

Before getting to the point of the story where Issue #19 left off, The Bookkeeper must summarize Hal's life in a few panels. In the beginning, he ignored saving the universe and spent his time flirting with carol Ferris. Then Doomsday destroyed Coast City and Hal Jordan became Parallax, you dig? But then he wasn't Parallax anymore because he called for help from The Spectre. I wanted to say he became The Spectre but that's Preboot history and this truncated history doesn't actually say he was ever The Spectre. [Later Hal is shown to be The Spectre at one point.] And then he went from one gigantic DC Crossover to another until he eventually ended up as a dead Black Lantern, arriving in Geoff Johns final Green Lantern story. And hopefully beginning a new era of Green Lantern where the universe isn't always on the brink of extinction.

Oh yeah. And Sinestro returned to his roots.

The Bohemian Guardians of the Universe head to Maltus after being freed from the Prison at the Center of Nothing because their only inmate was freed by the CEO Guardians of the Universe that have constantly tried to keep the citizens of the universe down by controlling everything with their constant armies and police forces. But they find the Heart of the Guardians is gone, having been consumed by Volthoom. It is fitting that the CEO Guardians of the Universe had to leave their hearts behind before they went off on their selfish journey of power and entitlement.

Speaking of the word "entitlement," I have to say it's rather fitting that the people who feel most entitled are the ones that began using the word to describe everybody else. How dare people follow their passions in life when those passions aren't concerned with earning scads of money and then they dare to want to have access to reasonable health care as well. I guess they should abandon their dreams for their one and only lifetime and get with the fucking capitalist program and start grubbing all the money. Fuck y'all that call everyone lazy simply because their work doesn't fit into the money making paradigm of your United States of Fucking America, you goddamn bitches. And guess what? I'm a fucking business owner saying this shit! I'm a job creator! Of course, my business is employee owned and there's only one employee and the job I created was my own. But that's the only job worthy of my time anyway.

And let's get me started on the phrase "job creator"! Fucking dick barges that created that word are the biggest goddamned assholes in the country. Who wants your fucking created job with no benefits and minimum wage? A job with no fucking security that doesn't get anybody anywhere but treading water! Eat my dick! No, wait. Let me fuck myself in the ass for a second. Okay, NOW eat my dick. These pricks want everybody to bow down and thank them for the shittiest jobs in the world with no security by labeling themselves "job creators" when they're really just opportunistic assholes chopping away at the middle class in order to create a country composed of rich people and wage slaves. Guess why they want that? Because then the critics and the artists won't have time to criticize and articize!

These liberal middle class Green Lanterns better stop trying to completely outlaw guns because they're going to need their fucking heat to fight off the corporate chain gang military Manhunters that come knocking down their doors when they call in sick for work one day!

Man. These Guardians of the Universe really piss me the fuck off! Where was I?

They're so arrogant they don't even know when they're about to lose everything!

It turns out The Great Heart is actually The First Lantern. And when it was created as a receptacle for the emotions of The Guardians, a ring also appeared as a means to access the power of the First Lantern. And Volthoom the Time Traveler was there to try it on. The One Ring!

Now that the new Xbox is called Xbox One, when it breaks down, will we be referring to it as the One Ring of Doom?

I always assumed Ganthet could feel emotions because he was the only Guardian to get laid when they began dating the Zamarons. This works too!

The next thing that Volthoom attempts to do explains why the universe isn't in complete trouble now that he can rewrite reality. He has to use the main Power Battery as an access terminal to the past. But Guy Gardner and the Green Lantern Corps (and Carol Ferris) arrive to put a stop to his chicanery. Volthoom scoffs at them because his power is back and he uses the phrase "tip top." When something is "tip top," it means it is "the bees' knees." I'm not sure why Bees need knees since they fly all the time and when they're not flying, they're stinging you. I also don't understand why Bees Knees mean the best thing ever. Just like the Cat's Meow! It makes no sense! But Tip-Top does! Because it's the top! Cat's Meow is what hip chicks and grooving guys say when something is tip top! Volthoom's scoffing comes from the fact that his creations are real now instead of mere constructs!

You know what, Volthoom? That's stupid and not much of a threat. Most people don't really care if they're killed by a space octopus made of light or a space octopus made of flesh and blood. Okay, so I guess you don't have to concentrate to maintain the space octopus once you make it. So that's kind of an advantage. But it really only evens the playing field when it's one guy that can make real things with his ring against an army of thousands that can only make cheap imitations of those things. If I were an odds maker in Las Vegas (and I'm not! I know! Shocking!), the odds of you winning would not be good. That's bookkeeping slang for you're going to lose! I looked it up in Wikipedia just now to make sure that I sounded authentic!

Meanwhile Hal Jordan is finding death suits him. He contacts the Indigo Lanterns because they're linked to the entire spectrum for some reason that people who have been reading all of Geoff Johns' stuff probably know. He's expecting them to help him out of The Dead Zone even if it means they'll have to put the Guardians of the Universe's Remorse Ring production on hold.

And then the real heroes arrive to give Volthoom a good old fashioned taste of what for!

I don't actually know what it means to "get what for." I don't think anybody does! Because nobody has ever continued being a spoiled brat when an adult told them they were going to get what for if they continued being a dick! And I bet those that did, didn't survive the what for because the parent had no idea what the what for was either, having never pushed the line with their parents. So the only solution at that point is to kill your kid because you can't have one of those little shits calling your bluff. That's what's wrong with the world today! Parents letting kids call their bluff left and right! Don't any of these newfangled parents play poker?

Dagnabbit! I feel like I'm using a lot of old timey words and phrases in this commentary, by gum.

After Atrocitus snaps Volthooms neck but it doesn't take, the Green Lanterns try to get back into the fight. But Zilius Zox tries to keep them out of the battle so Atrocitus can take his revenge on Volthoom. And then my heart bursts with fucking joy and tears, goddammit, I'm telling you tears welled up in my eyes at this next scene!

I just knew this flibbertigibbet would show up!

I've used this phrase before but I like it and it's entirely appropriate for this moment: I literally figuratively stood up and cheered when this happened! There's so much to like in these two panels. First, of course, is the triumphant return of G'nort in a non-flashback moment of the New 52 (okay, technically this is a future flashback of the present. But it's the present!)! Second is G'nort's genius use of a gigantic dog to grab Zilius Zox like a tennis ball. And third is Gnort's first line of the New 52: "Better late than never." Fuck yeah, G'nort. Fuck yeah.

I know my commentaries aren't really the best reviews. They're really just entertainment and a way for me to remember what's happening in each comic book from month to month. But since this is a long book, let me take a break to say what I think of this so far: this book is kicking ass. If this is what Geoff Johns' Green Lantern books were like in the Naughts, I can see why they kept going back to the Green Lantern Well for huge crossovers. While the rest of the Volthoom story up until this point was kind of meek and timid and not very focused, this is definitely a finale (so far!) worth tying up the first year and a half of The New 52 Green Lantern. And I think I had my first really huge fanboy moment of The New 52 with that (bears repeating!) triumphant return of G'nort. I have to go blow my nose now.

The Red, Blue, Violet, and Green Lanterns, along with one White Lantern, pour all of their energy into Mogo and Mogo rains it down upon Volthoom. He's blasted and weakened but he still claims he's going to win because he "traveled to the beginning of time" and saw his destiny. So is everything that will ever happen written down on a whiteboard at the starting point of time? How else would Volthoom know he wins if he went backward in time? Shouldn't he have gone forward in time? Maybe I just don't understand time. Have I been reading my fucking clock wrong for forty years? Jesus Christ! Why hasn't anybody told me?! Do people just politely not point out to adults that they're idiots?! No wonder the only job I've been able to keep is the one where I work on my own schedule! Also the one where I don't have to deal with people. Also the one where I can tell people to fuck the hell off if they treat me like shit and I won't fire myself.

After Volthoom declares, "Ha ha! You failed!", he gets a gigantic Yellow Lantern Battery dropped on his head. It looks like it's time to add some Yellow Light to the mix! And I guess only when the Indigo Tribe and Hal Jordan show up will Volthoom be on the breaking point. But he still won't be defeated until somebody can convince Larfleeze that it's in his best interests to throw a little Orange Light their way.

And right on cue, the Indigo Tribe arrive to Nok Nok Nok and open the gate to the Dead Zone so that Hal Jordan's corpse can make its stunning debut!

I'm ruining the binding on this oversized comic book to scan these pictures!

Hal Jordan's army of dead things looks pretty impressive on a two page spread but they're all wiped out in a panel one page later. I guess they were too hard to draw over and over again. Also, Volthoom captures Hal Jordan and begins to work his reality changing mojo on him. I guess Volthoom needs the Green Power Battery to alter the general past but he can alter people's pasts on a one-on-one basis. He begins digging into Hal's life to find a moment when he was completely overcome with fear as a means of getting a claw into Hal and changing him for good. Which will probably work out for the best since it should keep him from being dead at this moment.

Although if Hal is instantly changed from a Black Lantern into a Green Lantern once again, I don't know why the Book of the Black declared him the greatest Black Lantern! That must mean all of the other Black Lanterns were super horrible because Hal has done absolutely nothing as a Black Lantern so far.

Whoops. I guess I was wrong. Say goodnight, universe!

In order to try and stop Volthoom undoing he current universe, Sinestro summons Parallax out of the Great Yellow Power Battery Lantern. I never know whether I should call it a battery or a lantern and yet they're all lanterns so you'd think that decision would make itself. Parallax enters Sinestro to take control but Sinestro seems to be master of Parallax. I suppose he just sucked down his power and is ready to save everything.

Sinestro manages to save the current universe by ripping out Volthoom's heart. But it's just a minor delay. Because it turns out Volthoom has a pretty big fucking ego. You can survive for weeks without a heart if you're ego is big enough and you declare yourself a god.

So Mogo didn't defeat Volthoom. Black Lantern Jordan didn't defeat Volthoom. Sinestro and Parallax Sinestro didn't defeat Volthoom. The Green Lantern Corps didn't defeat Volthoom. None of the other Corps were able to defeat Volthoom. Kyle Raynor and Simon Baz weren't able to defeat Volthoom. I think that leaves Larfleeze! Unless the Bohemian Guardians are going to swoop in and save the day with some acid and groovy music. Except this is the rebirth and story of Hal Jordan. So I have a feeling that Green Lantern Hal Jordan will be the Volthoom Defeater and the Day Saver.

But first Hal Jordan needs to do the thing that will make him the greatest Black Lantern to ever not live.

I don't know if Nekron is the author or the editor of The Book of the Black but it would make sense that he would claim Hal Jordan was the greatest Black Lantern if Hal rescued him from eternal obscurity.

With Nekron at his side, Hal Jordan knocks the emotional spectrum out of Volthoom, turning him back into a human. At that point, Nekron cuts him in two.

Hmm. Okay, well, that was a little anti-climactic. But I suppose Hal could only do the emotional spectrum drain after all the other attacks had been made on Volthoom, weakening him to just before the point where it could be done. Then when Nekron makes Volthoom shit his pants, it was time to launch his attack! Hal Jordan saves the universe! And, as a side effect, saves the Guardians of the Universe as well. I hope those Indigo Lanterns have the Remorse Rings ready to shove on their fat blue fingers.

And then a ring decides to rechoose Hal Jordan as a member of the Green Lantern Corps. Stupid ring! Can't you see he's dead and already a member of a Corps! I hate you, you stupid ring! Go fuck yourself!

But there's still hope for a truly happy ending!

Yes! Punish them! Rip their throats out! Pull their colons out of their asses! Piss in their kidneys and stuff them with feta cheese and deep fry them and sell them at a fair!

But that still doesn't happen! The Sinestro Corps explode form their prisons in the ground to create a distraction so that Sinestro Parallax can wander off and kill the Guardians himself. Okay! Cool. What do I care who kills them? Just get rid of those fuckers already. If Geoff Johns ends his run by removing the Guardians once and for all, he'll forever be the greatest person to ever have big enough balls and enough editorial power to silence those little shits. He'll also be the least person to ever do that since he'll be the only one but who said I ever made sense in my commentaries? Fuck sense! It takes too long!

Although I'm sure they're just going to learn to live with their emotions and maybe their Rings of Remorse and they'll probably have to live on a commune with the Bohemian Guardians.

To determine the fate of the Guardians of the Universe, Hal Jordan and Sinestro Parallax have a quiet discussion full of salient points and sound, philosophical reasoning. But in the end, it's all just intellectual banter since Sinestro has already killed the little fuckers.

This should be The Story of Sinestro! He's the one that saved the readers from having to read another story about the Guardians of the Universe being out of control and power hungry. Although I'm not sure I trust those Bohemian bastards yet!

Sinestro said he killed them all but the reader never sees him kill Ganthet. And then Arkillo tells Atrocitus that Sinestro left one for him. So it's possible that Atrocitus still has Ganthet alive to replace his Krona Doll.

And with the end of the story, the reader is returned to "Beyond Tomorrow" to possibly learn the identity of the mysterious Bookkeeper! I want to guess it's Hal Jordan and his arrogance is keeping his name alive with this story. But it might be Sinestro living forever with the power of Parallax and making sure everybody remembers his good friend, Hal Jordan. Of course, it also might be G'nort because he deserves it.

The page after "The End" when the story still continues because the new Green Lantern wants to hear about the lives and deaths of the great heroes after The Wrath of the First Lantern, there is an image of the Bookkeeper where you an see some purple color on his face. So it probably is Sinestro.

The book ends with a few short stories of Corps Members.

Guy Gardner. Now he's knocking people out in one punch.

John Stewart returned to Earth with Fatality where they were married and John went into politics. Kyle Raynor became a Space Healer until he gave his very last for others.

Justice League's death? I'm sure that's metaphorical!

The other Corps continue to do other Corps stuff. And Hal Jordan marries Carol Ferris and they have a baby named Martin and they live happily every after into old age. Hmm. That story makes me think these are all bullshit!

The Bookkeeper is Sinestro but he doesn't reveal his story. How he saved Ganthet. How he somehow saved Sayd. How he reunited them. How he told Larfleeze to suck it.

And that's how it all ended forever and ever! Except for the epilogues and the rest of the issues that will continue to tell the stories of the various Green Lanterns.

Green Lantern #20 Rating: +5 Ranking. It took Geoff Johns to give up the reins of Green Lantern to have all of the various plot threads tied up nicely so that the story didn't just ooze on into another cosmic crisis crossover! And I've got to say I wasn't disappointed. I've only followed Green Lantern for the last year and a half though. So I'd have to leave it up to other people who were reading Johns' work across the last ten years to really describe how the story worked as a whole. I think there is one thing that DC could learn from this experience that they won't learn because money is involved: epic, amazing stories can be told if given the time and patience to let a writer develop them. A title needs stability to have this kind of impact on the medium of comic books. I realize it's not always possible. But I think DC has to realize at some point that the occasional title that might not be selling as well as they like could be a critical success. These comics need time to grow. They need experts who recognize good shit when it's presented to them and not just experts who can see two numbers and determine which is higher. Once DC realizes a book is being written well with great characters, perhaps they need to subsidize a book like that with another Batman title! Just link two books together and take the median amount made by both books and give these well-written books time! Think of something! Please! Because the death of comics will not come from people not being interested in Batman. The death of comics will come from shitty stories being rammed down fans throats simply because they star a favorite character.

Whatever. I'm sure I'll keep reading DC for a little while yet.