Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Teen Titans #20

This is it! The origin of Harvest!

Last issue ended with the stupidest fucking bullshit coming from out of Red Robin's face. Hundreds of military men and women had just been wiped out by Death Speaker, Trigon's little boy toy. Red Robin stood amidst the carnage, looked around, and said, "Nobody better fucking blame us." And being the whip smartest Robin that ever lived, he instantly realizes that Trigon's plan was not to take over the world or to kill hundreds of humans, or to just create chaos and misery in the streets of New York. No, no. Trigon's plan was to make people think, "You know what? I don't really like those Teen Titans."

This issue doesn't begin any fucking better. First off, Psimon is not unconscious any more. I guess "mere moments" is enough time for him to bounce back up and defend himself against Red Robin's accusation that he killed two dozen soldiers. Or Scott Lobdell just assumes nobody is going to remember where last month's comic book left off, so why not just begin this one however he wants. You would think the editors would nip that shit in the bud though since they should be thinking about how fucking stupid this is going to look in the Trade. Page twenty: Psimon obviously unconscious amidst Beast Boy's tentacles. Page twenty-one: Psimon standing up and yelling he's not the bad guy.

It's true! They were going to just arrest everybody involved in the skirmish because fuck trying to stop the demon ravaging New York City! Let's arrest the easier to catch people that are actually fighting the threat.

The only way it would be acceptable for the military to come in and try to arrest The Teen Titans instead of fighting with them against Trigon is if only the Teen Titans can see Trigon. I have a feeling that might be the case and if it isn't, I'm just going to believe it anyway.

Also, this jerks name is Psimon. Get it? Psimon says, "Drop dead!" So none of these guards should actually be dead because he didn't say, "Psimon says, 'Drop dead!'"

Okay, so Psimon's great defense is that the soldiers were going to arrest everyone so they should be thanking him for killing them. But he isn't the only reason on the first page why this issue went horribly awry from page one. Solstice's reaction isn't any better.

First rule of Do Not Get Sued Club is "Never Apologize"! Stop acting like this was your fault! You were there to stop the giant demon. You didn't force the giant demon's Psimon doll to murder everyone. Now the general populace is definitely going to blame you.

Trigon has disappeared from the scene. I guess because his plan to make the Teen Titans lose popularity worked. Kid Flash beats Psimon back into unconsciousness. But then Superboy stops him from going too far and killing Psimon outright because Psimon threatened the girl that Kid Flash once made out with unexpectedly loves!

I have no idea why Kid Flash thinks, "At least...someone thinks so!" Did I miss something? Was Kid Flash traumatized by ARGUS going after him in Vibe? So now he thinks everybody thinks he's an evil murderer? Or is this just another bit of random dialogue that Lobdell thinks helps build the character. "You know what? Kid Flash has been chirpy and optimistic through the entire run! But if I make him think this one out of character thing, it'll show he's full of self-doubt and low self-esteem!"

The scene shifts to the Five Under Realms where Trigon is now watching Raven shoot the shit with the Teen Titans. The Five Under Realms? Why do the editors at DC allow Scott Lobdell to create places in the DC Universe?! Is it too much work for Lobdell to actually learn about the DC Universe and use an existing hell dimension? Like, you know, Hell?

I need to stop being distracted by the little things! My main concern now is why the fuck is Trigon back in Hell the Five Under Realms? He claims he needs Raven to take over the Earth Seventh Kingdom. But what was that attack he made on New York City? Was that the best he could do and then he was forced out of the Seventh Kingdom because Raven didn't get the Crystal Moon Scepter so she could open the Glittering Portal to the Interim Way Station where the Crystal Moon Scepter could be used to pick the locks of the Gordian Magna Chains sealing the Omnidoor to the Five Under Realms?

Okay, okay! I'll shut up so I can hear your story! I want to know all about why Trigon wants to rule the Seventh Kingdom and how he existed before there was time and how he's probably going to be the most powerful godlike creature since Oracle in Superman!

Trigon begins his story: "Once upon a time before there was time when there was no such thing as time. In those days which weren't days because I just said there was no time, I sat upon the throne of twelve kingdoms that had yet to invent fire because you can't have fire or light without time. I also may not have sat since "sat" implies an act that began with standing and ended with sitting and then spanned a certain amount of time in the seated position. But since there was no time, I suppose I just sort of sat and not sat at the same time or something. Anyway, eventually time was created so that my story could make sense."

"Everywhere I looked (this is still me, Trigon!), souls bowed and groveled before me! I don't know where they came from because it was too dark to see anything and then suddenly time and then boom there they were! But I tell you what: it was really boring. The best part about life before time was invented is that nobody was ever bored. And then time was invented and suddenly you have to deal with these interminably long minutes before something new happens! Ugh. I could do without it. So I killed people and terrorized people and ruled the world and...yawn...boring. Seen it all."

"And then I discovered sex! Holy shit! Suddenly time was worth it! Well, only the time spent achieving orgasm. The rest of the time was just as dreary. But sex led to babies and my babies were always male and that was boring for some reason or another that I haven't yet explained. Maybe it was because it was all the same. I needed something new! Something different! What I needed..."

"I don't know why my daughter has such a long penis."

"Not owning anything pink to drape over my daughter (Hey! I'm evil! Of course I believe in stereotypical and narrowly defined gender roles!), I gave her to her mother to raise. I was also kind of hoping she would learn love because love is the most important thing in all the world according to Hollywood and Hallmark and dreary, cliche, lonely people. But instead of homeschooling Raven, her mother took her to Azarath, land of the hippie beatniks and their lentil casseroles and hippy dippy bead curtains. Fuck I hate that place."

"Schoolhouse Rocky! A chip off the block of your favorite schoolhouse, Schoolhouse Rock!"

"And then The Phatuous Stranger brought my daughter back to me! My daughter and I killed more of my subjects because what the fuck else is there to do in the Five Under Realms! What happened to the other two since I did mention that I wanted Raven to recreate the Seven Under Realms in her image? I don't know. Maybe they seceded. Anyway, Raven wanted friends so she decided to become friends with the Teen Titans. But she believes they will only be her friends if she manipulates and controls them. Oh, she will learn that the truth is far worse! They will willingly die at her hands because they love her so much! Wait, is that bad? I'm confused. There's death in that statement so that's actually good. But the death is due to loving so much so that's bad. Anyway, she'll make enemies of friends that would have been friends without being forced but will become enemies when they learn they were forced to be friends. But in the end, they'll all reconcile and Raven will learn a lesson and the credits will roll. Now go, sons of Trigon, and do that thing you're supposed to do!"

And that's how the fifteen page scene in the Five Under Realms explains the origin of Raven!

Back on Earth, Raven tries to make friends and Cassie tries to beat the crap out of Raven and Raven flips the fuck out and everybody calms down and then the Sons of Trigon appear to bring Raven home.

Teen Titans #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. Whatever. Just another issue of a comic book that Scott Lobdell can't be bothered to connect from month to month. Why did Trigon attack and then go back home? I don't know. Why did he bring Raven along even though he knew she was planning on staying with the Titans? A test, I guess? Why does Trigon want Raven back now that she failed? Because she's his! Duh! Why was Red Robin Reborn on the cover? Probably because Lobdell doesn't know where his story will go from month to month, so why should the cover artists have any idea? I'm supposed to go to work now but I don't think I have the energy for it! I'm going to go drown myself in the bathtub now. See you later!

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