Team 7 #8

Single Red Rose. Romantic Lightning. Pandora's Box Exploding From Being Touched. This was a good date!

Last issue I mentioned how confused I was about the creation of Majestic. I thought I'd cleared it all up and decided that Kaizen Gammora had sent Spartan to activate Majestic so that Kaizen would have the chance to kill a God. And then I opened this issue to the first page.

So now John Lynch is taking credit for it?

Maybe Lynch is taking credit for creating Majestic but not activating the meta-gene. Perhaps Team 7 found a way to manipulate and alter the meta-gene so that when it was activated, the resulting super power was tailor made to the person. That would make sense in that Black Canary's codename was "Canary" before she knew she could scream people's brains out. I think her codename was Canary because she was always the first one in a room to smell a fart.

The idea that Team 7 was working in experimental Meta-Gene splicing techniques probably also explains why they were big into cloning the children of active members and/or interns! I don't know. It seemed to make sense when I thought it.

Then again, I don't think my commentaries on Team 7 are a very accurate portrayal of this comic book and what it's doing because I tend to sleep through most of it.

And then something touches Amanda like the fluttering of a moth's wings. Except this moth was the size of Tokyo and the wings fluttered with the impact of a 20 megaton missile.

I have no idea what a megaton is. It sounds like either a lot of tons, or one really super amazing ton that all the really popular and cute chicks have a crush on.

So here comes this tidal wave and it's crashing into buildings and breaking everything and turning over cars and drowning the shit out of everybody and Team 7 grabs their guns and go, "Let's rock!" Or at least that's what I'm assuming they're going to do since the only plan they've worked on over the years is Shoot Lots of Bullets Until We Win plan.

But you did it to yourself! You created Majestic with Spartan! Didn't you? I'M SO FUCKING CONFUSED!

Kaizen Gamorra's palace was not swept away in the tidal wave so Team 7 actually might be able to use their guns to survive. Or at least survive until the building collapses on them and they all drown. John Lynch sends Steve Trevor, Deathstroke, Grifter, and Higgins to pick up the chopper and bring it back to save them all. Why is he sending the best muscle they have to get the helicopter?! Send Amanda Waller and Kurt Lance! They can't do shit! At least he's keeping Black Canary so she can scream at everything and cause the building to collapse even faster.

Commencing Stratagem "Shoot Lots of Bullets Until We Win"!

The plan doesn't work very well because it doesn't have enough holes in it. Unless that saying is different somehow. But I can't see how it is different since the entire point of the plan is to put a lot of holes in Kaizen Gamorra. The magic from Pandora's Box easily deflects the bullets and leaves Team 7 in the situation they always find themselves. You remember the one? The one where their guns don't help them and they have to resort to Plan B: Twiddle Our Thumbs Until Something Else Saves Us?

SAVED BY LOOOOOOOOVE!

Majestic returns from the ocean although I thought he was just going to nap down there for five or six years until he one day decided to come back as Jericho's puppet. I guess he's still got some work to do before his siesta.

Slade Wilson has a theory that John Lynch's monkeys have altered their genes so now none of them are really human. I want a comic book that stars John Lynch's Monkey Gene Manipulators! Is that too much to ask? I know DC is listening to the things I want. I'm like their perfect target audience! A person who thinks Aquaman would be a better super hero if he got a hobby and concentrated on that (but not writing! Because then he would be Grunion Guy and lawyers would have to get involved!) and The Goddamned Batman is Goddamned A-MAY-ZING. I'm also their target demographic because I hate everything that Scott Lobdell writes but I still buy it anyway. STOP DOING THAT, PEOPLE! I only do it because I'm the Jesus Christ of Comic Book Reading! I suffer so you don't have to!

Majestic returns to finish off the Kaizen and pick up Pandora's Box. Apparently the Box only falls for strong people because it's a shallow piece of shit that knows what it likes. So how can I fault it for being shallow if it's only doing what it truly wants to do? This is a conundrum of the sort not seen since that one that goes, "Can God make a rock so heavy that he can exist?"

Everybody tries to convince Majestic not to open Pandora's Skull but fuck them, they aren't all powerful! Majestic can do whatever he wants! Majestic don't give a fuck. He even punches Kurt right in the face, killing him.

No, wait. That can't be right. Kurt has to be alive so Dinah can kill him later. Plus he still needs to father a child with Amanda.

Why does Majestic call Kurt Black Canary's husband? When did they get married?! In his Narration Box retelling of the story, John Lynch has been calling her Dinah Drake. Maybe Majestic can see the future. Or he was making an elementary school joke about how much Black Canary must love Kurt for sticking up for him.

To keep Majestic from opening Pandora's Box (because they all truly believe that Pandora's Box is a real thing and that it somehow still has a bunch of shit in it even though Pandora already opened it and all that's left inside it is hope so who the fuck cares if Majestic opens it! Oh, maybe because Hope will escape and then mankind won't have any hope and everyone will kill themselves?), John Lynch remembers how they were saved by Love earlier against Kaizen. So they all hold hands and Black Canary sings, "All You Need Is Love", right into Majestic's face! It's too much for him to stand! It's also too much for anything to stand. The Palace is completely destroyed and Team 7 is left lying in the rubble with Pandora's Skull.

Majestic and Kurt have disappeared and John Lynch goes nuts, deciding it's his turn to get Pandora's Skull. But Waller kicks him in the face and knocks the Skull back in its Box and gives it to Dinah who take it aboard Trevor's helicopter where Trevor invents a place called The Black Room to keep it safe. And then Amanda Waller shoots John Lynch in the head and retires from secret government organizations forever.

And that's the end of Team 7 for now! Amanda and mortally wounded John Lynch (although he recovers at some point so maybe not so mortally wounded) are left stranded on the remnants of Gamorra. I bet Amanda eventually finds Kurt Lance and the begin the baby making process. I think that has to do with getting coffee or holding hands or something. Majestic probably remains napping under the ocean until Deathstroke #19. And the rest of Team 7 heads home. Maybe on the way, Grifter pushes Trevor out of the helicopter and he lands on Themyscira. And Dinah Drake decides to finally change her last name to Lance to honor her husband whose head she didn't blow off but she still thinks she killed. They weren't married for very long, poor kids.

Team 7 #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm throwing it a bone because it's done and it tells a piece of the origin of Pandora's Skull. At least the origin for how it ended up in A.R.G.U.S.'s Black Room.