The Salvaged Hawkman #19

Yay! This is the last of these stupid double wide covers that don't fit on my scanner!

Blockbuster is tearing Hawkman's wing off on the cover. Since Carter Hall doesn't walk around with wings, I suppose they're grown by the Nth Metal. So I suspect this is only a temporary setback for Hawkman and he'll have two wings again in no time.

My favorite ever moment with Blockbuster was when he was killed in Legends. Unless that was a different guy and a different comic book series.

Last issue, Shadow Thief stormed off in a huffy shadow and Emma pouted off in an ultimatum. It was the worst day of Hawkman's life when it comes to dealing with women. But now he's ready for a new day to dawn on the day's dawn! He's got a gig with Justice League of America and people are beginning to respect him. Sure, he's still being written by Tom DeFalco but what can you do? Some day, I'll get over being a gigantic prick to these writers and I'll only say nice things. Maybe that day is today! Instead of being mean, I'm just going to take that one stupid person's advice: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say shitty things instead." I think Jesus said that. I'm sorry I called Jesus stupid. But you never know! It's not like The Bible printed his IQ or his standardized test results or anything.

So, Tom DeFalco! Are you ready for me to read your comic book and only say nice things? Shocking, isn't it? Any time I want to be mean, I'll just say, "_______________!"

Man, I hope this entire commentary doesn't just end up being one long underscore.

Tom DeFalco opens the comic book with a simile.

"__________________!"

Hawkman is already battling Blockbuster when the comic book begins. And Blockbuster is apparently the most powerful fucking man in the universe ever because he crushes Hawkman's Nth Metal Mace with his bare hand! I had no idea Blockbuster had such amazing power levels! He's amazing! Too bad Hawkman is inextricably drawn to this battle like a sharpened knife to an exposed throat or else he'd be able to flee like a polished spoon from a terrified narwhal.

But then Tom DeFalco decides that this is too much action for the reader to handle right off the bat, so he takes us back in time 24 hours to find out how Hawkman pissed off Blockbuster. It probably has something to do with Catwoman since Blockbuster captured Catwoman at the end of Justice League of America #3. Unless it has something to do with Emma. Or Shadow Thief. Or Hawkman's mom. I'm just throwing out any old woman now! That's not as misogynistic as it sounds!

So before Hawkman got his Nth Metal crushed by Blockbuster, he was flying around Manhattan thinking, "No way in hell I'm joining that stupid ass Justice League of America with those knob flobbers Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor!" "Knob Flobber" is a Thanagarian insult meaning a person who flobs knobs.

"Or I have to wash my hair. Or volunteer at the animal shelter. Or get my wing ripped off by Blockbuster."

Who thinks "J.L. of A."? I know it's Justice League of America but everyone just thinks of it as the JLA! Who is this guy? Some kind of alien that doesn't know the standard convention for shortening The Justice League of America? I guess I should forgive him for that. I'm still not sure if it's Batman or The Batman!

Oh wait! It's The Goddamned Batman! Whew. I knew I knew that one!

The next morning, Carter and Emma take Emma's father to Rest Haven where they meet that other guy that was strapped down and costing medical science a lot of money. Tom DeFalco seems to think that people with Alzheimer's and other memory problems simply say "ahhh" after every three or four normal words. He probably learned that from his great research he's done on the disease. I hope they find a cure for Alzheimer's Disease soon. It's just so depressing to watch great minds descend into a constant state of inserting "ahhh" into every sentence. So sad.

Emma's father isn't too lost in his dementia to remember his doctor's name and to seek him out on his own while Emma and Carter remain outside with the other looney tunes patient.

Why does he throw the posable artist model into the trash? Is that a metaphor for tossing out all past medical knowledge in favor of bullshit and mumbo-jumbo?

Emma's father decides to stay overnight with the Nazi Dr. Phayne. Also there is an old covered well on Rest Haven's property that might become important later because it was drawn in the foreground of a long shot. Maybe that's just me being overly influence by Ringu.

After dumping off the old man at Rest Haven, Carter and Emma go home to Carter's apartment so he can thought bubble "JLA" correctly and then have a relationship talk with her. Dump her, Carter! Dump her now!

Or take a dump on her. Whatever. I'm not here to judge.

But before Carter can tell Emma that he chooses the half of the ultimatum that gives him his freedom, Emma's dad calls and interrupts. He may have Alzheimer's but he knows a screwy place when he checks himself into one and spends a number of hours there listening to the other patient scream his head off. While he's on the phone, he stumbles into Dr. Phayne's lab where he's treating Mark, the young man that says "ahhh" all of the time.

This is what happens when you let people with dementia have free reign to stumble around your hospital. Well, this and little cups of ketchup for dipping Doritos in stashed under all the beds.

Because they heard a "SKRASHH" and a "PWA-DA-QWOOOM" over the phone, Carter detects that something is wrong! He transforms into Hawkman and flies off to Rest Haven! Of course he has to take Emma with him. Again.

When Hawkman arrives at Rest Haven, he finds Professor Ziegler, Emma's dad, transformed into Blockbuster! Or a Blockbuster like-a-look, anyway. I guess it doesn't really matter. Apparently a lot of people can be Blockbuster! They just have to stumble into the right Alzheimer's Experimental Treatment Lab and smash everything in sight. That's because the experimental treatment used Steroids. And everybody knows that Steroids makes you super muscular if you shower in them. Perhaps lightning struck at the same time. That's a reasonable explanation for the transformation.

Except Mark is the one that really turned into Blockbuster! He's about ten times bigger than Emma's dad and Emma's dad has probably already forgotten that he was a raging lunatic monster and gone to lie down. But now Mark...ahhh...is attacking Hawkman who...ahhh...has been drawn to this...ahhh...battle like a frigid fork...ahhh...to an overheated casserole.

During the battle, Emma accidentally gets knocked out by her father and Hawkman gets one wing ripped off. Now he matches my Super Powers Hawkman Action Figure from the 80s which lost a wing when I drove The Batmobile off the back porch with Hawkman riding shotgun! I was just ahead of my time!

But then the real battle begins: Blockbuster versus Blockbuster!

How does the real Blockbuster fit in to all of this?

And then the covered well comes into play as Hawkman is tossed to the bottom of it! Score: Master Comic Book Reader: 1016. DC Comics: 24. And that's being charitable!

The Salvaged Hawkman #19 Rating: No change. "____________________________!"