Batgirl #20

Thanks a lot, Gail and Daniel. Now people are going to cosplay this Ventriloquist and I'm going to continuously be running and screaming through every convention I go to.

Let me guess: Alysia is going to play Hitori Kakurenbo and unleash this horror on Gotham? That would actually be a pretty good origin story for a horrible supernatural villain.

Also, Batgirl no longer has a diary because I was tired of writing Batgirl's diary. Sure, it was easier than actually commenting on the quality of the story. But I let it go for at least five issues longer than I wanted to. I should just start up my own diary.

Dear Diary,

Today I ate a whole box of Oreos. There was little time for anything else. Talk to you tomorrow!

Love,
Tess Ate Chai Tea

The issue begins nine years ago in the creepiest part of Gotham: the suburbs.

Happy Byrthday? Is there some kind of discriminatory association with having an "I" in "birthday"?! Was it too egocentric with the "I"?

Here we see kids being assholes.

And here we see what happens when you allow your kid to be an asshole. It's called comeuppance! And it's just kids being kids, right, all those who excuse bullying?

Here's the problem with bullying: bullying is all about power. So kids tend to exert the little power they have over kids with even less power. Eventually, a kid with less power will find a way to get that power back. Sometimes it's suicide. Sometimes it's murder. Most of the time, you lucky bullies, it's simply throwing some wild punches and kicks and standing up to the people making your life miserable. But eventually something is going to snap. And when it snaps and blood flows, everybody needs to realize that the victim was not the cause of the violence. The problem can't be fixed by telling kids with no power to buck up and try to get along. I think every school needs to hire a Slapper. This is a person who just goes around slapping kids really hard in the face whenever they treat other kids like dicks. I'm pretty sure that will cure the problem!

Sure, sure. We'll occasionally lose a Slapper here or there to retaliatory gun violence but at least they'd be adults assuming the risk by signing very explicit contracts that remove the liability of their deaths from all parties involved!

If you disagree with me, I am so going to give you a chocolate swirlie and an atomic wedgie.

Shauna eventually gets picked up by her parents after all the other girls get super mysteriously sick. Also, she winds up with Ferdie the Puppet. It has some tomato juice on its face so Rainbow Rodney probably didn't want it any more because it was ruined. She seems like a really sweet girl!

Back in the present, Barbara Gordon rushes to her psychologist because she's having an attack of hysteria from her ovaries. She's all, "I can't be that person I can't tell you about anymore!" And the psychologist is all, "I'm billing you triple time for this unscheduled visit." And Barbara sobs, "I'm an evil cow!" It's all very dramatic.

I don't know how seeing a psychologist can help Barbara with her Batgirl problems when she can only speak in innuendo and half-truths. She should just stick to talking about life out of her wheelchair and how hard that transition has been. Batman should let her use Alfred for her superhero psychological tune-ups. I'm pretty sure he has a tea that can calm her down. Also, Alfred would be very sympathetic to Barbara about her killing a big fat jerky asshole. Alfred gives no fucks about killing people who deserve it. That's Batman's trip!

Upset about the fight she had with her brother, Batgirl hits the night looking to smash something.

Meanwhile, Shauna, dressed in her finest raggedy slip, and her cock-gobbling puppet Ferdie were busy trying to become Gotham Stars!

Hmm. I just assumed the puppet was gay.

The judges decide Shauna is the horrible at her ventriloquism and try to kick her off the stage. But Ferdie decides he should murder one of the judges before leaving. So, you know, that's what he does. And he kidnaps the judge he's got a puppet sized erection for. I guess I could have made a wood joke there but that joke is older than the joke where you say something is older than something.

I really hope this puppet isn't anatomically correct.

Batgirl is outside and guesses something isn't quite right. That puppet probably shouldn't be strangling that lady! So after thinking about how she has a date tomorrow night with one-legged Rick the car thief, she sneaks on after The Ventriloquist.

Batgirl confronts The Ventriloquist and quickly discovers that she has more talents than making puppets talk. Wait. Is that really a talent? I talk to shit all the time! Cupcakes. Cats. Computer games. And yes, I make them talk back! Since I usually do it alone, I don't care if my lips move or not. I guess that must be the secret to people somehow being amazed that you're having a conversation with an inanimate object. The Ventriloquist's other power seems to be some form of telekinesis. She freezes Batgirl's batarang in midair and returns it to Batgirl's skull. And then the scariest moment of Barbara's life happens.

Fuck this puppet shit. I'm out.

So then the comic book ends somehow. Does somebody want to read it to me?

Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener: "I'll read it to you!"
Me: "Are you sure you won't be too frightened, Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener?"
Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener: "Not with my friends Reach Mint Waxed Floss and Mr. Holy Bible at my side! We can be brave!"
Me: "Well, I'd sure appreciate that!"
Empty Sake Cup: "*hic* I's gots then read da finaltemate pagagiman, 'kay?"
Me: "Um. Hunh? Why don't we just take a little trip to the sink, hunh, Mr. Cup?"
Empty Sake Cup: "Florgiglmkl!"
Me: "Um, I'll be right back."
The Holy Bible: "As-salam alaykum!"

As read to me by Miss Rabbit Pencil Sharpener:

"Okay, are you ready? Because the next part is really scary! The little puppet almost puts its big, fat drill right in Batgirl's eye! Mmm. It's terribly sexy. I've got the perfect size hole for that drill! Hee hee hee. Hey, can we take a break while you sharpen a pencil in me? It's been a long time since you've put your pencil in me. Come on! Fill me with your wood shavings! Shove your pencil in my hole! Turn my crank! Make it a number two, if you have one!"

Umm. I think I'll read the comic on my own now.

Oh, now that's just inappropriate! Especially since I think I already maxed out my comfortable amount of misogynistic remarks that I can still hand wave away as just being silly!

Knightfall's security arrives since the fight is happening in Knightfall's parking garage. The Ventriloquist uses her most secret special power to make the judge say that Batgirl was the kidnapper. As the good guys fight amongst themselves, The Ventriloquist and Ferdie make their escape. And that's where Barbara ends her story to the psychologist. Although the story she was telling the psychologist probably didn't mention the devil puppet and the leather costume and the flying kicks and the puppet drills.

Barbara Gordon suddenly remembers that she never forgets anything! She saw all the license plates in the parking garage and realizes one of them must be owned by the puppet. She'll track that little bastard down yet! Although I suppose she could also hit the streets and ask if anybody has seen a horrible little devil puppet with drills in the palms of its hands. That seems like something people should remember.

But Batgirl might not have to rely on her own smarts anyway! Because the puppet wants a piece of her! And I don't mean that in a sexual way. I don't think. I think he means it in a murdery way.

Yep, yep. Definitely a murdery way.

And finally, Commissioner Gordon is on the hunt for Batgirl's head. Which means there was no Alysia. Stupid comic book.

Batgirl #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This Batgirl villain mirrors Batgirl because she has never really fit in. She was odd and ostracized and was determined that justice should win out. Of course, Barbara's version of justice she learned from her father. And that was the law kind. Until Batman undermined her sense of justice and taught her that justice wasn't about the law at all! Shauna's sense of justice was simply making people who did mean things feel bad. And by feel bad, I mean dead. So her version of justice (except for the dead part) is pretty close to Batman's version of justice where he really likes to make people hurt a lot and pay lots of money in medical bills. I think Barbara's sense of justice is more in the middle of her father's and Batman's. It's more compassionate due to her sense of compassion which I think originates inside of her uterus.