Tuesday, May 28, 2013

The Fury of Firestorm #20

Hopefully Firestorm is going to throw them in a room until they learn to love each other. And then learn to kiss each other. And then learn to fuck each other.

I think Firestorm died last issue. Along with Ronnie's mom and Typhoon and Black Bison and Killer Frost and Multiplex. Plastique blew the crap out of everyone because she's psychotic and I have a feeling if any of the Bureaucratic Bureau of Assassins survived the explosion, they'll think twice about hiring anybody with such a chaotic super power. When hiring for a super villain society, your first concern should be avoiding super powers with a high percentage of friendly fire. I would just go by name. Plastique? No. Tuberculosis? Nope. Shitstorm? Fuck no.

I guess Firestorm didn't die since Tonya and Jason's father are dragging him into an alley on the first page and he's moaning in pain. Also, Jason's disembodied head is floating around trying to talk with them.

I hate Jason's disembodied head! He's supposed to be part of Ronnie's consciousness. If Ronnie's knocked out, Jason should be able to take over Ronnie's body. Otherwise, he should be knocked out with Ronnie. But he shouldn't be a floating head observing what's going on around Firestorm!

When Ronnie and Jason merge to create Firestorm, Ronnie's body becomes the vehicle in which Firestorm manifests. But if Dan Jurgens is going to write Jason's head as if it's floating around observing like it is, just run with it! Firestorm could use Jason's head to phase through walls and scout out the area. Jason's head can always look behind Firestorm so that nobody can ever sneak up on them. I'm just not sure Dan Jurgens gives a shit.

Editor Mike Cotton: "Hey Dan? Why is Jason's head noticing Hyena when Firestorm is clearly unconscious on the ground with his eyes closed?
Dan Jurgens: "Fuck, dude! It's a fucking comic book, right? Who fucking cares how anything is explained?! It's a FUCK. ING. COM. IC. BOOK!"
Editor Mike Cotton: "Fine. Whatever. I guess nobody is reading this shit anymore anyway."
Dan Jurgens: "Exactly! Now do you want to snort this line off this prostitute's ass? Cause if not, I'm going again."

General Eiling's secret hero finally arrives to buy some time so that Firestorm can clear his head.

Why does Major Force look nearly identical to that idiot Black Jack that was killed in Voodoo?

Major Force must be a tough, no-nonsense type that probably likes to yell a lot. I'm stereotyping simply because he's a military guy and he's chewing on a cigar. Really? Going into combat with a cigar in your mouth? I hope he chokes on it.

This guy really, really looks like Black Jack! Like identical twin! Same costume and cigar and everything! Perhaps he went up in rank from "Black" to "Major" so he figured a name change was called for. Also, he might have decided he needed a new name after the whole decapitation fiasco. Perhaps whatever the Black Razors injected into the poor sap that became Black Jack simply turns any soldier it's used on into a cigar smoking, black skinned, white haired asshole. Then they slap on the same old costume and give him a new name.

Killer Frost, Black Bison, and Multiplex all show up and begin attacking Major Jack Force. Firestorm heads off to rescue his mom who is still being held captive by Plastique.

Let me get this straight. Plastique blew the shit out of everyone with such spectacular force that Firestorm flew three blocks. But everybody that was within a few feet of Firestorm when this happened didn't get one scratch or burn or blown out eardrum? I guess I have to begin making up my own fanboy logic. I suppose Black Bison cast a spell that protected everyone whose head was not on fire.

Meanwhile in General Eiling's secret headquarters, Superman arrives! But he's not even the most surprising guest of the night!

"Oh my god! Martin Stein! Can you please explain all that shit with Scorn and Wrath and Fury and Pissed?"

With he help of Jason's dad, Firestorm rescues Ronnie's mom and defeats Plastique and Typhoon. Once Firestorm sends the civilians off to safety, he heads back to defeat Black Bison, Killer Frost, and Multiplex with the help of Major Jack Force. Black Bison is knocked unconscious and Killer Frost is trapped in cement but Multiplex gets away. And then Major Jack Force and Firestorm leave the bad guys lying about the street as they head home in conversation.

Oh, okay. I guess the military should be able to keep these guys in custody. Just like they kept Relay, Black Star, and Skull Crusher from escaping immediately, right?

Major Jack Force tricks Firestorm into shutting down his neural something or others which causes Jason's disembodied head to suddenly become teeny, tiny Jason hanging out on the inside of Ronnie's head.

I told you Jurgens doesn't give a fuck.

Major Jack Force brings Firestorm back to Eiling's headquarters where he encounters Superman. He blows smoke in Superman's face and pays the price. No, Superman doesn't cut his head off. He just flicks him through a six foot thick metal wall. I should try that! The next time somebody lights up in front of me while walking down the sidewalk and nonchalantly begins blowing smoke over their shoulders and into my face, I'm going to flick them so fucking hard! And they'll go, "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" And I'll say, "Superman supports me! You're like that asshole Major Jack Force! Ha ha! Loser! I hope you get your head cut off!" And then I'll have to explain it all to the police later. But it'll be worth it and they'll understand once they see I was merely emulating Superman!

Martin Stein says he's been monitoring Firestorm's progress from afar. So he's been watching the world teeter on the brink of destruction for nearly a year and he doesn't do shit about it? But when Firestorm is about to be kidnapped by the American Miliatry, that's when he goes to the Justice League for help? Martin Stein is a communist pinko socialist commie Marxist liberal communist commie! Martin Stein doesn't explain anything else because this comic book is nearly over and it's been cancelled. So everyone will have to wait for his bullshit lies another time. I have a feeling he was sampling sex slaves in Bangladesh for the last six months, the disgusting communist communist! Pinko Tuscadero! Liberalache! Marky Marxist!

Superman invites Firestorm to join the Justice League and they fly off into the sunset with Firestorm finally asking the most important fucking question!

Also be sure to get a per diem!

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #20 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now it didn't deal with Jason and Ronnie's romantic relationship but that's okay. More so than the other issues, Firestorm did decently in battle. Plus he asked the only question that matters when being asked to join the Justice League. But this final issue did raise some new questions that everyone will have to wait to have answered. The questions will probably be forgotten for twenty years until a current twelve year old fan of DC winds up writing for DC in 2033 and uses Major Force in a comic book where he begins having flashes of having his head cut off and realizing that the U.S. Military has been using his brain over and over again in different bodies while giving him new super hero names although forcing him to remain in the same outfit. Also there might be some stuff about Martin Stein that people are curious about.

This comic book began as one of the few comic books to really go for a different direction with Firestorm after the Reboot. So it's odd to find that Firestorm has basically ended up pretty much the way he was. Professor Stein is back. All of the "Nuclear Men" of the title are gone. Fury and Scorn and Wrath and whatnot have not made an appearance in many months and have not really been explains. It's all just back to Firestorm and the two men that merge so he can live. And Martin Stein is in there somewhere, providing hand jobs or something.

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