I, Vampire #19

Too bad Tig's body was used to bring Lilith back since Andrea Sorrentino is back in the credits! I could have had my adorable Tig back!

Armageddon was coming to the House of Mystery but since Constantine has the ability to move the House to whatever imaginary place he likes, Armageddon was at least going to be localized. This Armageddon was due to the fact that Satan got his chocolate in God's peanut butter. And yes, that was a sexual innuendo.

Speaking of sexual innuendo, I checked out Google Ads to see about adding them to this site and was declined because I have adult content. And by adult content, I mean I speak like a fucking adult without a crucifix up his Goddamned cunt. Hey Google? Guess who buys things? Adults, you stupid motherfuckers. When are we, as civilized people, going to stop judging words because our ancestors judged words? You don't have to protect children from bad words if you just up and decide that no words are bad. It's that fucking easy, people! And guess what would happen? The word "fuck" would probably drop in popularity. I'd probably replace it with "cramp". "I am so cramping upset, you mothercramping cramper!" Plus we'd automatically drop a whole slew of hangups that people wind up carting around their entire adult lives. Remember people: removing the negative stigma of words is not a slippery slope to worldwide genocide!

Unless it is! But I don't see how it would be since the people being slaughtered would probably be saying "fuck" and "shit" and "Goddamm it!" a whole lot more than the people doing the killing.

Also, for people that might think, "If we take away the negative connotation of swear words, what's next?", I say, "Why not everything?" We have a lot of taboos that don't have any reason to be taboos except for traditional and religious reasons. Most taboos are the hard candy in the bowl on our grandparents' table. Nobody eats them but nobody throws the useless things away either. It's time to throw out the big clump of humidity-welded hard candies and get on with being an adult civilization, people!

And now that I've told you all to be adults, it's time to get back to my comic book. Actually I should be getting around to making a very important phone call for my business but who wants to deal with that bullshit? I want to read about vampires.

Allow me to allow Mary to explain, in a very entertaining way, what's been going on:

So much to love here. I really like the dig at Andrew's ex-girlfriend and the callback to Cain's connection to The House of Mystery.

Sorrentino's art is used for the scenes flashing back to when Andrew first returned to Mary as a monster. So even if Tig were still Tig, she still wouldn't have benefited by Sorrentino's return to finish this book.

Just a moment as I imagine this is me and Tig.

Back in the present with the other artist, Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr has decided to end Cain's reign of terror once and for all. Naked and pissed, she shall wreak fiery vengeance! That was not a sexual innuendo although I'm a bit curious as to how it might turn out if it was. She believes she will win because she's finally good and the only reason she never won before was because she was evil. Oh yeah? Perhaps the reason you never won, oh so great Bloody Mary, is that you were incompetent?

What actually ends up happening, as it always does, is that the two women (Lilith and Mary) begin fighting while practically naked and the two men (Andrew and Cain) also begin fighting while practically naked. It's the same old story since time immemorial. And every time, a bunch of people stood off to the side masturbating.

So in between reading pages of I, Vampire, I made my business call to speak with Steve. I spoke with Steve's secretary who said Steve would call me back. Eventually Steve called me back and then said he'd have to call me back after he spoke to his boss, Don. Conclusion? The unemployment rate isn't high enough! Apparently "Job Creation" is every time somebody at a place of employment thinks, "I don't ever want to fucking do that again."

While Cain and Andrew are fighting, Debbie Dancer comes up from behind Cain and chops his head off. I knew God marking Cain's forehead had a huge flaw in it! It's one of the first questions I asked when reading about Cain in The Bible! What if someone approaches him from behind to murder him? They can't see he's been Cursed/Blessed by God! Well, it doesn't work anyway.

Although now Debbie Dancer is cursed sevenfold.

If, in reality, this fight wouldn't be so terrifying what with the legions of Hell and the Wrath of God and the vampires and the green demon women and the decapitations, I'm pretty sure I'd be one of those bystanders masturbating to it.

Never you mind which couple I'd be watching.

Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr suggests that Andrew take Cain into the heart of the House of Mystery since it was built to be his prison. Andrew grabs Cain and propels him up through the ceiling to find that the House of Mystery has a far scarier Juris than the House of Secrets ever had.

And make him tell stories too!

Now that Cain has finally been punished to the backwaters of the DCnU and, perhaps in time, his own anthology series, Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr simply has to defeat Lilith and everything will be right with the world. Oh, and they might have to deal with that portal linking Heaven to Hell.

The Vampire Fighting Scooby Doo gang actually decide to do things topsy-turvy and close the portal first. And by Scooby Doo, I mean Mishkin. It seems once his master changed back into a good-two shoes vampire, Mishkin turned into a goody-two shoes vampire dog. Because dogs always do what their masters say. It's not in a dog to judge morality! Rolling over? Playing dead? Sicking balls? It's all the same to him if his master's voice commands it! So Mishkin knocks the Van Helsing's Accountant into the portal which closes it because it can only be closed by consuming the flesh of the person that opened it. I'd say that calls for a Mishkin Snack*.

*A small cow or human child. Unless Mishkin is no longer a Vampire Dog in which case it is an average sized postal worker.

Once the portal closes, Lilith loses her connection to the Material Plane and explodes out of Tig's mouth and eyes. Meaning that everything is once again right with the world.

Although my real crush was on Vampire Tig and I think she may have been cured of her beautifully sexy ailment.

According to the next page, Mishkin is definitely still a vampire dog. And Tig is still a sweet vampire lass. The only trouble is that she's partnering up with the stupid Magic-user Vampire that she turned outside Club Warlock. The Magic Vampire and Tig escape before they can be killed by Andrew Bennett's new Vampire Hunting Scooby Doo gang featureing Andrew as Freddy, Deborah Dancer as Velma, Virgin Non-bloody Mary as Daphne, and Mishkin as Scooby Doo. I guess Professor John would have been Shaggy if they hadn't killed him. That's okay. I'm sure Shaggy probably died of a heroin overdose in the back of the Mystery Machine at some point anyway.

It's too bad the Daphne part of the team has to rush off to the afterlife so soon.

Ugh. Adult content. I hope no advertisers are watching!

So apparently the Vampire Scooby Gang is a little short on members. But that won't stop them from hunting down Tig and the magic guy whose name I can't fucking remember. But that's another story. And this story ends with Andrew remembering how it wasn't he and his vampiric bite that turned Mary into the Bloody monster she became. It was when he disappeared and she was left alone with Andrew's father who raped her repeatedly. It wasn't Andrew that made Mary a monster. It was his father. And Mary's first act of bloody vengeance happened while she was still human, mere minutes before she became a vampire.

Would it be inappropriate for me to say that Joshua Hale Fialkov killed it on this final issue? Magnificent ending.

I, Vampire #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. This comic book gets bonus rankings for having a near perfect ending and for bringing Tig back so that she can have her own New 52 series in the future. Drawn by Andrea Sorrentino, of course! It's too bad that one of the best books in the New 52 was cancelled but they ended it really well. So here's to future issues of I, Vampire whenever DC decides to give it another go.