Justice League Dark #19

Both halves of this cover make no sense! Why is The Flash hanging out with Constantine? Why did The Swamp Thing become a house?! What kid wouldn't want to drop a dime on this story at his local drugstore?

Last issue, Faerie was saved from destruction by The Hunter Family and Justice League Dark. Mostly by the Hunter Family. What happened after that, I don't know. I guess the science people and the irrational nutso-wacko magic people suddenly began getting along? Did the science people stop condescending to and patronizing the mystic yahoos? Did the magic people stop feeling superior because they could turn lead into gold while the scientists staunchly proclaimed it impossible? I have a feeling war isn't going anywhere over there in Epoch City and Faerie.

But that world doesn't matter anymore. It's not even an important world since it isn't labeled with a 1-51 (or a Prime!). I guess Faerie is one of those unique dimensions like Gemworld and the Apokolips dimension. Back on Earth, let's see what horrible, dangerous, and taboo magic Constantine is up to!

Oh. He's using his magic to convince everyone that he's not smoking. I wonder what the fucking backlash is going to be for that? Diarrhea?

Instead of his winnings, the cashier hands Constantine a note that says, "The Cold Flame burns" and then the entire race track blows up. That magic backlash seems a little bit harsh simply for convincing people you're not smoking when you actually are. I guess Constantine was telling the truth in his first solo issue. Magic is dangerous.

Meanwhile at ARGUS, Steve Trevor is trying to recruit Deadman to spy on Justice League Dark for him. In return, he'll hire Deadman to be a member of the Justice League of America. Well that sounds like a shitty deal. That comic book can't even come out on time. Besides, Deadman can be a member of the Justice League of America whenever he wants by simply possessing Hawkman or Vibe or Catwoman. Before Deadman can agree, he feels a disturbance in the force and flies off, leaving the person he had been in possession of to come back to his senses. The poor guy will probably be immediately thrown in the ARGUS dungeon to prevent security leaks, his only crime enjoying a delicious triple cheeseburger.

Deadman meets up with Frankenstein and that useless biddy Madame Xanadu when John bursts in with the big news!

If only The Batman had such charisma.

How did John already lose the House of Mystery? He just had it over in I, Vampire not two comic books ago! He really should be more careful where he parks the fucking thing. I wonder how he finds parking for a gigantic Victorian house? Unless it's Edwardian. Or Ranch-style? I wish The House of Mystery looked like The Brady Bunch's house.

And then John asks Madame Xanadu the question I keep fucking asking the unhelpful old twat:

I could be a member of Justice League Dark since I also have the power to constantly say, "I knew that was going to happen."

To find the House of Mystery, Constantine summons The Swamp Thing because The Swamp Thing is super good at finding wood. I wonder if Frankenstein gets territorial when The Swamp Thing shows up. Two gigantic green creatures on one team? That's a bit of overkill. But at least Swamp Thing is happy to see another green brother.

Why do any of these people hang out with each other? Call me selfish but even if it meant saving the world, I couldn't be bothered to hang around with people I can't stand. And since you just called me selfish, you're one of those people. Jerko.

As the Swamp Thing gets a grip on The House of Mystery's wood, he suddenly begins screaming. It was a glory hole with a meat grinder on the other end! In other words, a trap! And guess who knew this was going to happen? Yeah, that fucking cunt Madame Xanadu. No wonder Etrigan would rather sleep for six hundred years underneath the London soil than continue dating her. He probably got sick of stubbing his toe with Xanadu immediately following that up with, "Yep, just like I foresaw!" Or that time he touched his demon wiener after chopping jalapenos and she just snickered and said, "I knew you were going to do that." What an annoying asshole. I'm so sick of her.

Now I want to go read a bunch of Madame Xanadu comic books and see if she's ever done anything to help anybody ever! If I find any on Free Comic Book Day, I'll pick 'em up.

Xanadu finally begins coaching Frankenstein through the fight although she's very cryptic about it. It's like she's trying her best not to actually help anybody. But she's doing just enough so that she can pretend she was helping after the fight is over. It looks like The House of Mystery has somehow leaked out into the city. Or else the House has somehow encased the city or the world. Can it do that? Can the House get that big?

Each member of Justice League Dark end up in their own nightmare just like when they were in the House and going from room to room. Because once again, The House of Mystery only seems to house mysteries that have some kind of horrific component to them. Nobody in the House is simply wondering who left the turd in the middle of the living room or who drank all the milk but still put the carton back into the fridge. No, these mysteries are vile and scary and creepy and super, duper dangerous.

Constantine hacks up a blood spatter that grows into a life-size replica of himself that's calling for a sacrifice. Deadman ends up hanging out with The Cannibal Carnival. That's not so bad, really. It's not like they can eat a ghost. Madame Xanadu ends up in a cemetery where all of her past loves from across the centuries are rising from their graves to punish her for being the worst lover ever. I'm not implying she can't fuck well. I'm sure she's great at that. I just think dating somebody that's constantly saying, "I could have told you so!", is probably very close to the worst thing in the world. Okay, the second worst thing after the Cannibal Carnival.

Frankenstein ends up in the sewers in a production of Oedipus.

The Flash appears to keep Baby Frankenstein from fucking his mother and killing his father. But he also appears to stop the Father from saving the Mother and killing the Baby. He's a gigantic racist and simply sees these monsters as causing trouble. Hey, The Flash? You really want to help this city going crazy? How about getting your ass out of the sewers where these three aren't really causing any harm and get up in the streets where all of the innocent civilians are getting their faces chewed off by Old Clocks or having their insides pulled out by Hidden Staircases or having their babies murdered by Bungalows or losing their minds at the Lilac Inn or discovering the Secret of Shadow Ranch or any of the other crazy nightmare mysteries plaguing the city.

Meanwhile The House of Mystery is sitting on the top of a building on Fifth Avenue overlooking the chaos in New York. I wonder if it's jealous that Trigon is destroying part of the city and trying to steal its thunder? Actually, it's not The House of Mystery that is reveling in the chaos. It's the person that stole it from Constantine in the first place:

Really, Dr. Destiny? There's a War coming? I wonder if Madame Xanadu knew about this?

Justice League Dark #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Now I know why The Flash didn't make an appearance in Justice League #19! He was busy fucking around with the Frankenstein Family in the sewers of New York City. Dr. Destiny mentions his Dreamstone so does that mean that The Sandman of The Endless hasn't recovered it yet? Or is this just his own homemade Materioptikon? Is this issue a prologue to The Trinity War?