Friday, May 10, 2013

Swamp Thing #20

Superman would do anything to guest star his way out of his own book.

I wonder if Scott Lobdell is just tired of writing comic books. Maybe somebody just needs to give him an uplifting pep talk to get him back on track! I've been assured by a number of people that they enjoyed Scott Lobdell back when he was writing Young X-Men or whatever it was called. But then most of those people were twelve year old boys when they were reading those comic books and I'm pretty sure I read and enjoyed a lot of poorly written crap when I was twelve as well. So I don't particularly trust those accounts. I wonder if Scott Lobdell's Hardy Boys Mysteries are any good? I should give those a try!

Why do I always end up talking about Scott Lobdell? I think I must have a crush on him.

This issue begins inside Swamp Thing's dreamscape. He must be dreaming while passed out on The Scarecrow's Nasty Gas. Which means the dream should quickly become a nightmare. I know this because I'm super smart and I've sussed out The Scarecrow's modus operandi!

It's Tefé's first appearance in The New 52! And probably her last! Hi Tefé!

Tefé heads out to pick flowers when she runs into the Swamp Thing. She holds his hand and she's quickly engulfed in his plant matter and killed. Alec sees what happens and runs out to cradle his dead child.

I wonder when this dream is going to become a nightmare. I know it will be soon!

Meanwhile in the nondreamscape which I'm going to dub "Awakescape", Metropolis is covered in vegetation. All over the city, people are becoming food for gigantic Venus Fly Traps and probably other plants that eat meat. I think one is the Rotting Corpse Flower that Swamp Thing mentioned last issue. Another one is the Kite-Eating Tree from Peanuts. I'm pretty sure it wasn't just kites that it was gorging on.

I wonder if Clark Kent ever sneezes and winds up giving Lois frostbite?

The fire captain acts like a gigantic jerk but I guess you can't blame him. Most of the shit happening to Metropolis in the Superman comic book would never have happened if Superman wasn't there. I hate that kind of bullshit writing. Bring the action and the plot to Superman because it's easy. But it also means Superman should fucking get out of a populated area because he's putting Metropolis in danger. I'm willing to bet 90% of comic book plots have villains specifically targeting the super heroes. And if that's the case, the world really would be better off without them. Get the fuck out, assholes!

I really wish this wasn't the case though. One of the reasons a lot of these heroes just don't resonate with me anymore is because they're not being portrayed as heroic. Saving your own ass isn't heroic; it's merely saving your own ass. Just because the person saving his own ass has super powers, I'm supposed to be excited? Fuck that. This is why, even though he's not my favorite, Batman is the best. He's off stopping people who are trying to screw with Gotham. Oh, except for that one small Joker incident that got everybody so pissed off. But besides that, he's helped save Gotham from the Court of Owls and The Mad Hatter and The Scarecrow and The Scarecrow and the Man-Bats. Oh, I guess he did bring Leviathan down on Gotham's head. Never mind. He sucks too.

Over in the Dreamscape, Alec Holland is lecturing the Swamp Thing and telling him he's a royal dickbag for choosing plants over a future family life. I'm not sure Holland had a lot of choice in the matter. He'd be dead now if he didn't choose to become the Avatar. And even as the Avatar, he was almost dead! But this is all a hallucination brought on by The Scarecrow's fear spray, so Swampy probably shouldn't take any of it too seriously.

Superman tracks Swamp Thing down in the Botanical Garden where The Scarecrow is trying not to be eaten by The Great Pumpkin. He tells Superman what happened as he jizzes in his pants over the fear of imminent death. Superman, not being Batman, decides he has to burn up Swamp Thing to save everybody else in the city. That makes sense. Batman is so determined to live by the letter of his ethical law that he'd let half of Gotham die before he killed one person to save them.

Oh! But Batman would have known that fire would have worked and not killed Swamp Thing. I'm sorry for doubting you, Batman!

Swamp Thing retracts all the plants and Metropolis can now spend the next six months fixing all the buildings and bridges and streets and sewers. Maybe The Flash will come rebuild everything for Metropolis. And then Swamp Thing asks Superman one question: how do you pretend to be human?

Superman simply tells Swampy that he connects to people. You have to make connections. You have to choose to be human. And then he flies away.

Yeah, that's easy for an alien that looks exactly like a human to say. Swampy's going to have a hard time using that advice. What a bastard.

Swamp Thing probably flips Superman off and then travels along the Green and back into Louisiana where he meets a woman that needs his help. I don't know who she is because I apparently haven't read enough comic books.

Swamp Thing #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. So far, I'm really liking this version of Swampy. And now he's going to go on an adventure!

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