Harley Quinn #17

This cover is a parody of a cover that hasn't been published yet. Which will basically make the We Are Robins cover the parody.

DC Comics' new West Coast offices must have been built on an ancient Indian time anomaly. How else do you explain Superman books with notes from the editor telling readers to reference books that haven't been published yet and this cover parodying a non-existent comic book (Yes, it exists now but it didn't the week this book came out)? The ancient Indian time anomaly is probably what gave DC Comics the idea for Convergence. The entire staff working in the building might actually think Crisis On Infinite Earths ended with the Anti-Monitor being defeated before he could destroy enough of the Infinite Earths so that you couldn't regard them as infinite any more (that would be an infinite amount, by the way, if you're bad at math). The ancient Indian time anomaly also caused DC to forget that they were drawing a line at $2.99 because over a third of their comics are now $3.99! Bastards! Although if that extra dollar added to the more popular characters' books helps subsidize less popular characters and weird series that wouldn't be attempted otherwise, I'm all for it. Also, since the subsidizing thing was my idea way back when, DC Comics should probably pay me a consultation fee.

This issue begins at 4 AM with a bunch of dumb pricks stealing garbage cans so that the owners will have to repurchase those garbage cans from the place the dumb pricks work. It's an idiotic scheme that can't be worth the trouble. How much profit does a store make on a garbage can? Is that a lucrative business? Too bad for these kids, they haven't learned the simplest lesson in crime: never hit the same mark on a regular basis. You see, in this day and age, people have access to all sorts of recording equipment. You may not be filmed committing your crime the first night because not everybody is paranoid. You might not get filmed committing the crime the second night because who thinks they're going to have their trash cans pilfered two weeks in a row? But that third night? You're going to be caught on film because you've begun a pattern. Although too bad for these kids, the person losing their garbage cans decided to pay for The Gang of Harleys instead of a web cam.

Shit. These kids would be better off in Gotham.

The Gang of Harleys earn a rooster for solving the case of the missing garbage cans. They also make some extra money salvaging the van the thieves used, stealing the money in the kids' wallets, probably selling the garbage cans, and possibly selling the organs of the murdered kid on the black market. Justice pays off in lots of little ways.

Harley goes to see the mayor and strikes up a deal which will allow her and her gang to commit murder for hire throughout the city.

Meanwhile in a scene foreshadowing future problems, Popeye eats some seaweed irradiated by an alien ship.

Harley and Mason finally have their date. It feels like Jimmy and Amanda are probably just writing about themselves here. But how would I know?! I don't know anything about them and I don't stalk them or obsess over their Wikipedia pages or anything. Harley Quinn somehow avoids making a beaver joke during dinner. Mason does not avoid being arrested for murder and jail breaking and what else ya gotting.

There's the beaver joke! It's also a masturbation joke but it's tame enough for the kids. Just like the eye-popping and dismemberment earlier was also kid friendly. It's just like watching a Looney Tunes cartoon. Except with masturbation and beaver jokes.

Harley receives a delivery of parakeets which she sets free on the roof. I'm sure they'll be important later in much the same way that Popeye was going to be important later. Which he is! Because the Gang of Harleys get a job to track him down. Harlem and Harvey find him in the men's bathroom of a dive bar on the coast.

Duh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH!

Harley Quinn #17 Rating: No change. I can't wait until the Gang of Harley battle Baby Huey or Wile E. Coyote!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #18

Wonder Woman's sideburns are sexy.

The issue begins with Superman passed out in bed while Wonder Woman dotes on him. Somehow during the sex, his Superman shirt wound up on her because they did it wrong. That's not how you have sex, Superman! You're not supposed to trade clothing! You're supposed to take it all off and then orgasm prematurely at the thought of actually getting to touch a real, live naked lady! Then you fall asleep and the woman either curses or keeps her anger to herself, gets cold, puts on your shirt, and...oh! I guess Superman did do it correctly. Good job, Clark!

It's three in the morning and Clark's phone rings. Diana doesn't answer it but she notices it's a Smallville area code, so she wakes up Clark, hands him the phone, and bristles at the woman on the other end: fudgefudging fudger Lana fudging Lang. I bet Superman rushes off to help her which is okay, I guess, because Diana probably can't get any angrier than she is now. Blue balled, cold, lonely, ignored, and taken for granted! Why is she still dating this asshole? Especially since half the time, he's being written by Greg Pak. Gross!

Shadow boobs!

Wonder Woman offers to fly Superman to Smallville and on the way, Clark backseat drives the entire time. "Fly faster! You should have made a turn at that grove of trees! Watch out for the geese!" But Wonder Woman understands that she can't just fly a normal person at super speed without possibly damaging that person. Now if she had access to the Speed Force, I think Clark would be protected because Barry carries people around at super speed all the time and he doesn't arrive at their destination with armfuls of gore and viscera. But Superman doesn't care if he's hurt during the flight because he doesn't want to let Lana Lang down. She's in trouble and he wasn't able to save her parents and she never let him hear the end of it. So if she's hurt now, she'll berate him constantly. Although if he is hurt on the way, how is he going to help Lana? These are the kinds of foolish mistakes Superman has been making lately that have been getting him in a lot of trouble.

Wonder Woman doesn't go fast enough so Lana and Steel are gone by the time they get there. Abducted! That only leaves one course of action: put on a disguise and go ask around in town!

Look at that! Tomasi has a calm person rationally state why Clark has become a pariah. Now was that so hard?

The idea that Superman causes more harm by existing than by not existing is entirely the fault of unimaginative writers who have had their claws in him for so long. One of my biggest criticisms of super hero comic books is how often the hero is the cause of the attack by the super villains. Why even bother being the protector of Gotham if Gotham is destroyed by Joker Gas simply because the protector of Gotham lives there? What use is a secret identity to keep your loved ones safe if villains are just moving past the personal attachments to destroy the city where the hero lives? I suppose that's the problem with the use of recurring villains in comic booksl. You can't just ignore the past. Villains are going to be upset that their plans were foiled by the good guy. So they're eventually going to just go after the good guy to get him out of the picture so they can go back to their schemes in peace. I guess fans just like to see the conflicts so they don't care so much about motivation. But I think the lack of motivation in the villain causes this kind of messy bullshit which editors eventually think creates great drama and conflict. I should probably just start skipping bullshit story arcs like this.

One of the old guys in front of the barber shop has the old Kent mailbox. He said it fell out of the sky. So Clark and Diana head to the farm to find Clark's old house and barn and shed and chicken coop and driveway and fence and probably his dead pets buried around back gone. Somebody abducted not just Lana and John Henry but the Kent Farm as well. What a mystery!

While Clark and Diana look around, some mystery person watches them via satellite and begins initiating Protocol AC638. What happened in Action Comics #638? I think that's a clue! Etrigan was on the cover! But it was one of those 48 page books with multiple stories, so any one of them could hold the answer to Protocol AC638!

Superman heads over to the Kent Family Cemetery to find all of the bodies have also been stolen. While freaking the fuck out over that, he's attacked by the Suicide Squad. His life really has turned to shit, hasn't it?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm bored by this. Completely bored! Bored almost to annihilation! I'm beginning to cease to exist I've become so bored. Maybe I can force myself into a coma if I concentrate hard enough. If I manage it, will one of you promise to wake me up when this whole Superman Truth thing is over? I think that will be around September.

Batman Loves Superman #21

I don't get it. Is this symbolic of the way The Joker keeps coming between Batman and Superman's love?

DC Comics continues to break all of the Annual rules and I hate them for it. I enjoyed the days when Annuals were optional. But Batman Loves Superman Annual #2 ended with a depowered Superman stabbed in the kidney on a remote island in the part of the world where the island was. That means that anybody reading this series will finish issue #20 and then pick up issue #21 and say, "What the fuck?!" Luckily an Editor's Note will let them know their mistake in not having picked up the Annual. They'll curse and spit for awhile, consider going to the comic book store to get the Annual, say fuck it, and finally throw this issue in the garbage where it probably belongs. Then they'll express their anger on Twitter and Tumblr with lots of annoying hashtags mucking up the readability of their post which will make me curse and spit and throw my computer in the garbage where it probably belongs.

I'm not excited to be reading another comic book written by Greg Pak. I've come to the objective conclusion that he's an awful writer. I haven't done any double blind studies or anything but, come on! We all know how those would turn out without actually having to conduct them, right? A bunch of scientists will randomly hand out comic books without knowing who wrote them, a bunch of people will read them without knowing who wrote them, and all of the comics written by Greg Pak will wind up in the garbage where they probably belong. So why waste money when I can imagine the results that I expect and desire?

This issue begins like this so I guess the Annual was an imaginary tale?

Now I'm even angrier because this issue didn't begin in the way in which I thought it would make me angry! What happened to Superman on Doomsday Island?! How did he survive being stabbed in the kidney by Janice? Did he convalesce in Doctor Frank-N-Furter's mansion? Did he have sex with the Doctor? Did he do the Time Warp? Again?

Instead of bleeding to death on a remote island, Superman is powerless in Metropolis and battling more xenophobes. It's shocking how many people other than Lex Luthor have really hated Superman all this time but were afraid to say anything because he might punch them in their stupid mouths. I think I have more respect for Lex Luthor! He's apparently been of the majority opinion all this time but he's the only one brave enough to stand against Superman. But now that Superman has hardly any powers and his secret identity has been exposed, everybody is crawling out of Greg Pak's woodwork to kick his ass. I'm not sure how the knowing his secret identity helps everyone suddenly know who Superman is though. Clark Kent went about for years looking exactly like Superman but nobody noticed. But now that people have seen pictures of Clark Kent (who looks exactly like Superman), they now instantly recognize him on the street?

To be fair, Clark is wearing a Superman t-shirt now. But even before that in the Sneak Peek, his image was causing him trouble. Hell, he was being recognized while wearing sunglasses and a hoodie when he used to be able to hide behind simple glasses. I bet he was recognized more because he was still hanging out with Jimmy Olsen! Although why would anybody recognize Jimmy Olsen? He was a photographer for a local newspaper whose circulation was circling the drain.

I've never been kicked in the groin so hard that I heard it go "KRANCH." I think Superman may have done two serious injuries to this guy.

Oh! I think I just figured out the story that takes place after Batman Loves Superman Annual #2! Was that the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Sneak Peek where he teleports up to the Justice League Satellite to fly a space ship into the sun? Was that how he healed himself? Why am I being forced to figure out the order in which I should be reading DC's stories so that they make sense?!

Superman beats up these guys while reminiscing about a bunny and how his father ran it over in a tractor and how he cried for an hour. Here's my story about a bunny: when I was five years old or so, my mom, grandparents, aunt and uncle, sister, and cousins drove to Kansas to visit my aunt's family. Some of the family were in a military bus my uncle had converted into a recreational vehicle, the rest of us were in my grandparents motorhome. My grandfather was driving and, excitedly, he yelled out, "Look! A bunny! A bunny! Whoops. There goes the bunny," as he ran it over on the freeway. I didn't cry for an hour. My family has been laughing for years over that bunny's sacrifice. Not because it died. That's sad, of course. Boo hoo and all that. Big show of empathy. But my grandfather's reaction was so perfectly timed. He couldn't have set it up any better.

Oh, your father never said that! Greg Pak is saying your father said that because it's such a popular thing to say in the current zeitgeist.

Enough with this blanket bullshit propaganda about never punching down. It's simply creating a generation of whiny assholes who want to be seen as victims so they can declare themselves off-limits for being criticized. Sometimes you punch down not because you're punching down but because debate fucking happens. This whole need to rank everybody in such a way to shut up anybody opposed to your point of view is bullshit that only serves to weaken your point of view because you never have to defend it. You just get to declare that your opinion is valid because you're punching up which makes it miraculously correct. Well, if that's the case, then I get to make fun of Muslims, Christians, and Jews as much as I want because I'm an atheist. And as an atheist, I'm fucking punching up when attacking religion. So fuck off! You can't attack me for my atheism because you're punching down!

Also, if Superman was told to never punch down, how come when he had his super powers, he was constantly punching everything? I don't think he really respects your advice, Jonathan Kent!

After the fight, Superman meets up with a cop who he recognizes from events in Action Comics #42 which, once again, I missed due to my time machine having been stolen because I left it unlocked in front of that 1983 Red Barn I visited last week to pick up a Foghorn Leghorn glass.

The police apparently hate Superman as much as the rest of the DC Universe. They've been given orders to let him get his ass kicked by whoever wants to kick his ass. They're all just so angry at all the trouble he's caused over the years. Normally I wouldn't want to agree with that but for quite some time (decades, maybe?), comic book writers have often gone the lazy route where they tell stories about villains whose only motive is to attack the super heroes. So most of the time, Superman is battling creatures who are only in Metropolis to battle Superman. Which, you would think because Superman is a hero, would cause Superman to go live in his Fortress of Solitude after taking out advertisements on all the Metropolis bus benches letting the villains know where he can now be found.

Clark figures Lex Luthor must be behind the police attitude toward him, so he goes to visit Lex. Why bother, Clark? The people obviously hate you. Why blame Lex at this point? Lex was the only one who allowed his hatred to be public. That doesn't mean he's managed to cause everybody else to hate you too. Although according to Batman Loves Superman Annual #2, Xa-du has the power to make everybody in the world hate Clark Kent. Also Xa-du knew Superman's secret identity. So why is Superman confused about everybody knowing his identity?! Why was his first instinct in Superman #41 to blame Jimmy Olsen when he knows he has villains who know his identity? If they knew it would have caused Superman this much trouble, they probably would have beat Lois Lane to the punch and exposed him themselves.

Lex hasn't done as much research as he might think if he still isn't convinced Clark Kent is Superman. He figured out Batman's identity with even less to go on.

Lex points Superman towards Gotham just to get him out of his hair. Um. Sorry, Lex. No offense intended. Superman doesn't trust Lex but he figures he should probably go see Bruce anyway. He probably should have gone to see Bruce after attacking him due to being poisoned by The Joker. But I guess he was too busy to make sure Bruce was okay after that. Now he's going to be surprised to find out Bruce didn't survive at all!

INSERT BATMAN LOVES SUPERMAN SNEAK PEEK HERE

Superman is beat up by Commissioner Batman but Lex Luthor flies in to help. Remember that bit? The whole thing was about how Superman broke a bunch of laws which he didn't actually break? Superman slinks off while Lex and Commissioner Batman have a chat about how awful Commissioner Batman's gut is. Just like every police officer's gut. Gut isn't evidence, assholes. Following your gut really just means being led by your bias, bigotry, and prejudice.

Imagine that. Asking questions! Following the evidence! What a novel approach to police work!

Superman takes a bus out to the Batcave to find Bruce. But all he finds is a one-handed Alfred. And although the first panel seems to show Alfred missing a right hand, it (and the rest) are laid out in such a way that maybe he isn't missing it. Perhaps the first panel where it looks like the hand is not there as the arm disappears behind Clark's head was a mistake. You know, if Snyder decides to later put Alfred's hand back on. Superman jumps to the conclusion that Alfred is grieving so he asks Alfred to talk to him. Alfred explains that Bruce is dead. After Superman leaves, he remembers that Alfred was trained as an actor so Bruce is probably still alive. Alfred is a really good actor if he could make Superman believe Batman was dead simply by greeting Superman! Although he's kind of a shit actor because after doing his monologue about burying Bruce, Superman stops believing that Batman is dead.

I wonder how difficult it was to allow Greg Pak to have the first moment with Alfred? I bet DC Editorial were really strict about how this scene was handled because Bruce's disappearance had to remain a mystery. And I think that first panel which really shows Alfred missing a hand was a mistake on the artist's part. I think Alfred's arm was supposed to have disappeared behind Clark's head completely so as not to give a definitive answer to whether Alfred was still missing a hand or not.

Clark calls Lois for some reason but he's not sure how to get out what he was calling about. So Lois monologues for a long time about her life and when she finally asks him what he called about, he pauses for a moment. Apparently it's too long a pause because Lois hangs up on him for keeping secrets. Fart noise.

Superman spray paints one of Batman's motorcycles red, analyzes the evidence he got from the Waynetech break-in, then goes to the Gotham City Junkyard to blow up an old car because he knows, for some reason, that will attract Commissioner Batman. I guess they need to work out a way to work together because both of their names are on the cover of this comic book. It can't be constantly about Superman or all of the Batman fans are going to stop reading. Oh wait. Commissioner Batman isn't really Batman so all of the Batman fans are probably going to stop reading anyway.

Batman Loves Superman #21 Rating: -2 Ranking. This whole truth thing is kind of annoying because so much depends on things that haven't happened in front of the reader yet and so nothing can be explained to any reader's satisfaction without spoiling the other comic book stories. For some inexplicable reason, I don't like that. It's not like this story is supposed to create tension as the reader wonders what happened but knows they'll eventually find out organically in the telling of the tale. No, this is just a story that isn't allowed to say a bunch of stuff which is important to the telling of this story and that stuff will never even be revealed in this story because it's part of a different story in a different comic book. It's just a poorly thought out mess that I'm finding I care less and less about with every letter I type. So I should stop typing because now I care about forty-eight letters less than when I began this sentence.

Action Comics #41

Since the Sneak Peek "Truth" comics just portrayed the aftermath of Lois Lane's inability to keep her big mouth shut, hopefully this issue will tell how she completely fucked Clark Kent. Not in the way the fans wanted.

This issue begins with Superman shirtless and freezing and maybe bleeding while wandering the wilderness. He finds a road which leads to a town which takes him to an Editor's Note that says "See Superman #41 for details." That means I'm going to put this comic book back in the stack and wait for Superman #41 to come out. I'll see you in the next paragraph! For you it'll be immediate! For me, it's going to take some time. Later!

Okay! I'm back and it really didn't matter because what the Editorial Note really meant to say was "See Superman #41-44 for more details." Because the whole story about how Lois finds out plays out during a four part story. I guess Superman fans will just have to accept that Lois blabbed for some reason and now Superman has found himself freezing to death in Alaska.

After the Editor's Note, Clark buys a shirt, eats a burrito, and buys a motorcycle. He says "Ha" a lot. Maybe he's in the same Endgame hallucination as Batman! He's all tanked up on Wacky Joker Juice and this is all a huge dream!

Some kid recognizes Clark as Superman which causes everybody in town to flip the fuck out and begin trying to kick his ass. Because he's, you know, an alien who was hiding amongst them. God forbid Kal-el ever meet any humans that aren't complete xenophobes. Superman just ate a burrito though so he's got enough calories to punch the fuck out of all of the Alaska hillbillies. He then hops on his motorcycle and heads out to find himself.

Kal heads back to Metropolis because...I don't know. He seems to have left in the first place because J. Jonah White fired him and then the banks cancelled his credit cards (because why?!) and then he was sued for "Superman-related damages." It turns out 99% of the people of Metropolis are really assholes that weren't worth saving. And now Superman has come back because...oh, I went through this in the beginning, didn't I? I don't know why he's going back. To tell everybody he's sorry for lying to them and hope they all forgive him? To say how disappointed he is that everybody just turned out to be less smart Lex Luthors?

Okay, maybe the percentage of people who are Pro-Superman is a smidgen greater than one percent.

Between Aaron Kuder and John Romita Jr, I have no idea what Superman is supposed to look like anymore.

At the Superman is Cool Block Party, Clark meets a firewoman named Lee Lambert. Those double "L"s mean she's going to be an important person in Superman's life! I bet he bangs her! Or she bangs him! Whichever! I'm cool!

Lee Lambert isn't as cool with Superman as the other people seem to be. She, and others in the neighborhood, are afraid of what monsters will descend on the neighborhood that housed Superman. Well good. She should be. People who live with fear and decide to blame other people for that fear deserve to be scared and worried on a constant basis. I don't have any sympathy for the cowards.

Superman rushes off to battle some shadow monster that seems to be something like the shadow monsters seen in Superman #42. Remember that comic book? Yeah, I don't either because my time machine is in the shop.

While Superman battles the Shadow Monster down at the docks, Dawn Command, a fascist group of police, march on Clark's old neighborhood so they can burn it to the ground. Enh. I don't fucking care.

Action Comics #41 Rating: -4 Ranking. Stupid, mean people acting stupid and mean. Those are the people that populate Superman's world. It's stupid as fuck and I've long grown bored of "Superman is the enemy" stories. I have a feeling I'm going to be reading a lot of those lately. Hey DC Comics? Can't you just fucking let Superman be the hero Superman is meant to be?! Assholes.

Superman #41

Why is this weaselly faced guy wearing Superman's clothes?

I have no idea what order to read Superman's Truth books this month. Action Comics had a note to see Superman #41 but Superman #41 came out last out of all the Superman Truth books. I have a feeling it really won't matter and they'll all just wind up sort of referring to each other. But I'm going to start with Superman #41 simply because the Action Comics #41 note seemed like it was in reference to the whole Lois Lane exposing Clark's identity thing. Anyway, I've made my decision and it's too late to change my mind.

This issue is called "Before Truth" and it's Part One so it makes it sound like it'll tell the story that leads to all of Superman's troubles. But the comic begins with the caption, "After everything changed." That makes it sound like it's a story that takes place in the aftermath of all of Superman's troubles. I guess I should just get to it.

Superman is riding on the back of an airplane because he can't fly anymore. He's also wearing his Superboy costume and carrying a messenger bag. I bet Lois Lane's head is inside of it.

The second page is captioned "Before" so I guess this will be the story about Lois Lane betraying Clark. That should be fun.

Clark Kent gets a tip about illegal arms sales in Metropolis so he and Jimmy head out to get the scoop. Once there, he and Jimmy are caught so Clark has to put on the Superman outfit and bust some heads. Lois Lane was suspicious about Superman's head wound and Clark's bandaged head at the end of last issue, so she might be the anonymous source sending Clark into danger simply to see if Superman arrives. I suppose if Clark Kent wasn't Superman and he died, Lois would be able to win a Pulitzer covering that story.

When everything at the probably Intergang meet-up goes wrong, Superman is forced to use his FWASH power. For a guy who never needed that power before a month or so ago, he sure does resort to it a lot now. Plus he likes to do it for fun. I think he might have a problem. Superman is addicted to whatever rush he gets using that power. Or he just loves being powerless. I think addiction must be a part of it though because he's getting careless. Every time he's used the power before, he's blown up everything around him. Setting off the power in the middle of Metropolis just seems irresponsible.

Clark needs to learn to be more careful. He's too used to being able to hear and smell Lois whenever she's skulking about.

Lois helps Clark and Jimmy identify the man running guns which allows her to weasel her way into the byline. Perry Jameson is super excited about his people sniffing out a great story because his paper is failing because nobody reads newspapers anymore. And even though The Daily Planet broke this story, most people are going to read about the story in scrolling text on CNN or via FARK on the internet. Most people won't even hear the names of the reporters who broke the story. Jimmy might make some cash off of his pictures but that's about it. Lois and Clark are fucked.

No wonder Lois Lane is going to be desperate to ruin Clark's life! A huge story that also results in less competition? Who can blame her?

Clark hears back from his anonymous contact only to find out that the contact knows his secret! The contact even set up a webpage with proof that Superman is Clark Kent. And now the Anonymous Tipster believes that they can extort Superman to do their bidding. Has this person never heard of Superman before? As if Superman would allow himself to be manipulated like this! I mean, without first being mind-controlled or under a magic spell or poisoned by Joker toxins. Maybe revealing his identity will be Clark's idea and he'll give the scoop to Lois! Unless the Anonymous Tipster is Lois and then he'll probably never be friends with her ever again.

Clark allows himself to be manipulated by the Tipster one more time but that's before he had time to contact Batman and ask Batman to fix the problem. Clark is pissed at himself but there's not much that he can do since he currently has no powers. Once again, he really needs to stop using that stupid Solar Flare power. He's leaving himself (and the world!) completely vulnerable.

I guess Clark still has some of his powers left because he rescues the woman he just sold out to fake FBI kidnappers. But he winds up bleeding and in the back seat of Jimmy's car with the rescued girl and Lois Lane in the front seat because she's nosy and hungry. And things just get worse from there.

Superman is really getting fucking careless, isn't he?

Superman #41 Rating: No change. Well, it's not hard to see why Lois Lane figures out his secret identity so easily now. Why did she even need psychic powers to figure it out before? Clark treats his secret identity like most people treat their mortality. They'll act like it's something that must be protected at all costs but then they'll walk into traffic while texting on their phones expecting cars to stop simply because pedestrians have the right of way. The more Clark uses the Solar Flare power (which he really never has to use), the more he leaves himself helpless. The longer he's without powers, the more people he won't be able to save, or the greater chance somebody discovers his secret because he has no special powers to help maintain it. I would think Superman would consider his secret identity a luxury that he enjoyed but he would discard the moment it endangered anybody's life. He can't allow himself to be manipulated by somebody who knows his identity. So he should abandon it immediately. Or ask Batman how to devise a scheme to convince everybody that Clark Kent and Superman can't be the same person. Like, um, getting Martian Manhunter to disguise himself as Clark Kent and having him fall off of a building and be rescued by Superman. I have a feeling the whole Lois exposing Clark's identity thing might wind up being something they come up with together.

Detective Comics #41

Insert toothy blowjob joke here.

Detective Comics has become a comic book about Harvey Bullock which I am completely for. Batman starring Jim Gordon doesn't work because Jim Gordon is not Batman nor has he put in the time to be Batman. I get that Batman #41 was basically Snyder's essay trying to convince the reader to buy into it. But I'm stubbornly not going to. But this comic book is called Detective Comics and Harvey Bullock is a detective so it's okay for Harvey to be the star of this comic book. Rules. I just love rules! If you're reading my Detective Comic book reviews in order and you just read the Endgame issue, just ignore everything I said in that one about how I love anarchy because today I'm into rules! The more rules the better! Especially if the main punishment for breaking rules is spanking.

This issue begins with Harvey about to have sex while Commissioner Batman battles a guy in a Halloween skeleton costume. At least I think it's Harvey! He's got a bit of a gut and stubble and he's going on a bit about how crazy it is that he's about to have sex with a dead woman. Or a supposedly dead woman because the woman must be Yip. Who else is currently interested in Harvey Bullock? Who else has ever been interested in Harvey Bullock?! He's a slob!

Don't worry! This is sex from the guy's point of view so the comic didn't get a Teen Plus rating.

Commissioner Batman blows up and apparently Harvey does too because he turns on the light and tells Yip their date is over. That's when the comic book flashes back to three weeks ago so readers can get caught up on why Yip would let Harvey put his Bullock in her Nancy.

Three weeks ago Commissioner Maggie Sawyer asked Harvey Bullock to lead the Commissioner Batman team. But Harvey doesn't want to play second fiddle to a guy playing a huge armored fiddle with bunny rabbit ears. Unless that armored fiddle player is Jim Gordon, of course. But Jim has yet to agree to be Commissioner Batman. I guess, three weeks ago, Jim was still on leave after the whole killing two hundred civilians in the line of duty fiasco. Until Jim returns, Harvey wants to keep searching for the real Batman but Commissioner Maggie won't let him. So Harvey goes back to his old job where he pouts, eats danishes, and grumbles a lot.

Two weeks ago, Maggie is pressing Jim to find out if he's decided to be Commissioner Batman yet. The suspense is killing me! Will he accept?! Won't he?! Oh wait. I already read Batman #41 and the first few pages of this comic which reveal that he will eventually accept. Also the Sneak Peeks of Batman and Detective Comics spoiled it. I guess it isn't supposed to be a tense moment at all. Which means what? This is just filler?!

One week ago, Bullock starts a brawl between some bikers and some off-duty cops in a "cop bar." Fuck you with the "cop bar" and keeping non-cops out of it. If I were the owner, I'd...well, since the owner is probably a retired cop, I'd probably allow the cops to run off all of the other customers. Montoya is there as well. Doesn't that lesbian know this is a cop bar?!

I think Montoya eating tacos is a lesbian joke in bad taste? Or is that my bad taste just coloring an innocent taco eating scene?

I hope no civilians come along and try to order tacos off of that Cop Taco Truck!

Zero weeks ago, Harvey and Renee and Yip have all been assigned to Team Batman. They're arrived at the big Commissioner Batman Versus Skeleton Man fight and it's time to end this comic book somehow. I'm not even sure what it's been about so far! Convincing Bullock to be part of the team? Reintroducing Renee Montoya to The New 52? Sorry! To the DCyou? Getting Yip reinstated after shooting that Anarky kid? Oh! That's what it's been about! Forming a team. I guess the final beat will be something about trust or what's gonna work?

Um, teamwork! Teamwork is gonna work!

The final page returns to one week ago so that Renee can reveal to Harvey that Jim will be Batman. The reader is also allowed to overhear a phone call to Yip from somebody telling her to kill them all. I guess that's why Yip has to be "killed" in the Sneak Peek. Because somebody has their hooks in here. But I'm sure by faking her death in the Sneak Peek, it'll allow her to be free of whoever is blackmailing her to kill cops. Probably. Or maybe Harvey, just like every other character in DC Comics, isn't allowed to be in a relationship for very long. He had sex with Yip and that's enough, Harvey. You know what happens next. Somebody get another fridge!

Detective Comics #41 Rating: No change. Nothing really happened in this issue. The Sneak Peek turned this issue into preamble and most of it was preamble that wasn't even needed. I wish Gouverneur Morris had written this preamble! Then it probably would have concentrated on the sex between Harvey and Yip which would have been more exciting than twenty pages of Harvey Bullock refusing to be on Team Batman.

Batman #41

What should I call Commissioner Gordon Batman? Commissioner Batman? BatJim? Twat Batman?

Batman died in Issue #40. Wink, wink. So now we've got Commissioner Gordon in an armored Batsuit developed by some place called Powers International. How long do you think Scott Snyder and DC Comics can keep the fans interested in a Batman title without Batman? Unlike Gotham, they don't even have a young Bruce Wayne masturbating furiously every episode about how his first kiss could have led to something more, like maybe a little over the clothing ass touching, or a bit of shirt-covered boob pressing up against his arm. I hope next season has at least one scene of an obviously disgusted Alfred mentioning having just changed Young Masturbating Bruce's sheets.

This issue begins with some kind of Doom Patrolesque monster robbing Gotham Credit Union. Or just beating up the building for reasons beyond the reader's probable human understanding. It's two stories tall, has see-thru skin, speaks in static, and has a small sun as its heart. The Gotham Police are keeping an eye on it while they wait for Commissioner Batman to arrive. Jim Gordon begins having Batmanesque Narration Box Thoughts because that's what main characters do now, I suppose. I'm not a fan of them because they promote lazy comic book writing but many people seem to like hearing the internal monologue of the main character even when it almost always makes no sense that they would be thinking the things being thought in the current situation. And many of the Narration Box Monologues are voiced in such a way that they're obviously the character talking to the reader from a future point where they've already experienced the story the reader is currently reading. Those are annoying. Also, they're places where the writer gets to explain the great idea they thought up that they want the audience to understand but they're not sure the audience will even notice it. Because, let's face it, if the words weren't there to slow the reader down, they'd consume the comic book in two minutes, set it down, pick up the next comic book in their stack, and never give the writer's story another thought until next month when they spend two minutes with the next part of the story.

Yes, Commissioner Batman. I'm sure that's exactly what Static Throat the Jelly Beast was thinking. Although second best possibility? "I'm going to stick my dick inside this credit union and glaze the fucking walls!"

Last issue began with a bunch of mourners shining Batsignal flashlights into the air where lots and lots of Batsignals appeared. I didn't call bullshit on that last issue because I have a policy not to trash Scott Snyder books because of the handies he gives me at Comic Book Conventions. But Capullo busted in on us last time and punched me in the face while screaming, "Synder's silky soft hands are for me, you punk motherfucker!" So now I can say that the whole shining a flashlight into the air and seeing some kind of light is bullshit. I used to shine a flashlight into the night sky as a kid because I wanted to alert aliens that I was down here on Earth. You couldn't see anything at all! But I would do it for awhile and then I'd begin to get nervous that aliens really would see it and then they'd come down and abduct me and so I'd sprint inside and hide under the covers.

Parts of that last paragraph were true but I won't reveal which parts. You can probably figure it out though.

The voice on the other end of the Bat-Radio is Julia Pennyworth. I guess she's decided to stick around Gotham for awhile, probably still trying to convince her dad to put his hand back on. It's going to be awfully difficult to stitch up Batman with just one hand. Except Batman is dead so I guess that doesn't matter.

You know what I just realized I'm not really interested in? Commissioner Gordon in a Batsuit!

But Geri Powers is going to try to convince me otherwise!

I'm sorry too, Geri. I don't buy it. Except that I did buy it. For $4.99. Dammit. Maybe I can convince myself that I like it.

Commissioner Gordon decides to consult with Harvey Bullock because Harvey is a guy you can bounce ideas off of and never feel threatened that he's going to have anything to say that's smarter than anything you can say. Having stupid friends is the best! You'd never wonder why I think I'm God's Gift to the Internet if you had to listen to Doom Bunny for ten minutes! He's all, "Sports are fun! And the beer is for drinking! I don't need to be entertaining because I have kids who say entertaining things so I can just relate their stories and people will think I'm entertaining too! I go on date-nights with the wife! My best friend is an asshole that writes fucked up shit about me on the internet! Why is he even my friend? Why did I allow him to be my best man at my wedding?! I almost didn't get Honeymoon Poontang because of his stupid toast! He's such an arrogant, self-righteous dickhead!"

Gordon convinces himself to be Batman because he'd be protecting all of the other potential recruits by keeping them out of the suit. I wish Bullock would put on an armored Robinsuit.

Commissioner Gordon continues to battle Static the Bio-Monster between flashbacks of how he came to be wearing the armor. The person in his ear isn't Julia Pennyworth; it's Julia Perry. Of course! I wanted Commissioner Batman to be tied into the Batman character more than he obviously could be. He wouldn't know of Penny-One or Penny-Two or the Giant Penny or anything. I mean, he probably could know about it if he wanted to know about it but since he chooses to ignore the fact that Batman was Bruce Wayne, he doesn't know about Alfred or Julia. Unless he does. But he doesn't acknowledge it! He just plays stupid. So his Julia is some other Julia working for Powers International. He also has some other guy named Daryl also speaking to him over the Bat-Radio. He's also introduced later as the kid who designed the Armored Bunny suit. Maybe I should be calling Batman "Commissioner Bunnyman"?

Geri finishes her "convince the Commissioner to get involved" speech by answering Jim's "none of this is Batman" with "No, Readers, it's not. But if you want to maintain the completeness of your Batman comic book collection, you're going to have to try to accept that." Well, fuck you, Geri! Maybe I don't care about accepting it! Maybe I'll stop reading Batman because not everything that comes out of Scott Snyder's dick is gold! Maybe I don't want to read a Batman book without Batman in it!

Well, the old baseball player accepts the new Batman. But I'm not some old beat-up has-been! My Batman throws Batarangs! He doesn't shoot them out of a gun! I hate Commissioner Batman!

The final page shows a guy sitting on a park bench and some other guy with a briefcase passing by who stops, turns, and asks, "Bruce Wayne?"

Batman #41 Rating: -1 Ranking. This negative ranking isn't because of the quality of the comic book. It's a good book. The drop in rank is because I'm taking a stand against a Batman book without Batman! I refuse to be convinced by Scott Snyder with his story trying to convince the reader to buy into this concept. I'm with the guy at the end asking for Bruce Wayne back!