New Guardians #22

Why do bad guys always want to break the hero? Regulus said the same thing about Black Canary in Birds of Prey #22! I blame that fucker Drago for this!

To begin, I should apologize to all of the Green Lantern: New Guardians Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Commentary fans. This is the second comic book of the day that I'm reading which means it won't be nearly as entertaining as the first one (Birds of Prey #22). That's because all of my random thoughts for the morning ended up in that one and now this one will strictly be about the comic book itself.

Hmm, maybe that isn't a bad thing! Maybe I should be apologizing to the Birds of Prey Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Commentary fans for rambling all over the fucking place!

Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians have managed to fuck up the universe on the first stop on their cosmic road trip. They popped a Cosmic Cyst which released a gigantic creature from a previous universe. His name is Relic although it probably wasn't Relic when he was in the old universe because that wouldn't make any fucking sense. Or maybe it's just a cosmic coincidence! A two cosmic coincidence since we're dealing with twice the cosmos here!

Relic's rebirth is a bit confusing for him. He's lucky that's all it is! He's lucky he's capable of existing in a vacuum!

Relic begins examining his surroundings and not bothering anybody but Exeter, my favorite martian, decides to put a stop to Relic's non-threatening behaviour. Exeter comes at him and Relic says, "A piece of paper? Somebody threw a piece of paper on me!" And then Green Lantern blasts him in the head and Relic goes, "What was that? A fly?" Kyle also finds that his ring cannot translate a language from another universe.

Kyle Rayner's light power disturbs Relic. It seems his universe had a Guardian of the Universe of their own named Lightsmith. He probably had a Lightswitch Corps to police the universe. Too bad Lightsmith burned that universe to the fucking ground. So now Relic is worried about this universe and he sees Kyle as a threat. Kyle is quickly overcome by Relic because Relic's universe must have been more powerful than Kyle's universe.

The Bohemian Guardians summon Carol Ferris from across the universe to help save Kyle. Are the Bohemian Guardians just not as powerful as the old Corporate Guardians? Why would they need Carol Ferris's help to save the day? Oh, that's right! They're the Bohemian Guardians! Their mantra is probably "All You Need is Love"!

Meanwhile Relic taps into Kyle's brain to learn the workings of this universe.

Look, he's a Relic of the old universe. Why would he be called Relic in that universe? Maybe it's because he had old fashioned ideas like "the universe shouldn't be destroyed" and stupid old timer shit like that.

Exeter creates a feedback loop of Star Sapphire's power between himself and his technology stolen by Relic. This enables Carol to contact Kyle in his Relic-induced dream state. So it looks like the Bohemian Guardians were right about Love being All You Need! Even Relic is taken by surprise by this. Because apparently humans didn't exist in his Universe so now he's going to learn how special humans are! They are the most specialist race in the galaxy! All other races learn so much from them! Just ask Star Trek!

Relic is most surprised by the White Light. I guess none of the Lightswitches in the old universe were able to control the power of the full spectrum. Kyle escapes with the help of Carol and Exeter! Now that Exeter has nothing to guard at the edge of the Universe, I hope he becomes Kyle's friend and maybe even his sidekick because he is my favorite character in all of DC Comics (ignore the fact that I say this about lots of other characters. Right now you should just believe my hyperbole so that you realize that nobody in the world could possibly like Exeter more than I do and I am the king of his fandom and if you think you like him more than me, you're wrong because I have him tattooed between my shoulder blades!)! That ending punctuation sort of looks like an emoticon of a surprised clown.

And then Relic takes his new spaceship and his newly acquired knowledge of this universe and heads off to kill a bunch of Lantern Corps!

Is it already time for another universe ending crisis crossover?!

New Guardians #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. Maybe this crisis will end The New 52 Universe and create an Old 52 Universe that takes place in Relic's old universe where The Lightswitches patrol the universe! And Pooperman was jettisoned from Rectum as a baby and now protects Girth from all evil while trying not to succumb to the power of Rectumite! Shatman patrols Gotmilk with his sidekick Knobbin! The Gash patrols Kidneystone City! Wombder Woman has left Pairatitties Island to make the world a better place! And...and...and forgive me. I'm so sorry for calling The Flash "The Gash". I can't stand that slang term! Using it makes me feel like I'm pledging for a Fraternity! I think I'm going to go throw up now!

Birds of Prey #22

Every month, I'm disappointed when the cover copy doesn't say, "THE DEATH OF CONDOR!"

This morning, I was posting my witticisms on Facebook and I realized, "Why the fuck am I wasting my talents on these assholes?" Yes, I often refer to my friends and family as assholes. But don't worry! They don't read this blog! I can talk about them with impunity here! My family is too shallow to realize what this blog means to me. Here are the defining characteristics, to them, that make this a waste of time: "comic books," "internet," and "free." I think my atheism and my ability to mock patriotism don't help either! I bet they think I'm the asshole! The nerve!

Oh! I forgot to caption the cover! Be right back!

That's probably too much transparency of my process, isn't it?

I know the cover says these guys are Strike Force: Basilisk but they just seem like The New 52 version of the Masters of Disaster. Except nobody's on fire. But the girl with the pink headache in the back could pass as New 52 Windfall.

Last issue was a dream sequence because if Black Canary really kissed The Cunt Condor, I'm going to punch myself in the face, call the police, and tell them that Christy Marx assaulted me. And they'll probably be all, "The creator of Jem? That is truly, truly outrageous."

That joke was fairly obvious but it still made me chuckle when it popped into my head. Okay. That's enough preamble. Time to...I wonder if that's how the Founding Father's wrote the constitution?

Gouverneur Morris: "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, to party as hard as the day is long..."
James Madison: "No, no! That doesn't sound right. Change that bit up. How about...'establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence?"
Gouverneur Morris: "Yes! Yes! But let's make sure 'defense' is spelled with an "s". We're fucking Americans now!"
James Madison: "Oh, right! Right!"
Gouverneur Morris: "Is that enough Preamble?"
Rufus King: "Naw! We need a little more. Pad that shit up! We want this shit memorialized in a cartoon song for the bicentennial! We want this to be so good, everybody will remember our names until the end of time!"
Everybody Many Generations Later: "Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin wrote a fucking kickass Preamble!"

Jesus. This just went from Preamble to Preramble! Oh!

I also just spent the last hour instant messaging with my friend Doom Bunny about Gouverneur Morris. I assure you, I'm weeping from laughing right now. After making fun of his name for awhile, we finally looked up his biography on Wikipedia. Greatest Founding Father ever. Let me just highlight his best moments: shattered his leg fleeing from a jealous husband whose wife he was fucking and received a wooden pegleg; kept a sex diary; died after shoving a whale bone into his urinary tract. Anybody with children, when they need to write a report on a Founding Father, steer them toward Gouverneur Morris! Guaranteed A+! Or maybe just a note saying, "See me after class."

Lastly before I get to the book, whale bone? That guy was fucking hung!

Currently, Condor and Canary are taking the escalator to the mezzanine to get some Cinnabon bon, Cinnabon bon!

At least Condor and Canary use the stairs like reasonable people. Batgirl continues to swing through the hallways on her Batgrapple. That's just lazy. I don't think she's truly gotten her mind out of the wheelchair yet and she doesn't trust her legs. That's probably why she continues with her psychotherapy. Although it would probably be easier to walk down a hallway in a building than to swing down it on a fucking rope. Maybe she's actually dropping down from a hole in the ceiling above. Never mind.

The Birds and Cock of Prey eventually find Strix back down in the lab where they realized Starling was a cold-hearted alcoholic.

This editor's note is an insult. It's probably longer than Strix's appearance in Talon #9. Birds of Prey fans should not have been coerced into buying Talon #9 when the Birds of Prey only made the cover and Strix was in maybe three pages.

The Birds of Prey move into their new headquarters: Condor's Workshop. Dinah wants to avoid anywhere that Starling would know about and since nobody knows anything about Condor (nor does anybody, especially the readers, want to know anything about him! Why isn't he dead yet?!), the Birds feel safe here. Does that sentence makes sense? They know nothing about Condor, so they feel safe with him? Yeah! That sounds about right!

As they set up their new nest, Batgirl gets a phone call that sends her flying out the door. Booty call from Nightwing? Probably.

Meanwhile in the Andes, Regulus (who isn't dead, remember! He died but then he didn't die! Just like Deadshot who killed himself to kill Regulus so that they both could live!) is beginning OPERATION KAIZEN! Some people call it OPERATION SLINGBLADE but he calls it OPERATION KAIZEN! Phase One is to send out Tsiklon and her team to do whatever they're supposed to do in Phase One. Yes, here name is Tsiklon! Lord Google tells me it means Cyclone in Russian! That must be why she has a hurricane tattooed on her face.

See? She's even being coerced like Windfall was! I smell a new member of the Birds of Prey and, mmm boy, does she smell good!

Regulus's right pupil returns to his face as he tells Strike Force: Basilisk! that it's time to return Condor to their fold since he was apparently a member at some point. So it's the oldest rivalry in the book: Serpents versus Birds! But Regulus wants Black Canary as well! Because he wants to break her!

Back at the Birds' Nest, Black Canary wonders what to do next as she sees her team falling apart. It seems to me that if you don't have anything to do, why do you need a team? Perhaps there's a reason why a civilian identity is important. Nobody should be their job or else they turn into Batman. Or, worse yet, Alfred Pennyworth. That guy needs to take some time off from butlering and just cut loose in Tokyo. Why isn't that a mini-series, DC? "Alfred Pennyworth Does Tokyo!" Do I have to write it for you?

While Dinah is having her Birds of Prey crisis, Condor takes advantage of her and makes me sick.

This needs to stop happening already! You know how this can stop happening? If Condor were to be killed!

Remember how you did that phone thing, DC, where you had your fans call in to vote if Robin should live or die? Well, I think you should do that with Condor. But if you do, you don't actually have to do it because I can tell you right now that everybody will vote for Condor to die. So just kill him already!

Condor rushes off to the bank where he encounters the old wise woman from Birds of Prey #whatevernumberthatwas. If you want a character that just screams, "I am super wise!", you get Yoda. But if you can't afford the fees associated with using Yoda in your comic book, you get an elderly black woman. Bonus points if she's blind. This woman seems to be testing Condor to make sure he's a good guy. I don't know if the woman is simply looking out for Dinah or if she plans on using Condor for herself, since she's conspiring with a taxi driver that refers to her as "mother". Sounds like a cult to me!

Batgirl returns from her stint killing her brother and now she looks to Black Canary for solace because Canary has experience in killing people she loves. Little do they both know, neither one of them actually has experience killing anybody! Because James Gordon, Jr, and Kurt Lance are both still alive! Although both of them may have been resurrected by the Samsara Project. Which means they could explode at any moment unless they ingest some of Resurrection Man's semen. Don't scoff! That's a thing! I read about it in a Disqus Comment I wrote!

Meanwhile on his way back from the bank...

Mmm! Tastes like Canary!

The rest of Strike Force: Basilisk (when did I time travel to the 90s?) are breaking down the bay door of the Birds' Nest. Whipcrack begins the festivities with a line so bad that the rest of the fight dialogue will be uphill: "Ever felt a taser? How about a dozen at once?" That's almost as good as Storm's line in X-men: "Know what happens when lightning strikes a toad? Same thing as everyone else." I'm paraphrasing because why would I waste brainspace remembering one of the worst lines I've ever heard? Although some people think it's a good line. Those people are stupid and wrong and can unfollow me forever if they disagree! Oh! Here's another bad line, this one from Blade: "It's like ice skating uphill!" Unless that line was different too. I suck at quotes! The only reason I could remember the Preamble to our Constitution was by singing it! Thanks, Schoolhouse Rock!

The bad guys' lines are so bad, Batgirl begins suggesting her own.

Not surprisingly, I first read this as "I'm a big dumb thug that doesn't know how to suck dick."

Black Canary decides to end the fight by screaming but to do so, she has to tell all of her friends to get out of the way. This telegraphs the fact that she's going to use her secret weapon which gives Strike Force: Basilisk time to shove Uplink into the forefront and use her power to connect herself to the minds of the Birds of Prey. Interestingly enough, when she accesses the minds of the Birds to shut them down for capture, her power manifests as birds attacking their heads. Which means she's a perfect fit to become a Birds of Prey! Yay!

Oh yeah, the issue ends with all of the Birds captured and Whipcrack getting ready to kill Batgirl and Strix.

Birds of Prey #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. I enjoyed this issue much more than just about every other issue put out so far. DC may have done a lot of stumbling in the first year or so of The New 52, but they do keep managing to up the average quality of the entire line. Sure, there are still some incredibly bad mistakes happening *cough* Scott Lobdell *cough* *cough* and canceling Demon Knights and Dial H *cough*, but they do seem to be getting a better grasp of their vision. Obviously they've put a knife in the back of a lot of loyal fans but why should I care about that?! I was one of the disloyal ones they wanted back! I'm the person they really care about! Just like all those artists and writers at Marvel in the sixties and seventies. The ones that went to DC and returned to Marvel made more money and were treated better than the loyal ones that remained year after year!

Batwoman #22

Nobody let Jim Shooter see this cover! Unless you want him to have a stroke. Then by all means, give him a copy!

Batwoman is a consistently well-written and well-drawn comic book, so it's a gigantic pain in my ass. It presents next to no opportunities for dick jokes and rants about poor editing. I fucking hate this comic book.

Last issue was all about Killer Croc so I don't remember what was happening with Batwoman. I think she and her entire family were starting a detective agency so that they could figure out Batman's secret identity. I bet the first move is to infiltrate Wayne Enterprises since Batman is so closely tied to Bruce Wayne! Or maybe infiltrate Arkham!

Alaska and not Wayne Enterprises? That might be my worst guess ever!

That was the first panel of the comic. The final two panels of the first page show Batwoman and Hawkfire trudging through a snowy forest. Is this about Batman's identity or just another random mission for the DEO? This is a good example of why I began this blog. Because last issue was about Killer Croc, I haven't been clued in to what was happening in Batwoman's story (although, sure, I could read Batwoman #20's commentary to catch up). I don't know if the reason why they're in Alaska was explained earlier or if it'll be explained later. One of reasons I hated reading monthly comics as I got older was being thoroughly confused for the first few pages until the comic either explained what was happening or I would eventually get enough information out of the book to kickstart my memory.

Whatever is happening, that's a pretty dope or sick or sweet or radical or literally amazing picture of Director Bones up there.

It appears right now, they're hunting Bane for some reason.

I'm still confused! I'm hoping for a 24 hours earlier box!

Batwoman eventually gets him tied to a tree with something called Python Coil, courtesy of the D.E.O. And then she begins the interrogation. I suppose they have one question: WHO IS THE MOTHERLOVING BATMAN?!

Batwoman's question is this: How do I defeat Batman? Bane's answer is that only Bane can defeat Batman! But he also manages to point out that if perchance Batman were really, really exhausted and maybe if Batman were tricked in some way, well, it's possible someone other than Bane could defeat him. But not likely! Batwoman thanks him and leaves.

I don't know, Batwoman captured Bane fairly easily. Sure, he didn't have any Venom pumping through his veins. But still! He was hogtied in three pages! She broke Bane; I think she can break Batman!

After questioning Bane, Batwoman sends Maggie Sawyer into Arkham to question a bunch of other Bat-villains about The Bat. She questions Black Mask, The Mortician, Fright, and Professor Pyg. I only recognize Black Mask although Professor Pyg seems familiar! Probably because so many nutbags love to wear pig's head masks.

The consensus? He's a robot that loves kicking ass.

Meanwhile Jakob Kane is training Bette (Hawkfire!) to infiltrate the D.E.O. so she can break out Jacob's daughter Elizabeth (Black Alice! Unless it's just Alice!?). This is the back-up plan to freeing Elizabeth by learning Batman's secret identity because what are the fucking odds that that is going to happen? The whole training section feels like one of those pilots for a new sitcom that airs within an episode of a current sitcom. Bette is trained by The Murder of Crows, Jacob's gang of cliché tough guys! I expect DC's next War Comic to be Murder of Crows which will star this bunch of Magnificent Seven wannabes.

And then Batwoman is ready to lure out Batman with a plan of her own that she's formed from the information she got from his enemies. But that plan won't be revealed until next month. Unless there is another Interlude next month!

Batwoman #22 Rating: No change. This issue felt like more of an interlude than the Killer Croc issue! Not a whole lot happened here. Bette and Kate caught Bane. Kate interviewed some crazies with Maggie. Bette beat up a bunch of old men while training. The Murder of Crows got their pilot issue to see if the readers are interested in a comic book about these guys. And Director Bones got in a little fishing. And I didn't get to make a single dick joke.

Legion of Super-heroes #22

Why is Lightning Lad so muscular? If I had lightning powers, I'd never bother with working out. Hell, I don't have lightning powers and I never bother to work out!

The Legion of Super-heroes Plan A is to throw every single member at a problem until one of them has the ability to solve it. Why not? You could lose three hundred Legionnaires and still have too many to remember. Every now and then, the Legion needs a huge cosmic cataclysm to thin out their ranks. Otherwise Earth's economy would collapse from having to pay all of their salaries.

Last issue, nearly the entire Legion had been defeated by Tharok, The Persuader, and the Goddess of All Space and Time, Emerald Empress. The only two left standing were Lightning Guy and Saturn Gal. Why is Saturn Gal called Saturn Gal? What does "Saturn" have to do with "telepathy"? Maybe I'm just too ignorant of the scientific intersection of Astronomy and New Agism.

Oh. She's from Titan. That explains it. Kind of. I suppose Saturn Girl sounds better than Titan Lass.

And if you ever wondered why some of us comic fans grew up a bit maladjusted, I present Exhibit A.

They might be dead but I'm still turned on by their ability to collapse in the sexiest poses imaginable.

Hey, Jeff Johnson! It wouldn't hurt to portray the downed Legionnaires as if they've just been beaten nearly to death! These women don't look near death. At the best, I'd say they're feeling a bit languorous; at the worst, they're deep in erotic dreams.

Tharok, being composed merely of digital data, commands The Persuader to finish Lightning Guy and Saturn Gal. But Lightning Kid is too quick to be hewn in two. Saturn Girl uses her mental powers to stop The Persuader in his tracks. Until the most gorgeous woman in the universe SHWOOPS in to ruin her day.

No wonder Tharok and The Persuader are bald! Hair is a tactical disadvantage!

The Emerald Empress had better be careful about the types of hair pulling shenanigans she brings to the battlefield. She's got more hair than everybody in the Legion combined! With Saturn Girl out of the picture, The Persuader regains his crust and gets back to chopping lightning bolts.

Meanwhile, the other Legionnaires are still dead. Or in sexual ecstasy.

"Oh rock! I've never been fucked like this before! I mean, Ow! I'm dead!"

If you're wondering why I'm not showing the male Legionnaires collapsed in sexual gratification, it's because they simply look like they've collapsed from fatigue. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this kind of thing is why the Comics Code Authority was invented! Because so many young boys were growing up to be necrophiliacs.

The Persuader continues to beat back Lighting Lad. As he does so, he asks if Lighting Lad is going to "cry in his coffin." Oh! That's good! Now when I sing along to "You're So Vain", I'm going to sing, "There were clowns in my coffin! Clowns in my coffin!" Man, that's terrifying.

While The Persuader wastes time coming up with the "cry in your coffin" line (I have a feeling he's not too bright), Lightning Lass finishes fucking the dirt and blasts him in the back. KRACKOOM! That's the sound of justice!

If I were basing my Legion of Super-heroes ranking on Emerald Empress Moments, it would get a +15 already!

I suppose it's difficult using your mind powers when you're being flung about by your ponytail. Although it might help if Saturn Girl were grasping Emerald Empress's arm instead of holding her head. I guess Imra missed the "What to do when your enemy swings you about by the hair" class.

Tharok and the Emerald Empress, carrying Saturn Girl, transport away to safety in Tharok's Magic Portal while Lightning Lad dives in after them. The scene then shifts to the Promethean Giant where Tiny Wazoo was last seen.

Shut up. I know her name is Tinya.

A mystery couple is following closely behind the Giant in a spheroid ship. I might have a guess who is flying the ship but I know nothing about Legion history. But the female wears a white glove and once thought she was lost forever! That's probably a clue!

Meanwhile on the Promethean Giant, Tharok and the others appear. That's a good place for them to appear so that Phantom Girl can save the day and prove she's the greatest leader that the Legion of Super-heroes has ever had!

Except Saturn Girl defeats the Emerald Empress with one of her mind tricks and then Invisible Kid and Frozen Boy return from the Land of the Dead. The only member of the Fatal Five left is Tharok and he's just information in the shape of a bald asshole. Although I don't think a fifth member was ever actually revealed. Unless the fifth member was the Promethean Giant. Maybe it was Comet Girl.

Oh Tharok. Could you at least let the Legion figure out how to defeat you on their own? Just like a villain to open their fucking mouths one too many times.

And then it turns out the Promethean Giant is the final member of the Fatal Five. You know what the biggest problem of the Fatal Five is? Limiting themselves to five members! Tharok does realize his greatest enemy has about three billion members? Tharok is one cocky son of a space whore.

The Promethean Giant begins smashing itself in the chest as it tries to smash the Legionnaires standing on it. I suppose it would just beat itself to death if Phantom Girl were the only member standing on it as it kept trying stupidly to crush her. But since the members of Legion standing on the Giant are crushable, somebody needs to stop the giant. And that somebody is Sensor Girl! And, um, Karate Kid!

Was that a surprise reveal? Were these two Legionnaires lost in time or something? Is this a moment where I'm supposed to cheer at their triumphant return? Because revealing that one of them is named "Karate Kid" kind of let the wind out of the sails.

Karate Kid does not do a flying kick into the Promethean Giant's face to end the battle. That may have been a more awesome way to end the fight but probably a bit unrealistic. And if there's one thing Legion fans demand, it's a sense of realism! So instead, Sensor Girl wakes up the Giant's real memories so it can realize it's being used by Tharok and turn on its puppet master.

All that's left to deal with now is Tharok and it's all up to Snow Boy!

"Least of all Legionnaires"? Shit, that's hugely debatable. Did you not see Karate Kid out there?

After all is said and done, only one Legionnaire is dead: one of Duplicate Damsel's duplicates. Phantom Girl hasn't returned and Star Boy is still missing, but they'll turn up in the last issue, I'm sure. I thought for sure this plot would end with the Legion's roster dropping a few names but instead it's gained a couple! Holy Two Girls, One Grail! This entire run is going to end with even more members than it began! And one of them is named Karate Kid!

Legion of Super-heroes #22 Rating: No change. I enjoyed Emerald Empress but then Karate Kid and Sensor Girl returned from somewhere and it didn't matter at all to me. That's when I truly realized I will never be a part of this club. Sorry, Legion of Super-heroes. But you just have too much history to truly be part of The New 52 Reboot. Perhaps DC should just start an offshoot company that publishes Legion of Super-hero comic books. It can be the Future 52! And instead of 52 titles per month, it would have 256!

Wonder Woman #22

This is where I say something clever and biting about Russia.

This is the first paragraph that people skip because it's just bullshit about my life.

This paragraph gets skimmed to see if I've begun talking about the comic book but eventually gets skipped because I'm expressing my opinions as if they were the only rational and logical way to see things.

This is where I apologize for not having scanned a picture yet.

This is where I say something that isn't very funny but I typed it anyway just to have a caption.

This is where I say something insulting about women in a voice that shows I'm actually making fun of misogyny but is misinterpreted by one Follower who instantly clicks the Unfollow button and flounces away from my blog until Gail Simone reblogs my next Batgirl Commentary and the Follower gives me another chance.

This is where I begin talking about the plot. Wonder Woman is on New Genesis with Zola and Zeke and Hera. This is a rude joke about baby genitals that's actually a clever metaphor for the inherent loneliness of existence. This is where I remind people of something else I wrote.

This is where I point out how disappointed Highfather is that Orion brought foreigners to New Genesis without the proper visas.

This is where I tell a joke that I don't realize I've told five times previously across 1,200 commentaries.

This is where I point out I've never read Jack Kirby's Fourth World stories and all of my knowledge on New Genesis and Apokolips is from second hand sources and the Super Powers cartoon.

This is where I continue talking about the comic book without interrupting myself. Highfather calls Orion a disappointment which is entirely understandable seeing that he's Darkseid's son. Highfather will always love Scott Free more. This is how long it takes for me to begin interrupting myself again when I begin writing about how even Gods have Daddy Issues. This is where I point out that you can tell Highfather is a hard-ass father simply by the clothes he chooses to wear and by his Amish facial hair.

This is where I begin a new paragraph because I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

This is where I say something derogatory about Scott Lobdell's writing.

This is where I begin to wonder if I've done a commentary in this style before. This is where I say, "Fuck it! Nobody's paying for this shit!"

This is where I tell an intensely personal story that may or may not be true because it ties in, somehow, to Orion meditating on the planet beneath New Genesis as he tries to work through his anger issues. This is a joke concerning masturbation as Wonder Woman comes upon Orion beating himself up over his failures.

This is where Wonder Woman shows her true strength.

This is where I wonder if this commentary made even less sense than last issue's Aubrey Plaza commentary.

This is where I finally continue talking about the plot. Highfather decides to let the women go back to Earth. But not with Zeke, the Ender of Omnithing. This is where Wonder Woman gets pissed and begins throwing some fucking truth around but is powerless to stop Orion from taking the baby. This is where Wonder Woman quotes the Terminator.

This is where Orion stands up to his father and makes Highfather proud.

This is where I wonder if I described enough of the plot in this fucked up commentary so that I'm not completely confused when I read Issue #23 next month.

This is where I get back to the plot for the last time as I sum up the last half of the book in less lines than I spent on the first three pages. Orion and Wonder Woman return to find London burning. The First Born has ravaged the city and killed Lennox. Well, he's at least broken old stone Lennox into pieces. This is where I speculate that Lennox can't be finished for good since he needs to spend some time with his daughter, Cassie Sandsmark. The First Born is ready to finish Wonder Woman and Zeke and Orion with a little help from his army of Gnolls when yet another family member arrives: Ares.

This is where I point out that puns don't win Wars. Unless they do. I mean, wouldn't a prescient War know better than I?

Wonder Woman #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. This is where I point out Cliff Chiang is a genius. This is where I wonder when everybody will find out that Zeke is actually Zeus. This is where I remember that this version of Wonder Woman is basically a cross between Xena and Sandman. This is where I'm done.

Supergirl #22

No wonder Asrar isn't drawing the book anymore. He can only draw half a Supergirl per month. Lazy!

I'm not sure how people think in Tweets. As you've probably noticed, I usually need a lot more than 140 characters to get my point across. But just in case you've been wanting to follow a horrible writer that Tweets about twice a week, you should follow @GrunionGuy over there at the website where people Twat. If you do, here are some of the fabulous things you'll see me say:

My next novel: "Everything I need to know I learned in 'Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten.'"
Problem with my new werewolf novel. Takes place during the quarter moon. Werewolf is merely a surly vagrant.
I'm beginning to regret making every character in my novel a Werewolf.
Would Batman kill an evil dolphin?
"Be fat. Be extraordinarily, unhealthily fat." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech
"Never drink into a black out with a loaded gun in the room." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech
"Create something. Except babies." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech

And the most important advice you'll get from anybody, but most especially from a failed writer/super-hero:

"Don't let the internet distract you from thinking up really wise things." #PreparingMyCommencementSpeech

No wonder Scott Lobdell just plagiarizes his own scripts! You can get a lot more writing done that way!

So, what was going on with Supergirl? I'm sure it wasn't as fascinating as what was going on with my Twitter account, but I should get to it anyway! She was on a fake planet made from N-10nth Metal with a crazy half-cyborg, half-Superman Superman! I didn't mean for that to sound prejudiced against half-breeds! You really shouldn't judge somebody just because their parents decided to buck cultural norms and out-dated decency laws! You should judge people on the bands they listen to and the kind of beer they drink and how many other people you've seen their t-shirt on previously.

Cyborg Superman: King of the non-answer answers!

I've mentioned before how much I don't like it but let's talk about this some more: What the fuck is going on with Supergirl's outfit?! At least Neves makes it look less like the uncomfortable diaper Asrar was apparently visualizing. But it looks like it was designed to warn predators away from Kara's hoo-haw-el. It's got a nice bit of Neutral Zone staked out to warn you before you end up in the Red Zone and things begin decloaking and trying to kill you and start an intergalactic incident. No wonder she needed to bring her Kryptonian Dildo with her to Earth.

Cyborg Superman doesn't remember anything except being Cyborg Superman. He seems to think he has memories before this although evidence would point to the fact that he only remembers from the point his power switch was flipped into the on position. To help him remember, Delacore suggests Kara use her memories to help shape the planet into Krypton. Which he, you know, said couldn't be done last issue because it would take more than Kara could provide. Or he hinted at that, anyway. Maybe I interpreted his sly winking and elbow nudges incorrectly. Kara decides to help out with some memories to see if it's possible and, more importantly, how long this whole fucking thing will take. She's spending the last of her very short remaining, Kryptonite-poisoned time to selflessly help these needy assholes.

Supergirl remembers her childhood home and BAMF! There it is! As she runs around it smelling the appliances, Delacore and Cyborg Superman conspire!

Who made Cyborg Superman? Probably H'el or Supergirl's father or Ted Kord Enterprises.

Since Supergirl isn't as good at describing things as she might have thought, Delacore has her wear a band around her head that can see her thoughts and replicate things as perfectly as she remembers them. This time, she remembers her mother and gets to have her heart broken all over again. And then Delacore becomes her father but the I'noxian programming suffers a redundancy error when Delacore notices he has the same eyes as Cyborg Superman. Of course, everybody in this comic book so far has the same color eyes! I guess since they're all family, it makes sense. Perhaps Cyborg Superman was a body created by Zor-el, Supergirl's father, to house his consciousness so that it could escape Argus before it floated into the sun. And didn't Zor-el create the Worldkillers, so he has the know how and technical expertise.

Supergirl's neighborhood of make believe quickly fills up with Jor-el and Lara and baby Kal-el and a couple of her friends and even H'el! I sense a wacky Kryptonian sitcom on the horizon!

And then Cyborg Superman fucks up and says the creepiest thing a half-robot person can say in this situation:

Nope! Done! I'm out!

Perhaps it's the deep, sustained psychological trauma I suffered as a small child watching movies like The Shining and The Sentinel, but when anybody ever says "forever," I know they're full of maliciousness and evil and maybe a little bit too needy thrown in as well. Alarm bells go off in my Neutral Zone and I change the subject to Saturday Morning Cartoons.

Supergirl reveals she's dying so maybe lay off the phrases like "forever and ever" and "in the long run" and "401(k)". A green speech balloon tells Cyborg Superman that he needs to lay off Kara and just observe her as she dies but Cyborg Superman needs what he needs and he needs it now! I still don't know what that is. Possibly a human chin.

Okay, that's the reaction I was looking for! I just got there a few pages quicker than Kara due to my long hours of learning to spot creepiness while watching Motel Hell and The Prophecy and The Hills Have Eyes (the original, you babies!)

So all Cyborg Superman wants is her flesh. No big deal. I guess I was right about his human chin though! So fuck you, Supergirl. You might have some serious problems here but did you hear that I guessed correctly?! If I were Cyborg Superman, I'd use some of that sweet, sweet ass flesh for the chin. Then everybody would always be asking, "Why are you stroking your chin so much? Is it because of your boner?"

It's at the point that Kara resists Cyborg Superman's unwanted advances that he gets a wee bit crangry. Crangry. The emotion that surfaces in the supposed nice guy when the girl he's speaking with makes it clear that she's not going to sleep with him. Crangry.

Come on, Supergirl. I know he came on a little strong but think it through. He's offering you immortality! And all you have to do is let him wear your vagina like a kerchief!

Cyborg Superman doesn't get access to Kara's body through subterfuge or manipulation or logic or force, so he tries a new tactic: pity! This guy is throwing every fucking game at the wall to see if any of it sticks! It looks like the pity card might have the desired effect though since I'm fairly certain Kara's father created this inhuman monster! He's not inhuman because he's half-robot and half-Kryptonian; he's inhuman because he's not any part human!

This whole experience on I'noxia is going to send Supergirl right back to punching people when she first meets them. She tried to be sociable and polite on this world and has received nothing but grief (if attempted rape and attempted murder and attempted cannibalization can all be categorized as "grief"). And she's finally had enough. It's fisting time, baby!

"Fisting Time" is far less sexy than it actually sounds. Or, well, fuck. Maybe it's exactly as sexy as it sounds! It's kind of like saying "Sewer Doughnuts" are far less delicious than they sound.

And then Supergirl is overwhelmed by about 43 I'noxian Supergirls. That's exactly as hot as it sounds! Kara escapes from herselves and bashes Cyborg Superman over the head with her Space Motorcycle. Then she blasts him with the Space Motorcycle's exhaust. And then she tries to make her escape from the rest of her memories.

Does Kara remember every woman she meets as having extraordinarily large breasts?

Supergirl #22 Rating: +5 Ranking! Ha ha! I fucking loved this issue. I feel bad enjoying Michael Alan Nelson's version of Supergirl more than Mike Johnson's version since I like Mike Johnson's version as well. But Nelson has really fixed the pacing problem of this comic while maintaining the strength and likability of the character.

Vibe #6

What the fuck is Vibe's worst nightmare? Anilingus?

Last issue, Vibe ended up in a prison cell in ARGUS's Circus with Gypsy in a cell across the way. Pariah is also in one of these cells because he probably came by to warn everybody about some big jerk called The New 52 Anti-Monitor but Amanda Waller and her goons threw him in his prison tube before he could get the message across. Or maybe he arrived to alert everyone to Darkseid's invasion? I wonder if Harbinger is imprisoned here as well?

Agent Gunn is pissed off at Amanda Waller because she's micro-managing his work in The Circus.

Gunn's husband telling Gunn to act like a punk-ass bitch.

If I were Gunn, I'd tell Waller to fuck off. But then I've never quit a job with a back-up job already in place. When something about a job bothered me, I quit. I once quit a job because my feelings were hurt when they printed up the catalog for the company and they listed everybody's name but mine. Instead of my name, they printed, "The Warehouse Staff." The Warehouse Staff was me, motherfuckers. Just me! My fucking name is shorter than "The Warehouse Staff", you stupid fucking jerks! It was a company that made leather bags and it was owned by a husband and wife team. On the plus side, when I told the husband I quit, he seemed genuinely moved and sorry about the mistake. But it was time to move on anyway. That was less of a reason to quit than the time my manager cried during one of my quarterly reviews. Big surprise, I didn't get the raise because I wasn't trying to be her friend. I suppose I could have gone to Human Resources with that one but since that was my manager's sister's job, I figured I'd be better off just leaving that sinking ship.

If you hadn't noticed, I'm the kind of worker that corporations hate. It's a good thing I have my own business now because who the fuck would want me? The hardest part of my job now is keeping myself from quitting.

Back to the comic book (I know, I know! I'm way more interesting than Vibe! But you're not the only one who reads this blog, Mom! People want to hear me make dick jokes about Vibe!), Dante busts in through Gunn's front window to lay down the law. He's going to help him break Vibe out of The Circus or else he's going to Tumbl everything he knows about ARGUS and tag it "social justice." That shit will have 100,000 Notes in no time!

Speaking of dick jokes, Amanda Waller has a stupid bourgeois thing or two to say to Gypsy.

If someone runs from people that claim to be in authority, it doesn't always fucking mean they have something to hide. Sometimes it means those people in authority are violent, bigoted, overzealous, power hungry dildos. Oh, I didn't actually have a dick joke. I just meant Amanda Waller was a dick and what she had to say was a joke.

I'm curious if that Scissorman in the Circus Tube in the background is from Doom Patrol. I mean, fuck, where else would he be from? I think they were from that weird dimension where everybody spoke in random strings of words.

Later Gunn appears at ARGUS dragging along a humanoid hyena in armor speaking the language of the aliens who ate Sunboy in the Legion of Super-heroes. I wasn't able to decipher that language because every time the aliens spoke, they seemed to use over 26 symbols meaning they were just regurgitating the alphabet and maybe some numbers or punctuation. This hyena guy (which is probably, somehow, Dante in Dog Drag) is speaking shorter words but the font is so small and crazy that I'm not even going to bother straining my eyes trying to read it.

But then on the next page, Dog-Dante gives me what must be an "I" in the alien language and I decide to give it a very, very slight go at deciphering.

And that's when I realize this is The Trench Language which had some translations given in Aquaman. So there is hope! Although the font is still crazy hard to read.

This will probably get a little boring as I walk through my process for solving cryptograms. Cryptograms with pictures help to clue you in to the context of the quote. This looks like it begins with "I" and then a four letter word. Since this is Dante and he's pissed, my first guess is that he's saying, "I hate" something. By looking at The Trench translation of "What are you?" from Aquaman #3, it looks like "I hate" is correct. The Trench font is less clear and more blotchy, as if it were written by a leaky fountain pen or a quill. But I'm fairly certain Dog-Dante is saying, "I hate you all." The font is very difficult to see unless I scan it and enlarge it, I'm just not even going to be bothered to translate the first couple of speech bubbles by Dog-Dante earlier. Maybe if Sterling Gates pokes his head around these parts, he'll be so impressed by my translation of this one bubble that he'll give us the others for free!

Except I'm a stubborn bastard so one more scan to try before I continue. Don't worry, I won't write about this process! If I give up, I'll just continue with my normally scheduled commentary in the next paragraph.

Dante is allowed to remove the Dog-Soldier Armor before entering The Zoo so the reader can finally understand him and then he begins speaking Spanish. You know what? Spanish is harder to translate than Trench speak! Although if he were saying "mal niño" I'd know what he was saying because that and "hace frio" and "hace calor" are pretty much all the Spanish my grandmother used around me. Mostly just "mal niño" though. That means "You're a great kid of exceptional quality." Although I don't know why she thought beating me with a wooden spoon while praising me was a good idea.

Dante manages to break Vibe free while I was distracted by nostalgia. But that's about the only part of the plan that works out for them.

Whoops!

Now ARGUS can take Dante away and heal him with some kind of nanobotistry which will give him super powers. Waller will tell Vibe that his brother died. And then Dante will become Purgatorio Inferno who will be a tool of ARGUS and end up becoming Vibe's nemesis. Or maybe he'll escape from ARGUS and Vibe will have to battle him every time he comes back to kill Waller or destroy ARGUS's Circus.

ARGUS Mecha-men attempt to subdue Vibe but he has this power which allows him to break glass with hardly any effort at all! So he shakes a little of that shit around the Circus and things suddenly begin to feel like Arkham on every day of the week ending in Ednesday!

Ladies and Gentleman, your 2013 Circus Escapees! Sergeant Horned Rogue! Pariah! Abnegazar, Rath, and Ghast! And Transgendermensional! Unless that last one is Warp. It could be Warp!

The only other characters I recognize on the next page are Phantasm from Team Titans and Lady Quark from any comic that I found dull and boring. And the three demon brothers might not be Abnegazar, Rath, and Ghast. But this could be what happened to them after they failed to help Felix Faust take over The Black Room.

Oh yeah. It's one of Morrison's Doom Patrol Scissormen.

During the chaos, Vibe begins to break down again. Oh right. How often is he going to pull this stunt now that he knows Gypsy will kiss him to get his concentration back? I'm not buying it. Stop fucking around and trying to get your smooch on and help your dying brother escape this place, you horndog!

Well, he is only like seventeen or something. I'd probably be spending every waking second trying to figure out how to get Gypsy to touch me again too.

Vibe's freakout causes the barriers between dimensions to grow weak and then a villain with possibly the most squirm inducing name I could have come up with breaches the barrier: RUPTURE! I don't live in fear of much but every time I move anything heavier than a sandwich, I imagine I'm going to get a hernia. I hate the human body and all of its frailties. My top three body malfunctions would have to be rectal prolapse, hernia, and biting the inside of my cheek.

Here comes Rupture tearing through dimensional walls allowing himself and the intestines of his homeworld to slither on into Earth Prime! Gypsy refers to him as "The Hound of Mordeth" so I suppose Mordeth is the bad guy that put Gypsy's people on the run. That may have already been information that the reader knew but I'm not one of those people that can remember everything! Or anything, most of the time. I once took the test to get on Jeopardy when Alex Trebek came to San Francisco mostly because my mom encouraged me and, well, why the fuck not try out? But even if I know the answers to questions, I really need a format that lets the contestant buzz in and go, "Okay! Yeah, I know this one. It's...let me see...shit, it's right on the tip of my tongue! I know it has to do with that guy who did that thing and the name of his dog was the name of the wife of the guy who traveled to that place back in the thirties...oh! It's so close!" Also, I'd probably have to walk over and slap Alex Trebek when he corrected my pronunciation of every fucking French word that would come out of my mouth.

Amanda Waller believes that Rupture has come for Omega, so she sends all of her soldiers to guard the Omega Room. So now all Vibe has to do is get past Rupture who Gypsy has assured him has killed thousands of people with his bared teeth. But then Rupture recognizes Vibe because like I've been saying, "DOMINO MASKS DON'T HIDE IDENTITIES!" Sheesh.

Breacher #1 meet Breacher #2! Also, notice Dante is going to become Inferno. I'd still prefer Purgatorio.

Vibe #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm still not sure why the cover said his only hope is his worst nightmare. Dante was his only hope, so Dante is his worst nightmare? Or is Rupture his only hope which is also his (and my!) worst nightmare? I don't fucking get the cover copy! Somebody needs to explain it to me. Slowly and clearly! I'm obviously an idiot.