We Are Robin #5

Today's Robins are models of youth culture and fashion. Yesterday's Robins were pedophile bait.

The issue begins with a Talon cutting himself off from the people of the Gotham Underground. That's a good idea. Those people always remind me of Ann Nocenti and that always makes me feel sad. Not that I'm particularly excited to see The Court of Owls are behind the bombing and the death of Troy Walker but it's better than an army of underground homeless people. Hopefully Rat Catcher will still work for the Court of Owls because that's clever or something. Because owls are rat catchers! It is like a joke.

Here is a joke you can tell your friends: Why did the owl cross the road? And then you prepare a funny punch line about a rat.

Here is a quiz for you to play. It is called "Basketball or Gay Porn?"

If you guessed "What's the difference?", you are correct!

One of the Robins named Izzy (is she a Robin? I think she's a Robin) works as a waitress at a place that punk-assed motherfuckers like to frequent.

You can tell he is a punk-assed motherfucker because his entire personality and self-worth is wrapped up in a ridiculous image which is supposed to make him seem tough.

It is time for another quiz: "Am I A Punk-assed Motherfucker?" If earlier you thought to yourself, "That's 'punk-ass', you idiot," then congratulations! Although that's not really a good determiner. That was just me playing a joke on you! Ha ha! A really good way to determine if you are indeed a punk-assed motherfucker is to ask yourself, "Do I read Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea regularly?" If you do then congratulations! You are not a punk-assed motherfucker! You are a hyper intelligent being with the kind of genitals most appreciated by people who appreciate those kinds of genitals.

If you are not a punk-assed motherfucker but you would like to be, here are some tips: say things like "It is what it is" and "Sorry. Not Sorry" as often as possible. Make eye contact with strangers and say, "What are you looking at?" Bump into people in crowded locations and then start a fight with them as if it were there fault. Pick on people who choose to wear clothing they feel comfortable in rather than the style that is most popular at the time even though your clothes will make you look foolish when looked back on ten years later. Do not develop your personality or mind in any meaningful way because it is easier to express yourself with tattoos and your musical tastes and your aesthetic. Only ever smile or laugh when it's at somebody else's expense. When adult men and women point out you are being a punk-assed motherfucker, call them a bitch-assed bitch and then vape right in their faces.

I can probably think up more ways for you to be a punk-assed motherfucker but you should probably perfect those helpful hints first.

After work, Izzy is jumped by the punk-assed motherfucker. He really wants to perfect his punk-assed motherfucker game. I thought the neck tattoo that said "KING" in Helvetica font was as good a punk-assed motherfucker game as there was but then he decided slapping a woman could increase his rating.

See?! See! I told you he was a punk-assed motherfucker! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

A couple of Izzy's Robin friends drop by to help her out. Whether or not she needed help is a story that, if told, would most likely embarrass the punk-assed motherfucker.

This issue was called "Sibling Rivalry" which I didn't mention because it kind of telegraphs that Hector, the punk-assed motherfucker, is Izzy's brother. I'm not sure why he beats on her so much. Maybe she once changed the channel while he was trying to watch the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

Later the Robins meet up to try and figure out what the fuck they're doing. Troy getting killed was a wake up call. The Robins missed the first couple of wake-up calls called "Jason Todd" and "Damian Wayne." Although judging by the new pattern, Troy Walker will eventually be back from the dead.

While the Robins are discussing their future, Alfred Crazypants Pennyworth backs a truck full of gear into their warehouse. It's a bribe to keep them risking their lives while he watches them via spy cameras and jerks off. The Robins are easily bought off with their cool new weapons and gear. They decide all the free shit is worth working for some old perv.

Later, Duke, Izzy, and Riko (unless their names are different) are the victims of a drive-by. Apparently Hector is really pissed about not getting to see the end of the "Hello" video. While the Robins cover their heads and pray they don't take a bullet in a non-Kevlar covered part of their body, the Talon hops down and turns Hector and his friends into pellets.

We are Talons! Dun duh dun dun dun dun dun!

Crazypants Alfred gets back to doing the epilogue this issue so he can try to explain himself. It seems these kids began this Robin movement on their own and Alfred is just trying to guide and protect them. He's just trying to keep Bruce Wayne's dream alive! And that dream was of a city where children never cry! I mean, a Gotham where children never cry. I don't think children cry in Smallville or Metropolis. At least they didn't used to. Things are a bit different now that everybody hates Superman.

We Are Robin #5 Rating: No change. The Robins face some challenges and then overcome some challenges while also learning that some challenges challenge the challenged too much. Then a Talon tries to eat them. It's all very exciting for people who can remember the names of all of these various Robins. My favorite, Suge, wasn't in this issue so it wasn't as good as it could have been. If you like the other Robins who were in this issue, you will probably really enjoy this issue.

The Darkseid War: Batman #1

This cover looks like the logo for the teaser trailer of Batman v Superman Part VI: Batman v Superman v Batman v Green Lantern v Batman v OMAC.

People exist in this world who will look down their noses at you because you read comic books and they'll believe they're better than you because they prefer Shakespeare and To Kill A Mockinbird (and oh God how they won't shut up about how much they love To Kill A Mockingbird!). Well you know what? They're right. They have every right to think they're better than comic book readers. Because at least they're reading things that they love (even if they really only love feeling smarter than everybody around them because they can quote all the recognizable quotes from Shakespeare. Nobody bothers with the shit quotes that aren't famous) instead of constantly being let down by the stuff they read while still coming back to be let down again, month after month. No wonder comic book readers identify so strongly with Harley Quinn. We're all in abusive relationships with the most entertaining guy at the party except sometimes, instead of hugging us and making us feel good, he'd rather smack us in the face and murder everybody with gas.

I don't expect this comic book to make me feel less than human though. I expect it to pay for dinner and call me pretty. That might be a mistake because it's going to be a huge disappointment if it ignores me to check basketball scores all night and then clumsily paw at my chest while I'm trying to brush it off with a quick goodnight kiss.

Batman has recently gained all of the knowledge ever because he stole Metron's Mobius chair and renamed it The Batchair. Now he has all the answers to all the problems and will likely return to Earth, meet with a bunch of doctors and scientists, and get busy completely fixing everything for everybody for all time. Certainly he won't just go back to Gotham to stop muggings, right?

Oh Batman. So basically there is now no crime because you stop it from occurring rather than fixed the problems inherent in an unfair system that pushes people aside and cares little for those who don't immediately fit into its parameters?

So instead of using his new knowledge--knowledge which encompasses all of the knowledge of what was, is, and could be--to improve the current social, economic, and political systems, he instead decides to just cure the symptoms of the current diseased systems. Systemic poverty? No big deal! If some poor assholes have a problem with being run over and forgotten and they decide to break a few laws to try to better their situation, Batman will be there to stop them! Now everything is okay again! I guess even an all-knowing Bruce Wayne can't help but view the system through his entitled spoiled rich boy eyes.

Sorry! Why don't you just go masturbate to the real name of The Joker and just leave Gotham to get by on its own?

Batman ditches Gordon to meet with STAR Labs so he can tell them how to cure cancer, increase worldwide food production, completely eradicate malaria, and to go over plans for a nearly free method of desalinating sea water for human consumption. Just kidding! Instead he sends a bunch of violent youths to the Antarctic where they can think about the lives they almost took. Then he takes a wife beater who was about to murder his ex-wife and dumps him with the Amazons. What a jerk. That might not be as bad as walking through your neighbor's front door in the middle of the day and shitting on their living room table but it's close enough. Why the fuck do the Amazons want to deal with this guy?

Batman decides he's done enough for the world with his omnipotence for the day and decides to go back in time to keep his parents from getting killed. But apparently he can't interact with things in the past. Which you would think, since he now knows everything, he would have known. So instead Batman just goes back in time to watch his parents die in front of him. Again.

Since Batman can't save his family, he decides to torment Joe Chill.

The world's a better place already!

Batman makes Joe Chill forget all about their little meeting. Hopefully Batman got that out of his system but I doubt it. I think Batman is bound to use his new powers to torment Joe Chill every single night unless he can shake his addiction to the Batchair. He could have changed the world for the better in so many countless ways if he wasn't so obsessed with lowering the amount of muggings taking place in Gotham.

It has a built-in toilet, doesn't it?

Yep.

Batman realizes he can't get out of the chair so he decides he'll go after The Joker next. I don't know how the Batchair is going to help him against The Joker. He's defeated The Joker plenty of times in the past and he simply winds up sticking The Joker back in Arkham so The Joker can eventually escape. How is the Batchair going to improve on this scheme? It seems like Batman could save a lot more lives if he would just make that visit to STAR Labs already. I bet when Batman asks the Batchair how to stop The Joker once and for all, it'll be all, "Put a bullet in his head, dumby."

The Darkseid War: Batman #1 Rating: Well, that date was a bit disappointing. This comic book simply convinced me that Batman is a selfish prick. Not that I needed much convincing. Batman has always had the potential to do more good as Bruce Wayne than as Batman and yet he spends most of his Bruce Wayne energy on creating weapons and vehicles for Batman's battle against low level street crime. So why would an omniscient Batman be any different? Now that he has all the knowledge in the universe, why would he use it to cure society's ills? Instead he believes the knowledge from the Batchair is better used stopping various crimes in Gotham by teleporting potential perpetrators of violence all over the globe. The Batchair is better used tormenting the killer of his parents who is already in prison. And it's obviously best used hunting down The Joker, even though Batman has done that multiple times across his career with successful results. So unless Batman is going to use the Batchair's knowledge about performing lobotomies, I'm not sure how this next Batman/Joker encounter is going to be any different. I have a feeling The Joker is going to get a brief stint sitting in the Batchair although he probably won't get an entire one shot comic devoted to that adventure. I bet it would be fun though!

Superman #45

At least I have one good thing to look forward to this issue: a break from John Romita Jr's goofy-faced people.

When Superman had his powers, he graced a lot of covers with glowing red eyes. Why did I use the word "graced" there? I'm an asshole. Anyway, now that he doesn't have his powers, apparently he's developed Hepatitis.

Superman begins this issue letting the readers know that he still doesn't have his job, his cape, or his powers. And without his powers, he obviously can't get into his Fortress of Solitude since he locks it with that gigantic key which he can't lift now. But he's put on his World's Greatest Detective Glasses and he's looking for clues to solve The Mystery of The Writers Who Suck At Writing Superman. I hope it's a short case and easily solved.

The case has led Superman to Oakland and the headquarters of a company recently taken over by Hordr_root.

That's stealing, Superman!

Superman arrives in Oakland and thinks, "So this is Oakland." So this is his first time in Oakland? What's kept him! It's the secret treasure of The Bay Area (if you're into treasures that won't make you a lot of money). Most people head to the Bay Area to visit San Francisco or Berkeley. But the adventurous head to Oakland! Plus they have their own airport. Berkeley might have a college that you can attend so everybody you know thinks "La dee freaking dah!" whenever you mention it but Oakland has...well it has...um, somebody help me out here? Oh! They have a Coliseum! If you want to go see a Day on the Green, it'll probably be at Oakland Coliseum! I once saw Pink Floyd there while on LSD. It's dangerous trying to board BART with an arena full of people while tripping your balls off. The city is also full of Raiders fans but I wouldn't let that discourage you from visiting! Did I mention they have their own airport?

Clark finds Hordr_root's company and infiltrates it using his Hordr_mask. In the secret extra-dimensional backroom, he finds Quarmers building other Quarmers. Or maybe they're making Raiders merchandise. Horder_root catches Clark because you can't keep a secret from Hordr_root! Also because Superman hasn't strangled anybody recently and I was getting ready to move on to a more violent comic book.

When Clark chokes out Horder_root, he discovers that Hordr_root can jump bodies. I think Clark wasn't paying close attention in previous issues because he should probably already know that about Hordr_root. Hordr_root isn't much of a hand-to-hand combatant so he summons his champion to battle Clark.

His champion or his janitor. The guy looks kind of confused.

Superman takes off his civvies and tackles Apolaki through the wall, partly to expose Hordr_root's secret lab to the skateboarders outside. One of the skateboarders is wearing an Apolaki shirt so I guess he's big shit in Oakland. I have no idea who Apolaki is. Apparently he's an animated sand sculpture because Superman deflects Apolaki's eye blasts back at Apolaki which melt him into molten sand. That was probably just one avatar of him though. I don't think that skater would be such a huge fan of a superhero who accidentally melts himself.

The skaters give Superman a lead to a club ruled by Apolaki called The Thousand One House. "Thousand" has "sand" in it! Thou sand one! Apolaki! Also it's a big number which could represent how many Apolakis there are. Too bad Superman is apparently on the banned list.

Don't forget about stealing that ride on the plane!

Superman buys twenty dollars worth of tacos and then finds a Thunderdome hidden inside the Thousand One House. It's run by a woman named Queen Shahrazad (not my preferred spelling but whatever). So that's a reminder that I need to continue reading The Book of a Thousand Nights and a Night. Maybe instead of fighting in this Thunderdome, they compete by telling dirty stories? Not that all the stories in the 1001 Arabian Nights (that's just so much easier to type!) are dirty but when you're telling stories to save your life, you tend to throw in a lot of stories about fucking.

Now I want tacos.

This Thunderdome is called Mythbrawl. That sounds like a good time. I guess Apolaki is a myth I'm not familiar with. Maybe he's an Oakland Urban Legend? Shahrazad introduces the first contestant on this night.

Please, Earth-2 Superman. I totally see through your disguise!

Superman thinks he's going to speak with Shahrazad and get some answers without having to enter the Mythbrawl himself. Apparently he doesn't remember how comic books work. But he finds out soon enough as he enters the fight between Haemosu and Mayari to stop Haemosu from killing Mayari. Nobody likes a Thunderdome situation where two men enter and two men leave, Superman. The fans don't pay to see losers coddled.

Although fans apparently pay to see the same fight reenacted over and over again.

Superman agrees to fight for money or tacos. Although I suspect once again hearing people shout his name in love and adoration instead of fear and more fear was a bigger motivator to accept the deal.

Superman #45 Rating: +1 Ranking. Yay! A Superman story that I enjoyed! I hope Superman remains in Oakland and forgets all about his old life that was ruined by the whole Truth story arc anyway. I have a feeling that the further Gene Luen Yang can extract himself from Eddie Berganza Superman Crossover Hell, the better this book will be. Yes, he's still dealing with Hordr_root in this story and the whole Mythbrawl thing is just part of the investigation but at least it's an entertaining side path in the annoying labyrinth his life has become. I would be happy with just one Superman book where Superman is acting like a hero. This issue was a good step in that direction.

Sinestro #16

Black Adam has the most reflective leotard in the multiverse.

I feel bad for Cullen Bunn that people told him he isn't very good at writing comic books. Poor guy. I totally get where he's coming from because all it would take is one internet troll to tell me that I'm horrible at what I do to make me quit. But so far everybody loves me. The most common response I get is, "When will you be coming to the Con in [CITY WHERE READER LIVES] so I can give you a [TYPE OF JOB]." Maybe I'll go easy on Cullen Bunn since Sinestro is, at the most extreme, far end of least, the only DC comic book he's writing somewhat competently. I suppose I can give him some warm fuzzies this month rather than heaping scorn and ridicule on him because he was terrible at writing Aquaman. How dare people call him out on that?!

This issue begins with Sinestro discussing the citizens of the capital of Khandaq.

As everybody knows, only fear of punishment from a heavy handed authoritarian figure ever keeps heavily populated metropolises from devolving into violent chaos.

Sinestro is probably visiting Khandaq to get some pointers on fear working with hope from Black Adam. Sinestro won't admit to needing pointers so he'll probably pretend he's just visiting to find out where Black Adam buys his cool black and yellow boots. Sinestro really could take a lesson from Black Adam about making a yellow and black wardrobe work. Black Adam looks cool while Sinestro looks like he should be scrubbing toilets at a five star hotel in Pittsburgh.

Sinestro wants information about The Paling because he's looking to hunt down their leader and scare the life out of him. Apparently The Paling visited Khandaq many centuries ago. If I were Sinestro, I would have asked Lyssa what I learned when I would later visit Black Adam. Then once she told me, I would not go visit Black Adam. Is that possible? Or in that case, would Lyssa tell me she doesn't know because I will never visit Black Adam. Which would mean I'd have to go visit Black Adam. Which would mean Lyssa should have seen what I learned while visiting Black Adam and then I wouldn't have had to go! Stupid Book of Parallax is useless.

Black Adam agrees to show Sinestro the secret histories which recount The Paling's visit and defeat. Of course Lyssa wants to see the histories too because she fears not knowing all the stories. But Sinestro tells her that Twat Lobo's semen might ruin the pages so she'll have to keep her ass back on Warworld. The other Sinestro members also head back to Warworld leaving Sinestro to piss off Black Adam all by himself.

All the records of all the battles of Khandaq are stored in tombs deep in the desert. Black Adam leads Sinestro to the tomb which houses the memories and histories of the time The Paling attacked Earth and Black Adam defeated them.

Sinestro's neck is freaking me out.

The tomb is guarded by living mummies who refuse to obey Black Adam's commands to stand down. So Sinestro and Black Adam have to kill a whole bunch of mummies on their way to the tomb of the Bishop of The Paling whom Black Adam killed thousands of years ago.

So what? You killed all of the others and they weren't already mostly dead.

Sinestro #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Overall, this issue was nicely put together. It feels like a chapter in a comic book that had been leading up to Sinestro coming to Earth after following a trail of clues about The Paling. Of course it didn't follow any of that at all! Instead it was all that Warworld and Twat Lobo bullshit over the last bunch of issues. If I hadn't been following any of Sinestro's New 52 exploits and this were the first issue I picked up on a spinner rack, I'd definitely pick up the next issue based on this. So judging this issue on its own merits, I enjoyed it. Sure, Sinestro lucks into finding The Pale Bishop who he had no reason to believe wasn't in contact with The Paling for the last two or three thousand years because he was in a tomb on Earth. And while it's surprising that The Pale Bishop was a Guardian (even though trying to make the Universe without emotion is a typical dick Guardian move), Sinestro shouldn't act so shocked since he pretty much recently committed genocide against the little blue bastards. What's one more?! But nothing in this wasn't anything I wouldn't expect from even the best comic books. The plot worked. The dialogue was much better than previous issues. The Narration Boxes were limited to the setup and the surprise ending. So warm fuzzies all around. If this book continues to actually tell a story about Sinestro and not about Twat Lobo, I'll be happy not to whinge on about it.

Robin, Son of Batman #5

During Robin's Year of Blood, he stole a lot of shit from some cult whose symbol is a horned head surrounded by triangles. He stole their possessions, their dignities, their homes, and sometimes their lives. Damian simply assumed he was being tested so that he could become a man at age 10. But nobody told him the truth of the matter. He was really decimating one of Ra's al Ghul's most ancient enemies. But that was years ago. Or months ago? Weeks ago, maybe? Whatever the case, that was when Damian was a bad seed. Now that Robin has decided that Batman is cooler than Ra's al Ghul, he's decided to atone for all of the horrible shit he did as a kid. That means returning 365 prized possessions to Ra's al Ghul's enemies. And even though they're the enemies of Ra's, I don't think this is one of those cases where the enemy of your father is your friend. I think these enemies are just all around bad people and Robin is going to accidentally help them get back on track to conquer the world.

Robin, Nobody, and Goliath are currently pit-stopping on al Ghul Island to pick up a little food and the next bit of booty to return.

You saw a penis, Nobody. That pleasant tingling in your lower abdomen is not scarring. Unless you're a lesbian?

It's possible that Nobody just saw the craziest looking penises ever and that's why she's scarred for life. But she's fairly young so she probably has no idea what a penis is supposed to look like anyway. Although she lives in the internet age which makes it impossible to guess how old somebody has to be to have gotten a glimpse of a naked member of the opposite sex. Back before the internet when I was around the age of Damian and Nobody, I remember girls being quite interested in seeing what was going on down there. I don't think anybody was feeling "scarred" by getting a glimpse of a sibling's friend's genitals. It was kind of like trading baseball cards. I'm old now and we live in the age of free porn at our fingertips, so I simply assume that kids would be bored out of their minds just looking at somebody else's naked crotch.

There was a nice bit between Robin and his differently shaped brothers (I didn't want to use a possibly ableist term like "deformed") immediately following the above scan but it would have diluted the whole penis-viewing part of the scene which is the part I found most interesting.

Robin returns to his Vault of Ill-gotten Goodies only to find his servant Ravi and the Skull of Den--his next treasure he was going to return--are gone! And Damian claims only one other person knows of the vault! I'll pretend I didn't look at the cover and have no idea who he might be talking about! I used "who" there instead of "whom" simply because it sounds better. Sometimes you have to just listen to your ears and disregard your barely passable knowledge of grammar. We all know the most important rule when it comes to using who and whom correctly, right? "If you don't actually know what you're doing, just fucking use who, you asshole." At the very least, by following that one simple rule, you'll know which people in the room are the pretentious, didactic asshats when they correct you.

Damain heads out to the island temple to find the super mysterious unknown thief while Nobody and Goliath pretend to search the rest of the island but really Nobody just goes back to look at penises.

Gasp!

Talia was brought back to life by the Lu'un Darga who are Ra's al Ghul's ancient enemies. I couldn't remember their name earlier and I won't remember their name after I turn the page. Talia wants to stop them before they use her to destroy the world. Probably. That's sort of how these things work. When evil druids bring you back to life, they generally expect something in return.

So I was correct in my initial synopsis. That either means I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Writer or Patrick Gleason is a competent storyteller (meaning the opposite of Tony S. Daniel). It's probably 85% me, 15% Pat.

While Mother and Son battle, the Skull of Den tumbles to the ground to fall on the symbol of the Lu'un Darga. I guess Damian didn't actually have to return it from wherever he stole it. He just had to leave it here in the citadel on al Ghul Island. Which, if that's the case, seems like a poor place for Talia to bring it if she's actually trying to stop the Lu'un Darga. I sense shenanigans.

Lu'un Darga rains down fire and lightning on the island while bringing up death worms and earthquakes from beneath the island. It's a catastrophe that's causing the island to break up and fall beneath the sea. I guess Robin's brothers will be heading back down to Atlantis for a bit. Or they'll choose to paint "R"s on their chests and give their lives rescuing Damian.

Ohana means deformed penises!

Damian and Talia are dragged beneath the sea but Nowhere and Goliath save them. It's probably all kinds of touching for people who feel things with their feelings which they still have because they haven't been worn away by years of cynicism and horror movies. Ravi appears at the last minute with the submarine so that the group still has possession of Robin's treasures and a means to search for safe harbor where they can plan their attack on Lu'un Darga. The guy seemed like a pretty major end of level boss monster but they're probably going to have to defeat him next issue so that Damian can take a break from his solo adventures and participate in the Robin War.

Robin, Son of Batman #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. It was probably a smart move sacrificing Robin's malformed brothers because they were just too strange to have around. They're the kind of thing that would normally be forgotten or become some kind of weird footnote to Damian's story. Tomasi kept them around to show Damian had empathy for somebody on his own terms. But how much more use could they be after that? Well, Gleason gives them a fitting and emotional end. They couldn't really serve much more purpose since I doubt DC would have published an Island of Misfit Robins book (I would have read it). So having them pull the whole We Are Robins and Brothers thing to repay Damian for treating them like family was more than I would have expected, and I'm grateful to Gleason for giving them a heroic moment. Although I wish he would have shown at least one of their penises on panel. Missed opportunity!

Batman and Robin Eternal #4

The goddamned shadows in Gotham and Metropolis keep giving away secret identities.

Bruce Wayne has recently lost all of his memories which help to keep him safe. He no longer knows how to do a roundhouse punch or how to bruise a kidney in just the right way to make a villain piss herself without actually causing her to wind up dealing with daily dialysis. Although if that did happen, it wouldn't be Batman's fault. She shouldn't have been doing crime in the first place! So now that Bruce Wayne can't protect himself, he has no money, and he's conveniently forgotten all of the horrible things he's done to his sidekicks over the years, he needs protection. Especially since somebody named Mother is trying to show everybody in the DC Youniverse that they should have Mommy Issues instead of Daddy Issues. That's going to take a lot of work, of course. Which is why this is a weekly comic book!

Dick Grayson has decided that Bruce Wayne should be saved no matter how big an asshole he's been. Maybe it's even easier to save amnesiac Bruce Wayne because he's less responsible for all the dick moves he's pulled over the years.

This is proof that Bruce really has lost his memories. Usually when somebody says that mother says hello to Bruce, he winds up on the floor in a fetal position weeping inconsolably.

Oh! I know who Mother is! She's the CEO of Murder Hatchets, Inc! Just like Bruce Wayne makes his fortune by breaking windows all over Gotham so that Wayne Window and Wall Repair makes big bucks fixing them, Mother brainwashes people into wanting to commit murder with her axes!

Dick Grayson arrives to lock Bruce in a closet before he can become hors d'oeuvres. I mean kindling! They have axes so I should have said kindling! Stupid! Especially since I always have to look up how to spell "hors d'oeuvres"! Why do I even bother using French words when they make spelling and pronunciation so complicated?! The only way I can pronounce French is if I gargle milk before the attempt.

Did anybody watch The Amazing Race last Friday? Holy moley! Americans suck at trying to pronounce French!

Luckily the caterers for the Welcome Back Yet Another Time Bruce Wayne (Jesus. How Many Times Are We Going To Do This?!) Gala are serving hard cheeses because Dick uses them to knock out some of the Axe-Wielding Maniacs (Tradmark Places and Predators RPG).

A Talon probably changed Dick's diapers.

While Dick is cracking wise about his circus life, We Are Robins (Dun duh dun dun dun dun dun!) stream into the kitchen to join the fight and/or cause a lot of confusion. Dick has been away too long and hasn't heard about how Alfred has gone off the rails from loneliness and begun hiring as many kids to be Robin as he could find. Maybe he was doing it to counter Mother and her minions. So he's kind of an anti-mother figure! Whatever that would be. I'm sure they're some catchier way to say it.

Batgirl arrives on the scene to increase the likelihood of a Batfamily Incest incident. I hope.

The Robins are alerted by the nest that Batgirl is going to use some kind of light attack. Luckily they've trained for that kind of situation and have a maneuver named after some blind swordsman or something. Dick is still confused.

I will see Batgirl #45! I hope she gets laid at Alysia's wedding.

Dick gives Duke a half-hearted lecture that's more "I'll give you some pointers and advice later" and less "stop being an idiot." It hasn't been that long since he began running into new costumed vigilantes and he's already met about two dozen new ones. If We Are Robins all get grappling guns then there will definitely be a mid-air collision between swinging vigilantes about once per week.

Meanwhile Bluebird and Cassandra continue to wander around the Batcave and not kiss. Spoiler angrily kicks things over because she's also not kissing stuff. Jason Todd and Tim Drake are only a few feet away and nobody is putting their tongues on anybody else's tongue-hungry body parts. I'm really disappointed with the libido on these Batkids.

Dick and Tim put their information together and realize that the attackers at the Gala were also on Mother's list that Cassandra gave to Dick. So they're all Mother's victims while the Batkids, including Harper and Stephanie now, were somehow saved from being brainwashed lunatics! But how were they saved?! Who could have saved them? What do they all have in common?! Not Batman! He's a dick! But Alfred Pennyworth? He's the Gotham version of Schindler. Probably! At the very least, he was the voice in Batman's ear telling Batman to collect as many kids as possible because Alfred is a freak.

The issue ends with Dick once again going out on his own to investigate a house with a mailbox out front with the name of "Drake" on it. I don't know what that has to do with anything because isn't Tim's name made up and his real parents in some kind of witness protection program? While he checks out that lead, Jason pretends he wasn't doing anything worth note while everybody else was either protecting Bruce or walking out of the Batcave. And then Tim gets a phone call from his mother. Or Mother. I guess it's ambiguous to racket up the tension.

Batman and Robin Eternal #4 Rating: No change. This is a weekly comic book which means a high percentage of these issues aren't going to matter. This is one of those. Dick went off on his own at the end of last issue although he still had backup from Tim in the Batcave. This one ends where he goes off on his own again. Bruce was in danger at the end of the last issue but now he's safe and we know the We Are Robin kids are keeping an eye on him. So that's a tiny bit of new news that you would have missed if you'd skipped this issue but hardly relevant. During the last issue, Cassandra and Harper slipped out of the Batcave and in this one they just keep going. Nothing new there either. The only thing interesting that happened this issue was that Jason Todd masturbated. But that took place off-panel and possibly only in my own head.

Black Canary #5

This cover reminds me I need to catch up on iZombie Season Two.

Annie Wu is still being lazy and refusing to draw issues of Black Canary, so Pia Guerra is back. I guess that's okay. She did a good job of making me want to put my penis on top of Bo's vagina, or however that works. I wonder what would happen if I entered "vagina" into Lord Google? Here are the things that pop up (besides you know what! Hee hee!):

"Amy Schumer on her dating life": That's because she has a vagina and vaginas are used in dating. I'm only guessing since I didn't actually click on the link.

"Jessica Biel, Vibrators, Vagina": This must be one of those SAT questions.

"Mike Tyson: Khloe's vagina saved Lamar...'brought him back from the dead'": Holy shit. Somebody should bring back the show In Search Of and the first episode should be "In Search of...Khloe Kardashian's Vagina." Tomorrow, I'm going out and getting a bracelet that reads "If found dead, put penis on Khloe Kardashian's Vagina, or however that works." I'm going to live forever!

"The Vagina (Human Anatomy): Picture, Parts, Function...": I guess you have to be specific if you're looking for like a cat vagina or something.

"Vagina - Wikiepedia, the free encyclopedia": What do nerds know about vaginas? Go here if you want to believe they have teeth and can cast curses. I mean if they can't. Can they?

"What Men Think of 8 Vagina Types (Yes, Really)": There are eight types of vagina? I can only think of five: Normal, Sideways, Rotating, Penis, and Mostly Hair.

"10 Wonderful Things You Should Know About Your Vagina": This is from Women's Health Magazine's website so it's probably biased. I bet Maxim has a totally different set of wonderful things.

"The Best Ways To Touch Her Vagina": This is from Men's Health Magazine so it probably doesn't list things like "with her consent" or "with clean hands."

I couldn't just leave that last one without wondering what their advice was! So the first thing they recommend is to stroke her clitoral hood. The image to go with this advice is a woman looking under the hood of a car. Now I'm super confused about what I'm supposed to be doing. Shouldn't the picture be the thing I'm supposed to find?! Based on this picture, I'm expecting to find a pull tab to check my lady's love juice levels and a severely crusted battery.

This is the image they use for "caressing her cervix" which must be a euphemism for "kick her in the vagina as hard as you can."

Okay, now that I know how to touch a vagina (but not what one looks like! Some diagrams really would have helped), it's time to pick up some horny ladies in the bar at the bowling alley! But since it's Halloween, It will be extra intimidating, so I'm just going to stay home and read Black Canary. Maybe I'll try it next week! Except the new Call of Duty comes out next weekend. Bah, maybe I'll find a willing vagina next year.

Black Canary begins this issue by saying all the wrong things to say at the beginning of a story.

Stories need conflict and if you say things like this at the beginning of the story, you're making it easy for Conflict to say, "Hey! What a great idea! She loves these people so if we put them in danger, conflict! And then the resolution can either be she saves them or they die. Doesn't really matter. I did my part! Conflict rules!"

Somebody backstage is not happy about Black Canary's onstage lovefest. He's all, "Grump grump grump stare stare." That must be Conflict.

The band's bus was destroyed by ninjas or aliens so now they're traveling in a minivan. Conflict let's Dinah know that he really felt the love but I don't think he really felt it at all. Also Conflict turns out to be Kurt Lance. I forgot he was hanging around trying to get this comic book cancelled.

Apparently the band is out of the money the label gave them for the tour because they had to pay for rebuilding every venue they've played in. So now they can't stay in a hotel and have to sleep in the woods where the murderers live. While they're making camp, we learn that Byron's sister is named Shelley and then we all puke. At least I did! She probably has a couple of brothers named Keats and Barrett Browning. And she probably grew up with a parrot named Coleridge who wouldn't shut the fuck up. "Water! Water! SQUAWK! Everywhere! SQUAWK! Ruin the wedding! SQUAWK! Ruin the wedding!"

Over veggie hot dogs and S'mores, Dinah decides that the record label is behind some kind of conspiracy and the band is being used by them. She also clears up the whole Ashes On Sunday thing which was so obvious it's no wonder I couldn't figure it out. Ashes was just the band she was in before she ditched them because the record company offered her a lot of money to replace Bo in Alas Insane and change the name to Black Canary. They also forced Ditto on the band. I think they might be creating a rock band that is also a super weapon.

While sleeping, Black Canary is stuck with a needle by the good ninja in white!

Darn it. I wish Dinah slept in frilly underwear.

The White Ninja isn't as good as her white clothing would lead you to believe. She's taken a sample of Black Canary's juices and kicked her and thrown ninja stars at her. But Dinah keeps up the chase through lots of pages without any words. Eventually Dinah loses her because ninjas are impossible to follow through trees. They can run along the tiniest branches while fat-ass non-ninja types just break everything and get caught in shrubs and twist their ankles. And since the chase is over, it's time for the record signing in the morning!

At the signing, Black Canary gets called out by a bunch of other bands for a Band Fight! Band fights are always called Battle of the Bands and they're serious business. One time after Iron Maiden had put out a couple of records, they lost a Battle of the Bands and their lead singer was cannibalized by the other bands. Later they hired some guy named Paul Di'Anno to pretend that he was their original singer but true Battle of the Bands fans know what really happened. Fear of the repercussions of a losing Battle of the Bands competition is also why Pete Best left The Beatles. It was a Battle in which the losing bands would all be placed under Gypsy curses. The Beatles were young and inexperienced and lost. It's why Lennon was eventually murdered, Harrison died of cancer, McCartney lived way too long to matter to anybody anymore, and, although everybody knows there was a fourth member, nobody can remember him because he ceased to exist.

I don't think these youngsters know how serious a Battle of the Bands is! I bet Bo's band is the last band and she set up the challenge by putting Satan's dick on top of her vagina, or however that works.

Backstage, Heathcliff reveals that he's in love with Pomeline. I mean, he reveals that the fifth band is Bo's band, "Bo M." Is that short for Bowel Movement because that's a good name for a band. I'm ignoring everybody who is telling me what it really means because I'm pretending it's short for Bowel Movement. La la la! I can't hear your poorly pronounced French! La la la la la!

Dinah watches Bo perform and realizes that maybe she needs to learn to move on stage the way Bo does. Dammit, Dinah! Everybody has been telling you that you need better movement and stage presence! I might be wrong but it feels like she's been told by every other character (except Ditto but you can see in Ditto's eyes that she thinks Dinah is a cold fish and a wet blanket too) that she needs to learn some moves! Most of my critical reviews have been filled with me screaming things like, "Maybe you should do your martial arts on stage, you barn owl!" But it took Bo's sexy, sexy moves to make Dinah realize that maybe grinding her vagina against the mic stand isn't the only move she needs.

Dinah also discovers that Bo has learned how to do the Sonic Scream! Whoops.

Black Canary #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wish I was reading more comic books meant for adults because there isn't enough sex or nudity in DC's comic books. No wonder people write fan-fiction because I really want to read a story about Bo sitting on Dinah's face now. The conflict of the story should be whether or not they're going to get into some serious ass-play. But I guess for a comic book targeted at teens, this one is pretty good. I guess teens don't know about sex so sex is forbidden in these books. Stupid teens! You're ruining it for everybody!