We Are Robin #5

Today's Robins are models of youth culture and fashion. Yesterday's Robins were pedophile bait.

The issue begins with a Talon cutting himself off from the people of the Gotham Underground. That's a good idea. Those people always remind me of Ann Nocenti and that always makes me feel sad. Not that I'm particularly excited to see The Court of Owls are behind the bombing and the death of Troy Walker but it's better than an army of underground homeless people. Hopefully Rat Catcher will still work for the Court of Owls because that's clever or something. Because owls are rat catchers! It is like a joke.

Here is a joke you can tell your friends: Why did the owl cross the road? And then you prepare a funny punch line about a rat.

Here is a quiz for you to play. It is called "Basketball or Gay Porn?"

If you guessed "What's the difference?", you are correct!

One of the Robins named Izzy (is she a Robin? I think she's a Robin) works as a waitress at a place that punk-assed motherfuckers like to frequent.

You can tell he is a punk-assed motherfucker because his entire personality and self-worth is wrapped up in a ridiculous image which is supposed to make him seem tough.

It is time for another quiz: "Am I A Punk-assed Motherfucker?" If earlier you thought to yourself, "That's 'punk-ass', you idiot," then congratulations! Although that's not really a good determiner. That was just me playing a joke on you! Ha ha! A really good way to determine if you are indeed a punk-assed motherfucker is to ask yourself, "Do I read Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea regularly?" If you do then congratulations! You are not a punk-assed motherfucker! You are a hyper intelligent being with the kind of genitals most appreciated by people who appreciate those kinds of genitals.

If you are not a punk-assed motherfucker but you would like to be, here are some tips: say things like "It is what it is" and "Sorry. Not Sorry" as often as possible. Make eye contact with strangers and say, "What are you looking at?" Bump into people in crowded locations and then start a fight with them as if it were there fault. Pick on people who choose to wear clothing they feel comfortable in rather than the style that is most popular at the time even though your clothes will make you look foolish when looked back on ten years later. Do not develop your personality or mind in any meaningful way because it is easier to express yourself with tattoos and your musical tastes and your aesthetic. Only ever smile or laugh when it's at somebody else's expense. When adult men and women point out you are being a punk-assed motherfucker, call them a bitch-assed bitch and then vape right in their faces.

I can probably think up more ways for you to be a punk-assed motherfucker but you should probably perfect those helpful hints first.

After work, Izzy is jumped by the punk-assed motherfucker. He really wants to perfect his punk-assed motherfucker game. I thought the neck tattoo that said "KING" in Helvetica font was as good a punk-assed motherfucker game as there was but then he decided slapping a woman could increase his rating.

See?! See! I told you he was a punk-assed motherfucker! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

A couple of Izzy's Robin friends drop by to help her out. Whether or not she needed help is a story that, if told, would most likely embarrass the punk-assed motherfucker.

This issue was called "Sibling Rivalry" which I didn't mention because it kind of telegraphs that Hector, the punk-assed motherfucker, is Izzy's brother. I'm not sure why he beats on her so much. Maybe she once changed the channel while he was trying to watch the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

Later the Robins meet up to try and figure out what the fuck they're doing. Troy getting killed was a wake up call. The Robins missed the first couple of wake-up calls called "Jason Todd" and "Damian Wayne." Although judging by the new pattern, Troy Walker will eventually be back from the dead.

While the Robins are discussing their future, Alfred Crazypants Pennyworth backs a truck full of gear into their warehouse. It's a bribe to keep them risking their lives while he watches them via spy cameras and jerks off. The Robins are easily bought off with their cool new weapons and gear. They decide all the free shit is worth working for some old perv.

Later, Duke, Izzy, and Riko (unless their names are different) are the victims of a drive-by. Apparently Hector is really pissed about not getting to see the end of the "Hello" video. While the Robins cover their heads and pray they don't take a bullet in a non-Kevlar covered part of their body, the Talon hops down and turns Hector and his friends into pellets.

We are Talons! Dun duh dun dun dun dun dun!

Crazypants Alfred gets back to doing the epilogue this issue so he can try to explain himself. It seems these kids began this Robin movement on their own and Alfred is just trying to guide and protect them. He's just trying to keep Bruce Wayne's dream alive! And that dream was of a city where children never cry! I mean, a Gotham where children never cry. I don't think children cry in Smallville or Metropolis. At least they didn't used to. Things are a bit different now that everybody hates Superman.

We Are Robin #5 Rating: No change. The Robins face some challenges and then overcome some challenges while also learning that some challenges challenge the challenged too much. Then a Talon tries to eat them. It's all very exciting for people who can remember the names of all of these various Robins. My favorite, Suge, wasn't in this issue so it wasn't as good as it could have been. If you like the other Robins who were in this issue, you will probably really enjoy this issue.