Convergence: World's Finest #1

Who the fuck is this guy?

The issue begins with this little vandal drawing Superman's picture in some wet cement and signing his name: Scribbly. He's Narration Boxing like a modern character so he must be a genius comic book character way ahead of his time. Although he seems to be about five years old while having his first memory. I don't remember my first memory because I'm an idiot. I think it was when I had super hot sex for the first time at like two years old. That might not be sexy from your point of view but it is from mine! Also it was totally consensual so don't go assuming I was abused or anything that might make me look less like I'm not lying about having had sex and at a totally early age because I'm such a lady's man.

This was 1940 when strange adults were allowed to smack little kids committing acts of vandalism so I imagine Scribbly's second memory was getting the tar beat out of him by the two cement layers standing nearby watching him fuck up their work.

Forty years later and it's 1980! Scribbly is now an editorial cartoonist (specializing in super hero jokes) and still a virgin! It's okay to call him a virgin because it's a fact and not an insult. Some facts just seem like insults because they're so embarrassing. But that's you projecting Scribbly's embarrassment onto him. He wasn't embarrassed about not ever having sex with women like he always wanted to because he would just lie and tell everybody that he totally had sex and started having sex at two years old like a manly toddler man.

Scribbly was not just an editorial cartoonist but also a reporter for the Metropolis Piece Of Shit Gazette. He was also the janitor and the night watchman. He loved his job and loved superheroes. But most of all he loved...he loved Metropolis!

Five years later, Crisis on Infinite Earths began threatening Earth-2 with destruction. But Scribbly kept right on scribbling!

Scribbly was also kind of stupid in a lot of little ways. He might even be able to take over Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

Vigilante runs the "river horse" into a brick wall and it is knocked unconscious. That's when Scribbly is kidnapped by Pterodactyls (which means, I think, Screechy Winged Barbecue). Green Arrow and Speedy leap to the rescue. Green Arrow fires a bunch of explosive arrows to rattle the Pterodactyl so it loses its grip on Scribbly and Speedy shoots a net arrow to catch him. Except Speedy really fucking screws up. He screws up so badly that the net is ineffective and Green Arrow and Speedy himself fall off the building they're firing arrows from. What a jerk! Worst sidekick ever!

It also could have been the earthquake that screwed up the rescue attempt. But who's to say that Speedy didn't cause the earthquake, hmm?

Sir Justin and his trusty Pegasus (which means, probably, "stupid jerk that doesn't know horses can't fly") swoop in and save the Scribbly's day! But he can't save Green Arrow or Speedy's day so they just fall on the street below and die. It's totally hilarious.

And then the dome fell. Victory the Pegasus lost her wings. Excalibur lost its razor sharp edge (unless Sir Justin's sword's name was Stormbringer). And Sir Justin himself began to age. Because he's like 2000 years old or something.

After the dome fell, life went on. Just like in all the other Convergence issues! Scribbly kept doing editorial cartoons and not all of them featured a comment on the dome.

Some dealt with dying heroes! This one is particularly humorous.

Scribbly noticed some people gave up their jobs as meaningless now that the dome had fallen. But not him! He knew his job as an editorial cartoonist was important! He says, "My old art teacher taught me that cartoons created laughter and laughter was the best medicine...". I bet! That cartoon where Stripesy lay dying was a laugh riot! And the one he drew of a tombstone with the word hope on it? Hilarious!

But then one day while Scribbly is off flirting with Victory, the dome fell! Victory's wings returned! Excalibur's blade grew sharp! Sir Justin became young and sexually virile again! And Scribbly was already thinking of a hilarious cartoon about the dome disappearing and a lone tear dropping from Superman's eye as he flies past an eagle tap dancing on Hitler's grave!

And then...SURPRISE!...Telos! Boy, I thought it was going to be different this time.

Sir Justin and Scribbly are the world's finest?

I bet Scribbly comes up with a hilarious cartoon which causes Telos to laugh for the first time! He then changes his mind and saves all the universes. No, not really! Scribbly will probably just die.

Convergence: World's Finest #1 Rating: We don't get characters like Scribbly too often nowadays, do we? Or characters like Ma Hunkel's Red Tornado! Is that a good thing? Probably. I think I'm going to take over Scribbly's job as an editorial cartoonist! And heres's my first cartoon:

Convergence: Infinity Inc. #1

I remember this issue!

About three in the morning, my downstairs neighbors began arguing with each other. Apparently the guy tried to slip his dick into her ass while they were fucking and she wasn't having any of it. At first I thought it was just my view of the world that made me interpret what I was hearing as an argument about buttsecks but then she said a few things that confirmed it like "It hurts!" and "You don't get it. You put your body inside of my body!" and "I have never had anything up there! I should know! It's my body!" and, most particularly, "Don't stick it in my ass!" His voice was just a deep rumble so I couldn't hear him but it seems like he was trying to convince her to go with it and then thought maybe the way to get her to say yes was to point out how other guys have fucked her in the ass which, according to her vehement reaction, wasn't true. At one point I thought I might have to either throw on some pants and go down to make sure she was okay or call the cops but she never sounded frightened just thoroughly pissed off at him. It was when I could finally hear him say, "You're my girlfriend! I'm not trying to rape you! I could go to jail!" (because that, of course, is the only reason not to rape, amirite?!) that I realized I might actually have to get involved. But she, still sounding firmly in control, loudly and forcefully told him to get out of her apartment three or four times after each of his mumbles. Then the door slammed and that was it. I'm sure they've already called each other this morning and made up. They yell at each other a lot between bouts of sex. Seems like a fun couple!

Seems to me that if you ever have to convince your partner that you're not trying to rape them, you're probably an asshole.

The issue begins with some people watching a performance of The Tempest. Why does it always seem to be that play which writers choose to use in their stories? It's probably the play I'm least familiar with. Although this time I get it! The players are transported to and trapped on a crazy island! Just like the characters in Earth-2 Metropolis have been trapped under a dome! And some guy named Caliban is important for some reason or other!

Oh! And if I didn't get it, the Silver Scarab points it out for me! Thanks, Hector!

The entire team has gathered to watch Jade's performance as Miranda. That's heavy handed as well because, you see, Miranda is a daughter and Jade is also a daughter! I don't know if I can remember the names of all of the Infinity Inc kids. I remember Sylvester Pemberton as the Star Spangled Kid and Starman's kid. And Hector Hall as the Silver Scarab and Hawkman's kid. And Hippolyta Hall (unless she wasn't married to Hector yet) as Fury and Wonder Woman's kid. And Todd Rice as Obsidian and Green Lantern's kid. And Jade Scott (except her first name was something else (and also her last name!)) as Jade and Obsidian's twin. And Big Lunk as Nuklon and The Atom's kid. And I can't remember Northwind's name at all or whose kid he was! I also may have gotten some of that information wrong. I never owned any Infinity Inc books. I just read my cousin's copies.

Todd has brought a "friend" along because remember how gay he turned out to be?! I don't think he came out until after Infinity Inc was cancelled, right? So they're playing the "just a friend" scene backstage to show how the whole team knew he was gay already anyway.

After the play, Jade heads off to find Brainwave Junior who missed her play. He lives in a rough part of town because he's a drunk. I guess he couldn't handle losing his powers. Unless he was a drunk before because he couldn't handle having his powers. Unless he was just a drunk because he liked drinking so much. Since it's a rough neighborhood, she's followed by a couple of thugs that took up thugging because they're nice guys that women never noticed because women don't realize that when somebody is nice and thoughtful, they deserve sex.

I don't understand how being nice is supposed to get you laid anyway! Isn't being sexy what gets you laid?! You know what also helps? Being confident and useful and independent! If you like somebody and you can't get their sexual attention by being nice to them, you should rescue some children from a burning building. They'll be all, "Let me take your pants off for you so I can put my mouth against your thingy!" But when you're nice to them, they just say, "Thank you! How sweet and kind you are!" See how my hypothetical situation involving being nice didn't result in getting laid? How could I have written that unless it isn't true? If you want sex, be sexy and confident. If you want romance, show yourself to be useful and independent. If you want to be an angry nice guy, keep playing Magic the Gathering and living with your parents.

Don't get mad at me for the Magic the Gathering comment! I play Magic the Gathering and I've had sex close to five times! But that's because I don't live with my parents. See how that works?

I call these guys thugs. It's funny but until all the recent hubbub about the word "thug", I only ever thought of the word in the context of comic book henchmen and black and white fifties crime movies. But it's totally used as a racist term now. If you're not talking about comic books, of course.

The word thug is a good example of how I've pointed out that the word "retard" will eventually be put to rest but the next polite term which we use for mentally handicapped people (I don't currently know what that is!) will just replace retard as a slur and we'll just have to think up a new one. It isn't that the word retard has any inherent negative connotations to it. It's just that mentally handicapped people were called mentally retarded because their mental growth was retarded for one reason or another. And since we called mentally handicapped people mentally retarded because that was the decided upon term, people began calling other people who weren't mentally handicapped "retarded" as an insult. So no matter what we call mentally handicapped people, some people will turn that term into an insult and we'll be back to square one. That's what thug has become. It absolutely, in certain circles, has become the new way to say nigger. Which is really fucking weird if you're a comic book fan because we all know thugs are the guys Batman beats up without any trouble on his way to get the leader. Are my thug Heroclix going to be deemed racist now?

Jade beats up the blond thug and tells his friend Choochie to take him home before the Citizen's Patrol picks them up. Jade's a fucking narc, man. She's probably going to take her drunk and unconscious friend Henry to an intervention now.

Oh yeah! It was Hippolyta Trevor! And then I think she hyphenated after the marriage?

The rest of the team are going about their daily lives when Telos breaks in with a special announcement. Infinity Inc gets to fight!

Because of this whole doming thing, does that mean Hippolyta and Hector's son Daniel will never be born and will never become the next Dream of The Endless?!

Apparently the team got a note that they would be heading to Hex's city to battle the Dogs of War. Since Hex comes from a weird post-apocalyptic future, they might be real dogs. The team hops in their spaceship and heads out to battle.

Sorry you guys drew this lot, Infinity. I'm going to have to side with Hex on this one.

Hex and Sylvester trade a couple of lines before Hex's pal Centurion screams, "Centurion shall draw first blood!" He then shoots some blasts out of his hands. Turning the page, the next panel has Hex explaining what happened. He says, "Well, Roman--ya blasted their ship ta pieces, and took out the fancy-pants with one shot." I guess Jerry and Ben (you might be thinking Ice Cream right now but I'm thinking Twin Peaks) ran out of room while scripting and drawing the comic book! I bet there was supposed to be a page with the blast hitting the ship and ship exploding and crashing into the ground. Or it was always meant to be this idiotic.

And that's pretty much how it ends. Infinity has once again found themselves in a shitty situation. At least this time it doesn't involve a bunch of tangled relationships and junior high school drama. It just involves possibly being killed in a plane crash. Next issue, Jonah Hex will probably shoot and kill them all.

Convergence: Infinity Inc #1 Rating: This issue, more than most of the others, has made me realize exactly what is wrong with Convergence. One twenty-two page issue isn't enough space to revisit Infinity Inc. It really isn't enough space to revisit any of these old characters which is one of the main problems with this Convergence deal. With all the space that's wasted with the Multiversal Thunderdome plot, and the characters having to talk about life under the dome, readers don't really get much time to reacquaint themselves with their old friends. I really appreciate the books that have spent most of the first issue trying to tell a story that avoids the dome and the Convergence as much as possible. The first few pages of this book captured a bit of that drama I expect from Infinity. Too bad that stuff didn't fill the book.

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1

Whoopee! I don't have to go two months without Scott Lobdell!

I have never before read a Dan Garrett Blue Beetle comic book (unless I read one in one of those Secret Origins comics DC likes to publish every few years) but I guarantee that this will be the worst one I'll ever read in my life! That's a fact!

No, no! I shouldn't allow Lobdell's previous New 52 train wrecks on the Teen Titans and Superman and Red Hood to bias my reading of this comic book. The whole point of Convergence is to give us all a chance to start over with a slate already muddied and fucked-up by old DC continuity! And I, for one, will not spoil my chance to be reborn! This is Scott Lobdell's day to shine! This is the day that I will laugh at his stupid fucking jokes! I will marvel at his meta-textual use of the word "meta-textual!" I will not read this while constantly thinking, "This is not a Blue Beetle story. This is a story of a protagonist that can be switched with any other hero in the DC Universe and still work! If by 'work' I mean 'not really make a whole lot of sense but is still kind of story-shaped.'"

This issue takes place on Earth-4 in Hub City! And their opponents? The Legion of Super-heroes from 31st Century Metropolis! Is that why Lobdell got the gig? Because he'll be writing teenagers? Who in the comic book field still thinks Scott Lobdell is good at writing teenagers? I think the only people that buy into his teenage characters are below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! No offense, below average intelligence thirteen year old boys!

If there is one demographic that needs more putting down, it's below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! Stop showing your dick to your classmates and read the fucking text book, kid! I get it! School is bullshit! What an observation! Guess what else is bullshit? Your future! Har!

I hope no below average intelligence thirteen year old boys figure out where I live because they can probably beat the crap out of me.

That one in green and yellow stripes isn't a man! I bet they're not all mad either!

Vic Sage doesn't ask one question during his report. I bet since the dome fell, he hasn't been able to ask a single question! He finally stopped ruining every dinner by shouting, "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?!"

The Madmen have decided to reenact Les Miserables right in the middle of the street and the national guard is not happy about it. Their rendition of "A Little Fall of Rain" was toneless and lacked any sense of heartbreak. "Master of the House" seemed to be played just to emphasize the swearing and the dirty bits. "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" was upbeat and set to a ragtime tune! It was just a complete travesty and the city just wasn't going to stand it any longer. If only The Question could have reprised his role as Jean Valjean but, alas, his ability to ask that one pertinent question went out with the dome.

The Madmen find the critique harsh and disrespectful, leaving them only one choice.

Maybe the national guard would prefer Godspell?

Nathaniel Adam was the guy who yelled fire. You probably know him better as Captain Atom. Get it? His name is Adam and he's a captain! Vic Sage is the Question and he's a reporter with lots and lots of questions he wants answered! And they're both friends with Ted Kord who is the Blue Beetle. I'm surprised Ted Kord gets to be the Blue Beetle but since I really don't know the history of the Charlton Comics, I probably shouldn't be surprised by anything I read. Or everything, actually! One of those. What I'm trying to say is I'm completely ignorant!

Ted Kord has been busy building, according to his assistant Tracy, "another big expensive nothing-burger." That's snappy clever dialogue that will catch on with all the kids! Unless it already caught on with the kids? Is that something the kids say? Or is that something Scott Lobdell thinks the kids say? I wouldn't know because I say things that come out of my own brain instead of totes using things everybody is already saying. I mean, I can't even. You know what I mean, guys?

This is typical Scott Lobdell dialogue. He thinks he's being clever by twisting an old saying but he just winds up writing dialogue that doesn't make sense. So visionary people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results? Sounds about wrong.

Nat Adams pays Ted Kord a visit. Luckily Kord works on his machines with the news broadcasting on a television in his work space so he can point at the news reporter saying "Massacre at the Barricade!" at just the right moment.

Ted: "You're murdering people, you murderer!"
Nat: "I'm keeping the peace through murder! The people want murder! I mean peace! Via murder!"
Ted: "I'm trying to save everybody from the dome!"
Nat: "I'm saving them with murder!"
Tracy: "You guys need to hug and make up! No amount of murders should ruin a friendship!"

Ted and Nat make up because Ted wants to shoot his laser and Nat wants to feel regret for the murders he committed but that would probably take too many pages so he spends one panel remembering them and then everybody moves past the fact that he murdered a bunch of unhappy poor people.

Ted blasts the dome with a laser and Captain Atom gets his powers back! And his ridiculous fucking costume. Can I blame that on Scott Lobdell too? Please?!

What the fuck, you asshole? You couldn't fly through the big fucking hole in the roof that you just saw the lights through?! I'm more angry at this vandalism than the murders!

The light is being caused by Dr. Spectro because he got his powers back as well.

Let me tell you a little something about Scott Lobdell: he doesn't understand rules. Maybe he couldn't come up with a story that didn't revolve around the superpowered Charlton characters so he came up with this cheat about Ted Kord cracking the dome. Then he probably whined and moaned that it's actually a good character moment because out of all the characters in the DC Universe, which one of them would have the ability to crack the dome even slightly? I mean besides all the ones you'd think of before Ted Kord. Get to Ted Kord already and agree with Scott. But this isn't the only proof of Lobdell not being able to play the game that editorial sets up. Remember Flashpoint? Remember how there was no time travel? Remember who brought fucking Harvest in from the future via time travel? Yep! Scott Lobdell! I think. Maybe it was DeFalco.

Anyway, now the dome is up but a bunch of people with super powers are flying around the city.

Fuck, I hate myself. Now I'm tempted to go back and delete my previous lines about being surprised.

This next panel is a real doozy!

This is one of those stupid jokes he would have wedged into any of his comic books.

First, this comic book should be taking place in a time when the phrase "honest injun" probably wasn't a big deal. Second, Nathaniel Adam is a military man and would hardly care about correcting a villain using an insulting term. Third, Nathaniel Adam was just responsible for murdering a dozen poor people in the streets of Hub City so it seems a little hypocritical to be correcting somebody's use of an offensive phrases.

As Cap and Doc bicker about niceties, some Booster Gold motherfucker appears and asks where he might be. My guess is that it really is Booster Gold because his penis needs to have a good time with Blue Beetle's puckered ass. He must have come from an alternate future reality because remember how Scott Lobdell doesn't remember how those things work and how this dome is out of space and time?

I hope whoever is writing the Booster Gold book isn't somebody whose writing I like because I'm probably going to hate that book too if it's crossing over with this one.

Booster Gold disappears and everybody loses their powers. So maybe Blue Beetle's machine did something other than crack the dome. And whatever it did probably makes sense in a way that will make me feel like an asshole for picking apart the story.

No, it won't. I'll be fine.

Telos arrives and tells everybody about that battling deal. Cap gets his power back and Doctor Spectro probably would get his back if he hadn't shattered every bone in his body falling from the sky when he lost his powers earlier. The Question arrives and they all pack into the Beetle's Bug as the dome disappears. Next issue, more shitty writing! Also a battle against the Legion of Super-heroes!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1 Rating: Suckity suck. Some people might be charmed by dialogue like "I suspect Telos is an unreliable narrator" or "I accomplished nothing--nothing!" or "the last thing we need right now is your transcendental nihilistic dime store crap" or "why would I possibly care about offending anyone?" or "this is frustrating." But I see it as Scott Lobdell sprinkling his story with unconscious moments where he's openly talking about his own writing. Poor guy. Maybe one day he'll work through his low self-esteem and hit one out of the ballpark!

Convergence: Action Comics #1

Superman's eyesight is so powerful that he has to squint everywhere he goes or he'll go insane.

The problems with feminism in the modern age are the same problems that plagued feminism in the seventies and beyond. One feminist will believe something that another feminist doesn't believe and they disagree on who is doing feminism better. You know, the whole splitters thing. The problem with this is that it isn't a problem. That's a feature of feminism! The disagreeing is a feature, not the accusing somebody else of not being a feminist simply because they're not doing it the way you would do it. Of course, if their feminism is all about subjugating women, I think we'd have to agree that their feminism might be missing the point. I'm not saying each person gets to define feminism so loosely that it loses all meaning. I'm just saying that, ultimately, feminism is about each individual being allowed to live the life that they want to live without society (you know, the Patriarchy) being a barrier to their dreams and goals. Unless their dreams and goals are, you know, the systematic enslavement and destruction of a certain subset of people based on...well, based on anything, really! Although who am I to genocide shame anybody?

I've always considered myself a feminist simply because I believe in the right of the individual to be who they want to be. But I certainly don't expect anybody to read any of my commentaries and come to the conclusion that I'm a feminist, especially in the current cultural climate. I'm (half!) white. I'm male. I'm heterosexual. I don't believe it's oppression every time the word retard or faggot or nigger or cunt is used (like that time!). Although notice that list (which can be expanded but I don't want to oppress everybody reading this!)? Where is the horribly offensive term for a white heterosexual male, right (even if the list were expanded, I can't think of a slur for a white cishet male (other than calling one a white cishet male! Zing!)? My theory (besides the theory about white cishet males doing all of the oppression in Western Society for so long that they've made up all of the best slurs (I mean best in most effectively used in conjunction with oppressing minorities and not best as in they're so awesome to use all of the time!) is that white males have historically been thought of as the "blank slate" or the "normal" members of society. So they're not told that they're "whatever" simply because they're part of a minority group. From the moment of their birth, they're considered an individual only and they grow up with that mindset. It's the ultimate privilege to not be told you should be a certain way because of your sex or skin color or religion. From birth, white cishet males get to be individuals. And as a "group of individuals," it's hard to come up with a slur that somehow targets and encompasses them all. Also to give credence to the "words as oppressive" argument (notice earlier I said using slurs is not oppression "every time" they're used. Just hearing or seeing the word in neutral context does not constitute being oppressed. Seriously. Buck the fuck up), the minority (and I use that phrase in the context of white cishet males as being the majority benefactors of the current (and historical) Patriarchy) voice cannot be used to oppress the majority. So any slur a minority group can come up with for the majority group will, at best, anger some of the individuals in that majority but can never truly be considered a slur. My high school friend Soy Rakelson used to turn red with rage whenever somebody attacked white males while I just never gave a shit. Because I don't see myself as part of the "white male" group. I just see myself as me.

Identity is key in the discussion of free speech and oppression (I know I'm all over the place here but what do you expect? This is a comic book commentary and not an academic essay!). I have never felt oppressed by speech of any kind because I don't consider myself a part of any overall group (again, this is the biggest privilege of all white cishet males. The ones that get offended by anti-white or anti-male speech are simply making a show of trying to be a victim by pretending that ultimate privilege doesn't somehow exist for them). One of the oppressors key weapons is absolutely language. To fight against the Patriarchy, minorities must form groups based on the traits which the majority uses to oppress the groups. So the Civil Rights movement, which would theoretically wind up benefiting all minority groups, was really a movement for equal rights for black Americans. Feminism is ostensibly about making gender a non-issue but ultimately about equal rights for, once again, all citizens. To fight the Patriarchy, a person in a minority group must ostensibly give up their individuality. They must identify with the group fighting against the powers that be. It's necessary to form a united front. At this point, splitters are dangerous to a movement. First and foremost, it must be about the group identity. And this is when words can (and are, constantly, used to) oppress. The Patriarchy pushes back and uses slurs that target everybody within that group. And everybody in that group must be offended because it is an attack on the movement and what they believe. Words are the front line of all civil rebellion so words used against minority groups must be taken seriously and deemed absolutely inappropriate, and often that's interpreted as in any context (even in a discussion about how these slurs have been used historically and why they should not be allowed).

As a white cishet male, words have never been used as a weapon against me so I can easily support free speech. The thing is, free speech really isn't in any danger of being curtailed no matter how many people angrily rant that their free speech is being eroded because they were called an asshole for calling somebody a retard. You can still call somebody a retard, or review a television show as being gay. It just comes with more social consequences than it did in the eighties. And being called out on being insensitive isn't curtailing your free speech. It's called having to take responsibility for your choices as an adult living in this current cultural climate (which is, believe it or not, a neutral statement by me and not a judgment on the "current cultural climate". Look, I love calling my friends retarded and gay! Because they are! But it's wrong so I don't do it anymore. Unless they do something totally retarded or gay). The fact that people are having discussions about whether or not free speech is dangerous or necessary is testament to how speech is, well, free. People get angry at something. Other people get angry at people getting angry at something. More people get angry at people getting angry at people getting angry at something. And so on and so forth. But nobody is being arrested for having these discussions.

The end of that last paragraph makes it sound like everybody's heads are constantly exploding. But I don't see that at all. Occasionally, you'll see an outbreak of outrage on a variety of levels and from all sides about something on Twitter or Tumblr or Facebook or Whtvr (trademarked!). But for regular, non-troll people that spend a lot of their time on those sites, those moments are few and far between. I see a lot more people just enjoying themselves. And a lot of people agree on a lot of stuff that is seriously good feminism. Yeah, I'm judging their feminism like I said shouldn't be done earlier. But I'm an individual with his own preferences and biases and horrible uses of language and that comes with my own set of horrible opinions that nobody should take any heed of whatsoever.

I know some people probably think I should keep my mouth shut and just listen but that's fucking bullshit propaganda so people don't have to have serious discussions with other people whose views differ slightly from theirs. It's a way to shut up splitters and I won't be a part of that kind of bullying!

Oh! Quickly getting back to the point of it all about splitters and movements and language being used to undermine the messages of those movements! Splitters are inevitable and not a bad thing, ultimately. They will fray a movement if a movement lasts long enough because no group will ever be a perfect representation of all of the members of that group. The group must try to keep from splitting long enough to make changes in the Patriarchy. The Patriarchy uses language to try to cause splitters and get the movement to implode. It's a balancing act for individuals in a movement to disregard their own needs and desires long enough to swing the pendulum of equality as close to the center as possible (dammit! The whole pendulum thing is another digression I should go into! About how the most extreme members of a movement are needed since they create a target for the pendulum to swing far past where it will eventually come to rest. Without the most extreme members of a movement (in feminism, the ones all the white, cishet males (and females too!) will term "feminazis" because they seem so radical (and scary! (not to me! (just to clarify!)))), the pendulum will never move as far as it eventually moves). Once the group has moved that pendulum, splitters will begin to focus on other aspects of the movement that they see as important that other members of the movement might not agree with. So whenever feminists argue about the details (which are important, of course!), they run the risk of eroding the movement which is what the Patriarchy wants, and which the Patriarchy actively encourages. The whole deal with people eschewing the label "feminist" is part of that fight to destroy the movement. If they can make the definition of a feminist seem awful, they can destroy the movement by simply making it unsavory to those that probably actually agree with most of its goals.

To summarize, in some ways (mostly white, cishet male ways), I'm the best feminist ever because I completely support everybody in their right to engage in their own individual pursuits (except for Scott Lobdell. He should stop doing everything he's doing). In other ways (mostly white, cishet male ways), I'm the worst feminist to ever exist! Although I'm not, really. But I can see how people that don't actually know me personally could think that, especially since I can never take anything seriously. I assure you all that I do take things seriously! Just not here on this blog. Sometimes I try! But then I always slip into being facetious and end up undermining everything I previously said. Stupid brain is an asshole.

One more secret about the previous paragraphs: I'm not trying to change anybody's minds or explain anything to them. The preceding is just an expression of what's in my head. It's individual thoughts from an individual and not a manifesto, lecture, treatise, or belief that everybody should view this issue in the same way that I do. I have no historical proof and cite no sources. It's just an expression of one person's opinion based on experience and reading lots and lots of shit. It's also just a lot of rationalizing to justify being whoever the fuck I want to be! Please send dissenting comments to YourMom@hotmail.com.

I don't think I have any space left for writing about Action Comics! This should have been a separate post!

It's surprising that Clark Kent doesn't have a Pulitzer after all of his articles about how great Superman is.

The guy asking for the Kent's autographs is a big fan of their love story. Or his mom was, anyway. He tells Lois that his mother thought Lois was "a hardworking, independent woman taking on the tough stories and always putting herself in harm's way to bring people the truth." After Lois's asshole was nice and clean from this guy's mother's tongue, Lois says that his mother "sounds like a terrific person." I also think everybody that praises me is a terrific person too! Although I really know in my heart that the people who praise me must live with the vilest of evils deep within their hearts because they instinctively recognize one of their own.

Clark revealed his identity to the citizens of Metropolis after the dome fell because that was the best way he knew how to inspire the populace and help them hang on to hope. If they knew Superman was dealing with the same problems, and more since he lost his power, but he was keeping a stiff upper lip about it all, maybe they would be more relaxed and calm about this situation over which they had no control. I guess it worked because everybody seems pretty calm. Except for, you know, that incident with Toyman earlier. But Robin and The Huntress handled that.

Shouldn't Superman be worried about all of the enemies he's made?! Maybe he's best friends with Lex Luthor now that Clark has lost his powers. Lex doesn't have to feel inferior anymore.

Are the geese a symbol I'm not understanding?! Oh! I bet they're Canadian Geese which represents how they're trapped away from home and family and are powerless to do anything about it!

Meanwhile in the Moscow Dome, Communist Superman and Communist Wonder Woman are having a meeting with Communist Stalin and Capitalist Lex Luthor to try to figure out how to control the Communist peasants and/or break out of the dome and/or how to supply everybody with enough toilet paper.

Lex has a theory that they are in a zoo which leads to his next theory that they will be called on to fight with other animals in the zoo. I don't know what kinds of zoos Luthor has been visiting! The closest I've seen to gladiator style zoos was at the Lincoln Zoo in Nebraska where they kept the Tamarin Monkeys in with the Sloths. I have my own theory about that! I think the sloth perceives time so slowly that it doesn't see the Tamarin monkeys at all while the Tamarin monkeys move so fast, they perceive the sloth as an inanimate object.

Nothing is accomplished in the meeting although they did determine that they all hate Lex Luthor.

I don't think Claude St. Aubin was informed that Kara gained fifteen pounds here.

I don't know who Andrew is because I don't know much about Earth-2. But he and Kara seem to be fuck puppets. They've invited Kal and Lois to dinner. I hope they're not interrupted by Planet Brainiac!

I can't really scan double page splashes as well as I'd like because I have a dinky little USB scanner, so I'll just have to say that I love the double page splash which occurs when Kara thinks of the past. It's Power Girl and Infinity Inc. battling Helix and it's glorious! Kara actually looks fifteen pounds heavier in the flashback. Sun-fueled Kryptonian muscle mass must weigh less than human fat.

Back in Moscow, Lex Luthor takes his wife Lois Lane to check out some Russian invisible plane technology. While they're looking at it, Lex throws some shade at the old comics and cartoons that had Wonder Woman visible while the invisible jet flew around the sky. This invisible jet actually hides the pilot! Isn't the future amazing?!

While they're underground, Planet Brainiac sends out the message about the coming Battle Royale. Communist Wonder Woman hears it so she must be battling Superman and Power Girl since Communist Superman is off fighting Robin and The Huntress. Superman and Power Girl hear the message on Kara's balcony after dinner. But nobody yet notices they have their powers back. That's for next time.

Convergence: Action Comics #1 Rating: I apologize for the way I began this commentary. I just want to reiterate that it's not a slam at the way anybody engages in feminism. As I said, I think the differences in everyone's ideologies is part of the point of equality. We are all going to differ by degrees. We should always be able to express our dissent when people put forth ideas with which we don't agree. Dissent is a good thing especially when it's directed at something we hold dear for it gives us an opportunity to expound on why something means so much to us. Unless that dissent comes from a sea lion. Then just fucking ignore it. Some people (and many would include me in those "some people") are dinosaurs that don't yet know they're extinct holding on to beliefs and ideals that have forever left them incapable of engaging in the modern world. I'm old enough to know how many of my own beliefs don't quite fit in with the youthful passion of change and rebellion seen on some places on the internet. But that's the benefit of my viewpoint. It's from a perspective that has seen time and time before what young people believe is happening for the first time. You're not engaging in anything new except for maybe changing the language and terms to try to make your argument more revolutionary. Although you might have to fight harder after the social debacle of the eighties. Take that decade as a warning! The harder you swing that pendulum, the further it'll swing back the other way. Those MRA guys that can't help looking like a joke because of the shit they get angry about? They're probably going to be the push back on the pendulum. If that happens, we're in for a sucky fucking decade.

Oh yeah! This comic was enjoyable. I think. It probably would have been better if Jimmy Palmiotti had been there to help Justin Gray with this typing.

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #1

I can't wait to find out what shape Plastic Man has been stuck in for a year.

It's been well established over the last four weeks of Convergence titles that shapeshifters were stuck in whatever form they were in when the domes dropped. And since Eel spends 95% of his time as a ludicrous shape, he's bound to have spent the last year in a ridiculous fucking manner. I bet he's a patriotic butt plug for Uncle Sam.

The Freedom Fighters (and Plastic Man!) are going to have to battle the Futures End robot heroes. Those Futures End guys already have one win under their belts because they destroyed the Stan Lee DC creations! They can't be stopped. I mean, if the Freedom Fighters defeat them after forty-eight issues of the normal DC Universe heroes never even coming close to winning, I'm going to sue DC Comics for $144.00. We can sue for more if anybody wants to put together a class action lawsuit!

I'd forgotten that about 75% of the previous Convergence books I've read showed Plastic Man shackled to a wall when Telos gives the cities a glimpse of their opponents. And that's how this issue begins. Plas and the Freedom Fighters are in a Nazi prison and, just outside their cell window, some Nazis are building a gallows to hang them all. Luckily Uncle Sam is nowhere to be seen so he's probably going to mount a rescue! Or maybe he's just busy recruiting more bodies for his war.

This issue is drawn by John McCrea and written by not Garth Ennis. It also doesn't star Hitman.

No, I know about the dome. Get to the Nazis!

If this city is run by Nazis, why should the Freedom Fighters fight for its continued existence? I suppose Uncle Sam will ask his fellow fighters to fight for the one or two innocent people still living in the city. Like Abraham trying to convince God not to destroy that place where he goes to fuck prostitutes every weekend, Uncle Sam will try to save the city by negotiating with his team. Too bad their opponents are the Futures End cyborgs. Even the third smartest man on Earth couldn't stop them!

Plastic Man recounts the days leading up to the dome falling on the city. The Freedom Fighters had a plan to lure the greatest Nazi superhero into New York City so that they could beat his ass and strike a blow against fascist socialists everywhere! So they captured the Nazi leader of New York, shoved a bunch of hot dogs up his ass, and duct taped him to a blimp.

He's a despicable Nazi that's committed many war crimes, so are we still supposed to be angry about the Freedom Fighters anally raping him with sausages? I'm a bit unclear where I should stand on that. Wrong? Right? Justice?

Is it ever okay to anally rape somebody with a hot dog? What if they previously anally raped somebody with a hot dog? Then it's justice, right? If you had a time machine, would you go back in time and stuff a Vienna Sausage up baby Hitler's ass?

I'm going to have to put a trigger warning for hot dog rape on this commentary, aren't I?

As the Freedom Fighters battled Silverghost, the dome fell and everybody lost their powers. Silverghost got away and the Freedom Fighters went into hiding. The Nazis took control of the city and everything fell into a nice, comfortable Nazi regime. Everybody lived happily ever after. Nicht!

Uncle Sam is a Goddamned Hippie!

I think I'm almost to the part where they get their powers back right before they're hanged!

I am! I am! Except they get their powers back while in the jail cell. And I didn't have to read Telos's fucking announcement this issue! It's a Nazi Miracle!

The last page of the story actually has a little bit of the speech on it but since it was the last page, I had already been tricked into blowing my wad about not having to read it. Now I feel dirty. Here's the last page of the comic that isn't really part of the story but a glimpse at next month's issue:

You can try to hide your hippie locks under that hat, Sam, but I know they're there now!

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #1 Rating: Once again, an issue where the writer, Simon Oliver, spends one issue basically telling a Plastic Man story (featuring the Freedom Fighters) and ignoring the whole Convergence aspect of the book. Kudos! And I'm always glad to read a comic book drawn by John McCrea. And who doesn't love Nazis?!

Convergence: Shazam #1

Possibly not safe for work!

No matter how heavy a person you are, I commend you on not being fatter. I just ate two Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs and I don't know why I'm not eating twenty more! They're so delicious! We should all be at least 100 pounds heavier than we all actually are. I applaud all of us for our willpower! People look at somebody like that guy that had to have a wall knocked out of his house to leave his bed and think there's something wrong with him. No fucking way. He just decided that he wasn't going to deny himself the pleasure of eating twenty Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs in one sitting. What I don't get is how we aren't all like that guy!

I gained about twenty pounds after my cat and best friend of fifteen years Judas died which puts me at about thirty pounds over the weight at which I feel comfortable. I gained the weight because I just decided fuck everything. I was going to eat a full bag of Oreos whenever I wanted because nothing fucking mattered. The thing is: why don't I think like that when I'm not depressed? The other thing is: I think like that when I'm manic!

Some people don't get fat because they actually treat food as a need and not as a fulfillment of a desire or a luxury. I absolutely do not fucking understand those people. My cousin Jay used to stop eating delicious food while there was still plenty left because he was "full." What the fuck is this "full" feeling?! All I know is that there is more delicious food to put inside of my stomach!

Everybody pat yourself on the back and help yourself to your favorite snack because you are thinner than you probably should be! We all are! Food is so fucking good!

Shazam's Fawcett City is being matched up with the Gotham City of the Gaslight Universe. I never read that universe but I think it has steam and corsets and fog and dandies. The issue begins at the best place any of these issues can begin! Planet Brainiac's speech is just ending and Billy Batson is standing there looking at a domeless sky and hoping that when he says his magic word, he'll be a massively muscled magic man again!

Also this issue was written by Jeff Parker so it might be about Shazam denying food to the people of Gaslight Gotham.

For some reason, Fawcett City's dome removal has been delayed although they've heard Telos give the drill to other cities. So Billy and Mary and Uncle Dudley and Tawny and the other ones all have to wait to turn into Marvels. Although Bulletman and the infantalized Bullet"girl" still have their powers! Whatever they are! I guess putting a bullet shaped bucket on their heads and flying around like idiots? They must use some of that technology that isn't quite improbable enough to have been shut down by the dome.

I'm going to have a third Reese's Peanut Butter Egg now!

Mary and Billy are kept busy acting like Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys. They've got a mystery to solve and, by gum, they're going to solve it! Probably! Or maybe they'll just find a dark alley to kiss in and show each other their thingies! If I had been Billy's age and learned a magic word that turned me into a testosterone pumping man in a leotard, I wouldn't be able to fight crime ever! I'd just be walking around trying to hide my boner behind a math textbook and a Pee Chee folder!

Victim of Crime: "Help us, Captain Marvel! Help us!"
Me: "Umm...just a second! I'll be right...no, no. I have to, um, sit down in the corner for awhile."

Billy and Mary are following Uncle Dudley and Billy's boss Mister Morris because they've been acting strangely all year and now they've snuck off to do probably unspeakable things to each other. Unspeakable if you're a Christian, I mean! I'm from the Bay Area so whatever they're doing, I've probably seen it on television at least once while growing up.

I still haven't eaten my third Reese's Peanut Butter Egg yet! But I did go and grab it so I can stare longingly at it! I love you, Reese's Peanut Butter Egg.

Do you mean weird as in "my stomach feels warm and my labia seem to be swelling," Mary?

I scanned those two panels because I wanted to comment on young Mary's budding sexuality. But I also could have scanned the third panel as well and made some kind of young male prostitute joke about the orphaned Billy.

See? Jeff Parker, you cad!

I appreciate that Jeff Parker has really captured the tone of comics back in the old days. Every time you read one, it reads like a bunch of dirty pervs putting sexually coded messages into magazines they knew were being sold to young children who wouldn't understand the nasty shit they were reading.

This time it doesn't work out so well for Billy because he's scooped up by Mr. Atom! He's a gigantic dildo with arms and legs. He also grabs Mary in his fist and from the look on her face, she's not sure why she's feeling so tingly downstairs! I know, Mary! I know! It's the healthy healing power of vibrations!

"Onions, Billy! I feel like my head is going to blow off! In an extremely good way!"

Mr. Atom takes the kids (one of them is Freddy. Did I forget to mention Freddy joined up with the other two?) into the Monster Society of Evil's underground lair. There they find King Kull, the electrical engineer caveman, busy building something. Probably a bomb. It's always a bomb, isn't it?

Dudley enters with Mister Sterling Morris but it's not Uncle Dudley at all! It's...are you sitting down?!...Doctor Octopus's mind in Dudley's body! I mean Doctor Sivana! Oh no! It looks like the Marvels have finally met their match!

It isn't Dudley's real body. Sivana is just suffering from the curse of the dome in that whatever a person was shapechanged as when it fell, they remained in that guise. So Ibac has been stuck in the form of Sterling Morris for a year, and Sivana has been Dudley. Now they're throwing the kids in a cell with the real Dudley and Sterling just as Tawny the Tiger arrives to save them all!

As Tawny frees the kids, Mister Atom and King Kull enter to point out that the dome has fallen. And we all know what that means, right?

Captain Cheesecake! I mean Marvel!

The Marvels beat the crap, er, I mean tar out of the bad guys and bring the whole subway crashing down on everybody. When the dust clears, they look up into the sky to see a squadron of blimps attacking Fawcett City! It's the Gaslight Brigade!

Convergence: Shazam #1 Rating: Holy smoleys! What a terrific comic book! Jeff Parker nailed the tone! I love how this issue was a complete Billy Batson/Captain Marvel story where they investigate some strange occurrences, find the Monster Society of Evil at the heart of it, and subsequently defeat them handily. It's only after that tale is told that the Gaslight Blimps appear ready for part two. Fucking great job, Parker! And the art! Evan Shaner kicked my ass page after page and I just kept pleading for more! Loved this issue like a rented mule!

Why would anybody beat a rented mule? How cruel! I would love it and cherish it and feed it carrots while kissing it lots and lots!

Also, after having read it, I really feel awful about the inappropriate drawings I made beside Cap's head! Whoops!

Convergence: Justice Society of America #1

Hey DC! Aspiring comic book cover artist here!

For those of you who don't know who the Justice Society of America are (or is?), you should probably ask the internet about them because my explanation will involve, as my stupid editor pointed out, "a lot of ageist bullshit." Because they're fogies!

Speaking of old things that don't matter anymore, whatever happened to outie belly buttons?! Do those things still exist or have doctors stopped trying to yank the umbilical cord out of the baby until the baby's guts are practically hanging out and then, forever after, whenever the baby that isn't a baby anymore takes off its shirt, people begin puking their guts all over the place? I suppose the only reason I never see them anymore is because grown up life isn't like an elementary school playground where people run around lifting their shirts up all the time. Well, most grown up life isn't like that. Maybe outie belly buttons become innies as a person grows up and can afford plastic surgery?

Now my editor is saying that I can't judge outie belly buttons because it's a medical disfigurement due to blah blah blah blah! You're fired, editor! How did you like reading that, hanh?! I bet if you weren't fired, you'd be telling me I can't tell you you're fired! But you are! So there!

Whenever somebody online calls somebody else "gross," I always picture that person as an outie belly button.

Doctor Fate looks pretty cool from the waist up. But what's up with the nappies? Is Nabu not potty trained?

Jay Garrick's pants are pretty tight. You know who else had tight pants? Jack Tripper. Because of Three's Company, I can perfectly picture Clifford's cock in my mind's eye.

That opening page was five hours after the comic book starts. When the comic book begins, Jay Garrick is an old man and Alan Scott is a radio DJ. I don't know who I feel worse for.

Jay has come to the hospital to visit Kent Nelson who is also old but he's in a coma. I'm envious of Kent Nelson! I wish I were in a coma! What an easy life!

I guess Kent's helmet doesn't work under the dome. I bet he was wearing it when the dome fell and that's why he's now in a coma. Or it could just be because he's so old. He looks to be about a hundred and two.

See?! Jay gets it!

Jay leaves Kent and heads off to climb up a fire escape to a roof where Hector and Carter Hall (Silver Scarab and Hawkman!) are having a boring conversation about the dome. It's mostly boring because the art is just shots of an old guy and a young guy standing around potting plants. Once Jay makes it up the fire escape, Hector takes off so the old guys don't have to look at his young, well-muscled, probably thick cocked body and pine for the good old days when they still had some good old days ahead of them. The old fellas head inside to drink some tea and speculate as to the sexuality of Alan Scott.

Eventually they get a phone call from Alan Scott saying that Kent Nelson has opened his eyes. They all head down to the hospital to be together when Planet Brainiac calls them to the carpet. Is that the right saying?! I wish I had an editor!

Writing on the internet is tricky. I want that last paragraph to remain as it is but it really makes no sense if I'm on the internet and I can actually check to see that the statement isn't right for the situation. I leave myself open for the "Let me Google that for you" crowd to call me out on the carpet. Jerks.

Before the speech even finishes, a Qwardian Robocop comes flying into the city to bust it up. I guess since these are boring old guys, they need to fight a boring old Qwardian robot. Speaking of old guys, weren't there any women in the Justice Society of America? Hawkwoman? Wonder Woman? Um. Some other one?

Stupid magic. Who needs it if it has such high costs?! I thought magic was supposed to be easy and free. Stupid comic book rules.

They all agree because being old men sucks.

Convergence: Justice Society of America #1 Rating: No wonder comic book companies think that kids don't want to read about adult superheroes. I'm an adult and I don't want to read about old men superheroes! Which is weird because when I was a little kid, old men were my favorite people in the world! I guess I'd still find old men as interesting and fascinating as I did back then except that they now remind me of my mortality. When an old person talks to me, I just hear, "Blah blah blah empty expanse of non-existence blah blah blah." Jerks! Take your hard candy and stop threatening me with eternal doom by your mere presence alone! Other than being slightly boring and existentially threatening, this issue was decent.