Dark Knight Universe Presents: World's Finest #1

I get that Frank Miller put out some seminal comic book works but can't we pretend he doesn't exist now?

The cover to this mini-comic confuses me. Why are Supergirl and Wonder Woman searching for a missing contact lens on top of the Bat Signal? And why is Wonder Woman wearing a fake chin and an anal bead wig? What is going on with Supergirl's ass? Is there currently a Kryptonite butt plug up there? And why is her head made out of wood? Did Wonder Woman always wear moccasins?

The issue begins with Batgirl wearing her terrible costume. I think she's only wearing it because it was a gift from The Batman. Some people don't have the constitution to simply throw away terrible gifts from family and friends. Some people feel obligated to appreciate any shitty gift they're given. I'm not one of those people. I even take pleasure in shredding Christmas photos of friends' children and pets. Nearly anything anybody gives me that I never explicitly mentioned wanting or needing is simply future garbage. And if Batgirl felt the same way, I wouldn't have to look at her in that hideous green and purple costume. What was Batman thinking? Not only is the color scheme terrible, there is a bat symbol on Batgirl's ass and back as well as her chest. Is that to confuse criminals? They are a superstitious and cowardly and terrible at anatomy lot!

Supergirl has decided to confront Batgirl and tell her that she doesn't like her. It's a time honored ritual of young girls. This time it takes place on the roof of the Gotham Police Station but usually it takes place at the roller rink or a school dance.

The main thing I learn from the conflict (which I could have learned from the cover) is that Frank Miller loves to draw wedgies. He's got a real old man perv thing for wedgies, doesn't he? Ugh. Now I'm imagining he must have masturbated multiple times to his own work while drawing this. I bet the original artwork glows under ultraviolet light.

Some of you reading this may already know this story since you were probably teenage girls at one point. Supergirl tells Batgirl that she hates her. Batgirl tells Supergirl that she never even thinks of her. Supergirl makes a face. Batgirl tries to avoid the situation. Supergirl blocks her escape. Batgirl tells Supergirl she's ugly. Supergirl finds she's losing the power in the situation and begins to look around for peer back-up. Instead, Supergirl's mother restrains her. Oh man. Just wait until school on Monday when everybody hears about that! This confrontation totally backfired!

The conflict turns into a wrestling match between mother and daughter and now I'm absolutely sure that the original artwork glows under an ultraviolet light. I have a feeling Frank Miller drew the women throughout this entire scene naked and Klaus Janson had to put their clothes back on when he inked it.

What's the sound of one old man fapping?

After the fight, Supergirl sheds a single tear and runs away screaming, "Nobody loves me!" If she's anything like my sister was at that age, she'll be at her grandmother's house manipulating them into taking her to McDonald's now.

The Rankings!
Why am I going to include the rankings for this mini-comic insert?! You don't see me reviewing the comic books that came with He-man figures! I take this shit seriously, dammit!

Convergence: World's Finest #2

"To save the world, Scribbly Jibbet, you must man this "Victory" hole for 24 hours! God speed, brave hero!"

I wish more people reading my blog would ask me questions the way they ask other celebrities questions (shut up! My mother says I'll always be a celebrity to her!). Why isn't my Inbox full of questions like, "I think this thing very strongly (which is the completely right way to think which is why I thunked it up) and was wondering if I'm right to believe this thing because nobody knows right and wrong better than a celebrity!" Or "I want to do a thing very badly and need a celebrity to tell me it's okay to do this thing so here are all the reasons why you should probably agree with me and I loved that thing you did that time before you became washed up!" Or "You made a joke about a thing that was very funny and now I'm sending you this joke that is basically your joke again but I'm repeating it back to you which is so funny because I totally get the joke and I'm probably making it funnier unlike the other five thousand people who probably sent this same exact message to your Inbox because average people are so totally hilarious and not famous like you but they could be if only people noticed them." Or "I love you so much that I want to sex you in the baddest way possible all the time! And for free even!" Or "I would like to give you a lot of money so give me your bank account number and I will deposit loads of money into it and I promise this is not a scam at all."

Boy! I can't wait to be a big celebrity! I wish more people acted the way Raegan and Lexie and Sarah acted when I followed them on Twitter! Why can't more people be as enthusiastic as junior high school girls?! The world would be so much more fun! I wish I had more than three fans! Poo!

I'm going to contact my agent and tell him to get me published already! I'm tired of him lollygagging on penises instead of sending my fantastic Great American Novels to publishers! I'll never hire an agent from an ad in a comic book ever again!

Speaking of segues, here is a comic book I am reading: Convergence: World's Finest starring Scribbly Jibbet, Sir Justin (the nick of time! Har!), and Victory the Winged Horse! They all went on an adventure together. I think Scribbly was allowed to accompany the heroic knight because he's kind of like a bard except more lame seeing that he's an editorial cartoonist. Even the people who wipe down porn actors between takes have a more respectable job. That actually sounds like a good job! You get to grope women and get paid to do it! You also have to grope men half the time as well (or more than half depending on the film!) but it would totally be worth it. I wonder how you get into the business of jizz mopping?

The action begins with a Weaponer of Qward attacking The Shining Knight and Scribbly Jibbet. Mostly he's attacking The Shining Knight while Scribbly Jibbet pees his pants.

Journalists are such selfish narcissists! "I'm going to became famous by publishing a story about observing the same thing everybody else can observe! Only I can put things into a profound perspective that nobody else can! I will be a celebrity! People will send me messages! I will have sex for the first time!"

Sir Justin ditches Scribbly because Sir Justin is trying to save the world while Scribbly is just trying to write an article to win a Pulitzer. Among journalists, the Pulitzer is referred to as "The Panty Dropper." Maybe only among male journalists. And lesbian journalists. And not gay male journalists. How many more exceptions do I have to mention before I can be assured that nobody will accuse me of erasing somebody?!

Meanwhile, Vigilante drives into a Qwardian Dance Off.

And I'm fairly certain Crimson Avenger engages in a hate crime.

I wonder if Crimson Avenger finds it annoying that Vigilante never gets off his stupid motorcycle. Is he jealous that the other two soldiers still standing aren't actually standing? How come he doesn't get a vehicle? Or pants?

I guess Sir Justin doesn't have pants either. But he gets to wear a skirt so only pervs on the subway get to look at his underwear.

Telos transports The Shining Knight and the Weaponer of Qward to an old fashioned medieval arena. I guess Telos wants to give Sir Justin the advantage! He's playing favorites! I guess I would be too. If Qward wins, that means the most boring place in this whole competition will get to win! After 30th Century Metropolis, I mean!

He's not deserting you! He's just going to write down his brilliant idea for a new editorial cartoon! And by brilliant I mean the exact opposite of brilliant with a load of boring thrown in! Scribbly is the worst!

I don't know if Sir Justin is winning his fight because the action keeps following Vigilante, Crimson Avenger, and the Qwardian Dance Parties.

Vigilante and Crimson Avenger just dropped some ecstasy and are ready to groove.

Scribbly Jibbet has left Metropolis to hunt down Sir Justin. As he climbs a cliff to get to the battlefield, he thinks about the best times of his life: drawing cartoons; kissing one girl; creepily watching children in the park; talking with babies. Wow. I thought my life was boring! At least I got to excitedly use semi-colons incorrectly! Oh! And have sex with loads and loads of hot women who all practically begged for more!

Scribbly Jibbet arrives just in time to see Victory save Sir Justin's life! By raping the Weaponer of Qward!

Neigh means neigh!

The Weaponer stabs Victory and I can't say Victory didn't deserve it because that whole ass-rape thing was totally uncool. There's fighting fair and there's fighting dirty and then there's raping the person you're fighting. One of those things is totally wrong! The last one. Also, the second one might not be too cool either, depending on the situation. Like if you're a greaser and you're getting your ass kicked, it's probably okay to pull a switchblade and stab the guy. But if you're a boxer and you're losing, you probably can't just kick your opponent in the crotch.

Before Scribbly can sacrifice himself to save the day, the Qwardians Dance Party breaks up and the Qwardians begin looting the city. First they raid the Farmer's Market and eat up all the vegetables. Then they go have aperitifs down at Le French Place. But before they can really dig into a fancy meal, a cop shows up and begins punching them in the face. He doesn't even read them their rights! Metropolis cops are as dirty as Gotham cops! And all the other cops in fictional and non-fictional cities in the United States!

Here's a way to tell if your friend on Facebook is racist! Do they post a message about supporting police whenever police get caught on camera for acting like violent monsters? Hmm, I thought I was going to be saying something insightful there but it just came out as painfully obvious!

They're really flying high on that X! And yet Crimson Avenger still wants more!

Up on Battle Mountain, Scribbly saves Sir Justin's life without having to sacrifice his own. I guess he's going to live to draw bad cartoons after all! With the help, Sir Justin beats the Weaponer of Qward. But when Sir Justin shows mercy, Telos arrives to end the competition without a winner. Telos sends them back to their cities to await whatever oblivion shall befall them. Metropolis had better hope that the earthquake hits before they become nonexistent! I don't want a DC Universe without Scribbly Jibbet!

On second though, let him go!

Convergence: World's Finest #2 Rating: Five Crying Eagles out of Ten. I wish this issue had concentrated more on the Qwardian Dance Parties and Vigilante making out with Crimson Avenger in the Chill Room.

Divergence: We Are Robin!
"Spinning out of the pages of BATMAN...a new Robin? No, HUNDREDS of new Robins!"

Do we really need that many Robins? Aren't we good with the half dozen we already have? Although with this many Robins, DC Comics can enjoy their favorite pastime every month and never run out of Robins! Although they might run out of available plots down at Gotham Cemetery.

The story is about a bunch of DCYouths who chat on their phones and fight crime and rebel against authority and give it to the man and show adults how life as a teenager is so hard, you can't even!

I'll probably enjoy it!

Convergence: World's Finest #1

Who the fuck is this guy?

The issue begins with this little vandal drawing Superman's picture in some wet cement and signing his name: Scribbly. He's Narration Boxing like a modern character so he must be a genius comic book character way ahead of his time. Although he seems to be about five years old while having his first memory. I don't remember my first memory because I'm an idiot. I think it was when I had super hot sex for the first time at like two years old. That might not be sexy from your point of view but it is from mine! Also it was totally consensual so don't go assuming I was abused or anything that might make me look less like I'm not lying about having had sex and at a totally early age because I'm such a lady's man.

This was 1940 when strange adults were allowed to smack little kids committing acts of vandalism so I imagine Scribbly's second memory was getting the tar beat out of him by the two cement layers standing nearby watching him fuck up their work.

Forty years later and it's 1980! Scribbly is now an editorial cartoonist (specializing in super hero jokes) and still a virgin! It's okay to call him a virgin because it's a fact and not an insult. Some facts just seem like insults because they're so embarrassing. But that's you projecting Scribbly's embarrassment onto him. He wasn't embarrassed about not ever having sex with women like he always wanted to because he would just lie and tell everybody that he totally had sex and started having sex at two years old like a manly toddler man.

Scribbly was not just an editorial cartoonist but also a reporter for the Metropolis Piece Of Shit Gazette. He was also the janitor and the night watchman. He loved his job and loved superheroes. But most of all he loved...he loved Metropolis!

Five years later, Crisis on Infinite Earths began threatening Earth-2 with destruction. But Scribbly kept right on scribbling!

Scribbly was also kind of stupid in a lot of little ways. He might even be able to take over Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

Vigilante runs the "river horse" into a brick wall and it is knocked unconscious. That's when Scribbly is kidnapped by Pterodactyls (which means, I think, Screechy Winged Barbecue). Green Arrow and Speedy leap to the rescue. Green Arrow fires a bunch of explosive arrows to rattle the Pterodactyl so it loses its grip on Scribbly and Speedy shoots a net arrow to catch him. Except Speedy really fucking screws up. He screws up so badly that the net is ineffective and Green Arrow and Speedy himself fall off the building they're firing arrows from. What a jerk! Worst sidekick ever!

It also could have been the earthquake that screwed up the rescue attempt. But who's to say that Speedy didn't cause the earthquake, hmm?

Sir Justin and his trusty Pegasus (which means, probably, "stupid jerk that doesn't know horses can't fly") swoop in and save the Scribbly's day! But he can't save Green Arrow or Speedy's day so they just fall on the street below and die. It's totally hilarious.

And then the dome fell. Victory the Pegasus lost her wings. Excalibur lost its razor sharp edge (unless Sir Justin's sword's name was Stormbringer). And Sir Justin himself began to age. Because he's like 2000 years old or something.

After the dome fell, life went on. Just like in all the other Convergence issues! Scribbly kept doing editorial cartoons and not all of them featured a comment on the dome.

Some dealt with dying heroes! This one is particularly humorous.

Scribbly noticed some people gave up their jobs as meaningless now that the dome had fallen. But not him! He knew his job as an editorial cartoonist was important! He says, "My old art teacher taught me that cartoons created laughter and laughter was the best medicine...". I bet! That cartoon where Stripesy lay dying was a laugh riot! And the one he drew of a tombstone with the word hope on it? Hilarious!

But then one day while Scribbly is off flirting with Victory, the dome fell! Victory's wings returned! Excalibur's blade grew sharp! Sir Justin became young and sexually virile again! And Scribbly was already thinking of a hilarious cartoon about the dome disappearing and a lone tear dropping from Superman's eye as he flies past an eagle tap dancing on Hitler's grave!

And then...SURPRISE!...Telos! Boy, I thought it was going to be different this time.

Sir Justin and Scribbly are the world's finest?

I bet Scribbly comes up with a hilarious cartoon which causes Telos to laugh for the first time! He then changes his mind and saves all the universes. No, not really! Scribbly will probably just die.

Convergence: World's Finest #1 Rating: We don't get characters like Scribbly too often nowadays, do we? Or characters like Ma Hunkel's Red Tornado! Is that a good thing? Probably. I think I'm going to take over Scribbly's job as an editorial cartoonist! And heres's my first cartoon: