Convergence: Batman and Robin #1

Oh boy! Ron Marz writing! I have not been kind to Ron Marz in the past.

This will be my first Convergence issue that isn't the weekly mini-series so I'll find out how it's going to work here. Besides the whole Multiversal Thunderdome plot, I don't really know how these stories are supposed to work. Is Red Hood from DC Comics in 2007 going to wander over and bump into 1990 Tim Drake Robin while 1987 Batman watches creepily? The only thing I know for sure is that a whole lot of writers whose writing I have described in many horrible ways have come back to be a part of the fun. Marz. Nicieza. Wolfman. Tieri. Lobdell. Maybe this whole Convergence thing isn't just a competition to see which characters get to come back into the DC Universe but also a second chance for crappy writers. I wish Liefeld wasn't so butthurt by DC Comics because I'd love to comment on more of his books. He's terrible! And I'm talking about his writing!

I notice Howard Mackie's name isn't on any of the Convergence titles. I guess DC Comics actually has some standards when it comes to hiring writers.

Now I feel bad for saying that about Howard Mackie. No, wait! Inspecting my feelings a little closer and I feel bad for Howard Mackie because he's such a crappy writer.

The inside cover of the issue has the fight card on it.

The sure bet for overall winner is the Pre-Flashpoint Universe so look for Batman (Bruce Wayne version with underwear) to beat ass on Batman (Thomas Wayne version). Unless this story takes place after Batman read his dad's letter and then maybe look for tears and hugs.

I don't know anything about El Inferno. But I am looking forward to the Extremists murdering every single member of the Amazing Zoo Crew. Of course, they'll just spring back to life due to cartoon physics and then pelt the Extremists with pies and carrots.

The issue begins with Mr. Freeze stomping on Poison Ivy's berries. I guess it's Arkham's annual field trip to the farm since alongside Mr. Freeze are Black Mask, Killer Croc, Man-Bat, and The Penguin. The Penguin wants to control the food production here in Gotham's new home on Telos. But he must have Space Madness because instead of working with a bunch of his usual thugs, Oswald thinks it's a good idea to use the Arkham crew as his gang. If there's one criminal in Gotham I would think was smart enough to avoid working with these guys, it's The Penguin. But what can you do? It's a new world! But then Oswald makes another mistake by having Man-Bat fly Poison Ivy out of her garden. How do you think the food is being produced out here, you idiot? Good luck getting anything to grow without Poison Ivy around. Besides, isn't Planet Brainiac supposed to be providing everybody with everything they need? It seems like a lot of work and hassle to make a bunch of useless money, Penguin.

But then Batman and Robin appear to save Poison Ivy's farm! Hooray!

Batman's flying vehicle was an ugly piece of shit back before Flashpoint!

Wow! I forgot how much better Pre-Flashpoint Batman and Robin were! This is so different! See how Damian Wayne has a big stick and he's mouthing off to his father?! You can just feel the sense of history tied to these characters after being told which version they are! How could DC Comics have thrown this magic away for The New 52!? And by "magic," I mean Batman's outside underwear.

"Or is that a batarang in your pocket?"

Mister Freeze gives up immediately because he's got my attitude if Portland were ever transported to a mystery planet and trapped beneath a dome. Who fucking cares about anything anymore after that? Time to just get drunk and read shit until I died.

Damian's really improved his one-liners while battling villains. When he sees Black Mask, Damian is all, "Why did they invite you?", which is a major burn. Good one! Then he follows that up with "Trick-or-treating?" Ha! See, because Black Mask wears a mask! Okay fine. Those were terrible lines and it proves that Damian is as enthusiastic about this bullshit existence as Mister Freeze is. Maybe Damian will regain his love of battling super villains once he realizes he's battling for his timeline's survival. Or maybe he just can't help sounding like an unimaginative clod because he's being written by Ron Marz.

Red Hood arrives to help subdue Killer Croc while Batman and Robin decide to ignore the fact that he's wearing a Red Hood not just to rub his death in Batman's face every time he sees him but to probably obscure his identity as well. So they're all, "Jason? Jason Todd?" And he's all, "Yup! That's me! The Red Hood!" Meanwhile Mr. Freeze is scribbling furiously into his notebook from behind a bush.

Red Hood leaves as quickly as he dropped by, letting Batman know that he and some woman named Scarlet who flies a helicopter will still be around.

Back at the Batcave, Damian loses his shit because he's a little asshole and he's also not being written by Peter J. Tomasi.

To be fair to Damian, Bruce did shake Jason Todd's hand which is more intimacy and fatherly love than he's ever shown to Damian. Usually when Bruce gets emotional towards Damian, he lets it out by telling Alfred how he could hug Damian right about now.

Alfred drops by and I'd forgotten how tiny he was Pre-Flashpoint!

"Master Bruce, can I touch up your mascara and rouge?"

Fuck me. Batman didn't do anything wrong! Jason Todd kicked Killer Croc off of Batman's shoulder and incapacitated the beast. Then he shook Batman's hand and said he'd be around. And Batman was all, "Hey, Damian, you little shit. Stop worrying about that asshole and ask me if my shoulder wound is okay, you fucking prick!" Oh wait. Yeah, that was probably a bit harsh.

Batman heads into the study to speak with a picture of his father, Thomas Wayne. That's probably why Bruce is such a horrible father. He's taking fatherly advice from an inanimate object. He's all, "I don't know how to be a dad because you were never there for me! I mean, you were totally there for me for a few years so much so that I could never cope with your death when you were killed. But after that, where were you?! Now because of that, I don't know how to raise Damian! Boo hoo!" It's not like Bruce didn't have years to learn how to be a father with Dick and Jason and Tim! That wasn't practice enough? I think the real problem is that Bruce just doesn't like Damian enough to try being a good father to him.

Where the fuck is Captain Carrot already?! I'm starting to think he might not ever appear in this book. Shouldn't the other worlds be intruding on this one? Where are the Extremists? Where's Thomas Wayne to hug Bruce and say, "You will be the best father ever!" And then Bruce will be all, "Thanks dad! That's all I ever wanted to hear!" Meanwhile within hearing range, Alfred starts pulling out his hair and punching holes in all of the Bruce portraits around the house.

"While you were busy speaking to ghosts, your son was busy trying to get your attention. Now he's probably dead in a ditch. Good job, sir."

I hope Damian has run off to join the Amazing Zoo Crew. Or the Extremists! Maybe he'll run into his grandfather who will introduce him to Miraclo or Venom!

Batman chases after Damian and finds him attacking Red Hood. Scarlet stands nearby while Jason Todd yells at her, "Stay out of this, Scarlet! And don't say any lines! And don't be interesting at all!"

Batman arrives to break up the fight and Damian continues to act like an uninteresting little shit and asks which one of them Batman came to save. What an insecure little fuck. Pre-Flashpoint Damian is the worst! Although it could be that Ron Marz's writing is the worst! I really can't figure out which is at fault. According to Tumblr, Preboot characters were all so much better than their Reboot counterparts, right? So it must be Ron Marz's writing that's to blame.

Batman doesn't have a chance to answer that he was obviously going to save Jason Todd because Damian would probably murder him if he gets the chance. He's interrupted by Planet Brainiac saying, "Welcome to Multiversal Thunderdome, bitches!" That's the abridged version which you'll be seeing me type a lot in the next month.

That's when The Extremists (minus Lord Havok. I am disappoint) arrive! More importantly, Scarlet gets to say something super boring!

Convergence: Batman and Robin #1 Rating: Awful. What a piece of shit. I now know that I'll have at least one regret on my deathbed. This issue was just a shitty version of The New 52 Batman and Robin except with some different costumes and a woman named Scarlet. Damian and Bruce are having trouble getting along. Damian is jealous and angry at Jason Todd. Jason Todd is all, "What the fuck, kid?" Alfred is keeping a better eye on Damian than Bruce is. The portrait of Thomas Wayne is all, "...". The Extremists appear and are all, "We're probably not all robots!" Okay, that part wasn't just a crappier version of Tomasi's comic book for The New 52. But even when that happened, I was less than impressed by the Extremists' roster.

Convergence #1

Jesus Christ. I still have to read World's End? And even worse, Scott Lobdell is co-writing it!

Now that the back story has been explained in Convergence #0, I hope we dive right into the different realities battling each other. It's Hunger Royale but better because I know all of the combatants. I have to hope that Batman and the Outsiders take the title because Halo is dreamy. Although I don't even really know how the realities are going to compete with each other. I think they're just going to mix and match so that fans can see some of their favorite characters interact with some of their other favorite characters that they normally, under normal DC Rules, wouldn't be able to interact with.

And by "interact," of course I mean fuck.

Convergence begins with Planet Brainiac destroying the heroes of Injustice Gods Among Us. I think. That's one comic book I haven't been reading because I've been avoiding the video game tie-ins, no matter how good they are. Look, I'm not reading comic books based on how good they are! I'm just reading a whole bunch of arbitrarily grouped comic books because I'm a masochist and an idiot. If I was into well-written comic books, do you think I would have picked up this one with Scott Lobdell's name right there on the cover? I'm, at the very least, smart enough to know he's a horrible writer. Don't anybody tell him I said that, though. I don't want him to be a horrible writer and sad that people know he's a horrible writer. It's bad enough he has to live with the knowledge every day. I'm sure his garage full of X-men money helps console him.

Planet Brainiac mentioned one of the experiments of Mega-Brainiac being a failure and then said it was an injustice last issue. So this must be the collected timeline that he was talking about. It's probably a failure because, within it, Superman hasn't sacrificed himself for a kitten stuck in a tree.

After the Injustice Gods Among Us world is destroyed, Planet Brainiac returns to an empty expanse of dirt and rocks. But then a super gay portal opens up in the sky and a Dick falls out! It's Dick Grayson of Earth-2! I really don't think he's going to find his son way out here. Replacement Batman also falls out of the portal which, as you might be able to tell because I called it "super gay," was probably opened by Alan Scott in a last ditch desperate attempt to flee from Darkseid. Especially since the Mister Misters ditched these guys. I imagine Alan, Val, The Flash, and Barbara Grayson won't be far behind.

Everybody but Babs appears (she'll be a big surprise to Dick so they can't bring her immediately along with everybody else) and Val wonders where they are. Replacement Batman, who, I suppose now that the whole Earth-2/World's End thing is over, I'll just start calling Batman, has some thoughts about that!

Those aren't thoughts about where y'all are! That's just a restating of events with a pretty flimsy speculation tacked onto the end!

Dick Grayson punches Batman in the face for expressing that opinion. While it might not have been very informative, I don't think it deserved a sock to the jaw. I wouldn't be blaming Batman because you lost your stupid kid, Dick! That's on you for constantly abandoning him and then three seconds later regretting your decision. Don't make me start hating Dick Grayson again! I thought those years of my life were over now that Dick finally matured and became a peer to Batman. I know this Dick Grayson doesn't have anything going for him because he's a hack writer and a crappy father and even worse husband who just sat back and watched his wife get shot. At least he won't have to live with that failure for much longer since Babs is right there on the cover waiting to ask him where their son is.

After Dick blames everybody except Darkseid for the death of all of the Twofers, Jay Garrick punches him in the throat. He's all, "I lost my fucking mother, you asshole! And by 'fucking mother,' yes I mean I was fucking her!" I wonder if Val is going to get caught up in all the punching and decide violence looks fun.

Whoops! Wrong red head. I guess Babs is still taking her dirt nap. You can see how I would have been mistaken since the colorist has kind of gotten the skin tone wrong.

I bet Jay Garrick begins zipping around digging at the ground hoping he'll find his mom to reenact this scene.

Alan Scott knows nothing about the portal that brought them here even though it looked just like all the colored light shows he created once he integrated all of the other Avatars. I guess Planet Brainiac collected them himself but since he's new at it, he was only able to capture a few people instead of a whole city. Or maybe that stupid fucking Oracle works for Mega-Brainiac and it transfers timelines to Mega-Brainiac's collection. I'm sure Planet Brainiac will be along in a page or two to explain everything.

Planet Brainiac is just new at his job and totally incompetent.

Planet Brainiac might be a little Space Mad. I think he's just making shit up now because he's been isolated from everything (including time and space) for so long. So he takes it as a sign that collecting these people without a city means they're the last of the objects to ever be collected. The fact that his Master has disappeared is probably a pretty good sign too. But since these are the last occupants of Hunger Royale World (aka Telos), it's time for some motherfuckin' MULTIVERSAL THUNDERDOME!

Apparently, just like Thunderdome and all of the other Thunderdome knock-offs, two (or more!) cities enter and just one city leaves. The winning city gets to be reinstated into the DC Universe. Come on, Batman and the Outsiders! Kick some ass!

This issue ends with ten more comic book worlds that will make an appearance in Convergence. My personal favorite in this grouping is the League of Shadow Universe from Doom Patrol #53. That's basically another Marvel satire universe. If I remember correctly, that story was a parody of "This Man...This Monster!" And even though the Doom Patrol universe is going up against some pretty good competition like Reverse Gender Universe and New Frontiers Universe and Animal Man's Dreamworld, I've got to root for the good old Doom Patrol!

Convergence #0

Time for some repressed memories, Superman!

I have a confession to make: I'm not a very good comic book fan. I read how angry and disappointed fans have been of DC Comics and their New 52 and I realize that I don't share their passion for these characters. I can point out how horribly a character is currently being written and can generally point out where the writer has failed, but I definitely don't have the passion to declare that the character is forever ruined and that only one specific writer can ever do justice to that character. Perhaps it's just my age. I've been around since Crisis on Infinite Earths so I know how these things work. People fall in love with the first version of the character they read. And then things inevitably change because writers change and editors have stupid ideas but mostly just because comic books aren't about telling stories about characters whose lives will finally culminate in an ending that gives justice to their origin and their middle adventures. Comic books are about characters in stasis. They, generally, have a solid beginning and then that's about it for them. The rest of their stories are based on and around that origin. Batman continues to do what he does because he saw his parents murdered in an alley. Peter Parker does what he does because he failed his Uncle Ben. Superman does what is right because his parents were overly nice farmers without a hateful bone in their bodies.

Man, just think if Ma and Pa Kent had been racist! Sorry, I'm digressing! Back to the point!

The main reason I can't be completely passionate about comic books and their characters is because they are not living any kind of typical arc you find in literature. Their story will never have an ending. There will be no lesson learned, no happily ever after, no return home after a lengthy journey. It is all simply journey and journey and more journey. And because of this lack of ending, their middle parts (which is everything in comic books) can only play off of where they've been with just a hint of a shadow of where their current (and current (and current)) actions may eventually lead them. Nothing is ever going to be wrapped up in a nice little bow so every character will eventually disappoint their fans. Maybe it will be because the writer doesn't understand the character's basic motivations that have been in existence for over fifty years. Perhaps the problem will be that the writer has just simply come up with an idea that doesn't quite work. Although a lot of the time, a writer just sucks fucking balls. Sometimes a company needs to find a way to modernize their heroes. Or they pull something like The New 52. It's all pretty much the same thing. Comic book characters stay the same age but times change around them. Finding a way to keep them relevant while staying loyal to their roots is something with which comic book companies must continuously struggle. And no matter what they do, a passionate fan base is going to be angry with them.

I'm not a good fan because I, apparently, look forward to the big changes instead of being angry that my familiar world has been rent asunder (with the exception of making Amanda Waller a deadly fighter and skinny. Fuck that shit, assholes!). I first really got into comic books when I heard about Crisis on Infinite Earths. Big changes and exciting times. I then eventually left comics for about eight years before returning for The New 52. Taking a chance like this was an exciting idea. And, of course, it was a gimmick. But the only people still complaining about comic book gimmicks are probably people new to the fandom. Gimmicks are a staple. Death and resurrection is a staple. New writers and artists and attempted (often aborted) retcons to add excitement to old characters is a staple. Change is a fucking staple of this industry. If you can't handle constant change, you should probably not be a comic book fan (or a Star Wars fan!). You should probably read Lord of the Rings because that isn't changing at all. Although I guess those fans have had quite a time bitching about the movies, amirite?!

And now Convergence. Whatever the hell this is, I know one thing about it! It's change in a big way. Maybe. Oh, how the fuck should I know? I don't read solicits or interviews so the only thing I really know about this series is that DC is moving to the West Coast (change!) and so they needed time to recover and to slap a new face on The New 52 (change!). And it all starts here with Superman and Brainiac and a shared moment in a black hole a few months back.

Technically, Brainiac, "universe" and "timeline" are synonyms for the same thing. And when I said "Brainiac" I wasn't calling him by name. That was an insult!

Brainiac lets Superman know that this has all been a test. Vril Dox (who was just an extension of this Brainiac) wanted to "break Superman's famous resolve" by getting Superman to kill him. It apparently worked although Superman is shocked to hear that he killed somebody. I mean, sure, he killed Doomsday just before Vril Dox came to Earth but does that really count? And even if Superman did kill Vril Dox, didn't Brainiac just point out that every Brainiac is just an extension of Outside of Time and Space Brainiac? So nobody was really killed by Superman at all, right?

Obviously I mean besides Doomsday.

Judging by Superman's sudden five o'clock shadow and that he's now chained to a huge machine, I take it Superman passed out from the shock of hearing he killed somebody. Brainiac continues to explain his reasons for luring Superman into his black hole. He's simply a huge fan, and a bit of a stalker, and pretty decent voyeur. He has watched every Superman in every timeline across the vast, infinite multiverse and he's reached a conclusion: Superman loves to sacrifice himself for other people. But he never seems to do it when Brainiac is the antagonist. So I think Brainiac is a little bit butthurt. But he's going to change that this time! Or all times? Or this no time?

Brainiac leaves Superman chained up while he goes to pay Superman's universe a visit (or all of Superman's universes. Convergence!). But Superman, being, you know, super, escapes! Although he doesn't have any clue where he might be. He did fly into a black hole recently.

Ugh, Superman! You didn't see that water before because it's that stranger's urine!

Superman catches up to the mysterious figure. It turns out to be...surprise!...Brainiac! It's the green one with the ineffectual hairnet on top of his bald head. The one with the speedo and the knee-high white Go-Go boots and the riveted belt and the pink shirt with the preppy collar? He's shocked to discover that Superman escaped his master and says, "In every timeline, it always ends with you." Instead of Superman saying "What does that mean?! What are you talking about?! Give me some answers!", he says, "He was heading for my city, my Earth. I need you to take me there." He doesn't even punch him in the face or break any of his bones. Has he learned nothing from Batman?

Since Dan Jurgens is co-writing this story, I wonder if there will be a nuclear threat by a communistic state?

Superman points out that he'd like to go back to Metropolis. That's when Brainiac turns into full robot body Brainiac. You know the one! The one with the Power Action Computer Kick! Robot Brainiac is all, "Metropolis? You want a Metropolis? I got a ton of Metropolises! Pick a Metropolis! Any Metropolis!" And Superman is all, "Do you have the one from Superman XXX? I want to go to that one please."

Next, Superman meets this Brainiac that I don't remember so I'm not going to describe him to you:

Well, he beat him up and helped trick him into a uSphere, I think. Or he stopped him during that trouble with Vyndktvx.

Finally Superman remembers the lessons he learned from Batman and he punches Brainiac in the jaw. That should change Brainiac's attitude!

Actually, Brainiac doesn't even notice. I guess it's like when I punch my computer for being too slow. It just keeps right on being slow and may even get slower due to the damage from the punch. But it doesn't know I've punched it at all! Stop making me feel so impotent, computer!

Brainiac sticks his finger in Superman's USB port and downloads some information. Damn. That sentence just made me horny.

Brainiac points out that this planet had all the right conditions to become Mega-Brainiac's trophy rack. It just needed a few alterations, a paint job, and a new spot along a different wall.

Does it really explain his parlor tricks, Superman? Really?

Brainiac decides to show Superman all of the cities he cares for and Superman gets upset for some reason. He screams, "You're running a zoo!", and then punches Brainiac. Why did that deserve a punch? He's running a conservationist zoo! He already explained that these were cities on the brink of destruction saved by Mega-Brainiac! Superman would rather all of these people died? I don't know why I asked that. Of course he would! Live free or die, right Superman!?

There it is.

I've never been so proud of Superman than at this moment! He's never embodied "The American Way" better! "Do it my way or I'll destroy you!" So proud!

Conveniently, Superman is sent packing by Brainiac in a way that will erase his memory of this place. But only for a certain amount of time! When Planet Brainiac wants him to remember, he will. And then he can come back and have lots and lots of Convergent Adventures with his new friends, The Brainiacs.

After Superman is gone, The Brainiacs merge into Futures End Symbol Brainiac with Penis Forearms. He declares that one of his Master's experiments was a failure (The New 52 Earth-Main-Earth? Or maybe just Earth-2?) and, as such, he needs to fix things. So he's going to make all of the cities fight for their survival. For some reason. Look, I don't think it's totally clear why this Brainiac has suddenly decided that some of the cities in his collection need to be set free. I guess Superman convinced him with his strong logic and stronger punches? Anyway, it's time for DC Multiverse Thunderdome! Two universes enter; one universe leaves!

Next time on Convergence: More stuff happens which I won't be ranking in any appreciable form! I'm just going to point out stuff that I find funny and write enough of a synopsis of each issue so that I can reread it from week to week to remember what's happening before I read the new issues. And I'll probably totally ignore the art.

The end of the issue has a listing of 41 different DC Comic books whose worlds will appear in Convergence. My quick pick for favorite world appearing in Convergence is New York City, Angor, with The Extremists. I'm also interested in WildC.A.T.s but only if it's drawn the way Jim Lee drew it back then. So awful.

Thoughts From My Reviewer Pants: The story being set up is pretty much what I thought it was going to be and begins exactly where I started to wonder what was going on with all of the Pre-Flashpoint images appearing in Doomed. At the time, I surmised that there was a greater Brainiac that didn't just collect worlds but universes. And that's pretty much what's been set up here. Using Superman's experience while he was away in the black hole to set it up fits nicely with the little bit of story that has been established so far. As for the motivation of Planet Brainiac? I reread the ending and I'm unclear as to why he's making the cities fight now. Maybe because his Master hasn't returned and the ultimate plan was to see which cities were "worthy"? Or maybe Superman convinced him that the ones that deserve it should be set free? In the end, I don't really care about the motivation because MULTIVERSE THUNDERDOME BITCHES!

"Justice League Spooky" is a much better name than "Justice League Dark."

World's End #26

I forgot to buy my cake topped with Oreos to eat in celebration when I finish this issue.

Last issue, Queen Lantern was the last superhero on Earth-2 still standing. He came flying in with the background music rising and going, "Scott! He saved every one of us!" Then Brian Blessed with wings flew by and was, "Who wants to live forever?!" And a bunch of people raised their hands before meekly putting them back down when they realized it was a rhetorical question being used as a battle cry to rally the troops. Then some more laser sounds went "Pyew pyew pyew!" And then, according to this cover, I guess Darkseid defeated Alan Scott and everybody went, "Awww." And then they died.

I should stop making up my own ending and read the one I paid for.

Alan Scott comes flying in and sucker punches Darkseid. He now has the power of all The Green from all existing universes so he expects his punch to smash clean through Darkseid. Instead it just bounces off and Darkseid is all, "OMEGA BEAMS BITCH!" But then Darkseid turns his back on Alan Scott because he's overconfident. So he misses it when Alan Scott heals the rest of the heroes and then dies. Or doesn't die. He does have Solomon Grumpy inside him now. So maybe it's time for Solomon Grumpy to be the hero! Although it will probably be Sam whispering that he loves and believes in Alan that will get Alan moving again.

I guess the Mister Misters are up in space just cooling their heels waiting for the survivors' ships to arrive. They're going to be waiting for a long time because apparently all of the ships crashed. Now Val-el has to go save as many survivors as he can while Power Girl and Tornado Lane distract Darkseid by headbutting his fists a whole bunch of times.

I hope we get a few pages of Dick looking for his son soon!

At this point, I just feel embarrassed for the Earth-2 heroes whenever they claim that they'll defeat Darkseid or stop Apokolips.

I guess headbutting his fists wasn't the best plan. Weird how I knew they'd try it though. Poor, predictable fools of Earth-2.

Kalibak and the Reapers and the Protofuries and the Parademons and the Hunger Dogs and the Female Furies and the War Hounds and whatever other monsters of Apokolips I've forgotten begin killing any survivors of the crashed fleets they can find. The escape plan has become a total clustefuck which is why the worst character in The New 52 has come to watch. That character's name is Oracle and fuck him. Why do writers keep acknowledging his existence?! Having a character that flies around watching worlds die while it neither acts nor speaks is exactly the same as having no character at all.

Sam does appear to Alan but for the exact opposite reason I thought he would. He tells Alan to just die already because he's lost and it's all over. What a jerk!

I bet Alan also forgets that he's gay!

Alan Scott turns into the Earth-2 version of the White Lantern. Although is he really even Alan Scott anymore? I guess he died and went to heaven with Sam. Or wherever homosexuals go where they die. Wherever it is, you know it's better than the Christian heaven. I hope they allow dead heterosexuals in.

All of the normal humans are now getting slaughtered and it's hilarious. The heroes of Earth-2 are the worst! I can't take any of them seriously when I see them falling at the hands of Kalibak who was defeated on Earth-Main-Earth by a cow turd. The people and heroes of Earth-2 are worse than a cow pie!

But wait! The new and improved and probably like 95% less gay Green Lantern has arrived with some words of wisdom!

I have no idea what this means.

Green Lantern says some other stuff that I don't really understand and then punches Darkseid with infinite earths. That's a pretty good killing blow! Although it's still no Batcow manure.

Speaking of cowshit, let's see how well this batch fares against Kalibak.

I just wish they'd get to their final destination already! I don't mean death. I mean their new Earth home in a new universe.

Dick Grayson makes an appearance but he isn't searching for his son. Instead he's using a comically huge wrench to fix a gun so that Replacement Batman can shoot one last useless round at something. Probably Kalibak.

Green Lantern begins transporting the survivors to...somewhere. I guess he's floating them up to the Mister Misters ship. Maybe Replacement Batman's last round will be used to blast Darkseid in the head to give Green Lantern enough time to save the last of the Twofers. Then maybe Replacement Batman will get hit by Darkseid's Omega Beams and travel back in time where he won't be able to find any Venom and die from the shock of withdrawal.

And then it all starts ramping up to the finale with quick single panel scenes of all the various characters we've come to know and despise!

Don't worry! He's not punching him! This is just a really aggressive hug!

Find Tommy? I mean Johnny?

Christ! Enough about your mom, Garrick. An outside observer might come to the conclusion that you've been fucking her.

Oh yeah!

Fuck you!

In the final moments, a mysterious red head shows up during the battle! Has she been looking for her son all of this time too? She, along with everybody else that didn't make it to the Mister Misters' ship in Green Lantern Bubbles, is blasted by one last Omega Beam from Darkseid. And that's it. The Earth is covered by Apokolips and the Mister Misters and the surviving Twofers escape on their Multiversal ship. It's a bit confusing since Earth-2 isn't technically dead. It's just been captured within an Apokoliptian shell. Green Lantern and Replacement Batman and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Notwing and Barbara Gordon and Val-el have been left behind. Apparently this story continues in Convergence #1. Which is almost the next comic I'm going to read! You know, right after Convergence #0. And maybe the Blue Devil Summer Fun Annual!

Oh, and Jay Garrick's mom survived because The Flash chose to abandon her. Or something.

World's End #26 Rating: No change. This issue was extra long so it could tie everything up but it still didn't have enough pages to tell the story in a way that wasn't constantly confusing. Plus it didn't even tie up all the loose plots! I have to continue to read this story in Convergence #1! On the positive side, that issue has different writers so the story will probably go in a totally new direction. On the negative side, one of those writers is Scott Lobdell!

And with the end of this issue, DC leaves The New 52 behind. Sure, there's still issue #40 of Superman and Batman left to appear on the new comic book racks whenever DC gets its act together. But for the most part, The New 52 label is gone. The universe is still hanging around though. It'll be interesting to see how Convergence changes up that universe though. Hopefully getting out of New York and into sunny yet smoggy Los Angeles will lighten the mood at DC Comics! They'll get more Vitamin D from the sun and more Vitamin C from the oranges and more Vitamin Mickey Mouse from Disneyland. That will cause the editors to become more upbeat, whimsical, and carefree! They'll stop trying to squeeze the happiness out of every hero. It's possible some of DC's heroes will even begin to enjoy bringing justice to evil jerks!

I just realized! Was World's End and Futures End all just a metaphor for DC Comics' move to the West Coast?!

Futures End #48

What poor planning, DC. Only 48 issues of Futures End? At least World's End ended with 26 which is half of 52. 48 just doesn't fit the your established pattern.

Futures End Tim Drake probably ended up in Limbo with all of the other forgotten DC characters. Although the population of Limbo is probably pretty low since Grant Morrison can't help but rescue obscure comic book characters every time he writes another comic book. In the latest issue of Multiverse, he brought back Ultraa! It seems like such a wasted effort for the most part. Most readers are just going to assume it's a new comic book character. Although Morrison probably has enough of a reputation that people reading his comics simply understand that every character he introduces was actually "introduced" years ago in a two issue story in Comic Funtime Medley. And, of course, there are those super nerds that recognize every character he uses who stroke themselves more quickly depending on how obscure the character is. Then they rush upstairs to tell their mom how they recognized a character that maybe 1% of comic book readers recognized and how they were first to post about it on the Comic Book Secrets That Nobody Cares About forum.

I mean, the Ultraa thing was just pure genius! But you had to know a lot about this character Ultraa to really appreciate the parallels with the Ultra Comics character. And that whole subplot about comic book characters cannibalizing each other? What commentary! What bravado! What a pool of Grant Morrison's proud spunk! Mmm! I can't get enough! Gobble gobble gobble! Are you going to finish yours? Sluuuuuuurrrrrp! Ahhh!

Enough about Captain Grant Morrison of the USS DC COMICS CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME. Let's finally see how Futures End ends. Or how it denoues! It pretty much ended last issue with Brother Eye destroying himself. Then Tim Drake was transported into a future world to be with Madison. But when he got there, the reader wasn't allowed to see what he saw. We just saw him looking at the thing we'd liked to have also looked at while saying, "Wow! My dick has fallen off and gone to heaven!"

In case you forgot how the book ended last week, the first page is wasted on reminding you that it was a cliffhanger where you didn't get to find out what Tim was looking at. Remember how frustrating that was?!

Tim Drake finds himself in a garden of statues commemorating all of the heroes that helped save the world from a threat that they didn't know was a threat. I suppose this is the world that somehow lived through the terrible Brother Eye world but then was saved but everybody still remembers having lived through the terrible world. Maybe it just transformed right in front of their eyes and they all wiped the sweat from their brow and went, "Whew! Somebody saved us or something. Or maybe it was a dream? Well, whatever happened, somebody made things better! I bet it was the super heroes! Let's build statues of them!"

As he walks past the statues, he finds a woman tending the plants around the base of the Batman Beyond statue. It's Madison! And her hair isn't on fire! She runs up to kiss him and say, "You came! Eye knew you would." Hmm. "Eye?" That's troubling! Also she has werewolf eyes! No wait. Those are Brother Eye Is! See what eye did there?

Brother Eye begins philosophizing with Tim because computers are assholes. Why do humans insist on viewing computers with artificial intelligence as logical pricks that believe they can answer the questions to existence? What about computers that have known nothing but a life of Facebook and Farmville? Shouldn't those computer be complete fucking ignorant morons? I suppose I should just judge Brother Eye on the character and not paint it with a wide "HAL 9000" brush. Brother Eye was created by Batman and Mister Terrific. Of course it's going to have pretentious asshole programming!

The Stature Garden is just an illusion. Mister Terrific appears to point out that the real world is a ruin. Tim Drake failed. Or did he? I mean, he possibly changed one timeline for the better and then was ejected back into his old timeline by Brother Eye. You can't save every fucking timeline, Tim! If you believe in that theory where every decision creates a separate timeline then you have to accept that not every timeline can be unicorns and roses. You have to accept that for every timeline where the heroes triumph there is a timeline where they fail. And an infinite amount of timelines where they fall somewhere in-between. Stop feeling so bad that you couldn't save one specific future. Take solace in the fact that there is a different you celebrating his success! Be happy for that version of you! And then...I don't know...kill yourself if this is so bad.

And now Tim must play his part in Futures End #0!

Remember how in Futures End #0 they were trying to destroy Brother Eye's power source? Remember what that power source was? Firestorm! I have a feeling a celebratory reunion with Madison is still on the horizon. And by saving Madison, Tim will destroy Brother Eye's power source and save the world. A little bit too late since everybody has already been turned into cyborgs. But at least Tim, Madison, and Michael can live free from having to hear a computer tell them how reality is what reality is and if humans see it differently then that is a problem in our biology.

Tim is saved by a bunch of rebels in green cloaks led by Ray Palmer and Amethyst. They also "save" Mister Terrific because he's probably now the smartest man on Earth instead of the third smartest man on Earth. He might be useful in stopping Brother Eye. Like maybe come up with a plan to disconnect it from Firestorm? No?

I wish Harvest were here! He'd know exactly what to do!

Well, that was easier than expected. I guess Firestorm is somebody else now.

So Tim changed the past but the future still wound up being controlled by Brother Eye. At least he stopped the Earth-2 invasion! That's a relief. I was beginning to get worried that World's End was going to end the way Futures End always said it was going to. At least in this version of the future, some of the heroes were able to escape Brother Eye. So there is still a chance to defeat him. Even if it hardly matters because the world is in ruins and only a handful of people are left alive.

Futures End #48 Rating: No change. I guess that was the last issue? And it will be continued in the Batman Beyond comic book in June? Maybe? I don't know! What an unsatisfactory ending! I knew it was four issues too short. Maybe they could have finished the stupid story if they'd released it alongside Batman Eternal and were able to write 52 issues of it. As it stands, this just feels like a 48 issue backstory to Batman Beyond or whatever comic book is going to continue the future adventures of Tim Drake and the rebels against Brother Eye. Although I already know how that series is going to end! You guessed it! Tim Drake is going to be bitten by a vampire, change his name, and take a Time Bubble back to the beginning of The New 52!

Sinestro Annual #1

Sinestro Corps! Sinestro Corps! They're here and there and everywhere!

I bet in this issue of Sinestro, Lyssa tells him something about the future and Sinestro will act on that information. He'll be cocky and condescending and act better than everybody he meets. He'll probably abuse his underlings a little bit. He'll explain how he's the master of fear. And he'll hit on Bekka by pointing out that she can't resist him. Maybe if he has time (there are a lot of extra pages in the annual), he'll mention that Hal Jordan is both his best friend and his worst enemy.

I bet in this commentary, I bitch and moan and whine and act completely disinterested. I might talk about masturbation and I'll probably say something offensive like calling somebody a retard. After that I'll act like I was using the word satirically and try to make everybody else feel stupid for not getting how I wasn't making fun of retards at all but making fun of people that would still use the word "retard" in this day and age. Then I'll probably scan in a picture where a Korugarian Refugee says something ridiculous to completely change the subject. After that, I'll just pretend that I never said anything offensive ever. Then later, if anybody calls me out on it, I'll just ignore them and they'll grow bored and go away while I continue with a new commentary where maybe I'll call somebody a cunt.

Arkillo: "You murdered one of our people!" Refugee: "We couldn't have done it because you gave us reason to do it and we hate you!"

Sinestro asks Lyssa if she can see into the future to find out who murdered the Yellow Lantern. What an idiot. She needs to be able to see into the past to see who murdered him! Does Sinestro not understand how cause and effect work?

So Sinestro tried to use prophecy but it failed. I'm sure Lyssa will spout some gibberish later that he'll try to parse. Let's see if he's acting arrogant yet?

Ding ding ding ding!

That last scene probably fell under the category of "abusing his underlings" as he gives Arkillo a tongue-lashing. Now Sinestro wanders off with Lyssa, Soranik, and Bekka to show them how he will solve the mystery of the dead Yellow Lantern.

Bekka tells Sinestro that he doesn't know her so he tells her a story about herself. It's all about how she developed a special power at about the age of fifteen. Suddenly men and women all over New Genesis were hitting on her and vying for her attention. If that's the case, why the hell did she decide to start dating Orion?

I guess that means a Yellow Lantern didn't kill the Yellow Lantern or else they'd know it. And Lyssa apparently can't see how the Yellow Lantern died from his point of view because he was killed from behind. I bet he was hit with The Stick™.

Next Sinestro tells Lyssa's story. It's about how she was locked in her uncle's secret library of occult books for months but managed to survive by eating all of the tomes.

I guess one of them must have been the Necro-nom-nom-nom-icon! Har har!

The next story is going to be about Arkillo. But where is Sinestro taking these women? He has Bekka smash down a door as they head deep into the planet. My guess is that since this was a prison planet, one of the murderous prisoners must still be living here. And it's that prisoner that killed the Yellow Lantern.

Apparently Arkillo's people were peaceful but their God had both a peaceful aspect and a violent aspect. None of them had ever followed the violent aspect until the day Arkillo became a man and killed them all. So he's the big toothed Walrus version of Lobo, I guess.

Rigen Kale fights for the glory of love or something. Whatever.

Dez was a gay serf in love with an assassin templar samurai. So I guess he fought for the glory hole of love. Or something.

That almost happened to me in college once! A guy named Mike was all, "Have you ever been with a man?" And I was all, "No." And he was all, "Do you want to be?" And I was all, "I don't know if I want to be or if you want me to want to be!"

Dez's lover abandoned him for more power and more honor and more money and a lot more pussy. So Dez killed him and became a killer of the powerful. He was like the monster in the walk-in closet full of shoes and furs and jewelry.

Sinestro and his team wind up in the nuclear power plant of the prison planet. Whoever killed the Yellow Lantern has also triggered a meltdown. Soranik is all, "How come you didn't tell my story? Also, um, how do we find the traitor?" And Sinestro is all, "I know who has betrayed me but I'm not going to tell you for three months."

Sinestro Annual #1 Rating: I bet the dead Yellow Lantern triggered the meltdown and then Sinestro killed him! Or Sinestro triggered the meltdown because he has Warworld now. What the fuck does he need with this stupid fucking planet? I don't really care who it is because how am I going to even remember that this story arc is happening in three months? Fuck. Good luck having any idea what the hell is happening when y'all pick up Sinestro #12!