Aquaman #40

After freeing Willy from captivity, Aquaman forced Willy to risk his life battling dangerous super villains.

This cover actually looks like Aquaman is pulling back the trident to spear the killer whale. I wouldn't put it past him. Aquaman is a dick.

Last issue ended with Aquaman and Mera being hunted by a volcano god named Karaku and by his mother named Atlanna. Karaku also doesn't mind if he kills Atlanna and her people as well so Aquaman and Mera just need to hide long enough for their enemies to wipe each other out. Although, I suppose if I think like a human being with a heart that actually likes their family members, Aquaman probably doesn't want Atlanna murdered.

I bet Aquaman especially wouldn't want Atlanna to die if he's thought through the probable ending of this adventure! If she's still alive then she is still the Queen of Atlantis which means that he isn't responsible for all of that ruling bullshit anymore! He can go back to living in the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Mera and Aquadog and the police woman that has been taking care of Aquadog because I bet she'd be into a three-way relationship. I would be into reading about their three-way relationship.

Atlanna's Advisor who has been hanging out with Aquaman and Mera has a painful purple memory about the Karaqan and how it was raised to battle Karaku. Aquaman is all, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Can someone shut this woman up so I can come up with a plan that probably involves Mera saving everybody's asses since she has the best super power here?"

Evans isn't just good with shapes. He knows his colors too! Also Mera's ass. Homina.

Aquaman leaves Mera's protective water bubble to help his mother. His mother's rhinoceros is vaporized by a blast of lava which is total bullshit. I'm sick of these Atlanteans enslaving other creatures to fight their battles for them. How is that civilized?! They should just keep them penned up to use for meat and dairy! Anything else is just cruel!

Doctor Evans comes wading out to inform Aquaman that Lenu the Advisor has figured out how to defeat the Fire Trolls using her purple vision. That's when he finds out that he's not the perfect shape to fit in the hands of a fire troll.

Not even close. P.S. Ha ha!

If Doctor Evans dies, how are they ever going to fit shapes into shape-shaped recesses?! Do they give away posthumous Nobel Prizes for shape-matching?

Now, you all saw that picture I scanned of Doctor Evans getting fucked up, right? Aquaman saw the same thing which makes me wonder why, after getting Evans free, Aquaman says to him, "They'll have first aid in the sub." What the fuck kind of first aid is it?! Does it contain some kind of miracle band-aids?! A regenerative salve?! A new, non-broken body in which to download Evans' mind?! Even Evans, as he lays there dying, is embarrassed by his naivete.

Evans tells Arthur how to defeat the Fire Trolls and then frees up some space for more useful characters to come along. And then Aquaman is smashed by Karaku's huge flaming fist. Mera, who doesn't realize that she's in a comic book with Aquaman's name on the cover (and if she did, wouldn't she be pissed? Why the fuck doesn't she get shared billing?), screams his name because she thinks he was just killed. Aquaman's mother simply shrugs her shoulders.

But then Atlanna has second thoughts on letting him die when she sees Mera hop into action. She recognizes a truly powerful person when she sees one and Mera might turn her wrath on Atlanna if Atlanna doesn't help save Arthur. So she pulls him away from the battle as Mera takes the shape of a battle mech and punches Karaku in the head with a huge fist of water. Which is the only way to defeat the fire trolls! Karaku falls down dead as Aquaman looks on impotently.

With Mera and Arthur nearly exhausted, Atlanna approaches to finish them off with her horde of dinosaurs. But Arthur sees her dinosaurs and raises her...well, whatever the hell all of these things are.

You know, Aquaman, these sea creatures have lives of their own. You think they want to be coerced into coming up on shore to risk their lives for your family problems? Asshole.

Atlanna finally acknowledges that Arthur is her son and he's all, "Cool. That's all I wanted. We'll be going now, mom!" And she's all, "Bye! Maybe call first next time?"

Atlanna leaves her royal signet with Aquaman so that Atlantis will stop trying to shake itself to death. So I guess Arthur is still saddled with leadership. How annoying! For the life of me, I can't understand why anybody wants power or leadership. It's a fucking prison, man!

Aquaman #40 Rating: No change. I feel like sometimes comic creators come up with ideas to base a story arc on but then really don't know how to make that arc matter in any significant way. This story was based on the supposition that Arthur's mother was actually still alive. And she was! And...well...that's it! Arthur learned he has a mommy out there that doesn't really want anything to do with him or Orm or Atlantis. At least not right now. But what really happened in that revelation? How have things changed? What did Aquaman learn? I certainly wasn't paying enough attention, or maybe I'm simply just not smart enough, to understand the importance of this story. My favorite part was when the talking monkey fell into the labyrinth of monsters! That was silly!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9

Who cares?

Last issue with Infinity Man introducing himself to Big Bear and saying, "Oh yeah. I can manifest whenever I want. I just like watching you idiots touch that malfunctioning Mother Box and yelling 'Garblooey!' Ha ha. Totally hilarious."

Hopefully the revelations in this book will rival the revelations in Revelations! And hopefully they'll be more understandable. And hopefully none of them will leak out into other comic books. Can we just put this mess to rest here and now?

I like when the comic book says what I want to say before I can say it. Although I have already said multiple times that this comic book hasn't made any sense. I just hadn't gotten around to saying it yet in this commentary.

I'm going to begin calling my commentaries "critiques"! Doesn't that sound fancy?! I already sound smarter, right? I'm gonna make you proud yet, mama!

Wouldn't it be great if Infinity Man reveals all the secrets to Flashpoint and the Trinity of Sin and Convocation right here in this comic book? It would be a great big fuck you to all the smart people not reading this bullshit! I might even be the only one to learn all of the secrets! Am I the only person that purchased a copy of this issue? I wouldn't be surprised.

The first thing Infinity Man reveals is that The Joker did not rape Batgirl when he shot her in the spine and took naked pictures of her. He just really wanted to make that clear for Big Bear. Next he points out that Batman wasn't raped by Talia al Ghul at all because Batman is immune to Rohypnol so it was totally consensual. Then he goes off on a tangent where he wonders why he's never seen an anti-rape poster that points out how "sensual" is part of consensual and how it's sexy to get consent or something. Then Big Bear is all, "That's fucking disgusting, you idiot." And Infinity Man is all, "I was just trying out some new comedy. It's totally unfair to criticize me for new material!" And Big Bear was all, "I can have my opinions and my opinion is beginning to be that you're a problematic asshole!" And Infinity Man is all, "Okay! Okay! Calm down! Let's just get back to my revelations, okay?"

The third revelation from Infinity Man is that Batwoman was not raped by Nocturna and then she didn't have to deal with Nocturna blaming her for being victimized. Anybody who thought that totally read the situation wrong and should just know they were wrong and they shouldn't revisit the comic to try to prove that they weren't wrong at all and Nocturna totally blames Batwoman for her own rape and is a total gross asshole about the whole situation. Just believe the revelation, okay?

Infinity Man's fourth revelation is that it totally wasn't sexist and gross when DC Comics asked people to draw pictures of Harley Quinn naked in the bathtub trying to kill herself. That was comedy, people! Comedy! Jesus Christ (he says! Not me!), will you people get a sense of humor already!

Infinity Man's fifth revelation is that he didn't mean to tell readers with real issues about the things DC keeps printing that they were overreacting and that they needed to get a sense of humor. Infinity Man was totally thinking of something else at the moment and he's sure you misunderstood him and shit.

Infinity Man's sixth revelation is that Starfire is master of her sexuality and if it looked like she was portrayed as a cum dumpster that loves to gobble cum, it was only because you didn't read all of Scott Lobdell's tweets where he explicitly said that that wasn't how Starfire was being portrayed at all!

It's about at this point in the comic book where I started to think that maybe DC could have come up with a better way to spin their problems from the last few years than to try to spin them in a more positive way in continuity! These were really weird revelations!

Infinity Man's next revelation is his secret origin. It's about time Didio got around to the fucking characters in this comic book.

Infinity Man's secret origin is all about Izaya and how he turned into Highfather. At a crucial point in New Genesis's history, Izaya considers entering into a deal with Darkseid, exchanging his son Scott Free for Darkseid's son Orion. Unless they exchanged other sons. Anyway, to get some advice, Izaya visits the last shard of the original Source Wall. Apparently it's some kind of Magic Eight Ball.

DC is already selling replica Mother Boxes. Maybe they should sell mini-Source Wall's that answer questions like this?

Infinity Man is the bastard child of the Source Wall and Izaya's conscience. That's a pretty shitty revelation. I don't care about Infinity Man and I care even less about Highfather! So now I care many times more less than I used to about Infinity Man! Worst revelation and secret origin ever.

Stop threatening me with the possible continuation of crappy stories and garbage characters!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9 Rating: -2 Ranking. Ugh. Uff. Blarg. Yeach. Pflooey.

Star Spangled War Stories #8

Mick and Jessica are doomed!

I have no clue what the names of the characters are in this comic book and I don't really give a shit. I'm kind of hoping they all die and the world ends and somehow the words on the last page of the issue are a magical incantation that will erase the memory of the entire series from my mind. Stop publishing bullshit comic books just to maintain the trademark for stupid comic book titles that don't need to fucking exist. Just because DC Comics once published a comic book called Star Spangled War Stories, or GI Combat, or Men at War, it doesn't mean DC needs to ever publish any comic book by those names ever again. Some people might say I'm wrong and they want to read war stories but those people are jerks that should be euthanized. And then their bodies should be fed to goats.

I'm serious here, DC Comics! No more fucking war comic books! Especially ones that don't have anything to do with war! GI Zombie is bullshit!

Last issue, Sally had tried to make a break for it from the Evil Hillbilly Terrorists. She hopped into a pink VW Bus driven by a California Coast Zombie and called for help. Too bad for her and the hippie (and, mostly, the beautiful pink VW Bus), they were stopped by bad people with big guns.

Well, they're dead. I'm guessing the front of a VW Bus doesn't exactly have a whole lot of stopping power when it comes to bullets fired out of assault rifles.

As the hippie squeals down the road in reverse using all four cylinders (possibly three if the thing has recently blown a fucking plug), the hippie makes a wrong turn and backs his poor bus off of a cliff. Jessica manages to pull him from the bus before it plummets to its pink doom and hide him in the bushes as the Evil Gun Wielding Maniacs start searching for bodies.

Meanwhile on the way to save Barbara's life, I remember one of the character's names because his name is awesome: Gravedigger! And that's not even his awesome name! His real name is Ulysses Hazard! Who needs a fucking nickname like Gravedigger when your real name is Ulysses Hazard?! Although this New 52 version of Gravedigger actually has a stupid real name so I'm getting excited for nothing. I don't know why they decided to make his name boring. DC Comics sure knows how to make the wrong decision every time.

Oh my god! This issue is called The Final Countdown! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN! DUNANAN NUN! EXPLOSION! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN dun dun dun dun DUN DUN! DUNANAN NUN! Ooooo wheee ooooooh ooooooh wheeeee ooooooooooooooh! We're leaving together! But still it's farewell! And maybe we'll come back! To Earth, who can tell? I guess there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! Will things ever be the same again?!?! It's the final countdown!

Now I'm rocking my cock off!

The plane Gravedigger and the zombie are using to fly to San Francisco belongs to the DC Universe's version of Grumpy Cat who is quite the war supporter, I guess.

Meanwhile, Mary becomes the Northern California version of Rambo. GI Zombies? She don't need no stinking zombies! Yes! Look at me saying lines like Roy Harper! Woo hoo! Does anybody want to RP me on Tumblr?!

Cynthia meets up with Gravedigger and GI Zombie on the beach where she tells them that they need to stop the bad guys or the bad guys will win. Good intel, Deb!

Carmen (somebody finally said her name so I can stop making up new names for her! Oh, and GI Zombie's name was Jared but it's easy enough to just call him GI Zombie because nobody will know who the fuck Jared is if I use his real name) and Jared storm the terrorist base, killing people willy-nilly. That's a silly way to murder terrorists! It makes it sound fun!

GI Zombie makes it to the control room where the Evil Mr. Smarty Pants is skulking. It turns out to be somebody GI Zombie once worked with! What a surprise twist that doesn't fucking matter at all! Mr. Head Terrorist tells GI Zombie that they're too late to start the Zombie Revolution. The bombs are about to go off, the West Coast is going to sink into the sea, and every American is going to become a mindless zombie. A literal one instead of a figurative one!

Gravedigger's team set off an electromagnetic pulse which disables the entire base and saves the world. Or something. But GI Zombie knows the guy in charge at the Ecuador Base as well so if anybody is so bored with their life that they think this comic book should start up again sometime in the future, the story where GI Zombie raids that base can be told.

Ha ha! They're so cute together! Maybe this comic book was really good!

I didn't really mean that last caption. This comic book was boring.

Star Spangled War Stories #8 Rating: No change. This comic book has never been what I'd call bad! It just never really interested me. Sometimes it would almost feel like it was about to tantalize me and then it wouldn't at all. And now that it's completely over, it won't let me feel happy about it because it ended with "The End, for now...". Stupid fuckers. Jerks.

Deathstroke #6

Daddy issues strike again!

I'm so glad Deathstroke's daddy finally got out of that hospice bed in Gary, Indiana to make Slade's life a living hell. Remember that issue where we learned the thing that most drives Deathstroke is his need to prove he's better than his abusive father? The cover of that issue said, "In the name of the father...". So even though Slade Wilson is an old man and successful, he's still trying to get his daddy's love. What an asshole. Give it up, Slade. If you ever find yourself chasing your father's love, it means your father never gave a shit about you and it's time to just cut ties. You should never have to fight for a parent's love. If they don't show it, they're worthless. Find a surrogate mother or father if yours is a piece of shit. Or just lose yourself in drugs! But don't embarrass yourself like Slade Wilson is doing.

I hope this issue ends with tears and hugs!

Oh no! Harley has daddy issues too?! Oh wait. Of course she does. I forgot about her ex for a second.

Deathstroke and Harley discover the torn apart body of Possum in the first double splash page of the comic book. Possum is definitely dead this time because his head is detached from his body. And there is no way it's going to start talking even though Harley has squatted down next to it and doesn't finish her sentence about not being easily creeped out. She'll finish that sentence on the next page no problem! It's not like the guy chose the name "Possum" for any particular clue as to his powers!

Dammit! How did I not see this coming?!

After laughing at Harley because she's surprised by the suddenly alive disembodied head and then telling her that his name is Possum for a reason, Slade is surprised by the other parts of Possum which attack him. He thinks, "How can he--? Even my healing factor's not this good." Well, he is named Possum for a reason, Deathstroke! Ha haha ha haaaa haaa!

Slade manages to impale Possum's head on the end of his staff which, I guess, causes Possum's other body parts to back off so that Slade doesn't kill their boss. Although is Possum's head really the boss? I think this is finally the penis's chance to take over once and for all!

Odysseus has taken Rose and Joey Wilson captive although he still doesn't remember his grandson's real name. How long before somebody informs Tony S. Daniel that Jericho's real name is Joey? Maybe draw it up in a two page spread. That should get his attention. Possibly have a fourteen year old girl yelling it?

Odysseus sucks Jericho's soul into his own face while Rose watches her brother being killed. She's so upset that she calls him by his real name! No, just kidding. She still calls him Jericho. But before Jericho can be killed, Deathstroke and Harley Quinn arrive on the scene to save him.

No, wait. It's just a diversion. Sorry, Joseph!

Guess what time it is now, folks?! Second double splash page! In that huge amount of wasted space, Deathstroke kills three of Odysseus's five best soldiers! Too bad to figure out which of his soldiers were the five best, he had all of his soldiers fight to the death. Seems a little shortsighted because now he just has two soldiers in his army of mindless thugs.

Deathstroke Lifetime Kill Count: 937

Why is she so happy about it?

If Batman doesn't show up at some point, I'm going to be severely disappointed. Did he just crawl out from under the rubble of the explosion, wipe off his bat suit, shrug his shoulders and go home? Of course he didn't! He's The Jeezly Crow Batman! He's going to hunt these psychos down and bring them to justice!

I mean, he should do that. But since Tony S. Daniel is writing this, Batman probably won't act like Batman should act. Besides, he's a man! Who wants to bother with drawing more men?! Ugh! David Finch understands.

Odysseus, lying on the ground bloody and wounded and missing the opposite eye of his son, is all, "Wha-wha-what?! But you're dead!" He's confused and on the ground and weaponless so Slade shoots him in the head and ends it.

Ha ha! Just kidding! Tony S. Daniel, remember?! Slade, between panels apparently, gives Odysseus time to stand up and gather his scythes and then Slade charges him with his sword. I guess when you kill your father, you want to be fair about it.

What?! No motherfucking great fishing trips? Just standard, okay, run-of-the-mill fishing trips?! Kill that bastard!

Deathstork Deathstroke basically fought Batman to a standstill last issue. But this issue, he can't even last three poorly choreographed panels against his dad without losing a fucking eye. And the two panels above were the first two! Here's the third:

This is why I hate Narration Boxing. Even while screaming about his eye, Slade is calmly reminiscing about his past.

Slade is obviously thinking about his first blade from dad while screaming about his eye being hacked out because the final two Narration Boxes show how Slade is noticing his father's eyes glowing in the immediate situation. He's also allowing himself to think about the fight after this fight which is a big no-no in contract killing! You concentrate on the opponent in front of you! Only after he's dead do you move on to the next kill! I should know! I once saw a movie about a contract killer!

On the next page, Slade mentions how he's become attached to his new eye and doesn't want to lose it. So he was just overreacting in that last panel. I suppose he could have lost it for a few seconds but then his healing factor kicked in and regrew it.

Some other stuff is happening while Slade and Odysseus battle. Cheshire gets shot in the ass. Jericho gets kidnapped by a Mexican. And Harley Quinn collects a pile of guns from who the fuck knows where so that she can sit on them.

Odysseus doesn't recognize Slade because Slade is now young and Odysseus apparently never looked at his son when he was this age. What father doesn't recognize their own son?! That fucking bastard deserves to die! And that's what he does as Slade impales him on a piece of broken "sky craft." But then Bronze Tiger, who everybody has been ignoring because there were too many characters to deal with during the battle, stabs Slade through the heart with his tiger claws.

Deathstroke Lifetime Kill Count: 938.

Victor the Inquisitor shows up unexpectedly to make a racist statement and then Jericho shouts, "Enough!" Slade blacks out and wakes up naked in a room with Fury, the woman with the second worst mask in comic book history (just after New 52 Raven's) where he gets to Narration Box a bunch of stupid, useless Narration Boxes about agreeing to another mission and things being personal even though his father told him not to let emotion interfere with business. And then the book is over until June where it will continue to be a shitty piece of shit for as long as Tony S. Daniel writes it.

Deathstroke #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. What a bullshit conclusion. You know what my favorite part about the new, young version of Deathstroke is? It's how he has to assure everybody that he's Slade Wilson and nobody believes him anyway. I'm so happy that that's a part of my Deathstroke comic books now! I think it's time for him to just leave the mask on so he doesn't have to keep answering questions regarding his identity. So tiresome! I should also clarify Deathstroke's Kill Count! I added one for killing Odysseus even though Odysseus will eventually be back in a new body. He did take a piece of Joseph's power after all, right? Plus, where the hell was Batman?! Fucking lazy dick.

Catwoman #40

Another poster I knew close enough to get partial credit, rounded up, leaving my guessing the movie poster streak at 100%!

After walking to the comic book store a week and a half ago, I stopped by The Pied Cow to meet the Non-Certified Spouse and a couple of friends. I brought out the movie poster covers from that week to see if everybody recognized them. Catwoman was the only one nobody was sure about. But I said I was pretty sure it was a Steve McQueen movie and that the title of the movie was a single name. But I just couldn't remember the fucking name. So I asked Lord Google to give me some "Steve McQueen movie posters" and there it was: Bullitt. And then I had to watch the San Francisco car chase from the movie on YouTube. And I'm nauseated! Not just from the footage being shot from the inside of a muscle car driving fast on the hills of San Francisco but from the memories of being a passenger in my cousin's monster truck driving on those hills. Holy fuck I don't think I've ever been more scared then when he parked sideways on one of those steep hills in a fucking truck cab raised four feet off the ground. I thought for sure we were going to roll sideways down the hill.

I used to have nightmares about driving the hills in San Francisco. For whatever reason, I was terrified to drive up those steep hills. I didn't mind coming down them but going up completely freaked me out.

Who wants to bet the issue begins with some historical correspondence?!

"And I was all, 'Cleo's kid ain't even Caesers, ya know? Know how I know? Cuz he's jus' inta rim jobs, get me? That kid? That's Titus Pullo's kid fer sure cause ya know Pullo donna pullout! Har!'" -- Antony

Selina is beginning to see too many similarities between herself and Cleopatra. She's probably hoping that before she loses everything to a Roman, she can pull her asp out of the fire. Oh!

Holding one of Falcone's men hostage, Selina is hoping to put the Black Mask in the same position he tried to put her in with Nick and his betrayal. She's forcing his hand by asking that he send Mason to speak with her or the Falcone man dies. That puts pressure on Black Mask to cave to her demands or face the wrath of the Falcone family because he's putting their man in danger just to avoid dealing with Selina. She's already been threatened with a gang war so she doesn't have anything to lose. If the war starts this way, at least she knows Black Mask will have as many enemies as she does with the added benefit that she gets to make the first move.

Nobody is quite sure who the Forster Lane Book Club will side with, so Selina, having gotten in good with Lewis, one of its members, decides to pay their leader a visit.

Penguin is probably still angry that Catwoman dragged him into an Ann Nocenti story.

Penguin and Catwoman part company with some kind of respect for each other and the way the other does business. And since The Penguin's goals are loftier than any other crime boss can possibly imagine, he acts like he doesn't really care what happens during this turf war. As long as he gains the right turf and the right allies, he seems content to let the others bicker for scraps. I think he's just an arrogant, uninteresting jerk who's giving penguins a bad name!

Selina's people kick off some minor skirmishes on Hasigawa's docks to lure out Black Mask. Selina lets the Falcones have their man back. The cops get involved and somebody sets off the Bat-signal when the Egyptian Club is hit by another group. And Alvarez and Keyes are still trying to figure out why they're still in this comic book and whose side they're on and whether or not they trust each other or anybody at all.

They might as well be Laurel and Hardy.

Selina beats Alvarez and Keyes to their stool pigeons (or their wannabe rats?). Mason tries to take Antonia hostage because taking hostages is the cool thing to do. But Selina slices him open and sends him on his way. Although he does manage to shoot Antonia in the knee before skulking out of Gotham with some juicy family history that Selina will probably want to learn. Eventually. Now Selina will probably tell Antonia that she's an idiot for not following orders and staying away for the night.

Just like that!

Then Catwoman waves at Batman and the gang war takes a break for a couple of months.

Catwoman #40 Rating: No change. I really need the Cliff's Notes version of this story! Or some kind of relationship flow chart so I know who is in bed with who and who trusts what and which gang is besties with which other gang and who keeps tattling to Alvarez and Keyes and how often Eiko and Selina have sex. I'm just so confused! I think I kind of know what's going on but I don't really trust my memory to keep it all straight. And maybe dumb down some of that historical context for me, Genevieve! Sheesh! Who knows anything about the relationship between Caeser and Cleopatra! Did they know each other? Didn't they live on different continents? How did ancient people travel very far when they only had camels and jogging briskly as traveling options? Also weren't they just fictional characters invented by Christopher Marlowe under a pseudonym?! How about using some letters from Kurt Vonnegut or Ernest Hemingway next time. They're writing style is easily comprehended by seventh graders! I think I could handle that.

Justice League Dark #40

This movie variant is a bad idea because there is no way this issue will be as entertaining as Beetlejuice.

So far I've tried to pick up every movie poster variant cover available but my comic book store just randomly chooses between the regular cover and variant when they shove them in my box. So I looked up the issues that I knew I wasn't able to grab to see if I recognized them. So far on the covers I've gotten, I've recognized them all except Batman Loves Superman's The Fugitive poster. Although I did know it was a Harrison Ford movie and found the poster by asking Lord Google to find me a "Harrison Ford movie poster." I missed Sinestro which was a Westworld variant and I would have recognized that one. I also missed Batman and Robin which was a Harry Potter poster and I would have guessed that one. I also missed Green Lantern Corps which was for Forbidden Planet and I'm not so sure I would have recognized that one. When I looked it up via Lord Google, the real movie poster popped up side by side with the Green Lantern Corps cover so I didn't get a chance to guess it. But since the poster relies so heavily on Robbie the Robot and he's been replaced by Kilowog, I'm not sure I would have placed the rest of it. Probably though! I'll just give myself a pass for all the covers I missed and give my self partial credit, rounded up, for Batman Loves Superman. Which means I'm 100% on guessing the correct movie so far!

The last five issues of this comic book dealt with Justice League Dark trying to save themselves and stop the universe from ending all at the same time. But I guess they failed because last issue ended with all of them being sucked up into Pralaya's vagina. But immediately after that happened, John Constantine inside the House of Mystery was expelled from Pralaya's goose stretcher. I ran out of things to call a vagina so I need to start making up some new ones. That's what happens after you've written around 2100 commentaries on comic books and you enjoy mentioning certain parts of the female anatomy. I've probably also run out of words for penis as well but I can call a penis anything and there isn't a guy on Earth who will take offense to whatever euphemism I choose. But I have to dance delicately around the vagina! Boy, if I had a barn owl for every time I've uttered that phrase!

This issue is called Ouroboros because it's going to make me want to consume myself.

Oh bullshit! Love is less real than anything else in this comic book!

Love is only real when you don't have it! Having love is just allowing yourself the chance to not contemplate how truly despicable and unlovable you truly are. You don't have to feel the pain of loneliness and the ultimate inability to connect with any other human being if you have somebody nearby telling you how much they love you. Love is just freedom from your insecurity and self-doubt! When love is gone, you hunger for it because you can't stand who you are when you're alone and you realize just how hard it will be to get somebody to not think you're completely disgusting. People don't love each other because of their flaws or despite their flaws. They love each other because it's a contract to completely ignore the other person's flaws so that you can also completely ignore your own flaws. You can revel in your bitterness and resentment in the rest of the world and you have somebody who has to agree with you because you've seen them, on a near daily basis, stick their fingers into their buttcrack and then casually sniff them as if they were in the room alone. That's love! Oh, and it isn't real was my point. So I probably shouldn't have tried to end it with "That's love!" as if it exists because it doesn't! Nevermind.

Fake Constantine and Fake Zatanna and the real (I guess?) House of Mystery create a fake Alec Holland because The Green still kind of exists since the House of Mystery has its own greenhouse. They're still desperately trying to save the universe even though it's long gone baby! Forget about it! It's over! Kaput! The opposite of extant! And they aren't even real people anyway! Why should they care? Oh, that's right. Love! I forgot about fucking love! The power of love will keep the universe alive tonight! That's the power of love.

Alec Holland needs to rebirth Yggdrasil which will bring back the universe which has ended because that's how things go, guys. Everything dies. Except God, of course! God has always been and can't die because he (or she) was never born! She (or he) has existed forever because that totally makes more sense than a universe that has existed forever. Or else God was spontaneously created at some point which totally makes more sense than a universe spontaneously coming into creation. Wait. Now I'm confused. How is replacing "the universe" with "God" a better answer? It still doesn't make any sense a human can wrap their minds around, you whackos.

Look. We have proof of a universe outside of man and his creations. We have no proof of God outside of man and his creations. So how does replacing an infinite universe (or a universe created from nothing) with a sentient, all-knowing, all-powerful infinite being (or one that was created from nothing) make it more palatable? It's definitely not more logical and it takes extra, unneeded steps to explain the universe. I think this is where, if I were one of the youngin's, I'd shake my damn head.

Okay, you know what. I'm the one who used the word "palatable" so I can actually understand it in those terms. I take back my shaking my damn head. I get that the decision to swap out the random and inexplicable creation of the universe with a knowing and loving God offers comfort and meaning. So I get why people believe. And I get why people want to believe. And I get why people, even when they don't really believe, desperately leave the possibility open by not really thinking themselves out of it too much. I get it. Some people need that. I just wish people would understand that some people don't need that and that by not needing it, it doesn't make us arrogant or self-righteous. I think it just makes us stronger!

Was that a little bit arrogant?

Poison ivy! Come creeping up right behind me!

Swamp Thing recovers the real Justice League Dark from oblivion. I guess they were hiding in The Green because The Green was never totally obliterated because plants were still in the House of Mystery. It's all very complex and high-minded!

I currently have half of a chocolate chip cookie. Is there anything more disappointing in life than half a cookie? Okay, maybe sex with a man. But the half a cookie is a close second.

Yggdrasil explodes out of Pralaya who is consumed by her own self or something. She loses because the end of the universe is really just the beginning of the same universe. Duh! It was right there in the title the whole time! "Ouroboros!" Whatever that means.

Whoever created the word "Ourobors" was an idiot because the word should be a palindrome.

"...who'll ever know!" Convenient!

But is the universe restored exactly? How do they know that Yggdrasil didn't decide to throw in a few new flourishes that she had been pining for the last time around to spruce the place up?

Zatanna mentions how Pralaya still exists and she'll be back at the appointed time for the Big Sleep of Brahma. But since Justice League Dark decided that time wasn't now, I guess Pralaya has to slink away and change her calendar. What makes them so special that they can just interfere with the basic cosmic underpinnings of the entire system? And they called Pralaya arrogant.

Justice League Dark and the House of Mystery return to Earth to meet up with John Constantine. Zatanna hands over the keys to the House and quits. Everybody else quits with her because who wants to be on John Constantine's team? That's like signing your own death certificate!

Justice League Dark #40 Rating: No change. This whole story was a major let down. The Justice League Dark were forced into a mission to save the universe and restore it to exactly where it was before they had to save the universe. So it really didn't accomplish anything as a story. But I guess it created a Constantine and a Zatanna that get to live in a magical realm of love and unibunnies. And Yggdrasil is now a character in the DC Universe if she wasn't already. And maybe, if I'd cared more, I might have learned a little something about the strengths and desires of some of the main characters of the book. But who has time to read comic books that closely? I don't need to know more about Nightmare Nurse than that she looks like a sexy Sailor Moon when she's doing her magic. The most important part of the story is that Zatanna still loves Constantine but he doesn't remember her. But that was established before this story began so I'm just going to go with my initial reaction and say this story was bullshit that had no effect on anything or anybody ever.

The Flash #40

Vertigo-go-go!

If you're reading this comic book and not watching the television show of the same name, you should probably rethink your choices. I can't imagine that anybody out there is reading this and not watching the show. That's totally the wrong way around! You watch stuff first and then if you're interested in getting more of the characters from the show, you read the comic books or the sort-of-shitty series of books based on the show or you dig around for some fan-fiction because not enough of the male characters on the show are fucking each other. But who would read this and not watch the show? Watching television is so easy! And The Flash is so fucking good!

I appreciate Arrow for how it set up a really great way to present the DC Universe on television. It did a phenomenal job bringing the DCU to life. But holy shit has it dropped the ball! I'm so sick of characters suddenly despising other characters simply because they found out the other character was keeping a secret! And I'm seriously sick of characters simply looking at another character and realizing something is up. Okay, The Flash does way too much of this as well. Maybe I'm just not social enough but I can't remember the last time I was hanging out with some friends and one of them noticed that I wasn't quite my usual self and so they said, "How are you feeling? Something wrong?" And of course something was wrong and it had to do with them being a total dickhole but I couldn't say anything so I had to put up a strong front and say, "No, no! Of course not!" But really I was thinking, "You fucking dickhole! Stop being such a total dickhole!" I mean, that hardly ever happens to me in real life!

But damn The Flash is so good. It's making up for how horrible the previous Flash television show was! Holy fucking God that series was boring!

But enough about a television show that is so much better than the current story happening in this comic book with characters that are four-fifths legs. I think it's all the time travelling that's fucked up everybody's proportions. But that should all be fixed by the end of this issue! No more Future-Flash! Unless it winds up being no more Present-Flash? Whichever! I don't really care which one survives.

"You're right, Iris! Flash was going to kill that guy that is going to kill everybody else! He's a murderer! Except he didn't kill the guy who's going to kill us all so he's not technically a murderer yet. But that shouldn't stop you from writing an article about how he's a murderer! Because he did say he was going to kill the guy and there's no way that was just hyperbole while trying to scare the crap out of his opponent! Gosh, Iris! Flash is so much worse than this guy threatening all of these innocent people!"

As you can see from the previous caption, I'm currently not too fond of Iris and Patty. Sure, Future-Flash is a murdering sicko bastard psychopath! But they don't actually know that! They're jumping to all sorts of conclusions on the most flimsy evidence and bullshit hunches! Iris and Patty judging Future-Flash like this (even if they're right) is no better in my eyes than all the people that see Superman as a threat (even if they're right. I mean, seriously, Superman. How many times do you have to be mind-controlled before you realize you're a fucking danger to everybody?).

Future-Flash punches Overload in his Atomic Skully, Ghost-Rider-wannabe head but it barely fazes the guy. I'm not sure how it doesn't knock his head completely off. But he doesn't press the attack and put the guy down. No, why would he? Instead he tells Overload all about how he hunted him for years in the hopes of capturing him. Then he taunts him a bit with how his suit is immune to Overload's power instead of punching Overload in the face or picking him up and running him out to the salt flats where he can't pick up anymore power. He does nothing that a hero should do. Probably because he's not a hero! This is the proof that he's a villain! He can't help but tell his plan to Overload which gives Overload enough time to blow up Future-Flash's watch and mangle his hand. Ha ha! Serves you right, Future-Flash!

How about this question: "Why are you telling me all of this shit instead of stopping the maniac that's about to kill everybody?" Jesus fuck me Christ, Patty! Stop telling him stupid questions that you aren't going to ask him and let him save the fucking city already!

Sometimes I wish I were reading Marvel so I can point out how stupid their comic books are too! Fucking assholes that think Marvel shits pearls! I could so make you think otherwise!

Meanwhile in the dumb-dumb world of the Speed Force where Barry Allen has fallen for Hairy Potter's intricate web of lies, Barry is about to lose his power to Selkirk (aka Hairy Potter because he has a lightning bolt scar and a manly chest). He performs the ritual which he learned by wandering the world seeking out Speed Force lore and finding it everywhere he went, naturally! You don't get laughed out of higher learning because of your ridiculous theories and your shitty thesis without heading out into the world and finding proof for your laughable ideas everywhere you look! I mean in a comic book!

Back in the present, only a few people are killed while Patty and Future-Flash discuss how he betrayed her and lied to her and kind of raped her if you really think about it and how he needs to stop Overload without killing him. So Future-Flash runs around at superspeed using everybody's cell phones and it crashes the network. Well, LexCorps has a shitty network if it can't handle that little bit of data from the phones in the crowd which were already pinging the tower as people used them but then Flash like, um, overused them, I guess.

Overload is just happy that the buzzing is gone and he's hauled off by the police to be placed in a mental ward where they probably have lots and lots of buzzing due to the wi-fi and the doctor's cell phones and the florescent lights and the electro-shock therapy machines. And Future-Flash declares that he isn't the same guy that killed that college kid in an earlier issue. Totally different now. He's seen the light! Hopefully he still has time to stop Iris from running her "Killer Flash" story! I still don't see how she can think "Killer Flash" is the headline of the decade. Iris is an idiot.

Back in the Speed Force, Selkirk finishes the ritual and Barry gets his powers back. Selkirk burns off half of his face by getting too close to the lightning. He's already covered in scars. What's one more that takes up most of his head? As The Flash speeds off to leave the Speed Force, he leaves some of his power behind for Selkirk. I guess he'll be the villain after Conversation.

Or sooner!

It sure would be convenient if Selkirk murdered Future-Flash! Isn't it always nice when another villain can kill somebody that the hero doesn't know how to deal with or what to do with? It's always nice when they can have their murder and eat it too.

Or the other way around. Future-Flash, realizing that either he or Barry is going to blow due to some law of time travel or the Speed Force that he made up earlier, offers to sacrifice himself to take out Selkirk. That leaves Barry just swimming in murder which he can both eat and have at the same time!

Before Future-Flash disappears in a paradox, he tells Barry that he found a clue to their mother's murder: Thawne. Of course he doesn't spell that out for Barry so Barry isn't going to have any real idea what the fuck he said.

Oh come on! You never actually proved that he murdered that one kid that showed weird internal damage that could possibly have come from somebody using super speed! This is the weakest break-up of The New 52 so far! Although not the most surprising or the one anybody even fucking cares about. Seriously, Patty. You were a total placeholder.

Finally there's an epilogue where Selkirk, now featuring a broken spine, meets Professor Zoom. Is Flash only going to battle other speedsters in this series?

The Flash #40 Rating: -1 Ranking. How am I supposed to be happy that all of this time travel bullshit is over when the issue ends with the threat of fucking Eobard Thawne?! I'm time traveled out over here! And super-speeded out as well! Can't Barry just have a nice, relaxing battle with Captain Cold? I don't want Flash to return in June to "face his deadliest enemies yet." I want him to face his cuddliest foes! Where are the good-natured antagonists? The criminals with a sense of humor?! When is DC going to put the fun back in this comic book?