Justice League #38

The ability to turn his clothing into peanut brittle?

I'm going to become as great a detective as Batman! It shouldn't take too long because I don't mean to become the greatest martial artist or the greatest thrower of boomerangs or the greatest gravelly voiced, self-righteous asshole. I'm just going to be learn how to detectivate! And to get started, I'm going to read this:

It looks like Trixie Belden's first step in solving any mystery is to drop acid.

I don't currently have any acid so I'll have to learn to solve mysteries straight-edge style! Anyway, if I did drop some acid, the recursion on this cover would fuck me up. "But the girl on the book is reading this book! And it has a picture of herself reading the book that she's on the cover on! How have I not needed to pee for the thirteen straight weeks I've been looking at this cover?"

The inside cover blurb says, "So sharpen your pencils and your wits and join America's favorite girl detective for mystery, adventure—and fun!" Is Trixie Belden really America's favorite girl detective? What about Nancy Drew? Or Velma? Or the gayer Hardy Boy?

Lesson One is about Fingerprints! It's introduced with a cute little scene:

Trixie's "friend" Honey slips comfortably into the chair beside Trixie and hands her a book on fingerprints as she casually strokes Trixie's inner thigh. "Chick this shit out, bitch." Trixie picked up the book and casually, so as not to offend her friend, moved Honey's hand away from her sweetest of spots. "Hey, Honey! Did you know this fact I just learned about identical twins?!" Honey grinned mischievously and said, "You know it, Darling."

Then there's a ten question quiz to see how much you know about fingerprints! I'm no Batman but I want to learn to be like him, and if you do as well, take the test with me!

Answer True or False.
1. Fingerprint patterns are formed before birth. I say that's true! God thinks them up and then stamps them on the baby before he shoves it up the mother's vagina while she's sleeping.
2. Only on the fingertips can we find the ridge designs that make prints. False! Notice the quiz didn't end that sentence with "fingerprints"! It's kind of a trick question! Because my toes make prints too! I'm looking at them right now as I chew off this huge, yellow toenail!
3. Although no two fingerprints are alike, they all follow a few basic patterns of whorls, loops, and arches. False! Are those the technical terms used by detectives? What about rings and spirals, fairy bladders and duck spunk?
4. Identical twins have identical fingerprints. False! Their fingerprints are mirror images of each other! And the one whose fingerprint whorls go counter-clockwise is the evil twin!
5. A print on the left forefinger is the same as the print on the right forefinger of an individual. False! I'm looking at my own fingerprints and they're mirror images of each other! Like with twins! My left hand is evil! I hope it's not cheating looking at your fingerprints during the quiz.
6. If an injury to a fingertip causes a scab to form and fall off, the print always grows back in the same pattern. True! Law enforcement wouldn't even bother taking fingerprints if this were false! And criminals would constantly have bleeding fingertips. If it were true, you could just catalog all of the people that purchased belt sanders!
7. If one finger on a hand has a loop pattern, the other fingers all have loop patterns. False! My index has loops but my middle finger has arches and my third finger has whorls! I guess my pinky has duck spunk.
8. Some persons, unable to write, have "signed" wills and contracts with their fingerprints. Who cares? Why is this question in the quiz? It doesn't help me become a better detective! Unless, I guess, it shows that fingerprints are unique and can easily identify individuals. So, um, true! Don't be mad at me, Trixie Belden!
9. Ridge designs that make the prints have remained on fingers months after the person has died—and they have been used as clues. True! So don't try robbing my house, you dumb zombies.
10. A criminal who has had skin grafted to his fingertips to make them absolutely smooth need never worry again about being arrested on the basis of fingerprint evidence. True! As long as they don't spend hours in the bathtub where they'll get their fingerprints back.

The answers are:

1. True. I knew it!
2. False. Ha ha! Easy peasy!
3. True. I guess I was wrong about the fairy bladders and the duck spunk designs.
4. False. Bingo!
5. False. I got it right by detective work and not cheating!
6. True. Move over Robin!
7. False. Once again, correct by using deduction! Or seduction, maybe?
8. True. Winner, winner, vegan dinner!
9. True. I knew zombies were real!
10. False. What?! No way! The answers have a bogus story about a cop noticing a guy with no fingerprints and investigating him due to his suspicions which uncovered the man's criminal history. Bah! That's not being arrested due to fingerprint evidence! That's due to being arrested because of a cop that is breaking the fucking law and harassing somebody just because he didn't like the cut of his jib!

I'll take another lesson the next time I'm reminded that I want to be like Batman. I got 8 out of 10 right which is like 90%! With that score and an IQ of 28, I'm practically Sherlock Holmes already.

Now that I'm a Detective in Training, I have found a clue that tells me Geoff Johns doesn't know the definition of the word "conversely."

Batman has become infected with the Amazo Virus and can now unleash a Sonic Bat Scream. He uses it to defeat Patient Zero and humiliate Superman and Wonder Woman who were getting nowhere trying to subdue the monster.

Batman now has all the powers that a person would expect from somebody named "Batman" like echo-location. Batman decides that the Amazo Virus must base the super powers on the psychology of the person infected which is why Batman can now echo-locate like a bat. But Batman also says he's now blind so either Batman is dumb or Geoff Johns is because bats aren't blind at all! This is the kind of hooey I'd expect from an Ann Nocenti book! Batman does know bats fly, right? So he should be able to fly! Unless he only gets the one power which we'll call "Bat-Sense" since it seems to include blindness and echo-location which seem like two things to me but what do I know? Also, how did Batman not go deaf when he knocked out Patient Zero with his echo-location blast? Shouldn't it have come back at him?

Oh, maybe that's what's going on in this panel! He's being hit by his bounced back sound waves. Or he drank too much Bat-gin.

On the opposite page is the advertisement for Constantine's season premiere. You know what would have been better than constantly running ads for a show from October 24th, DC? How about running ads of when Constantine was going to return from its mid-season break the way you ran ads for The Flash and Arrow? I just happened to catch Constantine last Friday already on at 8:10 PM because I was getting ready to set up the Channelmaster to record it at 10:00 PM. And it wasn't the second half of the story that ended the season finale, so I guess I missed an episode the week before! You know what that tells me? No advertising for its return and changing the time when it did return? The show isn't getting another season. Fuckers. Just as it seems to be finding its groove! Felix Faust as villain with the Chaz back-story stuff was a good episode!

Batman collapses so Superman and Wonder Woman fly him and Patient Zero back to Luthor so he can save everybody. But speaking of Luthor, he was shot in the head at the end of last issue. But off-panel, of course, which means he wasn't actually dead. My guess was that Captain Cold protected him with an ice shield.

Yawn. Of course.

Just because I guessed that and every other major plot point in The New 52 since it began (probably! I wouldn't bother fact checking that statement because you'd just waste your time realizing it's true. Plus, just because it hasn't yet been revealed that Harvest is actually Vampire Tim Drake from the future, it doesn't mean he isn't), that doesn't mean I still guess everything that will happen in a comic book. Especially silly bullshit like this:

One winter it was so cold in Nebraska, I ran outside my front door and broke my nose on the air. True story!

Luthor needs to find out why people are trying to assassinate him, once over in Batman Loves Superman and twice in Justice League. So he wakes Neutron, the assassin that knocked over the vial containing the Amazo Virus and started this whole mess, from his coma to ask him some questions like, "Why did you try to kill me?" and "Why doesn't anybody love me?"

Before he can get any answers, Superman and Wonder Woman arrive with Patient Zero and Infected Batman. Luthor quickly wipes away his tears and begins working on the cure.

It takes Lex about thirty seconds to admit he can't cure anybody with this guy's blood and that he needs Superman's blood because Superman has already developed antibodies to the virus. He developed them four years ago when Luthor used it against him like a big jerk. Superman wastes more time being upset that Luthor wasted so much time before admitting to his subterfuge.

Who cares if Lex is lying, Superman? He has a completely valid excuse to try to protect the world against Phantom Zone escapees. Why should anybody trust you to take care of it? Especially when we've already seen how well that works out. It's like other countries having to rely on America to defend them as America gives them a big old shit-eating grin and says, "Trust us."

And then everybody comes out of their comas and begins talking like they are Legion because they're all now controlled by the Virus which is apparently some kind of hive mind single entity thing.

Justice League #38 Rating: No change. Oh! I've seen this kind of thing before in Detective Comics where Batman had the antibodies inside him that could save everybody in Gotham so he had to fly above them and pee all over everybody. So that's how Superman can save the world! He can drink a whole bunch of lemonade and then fly super fast all around the world with his cock hanging out and spraying his super urine into everybody's mouths! You probably don't even need to read Issue #39 since my track record of guessing plots is 100%.

World's End #16

Who decided to cover up Power Girl's boob window? That's like three quarters of what makes her special.

I think I need to start wearing a monocle. My left eye has finally decided to show its age and it's really pissing off my right eye that still sees everything perfectly. Or maybe I can hire a really tiny person with a squeegee to constantly clean off my left eye. Maybe it just has some smudge on it! Although a monocle would be cooler! Maybe a monocle wearing a fedora and a cape? That's like triple cool, right?

The current state of Earth-2 is "not good."

Our avatars suck!

That tree with boobs still confuses me! I guess I want to have sex with a plant? It was good enough for Abby Arcane, right?

The Red Avatar has been freed from Desaad's Clowning Facility beneath Geneva, along with all of his face paint and juggling pins. But Superman sacrificed himself to free the Red Avatar. It's a good thing he was still alive so he could die to further the plot. What a hero. And just in time because Queen Lantern is the only Avatar still standing against the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips.

Val-el, Replacement Batman, Power Girl, and Tornado Lane continue to have the most boring conversations on any Earth in the multiverse. They have destroyed the firepits and stopped Apokolips from creating more Parademons. And Replacement Batman is apparently out of Miraclo because he's moved onto even harder drugs.

Miraclo is a gateway drug!

While Replacement Batman tries to get the bugs out from under his skin, Power Girl and Val-el bury Superman. Then Val-el says, "He was your like father and your family," which totally makes no sense. But English is his second language, so I should forgive him. Then Power Girl covers up her boob window with Superman's shield and everybody is happy. Except for everybody. Mostly nobody is happy.

The team finds a jet for Replacement Batman because nobody wants to carry him and then they head off to join the Avatar battle that has been waging since the beginning of this comic book.

I thought Azathoth was dead. And where did Yolanda the Red Avatar go?

As Solomon Grumpy notes, reading issue after issue of an evenly matched fight is exhausting. I understand that the battle needs to be paced so that it ends at the appropriate time in relation to the rest of the story but that just means the reader has to be subjected to issue after issue of the combatants just standing around thumbing their noses at each other. But I guess now that the Wonders are here, they'll show the Avatars how little they were actually needed to save the world.

With Tornado Lane's help, Solomon Grumpy finally overcomes Pestilence (at least for now!). And Val-el peacefully strips War of her powers (at least for now!). Death's water breaks so she yields (at least for now!). And Kara tells Helena how much she loves her and reminds her that they never got to have that shower scene in Worlds' Finest that everybody was waiting for (I said everybody!). And then the moment we've all been waiting for! Yawning and kicking our heels and rolling our eyes and trying not to fall asleep as we waited, but we were definitely waiting for it! The birth of death's baby!

Whoa. That can't be normal.

World's End #16 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm so bored of this comic book! And what happened to the Red Avatar in that final battle?! I thought the Red Avatar was the hope that would help the other Avatars turn the tide? I guess I don't understand anything anymore.

Batman Eternal #42

Bluebird's identity is easier to figure out than Superman's.

Last issue was disgusting and we shan't talk about it any longer. Because it was full of semen! At least my issue was.

Harper Row has donned her sidekick costume because she needs to save all of the other sidekicks from The Mad Hatter's treachery! The exclamation point at the end of that sentence tells you how exciting last issue was and that if you missed it, you should feel empty inside. Now Harper is running across the rooftops like a Batkid. She's got what it takes to save the day! The skills (kind of)! The intelligence (her best attribute after her butt!)! The know-how!

Okay, maybe not the know-how. You're supposed to crash through that, stupid!

Harper has built a suit that repels nanobots. She's going to be rich! Every hero in the DC Universe except for Hawkman who currently wants to fuck a woman filled with nanobots will want to buy one! But instead of going on the Shark Tank to be scammed by multimillionaire scammers, she's going to use it herself and save the day. Or save the Batkids' day, anyway. I think there is too much day to be saved in Batman Eternal for a newly minted, wet behind the ears sidekick.

Meanwhile Spoiler wakes up in a strange room without her Spoiler costume. It took me literally eighteen years to figure out who she was without her costume on. And don't get excited thinking she was all tits and vagina swinging all over the room. She was wearing clothes but they weren't her Spoiler costume kind of clothes. Just a tank top and sweats.

Stephanie's mom sent Killshot to recover her and keep her safe before one of the other bounty hunters found her. Ha ha! Killshot! I bet Snyder and all the other guys writing this book had a good laugh about using him as the bounty hunter. What a stupid fucking name! The only way it could have been dumber is if they had used White Rabbit!

That's obviously a threat. From my experience, mothers are awful people! I hope my mother doesn't know about this blog!

Meanwhile Harper is completely fucking up her rescue attempt. She falls on her butt. Then she falls on her butt again. Then she gets the attention of The Mad Hatter. Then she shows her butt and it's definitely sidekick worthy.

See? Even Bowl Cut likes it.

By the way, the nanobots still look like semen flying all over the room. Everybody else's semen comes out in thick, glowing ropes, right?

Who else grew up in the 70s and had that Spider-man web making stuff? I know I seem to be a DC Man since I'm reading all the New 52 stuff but I grew up wanting to be Spider-man. I loved the cartoon and I had the Spider-Man Mego and some ship or something. Maybe I just used a ship from some other line of toys and called it the Spider-Ship? Anyway, the Spider-man web stuff came in a little tube that looked just like a crazy glue tube. And you'd squeeze a little out and stick it on a leaf and pull it along while squeezing the tube and stick it on another leaf and presto! Instant one strand of web that looked like a homeless guy just whipped out his half-erect cock and splashed pre-cum all over the bushes. Not that I realized that as a little tyke. But if you want proof that parents weren't uptight fucks in the 70s like they are today, that Spider-man web kit is proof. No parents ever tried to get it pulled off the market because it looked like their child was covered in semen. And they weren't fucking naive either like kids today like to think anybody born pre-1994 was. They probably just raised an eyebrow and looked at each other and laughed and finished off another box of wine. Nowadays, one fucking Playdoh dispenser looks like an erect cock and people go crazy!

Harper tricks The Mad Hatter into thinking she likes him and then she shouts, "Ha ha! Friend zoned!" and she kicks his hat off. Then The Mad Hatter falls down screaming, "I should have listened to the Meninists!"

Oh Harper Row. I would Friend Zone you so fucking hard!

If "Meninist" is a play on "Feminist," shouldn't it be "Menifist"? Or Men-I-Fist, amirite?!

Harper Row destroys The Mad Hatter's gigantic phallus with just a thought and it withers away into nothing. And all the children are free! Hooray! I guess. I kind of liked when they were all in one place and out of the way.

Batman arrives in time to feel like he helped stop Jervis. He discovers that Harper Row is a better detective than he is but only when she's investigating The Mystery of Her Brother's Stupid Butt. In Mad Hatter's pocket, Batman finds another one of the poorly printed invitations to the destruction of Gotham City. Those invitations really are boring. A monk must have designed them. Who does Batman know that's a monk and avoids all frills and bells and whistles and really cute fonts and possibly a little monkey drawn in the corner with a speech bubble saying, "Monkeys like butt secks!"

Harper tells Red Robin that it's been her lifelong dream to be a sidekick, ever since she saved Batman's life with a car battery. But Batman was always, "Blah blah blah!" Which was his long-winded way of saying "No." But now they all have to accept her because she solved the mystery and saved the children! Also, Batman said, "Hm." That's practically a guarantee of sidekickmanship! It wasn't like he said "-tt-"! That would have been bad!

And then Selina arrives at Stephanie's mom's house and captures her. The story is almost up to the preview story from a year ago!

Batman Eternal #42 Rating: No change. Doesn't this have to be over in ten weeks? Am I wrong about that? Shouldn't it only be a one year story?! I'm getting nervous! I've also figured out who the big bad villain is! It's Alfred! He probably printed up the invites on the shitty little dot matrix printer in his tiny little room in Arkham Manor because Alfred isn't allowed to use the Batcomputer for his own personal projects. Which might also be part of the motive for wanting to tear Batman down.

Futures End #38

This commentary is about to get confusing! Just remember that that one is Terry McBatman and the other one is Batman McBatman and that final one is Joker McBatman. Easy peasy!

JokerMcBatman is currently trying to kill Terry McBatman so that Brother Eye's current future can remain the present's definite future and not wink out of existence the way futures never do. Or always do? It's hard to say! I probably shouldn't try to understand it logically and just understand it comic-bookally. So comic-bookally, currently, in the immediate present, only Brother Eye's future where he's taken over everything exists. That's thirty years in the future (according to the five years in the future present that is taking place in Futures End!). And that's the only future that exists right now because everything in the present (future present, not present present!) is working out exactly right for that one specific future to occur and not one of the other ones from the infinite amount of other ones that could possibly wind up existing. Forget about all of those other ones because they don't exist so there are no future people in them worrying about traveling back in time to make sure their timeline comes to fruition. That just gets too complicated and an infinite amount of time travelers would just keep appearing and making trouble for Batman. Only the bad Brother Eye future exists and it will exist until Terry McBatman changes some critical things which will make everything different somehow and, hopefully, better.

But really, who cares? If you're ever in a situation where you love your life and somebody says, "I'm going back in time to change the future!", don't chase them back in time to make sure the future doesn't change. Just say, "Okay! Bye! Have fun!" Since you're currently where you are, things worked out in the past to get you there. Nobody is going back in time to change things. If they do go back in time, you still don't have to worry because they'll just create an offshoot dimension of your dimension. They'll basically remove themselves from your system and create an entirely new system whose future will be different. But you don't have to worry about that because remember that thing about how you exist already? Paradoxes don't happen. Probably! Maybe, just in case, you should send a cyborg after them to kill everything it meets.

Actual backwards time travel has two options. Option one is that everything happens the way it happens and has always happened that way. Which means that the person from the future appeared in the past and whatever they did was just part of their past. They'll always go back in time to fix whatever they want to fix and they never do fix it because they always have the motivation to go back to fix it. This is the way time travel works on Lost and Time Crimes. Option two is that the time traveler is removed from the current timeline and winds up in a new timeline that's an offshoot of the original timeline at the point where the time traveler arrives in the past. Primer is an excellent example of this kind of time travel. Back to the Future could theoretically be this kind of time travel except I think it loses the emotion and urgency if you don't believe that Marty is acting in one timeline alone. It's a good trilogy so I'll endure its shoddy time travel theories because it mostly plays by a consistent set of rules.

But time travel is all just fiction and speculation anyway, so who am I to say there are only two options?! I'm a fucking killjoy! Especially since I didn't really support one of my favorite versions of time travel which is used in Mostly Harmless where the newfangled Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy actually manipulates the time stream on the fly so that if you need a passing ship, it just changes everything in the timeline that needs to be have previously happened to suddenly have a ship flying overhead. That's a bit more like multidimensional capabilities though. Or omnipotence!

Batman McBatman! Meet Joker McBatman!

Joker McBatman takes an exploding brick to the head so that Terry McBatman has a few moments to fill in Batman McBatman on what is going on. Batman McBatman is all, "Yes, yes. I see. That's quite plausible. Only I could possibly have been responsible for the domination of Earth. And only I could possibly save it! To T-Tech!" Then he disappears while everybody's back is turned and they're all, "Wait? What? Where do we go?" Then Batman McBatman has to reappear and be all, "Um, come on. This way."

Terry McBatman remains behind to lead Joker McBatman on a wild goose chase.

Over in Metropolis, Doctor Polaris gets the stuffing beaten out of him by Superman (Psst! It's really Billy Batson!). But Firestorm saves his life because Firestorm still needs him and Ronnie Raymond's corpse if Madison and Jason are ever going to be separate again.

Elsewhere, Grifter is having mommy issues. Most of them have to do with Twofer Lana Lang suddenly claiming to be Fifty Sue's mom. Some of them have to do with penguins.

Don't worry, this issue also deals with some daddy issues too.

it wouldn't be a DC Comic without a daddy issue theme cropping up. And this is one of the most famous cases of daddy issues!

Futures End #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. I didn't like how Terry McBatman and Batman McBatman did not get into any kind of discussion about what the fuck is going on. I suppose Batman McBatman has been spying on him long enough to take him at his word? But still! Batman McBatman just came face to face with his future self stitched onto the back of The Joker's head and all he says is "T-Tech?" and "What is going on here?" What about "How the fuck are you from the future?" and "What are you supposed to change in the past?" and "If I'm partly to blame, why didn't you come see me first?" and "That Plastique has some ass, right? *batwink, batwink, batnudge, batnudge*" and "Why is my future self grafted to the future Joker?" and "I"m not doing anything you tell me to until you explain yourself!" and maybe even a few POWS! and BIFFS! and BOFFS! for good measure.

I didn't like the Firestorm scene because it was mostly Doctor Polaris wanting Stormguard to know that he appreciated his service for the country before Polaris kills him. I did like that Firestorm decided to treat his concerns legitimately even if his debate tactics were horrendous and childlike. Sometimes punching isn't the solution, guys!

I enjoyed the scene with Fifty Sue and her new parents. They're kind of a cute family.

I didn't like that Frankenstein's favorite poet was Milton. Pee-yuke!

Worlds' Finest #30

Intri just looks mildly annoyed. Like her jello mold didn't turn out, and Batman arrived before she could get the cucumber sandwiches plated, and Superman broke her "massager".

Ever since this comic book stopped being about Super Friendship, it became super terrible. I would say, "Who needed another Superman and Batman title?", but I already know the answer to that. Apparently the fans that actually pay for DC Comic Books pay for comic books starring Batman. Boring fucks. Stop supporting Batman over everybody else! He isn't that fucking interesting.

You know who's interesting? Power Girl's boobs! I mean, Power Girl! And The Huntress! And their friendship! And how they go on adventures and support each other and eat ice cream together and talk about how Power Girl fucks lots of guys while The Huntress side-eyes all of Power Girl's life choices! And now they're not in this comic book anymore! And probably just before the story where Power Girl's water went out and the city was demanding that everybody conserve water so she had to go shower with The Huntress! Now that story line is probably going to be used for Batman and Superman! Nice going, comic book fans that didn't support the Super Best Friends! Now I'm going to have to deal with the emotional confusion of getting an erection while looking at Clark and Bruce soap each other up!

I'll settle for these two showering together! I promise I won't be looking at Robin's underage fiddly bits! Not when Catwoman's are flapping all over the shower!

Catwoman and Robin steal a Segway from a guard on the docks and then I make an Arrested Development joke and create new lyrics to The Final Countdown. It's super hilarious, you guys!

Selina and Helena are out trying to rescue some women being held in a shipping container to be sold to slavers. It's the worst plot a comic book could use because how am I supposed to make jokes about human trafficking?

How many sex slaves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One but you have to break dozens of international laws and be a complete immoral bastard simply for a little bit of light.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Sex slave!
Sex slave who?!
Ha ha! I am not a sex slave at all! I am a federal agent in disguise! Now get on your knees, you filthy pig and international criminal and the worst piece of filth on Earth! You are lucky I do not put a bullet in your head! It's more than you deserve!

While Catwoman and Robin fall into the trap set for them, Terry Sloan tells his butler, "Ha ha! I am smart!" Then the scene shifts to Clark and Lois's place.

Kryptonite must come into play during Clark and Lois's fuck sessions or how else would Clark even feel anything? Maybe Lois wears a diaphragm made from a red sun?

Back on the docks, Batman comes to Catwoman and Robin's rescue because women, right?! Batman simply shows his face and the gangsters who trapped his family all activate the Semtex hidden in their teeth. Or maybe their teeth were made from Semtex so when they were scared and their teeth chattered, they'd blow up. It's a perfect plan! I mean, a perfect alternate plan for when your imperfect plan fails.

Later or something, Terry Sloan introduces Superman to Kryptonite. But only because Superman didn't remember being introduced to Kryptonite by Earth-Main-Earth Batman back in Batman Loves Superman, the Early Issues. During the festivities, Intri shows up because why not? The story was just getting interesting so let's snooze it up a bunch by letting Ms. Snoozefest show up.

Either her beehive hairdo is off-kilter or she ran out of the salon without removing the hair dryer. Or she has an actual beehive on her head!

Intri, once again, tries to get Superman to come with her to Apokolips because she's so Goddamned thirsty. But Superman says, "No!", and Batman says, "Yeah! I mean, no as well but yeah to agreeing with my friend!"

See, on Earth-2, Superman and Batman are friends. I know it's confusing!

Intri does have some great fucking heels though.

Remember how in that movie Explorers, the idiotic alien beings were fascinated by I Love Lucy and other old shows? In like sixty years, I'm going to make a movie where we're visited by a race of aliens whose culture was highly influenced by Dish Network signals of Mad Men! The most unbelievable plot point is that aliens were able to pick up a Dish Network signal without a Dish Network representative arriving on the alien planet and spending two hours every day for five weeks carefully trying to position the receiver so it could get a signal.

Is Intri's name supposed to have a connection of some sort to the sign nailed into the crucifix above Jesus's head? Is she King of the Jews? Where is her kingdom? Look at me? Am I a Jew?

While Superman lies around like a lazy bastard pretending that Kryptonite hurts him (he's such a faker baby!), Batman forces both Intri and Sloan to back down. Why does Earth even need more than one superhero? And by that one superhero, I am, of course, speaking of Björk. I mean Batman.

Intri winds up back on Apokolips without Superman and Sloan winds up back in his love nest with his lover Aadarash, his new pet rock, and his new prisoner, Val-el. And that's the last of that issue!

Worlds' Fines #30 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was much better than the other issues for inexplicable reasons. Maybe I was just in a better mood. Or maybe I actually enjoyed the art which probably wasn't to a lot of people's tastes but reminded me a bit of Crumb's work with a bit more polish and spit. And less semen and nipples.

Green Lantern Corps #38

In which The Flash stumbles upon Hal and John's sex games.

So I was thinking about what kind of man Charlie Brown would become when he grew up when I realized exactly what person he would become. So I made some comic strips about it!

That nutty kid!

I was also thinking that Twitter should change its name to "Wanna Know Who's Racist?"

Is everybody ready to see what John Stewart does when he isn't caught up in a cosmic crisis? I know I am! Although he's only got like what? Three issues left? I hope he just gets drunk for three issues and cries over Fatality.

The Bohemian Guardians offer to let Stewart lead the Corps but he declines because that's a sucker's job. Let Hal Jordan keep it after he returns from his Earth vacation. Stewart would rather hang out with the new recruits and get one or two of them killed.

Mogo is visited by some of Feska's people. Never mind how they found her or how their tiny ship traversed the vast distances of space! They're here and they've got a plot ready to go!

At first I thought Arisia was talking about John's skin tone.

So they all head off to Zarox where Feska will probably discover her son is the leader of the Shadow Market that is destroying her home planet! Well, maybe he won't be the leader. He was only like seven or something. But I'm sure he'll still disappoint her somehow.

Or maybe he'll just get kidnapped and used as leverage against the Green Lanterns. That will really force John Stewart to make a difficult choice between one person's life or another person's life!

Some weirdo named Ocula is running things and she doesn't plan on giving up easily. I wouldn't either. From what I've seen over the last three years, the Green Lanterns have the weakest weapons in the universe. They probably long for the days when all they had to worry about was a weakness to yellow.

The Lanterns catch Ocula easily enough but then instead of staying above the crowd of Zaroxans, they land amongst them and are attacked. Everybody seemed fine but then Ocula said, "Niagara Falls," and they all went apeshit bananas! So then Stewart lost Ocula as the Lanterns retreated to regroup and figure out how to save the Zaroxans from the mind control.

Meanwhile, Daggle and Hunger Dog forget who is whom.

Earlier in the comic, the speech bubbles for the Zaroxans and Feska were all screwed up as well. Somebody was drunk when they were putting this comic book together.

Daggle is still searching for his long lost partner and he thinks he finally found the moon she's hiding on. Do I really care about Daggle and his partner? That's Preboot stuff! Probably.

Back on Zaroxa, The Green Lanterns join up with Feska's boy, Zep, and Feska's mother, Grandmother. They warn them that monsters have arrived on Zaroxa! And Feska is all, "Pshaw! There are no such things as monsters!" And then she shoves Jruk behind John so she isn't instantly proven to be a liar.

Green Lantern Corps #38 Rating: No change. Boy, things sure are boring when a cosmic crisis isn't happening! This issue would have been better if the Corps went on shore leave to Wrigley's Pleasure Planet!

Batgirl #38

Is this how Batgirl's back was broken?

Deary Diary,

Today while enjoying a Twix at the student union and minding my own business and practically not being opinionated at all, some huge C-word called me "tone deaf" and "problematic"! It's like you can't even speak positively about Batman without everybody instantly believing you agree with his brutal tactics or his patriarchal corporate support or how he's become the first step in the gentrification of every gentrified neighborhood in Gotham. Hello, college students? Does nobody teach the term "cognitive dissonance" anymore?! After that, my Twix tasted like farts.

I mean, seriously Diary, it's like you can't say anything without having to footnote the ever stinking hell out of it! Every time I say something in class, I have to explain and explain and explain before some creepy ism-bully gets the wrong idea and turns the whole room against me! It's exhausting! And forget trying to backpedal once somebody has already misunderstood you! You're forever tainted because they're a huge idiot trying to look like the smartest person in the room and can never admit that maybe they made a mistake in their seemingly brilliant deconstruction of your words and that maybe I'm not as "gross" as they think I am! Ugh. I hope they get cancer of the everything.

Oh! One more thing before I tell you all about my most recent Mystery! I was finishing up a paper earlier in the computer lab and trying to think up the term "cultural appropriation." I know I have an eiditic memory but that doesn't always help when my brain won't spit out the word I know I want but can't quite seem to find inside my gorgeous face. So to solve the Mystery of the Word My Brain Decided I Couldn't Have, I went on Google and typed "white people black culture." And BANG BANG WET THE BED, the first link was an article on Cultural Appropriation. Batman might be The World's Greatest Detective but Batgirl is the World's Greatest Googler.

That sounded dirty! I'll think up a better nickname later!

Ha ha! Grump Canary is so pissed that I'm super popular and she's broke ass broke!

That was the last known photograph of Batgirl and Grump Canary together ever in the history of all future space and time because she decided to move out finally. And by "decided to," I kicked her the fuck out for being a jerk! Sorry about the language, Diary, but you know how I get when I'm trying to write in you but the pages are covered in my tears. Why does she think she knows what's best for me?! I make better decisions than she does sometimes! I mean seriously, she's dating Condom?! That guy is so creepy stalkery weird! And, let's face it, his costume is stupid as stupid goes. I mean, the colors are kind of on point, maybe a little darker purple and they'd be on pointer. But anyway! She chewed me out and I told her to move out!

I wonder if she's pissed that I owe her all that money for burning down her place and yet I haven't even helped her out. And then she sees me in a brand new costume with obviously two hundred plus dollar boots and she sees me with all my new Qadir technology and then I'm always on my smart phone with all the new apps and paying beaucoup bucks for my internet and college and sexy clothes.

Diary, don't tell her I said this but maybe I shouldn't have kicked her out? She's only trying to be a good friend while I spiral deeper and deeper into the narcissism of my new Burnside life. But then again, maybe she should just be happy for me! For once I'm having a life of my own that isn't predicated on What Would Batman Do?! I'm sure she'll get over it. Right, Diary?

Anyswayze, did I mention I was working on getting tickets to the policeman's balls?

Yes, Diary! Liam and I are dating! Although it's already been two dates and I don't think he knows how to play baseball! You should see what I was wearing! Second base was hanging out all over the place and he just kept staring longingly at first trying to figure out how to get there! You know what? Fuck baseball! I want to know if this guy plays Scrabble!

Whoa. Just thinking about his face in my Scrabble tiles made my legs go all jelly. Diary, sex had better live up to all these good time feelings just thinking about it gives me!

There's just the smallest, teensiest, weeniest little problem with Liam: he hates Batgirl. Poop.

I'm sure he'd change his mind if he got a close up look at my butt in the suit!

This is how I know I've been hanging around with Batman too much, Diary! People like sexy, did-you-see-his-fantastic-bulge Liam are now conflating his tactics with mine! I don't break the law! Unless you count the little laws that aren't really laws as laws. Like I probably shouldn't be trespassing. And I will admit to causing a bit of property damage every night swinging around with my Bat-Grapple. But it can't be illegal just happening upon a crime and stopping it yourself, right?! It might be careless or stupid but then it's also safer for the criminal! If I were to call the cops, they'd storm in guns blazing, possibly killing the perp. I don't kill! And I also don't break bones or do serious damage to criminals like Batdad! Criminals are lucky to be caught by me! I bet most of them put the experience in their spank bank!

I'm sure he'll change his mind once he realizes the super sexy vagina he's putting his manly man rod into is the same vagina on Batgirl! Not that he's done that yet! That was me fantasizing and messing up my pajama bottoms!

Oh yeah. Total La Brea Tar Panties now.

Whoops! I shouldn't have put that picture in my head! Now the first time Liam and I do it, I'm going to picture his cock as a saber toothed tiger sinking into my tar pit. I know I'm going to laugh until I pee! And that's probably not a turn on! And if it is a turn on for him, it'll be a turn off for me! Oh the humanity!

What if he is into pee play?! Do I skip my chance just because he likes to guzzle a little drizzle?! I think sex is going to be complicated!

Okay! Enough about my love life. Did I mention Grump Canary is now singing in a band?! I was hoping they call themselves Chocolate Starfish but they came up with a stupid name: Ashes on Sunday! What does that even mean?! And isn't it dangerous for Dinah to be singing in front of crowds of people?! What if she accidentally drops a Canary Scream?! Boy, she tells me I'm being irresponsible! She's being irresponsible!

And did I mention I'm pretty much screwed because I still don't have my thesis salvaged from my crashed hard drive and my adviser is coming back from his trip and wants to discuss it?! And did I mention that even Nadimah seems to hate Batgirl even though she was talking about some creep named Jordan Barberi who stars on a reality show called Gotham Heights?!

Speaking of Jordan Barberi, that's my next Mystery! I call it The Mystery of the Guy That Thinks He's So Special and Above the Law! I'll show him above the law! To the Batgirl Cycle!

So I got a little careless, Diary! I'm Batgirl!

Look, I know what you're thinking, Diary! I'm just proving Liam's point getting involved in dangerous car chases. I don't need you lecturing me too! Staring at me with all your blank pages saying, "Contemplate your past actions! Learn from your mistakes! Meditate on future, better courses of action!" I get it, Diary, I get it! You don't think fate decided to teach me a lesson right then and there, Diary? Yeah. Ugh. Now shut up and let me finish The Mystery of the Guy That Thinks He's So Special and Above the Law and How It Led To Me Probably Never Getting Laid Ever!

Yes, I caused Jordan to crash into a diner. And yes, Liam saw the whole thing and tried to arrest me. And yes, I completely humiliated him and caused him to fail at his job. And yes, I feel all horrible about it. Especially when he had to tell me all about it over coffee this morning. And I had to act all sympathetic and sweet and ignore all the parts of the story where he told it wrong and made it look like I was Grendel and he was Beowulf. And then he mentioned James Junior as if I'd told him about that. What?! Then his phone rang while he was in the Little Boy's Room probably touching his man-thing. Turns out it was...me calling?!

This is why I can't get laid, Diary! Maybe I should date a criminal for awhile?

I thought my life was supposed to improve out here in Burnside! Lead singer of Asses on Bumday Grump Canary had better not be behind this!

Batgirl #38 Rating: No change. Why do I like this book so much?! If this is a modern comic book then everything Dan Jurgens writes feels like it was recently found in a cave near the Dead Sea. Maybe DC should send Dan Jurgens to a mall food court to hang out for a few hours on the weekend. See what life is really like now.