World's End #1

Is The Huntress going to recognize Replacement Grandfather?

World's End begins with Alan Scott getting all of his facts wrong. He thinks that the DC Multiverse consists of an infinite amount of Earths created by every single decision that every single person makes on a daily basis. The reality of the DC Multiverse is that the only actions that mattered were the ones by Mr. Mind and they all had to do with his diet. Except I think everything is different now because Superboy punched reality and then Flash went back in time to keep his mom alive and then Pandora opened her box and Wildstorm lost their lease and had to move in with Vertigo but Vertigo was having problems too and had to let some people go and so they all crowded into Batman's house and that's why there are only 52 Universes in the DC Universe. Plus there's whatever dimension Darkseid lives in. And there are all the other universes that are alternate futures of the current 52 universes. Plus a lot of pocket dimensions created by crap writers like you know who and the other one.

Fuck it. Maybe Alan Scott is right! DC has never had a very good handle on their multiverses!

This issue is very creatively called "Apokolips Now." I'm sure that's never been used before. I wish I had the creative genius to have come up with that title! I would have probably called this issue "Tales From The Darkseid" or "Parademons Beats Paradise."

There are a lot of credits to get through but here's the one that I'm most interested in:

Oh look! Special Thanks to the other one!

Alan Scott remembers when he was gay before his fiance was refrigerated and he became Green Lantern and he lost all hint of his sexuality. But the flashback shows Alan and his partner having a rational discussion which isn't gay at all! Shouldn't there be lots of leather and ball gags and penises? This is confusing! According to these three panels of Alan and Sam, I could be gay! Am I gay?! They're not even discussing how oppressed they are which is a total cop out! Instead, Sam is telling Alan that he shouldn't be working on BOOM Tube technology with that asshole slimeball Sloan and Alan is telling Sam he's stupid and he should shut up. I'm paraphrasing!

In other news and panels, other people on Earth-2 once had loved ones as well! Clark had parents before Flip-the-Fuck-Out Superman killed his father (although Clark was already dead by then so I guess the panel is showing how happy Ma was before all this shit went down), Helena had non-dead (as opposed to undead) parents, Jay Garrick had a mother, Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon were having a baby (wait. What?), and Kendra and Khalid were friends or something. Earth-2 was fine and dandy and beautiful to behold! I think I'm supposed to have feelings but I stopped having those somewhere in my mid-twenties.

Terry Sloan (the original Mister Terrific! Now Mister DV8 or something) is shown not having family at all. Ha ha! Loser! That must be why he's searching other worlds for people to kidnap. Like Michael Holt (the new Mister Terrific!). He just wants a friend.

I think this scene is just showing how straights and gays have a lot in common. Being a straight, I put on my shirt one arm at a time after having sex with men too.

Over (or under?) in the 9th Dimension, Steppenwolf explains why he's keeping Mister Miracle and Big Barda alive. I don't know where the 9th Dimension is located or who in the DC Universe normally lives there but it looks like it smells like poo. Sorry for the extreme language and irrational judgements. I know I am better than that. You don't know I'm better than that because that's all I do in my commentaries. But I know I am! And that's all that matters because you're just a figment of my imagination.

Back in Gotham, Batman arrests Jimmy Olsen just before Jimmy Olsen saves the world. But Jimmy Olsen makes a mistake that will doom Earth-2 forever: he calls Batman "Bruce." No way is Jimmy Olsen getting a fair trial now! It's right into the stasis chamber with that know-it-all brat before he can blab his secret all over Earth-2's internet. Too bad Earth-2 doesn't have a Justice League because Jimmy Olsen just nailed the interview.

And then the invasion began!

Worst rallying cry ever.

The battle begins with Superman and Batman receiving lots and lots of character development and motivation when Lois and Selina are packed tight into an Earth-2 Frigidaire. Wonder Woman must not be currently fucking a woman because she doesn't get any character development at all. Maybe that's why her comic book has never been as popular. She needs more female lovers in her life so they can be killed and she can experience some character building.

Just like that time that giant squid creature exploded in New York, the world banded together when the parademons began invading Earth. See? Ozymandias was right! This comic book plot confirms that his plan to unite the world was a good plan.

Are you kidding? The Joker's motivation is the easiest one of them all to determine! He's fucking in love with The Batman.

Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman gave their lives to end the invasion from Apokolips. After that was five years of peace before Earth 2 #1 began and the shit decided to start rolling downhill once more.

Alan recounts the events of Earth-2. I'm not going to recount my commentaries of the events of Earth-2. So let me skip ahead here. Let's see...dead Sam...Solomon Grundy...Sloan's a dick...World Army hunts wonders...Bizarro...rich people die...Bedlam...Cern...Val-el...Apokolips faux retreat...World Army moves into Wonder Woman's backyard...and that's it! I think we're all caught up! I wonder if I should have read Earth-2 first this week instead of World's End?

That's also twenty-one pages of comic book and, according to the staples, I'm just halfway through it! And all for just $2.99! Suck it, Marvel!

A metaphor for what? A brand new day? That's not a metaphor! That's what's happening! Oh wait. I get it. Never mind.

The members of The Soon To Be Justice Society are busy cleaning up the world. Hawk Cop does it in a sexy Halloween costume that would be showing half of her pubic hair if this were 1974. She's also wearing a top with a nice big pull tab for easy unzipping by those nasty foes she might face. At least it looks like she's wearing proper combat lipstick.

Meanwhile in Chicago, shippers get to enjoy Grayson and Gordon in a long-term, baby-making relationship. Unless they don't care about it because this is just Earth-2 Babs and Dick.

Babs is a Chicago cop and Dick is a (excuse me while I vomit) journalist. Earth-2 should be referred to as the OTP World. It's given people Supes and Lois, Bruce and Selina, and now Dick and Babs! What's next? Barry and Hal? It better since that's my OTP. I mean, just after Jason Blood and Etrigan.

While most of the Soon To Be Justice Society are busy picking up the pieces, Replacement Batman is busy planning how to finish the war. Bedlam escaped with Holt, Sloan, and Mister Miracle. As long as he's still out there, the war isn't over and only Replacement Batman is worried about it (of course!).

I hope Val-el continues to be a pacifist since that's how Kal-el really should act. The only reason he ever needs to punch shit is because writers constantly escalate the threats. But Val-el was facing off against a Bizarro that was destroying the entire world and he didn't have to throw a single punch. All Superman needs to do is walk into a situation, grab people by their scruffs, and restrain them somehow (rope, zip ties, encase them in iron). He can't be hurt so why does he need to behave like the thugs that are attacking him and the world, right?

The World Army is still thinking like Replacement Batman. Commander Khan is working on figuring out how to shut down the fire pits and searching for Bedlam. If he shuts down the fire pits, will it release the Red Lantern?

Hawk Cop and Doctor Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs head off to intercept some new visitor to the world while Helena is reunited with Replacement Grandfather. That takes place in Earth 2 #27 so I guess I'm reading these in the correct order. And Power Girl is reunited with Tornado Lane, her dead, robotic cousin-in-law.

Or mother. Or pseudo-mother. Whatever. Stupid Earth-2 relationships!

And then the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips burst out of the fire pits to begin the ending of the world. Again.

World's End #1 Rating: I've been hoping for more Earth-2 stories, so I should be happy that we've now got a lot more Earth-2 happening to cover all of these characters. But I was kind of hoping to get Earth-2 stories that didn't revolve around more invasions from Apokolips. I know that boat had sunk a long time ago when Futures End began and we were told Earth-2 eventually succumbs to the invasion. I guess we've got a few months more of Earth-2 versus Apokolips before things can settle down and the Justice Society can begin battling Ultra-humanite. Overall, I enjoyed this and look forward to Dick and Babs and little Johnny getting some costumes thrown together. Also I hope some people die since it's only Earth-2 people! Nobody cares about Twofers!

Batman Eternal #27

Catwoman's grip is a little too high.

I forget who the new, crazy receptionist is over at Arkham Asylum but she doesn't know how to use a chair. Which is a good thing because she's super sexy sitting on the floor with her business casual skuit (is that the proper name for a skirt suit?) that she shrunk in the laundry. Unless she's wearing a Halloween costume: Sexy Receptionist! I hope Batman fights her later. In a hot tub.

Underneath Arkham are some strange looking inmates that are probably trying to escape from The Joker's Daughter and/or Maxie Zeus's reign of insanity. Oh, I should have said "insane reign!"

These inmates are Coughtopus, The Rude Dinner Guest, and Speckles.

Killer Croc meets up with these inmates and mentions that they have something called "the black-infection." That sounds an awful lot like the reason my racist cousin-in-law gave for selling his house.

I don't use the term racist incorrectly, I don't think. If not racist, what would be the correct term for a person living in a suburban, cul-de-sac neighborhood with dozens of identical houses who sells their house at a loss when a black family moves in nearby? I suppose you could call him a reverse house flipper?

Batgirl, having discovered that her father was still in Blackgate even though she brought evidence that would exonerate him all the way back from South America, has decided that she needs to speak with Commissioner Jason Bard. I don't use the term speak incorrectly, I don't think! Speak means to pummel somebody to within an inch of their lives while they scream in agony, right?

Batman and Catwoman are fighting gangs together for some reason. They must have just met up by accident and Batman decided he needed Catwoman's help more than he needed to lecture her.

Catwoman can handle "most" anything thrown at her? Most? But not all? I think Batman just alluded to Catwoman not being able to handle his cock.

I also don't think Catwoman would have thought pole dancing classes were "a bitch." Is she saying that stripping is harder work than climbing buildings, running around rooftops, sneaking into museums, fighting maniacs, and flirting with Batman? Ridiculous.

Later at Gotham Child Services, there is a revelation that perhaps was revelated earlier but I missed it. Jade, the girl that Killer Croc has been trying to bring back into his people's fold, is a McKillabody. That means she's related to the new Two-Face!

Oh wait! I spoke too soon. Batman has decided Catwoman needs a lecture!

Batman is going to be so angry when Catwoman is finally running Gotham!

Batman, being a gigantic idiot, needs to believe that Catwoman is ultimately a good person who will wait for him until he's ready to settle down and have a Robin with her. But why would Catwoman want to be with a man who only wants her when she acts the way he needs her to act? Batman may be able, one day, to control Gotham so that everybody feels safe. But Catwoman isn't his fucking city.

I really want a monthly title called Batman Loves Catwoman where she has all the power because she just likes fucking him but he's completely in love with her and desperately trying to get her to change her ways. I want a Batman/Catwoman comic that shows Batman doesn't get everything he wants.

Or just continue to have Selina pining for a Batman that isn't emotionally dead inside.

Why is Catwoman bringing home a stray cat? Oh! It's CAT-woman! Not CATWO-man! Goddammit, Ann Nocenti! You've had the character wrong all this time!

Killer Croc realizes Dragos Ibanescu now has Jade McKillagain so he's hunting him. Meanwhile, Dragos has partnered with Mr. Boner to use Jade to lure Catwoman to them because they both want Catwoman dead. That means Dragos and Mr. Boner are probably going to be in the hospital soon and Catwoman will be taking most of their business for herself.

Penny-Two has yet to learn to keep her mouth shut when it comes to Catwoman the way Penny-One has, so she keeps asking Batman intensely personal questions that Batman thought he'd never have to answer again once he got all of the women out of his life. Why do women need to know so many details all of the time?! Can't they be happy with the still waters of a man's expression that give no indication of what he's feeling or thinking or if he's even alive? Why isn't a grunt enough of an answer whenever they ask how a man's day went? Jesus. Do men actually need to participate in relationships?! That's asking way too much.

To keep from answering questions about his relationship (which isn't really a relationship!) with Catwoman, Batman nearly kills a man named Flamingo by forcing him to crash his motorcycle. Even if Flamingo had died from his injuries, it wouldn't have been Batman's fault since Spoiler set up the entire thing just to leave a secret note to Batman.

I first read that as #buttwrecker.

The issue finishes up with Batgirl dropping Jason Bard from a great height (because you can't go wrong with a person falling to their deaths cliffhanger!) and Catwoman about to get a taste of the bat's boner. I mean, Mr. Boner's bat!

Batman Eternal #27 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art was better this issue although Catwoman's butt was wrecked in a few panels. #buttwrecker

Futures End #23

Stuff is about to happen!

Hey DC Comics? Can you make this series more exciting? Thanks! Also, could you change the name? Futures End sounds stupid.

This issue begins strangely. Did somebody allow their teenaged boy to write copy for it?

"Microscopic badass"? "Winged A-hole"? "?!"? Wait. When did I start writing for DC?

Brainiac still wants to assimilate Hakwman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein so that Futures End #0 doesn't have to be redacted. The Engineer has become one of Brainiac's generals. She's different now because she has Brainiac dots on her head and no nano-nipples. It's also possible she doesn't have nano-nipples because DC is more conservative than Wildstorm.

They must have read Issue #0.

To escape, The Atom unminiaturizes the space ship where he was keeping it in his penis.

I don't make this shit up! Sometimes I don't have the visual proof to support the ludicrous things I say. But I do this time! So you should trust me every other time I say something crazy but don't bother to scan the picture for proof.

Even with that picture which obviously shows Atom pulling out his penis to eject a space ship out of it, you might think I'm being facetious. But look at Amethyst's face in that panel. She's absolutely shocked at what she's seeing! The Atom, contrary to what one might think, must be a show-er not a grower!

Stormwatch escapes in the Nan-Knight (get it? It's like nanite! But it's also like an armored grandmother! Wait. Now I don't get it) but they've taken The Engineer along which means they haven't escaped at all! She's part of Brainiac so now he knows exactly how to find them. If he even needs to chase after them. I'm pretty sure The Engineer can defeat The Atom, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein. Black Adam could be trouble but as long as she promises to get him back to Earth, he won't fight back.

Why is The Engineer still allowed to join super hero teams? I think she's been compromised well over eighty percent of her time in comics since The New 52 began. I can't remember how often she was hacked in The Authority because my memory is awful and I was distracted by her nano-nipples but I bet it was a lot!

Back on Earth, Madison Payne is having man problems. That's much more dramatic than a gigantic space battle. Please, let's spend many pages dealing with how angry she is at Tim Drake for lying to her about pretty much everything. How can she ever look at him the same way now that she knows everything he told her was a lie! She should just walk away since his name isn't his real name and his past isn't his real past and his truth was full of lies. But...but...she loves him!

How dare you try to put your past behind you by not letting the woman you love know your history so that she'd constantly be asking you about it! Asshole.

If I had been written by Scott Lobdell for three years, I'd want to forget about it too.

That's okay, Tim. Let her go. There are plenty of women out there that you can lie to and live happily ever after with. Unless Lois Lane publishes your secret. Although then you just get a new secret identity. I'm sure you have plenty of aliases ready to go. You don't grow up working with Batman without having a whole alphabet of plans to fall back on.

Yeah. And you're ignoring what's really important to him. So, you know what kids? Just chalk this one up to irreconcilable differences, mmkay?

Look, Madison is hurt because Tim didn't completely open up to her. But what the fuck does she want? Absolute honesty? Nobody can be absolutely honest with their partner in an intimate relationship! Because eventually you're going to reveal that one thing that's like taking the lid off of the Ark at the end of Raiders and your partner's face is going to distort and you're never going to come back from that much honesty ever. "For better or worse" is just something people say to get through the ceremony! Nobody really wants to hear the worst parts! Especially the worst parts that happened when you were a teenager and not quite a fully formed human being that understood risk and empathy and consequences! Those memories may be precious to the person they happened to because they helped form the adult the person later became. But they're most likely not going to be seen as cute, youthful indiscretions by your partner. And I don't mean the story about how you were jerked off by a bum outside the public library. I'm talking about the fucking your pet rabbit to death behind the garage kind of stories. I just picked that example at random! That wasn't any kind of confession!

Mad Payne walks out on Tim Drake who goes on to live a life of following her around and hiding in bushes. Madison goes on to begin another relationship with another guy who's harboring a secret: Ronnie Raymond! And his relationship breaking secret is that he's gay and not that he's 1/2 of Firestorm.

Meanwhile Frank Rock has become an old, forgotten war hero trying to relive the excitement and purpose of his past by turning into a manipulative, murdering Amanda Waller wannabe. He's trying to get the OPS, otherwise known as the Deadly Friends, otherwise known as Voodoo, Mercy, Bangers, and Mash, to take on one of his jobs.

Not the power of "a god" but the power of "the god." So she does nothing and ignores everybody while accepting the praise for performing miracles through doctors and firefighters and other people skilled at their jobs?

Meanwhile thirty-five years in the future (because I guess all time takes place at the same time and in the same brief instant as creation is here and gone in no actual time at all), Brother Eye has created his Terminator to travel back in time to kill Terry McBatman.

Isn't that clever?

Futures End #23 Rating: No change. Am I supposed to care about any of these characters? If so, I think I want Fifty Sue to win. And by win, I don't know what I mean. Is their a conflict in this comic book somewhere? I mean aside from the one between five years from now Mr. Terrific and Mr. Terrific thirty-five years into the future.

Detective Comics #35

Why is the monster variant of Detective Comics just Batman eating a peach?

I feel like I'm missing an important piece of the story each month due to the variant covers. Perhaps I should start Googling them to see what the real covers look like. The real cover looks like Batman on a plane full of corpses. I wonder how much airlines charge dead people to fly? Are they considered carry-ons?

I have a little piece of dried flesh from a cat scratch on the pad of my index finger so that every time I pick my nose, it feels like I have a big crusty booger on the end of my finger. Then I'm disappointed when I try to eat it.

That was a joke! I don't eat my boogers! I never have! I was one of those kids that would wipe his boogers on the underside of his desk in elementary school until they were razor sharp and cut whoever else tried to sit there. I don't enjoy that pastime anymore. Now I only pick my nose when it's absolutely necessary. Like when it itches or something. More often, I just yank out huge, mutant hairs that have begun growing up there. Am I a mutant?

This month, Detective comics has a new creative team! I don't know who any of them are! Let's see...Ben Percy is a young thirty five year old guy that has written short stories about the Oregon desert. That sounds exciting! John Paul Leon drew for Milestone Comics. If his work in this looks familiar, it's because he drew the Red Thunder stuff in some New 52 Animal Man issues. And the other guy is like the colorist or something. Do I really need to know anything about the colorist?! Seriously, my old brain is overloaded with information. Even if I look it up, it won't last up there. It'll get bounced by the part of my brain that remembers the name of every Smurf. And, God forbid, what if it actually replaces that information?! How am I going to impress women at parties?!

Is Bruce taking a vacation to the Oregon desert?!

As Bruce waits to take off in his private jet (enjoying some coffee and walnuts the way billionaires love to do), he learns from a reluctant Alfred that a plane is landing that has lost contact with the air traffic controllers and is probably full of evil dead people. Alfred is all, "You really should let the cops get killed trying to do their job." And Batman is all, "I didn't want to go to Oregon anyway, jerk! Now get me my suit!"

I hope it isn't the Langoliers!

The plane lands and then crashes into Terminal 1. Bruce Wayne looks side eye at Alfred because of course Gotham Police would screw this up! They have never been good at their job ever! That's why Gotham, the television show, is going to be twelve seasons of Gordon convincing a bunch of cops to straighten up and stop collecting bribes and to stop beating witnesses and to stop being assholes but he still won't make them any good at their job. But he will keep convincing a growing Bruce Wayne that "The city can be saved. Seriously, kid, the city can be saved! You have to believe me that those fires will be put out and the city will be saved! Never mind how much crime is exploding all over the city; it will be saved! OH MY GOD WHY WON'T SOMEBODY SAVE THE CITY?!"

Batman is the first person aboard the plane after it comes to a stop because of course he is. You don't see the monster version of Ed Boar, Chief of Police at Gotham International Airport on the cover, do you?!

That's Ed Boar, by the way!

Batman recruits Ed Boar to help him detectivate all over the plane.

"We'll solve this mystery together," shouts The Batman!
"But I have never solved a mystery before, The Batman!" complains Ed Boar as he balds.
"Do not worry, Ed! It is easy! It is very easy for the World's Greatest Detective!" Batman winks. "That would be me if you have been living under a rock in a cave for many years, Ed!"
"Where do we begin, The Batman?" asks Ed amateurishly.
"Look for clues! The dead people might have some clues on them, so be sure to search the dead people very well. I will check the liquor cabinet and the snack tray!"

Look! Batman quickly pretends to see something so that Ed Boar believes that Batman is the best detective in the world.

Batman decides the entire airport needs to be quarantined because everybody on the plane is dead and some fool opened up the plane brashly. "Who was the fool that opened up this plane?" Batman asks. "Did anybody see the fool that did it? No? Nobody? Nobody witnessed it? Good! I mean, darn! That's one clue we don't have!"
"What will we do now?" asks the world's worst detective, Ed Boar.
"Now, we turn on the television because the news usually has some really decent clues to help clue us in on what the story is about."

Magnus Magnuson sounds like a familiar name. Maybe that's because it's the same name twice.

Detective Comics #35 Rating: No change. Batman has a mystery to discover! And he only has eight hours to discover it or else everybody will die! This comic book seems to be in poor taste what with everybody dying of ebola in a few months. I'm not amused!

Swamp Thing #35

Swamp Thing's nemesis should be The Parking Lot.

Due to various reasons (the main reason being that DC won't stop publishing way too many comic books each week), I'm two weeks and two comic books behind. That's not counting Green Arrow #35 which apparently never shipped anywhere in Portland. I think checking two comic book stores qualifies as a big enough sample to draw that conclusion. I knew I should have picked it up when I saw it in Mile High Comics in Denver! Stupid! I'm mentioning this because people are probably thinking, "Why the fuck is Tess writing about a comic book that came out two weeks ago? Everybody was done talking about that comic book when the solicits came out six months ago." I don't actually know how far in advance solicits come out but then that quote wasn't me so I wasn't wrong if the information was wrong. The idiot I was quoting was wrong. And since I was quoting a reader, you might be the idiot!

This issue begins with the origin of curiosity.

Most lives consist of lots of if/then statements that lead to a multiplicity of subroutines. Right now I'm stuck in an if/then loop until I finish this commentary and then I can goto Titanfall.

The impulse is the germination of A Calculus, the guy in the suit with no face that appeared at the end of last issue. He represents machines or efficiency or artificial intelligence. He's a salesmen or a preacher come to sell Swamp Thing a better way! I don't where the better way leads but I feel like it leads away from fun, emotions, wanderlust, and desire. A Calculus is probably all about getting shit done! I hate them already!

I gotta say, I'm emotions!

Now the Monorail Song is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, Lyle Lanley!

I just did some fact checking to make sure I got Phil Hartman's Music Man con artist character's name right and was thoroughly surprised that I did. I don't know what's wrong with you, brain. Why can't you think of the name of people close to you while you're talking with them but you can come up with a twenty year old character from The Simpsons?!

A Calculus offers Alec a deal: Alec allows A Calculus to manage The Green and Alec gets to run around and play superhero. A Calculus makes it sound very appealing, just like good salesmen do. You know, they lay out all the benefits until you're practically shoving the money into their hands before finding out the cost. So, A Calculus. What is this going to cost Swamp Thing?

Swamp Thing, being a better and more informed shopper than I ever was, doesn't even care what the price is. He just tells A Calculus to fuck off and they fuck off.

Jonah, you Luddite! Also, you pine tree!

I guess the idea of the machines running The Green was more of a Shelbyville idea!

Swamp Thing discovers The Machine fortress up in the Arctic where they're sure to never run into any do-gooder heroes because why would any of them ever fly around in the Arctic? Swamp Thing considers sinking their fortress but decides he'll wait until they give him reason to.

I guess next issue he'll have reason to! Jonah was right! I guess even a clock smashed by a Luddite is right twice a day!

Swamp Thing #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. Those salesmen that won't take no for an answer aren't the worst kinds of salesmen. The worst kind are the ones that take no for an answer but then come back later to murder you.

Grayson #3

Even when he's a monster, it's all about Dick Grayson's ass.

Spyral has been hunting body parts much the same way that that one person hunted body parts and then found all the body parts except the penis but who the fuck needs a penis anyway? What good is it? Sure, it makes the testicles look less ridiculous by bisecting the sacky, odd hanging little scrotum. But what else is it good for? Oh, sure, it's lots of fun to put in your mouth and feel its veiny goodness grow harder and harder against your eager tongue. I suppose if you're born with a penis and you're used to having a penis, it would be traumatizing to have it eaten by a fish. But don't worry, folks! That guy that I was talking about never lost his penis! That was just Greek propaganda! Or, more likely, Greek error since they seemed to get a lot of shit wrong. People like to talk about all the great advances they gave the world but if you compare the stuff they knew to the stuff they got wrong, you'd probably have to admit that their discoveries were entirely accidental. If I had a few thousand years to make up all kinds of stupid shit, some of that stupid shit would invariably wind up being true.

The body parts Spyral has been looking for used to belong to a person named Paragon. That person also has some connection with Stormwatch and why they're currently disbanded. And that's why Midnighter has been seen in this comic book. Midnighter has also been seen in this comic book because he hasn't been allowed to beat the fuck out of Batman yet, so he's going to take a shot at Dicky-poo instead.

Currently Dick and Helena need to hunt down Paragon's eyes which are probably being held by a guy named The Old Gun. He's old and he shoots guns.

Seems like a sensible plan.

Since this Old Gun guy exists, and the Ten-Eyed Man exists, I'm just going to assume that a villain exists in the DC Universe that can see through his penis and one that can see through her breasts.

The next scene where Dick Grayson meets Agent 8 may go down in history as one of my favorite scenes ever in comic book history. Sure, sure. It's a little bit obvious. Female agent teaching male agent how to work his gun so that it results in a female orgasm. Or something. Well, Tim Seeley did it better! But the way the scene finishes with Agent 8 helping Grayson steady his gun and telling him to cause the explosion leading to a turn of the page where the reader is greeted with this:

Magnificent!

Who knew my earlier rambling about penises would pay off so quickly!

The pillowy gun talk that follows sucks because it shows Tim Seeley is entirely too competent and knows what he's doing. Dick is in good hands. Which means I'm not going to have any fun at all trashing this comic book as I read it. Suck it, Tim Seeley. How dare you ruin my good time.

During the pillow talk, Dick points out that guns don't solve problems. Dick wants to help The Old Gun and shooting him is the least helpful thing he can think to do. So now Dick is going to have to teach Agent 8 how to rely on things other than guns! And most of those things will probably have "bat" shoved onto their names.

Dick and Agent 8 and Agent 1 and Helena all head to Kuala Lumpur where Dick encounters The Old Gun during the one moment Dick can be sure The Old Gun's eyes are holstered.

That's a weird place for great big windows! They must have been installed for plot reasons.

Dick kind of fucks up the mission so that the other agents ditch to meet up again later. Or maybe Dick didn't fuck it up at all but wanted to help The Old Gun without the other spies breathing down his neck telling him to stop being such a do-gooder. Except that plan fails almost immediately and Agent 1 saves Dick's life. In doing so, they have to let The Old Gun get away. But they don't take his eyes. I would have taken at least one of his eyes!

Look, he's not going to use a gun! So give him something he will use! Like a couple of sticks!

Dick Grayson decides he needs some proper intel on The Old Gun so he calls up Batman and asks him to feed some punch cards into the Bat Computer. The Bat Computer spits out a note that says The Old Gun has a preschool aged son. Dick realizes that must be why The Old Gun wants Paragon's eyes for himself. It's much easier to look at your son in public if you aren't sticking a gun in his face.

Using his new, useful, non-Spyral information, Dick Grayson intercepts The Old Gun to try talking to him again. This time it works and The Old Gun gives Dick the eyes because he can't use them and everybody has a good laugh! The end!

Whoops! Wait! The comic was supposed to end on the laugh, right?!

The Old Gun was shot by Agent 8. In retaliation, The Old Gun shoots Agent 8! See what happens when you rely on guns, Agent 8! The whole world goes blind! Or something.

I want a hand embroidered quote to hang on my bathroom that says, "Gunliness is next to Godliness." I once took a Shakespeare class in college where the professor mentioned how much he loved a specific quote (which I can't remember so I should make it up just to improve the story) and said he'd love to have it hanging in his house. So on the day of the final, a girl from class gave him the quote, hand embroidered and framed. He gave her an A and let her leave without taking the final. I got an A in that class too and it also had to do with a gift with "hand" in its name!

After the shootout, we learn Agent 8's name is Alia but she's dead now so it hardly matters. Agent 1's name is Tiger. And Agent 37's name is Dick Grayson!

Here are more secrets known to Spyral! Too bad this secret is known to everybody already.

Grayson #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. If Dick Grayson can become my favorite character after hating him for twenty-five years, I wonder if I'll love Vibe when I'm 68?

Aquaman and the Others #6

Welcome to the 90s, The Others!

I bet you could replace the punch line of any joke with "Aquaman!" and it would still be funny!

"How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Aquaman!"

Okay, maybe my theory was wrong. But at least I took the time to try one experiment before declaring if it was or wasn't valid. Maybe I just inserted him into the joke poorly. Let me try another one.

Aquaman walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We've got a drink named after you?" Aquaman perks up, excited to finally be recognized, and asks, "You've got a drink called a Big Dumb Stupid Loser Face?"

That joke needs some workshopping but I think it's close!

This issue begins with Aquaman and Mera looking dopey.

They look dopier in the full body shot that left off their feet. But I didn't want to waste the storage space on a full page scan.

The person Aquaman is speaking to is Vostok-XI. But Vostok-XI, being a clone of Vostok-X, still thinks he's Vostok-X. I suppose if he'd been cloned early in Vostok-X's life, he'd think he was Vostok-IX! But Aquaman and the Others, being that they don't live in the Marvel Universe, have not had a lot of experience with clones.

Let's take a quick statistical look at this comic book after three pages, shall we?

Number of Panels: Two.
Number of Seagulls: About thirty-seven.
Idiots That Don't Know Their Roman Numerals: One (at least).
Idiots That Don't Know Their Alphabet: One (at least).
Ya'wara's Butt Cheeks: Zero.
Bored Readers: One that I know of. Actual number probably equal to the number of issues this comic book sold.

iSpy's son, Aaron, is the idiot that doesn't know his alphabet or his Roman Numerals. He thinks that this Vostok, being a clone of Vostok-X, should be called either "Vostok-II" or "Vostok-Z". He's wrong on both counts!

Anyway, who is Vostok-X?! I hope this doesn't turn into a five part story to find out because I don't really care! He's a Russian guy with a magic helmet that lives on the moon. So what if there are two of them? Or were two of them. Just pretend this guy is the real one and get on with telling another story in which he dies. Aquaman decides a replacement copy of an old friend is just about as good as having the old friend back and that's good enough for The Others.

Cool kids? What cool kids? Where?

Aquaman shows Mera just how deluded he is when he tells her that the world needs The Others. Why? What have they ever done to help save the world? I think they hunted down Black Manta and pissed him off which eventually got two of them killed. And they battled a guy that only wanted back the antiquities they stole from him. I think what Aquaman meant to say was that Dan Jurgens needs them or else he isn't going to be getting much of a paycheck from DC.

Four more pages in and the Seagull Count has increased by about 34 more!

Ya'wara and Sayeh head to Tehran where the number one concern is that Ya'wara not go outside because she's practically naked and she'll inadvertently give all the Iranian men boners and then they'll have to stone her for being a vile temptress. Unless the main concern with her roaming the streets is that she's wearing two big daggers on her hips.

A lot of other boring stuff happens and there are more seagulls. And then something less boring happens! Unless it's more boring? I can't tell. Anyway, it's different.

Dan Jurgens was only allowed access to the most boring and inconsequential villains of the DC Universe.

KGBeast isn't alone. He's working with a woman in green. She's probably The Leprechaun and her main concern is a united, peaceful, powerful Ireland. They're probably in a group with other Nation-themed villains called The United Nations of Pain! KGBeast tosses iSpy off of the roof of a building because a comic book hasn't ended with the hero falling to their inevitable deaths in over a month! Mostly due to the Futures End issues not having cliffhangers.

Aquaman and the Others #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is so fucking boring I might actually stop reading one of DC's New 52 soon.