Batwoman #3 (May 2026)

You're allowed to be lesbian in the DC Universe but your partner can't have a face.

Batwoman #3 (May 2026)
By Greg Rucka, DaNi, Matt Hollingsworth, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Cover by DaNi and Matt Hollingsworth
Edited by James Reid and Rob Levin

Even though I don't totally know what's going on in this comic book series, I'm still reading it. And it's not because my male gaze keeps reminding me that the main character is a lesbian who might engage in lesbian sex. What even is lesbian sex? And as a mostly hetero male, why would I be interested in it? It's not for me no matter how many extra boobies and vaginas there are! It would be philosophically wrong for me to eroticize the passionate lovemaking of two women who are not engaging in the act to make some dude's penis erect! Which is why I'm totally reading this comic book because of Kate's dad, Patriarchy Kane. I know the lessons he needs to learn are probably the lessons I need to learn! So if anybody walks into my private office while I'm reading this comic book one-handed with my pants around my ankles, it's because learning about how the Patriarchy fucks us all makes me super horny.

I think I've made my intentions clear while indicating exactly how awesome a human being I am so let's read the comic book now! Just let me drop my boxers and we'll start!

Wait a second. Women naked in showers can be sad?! How do you jerk off to that?!

DaNi needs to take the David Finch School of Drawing Women in Showers so that my penis can weep semen instead of tears. Seeing Kate Kane crying in the shower making herself as small as she feels has me thinking that maybe women have internal, secret identities (some would say "individuality" and "agency" and maybe "autonomy") that have nothing to do with the men that surround them and try to imagine them naked? Is that possible? Or is this just part of the comic book fiction?

Hey, do y'all remember Bitch Planet? That was a comic book I did some blogs on which I stated right up front, "This is probably not a comic book that I should comment on!" And boy was I right! I probably shouldn't comment on this comic book either but eventually Kate's going to battle a Chupacabra and then it'll be right up my Jeopardy knowledge alley: Cryptozoology, Batman Family, and Lesbians! The other three categories would be Alice Cooper, Sour Candy, and Names of Smurfs.

I'm not sure why Kate is hiding in the shower but it might have something to do with Batwoman and how Batwoman killed dozens of people the previous night right in front of her father. Is it the killing that disturbs her? Was it the people who are after her (her hot sister included) that has her shaken? Is it a lady thing? When does menopause start? 28? 29?

Oh! Maybe it's the execution that has upset her. Her first kill, maybe? Worried about Batman's upcoming scolding lecture?

Because I don't totally know what's going on in this comic book, I don't have a lot of insight into what Kate's going through. Some people might say I don't have a lot of insight into what Kate's going through because I'm a sexist asshole who is also dimwitted. And that's fair.

Despina is the leader of an ancient Greek menstruation cult who wants Batwoman to join the cult. Despina and her cult might also have ties to Darkseid. Perhaps Beth, Kate's sister who loves to show off her pantaloons, is also involved. Or she's finally, actually dead.

Despina's lackey, Pagona, was the one that said Batwoman needs their care. Despina thinks Batwoman has just declared war on them and maybe bringing her into the cult just can't happen now. So they're going to have to war right back at Batwoman. Despina, Slay, and the cis guy whose name I don't remember are like the aggressive guy in the bar who does everything he can to piss somebody off so that when they call him out on his behavior, he'll feel justified in punching them in the nose. They say Batwoman has declared war without taking any responsibility for all the shit they did that forced Batwoman to defend herself.

Patriarchy Kane visits Kate's doctor, a woman, to tell the doctor, a woman, what she needs to do to control his daughter, Kate, another woman.

So the lesson I should be learning from Patriarchy Kane is to not tell women what they should do to protect themselves? They can think for themselves? Hunh!

I imagine I'd be a better adult male if, as a child, I had seen an episode of In Search Of . . . that was in search of "Women's Liberation". But Leonard Nimoy never did that episode for some reason. Maybe because it was the '70s? Although that was the best decade for it what with Gloria Steinem and the Equal Rights Amendment and Susan Sontag! People were in search of women's lib all over the place in the '70s! I think they almost found it and then the Reagan Conservative Blitz of the '80s was all, "No way, Joe-say! Women got no say, no how! Also the gays and the blacks! Everybody but white men shut the fuck up!" And that's why society is terrible now!

For younger people wondering what it was like to live in the '70s, especially in the place I grew up (the San Francisco Bay Area (no, I didn't grow up in San Francisco! Just nearby!)), I highly recommend Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City. I first read it in college which was a little bit less than 20 years after it was written. I just reread the first two books earlier this year (still looking for a used copy of Further Tales of the City to continue the series) and it's such a cool, casual look into the culture of the time. And the mindset of the people who are supposedly "living in a bubble". Weird that the people who accept everybody else are the ones who have been blasted as being out of touch.

If you are younger and decide to read it, keep the Internet nearby to look up every reference you don't understand. It'll be worth it!

Later, Patriarchy Kane snitches to Patriarchyman about Kate murdering a guy.

I don't know what Batman's going to do. Ask Alfred to prepare the Bat-Finger-Wagger?

The next night, Batwoman hits the town again and, geez, maybe it's not Batwoman after all? Kate assured the doctor she hadn't left the premises the night before. Why shouldn't I believe Kate?! Plus we've got that no-faced woman on the front cover being all, "Why am I on the front cover?! Could it have been me doing the killing and executing?! I'm fucking Lesbian Rorschach, bitches!"

I just now, all these years later, realized how fucking genius it was of Moore to turn The Question into Rorschach. That guy's never going to not fucking blow my mind. Just over and over again. The Master! Plus my memory is so shit that maybe that has already blown my mind five or six times over the years and then I pleasantly forget so that I can have my mind blown again at a later date.

Anyway, back to Batwoman being The Question . . . I was wrong. Terrible supposition. Stupid Comic Book Reader! The Question comes to aid Batwoman in a battle against Pagona when Batwoman breaks into Gores' penthouse office. They drive off Pagona and then engage in some lesbian stuff.

Is this how lesbian sex always ends?! I don't think I'm into that at all!

The Ranking!
At least the encounter with Montoya keeps alive the supposition that this isn't actually Kate Kane. Except that Montoya seems to recognize her. But that doesn't matter being that this is comics. Perhaps Kate is being manipulated by mind control through her therapeutic sessions in the asylum. Therapist does literally spell "the rapist" and they can delve into your mind without consent and pull some icky strings, right? Or maybe Beth has returned as Batwoman? She'd make a good evil (and sexy!) Batwoman, right?! If I knew more of the story that took place previous to this series, maybe I could make some more educated assertions. Also if I were smarter. That would probably help. I guess if anybody can figure out what's going on, it's Patriarchyman! I sure hope he swings down to solve the case soon!

Batwoman #2 (April 2026)

I got the regular cover because none of the variant covers featured Beth's undergarments.

Batwoman #2 (April 2026)
By Greg Rucka, DaNi, Matt Hollingsworth, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Cover by DaNi and Matt Hollingsworth
Edited by James Reid and Rob Levin

Personally, I think Batwoman should respect herself more by choosing a less derivative name which rides on the coat-cape of Bruce Wayne and exemplifies her assets¹. I don't know what those assets are but I think they're somewhat akin to Dana Scully of The X-Files fame's assets. Not just because they both have red hair but because they both investigated paranormal activities while also being Catholic² and rational³. And you didn't see Dana Scully taking up the mantle "Fox Mulder Woman". Although that's what I called her in my '90s fan fiction epic "Fox Mulder Woman meets Sailor Moon Boy".

Speaking of Batwoman's derivative name, I had to check to see if, after having Batman, Manbat, Batwoman, and Batgirl, there has ever been a Batboy. I know I'm not the first to follow this thread into the vaults of DC's history but I'm happy discovering things on my own instead of just passively reading the Internet and learning whatever other people choose to teach me. I actually go out there and do my own research which is why I now believe that Covid was a hoax, 9/11 was an inside job, the British Royals are all lizard people, and the original Fruit of the Loom logo did have a cornucopia. You just can't make up the kind of things the wackjobs on YouTube scream endlessly.

Anyway, I "found" this cover from 1955 which teaches us two things: Batboy existed and people in 1955 had zero cynicism what-so-ever. I mean, Batboy's a guy who shoots sticky material out of the end of his phallic symbol? Batteen, maybe. But Batboy?! Unbelievable!

If Batboy were created in 2026, the creator would have to register as a sex offender.

I can't tell if Robin is impressed by Batboy's load or shocked that Batboy can already produce, um, webs. The only explanation I can come up with for Batboy having a bat that shoots web is the disgusting one I mentioned earlier so I have to assume that the person who created him in 1955 was thinking the same thing and giggling about it the entire time. The only other reason Batboy would have a bat that shoots webs is if people in 1955 thought bats spun webs. Did they think that?! I might be suffering from that social delusion where people in every generation believe that every generation before them were gibbering idiots who could only have accomplished the things they did if aliens actually did it for them. Occam's Razor probably points to comic book writers in 1955 being dirty perverts more so than them thinking bats spun webs⁴.

One last note on Batman #90 featuring a little person pretending to be a boy who shoots goo out of the end of his rod: this was the first issue of Batman to have the Comics Code Authority seal on it. Which tells me they weren't fucking doing their job from Day Fucking One!

This is Jake. I don't know who he is other than he's a creepy dude who loves to do creepy things.

I'm judging Jake by his appearance in one panel without having any information about him at all. But you don't peer around a curtain like that while being drawn in that particular style and mutter, "Oh, Kate," without being an absolute spinetingler of a clarion warning call of bad vibes.

No wait. Jacob Kane is Kate's military father (retired now, I guess). I forgot because I usually just refer to him as Patriarchy Kane.

Jake's in the town in Greece where Kate's been placed in the asylum to keep an eye on her. He's also apparently living above the Batwoman Cave? Why is that in Greece? Is Greece where the majority of paranormal crimes happen?

Jake, looking out the window, see's the Batwoman Signal plastered on the building of Kate's enemies so he hops on the Batwomancycle and rides off to wag his finger at her. Meanwhile in the building lit up by the blood-red Batwoman Signal, Slay gets on his burner phone to command his Slaylings to find the source of the Batwoman Signal. I don't think there's a Commissioner Gordonwoman in Greece so the signal could be projected from anywhere.

The Slayings do not locate Batwoman but they do find the Batwomanprojector. Oh, also a Batwoman grenade.

I assume she means pay for something other than reading this note? I don't know what that is because I didn't read DC's Mike Tyson's Punchout Presents.

I'm pretty sure the first thing I wouldn't do after being caught in the explosion of a grenade is read the note which I found just before the grenade landed. First I would scream and then I would shit my pants and then I would panic and run off the roof of the building and then I would begin to die and, finally, I would think, "I wonder what was on that note?"

I don't know if Slay's Slaylings are real people or more like Professor Pyg's Dollotrons but if they're real people, Kate Kane seems to have stolen everything from Batman⁵ except his refusal to kill. She steps on and explodes one Slayling's skull and then kicks another one off of the building. It's also possible she has an orgasm during the fight. You might think I'm saying that because she's a woman and I'm a huge pervert but I have over 5000 comic book reviews in which at least 75% of them probably describe male heroes jizzing in their costumes. So if you're going to call me sexist for sexualizing Batwoman as she battles, you'll have to discard that argument and come up with one of the dozens of other ones that I can't defend myself from.

Despina and Mr. Gores, the main villains (more so Despina but that's obvious because Despina is a woman and women heroes need strong women antagonists), do some more plotting to make sure the readers know that their goal is the capture of Batwoman. I don't know who Despina is but she's named like one of Darkseid's people. Apparently she's the head of some ancient Grecian menstruation cult?

I didn't make up the menstruation cult thing! It's right their in Rucka's writing!

Slay arrives to choke Kate for half a second before she breaks free, rolls off the roof, jumps on a truck, and falls into the street. Her dad arrives by Batwomancycle to help but he's stuck in the shoulder by a throwing knife as some Slaylings arrive. To save herself and her dad, Kate puts a bullet in the faces of every Slayling on the street. Her dad seems shocked so I guess maybe Kate has only recently taken to murdering people? Although they do say, "When in Greece, do as the Grecians do,"⁶ so maybe Greeks love to murder?

Kate walks off into the night, probably heading back to therapy.

The Ranking!
I may not know entirely what's going on in this comic book but it doesn't really matter. I'm just reading it as if it's one of the non-comic book pieces of literature I usually read. Those are always super confusing and never come right out and tell you what's going on. Sometimes you even have to piece together the parts of the story that take place after the end of the book but before the beginning. I'm glaring at you, Infinite Jest! So I'm used to not knowing what's going on. Also, it's like my life. What is happening? I don't know. Someday I'll die after falling off of a building running from a grenade and I'll think, "I wonder what that was all about?"


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I assure you that wasn't a boob joke. At least not until I wrote this footnote.
² I don't know if Kate Kane is Catholic. It feels like she's very Catholic.
³ After I typed "Catholic and rational" into the universe, four small wormholes appeared over my laptop, three of which emitted a long farting noise while the fourth dribbled something that I think may have been mayonnaise.
⁴ They don't, right? Right?!
⁵ She even has her own bird-themed sidekick at times: Firebird!
⁶ I'm sure it was originally about the Greeks. Fucking Romans stole all of their shit, why not that saying as well?

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)

Guy Gardner AND Lobo on the cover of a '90s comic book? This issue must have sold a trillion copies!

The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)
By Robert Loren Fleming, Bob McLeod, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

• I've been trying to interpret this cover for three days now. Here's what I've concluded: Superman's right side has been Eclipsed which is why his right arm and right bollock¹ are so massive. Lobo has shoved his hook up his own ass to stimulate his Czarnian prostate because it makes killing feel so much better. With Lobo about to bite into Superman's midsection, this might be the first cover by an artist who understood the true meaning of Lobo's name². Superman has shoved Krypto up his ass to lick his prostate which is why he's currently having a screaming orgasm. He didn't do it in anticipation of this battle; he was just doing it for kicks when he was attacked by Lobo. Guy Gardner, not being the best at smarts, believes a gigantic fireball made out of yellow light will harm Superman and/or Lobo. It's also possible he was so late to the battle that he has yet to get his yellow fireball up his ass so that it massages his prostate while he, oh, I don't know, sucks Lobo's dick? Is that how everybody else sees this cover? Seems pretty logical to me. • This is the final Eclipso: The Darkness Within annual that I have to read unless I find the Green Arrow and The Demon annuals. I know I have The Demon annual with my run of Grant and Semieks series. But was I getting Green Arrow at the time? That doesn't seem possible. The only time I remember purchasing Green Arrow of my own free will³ was when Kevin Smith was writing it. But I wasn't reading most of these other series that I purchased the annuals for so it's weird that I don't have Green Arrow. Maybe I've just always hated him that much and I couldn't bear to spend the money on it. I probably thought, "I could play a full game of Cyberball for two dollars and fifty cents instead!"

I'm going to guess that Lobo was so drunk that he just assumed he was in Antarctica when he visited the Fortress and saw the snow and polar bears.

• You know what? I give up. I always figured Superman's Fortress of Solitude was in the Arctic but enough writers keep putting it in the Antarctic that I'm simply tired of fighting it. I'm glad they finally put it in the Bermuda Triangle. Or wherever the fuck it is now. It's been in so many different places, no wonder no writer can keep it straight.

• When I was a young prepubescent dimwit of moderate energy, I once decided to dig a hole in my backyard. Not a small hole. No, this was going to be the biggest hole anybody had ever seen since the Chicxulub crater was discovered. And since this possibly took place before that was discovered, it was going to simply be the biggest hole. I dug down about two feet but the diameter of the hole was near four feet. It was about that time that I uncovered something that looked a lot like that disgusting L.E.G.I.O.N. member scanning the Antarctic for Superman except that it was brown. I had no idea what it was but when I hit it with my shovel, it split open and oozed what I'm assuming was all of its gooey life essences out into the dirt. I had no idea what it was and didn't even consider it was something living, some kind of pupa or chrysalis. But when I saw it rupture and spill vital fluids across the dirt, I freaked out. I threw down my shovel and ran inside the house to hide from, well, I don't know what I was hiding from. I was just completely creeped out. The hole remain undug for several years. I believe, at some point, long after the unheimlich of the incident had faded from my blood, my friends and I used the crater as a battle place for some kind of Warhammer game that wasn't exactly Warhammer but I can't remember what it was.

• Apparently as a young boy, "running inside the house to hide" was my go-to move. I also used to go out in the driveway late at night and shine a flashlight into the starry sky until I was sure that aliens had noticed me and were homing in on my location. I'd become a living goosebump and run inside to hide from the aliens. If they came knocking, they could take my mother. I'd be safe under my Scooby Doo blanket!

• In this comic book, we learn nothing. I was going to say one of two things but since you can't be sure which it is (among, I'm sure, an infinite amount of interpretations being that human beings are infinitely stupid and also finitely smart), you effectively learn nothing. Those two things that totally don't matter are this: Alfred totally wasn't in the SAS at all and he's a huge fucking liar and massive scaredy cat; or Alfred has an infinite amount of patience with Batman's wards and willingly indulges their stupid pranks to make them feel good.

I guess the fact that Alfred doesn't instantly kill Dick here isn't really proof that Alfred wasn't SAS. I guess.

• After Alfred shits his pants and/or puts away the blade that was mere seconds from going through Dick's eye and piercing his brain, he calls Dick a "scamp". That sounds like a slur for circus people!

• Nightwing's searching for Superman in the Batcave but Alfred is all, "No Superman here, according to the Batcave Sensors which, as you know, are especially dialed in to detect Superman so Batman can kill him." The fact that Nightwing looks for Superman in the Batcave after Superman's turned evil says a lot about the tenuous relationship between Clark and Bruce. Or Nightwing just figured that Superman had to hide from the sun as Eclipso so why not the Batcave? It's dark and full of people who would beat his ass when they discovered he was there. He might be a great trapeze artist with a stylish mullet and ponytail but he's a shit detective.

• Have you ever spent a few hours fantasizing about seeing Crimson Fox and Black Canary wrestle in shit? If so, you're in lucky, baby!

The guy with the waggly nose that's always sniffing out mysteries can't smell that the mud they're wrestling in is shit.

• If any superhero team ever needed a sexual harassment in the work place seminar, it's Justice League Europe. And I don't just meant the guys! The way Crimson Fox, Catherine Cobert, and Sue Dibny treated Captain Atom like a prime hunk of fat cock was just as hot and sexy⁴ as when Wally and Ralph did treated Power Girl like a sentient pair of tits.

• Booster Gold manages to locate Superman using a computer all by himself without any help at all, probably, from Skeets and an earpiece.

• For some reason, Wildebeest is hanging out with Booster, Fire, Ice, and Bloodwynd. I really don't fucking care to know why. I'm more interested in why Fire has blonde hair.

It's easy enough to answer: it's a coloring mistake. Her hair is green in every other panel. Boo. I want in-continuity reasons!

• If you're wondering where Blue Beetle is, he was kidnapped by Bruce Gordon and taken to the Ozymandias's Band of Geniuses Building a Massive Alien Octopus and Light Gun to Shoot the Moon Island.

• Aquaman makes an appearance riding a Killer Whale and completely failing like always. He didn't get an annual because he sucks jellyfish dick⁵ and nobody would have purchased it in much the same way that I refused to purchase the Green Arrow annual.

• Everybody gathers on the side of the volcano where they've discovered Superman is hiding. Yes, even Aquaman. How's he going to help? I know, that's not fair. I could be asking the same question about Ice or Crimson Fox or Elongated Man or Black Canary. Not only are they going to battle Superman, they're going to do it inside of an active volcano. Is that why the cover depicts Guy and Lobo battling Superman? Because everybody else dies in the volcano in the first chapter?

• Guy Gardner makes his debut appearance (since undergoing his transformation in his three issue prestige format series) and really princesses it up. As if a white gloves, a pair of jeans, and cowboy boots are the hottest look of the year.

I've never seen Hal Jordan preen this badly and Hal loves to preen.

• Preen. Preeeeeeeen. Preeen. Preen. Sounds weird.

• I'm missing the next twenty pages of the comic book because I tore them out and replaced them with my own drawings of Guy Gardner and Lobo sucking and fucking each other like crazy. It's actually pretty romantic stuff. I like a little bit of sweetness and story to my hand-drawn pornography.

• Later we'll discover that Bloodwynd is really J'onn J'onzz in disguise. I'm not sure that was always supposed to be the plan or, if it was, nobody told Robert Loren Fleming because Bloodwynd tackles the volcano like a champ who isn't at all a Martian.

Wait. Did we also discover, later later, that Bloodwynd really did exist? But this version was J'onn, right? Fuck comic book continuity is so confusing.

• Lobo immediately gets his ass beat by Eclipso Superman because in 1992, the main way to show that somebody was really powerful was to have them defeat the Main Man. Every writer wanted to do a story where the hero they were writing defeats Lobo to show that they could best the absolute best. Which wound up making Lobo a huge punching bag who didn't seem capable of beating everybody. Also he was ass-raped in Hitman by Bueno Excellente which seemed, up, excessive?

• Metamorpho causes the volcano to erupt which ejects Superman and everybody else into the air. But it's moments too late as the sun just sets as Superman takes to the air. It seems the Earth is about to lose everything to Eclipso. And all because Superman gave himself to Eclipso to save the population of one small town. That would, of course, immediately be enslaved by Eclipso when Eclipso used Superman to take over the world. You know, Batman wouldn't have been so stupid. I mean, sure, Batman Eclipsed himself on purpose to defeat Eclipsed Joker. But he knew they'd wind up in a stalemate and the morning sun would interrupt their fight and save them both. Because he's no Superman⁶.

• All of the heroes who gathered at the volcano to stand around uselessly as the heroes with powers tried to stop Superman wind up being needed to save the villagers of the island escape the lava from the volcano which the heroes caused to erupt. They bring them to the ocean where there aren't enough boats for everybody so Aquaman brings in some whales leading to Nightwing saying the rarest statement in the history of DC Comics.

But I mean, did he? Really?

• Having a character exclaim that Aquaman saved the day makes it feel like Aquaman must not have actually saved the day or else why would readers need a massive shot of Nightwing enthusiastically stating it? This feels like Batman got Nightwing alone for a moment early in the morning and said, "If you get the chance, really play up Aquaman's part in the heroics. I feel like he's starting to think he's just as useless as we all know he is."

• Eclipso Superman beats the shit out of everybody for a few minutes until Guy Gardner, having raced to the sun and back in, presumably, sixteen minutes, brings back a big scoop of solar matter to dump in Superman's face. Then he tackles him into the volcano where Superman finally returns to normal and where Guy's boots, jeans, and white gloves don't burn off of his body. I guess the Sinestro ring is as good at protecting its host as the Green Lantern rings.

• All of the heroes and villains who have been Eclipsed are gathering at the crater in Arizona. Pantha is one of them which explains why Wildebeest was being babysat by Bloodwynd. I forgot exactly what happened during the Titans Annual because I re-read it a few years ago when I was re-reading the Titans series.

• Dick and Superman track down all of the missing scientists except Dick leaves Superman t find them himself because he has to go fight the Eclipsed Titans in a crater. So Superman goes on his own and walks into a trap! But it's just a trap for Eclipso in that Superman gets blasted with sunlight as he walks in on the scientists. But that's where this issue ends. As if readers are going to be all, "Oh no! Superman walked into a trap! He's done for!" He's fine! Just a little more powered up, probably!

The Ranking!
That's the end of The Darkness Within annuals! Only one book left: Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2! This annual was really good because Lobo and Guy Gardner and Lobo and Lobo and Guy Gardner and — you won't believe this one — Phase's ass. Hoo boy! What an ass! It may have excited me more than Lobo and Guy Gardner beating the shit out of Superman.


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Bollock not depicted. But, believe me, it's fucking huge.
² In the Czarnian language, Lobo means "One who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it."
³ No, nobody forced me to purchase it without my consent. I added that condition because reading The New 52 Green Arrow wasn't my free will; it was just a necessary part of the project to read all of The New 52 books every month.
⁴ I mean despicable. I meant to say despicable!
⁵ They must have dicks, right? Big stinging danglers!
⁶ Meaning he's smart. Like how when I said Superman was no Batman, that meant Superman was dumb.

Batwoman #1 (March 2026)

Batwoman is to The X-Files as Batman is to Perry Mason.

Batwoman #1 (March 2026)
By Greg Rucka, DaNi, Matt Hollingsworth, and Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Cover by DaNi and Matt Hollingsworth
Edited by James Reid and Rob Levin

• I don't know a whole lot about Batwoman. I read her New 52 series which was beautifully drawn by J.H. Williams III but I don't remember as much of it as I should¹. I think she battled Killer Croc (or counseled him?) and La Llorona and Chupacabra and the Loch Ness Monster and her sister who was like crazy and maybe super hot? Or was that her ex-lover? Maybe both? Also her father was a tight-ass general who had "Patriarchy" written across his chest like he was in a political cartoon.

• I also remember her from James Tynion's run on Detective Comics where Tim Drake kept telling her to do what he says because he was a young bisexual genius with more representation than her boring old lesbian woman schtick and she was all, "Fuck you! I'm going to shoot people in the face if I have to! Also Clayface is evil. Or good. I forget which side I'm taking on this!" But they both agreed that Batman was out-of-control with his white male Cis privilege. Wasn't there some young tart² named Spoiler in that too?

• The story opens on an asylum in Greece where everybody has the most Grecian names possible to remind the reader that they're in Greece. They're all, "Thank you Nicholas!", and "You're welcome, Zena," and "Is Dorothea a Grecian name? It might as well be because it helps to make my point!"

• I would define the art style as "abstract Mary Worth".

• The woman in the asylum being psychoanalyzed by Zena is Kate Kane. That's the non-wig version of Batwoman. She's super beat up and defeated, possibly because she got her ass kicked in DC's recent DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents mini-series. I don't know who she got her ass beat by because I didn't read it even though I meant to read it. The reason I didn't read it was because there were too many fucking tie-ins that probably didn't matter. I thought it was going to be a bunch of comics based on the brackets they set up and then apparently they didn't even show most of the battles? I'm so glad I didn't read it! Although if Lobo beat up Batwoman³, I'm sorry I missed that.

Not with that attitude it won't!

• Batwoman's therapist asks her about the last time she saw her sister which is really important to readers like me who love to see women's underwear.

This is Batwoman's sister Beth. You might recognize her.

• This story is called "Eschatology". I think that's the science of eating snails.

• Kate tells the therapist⁴ that her twin sister died when they were twelve. But we, the readers, know she isn't dead. Some readers who have better memories than me and are less focused on women's undergarments probably remember the entire story of Beth Kane. But that's not me because women's undergarments women's undergarments panties thongs moist gussets.

• In a flashback, we learn that Beth was prepared to set off a bomb that would create an Apokolips firepit underneath some city⁵. Kate tried to appeal to her sister's sense of mercy and ethics and fashionable underpants. But Beth, being crazy and dead at twelve, wasn't in the mood to listen.

Did this occur during DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents?

• Some people choose sides based on ethics and morality. I choose sides based on the aesthetic choices of the combatants. And even though Kate Kane has some stellar fucking boots, I'm all the way Team Beth. Not only does she look hot, she also looks like cake! Mmm, I want to eat her so badly.

• I guess Beth is working for Darkseid. Did Darkseid win the DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents? Is that why there's going to be a Reign of the Superboys? Because Superman made it to the final bracket and was "killed"? Also, was Beth really big enough to be in the brackets? Or is she just an out-of-control fan overturning busses after her team won/lost?

• I love Beth's look so much that I might be losing interest in Lobo! Is that possible? What's happening?! I think I'm being groomed by Beth! It makes sense because I've crushed on Alice and her LSD world since I was a child and Beth has taken the name Alice. So maybe I love her? Or do I just really love panties and cake? Life is confusing.

And pale boobs! Don't forget those! Tasty, icing covered pale boobs.

• Goddammit. Now I want boobs and cake!

• Batwoman and her sister Alice/Beth battle until they fall off of a cliff. Is that what happened? Or was that just a metaphorical scene representing how they're stuck in a cycle of battling each other over and over until one of them must eventually die? Even though this is a bit confusing, I'm still glad I didn't try to read DC's Mike Tyson's Punch Out Presents and all of its tie-ins.

• Back in Greece instead of wherever the flashback took place⁵, Kate cries a bit and the therapist is all, "Well, that's it for today! You're probably nearly cured now, right? No, no! Don't answer that! Your hour is up! We'll continue next time with what Beth's bra looked like."

• Kate goes back to her room to stare at a picture of her licking her sister when they were pre-twelve. Meanwhile, somebody somewhere else⁵ speaks in Narration Boxes to somebody else about how Alice is indeed dead but they think they can remake Kate Kane in her image. Then she'll be "the herald of Anti-Life".

• The man who wants Kate is called Mr. Gores. The woman whose got eyes on Kate in the sanitarium is named Despina. Her loyal servant in the weird Greek choral mask is Slay. They're all working on behalf of Darkseid. I'd probably understand more of what's going on with Darkseid if I'd read any All In books that came out well before March 18th. But I've only read the March 18th, 2026 books! So I'll just assume Darkseid's still all hot and bothered about the Anti-Life Equation and he hates Superman and he wants to turn Earth into another Apokolips where he has control of all the metahumans and maybe also the one place where Love exists or something.

• As the three evil doers plot to kidnap Kate Kane and turn her into a Silver Surfer of Darkseid, Batwoman appears at their window and dangerously shines a laser into their eyes. Then she swears! But it's in typography so I can't be sure if she called the bad guy a cock or a cunt.

The Ranking!
How did I buy three DC comic books on Wednesday and wind up with three interesting books? Has DC been publishing interesting comic books again? I know I've been away for some years but it still doesn't seem possible. I've got to assume that the Deathstork book is a fluke that will quickly spiral into unreadability. But I think Batwoman will continue to be dark and gritty and full of women's undergarments so I'll keep picking it up. And Lobo is Lobo so that's not even a question. I hope these aren't fucking gateway comics that lead me into the hell realm of wanting to buy even more $4.00+ comic books!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Which is weird because the whole point of writing about these comic books is to cement them better in my memory. But I think what actually happens is that I make a lot of stupid jokes while not totally paying attention to the plot.
² I mean that in the most affectionate way! Like when you were young and you'd go to the ice skating rink to hang out with your peers and that one girl with the big boobs would lay herself across your back while laughing and flirting and even though you knew she wasn't serious it was still really appreciated and you always remembered her fondly. Is that the definition of a young tart? Should I look up what it really means or just keep using language incorrectly to the detriment of my reputation?! Bah, looking shit up is for nerds and tarts!
³ My guess is that Lobo did not battle Batwoman because it might have gotten a bit homophobic. Although I think maybe Lobo battled Wonder Woman and that was probably super sexist. But in a fun way!
⁴ I know! I hate that word too! I noticed it said "The Rapist" long before that SNL skit where fake Sean Connery says, "I'll take the rapist for $200, Alex!"
⁵ Probably Gotham, right?

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Hawkworld Annual #3 (July 1992)

I barely remember this series existed.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Hawkworld Annual #3 (July 1992)
By John Ostrander, Luke McDonnell, Roy Richardson, Timothy Harkins, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Luke McDonnell
Edited by Bill Kaplan and Archie Goodwin

• For some reason, this annual isn't squarebound like the others (aside from the upcoming L.E.G.I.O.N. '92). I suppose that means it has less pages? But why would that be? Was it a less popular comic book so it didn't sell as many advertisements? The story itself seems to be the same number of pages.

• Nope. I just counted the pages. Same exact number (32/64 not counting covers). Was it different quality paper? I can't tell. It seems like most annuals didn't need the squarebound set-up. That was usually saved for 80 pagers and Prestige Format books. So I'm not sure why most annuals in The Darkness Within were squarebound. Could it be because Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1 had that Black Diamond glued to the front and it was easier to accomplish with a squarebound book? And most of the annuals just followed suit? I don't know! I'm a comic book reading idiot not a comic book historian!

• It's weird that I didn't read Hawkworld when it was written and penciled by the team who did Suicide Squad, a comic which I loved. I guess I just hated Hawkman that much.

• The issue begins with Peacock¹ and Shayera attempting to solve that well-known Chicago problem: Pterodactyls.

Was it a running joke in this series that Shayera really wanted a gun?

• So was Hawkworld just a suburb of Chicago?

• Peacock stabs the Pterodactyl in the eye, as you do, and it explodes into a puff of smoke, as Pterodactyls do. I guess. Maybe. Who can ever really know, you know? You can't disprove something even if that thing makes no sense based on all the observations we've ever made about reality and how it tends to work. Maybe some creatures evolved to blow up in a puff of smoke when stabbed in the eye? And then they went extinct because there's actually no benefit to blowing up in a puff of smoke after you die. I mean, maybe there's a benefit? But evolution can't really choose to pass on a trait that manifests after you die. I guess predators might stop trying to eat you if they just wound up with lungs full of smoke and reeking stench and your siblings would live to pass on the exploding into smoke gene?

• Did skunks evolve from Pterodactyls? That makes the most sense. I think I figured it out. I'm a scientist!

• According to the scientist whose lab the Pterodactyl flew out of, the Pterodactyl first flew into his lab via the skylight (which is how it exited). So he's obviously lying about the Pterodactyl flying in, right? He somehow created it in his lab for malicious purposes and now he's trying to cover his ass because he was caught by the dumbest heroes in the DCU².

Shayera suggests nothing. Doctor Kaslak, "You're not suggesting I *full confession of crime*!"

• Apparently "Peacock" is Katar Hol. I guess that's Shayera's sex name for him.

• Later, a man dressed all in black with a goatee and an evil look about him burgles a mansion and comes away with the Black Diamond. He's got to be Shadow Thief, right? That's a Hawkman enemy!

• Shadow Thief works for Doctor Kaslak which means Doctor Kaslak is a big lying liar because you don't work with Shadow Thief if you're a big innocent truth teller.

If magic is science than why isn't magic called science?! Answer me that, stupidhead!⁴

• Doctor Kaslak sends the Black Diamond to Shayera because she treated him like a lying jerk. And even though he is a lying jerk, that doesn't mean she knew he was a lying jerk. I mean, she definitely knew. But without solid proof, Doctor Kaslak has the right to be super offended by her assumption that he is what he actually is. Also, she's a woman. I'm sure that played a part. How dare a woman describe him in perfect detail!

• The anonymous gift of the Black Diamond pleases Shayera to no end. She immediately puts it on so that it highlights her cleavage while Katar mutters and mumbles and reminds me why I dislike him so much.

• On the moon, Eclipso thinks, "Wait. What?! Why is one of my Black Diamonds being wasted on Hawkwoman?! Ugh! I might as well possess Green Arrow or Aquaman!"

• Oh, I just realized Aquaman didn't get to participate in this Crossover Event. What a loser!

Okay, I assumed they were already fucking. I guess "Peacock" isn't Shayera's fuck name for Katar. I guess it's an insult!

• I'm glad my nickname isn't Peacock because then I'd constantly have to dress extravagantly so that nobody would assume the nickname was describing the size of my dingle.

• I wonder if Katar is embarrassed to tell Shayera that he loves her because they're brother and sister?

• While Katar breaks up with his current girlfriend, Shayera goes on the Howard Stern show. Or DC's equivalent: Tod Sweeney. Was his only appearance in this annual? I wonder how many variations of Howard Stern exist in the DCU?

• Tod Sweeney asks Shayera if she wants to have baloney thrown at her ass and her reaction isn't great.

Obviously if some sexist jerk sexually harasses you, it's time to destroy the local government.

• You might be thinking, "Tess, that sounds like bullshit. Are you writing bullshit again? Can I call you Tess? Or should I call you by your Christian name, Mx. Bullshit?" Well, let me explain something to you, you snarky asshole. Um, yeah, it was bullshit. But look at DC's version of Howard Stern there! He's less Howard Stern and more Frank Rossitano from 30 Rock! Who's going to take any sexual harassment from him seriously? And Shayera?! She looks like Grace Slick in the middle of the video for "We Built This City" as it slowly dawns on her that she's just killed her career! If I'm given bullshit to work with, I'm going to excrete bullshit! It's, um, science! And, if you remember from earlier, I'm a scientist!

• Eclipso, taking Shayera's anger literally because what does he know about the difference between local government buildings and local government bodies, flies off to destroy city hall⁵. Everybody is terrified because usually it's Hawkman that loses all of his cool and does something terribly stupid. But now it's Hawkwoman because Howard Sweeney called her Hawkgirl and through lunch meet into her butthole.

Like most cops⁷, this guy has a really American grasp on the law. Vandalism equals the death penalty without trial. Capitalism demands sacrifice!

• Hawkman convinces Shayera that she's killed the building and even Eclipso realizes that was a stupid plan to stop her vengeance. But he accepts it so he can get on with using her for other things. Like, um, flying stuff around and, um, flying other stuff around. I'm really not sure why he wants Hawkwoman. I guess he's just taking whom he can based on the chance of the Black Diamonds falling into their hands.

• Shayera flies off and leaves the Black Diamond with Hawkman, making a point of wondering if it even matters. Are two Hawkpeople better than one Hawkperson? Probably not.

• Hawkman takes about two minutes to lose his cool and become Eclipso. I mean, he manifests an Eclipso. Which means, according to Anarky's notes from Robin Annual #1, Hawkwoman is an aggressive persona and Hawkman is a passive persona.

• I guess when Katar realizes he activated the Black Diamond but before he vomits up a manifestation, he says, "Damn me," thus assuring that the monster will go after him. It should just kill him after but for the first time in the series⁸, the person who manifested the monster did not simply pass out. Katar is fully awake and retains his senses as the manifestation tries to kill him.

Eclipso showing he understands the situation in the same way I do.

• Somehow the battle has been going on all night because Hawkman is saved by the rising sun. Weird that Eclipso didn't realize the sun was about to rise and that Hawkman wouldn't be dead. Maybe he can't tell, from his crater in the dark side of the moon, how much time has passed on Earth. Like, he can't know exactly how much night is left once he manifests from a Black Diamond, right?

• During the day, Hawkman does some research into Eclipso. Oh, he doesn't do anything as academic as go to the library or read a book. No, no. He threatens to kill Doctor Kaslak until the Doctor tells him how to stop Eclipso. Man, I would have fucking eased through college if I'd known that trick!

• STAR Labs makes Hawkman some "moonlight intensifiers" with which to blast Eclipso. I feel like Ostrander was taking the piss out of this whole crossover by pointing out that moonlight was sunlight and it should fuck up Eclipso just as much as, say, a toy lightsaber charged by the sun. Ostrander shows so much scorn for this whole project in Hawkman's speech about moonlight that I could easily be convinced that Ostrander added some of his own shit to the brown ink used for this annual.

• Hawkman manages to defeat the manifestation he created but he blinds himself when he uses the "moonlight intensifiers" on it. After that, he basically gets his ass kicked by Hawkwoman until he hides and she retreats for the final battle.

The Ranking!
Blech! This stupid crossover got me reading Robin books and Hawkman books? I'm so glad I seem to have missed the Green Arrow annual! I'm not sure I could have survived reading sixty page issues of those three characters all in a row! Maybe I would have survived physically but would my life have been worth living after what it would have done to my psyche? I'm glad I didn't have to find out! My main question after reading this annual is this: Fans of Hawkman actually exist?!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I have no fucking clue who Peacock is.
² The dumbest heroes in the present DCU. Or else that superlative³ would go to the Legion of Super-heroes.
³ I know being dumb isn't indicative of something of high quality. I just mean that they're, you know, the greatest at being dumb.
⁴ Still undefeated in Master Debate Club!
⁵ The building and not the people. That's what I was trying to point out when I interrupted the sentence with that clause that maybe didn't explain enough? But maybe it did and I'm just being too cautious now because I know my audience is the dumbest collective of people in the world⁶.
⁶ The Internet.
⁷ I'm assuming that a "superintendent" is a cop. Am I wrong?
⁸ At least, I think this is the first time this has happened.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Wonder Woman Annual #3 (August 1992)

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Wonder Woman Annual #3 (August 1992)
By William Messner-Loebs, John Dennis, Dave Johnson, Ande Parks, Clem Robins, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Kevin Nowlan
Edited by Frank Pittarese and Dan Thorsland

• Let's get back to bullet points, shall we? This is like The Matrix but for nerds. Hmm. There's something wrong with that statement but I just can't identify quite what it is.

• Eclipso currently sits on his bone throne in a crater in the moon. Do you think the creators of this series meant for that to be so sexual? Did I invent that his throne was made of bone just to create the image of a penis in a moon hole? It's hard to say when about 66% of every thought I have is a delusion created by my brain to make the world more entertaining for myself.

• According to my blog's tags, this is the first comic book I've reviewed by William Messner-Loebs.

• The cover of this comic book turned my pants into a bone throne. In a mere matter of seconds, it will also look like a triple wax carwash down there. I think I have a thing for feral women.

• This issue begins by firing all circuits on my male gaze just to have my horned-up levels' legs kicked out from under it by reading the caption.

Too bad I'm not into necrofellatio. Is it weird that I began that sentence with "too bad"?

• The person making that terrible assumption about Wonder Woman is, surprisingly¹, an on-the-scene local news reporter. The reporter is a woman so she's apparently never heard of the Girl Code. I also have never heard any of the Girl Code because when I ask about it, they usually just say, "Ewww!" But I think there's something there about hyping each other up and not assuming that they've died and then broadcasting their humiliating failure to the entire world².

• As she broadcasts, Cassie continues to pull down her knickers and shit all over the Girl Code.

"Being that Wonder Woman can't fly, she had to walk instead of fly, which she can't do, fly, I mean. She sucks at flying. Just the worst. Probably dead because she can't fly."

• Some guy named The White Magician shows up and, well, even in 1992, I'd maybe have thought twice about that name. He wears white and has white hair but he also has what is colloquially thought of as "white" skin so, you know, maybe that name is saying more than you actually want it to say? Because "white", especially in 1992, was the society accepted neutral position³ which meant if the person's "race"⁴ wasn't mentioned, one would assume "white". If you have to go above and beyond to express your "whiteness" or your "Defender of Western Civilization" status⁵, you're probably making a bigger statement than just the color of your costume and hair.

The White Magician's power is literally making people choke on their own shit.

• The White Magician spends a full page or more invoking all sorts of DC magics that I've never heard of before. Zatanna could have saved the day with a couple of backwards words. Madame Xanadu could have wrapped this shit up by manipulating a bunch of actual heroes in no time at all. But this guy is doing the equivalent of a Great White guitar solo in a small club.

Love bites! Love bleeds! Oh fuck! Oh shit! Why's my dick burning?!

• While White Magician fucks around with the dark arts for the benefit of the news crew, Wonder Woman climbs up a building and tries to hug the terrorist into surrender. You know how she does. She's all, "Look, you're being a toxic male. Maybe get therapy?" And he's all, "I'd rather turn on a machine that removes the friction between air molecules, murder the HR rep of the job that fired me, take a woman and her small child hostage, and blame everybody who doesn't have a metagene for my failures!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Okay, but maybe don't do that?" And his gun is all, "Bratratrat!"

• Wonder Woman takes a few shots to the wrist bracelets and everybody around her is all, "He's a lone gunman! Being a white man, he's the only one responsible for his actions! He doesn't represent his entire race in the same way society demands anybody of a minority group represents the entire group!" Except it couldn't be that explicit, right? Because this is 1992 and according to Comics Gaters, comics only went woke in this millennium. Right?

I guess white supremacists in 1992 could easily overlook a blatant allegory simply by saying, "Well, I don't have a metagene so this guy obviously doesn't represent my idiotic way of thinking!"

• The main problem with this guy is that his metagene has yet to be activated. So he's just a mediocre white dude. But he knows he's better than other people because he's white. I mean because he has a metagene!

• I had to check the cover of this issue again because I got the odd feeling that I was reading a Bloodlines annual and not an Eclipso annual. I guess this is just foreshadowing for next year's big annual crossover event. Maybe this guy becomes Gunfire or Dildosniffer. Were those Bloodlines characters? If they were, I know one of them was written by Warren Ellis.

• The White Magician's spell of bowel-cleansing fear takes place just as Wonder Woman's de-escalating the situation. It affects everybody on top of the skyscraper: the killer, Wonder Woman, and the two hostages. Wonder Woman's big fear is disappointing her mother and the Gods. I would have guessed it would have been Batman.

• The killer, Roger or Robert or whatever, dies from choking on his own shit while Wonder Woman and the hostages just get a little collateral shit swallowing. But I have to think part of the reason Wonder Woman failed was because she was calling him by the wrong name while trying to calm him down.

Whoops!

• Even though The White Magician fucked everything up and his costume isn't anywhere as spectacular as The White Rabbit's, Wonder Woman still accepts an invitation to his mansion for dinner. As a way to apologize to her for completely fucking up the rescue, of course. Not as a way to get into her biker shorts. Not that she's currently wearing biker shorts. But she does go to the dinner in her star-spangled onesie.

• The White Magician's dinner conversation makes me think that perhaps my earlier discussion around his name was way more astute than even I would have guessed.

First he starts the edgelord shit with all the "Oh, I imagine you'll be offended by just about everything, no?"


And then he, um, just gets right to the KKK point.

• The hostage from earlier was a Black woman. Diana was insistent she was the real hero because she threw off the fear spell to save Diana from falling off the building while Diana hung by her foot holding the young girl who first fell off the building. The White Magician wouldn't even acknowledge this fact and now we see why. Obviously a Black woman couldn't be the hero! The look Diana gives this guy says it all.

• Wonder Woman, while pointing out how seriously pathetic white supremacists are, pulls the old Don Draper in the elevator meme exactly two decades before Don Draper does it.

Although Don Draper is lying in that scene and I've got a feeling Wonder Woman seriously means it.

• 24 pages in and not a whiff of Eclipso.

Speaking of whiffs . . . yes please!

• It turns out the local reporter Cassie and the White Magician are fucking. It also turns out Wonder Woman likes watching them fuck.

• Okay, so maybe they don't actually fuck on panel while Wonder Woman watches. But you don't think this is the reaction of somebody who loves the cuck chair?

Messner-Loebs staying true to Wonder Woman's origins as a horny little Amazon.

• Ultimately, I have no fucking clue why Wonder Woman went to dinner at the White Magician's home. I mean, the only conclusion I can make is that she was horny after her close call with death and he was offering. Perhaps when she was blasted by his Spell of Terror and she inundated with feelings of self-loathing, she needed a good fuck to get her confidence back. And the White Magician, while racist, is good looking enough. Also he has a penis⁶.

• The reason Cassie was calling Wonder Woman politically correct is that Wonder Woman admitted that justice, in the parlance of Titus Pullo, makes her wetter than October.

• The White Magician gives Diana a circlet with a Black Diamond on it. She demures but quickly accepts because she's super fucking horny and I can't believe I don't remember this comic book! How did I not start reading Wonder Woman after this?! I should have assumed half of each issue was just Diana trying to get laid.

• Wonder Woman slips into some kind of hypnotic fantasy after donning the Black Diamond. She believes that she has taken the White Magician to Paradise Island and he's brought in developers and horny men. When she confronts him, he goes all Twitter Incel on her.

If that doesn't get her to Eclipse, I don't want to think how far he'll have to go.

• The White Magician isn't working with Eclipso. He just wants Wonder Woman possessed with Eclipso's power so that he can bind her and drain her of the power. Wonder Woman winds up bound by tentacles in the garden with resting Eclipso face.

• Oh, also? It doesn't take. Eclipsed Wonder Woman escapes to either kill the White Magician or eagerly sit in the cuck chair.

• PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE BE CUCK CHAIR!

Okay. Close enough!

• I don't want people to think I'm into women in hardly any clothes choking other women in even less clothes. I mean, I guess I am because that panel was hot. But I'm not so into it that I actively look for it! What kind of sicko porn search terms do you think I like?! If one of your guesses was "Penguin Costume With Butt Access", congratulations. I guess?

• Wonder Woman lets Cassie go and then fails to kill the White Magician as he slips into another dimension just as she goes for the kill shot. Eclipso, now in total control, decides he got his revenge by trashing the White Magician's house because Wonder Woman is free to fly off to the moon at the end.

• Fly? I thought she couldn't fly? I guess she's more Eclipso than Diana now.

The Ranking
Goddamn! This issue was actually kind of fun. And confusing. I think maybe it contained a lot of actual lore and characters from the 1992 regular series. Or maybe it didn't and this was just a short little story about a horny woman, a racist illusionist, and the God of Vengeance? It's weird because I hate annuals but, I mean, this one was enjoyable! I bet it was because I went back to using bullet points! Yeah, I probably enjoyed it because of the thing I did and not because of the art the artists did! Whew. I feel better now! Go me! __________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Not actually surprising.
² At least the part of the world that receives broadcasts from WTBN.
³ I'm not saying it was correct. I was just media-biased shorthand accepted by a white supremacist society
⁴ In quotes because "white" and "black" are not exactly the most scientific way to determine a person's race. Unless you're a Nazi scientist or somebody's Republican uncle.
⁵ Looking at you, high school friend Soy Rakelson, who disappeared from Social Media in 2016 after Trump won the election because you knew your "Defenses of Western Civilization" were no longer sustainable with your "morality". I mean in your eyes. Everybody else already knew they weren't sustainable and wondered why you kept insisting on debating obviously (to everybody but you, apparently) racist shit. Especially when your closing argument for every debate was, "Where's your faith?" Oh? Sorry I argued facts and logic while you were gummed up in religious dogma while concentrating on attempting to trap us with pre-approved C.S. Lewis logic traps.
⁶ I'm assuming.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Action Comics Annual #4 (July 1992)

I'm sure Superman's mouth is full of milk and not Billy Batson's spunk.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Action Comics Annual #4 (July 1992)
By Dan Vado, Chris Wozniak, Karl Altstaetter, Karl Kesel, Trevor Scott, Steve Mitchell, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

The Cover
Being an art critic is so far beyond my capabilities that I'm completely stymied by the color palette. I guess there's an abundance of purple to indicate the Eclipso possession. But why the lime green background? Maybe they're fighting in a jelly mold? I do appreciate how Superman's muscles were drawn thick with sexy veins while Billy Batson retains his "I'm from a totally different comic book company universe and actually a child in a thick, veiny man's body" flat, clear, animation-style facial features. At least the sticky white residue in Superman's mouth has kept me from pondering how he's been Eclipsed being that he's full of sunlight and Eclipso's one weakness is sunlight and also he's full of somebody's semen. Not Billy's because that would be too wrong to even consider. I guess Superman's possession was pre-explained earlier when Eclipso pointed out how his power is magical in nature and we all know how susceptible Superman is to magic for some reason. Maybe they didn't have magic on Krypton? Man. Imagine a world without close-up magicians approaching your table during dinner? What a dream!

The Story So Far
A bunch of loser super heroes have been Eclipsed because they're losers. Yes, I know Wally West was Eclipsed. The king of losers. I didn't even like Barry Allen but Wally? What a piece of shit. All of you assholes who just love Wally West to death are fucking wrong. I mean, sure, I never read Flash so it's possible I'm wrong. Not likely but possible! I only know Wally West from Justice League Europe and that guy was a fucking idiotic sex pest who shouldn't have been allowed around women. The fact Power Girl never ripped his balls off is testament to how much power the Comics Code Authority had.

Also some people have started to go missing without being Eclipsed and we have to assume that Bruce Gordon has gone Ozymandias style. Bruce Gordon is missing and so is Blue Beetle. My guess is he's grabbing up all the heroes capable of making a gigantic fake sun to shine into the crater on the moon since the real sun isn't cutting the mustard. Stupid sun. Can't even shine into a fucking crater on the side of the moon that bare asses itself to it at least once a month. I don't know how space works so I'm assuming that's how often that happens.

The Story
Since Bruce, Mona, and Blue Beetle are all missing or Eclipsed, Superman and Fire's butt have gone to recruit Mona's dad for some reason. I guess he's also a solar scientist? Is that how Bruce and Mona met? Do I even care?

Even Mona's dad doesn't give a shit and it's his world that's in danger.

Every time I type "Mona's dad", I can't help thinking "Anna Madrigal". Stupid brain! You're a man and a girl!

Superman decides to leave this man alone which is great because who the fuck is he? Why is he suddenly a character in this story?! I barely know why Mona and Bruce Gordon are in this story let alone Anna Madrigal! I mean Mona's dad! Does he piss sunshine? Does he fart solar radiation? One fact about him: he's clinically depressed. At first I thought Booster was just exaggerating but Chris Wozniak made sure to draw a bottle of pills in the background of one panel. Plus that shot of him lying in bed with his knee up and his arm thrown over his face? Classic depression pose!

Booster talks like a eugenicist and Booster is from DC's future so, um, guess what, everybody? The racists apparently won!

I don't know if Booster means "them" as in academics or as in people with no powers or what but since Booster Gold is a working class guy whose whole schtick is based on stealing his gear, I suspect it's both? He's what rich racist elite Republicans would call a "real American". Which totally explains why he's also a sexist creep (as seen in the Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Justice League America Annual and pretty much every other Justice League America issue).

Superman's plan to save Mona and the people of Crater Bay (who were all Eclipsed in whatever series the last Superman annual was in. Man of Steel? Superman? Adventures of Superman?) is to give himself to Eclipso in exchange for freeing the regular people who always let Booster Gold down. Then it's up to the Justice League to stop Superman from doing whatever Eclipso wants to do with him. It seems like a bad plan in a number of ways but the worst way is that Superman must not remember the current roster of Justice League America. Who the fuck's going to stop him? Ice? Fire? Bloodwynd? Blue Beetle? Booster Gold? Doesn't he remember these are the people who couldn't even stop Doomsday from killing him? Oh wait. I guess he hasn't learned that lesson yet.

Obviously the plan would be to call Batman and borrow his Kryptonite. But since that plan is too obviously obvious, I guess they'll drag Billy Batson out of class and remind him that he's an alternate member of the League.

Did Wozniak model this shot of Superman off the Thanksgiving Day Parade float of Supes?

I'm never going to get through a full annual if I keep scrutinizing every panel but I'm glad I am because I just noticed this tiny figure of Booster Gold in the background. You know how Booster Gold usually has no indication of genitalia? Well, well, my friends. Discover the truth!

Booster Gold has a massive schlong.

Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice decide they'd better find a way to defeat Superman before he gets himself Eclipsed for the good of a few dozen yokels (and Mona). Clark's an idiot! He might be able to negotiate a deal to save a few people for a little while. But at what cost? No, his best bet is to stay unEclipsed and help Crater Bay by defeating Eclipso. Why's he acting so dumb?!

Look, that was a rhetorical question. I know why he's acting so dumb: Dan Vado is writing this.

We, the readers, being smarter than Booster Gold, Fire, and Ice combined, know that they should contact Batman and get his help. Instead, they decide to ask Hairy Lex Luthor for some advice. He and his team have developed a Solar Trap based on Bruce Gordon's solar work. But he's not sure it will work because, um, Dan Vado is writing this, I guess? Is this the the short period of time when Lex Luthor was trying to act humble because he was supposed to be his own Australian son and he didn't want anybody realizing it by whipping out his brain-dick every time he was asked to help solve a problem? Now he's all, "Man, having hair really mellows a guy out! I'm barely angry anymore! Chicks want to fuck me and I can finally masturbate again without fear that my bionic hand will rip my manhood off!" I suppose Angry Lex could have built a solar trap that definitely works but Angry Lex was also always stressed out and screaming at people. Chill Lex can barely fucking care because he's thinking about all the puss that's going to be on his face later.

Ice contacted my dick. Did that joke work? Did it make sense? Fuck it, I'm with Chill Lex now. Who cares if shit works when you've got puss on your face!

And what I mean by puss on my face is, um, cookie crumbs. They're fucking everywhere! I probably shouldn't have learned to eat cookies from Cookie Monster.

Night falls on Crater Bay and Superman heads over to throw his (and everybody on Earth's) life away. Superman doesn't even make sure Eclipso lets the hostages go before he picks up the Black Diamond and tries to get angry. What the fuck? The whole point is to save people? Why would Eclipso let them go if Superman becomes Eclipsed first? Like I said, Clark's an idiot.

It's possible Superman's learned enough about the Black Diamond to get mad at Eclipso so that when he turns, he'll have to beat the shit out of Eclipso before Eclipso can manipulate him. But probably not because I've still got a whole pile of The Darkness Within annuals to get through. And the last Superman one has Superman Eclipsed on the cover fighting Guy Gardner and Lobo at the same time. I know! I came directly into my pants when I saw that!

Superman becomes Eclipsed but we never find out what made him so angry because Eclipso just starts manipulating him immediately. Did Dan Vado not read his editorial notes for the story? It's probably because . . . no, no. You know what? Dan Vado founded the Alternative Press Expo so I'm going to give him a free pass on this. It was probably editorial's fault anyway. I'm sure Vado was all, "Yeah but in all the other stories, the character had to enact vengeance on the thing that made them mad before Eclipso could properly control them?" And Editorial was all, "Shut up, Dan Vado. Did you read the Flash Annual? He didn't enact vengeance on anybody, did he?" And Dan Vado was all, "I don't know because I didn't read it. It hasn't been published yet. Nobody sent me the script." And Editorial was all, "You think you're so smart, don't you, Dan Vado? Well just make Superman angry and Eclipsed and we'll worry about any inconsistencies!"

Also, I'm only on page 17 so any "inconsistencies" will probably be explained away and I'll feel stupid for making this stink. Anyway, did I mention that even though Chris Wozniak has been drawing a fucking awful Superman, he does a cute Ice?

You know I think she's cute because I bypassed a dozen panels of Fire's ass to scan this panel.

It's possible Ice is cute here because the inker has changed between the terrible Superman panels and this panel. It's hard to tell because what the fuck do I know about how an inker's style changes a penciller's style?! I told you right at the beginning that I'm not an art critic! Besides, there are like eighteen inkers credited for this thing!

Meanwhile, during a scene that I'm positive was going to end in Lex Luthor and Professor Emil Hamilton fucking, Bruce Gordon's Ozymandias Plan claims two more victims. You know, the two who were definitely about to fuck: Emil and Lex.

Back in Crater Bay, Captain Marvel arrives to scold Superman and also hit him a lot. "Hey man! Golly Gee Whiz, dude! Why you being so gosh-darned mean?" They beat each other senseless for many, many pages. Neither one seems to have the upper hand even if Captain Marvel's power stems from magic and, well, that's Superman's main weakness! I guess the magic that makes Billy strong and invincible doesn't mean the strength itself is magical. At one point during the fight, I'm convinced that Captain Marvel is just Martian Manhunter disguised as Captain Marvel because, um, why would fire hurt Captain Marvel?

Is he just pretending the flames hurt so the reader feels a little bit of drama and tension during this pretty spectacularly boring battle?

The only reason I knew this couldn't be Martian Manhunter is because Martian Manhunter is pretending to be Bloodwynd right now. He's too busy to pretend to be other people.

By page 35, I begin wishing instead of discussing the story, I just went through and scanned pictures of Ice and Fire's asses. Because, oh boy, are there a lot of panels highlighting them!

I've got a pretty good idea for a coffee table book!

Yeah. I stopped caring about the story and just began scanning butts. Fucking sue me.

The Ranking!
Luthor and Hamilton's solar trap works but overheats almost immediately. So everybody in Crater Bay is saved but Superman manages to get away. And Mona is nowhere to be found. On the plus side, did you see all of those butts? I'm sure there's a moon joke to be made here but I'm way too horny to think of it. I think I just figured out what's in Superman's mouth on the cover. It's my own dried semen from 34 years ago!