Detective Comics #36

Get it?! The story about a terminal disease takes place in an airport terminal!

Last issue, Batman, The World's Greatest Detective, had teamed up with Ed Boar, The World's Greatest Port Authority Layabout. Together, they will solve The Mystery of the Terminal Terminal! Mostly the mystery is solved because Magnus Magnuson appeared on television to tell the world that he was behind it all. Usually that's the detective's job at the end of the story! He calls everybody to the study and looks smug and paces about while saying things that make everybody nervous because he doesn't want to come right out and say who the culprit is because then nobody will have any reason to listen to him anymore. So he mentions lots of ambiguous clues first so that the wife gets nervous and then the cleaning lady gets nervous and then the chauffeur gets nervous and then the gardener gets really nervous but then the detective points at the ex-boyfriend and shouts, "You had every reason to do it!" And then the ex-boyfriend jumps up and says, "But I loved Bill more than life itself! I would never have killed him!" And after that drama plays out, the detective says, "I know! It was really the mother-in-law!" Then everybody gasps and a few people lean over to the person next to them and say, "I knew it all along." Then the mother-in-law tries to run but the detective grabs her and says, "But what you didn't know is that the mother-in-law is really Sirius B. Finch, the real estate mogul who is planning to build a nuclear power plant on this very spot!" And the detective pulls the rubber mask off of Sirius B. Finch and everybody gasps and applauds and yells, "Good show!" Then the father-in-law frowns and whispers, "But I've been sleeping with her for months!" And the detective says, "If only you had seen the clues the way I had seen the clues! And by clues I mean his penis! I figured it all out while using the urinal next to the mother-in-law at the wake!" And then the story ends.

But the Mystery of the Terminal Terminal is the mystery we are concentrating on today! Let us see how Batman finds the clues to solve the mystery! Yes, yes! Let us see!

That's a pretty big clue! Thanks, culprit, for helping Batman solve the mystery!

Since the whodunit is no longer a whodunit, I guess it's now a medical mystery! Doctor Batman has only eight hours to figure out what is killing everybody or the world will end! I bet it's Lupus!

While Batman tries to find the clues, the Narrator tries to get all philosophical by comparing air travel to life. The Narrator is quite accurate in describing air travel as a piece of time in our lives that nobody really acknowledges. It's just a chore to be dealt with so we can get from one destination to another. But that's where the Narrator's analogy breaks down because the narrator compares the travel destinations to birth and death. But who is ignoring life just to hurry along and rush headlong into death? Okay, okay. So we're all rushing headlong into death. But we're not actively seeking it out! At least most of us aren't. I think maybe Batman is! Maybe I should think about my life as air travel more often! Then maybe I'd read more books by Michael Crichton and John Grisham! I would think, "Boy, I can't wait for the next exciting moment in my life to happen! But until then, I will sit in a tiny space with minimal amounts of food and drink while trying to read my shitty thriller. I will also try to sit uncomfortably close to a stranger while I chew my ice and they go out of their minds listening to me chew my ice but never say anything so how was I ever supposed to know there are people out there that can't stand the sound of somebody chewing ice? Oh, fucking pardon me, Mr. Sensitive Ears!"

Maybe life and air travel are exactly the same thing! I think I'm all turned around on the analogy! Life is just air travel with more elbow and leg room.

Batman needs help! He's the World's Greatest Detective, not the World's Greatest Medical Mystery Detective! When you find a murdered body, you don't call Doctor House! And when you find a body bleeding out of its asshole, you don't call Sherlock Holmes! And since Batman needs help solving a medical mystery, he calls the greatest doctor in the world.

Oh, sorry. He calls a retired acrobat.

Batman calls up Dick Grayson and says, "Dick! Remember the first rule of being my friend? When I say jump, you say, 'Skip deedly doo!' Well, I'm saying jump!"

"But Batman," whispers Dick Grayson, "I am in the middle of torturing a man! Surely saying, 'Skip deedly doo!', can wait!"

"I did not ask Shirley to say 'Skip deedly doo!' I asked you to say it! That was a joke from Airplane! It is timeless, is it not?" wheezes Batman into his Batphone. Dick hears the desperation in Bruce's wheezing and agrees to say "Skip deedly doo!" Finally! That kid sure has learned how to back talk!

Batman continues to search for clues amongst the air traffic controllers while probably thinking, "I bet it is Lupus and not at all contagious enough to spread to these innocent workers!" Meanwhile Dick Grayson continues to torture the man he was torturing but now he's asking him to answer Batman's questions.

Batman continues to run around the airport confidently spreading the disease to as many people as possible. "It does not matter who I infect," he brags to himself, "because I will save them all by solving the mystery! Then they will all thank me for saving their lives!"

Back in Minsk, Dick continues to search for clues to the whereabouts of Magnus Magnuson.

"This is the biggest clue yet!"

Dick is finding clues all over the place!

"Look, Bruce! Look! I have found an even bigger clue than the previous clue! Right in my pants!"

Dick learns that Magnus Magnuson is in Gotham! He's on the plane! Everybody get out! He's on the plane!

I already knew that because I found the biggest clue of all: the cover of the comic book. See Magnus Magnuson choking Batman? See?

The issue ends with everybody surviving thanks to Magnus Magnuson's blood! Yay! Except then the Narrator chimes in and starts blabbing about how we're all going to die. Way to ruin the moment, Narrator! And way to hit us all over the head with your philosophy of "slowing down to smell the roses because we know we're going to die" being the way we should all embrace life. Or something. I stopped listening because I don't enjoy pedantry unless it's coming out of my own typing fingers. Also, pedantry isn't perverted like some of you dumb dumbs probably think it is. Buy a dictionary! Also, a dictionary has nothing to do with penises.

Detective Comics #36 Rating: I'm changing up my ratings this month. Everything is getting reshuffled! So I won't be rating anything for the rest of the month. I'm just going to stick all the books back in whatever order feels right as I read them and as I reflect on how consistently well written each of the titles has been. It's hard to judge Detective Comics because this is a new creative team (and I don't even know if they're going to stick around for more than this two part story). But this issue alone was not a very good example of Batman's detective skills. He really just got lucky that Magnuson was the cure and that Magnuson was on board the plane. Hey, you know what? Dick got lucky too!

Detective Comics #35

Why is the monster variant of Detective Comics just Batman eating a peach?

I feel like I'm missing an important piece of the story each month due to the variant covers. Perhaps I should start Googling them to see what the real covers look like. The real cover looks like Batman on a plane full of corpses. I wonder how much airlines charge dead people to fly? Are they considered carry-ons?

I have a little piece of dried flesh from a cat scratch on the pad of my index finger so that every time I pick my nose, it feels like I have a big crusty booger on the end of my finger. Then I'm disappointed when I try to eat it.

That was a joke! I don't eat my boogers! I never have! I was one of those kids that would wipe his boogers on the underside of his desk in elementary school until they were razor sharp and cut whoever else tried to sit there. I don't enjoy that pastime anymore. Now I only pick my nose when it's absolutely necessary. Like when it itches or something. More often, I just yank out huge, mutant hairs that have begun growing up there. Am I a mutant?

This month, Detective comics has a new creative team! I don't know who any of them are! Let's see...Ben Percy is a young thirty five year old guy that has written short stories about the Oregon desert. That sounds exciting! John Paul Leon drew for Milestone Comics. If his work in this looks familiar, it's because he drew the Red Thunder stuff in some New 52 Animal Man issues. And the other guy is like the colorist or something. Do I really need to know anything about the colorist?! Seriously, my old brain is overloaded with information. Even if I look it up, it won't last up there. It'll get bounced by the part of my brain that remembers the name of every Smurf. And, God forbid, what if it actually replaces that information?! How am I going to impress women at parties?!

Is Bruce taking a vacation to the Oregon desert?!

As Bruce waits to take off in his private jet (enjoying some coffee and walnuts the way billionaires love to do), he learns from a reluctant Alfred that a plane is landing that has lost contact with the air traffic controllers and is probably full of evil dead people. Alfred is all, "You really should let the cops get killed trying to do their job." And Batman is all, "I didn't want to go to Oregon anyway, jerk! Now get me my suit!"

I hope it isn't the Langoliers!

The plane lands and then crashes into Terminal 1. Bruce Wayne looks side eye at Alfred because of course Gotham Police would screw this up! They have never been good at their job ever! That's why Gotham, the television show, is going to be twelve seasons of Gordon convincing a bunch of cops to straighten up and stop collecting bribes and to stop beating witnesses and to stop being assholes but he still won't make them any good at their job. But he will keep convincing a growing Bruce Wayne that "The city can be saved. Seriously, kid, the city can be saved! You have to believe me that those fires will be put out and the city will be saved! Never mind how much crime is exploding all over the city; it will be saved! OH MY GOD WHY WON'T SOMEBODY SAVE THE CITY?!"

Batman is the first person aboard the plane after it comes to a stop because of course he is. You don't see the monster version of Ed Boar, Chief of Police at Gotham International Airport on the cover, do you?!

That's Ed Boar, by the way!

Batman recruits Ed Boar to help him detectivate all over the plane.

"We'll solve this mystery together," shouts The Batman!
"But I have never solved a mystery before, The Batman!" complains Ed Boar as he balds.
"Do not worry, Ed! It is easy! It is very easy for the World's Greatest Detective!" Batman winks. "That would be me if you have been living under a rock in a cave for many years, Ed!"
"Where do we begin, The Batman?" asks Ed amateurishly.
"Look for clues! The dead people might have some clues on them, so be sure to search the dead people very well. I will check the liquor cabinet and the snack tray!"

Look! Batman quickly pretends to see something so that Ed Boar believes that Batman is the best detective in the world.

Batman decides the entire airport needs to be quarantined because everybody on the plane is dead and some fool opened up the plane brashly. "Who was the fool that opened up this plane?" Batman asks. "Did anybody see the fool that did it? No? Nobody? Nobody witnessed it? Good! I mean, darn! That's one clue we don't have!"
"What will we do now?" asks the world's worst detective, Ed Boar.
"Now, we turn on the television because the news usually has some really decent clues to help clue us in on what the story is about."

Magnus Magnuson sounds like a familiar name. Maybe that's because it's the same name twice.

Detective Comics #35 Rating: No change. Batman has a mystery to discover! And he only has eight hours to discover it or else everybody will die! This comic book seems to be in poor taste what with everybody dying of ebola in a few months. I'm not amused!

Batman Incorporated Special #1

Damian's dead and Batman is posing on the cover of a comic book with a leaping cow. Fucking disrespectful.

This issue had better end with Damian being resurrected or I'm going to go stand in Starbucks and shit my pants in front of everybody.

No wait! I'm not going to do that! Not again, anyway.

Oh, ha ha! The ease and majesty of "again" in the making of comedy! Thank you, Judd Winick of Real World: San Francisco for that comic advice. I wonder what ever became of you? Enh, I guess some things will always remain a mystery!

Batman begins the issue sitting down in the Batcave ignoring the smell of cow manure as he checks the Bat-computer's case files on members of Batman Incorporated. You know what they say! A control freak's work is never done. And it's certainly never done right if you leave it up to someone else! So it's time to check in on Jiru, the Batman of Japan! Jabatpanman!

Jiro is the best because his secret Batcave lies beneath his Hentai/Sex Toy shop in the Ginza.

What the kids are screaming about is a vending machine vended them a human hand instead of an ice cream cone. I don't know what they're complaining about. Human hands are worth way more than a stupid ice cream sandwich.

Wait. Are they going to investigate the organ harvester or have a ménage à trois?

Jiro and Canary's detectivating lead them to a Capsule Hotel where business men check in and check out weighing a few ounces lighter. For once, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbating! It was a euphemism for having an organ harvested!

Actually, the businessmen never check out at all. They're completely harvested and then the bodies are thrown in the bay. This place must have horrendous Yelp reviews.

I was actually hoping for a Batcow Monthly Series but I think Batman of Japan would kick some serious ass each month.

Seriously though. Batwing is boring the shit out of me and Batman of Japan is just languishing in some editor's desk drawer? At least change Batwing's title to Batman Incorporated and follow stories of the various Batmen around the world month to month. Or just start up a Batman of Japan comic book! The New 52 is currently something like five comics short!

The story ends with the capture of Doctor Inside-Out and about eighteen thousand puns. And poor Jiro still doesn't have a shrink ray!

The next case file stars Knight who used to be Squire but is now Knight because Knight was killed by Batthing!

Oh come on! Be funny!

Knight pouts about for a couple of pages because Batman Incorporated has disbanded and Knight is dead and little girls want autographs. But then Springheel Jack attacks and suddenly Knight is needed again! Because the only other heroes are a Mechanic and some guy that wears a Potato Sack on his head. Also Knight is letting everybody call her Squire so I guess she's still Squire even though Squire is a dumb name for a hero without a Knight.

Her ass is pretty fucking impressive though. If you ignore the extreme bifurcation.

Squire defeats Srpingheel Jack and comes to terms with her loss by taking on the name Knight (I was jumping the gun!) and fighting Dinosaur Droogs manning flying battleships. Seriously. Look for yourself!

I'm beginning to think every other member of Batman Incorporated would be more interesting than Batwing. Although he did recently fight a Lion God and Termite Men. Maybe I'm just being lured away by the newness of these characters! Sorry, Batwing, it looks like our relationship has simply lost its passion and run its course.

Hey DC? If the Wonder Woman movie is "too complicated" to make, how about making this one starring Knight and her battle with the Dinosaur Droogs?!

The next person Batman spies on is Raven Red and Man-of-Bats.

The Raven Red story is about Raven Red battling Coyote in the high girders of a half-finished building while remembering a moment speaking with an old man that seemed to be preparing to jump from the top of a casino. The old man worked building skyscrapers and his story makes me feel queasy and uneasy just thinking about the men that built those steel frames. I'm not afraid of heights but those films of men walking around the girders fifty stories or more in the sky just make my stomach fall out of my body. And the man's story and description is exceptionally well told in this short story.

Speaking of heights and not being afraid of them, a recurring dream I used to have just came to me (because of the feeling this story gave me? Possibly!). I grew up in the south bay of the San Francisco Bay Area and was familiar enough with the hills of San Francisco. When you're driving up a really steep hill, it feels like nothing is grounding you to the world and there's absolutely no reason that the car isn't flipping over backwards and sending you tumbling to your death. I used to have dreams about being a passenger in a car driving up these hills. We never flipped over in my dreams but these dreams may have been the most terrifying dreams I had as a child.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is it's a really nice and evocative story. It's the type of story that every back-up story should try to emulate. This what I absolutely crave in a short eight page back-up feature. Well done!

The next case file stars Nightrunner, El Gaucho, and Dark Ranger. I'm most familiar with El Gaucho because he had the most panel time in the Preboot Batman Incorporated.

These guys are hanging out in Buenos Aires dealing with a city gone mad from some kind of high frequency radio madness attack.

Worst radio station ever. And that's saying something!

While he may be the worst disc jockey I've ever seen (again, that's saying something!), he does have a way with words.

Aquaman would be a good nemesis for a villain that nobody has ever heard of!

They eventually save the day. Batwing would be glad to hear that I'm not exactly clamoring for a comic book starring these guys. Although that's mostly because I still really don't know much about them.

And finally we get to the star of he comic book: Batcow! I'm not going to say this story is worth the cover price because everybody who reads the comic book will then demand that I repay them for thinking this story was worth the cover price. But it does have some really nice Batcow images that I'll probably have to make at least one new Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header out of.

Batman Incorporated Special #1 Rating: Just a taste of some stuff that DC had better realize needs to continue. Keep Batman Incorporated's Characters working!

Animal Man #20

I would rather see The Return of Chicken Thief!

Because Buddy Baker's life is too sad and pathetic at the moment, the Animal Man comic book will now be preempted by the less sad but still sad in it's own right documentary, "Tights". At least it stars Buddy Baker acting as Chaz, the secret identity of Red Thunder! At least I won't have to do much commentary on it since it's not really about Animal Man! Right?

Red Thunder is down and out. His wife has left him and his kid has ambivalent feelings towards him. But his life looks like it's rounding a corner (a good corner into a good neighborhood and not a bad corner leading him into a shadowy back alley. But who knows? That would make for a better documentary!) when an agent approaches him to try and market The Red Thunder after a video of Red Thunder getting his ass beaten goes viral.

The likeness isn't right but that must be Jay Leno with the horrible "was green already taken" joke that I can see him saying in an attempt to be funny while his brain-dead audience of mutant cows laughs uproariously at it.

Chaz begins living the big Hollywood life even though all he ever wanted was his family and to help people as Red Thunder. Hey! This sounds an awful lot like Buddy Baker's Animal Man! Is this one of those analogy things from which I'm supposed to glean some insight into Animal Man? Because I'm a stupid moron and I don't understand anything less than being told explicitly what I'm being told! So if this is a clever ruse to teach me about Buddy Baker, I'm not falling for it! Or I'm not learning from it either! I think those things are the same thing, it just depends on your point of view.

Chaz better watch out or the next video to go viral will be Green Arrow kicking his ass for being famous for no good reason.

At the party later that night, Chaz comes across a man assaulting a young woman. He puts a stop to it as Red Thunder and later finds out the man was a powerful movie executive. The man blacklists Chaz for being a decent human being and Chaz's agent drops him. It wouldn't be so bad except that Chaz's contract gave up all rights to Red Thunder to his agent's company. What an idiot! Now he's back on the bottom once again. So what does he have to lose? Who cares if he's sued? Red Thunder must live!

As Tights begins to wrap up with Chaz believed dead only to have his son see a news report of a new, unidentified super hero, the comic book returns to Buddy Baker's world.

Master Comic Book Reader Me, last month: "I’d send Buddy Baker off into a downward spiral, living in a motel, drinking constantly, ignoring the world entirely." Not that I could see the Cliff's death aftermath really beginning from any place else though.

But then Buddy gets a call from his old agent to receive the news that he's been nominated for Best Actor in Tights! Unless he was nominated for Chicken Thief!

Animal Man #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. I know it didn't have much Animal Man in it, but I enjoyed seeing Tights fleshed out some more, especially with how it relates to Buddy's life falling apart now. Hopefully next issue will be "The Thrilling Neighborhood Adventures of Maxine and Socks!"