Red Hood and the Outlaws #32

Is this the first comic book cover to show two male characters masturbating in public?

They're not literally masturbating although the douchebag fucktwats of the world would say, "Red Hood and Speedy are literally masturbating on the cover of Red Hood #32!" No, they're metaphorically masturbating as they cock their phallic symbols. But it's not a subtle metaphor: the positioning of the weapons, the way both characters are in mid-cock, the cheesecake Starfire ready to take them both on on the hood of the car. Maybe even "masturbating" is a conclusion too far away to jump to; maybe they're just pulling out their pieces for the imminent three-way. Whatever the fuck is going on on this cover, it serves its purpose by reminding me one thing: Scott Lobdell is back!

I realize I've been reading Scott Lobdell's comic books all wrong. I've been trying to think about them. I've been expecting them to be more than they truly are. Lobdell has always written to his idea of the twelve year old boy comic book fan. Although way back when I was twelve and way back when I was a boy, Elfquest was my favorite thing in the world. Even then, I don't imagine I would have liked Lobdell's writing. I've spoken with some people who think back and believe Lobdell did a good job on X-Men years ago. I think those people are just forgetting that they were nearly twenty years younger and probably liked some really shitty comic books simply because they featured lots of costumed characters fighting lots of other costumed characters. And while those fans have matured over time, Lobdell has not. He's still writing to the same audience he assumed was reading his stuff years ago. He's trying to keep the gateway open for the twelve year old boy fans that only want to see action and side-boob! So to make sure Scott Lobdell gets a fair shake in my reviews, I now turn this commentary over to the twelve year old boy inside of me.

That wasn't meant to sound as pervy as it did.

This issue begins with Jason Todd taking a controversial ideological stand!

Me too, Red Hood! Fuck those terrorists!

Terrorists should just take whatever America tells them they should take! If they don't like our foreign policies and imperialist attitudes, why don't they fucking go to Mars? No wait! America owns Mars, you fuckers! Maybe they should go live on Ceres! No wait! America probably wants that too because it might have valuable minerals on it! Maybe they should just kill themselves and go to Hell! No wait! America wants Hell too! We could totally exploit all of that free labor. And just think of the neverending reserve of energy from the eternally burning pits of fire? Maybe the terrorists should just calm down and accept our way of life! Fucking bullies! Goddamn cowards! I can't wait to see Red Hood shoot a bunch of them in the face!

I'm on page two and still no shot of Starfire's tits or ass. Darn it!

Oh man! I commented too early on Red Hood's terrific speech! He has even more smarter things to say after the terrorists are cowards speech!

This might be the best thought out logical conclusion I've ever read!

Fucking terrorists! I can't believe someone would read a bumper sticker and then decide to kill themselves in their war against people that don't believe in their bumper sticker! Although I'm not quite sure how terrorists aren't getting their hands dirty. Isn't killing yourself to kill a bunch of innocent people that have no real power behind the idiotic decisions made by our government "committing" or "getting their hands dirty"? And by Jason's logic, he wouldn't mind them so much if they dressed up in a garish costume before doing it? Also, isn't what The Joker and The Penguin and all the others do "terrorism"? Don't they rule Gotham by making other people afraid? Isn't that also what The Batman does?! Except his targets are more focused than other terrorists.

I don't know! What do I know? Red Hood knows what he's doing because he's a hero! I'm just a stupid idiot kid trying to read the most awesomest comic book in the world! I also tend to say things that a twelve year old boy might not actually say but staying in character is hard in the face of the shittiest writing in the world!

It also has the shittiest art team apparently since this is how Jason Todd begins his attack on the terrorist ship he's infiltrated.

Panel before title page.

Title page. I guess he was using some kind of camouflage tech developed by Speedy.

Anyway, I'm sure all the inconsistencies will be explained away later. I'm just hoping for a little Starfire side-boob soon! But I'll have to wait because first Speedy arrives on the front of the plane to murder the pilots! Way to go, Speedy! The only way to stay sober is to find something to occupy your time! Murder is so much better than heroin!

Now that's a great opening line! And well worth taking the time to say while hoping the pilots don't tilt the plane or something crazy.

Red Hood totally throws some guy out of a window and begins shooting other guys in their faces. It must be the best job in the world getting to kill people without feeling the guilt and remorse of killing people because you've turned them into this completely evil other who are only out to destroy and terrify! Fuck man! I can't wait to join the marines! Get my hands on some weapons and legally kill me some terrorists! Or any brown person in some other country far away that I can assume is a terrorist!

The hologram might be showing signs of nationalism but I don't think it's currently being racist.

Starfire finally appears on the eighth page although her boobs are drawn like male pecs so I'm not scanning that! Gross! Then she says "squee" in a totally retarded way and Speedy points out that the internet is dumb. That's probably because Speedy doesn't like to hear people criticize him when he's totally acting like a person that needs to be criticized. It's much easier going on believing you're an awesome archer that arches the shit out of everything his pencil touches rather than hear that you're actually not a very good archer at all and you should probably stop writing already and retire.

There is a better way to prove to the internet that it's not wrong about your abilities other than telling the internet that it's wrong in its conclusions! What is that better way? Do a better job!

This is Scott not doing a better job at all. Does he not own a dictionary? There are a number of them on the internet! Oh, but that doesn't mean they're right though.

And just because I'm, for some reason, in the mood to point out errors in Lobdell's writing, here's another one.

I actually don't care that much about typos and sentences that were obviously reworked and wound up retaining some of the old sentence so that it reads like the one in the panel above. Look, we all do it. If you edit or have decent editors, they're caught and fixed and no harm done. No big deal. I probably have a number of typos in this commentary alone which won't be fixed until I reread it next month. The real issue I have is that Lobdell's turns of phrase, his story elements, his plots, and his characterizations are all half-assed month after month. This is a guy that doesn't give a shit about the scripts he turns in. This is a man that has no respect for the characters and thus no respect for the fans of those characters. And I'm sure twelve year old boy me would have said the exact same thing. Although I did seem to read and enjoy a lot of Marv Wolfman when I was that age, so maybe I would have been a fan of Lobdell as well. But times change. I will no longer defend Wolfman's current material just because I liked it when I was younger and I think Lobdell deserves the same treatment from those who might have enjoyed his stuff when they were younger. Let's just be honest. Lobdell's writing is terrible. We, the internet, can all agree on that, right? And for once, the internet is spot on about something.

The next few pages are full of hero worship as Roy and Jason stare out the window of a crashing plane and watch Starfire dismantle a nuclear bomb. While they watch, a "slap" sound effect is added for some reason. I don't think I want to know the reason. What could possibly be sla...no! No! I don't need to know what's going on.

I think at this point I have to admit that I couldn't do the pretend thing where I was enjoying Lobdell's writing. So it's back to criticizing every single little miniscule tiny teeny thing he does!

Speaking of criticizing Lobdell, I began watching the first season of Young Justice recently. I forget the lines and moments that led me to this theory, but I felt very quickly that Scott Lobdell stole most of the what he was doing for The New 52 from watching Young Justice. I made that declaration somewhere (I have too many rants and raves to remember where) a few days ago. And then I just recently watched the episode where Superboy finds his older brother in Cadmus. You know? The one that burns the Superman logo onto his chest backwards while looking into a mirror? Kind of the way H'el did? Anyway, back to Red Hood!

After America is saved, some villain in a swamp tries to be threatening while being a bumbling moron. He never gives his name so forget about him. Hopefully he'll never show up again. Meanwhile, The Outlaws are ambushed by an encephalo-magnetic pulse. I hate those things! They're knocked out and taken prisoner guest. Too bad they weren't killed.

Why is Roy wearing Hammer Pants?

Well if Man-Bat has to be anywhere, I'm glad he's in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That gives me one more reason to hate it!

SHADE has picked up a space ship that was sending this message: "Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran. You are our final hope." So Starfire enters the ship and then flies screaming back out of it. Now all of the readers are on the edges of their seats wondering what Scott Lobdell decided must have been inside the ship during the time he had to write the next script.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32 Rating: -2 Ranking. It's so nice to have Scott Lobdell back on this book. I don't mind if he ruins this one. But having him at the helm of Superman? That was simply blasphemy on DC's part. I would probably have more to say about it but my laptop's fan just conked out and now my laptop keeps trying to overheat. So I should probably deal with that before I completely crash my hard drive!

Wonder Woman #32

When life gives you labyrinths, make minotaurade.

Because I don't know anything about anything else, I decided to consult Princess Wikipedia for the origin of the saying, "When life gives you labyrinths, make lemonade." Err, or something. Anyway, she made a face and rolled her eyes and said, "Really? You're going to demand information from me? Well I'm busy. But I'm sure my retinue has uncovered some information." And she was correct! Although her retinue are idiots that publish sentences like this in her name: "In 2011 the rap duo Bad meets evils song loud noises Eminem said 'Life handed me lemons, I jumped back in the public eye And squirted lemon juice in it'". Illiterate peasants are running her kingdom!

Ever notice how every Wikipedia article details the subject for a bit and then ends in an "In Popular Culture" section which basically means "All the Times This Subject Was Mentioned in Modern Pop Music, Shitty Movies, and Anime."

The Wikipedia entry on "Themyscira" currently reads, "A place preparing for a big fat war, fatty fuck cock ass democrats suck!!."

The Wikipedia entry for "Hell" currently reads, "An hour or more alone at a table with your parents. Or a realm quickly emptying of lost souls being visited by Moon and Desire."

The Wikipedia entry for "Olympus" currently reads, "Wadn't dat da place with all a dem gods and such? The ones defeated by Yahweh? More like Obunchalimppussies, amirite?"

Never mind this panel. This is more important. Way back when Sarah Palin was first announced as the vice presidential candidate, I visited her Wikipedia page to learn more about her. It read, "A taco." I laughed so hard that I hit refresh before thinking clearly and taking a screen shot and it had already been fixed. I never read the restored page though because "a taco" was really all I needed to know.

The First Born keeps yammering on about killing all the gods until Strife walks up and sits on his hand. Then he says, "Rrrrggh." I think that means, "Okay, I guess you can live because my thumb feels really fucking nice resting lightly upon your labia."

The Wikipedia entry for "labia" currently reads, "If only teenage boys knew the actual names for the female genitalia, they could find lots of good wank material here! I mean, lots of good information. Unless showing the majority of photos of female genitalia minus the pubic hair is only going to confuse them later in life."

Anyway, the battle begins in Harvest's realm. Cassandra and the S&Minotaur attack. They're easily contained by Moon, Desire, Harvest, and Wonder Woman. But then The First Born arrives to destroy Harvest's entire realm. He's successful enough that Harvest gives up. But not Wonder Woman! She sends everybody away so that she can face the First Born in a one on one, hand to hand deathmatch supreme.

The Wikipedia entry for "mano a mano" currently reads, "Total gay man on man sack action with nachos."

Hermes managed to survive the tussle in Hell and he's the guy that teleports everyone away from The First Born. He's also the one that has to explain to Zola that he doesn't know if Wonder Woman will survive the battle against The First Born. And that's when Orion and Wesley Willis return to save the day! But that day won't come until next month.

Wonder Woman #32 Rating: No change. Thirty two issues of The New 52 Wonder Woman and I still don't know why she's been living in London. Why do you ignore the important parts of the story, Azzarello? Do you hate the readers?! We have questions that need answers! Like how many kebabs does Wonder Woman down each night on the way home blitzed from drinking at the pub? Does she enjoy her chips with mayonnaise or ketchup? When she goes dancing at the clubs (you remember? That thing she likes to do that Charles Soule told us about because you were too busy writing about the war between the gods?), which drugs does she take? If only you cared about the character, Azzarello! Stop screwing around and writing something worth reading! I think you're just content to only be ranked at #2 in the most objective New 52 Ranking System ever devised (mine!).

Harley Quinn #7

Hot damn! I bet these two were playing Bloody Mary! Unless they were playing that game where you say some name into a mirror.

Harley Quinn is a clown. Unless she's a doctor. Maybe she's a doctor that believes she's a clown. She used to be a supporting character in another person's life but she's taken on the responsibility of being a title character now. She also might be a little bit insane. But sane or insane, what does it really matter? Perception will trump reality every time. You can have dozens of doctors telling you that you're not hearing other people's voices in your head and that's it's just a glitch in your brain causing you to disassociate yourself from the origin of the voices. But if you're the one hearing the voices, it's kind of hard to listen to the professionals telling you that you're not. Especially when the voices are pointing out that the doctors are actually demons and they're trying to poison you with their so-called medications.

So sane or insane, does it matter? Can't we all just assume the Cheshire Cat was right and try to make do? I try to make do by remaining reclusive and avoiding serious conversations with other people. But I found a serious flaw in being a recluse! I keep my life orderly so that when I leave the house, I commit to short jaunts to familiar places. Get in and get out. Expose yourself to "reality" in the most miniscule time units you can manage. The flaw? The places I frequent most often because they're familiar to me cause me to be familiar with the owners and workers of those places! So now they're trying to have personal conversations with me instead of just helping me as they'd help some other anonymous nobody! I go in to get comic books: "Hey Tess! These are all you're getting this week? Usually you have a huge stack!" I go to get Korean Bento: "Do you want the usual? How is the Non-Certified Spouse? Back from visiting family yet?" I go to eat breakfast out: "Yeah, I used to live on 48th as well! I grew up there! Did you know Mack and Elma?" I go to the bank: "How is Judas?" What the fuck, bank clerk?! How do you know my cat's name! What the fuck is going on here?! How does everybody in my neighborhood suddenly know so much about me when I barely leave the fucking house!?

*pant pant pant*

Forget reality. Just let it go, Tess! Look at the comic book. Remember the comic book. That's the world you want to spend your time inside. Breathe slowly. Let your ego dissipate in the gentle caress of images and speech balloons. Relax. Relax. Re. Lax.

Get out! Get out! The posts are coming from inside the house!

I just pointed out that Harley might be the teensiest bit insane so I might disagree with Poison Ivy's convoluted assessment of the situation. Somebody might ask why Harley Quinn has issued a hit on herself but that someone might think that logic or reason means anything to the distorted thinking of a crazy person. Seriously though. If logic and reason mean nothing to sane people, why would crazy people be any different?

After leaving the beach, Poison Ivy digs around on Harley's computer to look for some clues! Clues are always a good thing to find when one discovers they're wrapped up in a mystery! And if you can't find any clues, the next best thing to find is a rich white guy involved in real estate that has easy access to scary rubber masks. Then you kill him and the mystery should quietly disappear.

Oh ha ha. The Nunya Business file. Hoo whee! It's moments like this that I wonder why God only gave us two knees to slap!

The next page, Harley finishes the Nunya Business joke that I already lost my shit over. The folder is password protected and Harley doesn't know the password. I guess Ivy will just have to remain awake while hiding behind a potted plant in the corner of the room and wait until somebody tries to access the laptop. And by "somebody" I mean Harley Quinn.

Fine. Hide in the closet. I think a potted plant would work better! Also note the Cheshire Cat under the bed because I'm a Master Comic Book Reader or something.

The plan works! Harley falls asleep and then gets on her laptop to increase the payout of the hit on her. Her crazy and/or quite confident plan is to get the competition to come to her so she can kill them all. I can't wait until Deathstroke gets a whiff of this contract! He doesn't kill for fun, you know!

As Harley updates, she's attacked by two more assassins, Cliche Skull Head and Masked Katana Woman in Leather Clichegirl. They have to be caricatures of assassins because they're going to be dead soon. As a comic book creator, you don't want to create a character that can earn you royalties and waste them by killing them off immediately! No way! You have to create watered down versions of characters people will kind of recognize and then kill them! These two are probably actually called Killdeath and Deathkill. Oh! I just copyrighted those names!

I'm tempted to replace my pink Stephanie "Get Up and Dance" icon with this one of Goat Boy's dinner being ruined.

Harley wakes up in time to kill the assassins so Poison Ivy doesn't have to. She wouldn't want Babsgirl or Screaming Canary to smell murder on her just in case she gets another chance to join the Birds. Harley can kill because she learned it from The Joker and he's always had free reign to murder to his heart's content. At least until Batman shows up. But Batman isn't going to come to New York to bother with Harley! Although now that Harley's raised the price on her own hit, Deathstroke or Twat Lobo might show up!

Mini-Danzig (he must really be small to refer to him as both "mini" and "Danzig," amirite?!) checks in on the girls to make sure they're not dead since bullets did come through the floor of the entire building. As he helps bag up Skulldeathkillkillman, Skulldeathkillkillman's phone goes off. It plays "I Will Survive" because of irony or sarcasm or anacoluthon or something. The phone tells the tale of a secret meeting of Brooklyn Assassins where Brooklyn Assassins are meeting in secret. Can you believe Harley's luck?! Now she knows where to go to kill them all at one time! She'd probably thank Jesus but he might take issue with all the killing that's about to take place.

This is normally where I'd scan a panel of the carnage except PENIS JOKE! <-- anacoluthon!

It's a good thing I opted to scan the penis joke since there wasn't much carnage to speak of. Harley threatens all the killers and says they shouldn't be trying to kill her for a very good reason. And that reason is that she'll kill them and their families if they try to kill her. Only one doesn't agree to leave her alone and that's the one that winds up allowing for some carnage. Afterward, everyone goes shoe shopping!

Harley Quinn #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Another very nice looking issue. Some major pluses were lots of nearly naked people. Some minuses were Harley's Beaver getting a hole blown through it. He seems to be okay though. Plus the jokes were much better this time around than the last issue.

Batman Eternal #11

Recently every cover with Batgirl on it looks like she's attempting to engage in scissoring.

I learned some stuff today! I decided to skim every issue of the 1985 Who's Who series to see if anybody was named Maxwell Payne. I figured he's going to be an important character in Futures End (or was important the five years between Now and Futures End, anyway!) and it was possible it was the name of some d-list villain. I couldn't find anybody by that name. I think the only person that had "Payne" as a last name was one of the three Clayfaces (the worst one!). But I did learn that Batman Incorporated used to be called The Dome!

I suppose I kind of already knew this since I read Infinity Inc many, many years ago. But due to the passage of time, a poor memory for details, and the insipid yet constant belief that any time I hear about anything for the first time ever, I believe it's the first time that thing has ever existed, I didn't make the connection.

Also while watching the first season of Young Justice, I got to see The Forever People in action and hear Jason Bard's name dropped in a telepathic training exercise. Jason Bard was also important enough for a Who's Who entry (for some horrible reason). He must have been created by somebody at DC with a lot of pull.

"Hey! Don't forget that boring ass white guy I created! He's different from the other boring ass white guy's I created because he uses a cane!"

Now that I'm chock full of useless information, it's time to apply it to my reading of Batman Eternal! Now I can say things that make me sound like I'm full of insight like, "Remember how Jason Bard used to run his own detective agency? I wonder how much he charged The Batman? I also wonder why the dirty cops never firebombed it!" Then some smartass comic book know-it-all will probably come along and say, "Actually, his place of business was firebombed in Detective Comics #433 entitled, 'Jason Bard's House of Sexual Dishonesty.'"

This issue begins with Batgirl trying to keep Scorpiana from murdering the man that was standing at the subway where her father did that horrible thing he apparently did. Batgirl thinks he knows something since he was standing around for hours and then left after the accident. Why would he stand around at a subway station for hours possibly waiting for somebody? Why would he leave after the accident instead of continuing waiting on the person he was waiting for?! Why did he eat a hot dog and look bored?! So suspicious!

The art makes me believe that a cat with a boner is going to sidle by at any minute.

This art is causing my brain to believe masturbation is about to take place! At any second, Batgirl's clothes are going to fall from her body and she's going to wrap her legs around Scorpiana's face. The camera man is going to pull out his penis and begin masturbating as he films the fuckfight. And then scorpions and spiders are going to crawl out of Scorpiana's ass and...oh. Okay, that's done it. I'm not thinking about masturbation anymore!

Meanwhile back at Wayne Manor, Alfred spends some quality time with his estranged daughter, Julia. He makes her a delicious looking fake sandwich and then lets her yell at him for a few panels.

And then...oh joy!...he gets to wipe up blood! What a fantastic day! Being a butler sure seems swell.

The scene shifts to Stephanie Brown doing research on her father's alias, Cluemaster. I bet the word "spoil" gets used at some point during this scene!

I'm wrong because I guess Snyder and company finally realized they were doing the same thing on a weekly basis and everybody was noticing. You can do that on a monthly basis because everybody forgets everything that was in last month's comic book. That's why so many people kept buying Teen Titans. They would forget how awful it was and then see it on the shelf next month and think, "Oh! I love the Teen Titans!" Then they would get home, read the comic book, and dream about the $2.99 they just threw down DC's toilet. Although to make up for the fact that "spoil" isn't said, they have Cluemaster as a civilian game show host use the word "clue" a few times! And they bold and italicize it in the same way they were doing when they used the word "spoil". Can a person feel halfway vindicated? I think that's what I'm feeling!

Where is that cat and his boner?

Now Scorpiana will break in to continue the fuckfight with Batgirl. But then Red Hood will save the day and Babs will be all, "I didn't need saving, you misogynist jerko!" And Red Hood will be all, "Fuck you, you harpy!" And then they'll engage in some mutual masturbation while listening to a Styx album.

How is Scorpiana going to fuckfight effectively with that mask on?

You know what couple of characters I haven't seen lately that I really miss? Alfred the cat and Batcow. Come on, DC! That's a monthly title that would make a killing! Or at least sell the one copy I buy. Isn't that enough?

Back to Spoi...I mean Stephanie Brown doing research in the library, I discover I was too quick to believe in half-vindication!

Full on vindication, urethra munchers!

Did you know that the race of beings that were the Tele-tubbies were actually called "Urethra Munchers." It's a fact! Go ahead! Look it up!

Does anybody know how to upload facts to Google?

This issue may never have gotten around to showing me a cat with a boner but these following panels are filled with flaccid, uncircumcised cocks and a stuffed animal that is a boob.

I'd prefer to just say "cocks" but I figure most of my readership live in America where only circumcised cocks get any air time. So all you young girls and boys that have never seen an uncircumcised cock before, this is the horror that will emerge from the pants of the person it's attached too!

I'm always surprised when an American points to something they find horrific being done in another country but they rush right out to get their baby's penis trimmed. As well as all the other horrible things Americans still buy into. That's just the one that's currently on my mind since I just saw two dozen cocks in that panel I scanned.

Back in Brazil, Batgirl escapes the television studio with Gonzolo and accidentally drops him inside Starfire's ship. At least I think it's Starfire! It looks like Starfire!

It's just...there's just...I mean...something is missing. And I don't mean all the dicks sticking out of all of her orifices! I mean, those are missing. It's just not what I meant this time!

El Gaucho arrives to capture Scorpiana and Red Hood appears to tell Batgirl she needs to calm the fuck down and start using her head to find the man at the subway station. So I guess they're going to team up for awhile without being angry at each other. Maybe. There are plenty of other reasons to be mad at Red Hood!

The mini-story that bookends this issue is about Selina visiting the grave of Lola, her ex-fence that died in a manner that can probably be seen as Catwoman's fault if you wanted to be a dick about it. A letter on the grave claims to be from her father. I think in some other DC reality, Falcone may have been her father. So he might be in this one as well. But if he is, he doesn't know Selina is Catwoman. Anyway, Batman is hanging around the graveyard hoping that Selina is sad and vulnerable and in the mood.

Oh! She is in the mood! She wants you to drop the stupid daddy act and be a non-daddy right now!

Batman Eternal #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. Um. Hmm. Oh yeah! I have to come up with a nice blurb for the Batman Eternal Trade when it comes out! "If you've never heard of Batman, don't bother picking up this one! Maybe try that Wolverine trade further down the rack -- Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea!"

Futures End #7

Yeah! Who is afraid of the neutered bat?

Somebody needs to die this issue to keep me interested. My guess is it will be Coil since Coil has been dragging his feet about joining The Key's big heist. It's always the cautious individual that gets punished when pushy people convince that individual to do something risky or illegal. I don't suppose it will be any of the other characters highlighted so far since most of them appeared in Futures End #0 where they died. I suppose that's an alternate future since Terry McBatman has now come back in time to change everything. But if that's the case and he's going to fix stuff then I can't expect anybody to die, right? Also, in five real years, am I going to have to reread all of these stories again in the regular monthly titles of these characters?!

This issue begins with a battle between an undead monster and a ghostly phantom. It's like an old comic that might have had "weird" or "strange" or "house" as part of the title.

These dead bodies don't count since they were killed in Issue #1.

I like how Lemire and Snyder commented on the crappy quality of some of DC's New 52 comics in their Rotworld story. All the dead heroes that had been turned into Rotlings were the worst written characters so far in The New 52 like Grifter and Hawk and Dove and The Teen Titans and Katana and Green Arrow. It was brilliant! I mean, it was mean! What jerks! How dare they point out the differing quality of the books and subversively comment on writers that actually care about what they're putting out versus those that just care about the paycheck.

That last comment might have been a bit unfair. It's possible Nocenti and Lobdell are doing the best that they can and they don't give a shit about the paycheck. Although I'm fairly certain Lobdell still dreams of fucking a different comic book groupie every night on top of mountains of X-men cash continuously pouring in from the nineties speculation market. Although most comic book groupies of the time were adolescent boys which isn't the picture I was trying to portray of Scott Lobdell. You can skip that last sentence if you aren't Scott Lobdell's attorney and go ahead and believe I meant whatever you want to believe I meant when I mentioned Lobdell and diddling groupies.

Meanwhile back on Earth, Lois Lane threatens to deport her employees if they don't do as she says.

Apparently the entire office is okay with her discriminatory practices.

At least Not Red Robin Anymore's girlfriend, Madison Payne, doesn't like the way Lois Lane does her business. And Lois Lane doesn't like the way Mad Payne is the daughter of Max Payne. I don't think I like that either! I bet Max Payne is also a Major in the army! And I bet his wife's name is Gigantic Thorpe. She kept her maiden name.

I really like Madison Payne!

If this is the first time you're reading one of my 1500+ comic book reviews, I'll give you the TL;DR on them: I hate goddamned journalists, local newscasters, and non-Muslim heterosexual white men.

After Lois Lane gets her ass chewed out, there's an advertisement for a new Infinite Crisis comic book. Do I need to do commentary on this title? Reader thoughts are appreciated to convince me to pick up that series. No, they won't actually be appreciated! But they will determine whether or not I read the series.

Meanwhile Jasonstorm continues to enjoy the role of teacher's pet, Ronniestorm visits a memorial with his mom's name on it, and Deathstroke kicks people in the face while training on Cadmus Island. That's where Grifter has been taken. It's becoming a lot like that island where the Doom Patrol lived before Superboy punched reality or the island with all the geniuses in Watchmen. I mean, not exactly like those things since those housed intelligent and creative people while Cadmus Island, so far, only has Deathstroke and Grifter. So it has brutal killers which is nearly the exact same thing as intellectuals.

Faraday is building some kind of Daemonite killing team. I imagine, since this series is all about highlighting cancelled characters, that team is Team 7. I'm not sure who the little girl with the glowing eyes is though. I suppose it's probably Jericho. You know, Joseph Wilson? Slade's son? Try to keep up!

"Yuh nah mah fadder?" Okay, maybe it's not Jericho! Or that was some kind of stupid joke because the little girl that Joseph is currently possessing isn't Deathstroke's child.

Later the girl introduces herself as "Fifty Sue." It sounds like one of Crazy Jane's personalities. Maybe she's one of those metas that can multiply like Mob Rule or Multiplication Guy.

Back at the park where The Key and Coil and Plastique are making plans for a heist they're not even sure they're going to attempt since Coil is all, "We'll be trapped!" and "I don't know if I can do it!" and "I don't want to be anybody's bitch anymore!", Mister Terrific calls Terry McBatman not a bum. I guess in the future, that's a major insult because Terry McBatman instantly kicks Mister Terrific in the face. Not a great idea! You know how many Terry McBatman's Mister Terrific buys and sells before his before breakfast shit?! Probably, like, a zillion or something!

Oh! Maybe I should have said, "Do you know how many Terry McBatman's Mister Terrific eats for breakfast every morning before his before breakfast shit?" Does that work better? It seems kind of confusing but he's rich and needs to keep up his huge muscle mass, so I'm sure he eats before he eats all of the time. Also he eats before he shits. You know, just to help push out the caviar and oysters and Cristal from the midnight snack of the night before.

Terry McBatman flees the battle because he's a wussy girl. That might be sexist but I'd rather be seen as sexist then be seen as a homophobe by saying wussy boy! Unless it's only homophobic because I now pointed out that when I say "wussy boy," I mean gay male! Maybe I should have just said he flees the battle like a stupid French tart! That can't be seen as offensive by anybody! Especially since it's so accurate because whenever a stupid French tart flees a battle, they always leave behind their shopping cart full of cybernetic arms, legs, and heads. I'm nothing if not precise in my use of language symbols!

Oh no! By traveling through time to stop Mister Terrific's bugbot empire, they've helped start Mister Terrific's bugbot empire! Oh the bugbotmanity!

Futures End #7 Rating: No change. Nobody died! How dare this comic book not kill anybody? Doesn't it know what makes for exciting adventures? The number one rule is to kill off a character. And when you've got so many characters to kill off and it doesn't matter if they die or not because this is an imaginary future tale, you should be killing them off left and right and whatever that third direction is that scientists recently discovered. Didn't they just discover something like that? Didn't they call it ambertron or something? I bet in the future, everybody drives on the ambertron hand side of the street!

Oh! I should give a quick blurb for this comic book so that DC puts it on the Futures End trade when it comes out. "Futures End? More like Futures Beginning! Am I right? Or am I ambertron?!"

Green Lantern Corps #32

Is this where John creates a girder or a piece of rebar to stop the Daxamites?

I'd be a horrible Green Lantern. Apparently Green Lanterns like to make constructs of things that were common to them in their daily lives. So John Stewart makes a lot of construction materials. Guy Gardner makes footballs and weapons. Kyle Rayner makes giant pencils and crazy imaginative creatures because he's a dumb dumb comic book artist. And Hal Jordan makes butt plugs and nipple clamps. But me? What would I make? Probably just great big words! I'd hit a few aliens with a gigantic "FUCK" and another one would be crushed by a huge "CUNT" while a half dozen would be peppered by "SHITS" and "ASSHOLES." Then I'd probably hit some evil female antagonist with a "BITCH" and get in huge trouble with my team members. I'd have just saved the world and they'd barely be able to look me in the eye. "Really, Tess? Really? Words can hurt." Then I'd glance around at all the dead aliens crushed by my light construct words and I'd say, "No kidding!"

This issue begins with the Green Lantern Corps (plus Fatality) visiting Daxam to warn the Daxamites that the Durlans are coming for them. But the Daxamites don't want any part of the Green Lantern Corps' goodwill. They'll probably blame the Green Lanterns when the Durlans suddenly appear right after the Green Lantern Corps does. The Lanterns probably should have just remained off-planet waiting for the Durlans to attack. Then they could have sat back polishing their rings waiting for the Daxamites to plead for their help. Instead of invaders and trouble-makers, they're suddenly saviours!

See? Now let them be until they ask for help, you assholes.

I guess the Daxamites used to live under a yellow sun but Sodamn Yatstikoff turned it into a red sun. Unless they used to live under a red sun and Sodamn turned it into a yellow sun and then back again into a Red Sun. Somehow he was involved in changing the sun in someway. The Daxamites don't seem to be too angry at him though. I think I'd be right pissed if he stole my super powers away from me! But I'm not a Daxamite! I'm just a person reading The New 52! So I'm pissed that Green Lantern comic books keep referring to Preboot history!

The Daxamites Daxam defense plan is to ship a bunch of Daxamites to a solar system with a yellow sun, let them charge their batteries, and return as super soldiers. That seems like a good plan for the planet's future defense. But right now, they've got trouble on their doorstep! I think they'd better rethink their anti-Green-Lantern policy.

Meanwhile back on Mogo, Van Jensen checks the Professional Comic Book Writer's "Conflict Between Two Good Guys Because There Is No Time To Explain" box. He's really getting the hang of things!

What Daggle has no time to explain is how he's updating the rings so that they can identify Durlans. And for once, maybe (MAYBE), a person saying they didn't have time was right because just as the Green Lantern Corps' rings are updated, they're attacked by the Daxamites. And they instantly learn that the Daxamites have been adulterated with Durlans. Or infiltrated although I prefer adulterated because the Durlans suck. Good thing the Lanterns kept them from their road trip to the nearest yellow sun!

For some reason, the Durlans still believe they can defeat the Green Lantern Corps. Sure they can shift shapes. Sure they have them outnumbered about a thousand to one. But they don't have Green Lantern rings! And they don't have Kanjar Ro and the other Green Lantern enemies fighting on their side. Although they still have two issues left of Uprising, so they may actually have the upper hand by the time this issue ends.

And they kind of do and they kind of don't! The Green Lanterns save Daxam and the few remaining Daxamites. But the Durlan ships full of Durlans that can turn into Daxamites blast off for Zezzen and the oceans of energy that will enable them to retain the Daxamite form. Then it's one more hop to a yellow sun and they'll be unbeatable! Except for that pesky allergy to lead. Bah! That probably won't be a problem at all!

Green Lantern Corps #32 Rating: No change. John Stewart and his Lanterns have really just been chasing their own tails during this thing. Sure, they're liberating oppressed people and saving entire planets! But they're not stopping the Durlans plans at all! They keep finding themselves one step behind. Although with two issues left, the Lanterns finally know what to do! My guess is that they'll be too late, some more energy beings will die, some super Daxamite-Durlans will think they're ready to rule the universe, and then the first planet they land on will be full of vehicles using leaded gasoline. The end!

Constantine #15

Terrific cover for so many intellectual reasons that I don't have time to think about because emotional and immediate reactions are more important anyway.

One of the biggest problems plaguing human beings is how immediacy and emotion generally win out over thoughtfulness and speculation. Many people have learned a crippling manner of deconstructing texts in which they zealously ferret out a way to read something as offensive. And if the surface layer of the text (or art or experience or doughnut) is already upsetting, even better! Now they don't have to stop and think, "Why?" They don't have to bother with puzzling through what is being said and figuring out if there is any subtext to the offensive piece. Nobody stops to think, "Perhaps there's more here than I first thought?" Well, they do if their first thought is, "Why wasn't I offended? I'm sure this is offensive! Let me figure out why I should be so angry at this!" We really have become people who have replaced critical thinking with merely being offended. Who has time for thinking and responding when you can just blow up while telling other people to shut up?

I can't deny living by the seat of my emotions is far more exciting than spending time rereading Nocenti's comic books to truly see if there is any merit to them. It's much more fun to scream and rant and rave about how bad they are than to really dig into the meat of her words, pulling marrow from the bones of her themes, and giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's actually creating a meal and not just shitting on the table and asking me to eat up and enjoy. I don't often take what I'm doing seriously which is why making joke after joke about how awful Nocenti and Lobdell are fill most of my posts. And since I'm trying to write a little something about each of fifty-two comic books per month, I just don't have the time to be truly critical of the texts I'm reading. Knowing I don't have time to be truly critical, I opt for the complete opposite. I think the complete opposite of "truly critical" is "wildly facetious."

What I mean to say is that I'm not putting myself above those who suffer from the malady of expressing themselves in pure immediacy without reflection. I'm engaging in it here in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea as well. The difference is I'm fucking joking around. Sure, I'm pretty mean toward specific individuals but that's part of the joke, an essential piece of my blog persona. People sometimes ask what I'd do if I met Scott Lobdell as if they believe I'd walk up and spit on him as opposed to treating him respectfully as he (and we all) deserve to be treated. Although we also deserve honesty so I'm probably doing him a disservice if I actively ever told him I enjoy his writing. But I wouldn't tell him to his face his writing sucks! I'd just avoid the topic altogether!

Anyway, not only did this issue begin with a great cover, it also began with a great first panel (which belies the fact that I'm sick of Narration Boxes. But I never said they can't work when done well!):

I think a lot of people and places have a decent amount in common with Charlotte and Hong Kong.

I've been to Hong Kong and I thought it was perfectly fabulous. Except for the smog. China's smog was smothering it! Also they use dollars so I felt like I was spending real American money instead of weird fake currency like Yuans or Bahts. Although it felt like everything was about ten times more expensive than it should have been. "What do you mean a Big Mac costs twenty dollars?! This is ridiculous!" Then I threw my tray through a window and stomped out chanting, "USA! USA!" Anyway, I probably only thought Hong Kong was fabulous because I was rotting from the inside more than Hong Kong was rotting from the inside. So it's rot seemed fresh and tasty compared to my rot which was gross and like something you'd pick out of your asshole at the end of a long camping trip sans bathing opportunities.

Anyway! Constantine and his sword containing the soul of Foghorn Leghorn are busy infiltrating Graceful Moon's Lucky Time Hotel For Good Fortune. Foghorn Leghorn says, I says, it's probably a bad idea. But Constantine doesn't know the meaning of the phrase "bad idea!" He thinks it means "opportunity!"

Once Constantine arrives at Graceful Moon's suite, the comic book opens on a double page spread of stunning visuals covered up by a host of Narration Boxes explaining the visuals. I suppose Ray Fawkes wants to make sure that the reader understands that everything in the picture is some kind of specific good luck charm. But since that's all that Constantine has been pointing out up until now, the reader probably could have guessed that the moths and the banners and the monkeys were all there to bring good fortune.

It's Foghorn Leghorn! Go on! Tell her!

Meanwhile Tannarak and Sargon consider the problem of Constantine. Tannarak isn't worried because The Cult of the Cold Flame has access to "the greatest pool of magic in history" while Constantine only has "his endless monkeyshines." Hmm. I think I'd rather have access to something endless than something limited even if it is the greatest! As soon as you run that pool dry dealing with Constantine's monkeyshines, he'll still have an endless amount of monkeyshines! Tannarak spent too much time studying magic and not enough time with his arithmetic.

Back in Hong Kong, Constantine is giving Graceful Moon a taste of his monkeyshines. Mmm! Tasty! But also medicinal!

Take a gander at the monkeyshines, Tannarak. Notice how they always seem to come through for Constantine?

Constantine does that thing he does where he barely does anything and the other mage defeats herself. This time, he blocks Graceful Moon's magic for just a few seconds. But that's long enough for Hong Kong to take back all that she's been stealing from it by manipulating its luck and good fortune strictly for her use. Like a punkass kid at the bottom of a wishing well, it wants its wish back. It wants all the wishes back.

While Foghorn Leghorn was in the grasp of Graceful Moon, he learned from her that it was indeed Tannarak that taught Constantine his first spell which ended in the death of Constantine's parents. Some other shit happened that I'm not sure about but which causes Constantine to get a glimpse of the future where the chains holding the magic realm together are breaking apart. And that's the end of this issue.

Constantine #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. Constantine is much better when he's not involved in a team book involved in a crazy crossover. I'm also not a big fan of his attempt to balance magic so the world doesn't fall into ruin. Which is why I like this story line so far. He's not going after the Cult of the Cold Flame to save the world; he's after them because Tannarak fucked with his life and he wants some kind of revenge for that. If his goal happens to coincide with saving the world, he can always use that knowledge to try and impress Zatanna.