Batwoman #28

I thought Gotham City was horrible before it had giant spiders.

At the end of last issue, Maggie's daughter caught Kate Kane changing out of her Batwoman costume in the middle of the night. If that's the worst thing to go wrong this night then she should probably be ecstatic. She survived being ambushed by Wolf Spider, poisoned, and thrown off of a skyscraper. She could have come home and began making out with Maggie while in full costume when Maggie's daughter walked in. That song would be so much better than "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Which, when you really think about it, is a totally fucked up song. The little girl doesn't know Santa is her daddy so she thinks her mom is cuckolding daddy (I'm sure the girl in the song knows the word "cuckold") and she thinks it's funny! "Oh, what a laugh if daddy had only seen! As long as he had his shotgun locked up in the gun safe, that is." Of course, we, the listeners, don't even actually know that her Daddy is dressed as Santa! That could be her Dad's best friend Ross under that beard and red suit! Still, whether or not Mommy is screwing around behind Daddy's back doesn't bother me at all. It's the little girl's attitude that I find abhorrent! She should be freaked out by this! She should be screaming for Daddy to get in here and kick Santa's ass! At the very least, she should go back to her bedroom and begin shitting in the corner of her room on a nightly basis due to her suddenly acquiring a healthy new set of emotional problems that will be with her for the rest of her life.

"I saw mommy kissing Batwoman,
Bloody bruised and breathing heavily.
All the boners there would have been
If some fratboys had only seen
Mommy kissing Batwoman last night!"

Maybe I'm pursuing the wrong livelihood! I should attempt to be like Hugh Grant's character's father in About a Boy and work on trying to write one fucking Christmas hit and be set for life! Why doesn't everybody do that?! It can't be that hard to write a good Christmas song. People continue to fucking play that vile piece of ear feces "Frosty the Snowman", don't they? Whenever I watched the Christmas special, I always wondered if, after Frosty put on the magic hat, Frosty took on aspects of the original hat's owner and became a raging pedophile? I'm not saying all magicians are perverse kid diddlers but...no, no. I am saying that. I haven't watched that special in a long time because I hate it but wasn't the magician portrayed as a villain? When all he wanted was his stupid hat back after that snowbitch stole it? Frosty really should have been arrested for petty larceny.

I'm not sure why this is such a big deal. Kids get scared sometimes. Probably not enough times even. Actually, they should be in a constant state of terror. If I had a child, you can bet there would be no "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus" bullshit. It would be more, "No no no no no no no no no no why is mommy kissing the bogeyman oh no no no no no no" and "Daddy, why is their a large stone table covered in melted red crayon and hamburger in the basement?"

Since Kate's personal life is now all screwed up because of one inconsequential fright that will probably be forgotten in the morning, Kate decides to go out as Batwoman looking for Wolf Spider. Nobody wants to tell her where he is because they ain't no good rats. Kate does find him the next day when she runs into her high school friend Evan who is just as beat up as she is but neither of them know that they were recently just trying to kill each other. Unless Evan isn't actually Wolf Spider because that would be a bigger twist than him being Wolf Spider. As soon as it was mentioned Evan was good at gymnastics, the odds were more in favor of him being Wolf Spider than not. Also the new character is always the prime suspect when introduced in an issue where a new villain is also introduced. So, yet again, that would make it a bigger twist if he wasn't the bad guy.

This is the face of a woman thinking, "Hey wait. Didn't the Trap Door Spider use Krav Maga to throw me through a window?"

Kate ditches Evan to go talk with Maggie and winds up running into Maggie's daughter, Jamie. Who she scares yet again. Good for her! Keep that kid's instincts sharp! She's living in Gotham City now! Can't ever relax too much.

Maggie and Kate have a really lousy talk because all of a sudden Kate's career as a superhero is suddenly putting strain on their relationship. Not the kind of strain where Maggie says, "I can't do this anymore!" The kind of strain where Maggie says, "You probably need a psychiatrist because cuckoo puffs!" Maybe it's not exactly that kind of strain either but it's definitely Maggie looking at Kate in a new light now that Maggie's daughter is in the house with them. She's actually seeing her as possibly dangerous since she's diagnosed her with post-traumatic stress disorder. That's fair, I guess. Not that everybody that has horrible experiences winds up with PTSD. But it's a possibility, right? And what if Jamie drops her teddy bear really softly one night as she enters the room where Kate and Maggie are sleeping and Kate jumps up and knocks Jamie out with a batarang? Better safe than mentally off-balance, right?

It's more likely that Maggie suffers from PTSD so she automatically assumes Kate does too. Just like an alcoholic seeing a non-alcoholic take a few too many drinks one night and begins getting preachy and smirking knowingly and shaking there head in self-righteous judgment. Man, I hate when dad does that to me! Just because I choose to get shit-faced at the family Christmas Party and accidentally have sex with a stocking hanging from the fake fireplace, that doesn't mean I have a problem! Jerko.

Oh! Now you pull out the Batgrapple?! Couldn't have used it when you were plummeting thirty stories to the ground last issue, could you?

Meanwhile Bette Kane has been doing some research on the artwork that Brown Recluse has been stealing. She's discovered that he's only bothering with crappy paintings by some jerk named Alden Eisenstadt (which is probably an anagram for something like "Eisenstadt Alden"). What she doesn't find out is that some of the paintings were merely concealing maps to something far more valuable than the painting itself. And that's why Wolf Spider has been hired to steal them. He only needs two more: one is in Arkham and the other is in the Kane Family Estate.

Batwoman #28 Rating: No change. I'm disappointed that Batwoman never actually battled a Giant Spider. Oh! That was probably a metaphor for the battle she had with Maggie in which she conceded that she is probably crazy and should get some help. I'd explain how precise the metaphor is in its genius but I wouldn't want to seem like I was patronizing you. I can tell you understood it perfectly!

Justice League #28

How many only hopes is humanity going to have during this Forever Evil nonsense? The Metal Men! Lex Luthor! Batman! Stargirl! Warden Agatha! Probably others!

I remember Platinum of the Preboot Metal Men was always trying to fuck Superman but he never took her up on her offer. I think she would have been a good choice for a Kryptonian. Not like a human woman could survive his lovemaking. I call it lovemaking rather than sex because he was raised by Ma and Pa Kent and he probably only ever uses that one position that many people find the only acceptable position. You know the one? The one that no fucking other animal in the world uses. I guess only man fucks face to face because that's how God fucks. There might be other animals that fuck face to face but I don't know about them. Probably some fucked up weird looking marsupial or something.

I got distracted thinking about Platinum and Superman fucking! I was originally going to wonder why none of the other Metal Men flirted with anybody. At least I don't remember them doing so. I think they all had huge crushes on Platinum so they didn't even bother checking out Lois Lane's tight body. Or maybe Jimmy Olsen's, if we're talking about Tin and Mercury. Although Lead might be a bear. And Gold is a bit of a fop. Hmm. I suppose all the other Metal Men could be gay. It would make sense since Magnus designed the Responsometers and Doc Magnus himself is homosexual. I forget what comic book I read that in. I think it was Really Gay Mad Scientists Quarterly Especially Starring Doctor Will Magnus.

Victor Stone has leapt a long way to ask Doc Magnus to let his Metal Men come out and play. But Doc Magnus has grounded his Metal Men for some mysterious reason which he's going to tell Victor in a long-winded, probably sixteen to twenty page story that will keep this comic book from getting too wrapped up in the Forever Evil plot for another month.

Because they want to fuck us?

It seems Doc Magnus's main problem with the world is the unreliability of people which is why he went into robotics. That's one of my main problems with the world too! But instead of going into robotics, I went into hiding. Instead of inventing the Responsometer so that robots will follow their programming without question, I invented a look that would keep people in public from talking to me. My look works pretty well but I think Magnus's Responsometers are not going to work as he intended. He wants robots he can control, not robots that try to get Superman to show them his dick.

The Metal Men all take relatively familiar shapes and then Platinum tells Doc Magnus he looks cute. Oh yeah! She was also in love with Will, wasn't she? Kind of a creepy incest vibe going on there, hunh?

I think you're mostly good for cooking pies, Tin old buddy. I'm also surprised you weren't just updated to aluminum. Who uses tin anymore?!

Gold is arrogant and the self-proclaimed leader. Tin seems to be in love with Gold. Mercury is a wannabe rabble-rouser. Platinum is sweet and ready to do Will's bedding. Lead is a bit slow and possibly a total moron probably because lead can cause brain damage. And Iron is a macho turd. All in all, a fine team! Doc Magnus should be proud. But instead he's just annoyed because they're unreliable and annoying and not any different from humans at all.

Yep. Big dumb lummox. Although now I want to watch him fuck the soda machine. I bet she's a squirter.

Eventually the military reveals a hugely shocking shocker of a shock: they want to use the Metal Men to kill some military targets. The Metal Men aren't into killing (although I think Mercury wouldn't mind but the targets would probably have to be his choosing) so they escape. They decide to hide out in Will's apartment which he'll discover later. But first some jerko comes along and steals Will's prototype Responsometer and throws it in a vat of Hazardous Waste. That will probably become a problem in a page or two.

And it is a problem in about that many pages! The Responsometer creature looks like Chemo. So the guy that stole the Responsometer must be Doctor Ramsey Norton. Or not. Anyway, Doc Magnus realizes The Metal Men won't follow orders but that doesn't mean they're not following his programming. He sees that in dealing with the threat, they follow a series of rules. First, save whoever they can. Second, neutralize the threat. Third, have sex with humans. Fourth, deny having sex with humans. Fifth, sacrifice themselves to defeat Chemo.

I bet he constantly shoves them up his ass so now he's afraid to give them voices again.

Cyborg convinces Magnus that The Metal Men would want to be out there saving the world and sacrificing their lives instead of clanking against each other inside Will's colon. He finally agrees and is ready to give The Metal Men life again so they can fight alongside Cyborg.

Justice League #28 Rating: +3 Ranking. Lead is my favorite. The only question I have is when did Platinum have time to attend Justice League tryouts months ago just before Trinity War began?

Red Hood and the Outlaws #28

My guess as to their getaway (seeing as how it was advertised as the worst place on Earth) is Cleveland.

Having never been to Cleveland, it's probably pretty ignorant of me to declare it as the worst place on Earth. But I'm just going by the fact that they had a football team named The Cleveland Browns (and continue to have after although it's different somehow which is too bad because they were kind of exciting for a moment when they were sort of The Ravens). They named the team after the coach because nothing else about Cleveland was fit to be a public mascot. Unless they named the team the Browns because when a tourist steps into downtown Cleveland, they get an intense feeling of brownness. Also, according to Princess Wikipedia, they might have named it for some other reason that sounds like a really fishy retcon by a bunch of people that don't want to admit that they chose the most boring name for a football team ever. It seems the town first voted to name the team the Panthers but were overruled by the owner for possibly legal reasons and they just sat back and took it when the owner declared the name would be The Browns. I'm really starting to feel like my original ignorant position on Cleveland's awfulness is now rooted in reason and rationality! Even if just a teeny, tiny portion!

Don't they also have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland? That's the worst. Who goes into rock to be honored in a museum? I know all the young people in bands I ever met always stared dreamy eyed into their beers while sighing, "One day, I hope to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It's all I dream about." Every rocker that has appeared at their induction ceremony is dead to me! Every. Single. One.

I'm sure I must have some reader from Cleveland reading my words and nodding vigorously! I can't help but think I'm right about Cleveland because I thought it and my mind must have reached that conclusion for some reason!

The first page of this issue declares it is taking place in Gotham City. But that's just the first page! This might just be a story teaser! Gotham City can't be the worst place in the DC Universe! Especially this month when it's actually the best place in the DC Universe! GOTHTOPIA!

Well, I think I'll take the fantasy if the reality is such a fucking dick.

I really thought The Joker had killed Isabel but I guess I was wrong. Me? Wrong? Does that mean I might be misjudging Cleveland? No, no. Let's not get crazy! I can't begin living my life second guessing all of my ignorant assumptions!

So this guy Jonathan is one of those characters that comes along in a television show or story and is so perceptive that he can just skewer another character to the wall with their perceptiveness and instinct for a person's psychological inner turmoil. Just like how in the later seasons of House, some family member of a patient would always come along and tell Dr. House exactly what was wrong with him so that House would be dumbfounded by the truth he had been hiding from himself. Too bad Jonathan sounds like a douchey buttnugget when he makes his wildly accurate generalization. Isabel is never going to call his ass again.

When Isabel enters her apartment, she discovers some horrifying robots with Joker-like smiles painted on them. They turn out to be a means for Jason Todd to communicate with Isabel and invite her to an island in the Mediterranean called Elysium. How big of a fucking asshole is Jason Todd? After what Isabel went through with The Joker, why the fuck do you send robots that look like they have Joker faces painted on them? Fuck that shit. If I were Isabel, I'd chase down after Jonathan and bang him in the elevator immediately. He's suddenly the most charming guy in the world! Or at least more charming than the one guy Isabel really wants to fuck.

It still makes no sense that The Joker was able to find Isabel without knowing Red Hood's secret identity. I'm never going to forget all the mistakes you made, Scott Lobdell.

Twelve hours later, Isabel is on the island with Jason Todd and his friends. They're also being attacked by a bunch of armored soldiers. But the weirdest part is that Isabel is still wearing the same dress she was wearing when she went out with Jonathan. Are you kidding me? Like she wouldn't take the time to change before heading to the airport? Even if the Joker Robots told her she had only minutes to catch a plane, I don't believe she would head out in the same dress she just wore on a date with a pathetic loser. You got to change that shit up! Especially the underwear. She wasn't going to fuck Jonathan so she'd definitely have on a not a chance in hell will hanky panky be happening pair of undies. Although I guess that might be all she changed. It's not like I've been privy to any crotch shots so far.

Shouldn't Isabel's reaction be, "Who the fuck are you and why are you mashing your enormous tits against me?"

As I read about these characters interacting in a currently non-blood soaked setting, I can't help but dislike them simply because of their past Lobdellian history! I just can't get past my hatred for Roy Harper because Lobdell wrote him so fucking poorly and annoyingly for the past two years! I look at him and my gut wrenches and my anal sphincter buckles. Reading his dialogue is like trying to force sour milk down my throat! And yet I feel like this might actually be fairly enjoyable if I wasn't completely biased and my entire experience utterly tainted by Lobdell, Supreme Purveyor of Shit.

Maybe I need to do a little meditating to cleanse my mind. Chant a little "Lobdell is gone" over and over to help cleanse my psyche. Can I ever see Roy Harper without the baggage? I'm going to try. I really want to try. It's not like he's Condor, right? People used to like this guy! I mean, not when he was Speedy, of course! Hopefully he'll say something truly funny by the end of this book and I'll hear it in Roy Harper's voice instead of Old Man Lobdell's.

At first I figured Midas was overreacting and agreed with his henchman about it being a coincidence (because it is!). But Midas makes a good point about what Todd did to Suzie Su. Better to be safe than shot in the head after losing everything you've (illegally) worked for.

Midas makes a preemptive strike on Jason and his friends while they're just trying to dance. Isabel is probably going to be a bit upset by this. Intergalactic wars, insane clowns, international crime syndicates. These are the kinds of things she doesn't want in a relationship. Jonathan is looking better all the time. Unless she meets anybody else in Gotham. Then Jonathan is probably right out as well.

And so the big battle begins! ON THE DANCE FLOOR!

Poor effort, Roy. Still don't like you.

Roy defeats this one guy with a coat check receipt and probably some others with other ordinary household items. Starfire blasts some with starbolts. Red Hood cuts a few in half with his flaming swords from nowhere. And Isabel is given a Space Gun from her previous adventure and blasts a few soldiers into dust. I'm sure some great music is playing during the battle just like that time Hit Girl murdered a bunch of drug addicts while The Banana Splits Theme played. But this is a comic book, so I can't tell what it was. Here, let's let my iTunes decide. The battle took place while "Leavin's Not the Only Way To Go" from the Big River Soundtrack was playing. iTunes, you're not very good at scoring fight scenes.

Luckily Midas's soldiers are cyborgs, so Isabel is only a half-murderer once the battle ends. Midas flees to Island One where his real army is located. This was merely Island Seven! But Jason Todd isn't going to let him get away with ruining his vacation! He's going to find Midas and bring him to justice! That's a euphemism for bringing him to a state of deadness.

Isabel decides she's had enough of this bullshit even though Jason Todd makes her squishy in her lower quadrants. That's how robots write about human romance in their Human Romance Novels they enjoy reading. So Isabel heads back to Gotham to find that puke, Jonathan, and tell him that she's ready to try on his face.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #28 Rating: No change. It was decent and way better than it was when Lobdell was writing it. But it still hasn't quite made me a fan. Tynion's got a lot of work to do to make me forget the horrible acts this comic book has perpetrated on my delicate psyche.

New Guardians #28

What a romantic getaway.

Hopefully Carol Ferris does not get relegated to the role of love interest in this comic book. Why can't these two just be buddies? Last issue hinted that there was more than friendship between these two which Kyle was, thankfully, ignoring. Carol Ferris is a Star Sapphire, an emissary for love, so she should know better than to begin a romantic relationship with a coworker. Why is it whenever an ongoing series has a male and a female lead, the writers inevitably have them fall in love. I'm glad Chris Carter declared Fox Mulder and Dana Scully would never be romantically entwined when he created the show. Although that still crept in around the edges in the later seasons (the ones that don't really count) and the final movie. But that relationship was just weird anyway because they were metaphorically one brain. So getting involved with each other was more like masturbation than intercourse.

My favorite song on any of the X-Files soundtracks or pseudo-soundtracks is More Than This by The Cure. I think it's the perfect interpretation of the ephemeral romantic relationship that actually did exist between Scully and Mulder across the entire run of the show. If I were to make a musical playlist called Songs That Make Me Weep Like A Prison Bitch, Part I, that song would be right in there along with Spanish Doll by Poe and I Will by Brandi Carlisle.

This issue beings with Justin Jordan reworking either "The Lottery" or Hunger Games, whichever you'd rather compare it to, depending on how fiercely you are against Young Adult Fiction that really kind of disappoints with the final book of the trilogy versus how much you hate short stories which were basically written on the backbone of one simple, violent twist. And since one of his previous stories was a reinterpretation of "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" (which I'd never read but was pointed out to me by King Beauregard), it seems Jordan has thrown his hands up into the air and decided to embrace the idea that there are no more original thoughts (just like I did at three years old!). Of course this is just the first page, so I'll probably notice the story is like a whole bunch of other stories as I get further along. Or maybe Jordan is planning to subvert the other stories and he's relying on our knowledge of this type of story to throw us off the scent.

Fucking Maza. You failure.

Maza is carted off to be given as a sacrifice to their god, a bald, orange bastard named Marast that has somehow convinced these people that he can only continue to provide them with bountiful fall line-ups if he can pop open the occasional worshipers head in the middle of the dreary, winter seasons. But today's sacrifice doesn't go as planned. The Rock Drawing goes off without a hitch. But when little Maza the Failure steps up to have his head popped, some asshole with a spear comes rocketing into the ceremony to give Marast the God a taste of his own religion.

After this guy kills their god, he suggests that Maza and his people kill the fucking priests next.

I don't know who this guy is but he's a hero! I can't wait until he comes to Earth and then just passes it right by since our gods are all big phony non-existent nobodies. I might be jumping to conclusions here but I have a feeling this guy is going to cross paths with Kyle Rayner! And I bet Rayner doesn't take kindly to this guy going around killing gods, no matter how many people this guy is freeing from religious bondage.

Speaking of Kyle, he's currently learning that there are seven Bohemian Guardians but one of them named Quaros has run off to explore the universe on his own. Qauros's main goal is to find some really cool shit to bring to Cosmic Antiques Roadshow. The others are Palko with the steampunk goggles, Zalla the matriarch with long white and green hair, Gurion the one that likes to gamble, and the other three that aren't mentioned during this conversation. I think one of the other ones was called Yekop. I remember that because it was Pokey backwards.

The Bohemian Guardians have brought Kyle and Carol to Kalosa to observe a religious sect called The Light and The Fire as they try to convert this planet's indigenous population. They've apparently used this religion to take over several other planets, bringing peace and prosperity to those planets. Currently the rich and the poor are at war on Kalosa. Kyle and Carol try to stop a skirmish by joining in with their rings but a representative of The Light and The Fire calls a stop to the fighting and everybody listens because who wouldn't stop a battle if a barefoot bald woman in a sheet stepped into the middle of it and said, "Stop this." She totally wouldn't get shot in the face at all.

Rule #1 of Creating a Successful Religion: Tell the people they will be rewarded if they abide the hardship of their current life. I don't actually know if that is Rule #1. I'm sure there are lots of things that could be Rule #1. So this is Rule Number X of Many.

The Light and The Fire see themselves as nonviolent revolutionaries that believe in equality and fraternity and liberty. Sister Kala (the bald woman) doesn't believe in fighting but she believes in defending herself. And that's easy because she has super powers. I think she also defends people that believe in The Light and The Fire. But if you don't believe, she can't help you because you're a cynical jerk that probably needs some kind of scientific veracity to prove that Sister Kala's god exists and can provide for everyone. Although judging by the way this comic book began, I don't think Sister Kala's god is going to be around for very long.

Starfire is going to be super sad when this god dies.

The god killing hero from the beginning, Freeman, First of the Free, gets a message from one of his compatriots that they have found The Destroyer of Worlds. So Freeman tells him to gather all the Godkillers together so that they can end the Destroyer of Worlds arrogant plan to bring peace and prosperity to those that believe in her. Good show, Godkillers!

New Guardians #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. I like where this story is headed! Down with X'hal!

Birds of Prey #28

I bet Condor's name is Swan and he's still boring.

If you missed last issue, you missed a real treat! Condor was all, "Who wants me on the team?! Everybody who wants me on the team raise their hands!" And Batgirl was all, "Yeah, I guess," and she raised her hand. And Strix was all, "...," and she raised her hand. Condor was, "Okay, okay! Great! But what about you, Black Canary! You matter most of all because I love you so much I want to tell you that my dick should be inside your vagina but that might come off as too strong and creepy so I'll just keep that to myself. Do you want me as a Bird of Prey?!" And Black Canary was all, "If a train were leaving New York at sixty miles per hour and another train were leaving Chicago at eighty miles per hour and they passed by each other in different tunnels in the middle of the night in the heart of the coldest winter of the century, how many fucks would I give if you were on the team? The answer is zero. I would give zero fucks." And Condor went "Cri! Cri! Cri!" It was so funny! I hope Black Canary breaks his heart every issue! He's such a jerk!

This issue is a fantasy issue that takes place in the fantasy realm of Gothtopia so Black Canary might actually be nice to Condor. Which will be great because then he'll get his hopes up again so that she can dash them upon the rocks of brutal heartache! Black Canary is so lucky she gets to do that! As The Bible says, "Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."

Wait. That's in The Bible? That's pretty fucking cruel, right? Not that I'm agreeing or disagreeing with the sentiment in that if you've been enslaved by certain people, only you know if you'll ever be so angry you want to grab their babies by the feet and smash their tiny heads against the rocks. Because fuck the babies, right? The babies are innocent and all, sure. But can you imagine how hurt the parents of those babies will be seeing their darling children's brains exploding in halos of mist and grisly horror? So I'm not incredulous that perhaps someone in that situation might commit such an atrocity. What's amazing is that people often call The Bible a rulebook for life. So now I know when it's okay to dash baby's heads against rocks. Thanks, The Holy Bible! I bet this is just one example too. It didn't say this is the only time smashing baby's heads will make you happy. How long do you have to be in captivity to justify your actions? What if you're just stuck in a really long queue at the DMV? That's kind of like being in captivity! Or what about your McDonald's manager's new baby? Working there is practically like being enslaved? Fuck man. I'm starting to rethink this whole living life according to morality and ethics derived from empathy and sympathy with my fellow human beings! If I follow The Holy Fucking Bible, I actually have at least one legitimate reason where I can break baby heads! Fuck yes!

Owls are hunters so Strix gets to be Artemis! I would have called her Bubo.

Condor's name is not Condor and it is not Swan. It is Eagle. That is terrible. He doesn't deserve to be named after a majestic bird. His name should be Dodo because then he'd be extinct! He tells Artemis and Bluebelle how something really important is missing in his life and I can't help but snicker at his broken heart that he doesn't even know is broken right now. Oh man! Just wait until he remembers that Black Canary doesn't give a shit about him!

Speaking of Black Canary, she appears even though she refused to leave Kurt Lance's side last issue. Her name is Warbler because she's a blur when she goes to war. Or maybe it's because she makes an annoying sound with her throat. It also could be because she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Ugh, Eagle. Stop touching her all of the time! She doesn't like you!

I need to stop thinking about Condor for a second because my blood pressure monitor is beeping erratically. So earlier this week, I went to see Stand By Me at the Laurelhurst Theater here in Portland. It was nice to see it in its original format since it's one of those movies that I enjoy enough that if I catch it on television, I'll watch it even though it's one of those movies that really doesn't work when edited for television. I mention this because I just spent the last two hours watching The Bad News Bears (the original) on network television because that's another movie that I can't help but watch even when presented in a format where it just doesn't fucking work. Although I'm quite surprised that a bunch of thin-skinned mothers haven't somehow gotten legislation through that would outlaw showing the film on television. It is such a remnant of the 1970s that it fills my heart with joy and, at the same time (because I'm a complex human being), loss for being too young to truly experience the greatness of the Seventies. Buttermaker drinks and drives constantly. Kids hangout of cars without seatbelts. The kids celebrate with beers at the end. Swearing and more swearing. What a classic. It's also great to see a young Rorschach helping out his teammates. When the dickhead coach of the Yankees grabs his arm and tries to throw him out of the baseball field, I wanted him to growl out, "Even in the face of Armageddon, I shall not compromise in this." And then he'd go over and join the Bad News Bears. Or break the coach's fingers. One of those.

Okay, I'm calm now. Although I may have to watch my DVD of The Bad News Bears tomorrow. A network television viewing just isn't satisfying enough.

Since this is Gothtopia and everybody is hallucinating, maybe Warbler is actually a rabid goat! Eagle is fucking a rabid goat! What a jerk!

Movie night is interrupted by the Bat-signal for some reason. Gotham is the most crime free city in America right now, so why would Batman need The Wings of Truth? Perhaps he keeps them on call to wax his Batmobile.

The problem winds up being Batman himself. If you've read Detektif Comics #27, you'll remember that Batman remembered that Gotham was a lousy, crime-ridden hellhole and he turned on everyone. The Wings of Truth help lock him away and then they head back home to decide on which stupid Action-Romance they're going to watch.

To do what?

While Batman is incarcerated, The Wings of Truth spend their time whistling cheerful tunes and hitting the roller rink every Tuesday Night for One Dollar Rental Night. But eventually Batman escapes from Arkham with Poison Ivy and The Wings of Truth have a real job to do!

Except they only do that job for a few minutes when, in the middle of the fight, Bluebelle tells Eagle, Warbler, and Artemis that they're help isn't needed and that they should go home. So they do. I get it! Bluebelle just couldn't stand listening to Eagle fawn all over Warbler anymore. I would have sent them home as well, even if Batman was busy breaking my spine. "Go! Go! OW HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I mean, get out of here! I'm okay!"

Back at the dumpster they've been living in that they think is an apartment, The Wings of Truth eat some rat feces and nod off to sleep. Warbler is awakened by a Ra's al Ghul shooting a load of serum in her face and then offering her a deal concerning the story that Birds of Prey was trying to tell before everybody fucking started to hallucinate.

Oh. I guess Warbler isn't a rabid goat. Too bad.

Black Canary tricks Condor and Strix into leaving the city so that they're no longer influenced by Crane's drugs. I don't know why she brought Condor when he was taking so many liberties with her while they were all deluded. I don't really like Kurt Lance either but I hope Ra's al Ghul heals him so that he and Condor can constantly squabble over Black Canary's affections while looking like two huge douches. Eventually Batgirl also joins the team on Mother Eve's boat so that they can all get back to the previous story about the war between Mother Eve and Ra's al Ghul. Also, Black Canary gives up leadership of The Birds of Prey so that Batgirl can lead. That's just stupid. Just break up the fucking team! Why do The Birds of Prey even need to exist?

Birds of Prey #28 Rating: No change. I don't feel like I should count this issue against the regular book since it was mostly just fantasy with a few moments squeezed in so that Christy Marx could at least partially continue the story arc she was on when Gothtopia interrupted. I guess I don't mind the interruption though since this book has yet to find its feet after Swierczynski got it drunk behind the bleachers and had his way with it. And by "had his way with it," I mean "wrote a bunch of shitty stories with characters that kept following leads that went nowhere and forgetting why they were doing anything whenever a new plot point came along which they followed because they had no motivations of there own."

Wonder Woman #28

Last issue, The First Born was about to escape and kill Apollo, Cassandra and her Magic Bull were about to kidnap Dionysus, and Wonder Woman and Artemis were wrestling naked in the hills. Zola and Zeke were on their own in France since they wanted nothing to do with the Pig Orgy. And Wesley Willis was still on New Genesis trying to get a bomb removed from a critical part of his body. Lennox was still a mantlepiece. Hera was living the life of a depressed homemaker. And Clark Kent was wondering why he never gets to be a part of Wonder Woman's comic book.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman, Hera, Hermes, and Artemis on the hunt.

I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I'm baffled by this dialogue. Maybe I forgot I was drunk.

Anyway, Artemis catches scent of Dio as well as Zola and jumps to a seemingly logical conclusion that if they search for Dionysus (who will be easy to find because they'll just follow the trail of empty wine bottles and dismembered corpses), they'll find Zola. But by the time they find Dionysus, he might already have been kidnapped by Cassandra, leaving Zeke and Zola alone in the French wilderness. That's the worst wilderness to be alone in if you only speak English because even if somebody hears your cries for help, they'll just scoff and continue on their way. That's worse than the American version of this because you know the French person understands that you need help because they will understand English but they'll still refuse. An American who hears a foreigner calling for help in another language won't understand and will probably shoot them as a terrorist. Oh wait. That's worse. My mistake.

Although getting lost in the woods in France also means you get chased by people like this:

Again, I guess if you've seen Deliverance, you might argue that lost in an American wilderness is still worse.

I've never seen Deliverance but I think I wouldn't mind seeing a remake of it by Guillermo del Toro. Actually, I guess the above panel could easily be one of the story boards for that.

While Dio fails to stop the Bearotaur from having its way with him, Wonder Woman and the others arrive at the edge of the woods just in time to hear either a scream from a god with a Bearotaur penis in his ass or the scream of a Bearotaur with his penis in a god's ass. It's hard to tell since I don't think there's a comic book standard sound effect for either one of those. Now if I could actually hear the sound with my own ears, I'm fairly confident I could identify which it was.

Artemis finds the scream exciting and sprints into the woods followed by Wonder Woman and Hermes. Hera remains behind because she's a useless member of the team. So now she knows how Aquaman must feel hanging out with the Justice League.

Meanwhile on Olympus, Apollo is finding out that The First Born is not an easy creature to kill. He's completely warn himself out turning The First Born into a walking piece of charcoal. Now it's the charcoal's turn.

As Dio is brought aboard Cassandra's ship and Zola and Zeke slip aboard as well, the Good Guys arrive. I know the terms good and bad depend on a lot of factors and perspectives but since Wonder Woman's name is on the cover of this comic book, I'm going to go ahead and trust that she's in the right. If DC published more anti-hero comic books, I might be unsure. But 99% of their titles are either "heroes" or Batman. I sure would like more books based on super villains. That's why I hope Lois Lane gets her own title!

This was just a cool looking panel.

Before Cassandra's ship takes off with the Bearotaur and its captive (and the stowaways!), Wonder Woman makes eye contact with the Bearotaur. Is this the same creature she fought in her Zero Issue when she was thirteen? The one which she mercifully let live? I know it looked more like a bull back then but things change! The old style gives rise to modern interpretation! If this is the same beast, it will definitely wind up siding with Wonder Woman because Wonder Woman's greatest power is making friends! I don't have that power at all! I don't think I've made a new friend in well over a decade!

Now that Cassandra has Dio, she has her key to get into Olympus and collect The First Born. But I don't think he's going to want to leave because he's on the cusp of defeating Apollo and taking the throne for himself. But just before The First Born can squeeze the last of Apollo's life from his body, and just before Cassandra's ship arrives (with Wonder Woman now hanging from the bottom), Apollo detonates Olympus and blows everything sky high. Or sky low? Earth low? Space high? I don't fucking know where Olympus is located in reality.

Wonder Woman #28 Rating: No change. It feels like everything is coming close to wrapping up! Although Zeke is still just an infant and not a grown ass man that likes to rape mortals while pretending to be different creatures or inanimate objects. I suppose once The First Born is no longer a threat, Zeke will grow a big beard and reclaim the throne and make his wife a god once again. He might keep the name Zeke though. Zeke, King of the Gods, sounds about right.

Supergirl #28

Surprise! Kara becomes a Red Lantern! Who saw that coming?

At the end of last issue, Supergirl was about ready to crack Twat Lobo's nuts for the final time. But she might also have to battle Blaze too since "Doctor" Veritas doesn't believe Supergirl can defeat Twat Lobo. So "The Doctor" freed a horrible demon that didn't even stick around to help. Some demons just don't understand the importance of a contract. Perhaps they're only bound to them if they're signed in blood. I seem to remember learning about that during my years at my Satanic Elementary School.

Whatever happens, it's going to get Supergirl so angry that she'll earn the second most powerful weapon she's ever wielded! Her super cute bum is the most powerful.

From the beginning, I can tell this issue is going to be really annoying because Twat Lobo is narrating. So I'm going to have to experience his use of the phrase "sorry not sorry" way too many times. And once is too many! Anything above that is way too many. Also, if you've ever used that phrase, you probably shouldn't be reading my commentaries because I hate you. If you've used the phrase, you're a selfish douche and probably some kind of "-ist"! I don't know what kind specifically although "narcissist" is probably a pretty good bet.

"Well hello, Lobo! So nice to meet you! My name is Supergirl!"

Supergirl begins throwing Lobo through walls because that's what Kryptonians do. You piss them off, they destroy property with your face. The only problem is that The Block where "Doctor" Veritas lives is kind of like a submarine except deep beneath the earth instead of deep beneath the sea. But just like a sub, it's straining against all kinds of pressures from every direction. You punch a hole in the wrong wall or take out a load bearing support and everybody is fucked! So "Doctor" Veritas decides Supergirl and Lobo need to be teleported elsewhere. Let somebody else pay for the damage they cause.

"Doctor" Veritas is a huge dick! She's supposed to be helping Supergirl but instead she's using her to get rid of her Lobo problem. And then when that goes wrong, she's just going to abandon her. If she had the power to teleport people out of The Block, why didn't she just do it earlier with just Lobo? I hope Blaze wrecks her fucking toilet. And I don't mean cracks the porcelain. You know what I mean! Like an old woman that just had some bad seafood losing her insides in the Women's Bathroom in Sears.

So every time somebody told me I hit like a girl, that was a compliment? Because I was as strong as a Kryptonian?! Then why was I always running off in tears?

Once "Doctor" Shay teleports her destructive guests out of The Block and back to Antarctica, Twat Lobo manages to get back inside his ship. That's when he begins trying to talk Supergirl down from the rage-cliff she's on. And he actually makes some good points that might not actually be good but they're pointing out that "Doctor" Veritas is a dick, so I agree with them! Lobo leads Supergirl back to New York because he believes she won't destroy New York in her zeal to kill him. But he's wrong! He really doesn't know Kryptonians at all! Superman levels whole sections of Metropolis on a daily basis! Which is strange when you realize that at any time, Supes can usually grab up the bad guy, use his super-speed, and carry them away to an unpopulated wasteland like how he did with Jonah Hex. I think vandalism gets his dick hard.

Twat Lobo tells Kara that she shouldn't be what "Doctor" Veritas wants her to be and that she should be what Twat Lobo wants her to be: his partner!

That may have been the wrong debate tactic.

The good news so far is that Lobo has yet to be sorry not sorry!

Meanwhile a block away, Siobhan somehow doesn't notice how sexy hot her new roommate is. For some reason, they aren't totally making my sexist male fantasies come true! You know the ones. The ones where they order a pizza and leave the apartment so I can eat in peace? Instead, Siobhan hears a familiar "BOOM" and thinks, "That's the sound of my best friend in the world greeting somebody's face!" So she ditches her roommate to check on her Bestie.

Siobhan probably isn't faster than a Red Lantern Ring so she might not make it in time to tell Supergirl that they're still friends. Supergirl still believes that Siobhan abandoned her for no good reason. But that's only because Supergirl wanted to tell Siobhan that she was dying from Kryptonite poisoning (Supergirl, not Siobhan! Duh!) but Siobhan was too busy to listen. She was only trying to stop her apartment from being flooded in shit water. And it's not like Kara tried very hard to talk about it. She just thought, "Poor me. I'm going to die and my best friend doesn't care because I haven't told her yet but she really should know and since she doesn't and her apartment really fucking smells like shit, I'm just going to go out into space and die." So Siobhan doesn't even know that Supergirl is miffed at her!

As Supergirl flips the fuck out like her cousin from another Earth, the Red Lantern Ring tells her that she belongs to something. She has a family somewhere. And they're all completely insane. But at least she belongs. Seriously. If you can't trust a flying animated red ring that speaks English, who can you trust? Certainly not your old best friend that cares more about shit stains than you.

I have a feeling Siobhan is going to be dealing with more shit stains.

Supergirl #28 Rating: +3 Ranking. It was mostly just lots of fighting but most of that fighting was Twat Lobo getting his ass kicked. That's always a good thing. And Siobhan has returned and that's a good thing too. And Siobhan's roommate...holy fuck! I bet she orders good pizza!