Looks like DC mislabeled my Planetary comic.
Outsiders #1 (November 14, 2023)
By Jackson Lanzing, Collin Kelly, Robert Carey, Thomas Napolitano, and Valentina Taddeo
Cover by Roger Cruz and Adriano Lucas
Edited by Jessica Berbey and Ben Abernathy
Batman and the Outsiders was my first favorite comic book. So when my friend told me about the 2024 version of Outsiders which was actually a secret Planetary series, I was intrigued! The way he told me about it, I thought the reveal that the Outsiders were actually a new version of Planetary was some kind of mind-blowing surprise. And then I found the first issue and saw that it had three characters cosplaying Elijah Snow, Jakita (cos-cosplaying Batwoman), and The Drummer with the tagline "Unearthing the secrets of the DC Universe!", I realized it wasn't any kind of surprise at all! When I pulled this comic book out of the back-issue box, it slapped me in the face and kicked me in the balls screaming, "This is a Planetary comic book, you fucking loser!" And I was all, "Why loser?!" And it was all, "I don't know but you're buying comic books so I made an educated guess!" I don't know who the characters are cosplaying Elijah and The Drummer but I hope it's Black Lightning and Goth Halo.
The first issue even begins with an excerpt from an old, stained Planetary Guide (although it doesn't label it as such. I'm still working on the cover's big clue of 2/3 of the characters dressed like 2/3 of Planetary. And also that my friend told me the secret!). The Planetary Guide excerpts are presented alongside Kate Kane exploring the devastated country of Rhapastan (the country mentioned in the Planetary Guide as being like the most dangerous country in the world, partly thanks to American military intervention and Amanda Waller). She's not wearing her Batwoman mask although she's wearing the rest of the outfit and throwing female Batarangs at random black dudes.
The difference between a female Batarang and a Batarang is that you're only allowed one female Batarang per UK panel show.
By Jackson Lanzing, Collin Kelly, Robert Carey, Thomas Napolitano, and Valentina Taddeo
Cover by Roger Cruz and Adriano Lucas
Edited by Jessica Berbey and Ben Abernathy
Batman and the Outsiders was my first favorite comic book. So when my friend told me about the 2024 version of Outsiders which was actually a secret Planetary series, I was intrigued! The way he told me about it, I thought the reveal that the Outsiders were actually a new version of Planetary was some kind of mind-blowing surprise. And then I found the first issue and saw that it had three characters cosplaying Elijah Snow, Jakita (cos-cosplaying Batwoman), and The Drummer with the tagline "Unearthing the secrets of the DC Universe!", I realized it wasn't any kind of surprise at all! When I pulled this comic book out of the back-issue box, it slapped me in the face and kicked me in the balls screaming, "This is a Planetary comic book, you fucking loser!" And I was all, "Why loser?!" And it was all, "I don't know but you're buying comic books so I made an educated guess!" I don't know who the characters are cosplaying Elijah and The Drummer but I hope it's Black Lightning and Goth Halo.
The first issue even begins with an excerpt from an old, stained Planetary Guide (although it doesn't label it as such. I'm still working on the cover's big clue of 2/3 of the characters dressed like 2/3 of Planetary. And also that my friend told me the secret!). The Planetary Guide excerpts are presented alongside Kate Kane exploring the devastated country of Rhapastan (the country mentioned in the Planetary Guide as being like the most dangerous country in the world, partly thanks to American military intervention and Amanda Waller). She's not wearing her Batwoman mask although she's wearing the rest of the outfit and throwing female Batarangs at random black dudes.
The difference between a female Batarang and a Batarang is that you're only allowed one female Batarang per UK panel show.
The random Black dude is Luke Fox who, hopefully, finally found his dignity and dropped the whole stupid fucking Batwing shit.
I only knew Batwing from The New 52 so forgive me if Batwing actually had some kind of interesting arc previously which I've never explored. All I know is that he named himself after one of Batman's vehicles and decided to wear a derivative Bat-outfit that made him look fat. Did he come out of Batman, Inc.? I could do my own research but that would mean I've stopped living in a world where I never have to think about Batwing again. Although just by reading this, I'm coming precariously close to having to think about Batwing.
I know it seems like I just spent a paragraph thinking about Batwing but I assure you that was all just rote typing skills that involved very little brain activity.
Luke Fox seems to think Kate Kane is on a self-harm kick, possibly looking to suicide by A.R.G.U.S. What's up with Kate Kane? Every Batwoman story I've ever read just plays up how tragic her life is. Are people projecting their lesbian woes onto her? Are they all thinking, "If my dad were the literal embodiment of the Patriarchy and I were into diving muff, I'd be miserable too!" I think Kate Kane has the greatest life of any hero out there! Her sexy hot sister constantly trying to kill her? So good because it allows me to constantly see her sexy hot sister. And she often battles paranormal and supernatural antagonists which allows me to keep dreaming that her ultimate nemesis will someday be revealed to be a thicc, naked humanoid Chupacabra lady!
Luke Fox realizes that Kate Kane is fed up with Batman's idea of justice which is capturing the same villains over and over while doing massive amounts of property damage around Gotham which Wayne Enterprises profits from rebuilding. Luke agrees and he's sought out Kate to offer her a job as a research assistant.
I know it seems like I just spent a paragraph thinking about Batwing but I assure you that was all just rote typing skills that involved very little brain activity.
Luke Fox seems to think Kate Kane is on a self-harm kick, possibly looking to suicide by A.R.G.U.S. What's up with Kate Kane? Every Batwoman story I've ever read just plays up how tragic her life is. Are people projecting their lesbian woes onto her? Are they all thinking, "If my dad were the literal embodiment of the Patriarchy and I were into diving muff, I'd be miserable too!" I think Kate Kane has the greatest life of any hero out there! Her sexy hot sister constantly trying to kill her? So good because it allows me to constantly see her sexy hot sister. And she often battles paranormal and supernatural antagonists which allows me to keep dreaming that her ultimate nemesis will someday be revealed to be a thicc, naked humanoid Chupacabra lady!
Luke Fox realizes that Kate Kane is fed up with Batman's idea of justice which is capturing the same villains over and over while doing massive amounts of property damage around Gotham which Wayne Enterprises profits from rebuilding. Luke agrees and he's sought out Kate to offer her a job as a research assistant.
Isn't cataloguing things "well beyond existence" just writing out a list of imaginary bullshit?
Maybe if Luke Fox had said they were researching and cataloguing things beyond what we know exists, I wouldn't be acting like such a petty bitch questioning the semantics of the way he phrased his pitch. But if he's cataloguing things well beyond existence, his list might as well be made up of things like "cotton candy made from unicorn semen" and "diarrhea hurricanes." Hmm, I'm not actually sure if those things exist and yet I'm not willing to search for them on the Internet either. I guess I'll have to be comfortable not knowing! Although I suspect there is cotton candy made from unicorn semen because there's definitely Magic Shell made from unicorn jizz.
It's delicious!
You know how you have to shake Magic Shell like you're auditioning for a Shake Weight commercial? I do that with the Unicorn Jizz flavor and loudly announce I'm jerking off the unicorn. Every time. I'm so crazy!
Kate Kane takes the job on the condition that it has nothing to do with Batman. Luke Fox is all, "Um, uh, yeah, sure! Exactly like I planned!" Then he cuts up the Batcredit card and cries for ten pages.
Immediately after saying this isn't a Batman thing, Luke Fox is all, "We're Outsiders!", which isn't all that reassuring to Kate. But I guess Batman was never an Outsider or else why would the comic book have been called Batman and the Outsiders? The only real history the Outsiders have with Batman is leaving his stick-up-the-ass ass! Which means taking the name Outsiders is actually triple-double reassuring to Kate! Sometimes I have to think through something I've read ten or twelve times before I figure out how I want to feel about it. That's probably better than most Americans since most Americans need to have somebody else think about something exactly zero times before telling them how they should feel about it. We're not a smart country!
Kate boards what I'm assuming isn't a Batwing and they fly to Antarctica to meet the Fourth Man. Yes, Luke calls Drummer the Fourth Man. You might be thinking that either I or Luke Fox can't count but that's because I left out the part where Lucius Fox calls in via Holly-vision to reveal that all the money is coming out of his account which he makes working at Wayne Tech which absolutely has nothing to do with Batman at all.
Kate Kane takes the job on the condition that it has nothing to do with Batman. Luke Fox is all, "Um, uh, yeah, sure! Exactly like I planned!" Then he cuts up the Batcredit card and cries for ten pages.
Immediately after saying this isn't a Batman thing, Luke Fox is all, "We're Outsiders!", which isn't all that reassuring to Kate. But I guess Batman was never an Outsider or else why would the comic book have been called Batman and the Outsiders? The only real history the Outsiders have with Batman is leaving his stick-up-the-ass ass! Which means taking the name Outsiders is actually triple-double reassuring to Kate! Sometimes I have to think through something I've read ten or twelve times before I figure out how I want to feel about it. That's probably better than most Americans since most Americans need to have somebody else think about something exactly zero times before telling them how they should feel about it. We're not a smart country!
Kate boards what I'm assuming isn't a Batwing and they fly to Antarctica to meet the Fourth Man. Yes, Luke calls Drummer the Fourth Man. You might be thinking that either I or Luke Fox can't count but that's because I left out the part where Lucius Fox calls in via Holly-vision to reveal that all the money is coming out of his account which he makes working at Wayne Tech which absolutely has nothing to do with Batman at all.
Drummer is the kind of woman I'd meet at a punk club and irritate her until she kicks my ass just so I can be touched by her.
Speaking of the kind of women I fall head over heels for, I had an odd experience just a few nights ago. I was watching Until Dawn and I was all, "I would murder all the puppies for you, Nina." At one point, Nina was walking toward the camera or something and I was all, "Man, I think I'm in love!" So then I waited until the credits to see who the actor was and her name was Odessa A'zion. When I was in high school, my huge crush that completely cockblocked me into seeing all the girls who actually were interested in me because I was so totally in love with her was named Odessa. So is that a thing?! Do names somehow influence our feelings towards people? Even when I didn't know that her name was Odessa while watching the movie?!
One more thing about the girls I had crushes on in junior high and high school. So I already mentioned Odessa. In junior high, my totally bonkers, out-of-my-mind crush was named Marilyn. Now I live off of Hawthorne in Portland and two of the fairly new (within the last ten years or something) upscale apartment complexes that have risen up between my place and my local comic book store are named The Odessa and The Marilyn. Come on! This is all so on-the-nose that you'd expect everything to be some kind of simulation but it's so fucking on-the-nose that nobody would program that much obviousness into the simulation which is proof that it's all random chaos and we simply see what we choose to see as we flounder about in it.
Kate Kane gets a briefing on the situation in Antarctica and the situation on Drummer which I'll let you read for yourself. Not because I don't want to make dumb jokes while explicating it but because I want you to see how fucking cute Kate looks in her Batwoman Snow Gear.
One more thing about the girls I had crushes on in junior high and high school. So I already mentioned Odessa. In junior high, my totally bonkers, out-of-my-mind crush was named Marilyn. Now I live off of Hawthorne in Portland and two of the fairly new (within the last ten years or something) upscale apartment complexes that have risen up between my place and my local comic book store are named The Odessa and The Marilyn. Come on! This is all so on-the-nose that you'd expect everything to be some kind of simulation but it's so fucking on-the-nose that nobody would program that much obviousness into the simulation which is proof that it's all random chaos and we simply see what we choose to see as we flounder about in it.
Kate Kane gets a briefing on the situation in Antarctica and the situation on Drummer which I'll let you read for yourself. Not because I don't want to make dumb jokes while explicating it but because I want you to see how fucking cute Kate looks in her Batwoman Snow Gear.
Is there a kind of old person cancer that makes you start falling in love with everybody? Because I think I might be dying.
It's a good thing I'm so taken with Kate's outfit so I don't complain about how Robert Carey apparently can't draw older women so he just makes Drummer look like a filthy lich and/or Mick Mars.
Oh! I should probably finish Drummer's thought since it takes place on an unnecessary splash page when you flip to the next page. She says all of that stuff they just went over gave them just two paltry bits of information: the object is fifty miles long and about to explode. Seems like a waste of a psychic.
Planetary, I mean Outsiders head inside the thing which seems unsafe being that every other person on their payroll who have ventured into the 50 mile long bomb have never come out again. It would seem like "I wear a costume and have a goofy name" shouldn't be absolute proof that you can survive walking into a possible Zone of Pure Annihilation but then I shouldn't complain because who needs four issues of Batwing and Batwoman tossing stuff into the alien vessel and seeing what happens.
This Drummer is way more hands on and capable than Planetary's Drummer who's really just a big coward who fucks TiVos. She uses her drumsticks to blow shit up so they can get past the defenses and into the heart of the vessel. Which nobody who has noticed all of the Planetary shit needs to be told what it is.
Oh! I should probably finish Drummer's thought since it takes place on an unnecessary splash page when you flip to the next page. She says all of that stuff they just went over gave them just two paltry bits of information: the object is fifty miles long and about to explode. Seems like a waste of a psychic.
Planetary, I mean Outsiders head inside the thing which seems unsafe being that every other person on their payroll who have ventured into the 50 mile long bomb have never come out again. It would seem like "I wear a costume and have a goofy name" shouldn't be absolute proof that you can survive walking into a possible Zone of Pure Annihilation but then I shouldn't complain because who needs four issues of Batwing and Batwoman tossing stuff into the alien vessel and seeing what happens.
This Drummer is way more hands on and capable than Planetary's Drummer who's really just a big coward who fucks TiVos. She uses her drumsticks to blow shit up so they can get past the defenses and into the heart of the vessel. Which nobody who has noticed all of the Planetary shit needs to be told what it is.
Of course it still needs to be said. Some people bought this book because it was called Outsiders so you have to assume they don't all know this is actually Planetary.
Batwoman and Batwing head off to check out the reactor while Drummer tours a bank of skeletons in display cases titled "Century Babies". Two of the five are labeled "Jenny Sparks" and "Axel Brass". I can't manage to read the other three signs. One might say "HARK". Now I'll probably turn the page and there will be close-ups of all the names, right?
It turns out the Carrier is just sad that all of its people are dead and it can't find its way back to the multiversal snowflake. It's stuck in the DC Universe and it's really fucking depressed about it. Batwing is all, "I know what that's like! Nobody fucking gives a shit about me either! Maybe we can find home together!" And Drummer smiles like she's found a guy she wants to fuck. And Batwoman looks over her shoulder to make sure Beth isn't about to murder her again. And then 18 hours later, we get the epilogue to the first issue.
Oh, also they saved all of their employees who The Carrier was just hugging really hard and refusing to let go. Plus that Planetary Guide shows its cover in the final panel. Drummer has a copy of it and she's poking around The Carrier and keeping secrets. She's probably Martian Manhunter, right?!
The Ranking!
It's a pretty interesting idea that I guess came about because DC wanted Planetary in their Universe but they didn't want all of the Wildstorm characters to go along with it? I really don't know anything about what was happening at DC around the time this was published. I'll probably hunt down the other issues just to see where it all goes.
It turns out the Carrier is just sad that all of its people are dead and it can't find its way back to the multiversal snowflake. It's stuck in the DC Universe and it's really fucking depressed about it. Batwing is all, "I know what that's like! Nobody fucking gives a shit about me either! Maybe we can find home together!" And Drummer smiles like she's found a guy she wants to fuck. And Batwoman looks over her shoulder to make sure Beth isn't about to murder her again. And then 18 hours later, we get the epilogue to the first issue.
Oh, also they saved all of their employees who The Carrier was just hugging really hard and refusing to let go. Plus that Planetary Guide shows its cover in the final panel. Drummer has a copy of it and she's poking around The Carrier and keeping secrets. She's probably Martian Manhunter, right?!
The Ranking!
It's a pretty interesting idea that I guess came about because DC wanted Planetary in their Universe but they didn't want all of the Wildstorm characters to go along with it? I really don't know anything about what was happening at DC around the time this was published. I'll probably hunt down the other issues just to see where it all goes.
THE NEW DC: YOUR DREAMS ARE OUR TOILET
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