Team 7 #6

Was it so long ago I would have cheered this cover? Alas, poor Grifter. You sucked.

Last issue had the Deathstroke of the present working with the Lynch of the present who is supposed to be dead and who Deathstroke was just about to begin hunting at the end of Deathstroke #18. So I guess he found him at the beginning of Team 7 #5! Apparently Deathstork Deathstroke needs to kill some creature called Spartan to save the world. Or something. It's much harder to remember exactly what was happening when I don't really care about the characters in the comic book.

The issue begins in the past when Team 7 first encountered Spartan. The cyborg had taken over the facility it was created in. Since Caitlin Fairchild was apprenticing in the Cyborg Department of the Advanced Prosthetic Research Center, that meant she was trapped inside with the creature. And according to future Lynch, she winds up dead! And then probably cloned 13 times by her grief-stricken father.

Maybe. I might be getting ahead of myself.

As they're landing, Ramos the pilot develops a sudden and severe bowel problem.

It's possible I meant severed bowel problem.

I guess that's one member of Team 7 down! I don't think Ramos was important anyway. But since I don't know anything about the Wildstorm Universe unless it was written by Warren Ellis, I could be wrong. Perhaps she'll be okay later thanks to Project Majestic. Or maybe her body will be carted off to Project Ascension.

Apparently Ramos wasn't important because Waller declares her dead. Although! Waller is known for lying! So maybe Ramos IS important! Oh I'm so confused! At least Deathstroke predicts more of his team will be killed on this mission. That's a comforting thought. Although I don't think anybody else is expendable. Higgins might be Midnighter. Fairchild has to clone Caitlin. Deathstroke has his own title. Cole Cash used to have his own title. Amanda Waller runs the Suicide Squad. Dinah Lance is Black Canary. And Kurt Lance can't die until he has an affair with Amanda Waller and gets his penis butter in her chocolate eggs. So I don't think anybody else is allowed to be killed. Well, that blows all the tension!

Team 7 survives the crash because Ramos was the best pilot in the DC Universe! But when they exit the craft, they're set upon by a bunch of cyborgs chanting, "Caitlin, help me!" Team 7 executes Plan It's The Only Plan We Have and begins shooting everything that moves.

Eventually they encounter Caitlin and Alex runs in to hug her. Godammit! Hugging is not a part of Plan It's The Only Plan We Have! Shoot her! You were supposed to shoot her! Oh well. Now you're going to pay the price.

Okay. I guess I don't know my Gen 13 history very well! Two down!

It's okay! She doesn't kill any more of them because Deathstroke blows her head off. But she wasn't the Level Boss, so they have to keep shooting things.

Team 7 meets Dr. Henshaw who somehow kept his mind when Spartan assimilated all of the other workers at the facility. Although his body is a bit fucked up, being composed of office chairs and toilets and Commodore 64s. If he survives, I don't know how he's going to integrate back into society. Perhaps he can get a job at the Post Office.

Meanwhile, Bronson wasn't allowed to come on this mission because he didn't answer the phone when Waller called to tell him he needed to go on this mission. But Bronson was the one The Spartan really wanted to assimilate, so it left the research facility to attack Bronson while he's having dinner with his family.

Dinner with the uninvited guest doesn't go so well.

The Spartan transfers its "core" to Bronson, possessing him and activating his meta-gene. He turns into some flying superguy with blazing electric eyes. He's probably a Wildstorm guy, so somebody else can tell me who he became. Wildstorm's version of Superman? The one that isn't Apollo, I mean.

Team 7 #6 Rating: No change. This was a quick read but it was better than the last couple of issues. I guess I simply enjoyed seeing a good portion of the team killed. But what about Caitlin Fairchild? What's going to happen there? I guess clones! Maybe she was the person inside Clone Tube #1 with Superboy? I doubt it though. I think the first clone was a failure, got tossed in the Dumpster out back, and crawled off to live a life of super villainy.

Doctor Psycho! (as seen in Superboy #18)

Part 18 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Full Name: Unrevealed
Occupation: Psionic Researcher
Marital Status: Widower
Known Relatives: Marva (wife, deceased)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Washington, D.C.
First Appearance: (Golden Age version) WONDER WOMAN #5 (modern version) WONDER WOMAN #289 [(Reboot version) SUPERBOY #18]
Height: 3'9" (as Captain Wonder: 6'1" [Oh really? He can turn into a big ass super hunk?])
Weight: 84 lbs. (as Captain Wonder: 187 lbs.)
Eyes: Blue (as Captain Wonder: Blue)
Hair: Black (as Captain Wonder: Blond)

HISTORY
"As a schoolboy, Doctor Psycho was laughed at by his classmates [Probably due to his name.] because of his diminutive stature and unusually large head [I'm sure the name didn't help.]. Psycho especially took offense to being laughed at by girls [Well sure! Because you can't punch them in the nose when they mock you! At least guys laughing know they're risking a bloodied lip! Damn girls and their free-wheeling attitude toward insulting short losers with horrible names.]. Throughout his subsequent life, Psycho felt both desire for beautiful women and a psychotic hatred of all women [Wait. That's not the norm? Hmm. I wonder how cheaply I can get a psychiatrist?].

Psycho went to medical school and began research into psionics [Where did he go to medical school? Mars?]. He fell in love with a young woman named Marva [The Martian!], who regarded him merely as a friend [What did you expect? You don't bring home a potential husband with the name of Psycho!]. Psycho decided to hypnotize Marva into loving him [Seems like a reasonable plan. Look, you don't become friends with a guy named Psycho studying to get his psionics degree and not expect to hypnotized once or twice! I'm pretty sure this was the Golden Age version where victims were constantly asking for it and no seldom meant no and occasionally meant hypnotize me so that I'll sleep in a twin bed about two feet away from your twin bed.]. He then discovered that he could use Marva as a medium through which he could draw ectoplasm [Okay. This got really weird really quickly.], the substance found in the spirit world, and materialize it on Earth in whatever form he willed [I'm more disturbed for Marva that Psycho was using her as an ectoplasm pump than I was when he was raping her with his hypnotism. I should probably really get on that search for a therapist.]. Psycho used the ectoplasm to materialize a handsome body around himself, and married Marva [Is that a better deception than hypnosis? Or is this still wrong?]. However, he could not maintain [an erection?] his handsome form when Marva was either absent or free from his hypnotic influence, and for that reason, Psycho came to resent her [Yeah. What a bitch! How dare she break free from his controlling influence and live her life on her own terms when it means he can't be handsome!]. Marva was finally hit by a car and died [I like how the finally statement says it all: she was finally allowed some peace from this little monster. That "finally" is like a sigh of relief], and it has been implied that Psycho was responsible.

Doctor Psycho eventually discovered that he could use Colonel Steve Trevor as a medium [So he's actually Doctor Bipsychosexual?]. Having captured Trevor, Psycho used a machine called an ectoplasmotron to draw ectoplasm from Trevor's mind in the form of Trevor's idealized, super-powered fantasy image of himself [Aha! Doctor Psycho was able to use Trevor as a medium because of Trevor's loser status in Wonder Woman's eyes!]. Inhabiting this ectoplasmic form, Doctor Psycho battled Wonder Woman (see Wonder Woman II) under the name of Captain Wonder. As Captain Wonder, Psycho fell in love with the Silver Swan, an ugly young woman whom he vindictive god Mars had transformed into a super-powered beauty (see Mars, Silver Swan). Both Captain Wonder and the Silver Swan eventually reverted to their original forms.

Recently, Doctor Psycho obtained a machine called an ectoplasmic extractor from the Monitor (see Monitor), which allows him to draw ectoplasm into this world without the need of a human medium [Thanks a lot, Monitor! I guess less people will be psionically raped by this guy. But who needs a world full of ectoplasmic goo?].

The original Doctor Psycho fought the Golden Age Wonder Woman (see Wonder Woman I) in the 1940s. He too bore an insane hatred for women [Come on! Do you have to categorize "hatred for women" as "insane"? So biased.] and used a medium named Marva to draw ectoplasm into this world."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Doctor Psycho's only super-power is his psionic ability to shape ectoplasm according to his wishes [I can see why this was changed in the Reboot since ectoplasm isn't the super fascinating believable thing it was back when Doctor Psycho first appeared.]. Originally he could only do so while in hypnotic control of a human medium whom he used to draw the ectoplasm to Earth. However, he now uses an ectoplasmic extractor device to give him the ectoplasm he needs. He can maintain the form he gives the ectoplasm for as long as he remains conscious.

Psycho often has used ectoplasm to give himself the form of Captain Wonder, who possesses super-strength greater than Wonder Woman's and the ability to fly [How? Why? Come on! I need some scientifically accurate ectoplasm!]"

Superboy #18

Driven insane by his new toupee?

I was pretty excited when I heard Tom DeFalco was off Superboy. But I knew in my heart of hearts that Scott Lobdell would be taking control of this comic book once again. Why can't they just reprint Jeff Lemire's Superboy run from before the Reboot? It would probably have less problems with continuity! But since that isn't going to happen, I guess it's time to find out if Superboy's DNA completely unravels or not.

Unless that was somehow solved with H'el getting sent back in time?

As I open to the first page and read, "My name is Superboy. I'm a clone created by an organization called N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and designed to be a living weapon," I know Tom DeFalco has not yet completely left this title. And then I see the credits which show the Plot was by Tott Dedell!

Does Tott Dedell get two paychecks for Superboy #18? Will this comic be twice as crappy as usual? Will Tony Lee get a chance to write any speech bubbles with all the fucking Narration Boxing going on?

To be fair to Supeboy, he really is still an infant. He shouldn't have any real idea of causality at this point in his life. He should know his wants and desires and a pressing need to have those wants and desires filled. He should be mostly crying, throwing tantrums, and pooping himself right now.

Although I don't know if I should fault Superboy or Tott Dedell with "the money's just sitting around doing nothing" seeming like a decent justification for stealing a vault full of money. I do know that I can blame Tott Dedell for the stupid "a few thousand dollars" and "by 'a few' I mean 'a lot'" line! That can be a clever way of saying something. And by "clever", I mean "not clever at all". See how funny that is when you don't put any effort into it? And by "funny" I mean "not funny". Also, if you go back and edit his statement so it reads the way he means it to read, then he says, "The money's short a lot thousand dollars." How has he had time to spend so much of it? I guess Bunker is an expensive date.

The best part about this page is that Superboy is going to turn himself in for bank robbery. I hope there's mandatory jail time for the minimum sentence!

As Superboy sits on top of the returned money in the vault that I guess he used his superpowers to sneak into (and by "superpowers" I mean "bad writing"), Plasmus breaks in because he's justified that the money was just sitting around doing nothing. Plasmus's first evil act is to tell Superboy his real identity. I guess it doesn't really matter if you're stuck forever in a super hot fire dripping mass of goo. Plasmus's second evil act is to tell Superboy what he plans to do with all of his loot.

I think his plan boils down to "It takes money to make money!"

The next page makes me wish every single bit of the story was annotated so I knew whose mother's vagina to blame! The first panel is a well constructed argument on why Super Hero Dialogue must be written poorly.

Forget that you're a writer who has many hours in the day to think up good lines for your super heroes! Much easier to think up a really fucking stupid line and then justify its existence. Because it would take too long to come up with a good Plasmus punching line. But Superboy has all the time in the world to think about how unfunny he is and to drag poor Louis C.K.'s name into this mess.

The last panel isn't any better.

Technically you didn't make a joke. You THOUGHT you made a joke. And by "joke" I mean "racist comment".

Why doesn't Superboy say the Schwarzenegger accent line? Why is that just in a Narration Box? This is why I can't fucking stand the things. These writers don't even have a handle on the fucking medium they're working in. Why would he simply think that when it's a direct response to Plasmus? And I'm being charitable when I said "think" since Narration Boxes take place in a really fuzzy place in space/time. Did Superboy choose to merely think it because even he knew it was poor form to mock Plasmus's accent? Kind of the low hanging fruit of insults when you realize he has an accent because he's taken the time to learn a second fucking language. I guess Superboy could have insulted Plasmus's looks. I think I would have been okay with that.

Meanwhile Dr. Psycho is busy stealing identities while pretending to be a palm reader named Dr. Psychico. That's kind of humorous and by "humorous" I mean "full of or characterized by humor." I like that name. It sounds like a psychic Mexican boy. I was ready to give Dr. Psycho credit for being clever but apparently it's just the rich woman he's fleecing as she gets his name wrong. This is Dr. Psycho's life hiding from H.I.V.E. (the Helpful, Itinerant Villain Enclave. And by "Helpful, Itinerant Villain Enclave" I mean "the Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination"). I guess H.I.V.E. feels he needs to be exterminated or vengeanced. Just the mention of H.I.V.E. fills me with dread because it probably means yet another future Superboy story tied directly to The Teen Titans and The Ravagers and even Deathstroke. Except two of those have been cancelled (I think!) so maybe it means the Ravagers and Deathstroke will end up hanging out with Superboy each month.

More probably it just means Dr. Psycho will see Plasmus fighting Superboy and believe it's all about him. Or he just thinks aliens fighting in midtown is a good opportunity for him to scavenge alien technology. So he runs against the fleeing crowds to try and get a better glimpse of the action.

At this point, even the letterer doesn't care about this fucking comic book. Maybe Dr. Psycho is using his psychic powers to make the other guy speak his lines?

Dr. Psycho witnesses Superboy "somehow" using his "telekinesis" to turn "objects into weapons." Isn't the basic telekinetic attack to use objects as weapons? I've seen the fight at the end of The Empire Strikes Back! That's Introduction to Telekinesis 101! And by "Introduction to Telekinesis 101" I mean "an old joke I've used before."

Long story short (and by "long story" I mean "Dr. Psycho"), Dr. Psycho wants Superboy's power! And he's just the guy to steal it! I guess. I'll have to read up on Dr. Psycho in my Who's Who later. I think he was a Wonder Woman villain.

Dr. Psycho inadvertently travels astrally. I hate when that happens! He's sucked into the back of Superboy's head and begins experiencing Superboy's past memories. I hope we learn something really juicy! He doesn't learn anything except that Superboy feels cut off from everybody else. Fuck. Who doesn't? Welcome to the Dollhouse, Superboy!

It doesn't take long for Dr. Psycho to get knocked out of Superboy's brain and back into his own body. But he hates his own body! It's so tiny and weak and small penisy. So he astrally dives back into Superboy and ends up in his lungs where a tiny version of Lex Luthor has been waiting for Superboy to arrive.

Why would Superboy arrive in his own lungs?

But wait! There's more! Since Tott Dedell could only fill sixteen pages with their Superboy story, they had to make up another story to fill out the issue. It begins with a crashed alien woman spouting the usual Tott Dedell nonsense about how if she fails, Earth will die. Isn't that always the case? Is that the only way Tott Dedell can build any kind of tension in his story? I'm surprised she didn't say that if she fails, the OMNIVERSE WILL DIE!

The woman sends out a distress signal on a wave that nobody on Earth can hear in the language of Interlac that nobody on Earth can speak because it isn't the 30th Century. I think Interlac has existed for a very long time, actually, but nobody on Earth knows it yet except maybe Superman since he's good friends with time traveling kids. But there is someone on Earth that can hear the communication and can quite probably understand Interlac because he's good friends with Superman!

Yay! This gives me hope for a Bat Pet back-up feature!

I have to give Scott Lobdell credit for doing a Super Pet story in The New 52, no matter how gritty he decided to make it look. I don't want modern comics to be as goofy and carefree of continuity as some of the wacky Golden and Silver Age stuff. But I still want there to be a place for ideas like Super Pets and other whimsical tales. This was only a very short scene, not really a story at all. But that's because the twenty page books are not supposed to have back-up stories! Twenty pages is already well shy of what's needed for a well-paced story. Cutting it down to sixteen is ridiculous and telling a story in four pages is just plain silly. But I liked the Krypto scene! Much better than the rest of the book. And by "much better" I mean "I'm biased toward Super Pet stories!"

Superboy #18 Rating: No change. Another issue that was decent enough but could have been told better. I think having two writers plotting and one doing dialogue doesn't help the flow of the comic. And I still maintain that most writers themselves don't really know how to narrate modern comic books anymore because of the overuse of the omniscient main character voice used in the narration.

Deathstroke #18

I wish Deathstroke would pull out the glue and fix his title already.

Last issue of Deathstroke ended with Tomo, the guy that wanted to kill Deathstroke, killing Tomo's father, the guy that had no clue what was going on. I believe Tomo was trying to get Deathstroke to kill Tomo's father for him but his plan was stupid from the beginning. I was going to call it something else but I lost the word before I could type it. And since my vocabulary is chock full of synonyms, I decided to go with "stupid". That doesn't cover what I wanted to say but I'll go crazy trying to pull out the word I wanted at this point. The problem is before I could type the word I wanted, I thought about maybe using "hackneyed" except that wasn't even close to what I wanted to describe. But "hackneyed" did manage to drive the other word straight out of my brain and into the aether. Fuck you, getting old!

I've actually had that problem my whole life though. I'm really bad at remembering names and often give up immediately and just say something like, "Remember when we went to dinner with what's-her-name?" But other words I lose all the time. I know the word I want but I can't bring it forth. Often I can find it via Google because I can see it partially, so I can drop one letter at a time in the search bar and sometimes the word pops up. I did that with consummate a few commentaries ago. Knew that's the word I wanted. Could define it in my head and I could hear it starting but couldn't pull the rest of it out. Other times I can get to the word by circumlocution. As I use other words to define and explain the word I'm looking for, I'll eventually spiral down to the word I want and it pops up as if I had never lost it.

Maybe I have brain damage! I wonder if I can blame my sister for all the times she hit me in the head?

Oh! The word I wanted was convoluted. I wonder if I have a problem with "con" words?! No, I wanted to say "attrition" one time while walking back from a coffee shop with my girlfriend but couldn't access it. Although at the time, I thought I wanted a "con" word! Sometimes my brain tricks me because it is stupid.

Anyway, Tomo's plan failed and he ended up having to kill his own father while Deathstroke watched. I mentioned how many stories in Deathstroke deal with father issues and this issue begins with Deathstroke making a similar observation.

Actually, you should be sorry for stabbing him through the chest.

Tomo continues spouting his new age Japanese business philosophy that is actually very old school: killing, killing, and more killing! While he's lecturing anybody that still has at least one ear, Tomo's father is completing his final transaction.

That old man just wasted a dollar.

I'm pretty sure Deathstroke wouldn't have been too offended to kill Tomo for free at this point. But since the old man was Japanese, he had to save face all around and offer Deathstroke the dollar. Otherwise Deathstroke would have been offended and everybody would have been embarrassed and more bowing and apologizing than killing would take place. And nobody buys a Deathstroke comic book to see a bunch of embarrassed Japanese ninjas shame-faced and sorry.

Deathstroke shoots Tomo. It doesn't hurt him though because Tomo upgraded himself. He tears off his shirt in a very sexy and dramatic scene to show off his huge implants. They're actually pretty disgusting. So now Deathstroke has to kill a cybernetic ninja and 9,999 normal ninjas. And all for just one buck!

Now I guess the rest of the comic book will be a gigantic ninja battle!

Who is Stroger? I think Deathstroke may have already fried a few of Tomo's memory capacitors.

Deathstroke reminds the 9,999 ninjas (or however many are left) that Jenner Collins' will stipulated that the person that killed him be killed by their clan. 9,999 ninjas go, "Oh yeah! Duh!", and one of them says, "Jinx!", and then they all attack Tomo instead of Deathstroke. Honor is a sucker's game!

Oh wait! Deathstroke has something to say about Honor as he fights Tomo on the side of a skyscraper!

Why is there a "but" in there? Those all sound like problems with honor! Like I said: a sucker's game!

Deathstroke plummets to the ground with Tomo. He survives by landing on Tomo and then doing a stuntman roll. His healing powers and extra strength probably help him survive as well. But before Tomo dies, he whispers, "Lynch lied." And since Lynch is Captain Sideburns, the leader of Team 7 who is supposedly dead at this point in time, Deathstroke decides he's probably earned a free, non-offensive kill. Besides, you can't kill a man that's already dead! So it can't be offensive to not kill him for free, right?

Deathstroke #18 Rating: No change. This issue was like a bite-sized snack if the snack didn't taste like anything and cost $2.99.

Suicide Squad #18

Instead of the letters in the title representing a gun and a target, they should represent dead people coming back to life.

I just finished rereading Giffen's 12 issue run from around 2001-2002. I remember really enjoying it back when it came back and on rereading it, I liked it even better. Just about every character probably says "What's that supposed to mean?" or "Meaning what?" a fair number of times past too often, but the dialogue was still fun. I liked the set-up in that there were really four stories being explored throughout the series. There was the Suicide Squad field team, the Suicide Squad Operations team, Amanda Waller and her daughter, Havana, and lastly Frank Rock and Bulldozer and the mystery of why they were still alive and, ultimately, who they really were. My guess is Rock was actually The Unknown Soldier but no idea about Bulldozer. Perhaps it actually was him getting younger and Amanda's statement at the end of the series that Rock and Bulldozer died in 1945 was simply because every member of the Squad Ops Team constantly gets a new identity while the old identity is killed. Anyway, it worked and it was a nice take on the Squad and people died a lot and stayed dead. Well, they stayed dead in the pages of the Suicide Squad, anyway. I also really liked the art but then I've always been a big fan of exaggerated features and animation style. As long as exaggerated features are consistent and you can tell the artist can draw! I'm not talking about accidentally exaggerated features that don't match up from panel to panel ala Rob Liefeld.

Next dip into the Suicide Squad's past will be to read my favorite comic book series of all time after Shade the Changing Man, Ostrander's run on the book. That should set me up to read Gail Simone's Secret Six since I only just recently realized that Ostrander writes some of those issues and also comes through with Suicide Squad #67 many years later! Can't wait for that! But until then, I've got Adam Glass's superficial Resurrection Squad which I am enjoying for what it is. Unless I'm only really enjoying blogging about it. At this point, I can't see nor do I care about the difference!

Back to the current Squad, Regulus had just returned from the grave surprising nobody. For some reason he's hanging out with Red Orchid. I suppose that's the reason the Squad has been assigned to kill Red Orchid. Or it could be that the package really is Mitch Shelley which is why Regulus and Amanda are after him. They're both apparently in the resurrection business (Regulus could be in the cloning business!), so they'd want the guy that could really kick up their profit margin. Even though Amanda already has one of his hands. I bet having his brain would be much better.

Okay, I admit it. Lawton missing his mustache is pretty annoying. Not enough of a reason to tear your hair out about about The New 52! And not as stupid as making Amanda skinny and extremely competent in combat. And not as big a deal as changing Harley's costume although I did prefer the "cute" version over the "hawt" version. But it's definitely annoying. None of these are reasons to point to Suicide Squad as a bad title though. Look to the writing for that!

If Suicide Squad were the best written book of The New 52 and people were calling it shit because Harley had a new costume or a new attitude, or because Amanda was skinny and physically dangerous, or because Lawton was missing his mustache, you'd think they were being superficial jerks and probably wave their opinion away while taking another sip of tea and ringing for your butler to escort them off the veranda. But since this book has been, at best, half-assed on the writing front, these excuses just seem to add to people's hatred for the book. Anyway, I don't deal in hating books for shallow and superficial reasons.

If I lost anybody, that last sentence was a joke. My hatred knows no bounds! Once I sniff out a bad writer, I'm on that carcass beak deep! I'll find every last giblet to tear down and deride! If I truly hated this book like some of the others in The New 52, you can bet I'd be bitching about Lawton's lack of facial hair every third sentence! Every third sentence because the other two sentences would be dealing with Harley's looks and Amanda's skinny jeans.

Shut up, King Shark. You know the plan! Eat shit!

Yo Yo's premise that Basilisk won't survive without its leader is flawed since Basilisk has already survived once without its leader. In fact, it brought its leader back from the dead. Or maybe Basilisk has a whole bunch of clones of Regulus since they know they can't survive without him! I guess if King Shark eats him, Basilisk had better hope for the clone thing because I don't think anybody but Yo Yo is surviving being eaten by King Shark.

Yo Yo's declaration actually sounds like something someone would say to set up an excuse to drop all of the Basilisk crap. If Regulus is dead, we can ignore Basilisk since Yo Yo declared it was no longer a threat! And since Basilisk hasn't really turned out to be very interesting, I can see Adam Glass backgrounding it for awhile. When The New 52 first started, it seemed like Basilisk was going to be a huge threat much like the Daemonites. But both just kind of petered out and never quite lived up to their potential. Although Regulus and Amanda seem to have some kind of personal grudge against each other, so Basilisk may live on for quite some time in Suicide Squad. Perhaps similar to Ostrander's Squad's Jihad? I said similar to! Not equal to!

So Yo Yo takes the hood off the package.

Yawn.

I forgot Kurt Lance was running around for Amanda keeping a tab on the Teen Titans because Amanda won't rest until she's running every super group in the DCnU. And that Kurt was captured by suddenly alive again Grey Lora and a mysterious person that I assumed was Regulus (and indeed must have been) in Teen Titans #17. Unless it was Red Hood #17. So this mission has simply been to get Amanda's secret agent back. Yawn. Wait, did I say that already?

Meanwhile Voltaic gets his head bitten off by a man-eating plant that grows out from between Red Orchid's breasts while she says, "You can't fool Mother Nature!" Except the comic book makes it come across less classy than I made it sound. And Voltaic already came back from the dead once and was stabbed through the heart and survived, so he might be okay with a partially digested face.

King Shark tries to bite off a face as well, this one belonging to Regulus. But since King Shark has been such a mystery in the pages of Suicide Squad, Adam Glass decides to clear some of his history up while making him more mysterious by way of Regulus knowing all about him. Terrific short cut to building a character and his history! Make the bad guy know all about him!

I like King Shark just being King Shark. Don't give him any history! Oh, and look at that! Voltaic's head is still on. Boooo!

Red Orchid captures the entire squad up in vines while Kurt Lance moans in pain and doesn't turn off anybody's powers. Except for Yo Yo's. I don't think I like Kurt Lance being in the mix. It's easy enough simply accepting people have super powers for whatever reasons their origins give. But it's simply too difficult to believe that, somehow, somebody can turn those powers off. As if the power isn't inherently a part of their biological makeup. Can he turn off Superman's powers? Or can he only turn off powers related to a person having the Meta-Gene? Is that still a reason for most super powers in the DCnU? Solstice's power is simply who she is! A big sulfurous stinky smoking woman. But he can turn that off and simply make her human again? Really? You're asking a lot out of my cynical suspension of disbelief!

Regulus doesn't only know all about King Shark. He also knows why Amanda has such anger issues toward Basilisk and himself. But he doesn't seem ready to tell anyone.

I think I've seen enough commercials for CSI-type shows to know that Deadshot's DNA sample is already contaminated having been in Regulus's eye goo! Oh, and Deadshot's DNA sample is spit, you sicko perv.

Harley escapes with the help of Yo Yo's tongue (non-stretchy) and a sickle tucked in her boot. Yo Yo's plan is to have her escape with Kurt Lance while the rest of the Squad get their powers back and/or die. I guess King Shark's sharkiness isn't a power since he didn't suddenly turn human. And I guess Voltaic's power can't be turned off since he shocked King Shark into silence about his secret partner. Or else Yo Yo was the only one targeted by Kurt. I wonder if Kurt can turn off skills as well as powers! Can he make Deadshot a dud shot? None of this matters at the moment anyway since Harley is prevented from running off with Kurt Lance when Regulus bashes her in the head with the flail.

First off, it isn't Harley's weapon so its being impractical has nothing to do with her practicality. Also, weapons aren't chosen for how efficiently they fit on the belt! You can get a fuckload more power out of a flail than a mace. So, you know, practical! What would be impractical is a mace with the length needed to gain the same power as a flail!

Oh! And see that fish tank behind Kurt? Anybody want to place a bet on that being smashed so that it interacts with Voltaic and shocks the shit out of the people that need their shit shocked?

You know what else Regulus knows that I'm pretty sure he should have no idea of knowing? The fact that Harley has been hearing voices. Can we call a moratorium on villains that know shit that they shouldn't know because Regulus has filled this month's quota in just a few pages of Suicide Squad alone.

Harley tosses her sickle, knocking out Kurt Lance. With Yo Yo's stupid power back, the Squad is now sure to win! Yo Yo gooses Red Orchid who drops the rest of the Squad. Deadshot shoots the glass on the Aquarium which knocks Regulus back so King Shark can rescue Harley. And surprise! Nobody gets their shit shocked at all. Instead, the water causes Red Orchid to go into overdrive and she recaptures everyone, leaving Regulus to steal Harley's communicator and taunt Amanda personally. He's about to expose Amanda's secret relationship to Kurt Lance when she disconnects the communications. This causes Regulus to shut up.

Why do writers hold on so desperately to minor pieces of information? They horde them like gold thinking it's this little bit of knowledge yet to be revealed that keeps people reading. You know what keeps people reading? Revealing secrets like whatever Regulus was going to say which would reveal new motivations and character insights, leading to new stories where more secrets can be revealed in a steady and timely manner. I think we've had enough with dropping small hints at things over and over and over again. We get it. King Shark is a Shark God with an ulterior motive for being in the Squad. Kurt Lance is the only man Amanda has ever loved and may or may not have had a child named Havana with him. Let these stories play out naturally instead of teasing the reader with the same bits of information over and over again. I don't mind the slow revelation of story bits. But Adam Glass's technique here is to have a character ALMOST say the thing and then suddenly get cut off so as not to reveal it. It's ridiculous.

Regulus wanders off with Kurt Lance while back in Belle Reve, Amanda loads a shotgun and storms out of the communications room. Where the hell does she think she's going? Does she have a teleporter to get to Regulus? It's possible since Red Hood and Starfire just took down bolt in DC Universe Presents #17! Except I think Bolt has just recently kidnapped Ronnie's Mom in Firestorm, so maybe not that either. Maybe Ambush Bug is a member of Suicide Squad?

Everybody is being choked to death by Red Orchid, so instead of choking Red Orchid back with his super elastic neck, Yo Yo sacrifices his life for the Squad.

Shooting her in the head wouldn't have done the trick?

Suicide Squad #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm pretty sure if Yo Yo can survive a month inside the stomach of King Shark, he's pretty much invulnerable. The way he can stretch and absorb energy, he'll be all right. Or he should be all right! If this somehow manages to kill him, it'll be the worst death in the pages of this comic book! Or will it be the first death in the pages of this comic book? Maybe the second although I'm not sure if Lime Light having her head blown off counts. She was pretty much a nameless thug created by J.T. Krul in the worst three issue run of Green Arrow in the history of Green Arrow's worst three issue runs. The story beats and characterization in this issue were just awful. And I still really hate to see an Amanda Waller that's ready to throw her ass into life threatening situations to get the job done herself. Ridiculous! And where was Floyd Lawton's mustache?! Are we sure he didn't lose it to a Harley Quinn prank?

Katana #2

Maybe DC should consider merging Katana and Catwoman so Ann Nocenti is only writing one book. Katwomana.

At the end of Issue #1, Coil inquired of Katana if she were ready to walk the tightrope. So I guess Coil is a recruiter for a Japanese-themed San Francisco based circus. I think the query was supposed to be dripping with tension and danger. But it was just a contrived question in a contrived situation that was all set up simply to end in that question.

It's at this point where I usually find myself at a loss for words while discussing Ann Nocenti's writing. Apparently I'm not a good enough writer to describe how bad of a writer she is. Her dialogue is stilted and unnatural. The characters rarely feel like they're reacting to the other person's dialogue. It's as if they both have rehearsed speeches that they aren't going to change no matter what the other person says. Or sometimes it's just one person with the speech and the other person spouting hysterical nonsense. I don't know! I just said I can't communicate what is wrong with it. Perhaps I need to really immerse myself in her work until I can figure out exactly how to mean what I say instead of just resorting to vague generalizations like "Ann Nocenti sucks" or unhelpful specifics such as "I'd rather be sucking a donkey dick than reading this comic book."

But I don't know if that day is today. We'll see how much time I feel like wasting on Katana #2. Who knows? Maybe it'll blow me away?

Well there goes any chances of me being blown.

The first page provides me with incomprehensible dialogue. I mean, I can parse it. I don't have a problem with that. But I can't understand why Nocenti would write it. I don't know why she would have Coil saying it. Is it because she's carefully crafted his redneck misogynist personality to a razor sharp point? Do razors have points? Fuck it! It's the type of description befitting Nocenti's writing! So you know, these days when a woman says no, you can't continue to try to stick your sword in her for some reason. I know, I know! It's silly! How many centuries has it been okay to interpret a "no" as a "yes" and now, all of a fucking sudden, that's not allowed?! Ridiculous! But I guess we have to respect her or people might get angry.

So as you can see from the first page, Katana bests Coil in their knife fight and she's refused to join the Sword Clan, so since "no means no", the Sword Clan needs to holster their weapons and get the fuck out of Dodge. Remember! This is Nocenti's writing, so I can use a gun analogy on a sword clan!

Also, they were in a Japanese Kawaii Sculpture Garden during the fight last issue and now they're in the San Francisco Zoo. I guess the mythical Kawaii Park was located right next door to the zoo.

Now you see that last panel I scanned, right? How Katana has Coil dead to rights, correct? Okay. Time for Ann Nocenti to do her thing in Panel #2!

So much goodness here. Where to begin?

Katana has the advantage on Coil and she's killed before, so she could take him out as the other Clan members scatter. But perhaps she needs him alive? Well, then let the Sword Clan run and take him away at katana point. Or begin threatening and questioning him here, if that's what she wants. But no. It's better to run around like the enemy! That'll fool them! So Katana decides she "can't fight him yet" even though that's what she just did and she destroyed his coil sword in the process. But can't fight him now! He's too good! He might piss on me and cut off my head! So later she'll decide to use "The Infiltration Game"! I think I remember that game from Junior High School parties. At least I think that's what they called the game. It was hard to hear the other kids from my position in the bushes outside of the house trying to stare through the window.

Katana decides to go after a specific young member that never tried to kill her. But why would the Sword Clan let her? Because "no means no"? If she's going to keep attacking them, shouldn't they all attack her en masse? Is that too much to fucking ask of a CLAN?!

Let's move on to Panels Three and Four for a nice juicy taste of Ann Nocenti's goods.

Aha! It's one of her Wikipedia moments! Classic Nocenti!

The proper response to somebody yelling, "Hiding behind the lions? I'll toss you in the pit," is "FUCK YOU, BITCH!" Instead he decides to debate her on the efficacy of her plan. "They don't even look hungry." As if he knows what a hungry lion looks like! In fact, in Panel Five, he declares, "Animals in captivity overeat. They won't bother me!" which is probably what he should have said instead of this other thing. It would still be awkward but why not go with that bit of information since it makes this bit obsolete. That isn't the Wikipedia part though! That next bit by Katana is where she gives us the rundown on how to tell if a lion is ready to kill. Thanks for the nature facts, Katana!

Nocenti does this all the time. Instead of having two characters engage in dialogue for the scene, they end up discussing lions and captive animals. Maybe I'm reading it wrong! Perhaps I'm supposed to find joy in the whimsical back and forth wherein the characters measure their fact penises. Perhaps the fault lies within me and all of the other Green Arrow and Catwoman fans that currently hate Green Arrow and Catwoman.

But there is an awkward and shambling and horribly written method to her madness. This all takes place for a reason! Part of that reason is for the Sword Clan Kid to mention "animals in captivity" so that Katana can latch on to that idea and point out that this kid appears to be of like kind. Why isn't he attacking her? Why isn't he aggressive? How come he "wears his armor like a Halloween outfit"? Right? She can turn this kid around and get some information out of him! And maybe a sidekick!

What would she have said if their battle took them over the Penguin Pool? "Those Penguins sense you as a bad provider for your chick! They are cold and judgmental, waiting for you to drop your egg."

Now where the fuck are the rest of the Sword Clan? I guess they don't care about this kid? They should care about this kid! They should know he's the weak link and should be keeping him out of Katana's hands. Unless that's Coil's plan! Coil probably decided that if Katana wouldn't join them, they'd break away. He knew Katana, like a lion, would go for the weak prey and, like a crocodile, grind the information from his bones. Now this kid will give Katana the information she needs to play The Infiltration Game and she'll infiltrate the Sword Clan which means she'll have joined and Coil will have her! Ha ha! Brilliantly played, Coil! If Harvest has taught me anything, it's to remember that everything is part of the plan!

But wait! Katana's fun facts aren't over!

But they are completely inaccurate! "Prey is often, therefore, left in one spot to be finished off later. This has led to the mistaken belief that crocodiles like to eat rotten meat, hiding a freshly killed animal until it is 'cured'. In fact, they prefer fresh meat." -- From some non-Wikipedia DK-published Kid's Book.

The Pacifist Sword Clan Kid decides to strike back at Katana by saying, "I think your sword controls you!" He thinks this because of all the surely truthful information he received from Coil's power point presentation before this mission.

Coil: "Here we see not Katana talking to her sword but her sword talking to Katana!"

Coil: "Yes, the sword talks to her. She's not crazy because she hears the sword speak to her."

Coil: "She's crazy because she thinks it's her dead husband! Also, she never smiles."

But the Sword Clan member is obviously Dyslexic because he volunteered for the wrong Clan as he lets on when he surrenders to Katana.

"Hey guys! I brought my dictionary! Sword? Why would the Words Clan need a...oooooh. Shit."

Katana and Thrust (that's his name! I think I named somebody else Thrust in one of my other commentaries but fuck if I can remember where I did that!) go on a picnic where no Game of Words takes place. All that takes place is Thrust whining about his family's view of him and how he hates his family and the Sword Clan. So Katana says, "Double cross them!" and Thrust says, "Okay!" So they plan on being dates at a Sword Clan Sword Show later in the week.

Because Thrust is so likable and not as similar to Crocodile Food as Katana first thought, she shares a secret with him. One time in Tokyo, her sword did something very bad. That's the end of the secret. I thought it was going to be better but that was it. The pictures associated with the secret did involve bunny slippers though, so it couldn't have been too serious if you ignore the blood the slippers were splashing through.

Later Tatsu goes to sneak a look at more of Shun the Untouchable's skin. She spends the last of her money to see Shun's foot which has a tattoo of a dragon on it. Tatsu gets angry that she was cheated because the tattoo showed a mythical creature and she wanted to see something real. But later the drunken Master reminds Tatsu that her name means "dragon". You'd think somebody with the Japanese name of "Dragon" would realize when they're looking at a prophetic tattoo of a dragon that it probably represents themselves. Wouldn't you? I mean, I would! Wouldn't you?!

Maybe Katana didn't realize her name means dragon since using a translation utility online, it also means to stand up. Perhaps that's what she always thought her name meant. To stand up! Because she can stand up!

Oh, and her encounter with the Drunken Master ends with Katana learning a lesson she would already know if she simply watched a lot of Kung Fu movies.

Sheesh, Katana! Everybody but you knew he was a Drunken Master as soon as they saw him. Perhaps HE needs to learn the art of stereotypes!

Tatsu gets a job working for her landlady in the Sake bar next door to the apartments. And then it's time for her to come up with a disguise for her date at the big Sword Clan Sword Show!

Well. As long as we're being stereotypical about who and what constitutes intelligence, how are you going to hide your Japanese looks? They'll know you're smart instantly!

Tatsu's prejudices don't stop there

And I'm being generous when I ascribe the prejudice to Tatsu and not to Ann Nocenti. I know I wouldn't want somebody to think everything I write in character is something I actually feel! But Nocenti really is making Tatsu an unlikeable, bitter shrew here!

Once in the party, Tatsu ditches her stupid slutty blonde cheerleader outfit and gets back to her super smart At Seventeen brunette loner normality. Just in time to challenge Sickle in a display of skill! Thrust promised to introduce Katana to Sickle for some reason (the reason is never actually explained, as far as I can tell) but she apparently doesn't need an introduction.

I don't know if he's still in love with her but he knows her as Katana. I guess Tatsu's secret identity isn't that secret in the Japanese circles she runs in.

After Katana defeats Sickle's girls with the help of her sword (I mean, the sword controlled her movements not she used the sword to win. Or something), Sickle whispers to her that he knows her name but nobody else does. He threatens to expose her if she doesn't join the Sword Clan. Which she's now considering! Coil's plan worked to perfection! Although Katana thinks, "Yes, Sickle, I will consider getting close to my enemy, but only to kill him." If she means Coil then she already had that chance. So hopefully she means somebody higher up in the Sword Clan. Probably someone responsible for Maseo's murder. Maseo is her husband! I think. I suck at names.

And then Katana leaves and the last page is apparently for sudden plot changes and foreshadowing!

How come Katana needs money so badly if she's a member of the JLA? Don't they fucking have to at least pay minimum wage?

Katana #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I know, I know! The writing is mostly atrocious and the dialogue is awful in a lot of places. But I like Katana (well, historically I do! She seems kind of douchey so far in this comic!) and I'm actually interested in this story. So sue me!

Batgirl #18

I was walking home from lunch the other day when I saw a Robin hopping in the street off to my left. So I yelled, "Hey bird! Robin is dead!" I figured that was the best way to deliver the news.

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking about changing my name to "Batgrrl". What do you think? Sometimes when I type "Batgirl", it comes out "Batgril" and then I chuckle and think, "I bet that's exactly what Batman calls his barbeque." Do you think there will ever be a Batgorilla? I bet The Riddler once dressed up a gorilla in a Batcowl and called it Batgorilla and sent it out to attack Batman. I wouldn't be surprised if that happened early in Batman's career when his conflicts tended toward goofy rather than grim. What happened to the world that it went from a place where people would get joy out of Batman battling Batgorilla to a place where raving lunatics would clog the internet calling for blood at the stupidity of a battle between Batman and Batgorilla? As if they could point the finger of blame at anybody though! Look at me! I'm thinking about the world as if it were fan fiction! Silly me.

I suppose you want to learn how my recent encounter with Firebug turned out, don't you? Well...we're going out on Friday! Ha ha! JK! Seriously, Diary, you're such a gullible loser sometimes. Anyway, let me start at the ending of the middle...

I won.

I am so sore and burnt and smell like bricks and tar and fire. Why do I do it? Why do I fight crime? I'd rather just write my Ray Fawkes fan fiction. Although I was looking over the last story that I wrote and it was a bit incestuous, wasn't it, Diary? I posted it on my battitties tumblr account and somebody responded with "Not that I care for incest. I just figure it is a touchy subject in comic books and elsewhere." Ha ha! Oh, tumblr! You don't even want to offend people engaged in brother/sister incest! But then some creepy molester guy started anon-harassing me about wishing he were my brother so I'd be all down his pants. So I took the story off. Ha ha! Oh tumblr! Fifty percent good vibes, fifty percent show me your pussy.

So I survived. Then I got a phone call I can't talk about yet. I just can't. I mean, I guess I could. But I called up Dick and he couldn't talk about it and he's no better than I am, so I can't talk about it either! Like he's too busy to talk. I bet Batman is also too busy to talk. And Tim is probably too busy and/or too possessed by a demon to talk. And Jason Todd is, well, who the flip cares about him anyway? And then I got another phone call that I just plain don't want to talk about.

I mean, seriously. How dare he call me and threaten me? After selling me out to The Joker? Who does that little bastard think he is? I guess I'm kind of glad that he helped save mom even if it meant nearly getting me, his own sister, killed! And I could go crazy wondering why he would do that. Is he capable of love? What is the connection he has with mom that would make him save her? I mean he probably only saved her for his own screwed up reasoning that only another crazy person could figure out. Anyway, I didn't want to talk to you about that, Diary! I wanted to talk about how I hunted down the FireRoach and kicked his ass!

I was pretty proud of that glove removal move after he locked the grenade to it. Small wrists, dipshit!

Villains are idiots. The majority of the world are still sexist assholes (men and women!), so they hear "Girl" in my name and think they're getting lucky. Okay, maybe they are getting lucky that they're not on the other end of the "Man" version of me, especially right now with what he's probably going through and all that crap. You know. The stuff in relation to the phone call I don't want to talk about. Anyway, they hear "Batgirl" and think they're going to the prom. I like to show them different. Well, different from the prom they were expecting. My prom was pretty much a brawl.

Afterward I went looking for my brother but the coward didn't show up. Oh well. I doubt he can get be up to too much trouble in a day or two.

Batgirl #18 Rating: No change although I almost dropped it a rank. The narration by James Gordon, Jr., was especially annoying this issue, especially in the places where he was speaking about things he couldn't possibly know. But since I still think of this as Gail Simone's book while she's on hiatus from it, I hate to penalize her because of Ray Fawkes style. Also, I just ate a half a container of Oreos while writing this. I guess I needed to get into character! Or the character that I'm turning Batgirl into, anyway. I just picture her sprawled on her bed in her underwear scarfing down cookies and ice cream as she completes another diary entry. And then she goes in the living room and plays video games with Alysia all night long. Does Alysia even have a job? I forget!