Supergirl #16

And H'el is Bizarro again. Maybe the covers shouldn't be finished so far in advance of the rest of the comic book.

Supergirl has major Kryptonian lady wood for H'el and has decided to join forces with him to return Krypton to its unexploded former glory. I hope H'el realizes that once they go back in time before Krypton was rubble, he's still going to have to stop it from exploding by destroying the End of the World Cult that blows it up. Unless it's the clones fucking with the weather systems that causes it to blow. Or maybe one of Jor-El's secret experiments is the cause. No, you know what I bet the cause of Krypton blowing up was? It was H'el traveling back in time! The energy he uses to fuel his time machine will probably go back with him only to explode deep within the center of the planet Krypton. So before that happens, let's hope Flash can talk Supergirl out of going back in time and killing herself as well.

Except according to Superman #0, Superman ends up back in time hanging around stalking his parents! I hope that part is just completely forgotten about so that years later everyone can go, "What the fuck was Lobdell on about? Superman on Krypton? When the fuck is that going to happen?"

This issue of Supergirl begins with H'el's story as told by Oracle's Horn Blower.

Okay. I guess the scar healed quickly over time. And it looks like he made the mark himself to alert whoever found him that he needed to see Superman. But since he made the mark while looking in the mirror, it came out backwards. And he was too loopy from space madness to realize it.

It's at this point in the story where Oracle's Horn Blower finds the body and blows the horn. This actually occurred back in Superman #1. It was a single page of the fishy guy blowing the horn and saying his task has finally been done and now he just has to be heard. And then an editor's note says to read Stormwatch to find out more about this. But Stormwatch simply recovered the horn and put it on the Eye of the Storm. Nothing ever came of it. Until Scott Lobdell decided it was to be used to summon an omniscient creature named Oracle. Although I still don't know why an omniscient creature would need to be summoned.

But that can wait until Scott Lobdell's Superman because it's just too silly to take place in Supergirl. This is a serious fucking comic book, not one of those Silver Age throwbacks written to children and social deviants. So instead of revealing more about Oracle's Horn Blower, this comic will be focusing on The Flash trying to remove Supergirl from H'el's influence.

Hey Flash. She probably can't understand you when you speak while running at super speed.

The Flash slows down long enough to drop some truth bombs on Kara which she obviously doesn't want to hear.

Flash: "H'el is a bad guy, Kara!"
Supergirl: "Go fuck yourself, Flash! You can't tell me who to date!"
Flash: "He's just using you to destroy the world!"
Supergirl: "You're just jealous!"
Flash: "You're not thinking straight! You've spent too much time being written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco!"
Supergirl: "Lecture much? I don't have to listen to you! You're not my father!"

Eventually Supergirl just decides to break his skull. It doesn't work because The Flash has weird vibrating powers that Supergirl has felt before.

I feel a FWAAASH! coming on!

The Flash vibrates himself and Supergirl through a wall and into Superman's Zoo of Solitude. This is the third zoo to grace a plot in this month of The New 52! Damian and Fake Batman ran about the Gotham Zoo in Batman and Robin #16. And Grifter had a climactic last battle in a nameless city zoo in Grifter #16. I don't think there will be any polar bears in Superman's zoo though. He just keeps exotic alien species in his Zoo which are probably all against some kind of Earth law. And even if there isn't an Earth law against it, how smart is it to bring a strange creature into a new environment? If it gets out, it's going to wreak havoc on the ecosystem. Superman, you're an irresponsible jerk!

They only spend a couple of pages fighting strange creatures before Flash vibrates them through another wall. The Fortress of Solitude is like its own city! It has dangerous robots and dangerous weapons and dangerous animals and dangerous gadgets. I have a feeling Batman is going to have some strong and disapproving words for Superman when this is all over.

The next room they end up in is only dangerous if you don't have the proper treats.

I wonder if Krypto simply means "dog" in Kryptonian? So Krypton is "The Place of Dogs."

Stupid animals in media. They get me every time! The greeting between Krypto and Supergirl is very sweet seeing as how Supergirl had no idea the big dumb dog survived. While Supergirl is distracted by dog kisses, The Flash zips out to find some secret weapon Superman told him to use as a last resort. It's some weird suit of armor that I've never seen or heard of before. But that's okay because The Flash explains where it came from in the most general terms possible! It was created by an "evil genius" Superman fought "off-planet" a "couple years back." Superman has had so many adventures in five years (possibly a few more) that the Fortress is stuffed full of crazy trophies.

I'm still curious about Superman's ability to fly. He couldn't fly at the beginning of Action Comics. Is it because he just hadn't absorbed enough sunlight yet? Supergirl has no problem flying. Or is it because of their special graduation suits they wear? Or does Superman have a Legion Flight Ring shoved up his colon?

The Flash doesn't save Kara because H'el comes along to do one of those fight ending things he does with no explanation as to how he does it. He teleports Flash to the Justice League Satellite. And since teleportation has never been a Kryptonian power, who is this fucker?

The Supergirl part of the story ends with Supergirl and H'el making kissy faces at each other. And then in space on the way to Earth, an all-powerful impossibility awakens!

Being omniscient sucks. This poor bastard Oracle has to travel all the way to Earth knowing the whole time that he's not going to accomplish whatever horrible thing he's supposed to accomplish. But he can't not go because he knows he goes so he has to go even though he knows he's going to fail. Omniscience is a fucking curse.

Supergirl #16 Rating: No change. I think I find the Supergirl parts of this crossover the best parts because I have a huge bias against Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco. It didn't start out as an irrational bias but it might have gotten a bit out of control by this point. It started out because they sucked at writing and because they didn't know that the arctic and Antarctica are two different places. But now I just see their names on the cover of a comic book and my brain explodes.

Ugh. According to the advert in this issue, the H'el on Earth crossover still has four more issues to go.

New Guardians #16

Time to see Kyle get his brains fucked out by the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog.

According to the first page of New Guardians, Kyle Rayner's ability to show love is severely retarded. It's a queer thing, seeing as how he grasped the other emotions so quickly. I just assumed everyone would have a gay old time while Kyle learned about loving and caring for others. But I was fucking wrong about that shit because his cunt of an old man ditched his ass when he was just six years old. So, you know, he kind of began burying his feelings or something.

Since tapping into his early years when his father left didn't pan out, the Star Sapphires try another moment when he should have been able to express his feelings.

G'nort! Arisia! Tomar-Re! The crystal guy, umm, Chaselon! Kilowog! Salaak! B'dg (or Ch'p. But it looks more squirrely than badgery). And the other lesser known human Green Lanterns!

I'm glad G'nort has been acknowledged as existing (or having existed since this is a flashback) in The New 52. That was all I really needed to know. The other character I can't wait to see is Ambush Bug since he obviously exists in The New 52 whether DC wants him to or not. A change in continuity can't hold him back!

As the narrative finds its way out of Kyle's memories and back to Zamaron (which has now found its way back to Sector 1416 where it belongs), we learn that Sapphire 3 (the female Kilowog) does not have enough time to get past first base and really teach Kyle about love because Ganthet is coming to kill Kyle Raynor. DC has really gone crazy on the "shoot your own dog" motif this month. I probably should have been keeping a list detailing every moment when someone needed to end the life or put a stop to someone they were responsible for. I think it's all leading up to Batman shooting his insane clown dog in the creek with the rest of the Bat-family hot on their trail looking for blood.

And then the meeting that will eventually teach Kyle how to love begins.

In the next panel, Ganthet "FWASHES" Kyle. Some of you now what that means. I just thought it was too awkward to scan because who wants to see the man you think of as your father's vagina?

Kyle and Ganthet battle to a stalemate until the Star Sapphires arrive to help him. It's at this point that Kyle begins to show that he loves Ganthet although he's still very hesitant couching it in terms like "Don't kill him!" and "I'd promise Sayd I'd save him!" Come on, Kyle! You'll never save him while you continue to hide behind ulterior motives for not wanting to destroy him. You want him to live because you WUV HIM!

Just as Kyle and the Star Sapphires have Ganthet on the ropes, his army of Borg Lanterns appears looking to destroy love since love often leads to masturbation when one partner is simply too tired or ejaculates early and falls asleep on top of you. And the Guardians of the Universe simply can't have any of that going on in their Universe. But the Star Sapphires are hyper-focused on taking out Ganthet and they just kind of ignore the Borg Lanterns.

And then Ganthet FWASHES Kyle one more time, nearly killing him. That's totally understandable.

And just like a scene from Halloween some after school special, as Kyle lies there mortally wounded by the man he considered his father, he learns the greatest lesson of all! Love stinks. I mean, love is forgiveness. Kyle forgives his dad and forgives himself and forgives Ganthet too. But Kyle should also realize that this means rage is forgiveness too, right? Maybe rage is the not forgetting part! Anyway, it's not really important what love is. Is it really forgiveness or is it actually manipulation? Not even the greatest philosophers or that tootsie pop owl can answer that question! Anyway, learning his lesson, Kyle becomes the first man in the universe to wield love effectively and thus transform into The Rainbow Lantern!

His new name should be RAF W. HCL!

Now when Kyle uses his power, his ring says, "Life." And then all of the Borg Lanterns disintegrate and Ganthet runs away with his ponytail between his legs. And now that Kyle can destroy the Borg Lanterns with a wave of his hand, that means that a large percentage of the universe's population is about to be wiped out. Since, you know, so many of them have already been converted. Time to teach those Borg Lanterns that any love is good love!

New Guardians #16 Rating: No change. Is that all it takes to become the most powerful person in the universe? To be the most angry, selfish, intimidating, stubborn, optimistic, and caring lover in the universe? Damn. I should be a White Lantern! I get through all of those emotions every time I masturbate! Is the fact that Kyle is now all in white and shoots white goop out of his fingers a metaphor for something?

Stalker! (as seen in Sword of Sorcery #4)

Part 12 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

Personal Data
Alter Ego: Unknown [And unpronounceable!]
Occupation: Warrior [The New 52: Sad and lonely king.]
Marital Status: Single [The New 52: Widowed.]
Known Relatives: None [The New 52: His baby's great x 10,000 grandchildren.]
Group Affiliation: None
First Appearance: STALKER #1
Base of Operations: Geranth
Height: 5'8" Weight: 145 lbs
Eyes: Red Hair: Black

History
"A nameless youth, tossed out of his own home as a child, he grew up on the streets of Geranth, a city in the cold wastes of a barbaric world. Having abandoned all hope, he offered a prayer at the temple of Dgrth, the god of warriors. Dgrth answered his prayer, and offered the youth the power and skill of a great warrior in trade for his soul [That's a much better trade than The New 52 Stalker made!].

Taking the name Stalker from Dgrth, the youth accepted, believing he would have no need for his soul when dead [Seems like that's the only time you would have need for it. If it, you know, existed!]. However, Dgrth took his soul and left him alive, but cursed and empty despite his new power [So he filled the emptiness with drugs and pornography?].

Stalker pursued Dgrth into hell itself to undo the bargain, freeing an army of the damned to battle the warrior god. Driven to the point of despair, Dgrth admitted he would gladly return Stalker's soul to be free of the mad youth--but he lacked the power to do so [Worst god ever. Lacks the power to undo something he did? Is beaten by the same guy he gave power to? Was driven to despair by a crazy mortal kid constantly haranguing him?].

Dgrth claimed to be an elder god, living on the souls and prayers of those who believed in him. As long as one person remained alive who worshipped [sic] him, Stalker's soul would be Dgrth's. Stalker vowed to do the impossible and banish evil and war from this world [I think I saw this story on Xena!], if that was what was required to free his soul. If Stalker died before accomplishing that task, Dgrth swore he would have the most awful damnation in the history of the dead.

Whether Stalker succeeded in his quest has not yet been recorded [And apparently never will be. Which is too bad because this Stalker sounds much more interesting than his New 52 version.]

Powers & Weapons
Stalker was granted mastery of all forms of combat, the eye of a marksman with any weapon, and the gift of the hunter to follow any trail unhampered and undetected.

Sword of Sorcery #4

How does the creature with the mouth full of teeth not bite it's tongue?

I think last issue ended with Amethyst being summoned to Earth to help out Justice League Dark in their Annual. It ended up being a lot less "helping" and a lot more "getting the word out that Amethyst has her own comic book series." I don't believe that series ever dealt with her return to Gemworld so that part of the story should end up here. That's actually a pretty effective way to deal with the crossover. If you're reading both, that is. If you're not reading both, you might just be confused by how this story plays out. But I'm sure there will be a nice, helpful Editor's Note to keep things moving.

This next paragraph can be skipped if you don't care about the relationship between my Blogspot version of this blog and my Tumblr version! I'm now typing these posts in Blogspot's editor whereas I had been typing them in the Tumblr editor. Tumblr recently changed its format and while I don't mind it, it currently has a bug that doesn't let you edit your previous posts. Well, you can edit the first line of your post or the last line of your post, but that's not actually any fucking help at all. On the plus side, I'll now be editing my posts on Blogspot so they don't maintain a record of all of my stupid grammar mistakes and missed words and other typos. My Tumblr posts will also be edited because one thing I can still do is copypasta the edited text from here to there. So all in all, a mistake by Tumblr's programmers has probably improved the reading quality of my Blogspot blog. Now I just have to edit the previous 900 posts so I don't look like an idiot when I type "meat" for "meet".

Now that everybody is thoroughly bored with the non-essential, mundane, technological aspects of my comic book odyssey, let's dive into Amethyst! Hmm. I think I just turned myself on a little bit.

I'd like to see these two go out for coffee sometime. Get to know each other a little better. Watch as Constantine uses her to save his soul while breaking her little teenaged heart.

One of the reasons I'm glad for some interaction between these two is that Amethyst knows nothing about John Constantine except what she's seen in the couple of issues of Justice League Dark she was in. She kind of knows he can't be trusted and that he smokes a lot and that he's casually very good at the magic. But he obviously knew about her enough to get his hands on her crystal. Dammit. Inadvertent arousal again.

His matter of factness and casual bearing are just so refreshing. It's no wonder he's long been one of my favorite characters.

John drops some hints that Amethyst's mom acted pretty wild when she returned to First World years ago. It put her on his radar and he's been keeping an eye on her ever since. Not surprising since he has notes on everybody in the DCnU in his office in the House of Mystery. Before John can give the crystal back to Amethyst, she has a favor to ask. Seeing as how the House can go anywhere and she's been stuck eating Gem Stew for the last week, Amethyst wants to take a detour to Chicago for some pizza. And who is Constantine to say no? I think his motto is if you're going to horribly use and abuse someone at a later date (this includes everyone John ever meets), you need to make them think you're the nicest, sweetest guy in the world during those times you don't need to bargain their soul to save your own.

If a guy in a lift says he'll snog your fanny for a fag, don't do it! Or do do it? Maybe ask him for a little clarification first.

After Amethyst stops looking fucking adorable eating her deep dish pizza (Instant fan of Travis Moore and Karl Story from just a few pages! Where have these guys been hiding?!), she walks out of the Pizzeria (or Pizzaria according to the front window of the pizza place) and is instantly pulled down through a devil's circle some careless child chalked onto the sidewalk.

Held captive by two demons, Amethyst reappears in an office building where a woman tells her she wants her magic necklace. It would be really terrific world building on DC's part if this were Brenda's aunt from Blue Beetle! She and her house and her magic artifacts all disappeared months ago in a mystic conflagration. Her reappearance could be explained later. I just think it would be great if this were her still seeking it out mystic artifacts. And this woman has a nice collection of her own! She's the head of a corporation in Forbes' Most Powerful Top 500. Was that what Brenda's aunt did? I can't even remember her name! Or her Mexican mafioso nickname!

"CEO Sorceress." I like that! For breakfast today, I'm going to the Cup and Saucer around the corner which my non-certified spouse and I call the Cup and Sorcerer.

The CEO Sorceress refuses to take the necklace by force because magic always has strange prices and weird protections. So she wants Amethyst to hand it over freely. But I don't know if she actually knows what "freely" means since she's going to try to threaten and intimidate her into handing it over. She begins by threatening to have demons rip apart a whole bunch of her recently laid off employees if Amethyst doesn't cooperate. Amethyst's response is so perfectly teenaged girl:

I take that back. Gender doesn't even come into it. This is just pure teenager.

Of course Amethyst gives up the necklace because she's a "do-gooder." Afterward, she's tossed in the demon buffet along with the workers. Sheesh, Amethyst. Every other character in the DCnU would have put up a fight whether they needed to or not! Now that you go and try the reasonable thing and get fucked for it, you're just making it seem like throwing punches is the best first choice! I mean, I know it's not YOUR fault. But come on! You could have transformed and put up a fight! It's not like this CEO Sorceress was pretending to be good. She has a room full of demons! You don't give up your power that easily. I feel so strange! What's the word where you're both proud and disappointed of someone at the same time? Oh yeah! Parent!

The greedy woman's name is Ilene which means she's not Amparo Cardenas, Brenda's aunt. Lord Google helped me find her name! Although I had to snog his John Thomas for the information.

Ilene puts on the necklace and transforms into Amethyst, the Really Weathered and Stressed Out Older Than You'd Suspect Princess of Gemworld! But even though she's now dressed like Amethyst, she doesn't know how to wield the power. I'm pretty sure that's because the power is in Amethyst and the stupid necklace just instantly changes your clothes for you. Oh! That probably means Amethyst didn't give up her power at all!

What's the word when you have inadvertent sexual feelings for an underage fictional comic book character? Oh yeah! "Parent!" I mean, "Pervert!"

Amethyst kicks major demon fanny (this time I'm using it like an American would since most of the demons seem to be missing their genitals. But they still have buttocks!) and forces Ilene to give the necklace back. Then Amethyst breaks Ilene's Demonic Dildo and Ilene is pulled into her own portal and down into hell. If she somehow survives, I think Amethyst has made a powerful enemy on First World. She then calls Constantine to come help clean up.

John lets Amethyst know that if she uses the crystal herself, she'll never be able to come back to Earth. He says it in that way that makes it seem like he's giving her a choice but he's really only doing it because he knows he's going to get to keep the crystal (as well as all of Ilene's other mystic goodies). So Amethyst allows him to transport her back to Gemworld so that he'll have the crystal and she'll have a way back to Earth.

These two have a bit of a Dr. Who and his companion thing going on. I like it!

This has been the best issue of Amethyst so far. I really loved the dialogue between Amethyst and John. And the way she handled Ilene really showed her intelligence, strength, and patience. Fuck the heroes that lead with their fists! Bloody good issue, this one.

But I still have the back-up story to read! But first a break! Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back, um, after breakfast!

The back-up story stars Stalker, The Man Without A SOUL! It takes place a long, long time ago in a distant land where they speak an "unpronounceable and long-dead tongue."

Although his religion seems to have some suspiciously familiar trappings.

Stalker's god does not answer his prayers but a weird trespasser in brown robes offers to save Stalker's family for a small fee. Just a half-dozen Goldoons (TM Places & Predators!) and his soul. Stalker readily agrees because what could possibly go wrong? It's obvious he didn't read DC Universe Presents #16 or he'd know that deals with strange strangers usually have unexpected consequences.

The Stranger healed his pregnant wife but she died in childbirth many months later. His child lived but Stalker could not lay eyes on the cause of his wife's death. He had sold his soul for only a few short months of happiness. What an idiot! Trading your soul for somebody's current health is like trading your soul for a few ice cubes on a really hot day. I guess he'll just have to console himself with the fact that souls are imaginary, so he got a few more happy months with his wife and it didn't cost him anything! Or he could instead kick the jerk's ass that tricked him.

Well hey! At least he gets to be immortal out of the deal. Not bad!

Stalker wandered around for centuries finding nothing better to do with his time than kill. He killed and he killed and he killed. I guess because he had no soul or something. It's a little vague. I think his main motivation was boredom though. But after all the killing, he finally ended up in the present where he met up with the guy that owns his soul once more.

Weird that The Boss needed a man from a long, long, long time ago to do a job in the present. Good workers really must be hard to find.

Sword of Sorcery #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. While the back-up story was mediocre at best (especially with making the guy immortal just to meet up with him in a bar in the future for a job that I imagine will have to do with Stalker's past or else, who cares?), Amethyst's story was a lot of fun. Too bad Constantine won't be a regular player in it though. I've enjoyed Amethyst the most when she's been on Earth and now she's going back to Gemworld. And the new art team! Fantastic! The style is perfect for this book. I hope it continues to be lighthearted and fun. And adorable.

DC Universe Presents #16: Black Lightning & Blue Devil

The Creature Commandos have their title cancelled and already these movie monster scabs are trying to take their place.

Last issue Blue Devil had his suit of demon skin stolen by Nebiros. But since the skin was originally Nebiros's skin, I guess that's technically not stealing. But Black Lightning wasn't definitely more than technically shot by Tobias Whale. Delightning (that's the team of Blue Devil and Black Lightning! I'm sure DC wants this duo to be called Black & Blue but I prefer Delightning) tracked down Tobias Whale and Nebiros because they wanted to stop their drug running operation. They also wanted to save Black Lightning's dad. But they might have failed because Black Lightning is now mortally wounded and Blue Devil is naked.

I should probably say Daniel Cassidy is naked because the Blue Devil suit (skin) was torn apart when Nebiros tried to stuff his fat ass into it. Apparently he's gained a few inches since he had his skin torn off by Etrigan. Feeling fat and not so pretty, Nebiros can't handle killing Daniel Cassidy on his own right now. So he brings some of the wax figures to life so they can tear Daniel apart.

Fucking scabs. This is why Frank, Griffith, and Velcoro lost their jobs! Bastards.

I haven't forgotten about Black Lightning but since he's bleeding out on the floor, his story just isn't as exciting as Cassidy being attacked by old time movie monsters. But I should probably see what else is going on since Tobias Whale hasn't forgotten about him either. Whale goes to put an end to Black Lightning when Black Lightning decides to give up on his non-killing philosophical viewpoint. He's dying so why shouldn't the guy who killed him die as well?

See? See you in hell is the type of thing you say to someone you're intending to kill.

Cassidy realizes Black Lightning is dying and how the fuck can he go on with the sassy name of Delightning if his partner dies. I guess Lightning is still trapped somewhere in The Red. If he finds her, he could keep up the nickname. But it would probably be easier to save Jefferson Pierce. With that in mind (yes, he contemplated all of that. It's so obvious), he slides back into the torn apart Blue Devil skin and it reattaches. Now he has enough magic to destroy the monster scabs and illegally hunt Whale and send Nebiros back to hell and heal Black Lightning and untie Black Lightning's dad and massage his wrists and get him a glass of water.

Says the gigantic green demon from hell.

Except he apparently doesn't have the time or the power to save Black Lightning from death. But Nebiros does. So Blue Devil makes a deal with Nebiros: Nebiros will heal Black Lightning if Blue Devil lets Nebiros live. Blue Devil accepts. Now Blue Devil has even more reason to have his own comic book. He's got a warehouse full of dangerous yet humiliated magical artifacts that can cause a lot of trouble and he's got an arch-enemy that wants him killed. And, of course, if he allows Black Lightning to tag along, the comic can be called Delightning. We all win! And by we I mean me.

Black Lightning is revived but he's a complete douchebag now. Nebiros added a twist of evil to him when he brought him back. But isn't that always the way? There's a cost to this stuff and nothing ever comes back the same. You reap what you sow and then the cat fucking stinks to high heaven. All of that stuff. But Blue Devil isn't going to let Nebiros get away with it! He decides to back out on his deal as well. Although technically Nebiros didn't back out. And I guess technically Blue Devil isn't either! He's letting Nebiros go but in the body of Tobias Whale.

I'm not sure what he did with Tobias Whale's soul. It might have been stored in his trident.

Everything works out for the people things are supposed to work out for (not counting Dan Cassidy's grandfather who is still dead). And the issue ends with "The Beginning!" Oh, how terribly trite.

DC Universe Presents #16: Black Lightning and Blue Devil Rating: No change. I would have enjoyed more funny dialogue in this series but, hey, you can't be funny all the time! Look at my blog. 1000 posts and maybe 5% make me really laugh. And entertaining myself is the most important thing in the world. And I don't just mean my world. All you slackers out there on Earth need to get busy entertaining me. Stop being so boring! The people I follow on Tumblr and those that follow me and/or comment on my commentaries are excluded from the "boring" label because you are entertaining me. And I thank you!

Besides the not being as funny as I would have liked, this comic did a lot of things right. Minus the Kid Flash episode, the stories in DC Universe Presents have been very good at telling a concise story introducing characters to the New 52 and setting up a broader storyline that can continue to be told in the future. "The Beginning" ending might very well be trite but it is reasonably true as well. There was a lot of material presented in this three issue arc that could easily be mined to support an ongoing monthly series. Good job!

Nightwing #16

Dick puts the "muse" in adult entertainment.

In this issue, Nightwing confronts the Joker in amusement mile and ends up captured and at the Joker's mercy as the Joker teases him with a glimpse of what is under the cover of his serving tray.
That's also what happens in Red Hood but change out the hero's name and the location. That's also what happens in Teen Titans but change out the hero's name and the location again. So that's three comic books I don't even need to comment on since they're all running the same formulaic plot simply to get all of the Bat-family to The Joker's party in Batman #17.

What am I going to do with all of this free time now that I've done three commentaries in two paragraphs? Maybe I'll put on some pants and go outside!

Ugh. No. I think I'll just stay inside and read comic books.

The introduction to Nightwing sounds ominous. "But when the boy became a man, he left the Batcave and now serves his own brand of justice!" This sounds like the origin of some guy that was sexually assaulted as a child and then became some kind of Punisher-type anti-hero that goes around castrating sexual predators. Or is that just me? Was that interpretation more about me than the actual quote? Was that a bit of a "My Last Duchess" moment? Maybe I should just move on.

Nightwing heads back to Amusement Mile in a panic that The Joker has the little girl from Haly's Circus held hostage. Oh, along with everybody else from the circus as well. It's just that Nightwing promised the little girl that he'd keep them all safe and, well, it would be really awkward to have to look her in the eye at this point. Unless she's already been killed. That would be a relief.

The Joker is the perfect foil to Batman since he can also be in fifteen places at once. Maybe this is just a prerecorded message while he marries Babs and torments Damian with the local karate instructor.

The Joker has dug up hundreds of corpses and had them arranged in the stadium at Amusement Mile. Dick still believes that The Joker knows his secret identity and he still thinks it's Batman's fault and that Batman has been lying to the entire Bat-family. But The Joker reveals that the stuff he knows about Nightwing is stuff anybody paying attention could have figured out. Nightwing has appeared in every major city that Haly's Circus was currently in. That's a bit of a clue that he's tied to the circus, isn't it? It also explains why The Joker would choose Raya as the Nightwing knockoff without The Joker having to know Dick and Raya's relationship.

What is it about Dick and Bruce that makes them constantly do public things as their alter egos that links them to their secret identities? Batman and Wayne Enterprises are inextricably bound together because of Batman, Inc. Nightwing has now made his associations with Haly's Circus pretty obvious to someone paying close enough attention. The main reason for having a secret identity is to protect the normal people in your life. By having any kind of public connection to any person or corporation, it puts them at risk. So Batman dealing with Bruce Wayne's company puts everybody at Bruce Wayne's company at risk just as much as if a criminal knew Batman was Bruce Wayne. Which is why Alfred was kidnapped. And the same thing has now happened with Dick and Haly's Circus. The Joker doesn't have to know that Dick Grayson is Nightwing to hurt the people close to Dick because Dick has made the connection between Nightwing and Haly's Circus obvious by having too close of ties with them.

That was convoluted. But the point is simple: super heroes that have secret identities need to remain completely cut off from all public associations. It's like Alcoholics Anonymous! They remain free from any ties to any politics or corporations or anything that could sully their simple message of helping people manage their lives. I have some philosophical issues with Alcoholics Anonymous but I admire that they try to remain self-contained and don't get involved in other bullshit. Well, maybe some chapters do! You can't speak for every group when every group is self-funded and run independently from the larger organization.

And then The Joker decides to shut the fuck up and get serious for a second.

Goodbye Amusement Mile! Goodbye dream! Goodbye Dick Grayson's trust fund!

Is this a good enough message for you, Nightwing? The Joker doesn't fucking want you in town. Batman is his. And anyway, was this really such a good idea? I was expecting the Ferris Wheel to be turned into a giant, rolling, flaming wheel of death at some point. But so soon? Come on, Dick. This is still Gotham. You knew it would end this way. Give up on dreaming, big boy. It's a dead end! It's a sucker's game! Just tuck your little birdie tail between your legs and slouch off to The Joker's surprise party for Batman. Dick Grayson's life as you knew it is over.

Except you probably got the insurance, right? Even though I'm sure Insane Super Villain Insurance Premiums are probably sky high in Gotham. But I bet you couldn't even begin improvements on Amusement Mile until you had the insurance! So after Death of the Family blows over, you can probably rebuild the park. But you might have a little trouble rebuilding the trust between yourself and your Haly's Circus family.

Thankfully, Dick probably won't have to deal with rebuilding that trust.

Awkward!

Kyle Higgins is really playing this as if The Joker knows who Nightwing is. And I believe he does because Nightwing hasn't made a terrible effort to separate his Nightwing persona from Dick Grayson's interests. Maybe it was Nightwing's fault that The Joker figured out everybody's identity! Because it isn't difficult to go from learning Bruce's ward is Nightwing to Bruce is Batman.

Oh for fuck's sake! It isn't difficult for anyone to realize Bruce Wayne is Batman! I'd be surprised if The Joker as well as 85% of Gotham didn't already know! And meanwhile Superman is teaching Wonder Woman how to have a secret identity by wearing glasses and putting her hair in a pony tail! How naive are these assholes?

Dick's Jokerized friends incapacitate him and he's hauled off by The Joker to what looks like it could be the Batcave. And then he's presented with the secret entrée that nobody ordered.

If there's a steak under there, it had better be from Alfred's flank and not Batcow's!

Nightwing #16 Rating: No change. This issue makes it pretty clear that if The Joker doesn't know the Bat-family's secret identities, he's not really making an effort to think things through. He knows Nightwing's connection to Haly's Circus so he knows Nightwing and Dick Grayson are connected. He obviously knows Batman's connection to Bruce Wayne enough to kidnap Alfred. He knows where Red Robin lives in New York. He knows that Jason Todd spends his time on an island amidst the wreckage of a Tamaranian starship. And he seems to know that Batgirl has a connection to the Gordons. Seems like The Joker might know something!

At this point, it's just ridiculous that everyone blames Batman because The Joker somehow found his way into the Batcave. The connections between Bruce Wayne and the other members of the Bat-family are so fucking obvious that somebody as obsessed with The Batman as The Joker would eventually figure it out. Anybody with the ability to count could figure out Bruce Wayne and his wards/adopted children/whatever were Batman and his Robins! Right?

I know, I know! I allow myself to say things like this as if I were a civilian who doesn't get it. But of course I do! I'm a comic book reader! I absolutely allow myself to believe that the secret identity is a thing that only other good heroes could ever figure out. As readers, we all accept, unquestioningly, that bad guys suck at noticing that stuff! Even Lex Luthor is too dumb to notice (or else he just doesn't have any fucking clue who Clark Kent is!). So having The Joker possibly know their identities has actually been a fun story. Although the more likely it seems he knows, the less I want to believe it! I keep hoping that somehow Scott Snyder is going to show how The Joker was able to do everything he did without knowing their identities and it will all make sense!

Blue Beetle #16

In this issue, Sky Wanker is squicked to death by Blue Beetle.

One of the strangest parts of commenting on comics is that the audience for comic books has a high nerd content. The nerd part isn't the problem. We're all totally nerdy about something and I fit into most of the major categories. The problem is the propensity to inform and correct. A lot of the time, I go for a joke by pretending to be ignorant of some given fact. Sometimes it's obvious and sometimes it's subtle. But people feel the need to correct me anyway. Even when I use exclamation points! That's usually a clue that I'm being facetious! But it isn't always! Sometimes it just means I'm trying to be exciting!

I just thought I would point out that the previous happens a lot. It doesn't bother me and I wouldn't want people to stop either! Because sometimes I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about and I appreciate the correction! That exclamation point means that I totally don't appreciate the correction at all and who says I don't know shit? Stop talking about me behind my computer screen, you gossipy jerks! Now I need to think of some way to pretend I didn't just spaz out and begin writing about Blue Beetle.

Maybe if I just post a picture. That should get things started!

How about one of me in the most awesome shirt ever about 33 years ago? I've been a big science fiction nerd for longer than most of your parents have been alive! Somebody should have told this kid to stop fucking around!

As you can see by the shirt, this child would probably have loved the Blue Beetle comic. And then he would have cried his eyes out when he was told it was cancelled. Well, you little shit. It's over! Blue Beetle is cancelled! Live with it because what else can you do? Rage, rage against the canceling of this brilliant comic book. Possibly the best comic book DC ever released!

It's amazing how beautiful things look through the foggy glass of imminent loss. Even Legion Lost's last issue was kind of decent!

This issue begins deep in the past. It's creating a fond nostalgia for things the reader has never really experienced. But with endings on the reader's mind, he can't help but feel the loss of a more innocent time, a time when Jaime's life was easy and carefree.

When I was that little boy in the earlier picture, I used to go out in our driveway at night with a flashlight and shine it up into the sky. I would wonder at how far the light was traveling into the sky. I obviously couldn't see the beam going up too far but I would wonder where it was going. Was my tiny diffuse beam even penetrating space? And then I would inevitably wonder who might be seeing it. Were there alien beings taking notice of my signal? And if so, would they investigate? What might their intentions be? And then I'd click off the flashlight and run up the stairs and into the house, my skin covered in gooseflesh. But no matter how frightened the speculation made me, I would invariably wind up outside with my flashlight doing the same thing days later.

Jaime is currently dressed in his Blue Beetle armor far away from Earth on the planet Tolerance. He's been captured by Lady Styx's Ebon Guard and is about to be forced to participate in the greatest reality show in the universe: The Hunted! Jaime is not very excited about the sudden fame and lack of fortune.

I can't even say he hasn't met the right aliens yet. They almost all really, really suck.

Blue Beetle puts up a fight but it doesn't do much good. He's just a below average high school student and the parasitic bug that's attached to his spine is brain damaged. So their tactics could use some work. Plus, Jaime never wanted to fight, remember? Oh, you don't remember because I didn't scan that panel in. Well, lying on the grass, Jaime said he didn't want to fight and Brenda told him not to ever change. Probably because she liked having him as a friend and if he changed, he'd probably turn into a hormonal pervert that was constantly thinking of her really cute ass. And her freckles too. Although Marcio Takara has something against drawing freckles. Whatever.

As Blue Beetle begins to realize he's being inducted in an outer space version of Battle Royale (Good choice, Jaime! Screw The Hunger Games! Although I haven't it yet or seen the movie), Sky Wanker drops in and starts whooping some Ebon Guard ass! I'm pretty sure they have asses. If they don't, I don't want to know how they eliminate waste. Maybe through the pores in their skin which is why they're a dark blackish blue color?

Meanwhile on Earth, Marcio remembers the freckles!

She's so cute! Not as cute as Ig Guara's version of her. And not as adorable as Sorentino's Vampire Tig! Please nobody tell Vampire Tig that I was admiring another woman!

That's everybody Jaime knows receiving emails and video recordings and texts from him. I don't know what that's about. Maybe the Scarab is letting them all know that Jaime is dead so that they'll leave him alone once and for all and the Scarab can manipulate Jaime into destroying the world. Or maybe somebody stole Jaime's phone (probably Booster Gold! Fucking time traveling thief!).

Once Sky Wanker saves Blue Beetle, Sky Wanker ends up in a couple dozen pecks of trouble. And Blue Beetle can't leave another human to be torn apart by aliens. Even if that other human is thousands of years old and should be dead and is in love with a suit of alien armor and keeps wanting to shove the scarab into one of his various orifices. It really has gotten nearly that graphic.

Maybe Jaime can introduce Sky Walker to his grandmother?

The message to Jaime's friends and family was from Blue Beetle letting them know that Jaime is not dead and that he'll be home as soon as he can. He tells them all that he loves them and to take care of themselves. So of course instead of being comforted, everybody is now extremely worried for Jaime. And they should be. Because Sky Wanker is killed and Blue Beetle's battle doesn't turn out so well.

I bet I forget to slap Ted Kord's face on him when he begins appearing in Threshold!

Blue Beetle #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. This series was wrapped up really well. Sure Jaime is still stuck a gadzooksillion miles in space and his family is worried and Brenda didn't show her ass once in this comic book. But it's nice to see a comic book end on such a downer while being true to everything that has gone before. And Blue Beetle will continue in Threshold! I hope Tony Bedard continues to write any Blue Beetle back-up stories when they appear. I don't imagine he'll get the top spot in any issues any time soon since his comic book was canceled and readers might not look too kindly on DC sneaking a canceled super hero directly into a new title.

Bye Brenda! I'll miss you!