Batman #17

Come on, come on! All I want to know is what was on the platter!

Let the party begin! I need a glass of sake for this! I'd get a cupcake as well but I'm currently out of cupcakes. Cupcakes don't last very long in my house. Not because the air in my house causes things to spoil and decompose rapidly! Because I eat them! Sheesh. How could I keep the corpse of my mother fresh and lively if the air quickly degraded organic items? Duh!

So I'll have to do without snacks. But not without sake! Mmm! Okay Joker! Finish your fucking joke, mother fucker!

It's Valentine's Day and that's the second time I've mentioned Mother. I guess I'll be moving up the psychiatric appointment this week.

I hope Joker gives us the name of his two-faced cat. And I hope it's not Little Two-face.

First things first: everybody has a platter. That's something that I didn't realize until the final Teen Titans Death of the Family crossover. And unless Alfred had six penises, I have a feeling my guess as to what was on the serving tray was wrong. Second, they're in a cave. It doesn't look like the Batcave because I don't see a dinosaur or a giant penny anywhere. But there are pipes or flooring of some kind on the ceiling above them. Batman did say that if The Joker got into the system of tunnels that led to the Batcave that the tunnels led to caves under many other Gotham houses. Perhaps The Joker found his way to under one of those and believed that person was Batman? Perhaps the things under the covered serving trays are the identities of people that would fit if Batman were the person The Joker thinks he is? Could it be that easy of a misunderstanding? Or, since I don't see Alfred, could it be as gruesome as many people expect?

The Joker has booby trapped the table and Batman's chair so that if he moves, flint will spark and ignite his gasoline covered Batfamily. So now he just has to sit and watch as The Joker reveals what's under the serving tray. I'm so fucking nervous! Joker mentions that Alfred is around and then moves as if he's going to uncover the platter! Oh no!

I knew he wasn't dead! Really! I totes knew it! Now let's see if DC has the balls to let Batman kill The Joker! Or will Batman simply stop the others from killing him, thus garnering hate and resent from the Batfamily and killing their relationships? Thus, Death of the Family!

Alfred removes the hoods from everyone and exposes the Batfamily with bloody bandages around their faces. And then Alfred serves everyone their dinner.

But first! What exactly does all this mean? The Joker removes his face only to come back but wearing his own face as if it's actually a mask now instead of who he is. And now he's unmasking the other heroes. But these heroes don't need to remove their faces to be unmasked, so my guess is he simply bandaged up their real faces as if removing their costume masks were a wound akin to his. Joker removing his face is all about identity. Is he a different person underneath his now removed face? Is Batman still Batman when the mask is removed? Or is Batman nobody The Joker cares about? It's all about the mask and they all know it. It's a game they play and every single one of them at this table is the mask they wear. Not one of them is a real person when the mask is put away. They're shadows of who they really are. And why would The Joker care about the shadows?

So what's under the covered platters? Their masks, bloody and torn? Or cupcakes (which is my real guess and has been for awhile now!)?

Or you know. Real faces with their masks on them.

Now I'm not yet ready to believe these are their real faces! I'm just too cynical for that. I'm sure The Joker had other victims and used their faces. But the faces are on ice, so maybe they are! Once The Joker is defeated and Alfred is unJokerfied, Alfred can mix up a really strong batch of tea and get back to sewing faces on Batfamily members.

The Joker doesn't have the best reason for why he cut off his face and the faces of the rest of the Bats. It's a bit of a Catch-22 moment where The Joker is playing the part of Snowden and his guts falling out to Yossarian's horror at the realization of how fragile we are. But the point The Joker gets to after the why of the cutting off of the faces . . . now that begins to cut at the meat of it.

Please let Batman kill The Joker. Please! That would be the greatest reason for the Reboot! And it might be the greatest evidence for The New 52 Haters that the old universe will eventually come back. Because how can a DC Universe exist without The Joker? Amirite?

The Joker continues to taunt Batman, explaining how Batman must love him since he kept so many secrets between them. And then he produces the little book he's been carrying around during this whole crossover. The thing that caused me to say this in my Batgirl #14 commentary when I was pretending to be The Joker writing in Bab's Diary (although I changed it midway to James writing in the Diary without missing a beat): "Did you know The Bat keeps a diary? Well, of sorts. Kind of a testament sort of thing. What would happen if that ever fell into the wrong hands, hmm? My oh my. Wouldn’t that cause a mighty ruckus?" And it looks like that was just the sort of thing The Joker found.

It seemed to me at the time that the only thing Batman could possibly write that would expose who the other Batfamily members were was Bruce Wayne's will. Thus the "testament sort of thing" comment. I don't know that this is what that is yet.

At this point, The Joker threatens to ignite everyone at the table. But first he gives Batman a chance to do it himself. Which Batman does by throwing his chair to the ground and breaking free as everyone at the table bursts into flames. But Batman knows the caves too well. He blows a hole in the ceiling allowing river water to begin flooding the chamber and put out the flames. He rushes to Damian and rips off the bandages to see if he's okay.

"I'm not crying! It's just river water dripping from the ceiling!"

The Joker runs and Batman refuses to go after him. He'd rather stay to protect his Family. But Nightwing insists that they'll be okay, so Batman does what he really wanted to do anyway and chases after The Joker. In the meantime, The Joker's cat blows up and the entire Batfamily sucks down a healthy dose of Joker Toxin. I guess now the party has really started!

Batman chases after The Joker and The Joker keeps trying to retain the upper hand. But he's lost it now. Batman won't let him get away while Bats goes back to save the others because Batman trusts the others. Batman refuses to "dance" with The Joker. Batman refuses to "quarrel" with The Joker. Batman finally refuses to do any of this on The Joker's terms. So The Joker tries once more to get away.

Now Batman is either going to actually kill him or sit him down and give him a rational, coldly logical, unarguable reason as to why he refuses to kill him. I'm a pacifist but I'm still hoping for the former! Kill him! Kill him dead! Make the Reboot mean something!

Or maybe Batman just decides he knows a better joke?

The best moment of last week's comics was when Frankenstein became Green Lantern in Animal Man #17. This is the best moment so far in this week's comics (even if this is the first of this week's comics I've read!). I think I should do a weekly feature highlighting my favorite panel each week. That's the kind of listy, best-of type thing internet ravens really go for!

The Joker cannot stand to hear who he really is. That isn't him anyway. And knowing Batman knows would ruin the game for The Joker. It really is all about masks. Who they actually are? It doesn't matter. And so he couldn't bear knowing Batman knows him in any other form than The Joker. So he shocks Batman in the face and falls into the chasm. He loses his face as he falls, so I don't know what he'll look like when he returns.

Batman heads back to find that The Joker's little book has nothing in it at all. He never knew anybody's secret identities. Therefore Scott Lobdell's stories made no fucking sense. Although Snyder could have told the other writers that it doesn't matter whether The Joker knows their identities or not because The Joker really doesn't fucking care about that shit. So perhaps the other writers were free to be as ambiguous as they wanted to be. Although you could tell Lobdell was trying to be ambiguous like when Jason Todd suddenly realized The Joker was calling him "son" and "boy". But it was too late at that point. The ambiguity was long since killed because The Joker found Jason Todd as Jason Todd in a way that could only have made it Jason Todd The Joker was after. Anyway, that's all sorted and done with. Now the Batman simply heads back to find the Batfamily still stoned on Joker Juice but fighting through the crazy, cuddled up and laughing and holding each other lovingly.

And days pass as everyone recovers.

More awesome stuff with Alfred Pennyworth. Does he steal every scene he's in or what?

Bruce tries to call a meeting but everyone blows him off with notes and texts. Dick is the only one to speak to him directly.

I guess The Joker said some pretty nasty things!

Batman #17 Rating: No change. And so it ends much the way I thought. I'd hoped for Bats to kill The Joker but instead The Joker sort of kills himself. I mean, it looks like he does. It's totes obvs he'll be back. But he did manage to cause a rift in the Family so that everyone is off pouting in hurt and resentment and wanting nothing to do with Bruce. Yeah. We'll see how long that lasts! I don't remember which commentary I first surmised this would happen but I do remember mentioning Dick would be the only one mature enough to not fall for it. And he's a bit hurt and all but at least he can speak with Batman and accept his apology. Man, I really like who Dick Grayson has become.

Teen Titans #16

Pretty sure this is also his first laugh as well.

Someday I'd like to meet Scott Lobdell and have a beer with him. On that day, I'd apologize to him. I'd apologize for the fact that I was never, ever going to stop pointing out how badly he writes comic books. Of course there is a flip side to this promise! I also promise to never stop pointing out how well he writes comic books. Except that part has yet to happen so it seems like I'm completely biased against him. Now he has written a few good scenes but one or two scenes doesn't constitute a comic book. I have a feeling Scott likes the idea of writing comic books more than he likes the act of writing. He probably likes coming up with characters and possible conflicts but then he doesn't like having to write them in an interesting and believable way (I use believable in a very loose sense since I am talking about comic books here). Instead he writes a bunch of omniscient characters who seem to know how everything will turn out. But maybe this issue will be different!

If this issue doesn't begin with Character X saying, "My name is Character X!", I will comment on the comic book as if it's the best thing I've ever read. I know that's more of a Tom DeFalco thing but with Lobdell plotting and Nicieza doing dialogue, I have a feeling he might come through for me here.

Nooo! Goddammit! This is going to be the hardest commentary I've ever written!

This is a really fantastic opening scene. Red Robin was conscious last we saw him in Teen Titans but The Joker always poisons everybody so it was just a matter of time before the drugs kicked in and he fell unconscious. That's probably when Red Hood dropped into the pit. And then in Red Hood and the Outlaws #16, we saw the Joker put drugs on the inside of the Red Hood mask he put on Jason Todd. So that's why Jason Todd is now lying motionless next to Red Robin probably Narration Boxing away as well except we don't get to see what he's thinking right now because this isn't his stupid comic book. But what's really fantastic about this scene is how smart it shows Tim Drake is. Just in case somebody is nearby reading his mind, he adds Bruce Wayne to the list of people that The Joker is trying to break to punish Batman. Although why would Batman care about Alfred? I guess he probably likes the way he makes Batman's tea when Batman comes to visit Bruce at Wayne Manor to discuss money.

I wonder if by the next page, Jason Todd will be back on his feet and feeling groovy since he's immune to all kinds of paralytics thanks to the All Caste! And since Scott Lobdell wrote that comic, he'll remember that point and use it to his advantage!

The next couple of pages are thankfully filled with Narration Boxes to help the reader understand the character's motivations and to help the reader understand the art that he's looking at. It's good to know that Tim Drake wouldn't want anybody else at his side when confronting The Joker or this box that makes me tear up just thinking about it:

I know that Jason Todd was dead before Tim Drake ever even approached Batman to be the next Robin so it's nice to know that they became close after Jason Todd came back from the dead. This is a really heartfelt moment.

Well, maybe the few times they did talk, they really, really bonded!

The Joker comes in and tells some hilarious jokes to the unconscious heroes although some of them must have been too smart for me because I didn't quite understand them. Some of the words he uses were too complicated for me as well, like "lonliness." But I could tell it was probably The Joker's best material in the entire Death of the Family run because The Joker was really cracking himself up.

Red Hood still wasn't moving but he must have kicked the toxin and was just waiting for his chance to strike. I'm certain Lobdell couldn't have forgotten what he wrote in Red Hood and the Outlaws #15 since I hadn't forgotten it and I didn't write it at all. Scott Lobdell is always so consistent in the way he approaches causality!

But The Joker doesn't have time to wait for Red Hood to ambush him so he dumps a bunch of water on them and that shocks them out of the effects of the drugs! Boy, that's good to know that's a thing so the next time I throw one of my heroin-and-cocaine-fueled get-togethers, I'll keep some buckets of water ready to splash on anybody that overdoses.

Pre-Harvest Tim Drake always has a plan! Yes, there is enough ambiguity in Legion Lost #16's reveal that one one-millionth of Captain Atom is actually Harvest for me to continue to believe it's Tim Drake, dammit!

After waking them up, The Joker reveals his big surprise! He has two men with potato sacks on their heads tied up in the room with the Reds! And they have signs around their necks that make the Reds believe that these are their fathers! Oh no! Would Red Hood even care about this? I was actually hoping for Jason Todd's little brother in Joker make-up. Yes, another thing I believe that doesn't have any supporting evidence is that The Joker took Jason Todd's mother's unborn baby (now borned by The Joker!) before he killed her and raised it himself. Because Jason Todd's mother was either pregnant or fat just before she overdosed and since she was skinny when Jason Todd found her dead, it must have been a baby. Or really bad gas.

Meanwhile the Titans and Outlaws are trying to figure out what they should do next when Scott Lobdell treats us to one of his perfectly timed and tension filled single-panel foreshadows!

What makes you think he's interested in the Titans, Solstice? It's you he turned human for a few seconds so he could ogle you naked.

The page after this is a Kurt Lance plot point page! And it turns out he is interested in the entire team because Waller is interested in the entire team. Why does DC have such a boner for Amanda Waller? They won't be happy until she's running every fucking group in the DCnU. But before Kurt can finish his thought about how they could make the Teen Titans useful, he's attacked by a corpse!

Does everybody in The New 52 have a resurrection machine? Do they all have their own Samsara Projects? Because Harley Quinn killed Grey Lora and she killed Grey Lora in events that happened before Death of the Family. Which means Basilisk can resurrect people. Which means Regulus is far from dead.

I don't know who blasted Kurt Lance into unconsciousness but it was probably Regulus.

The page after Kurt Lance is felled is about Trigon and Raven. That's smart! Scott Lobdell knows that this issue is all about getting Red Hood and Red Robin to The Joker's Batman party and he doesn't need a lot of space to do that. So instead of filling pages with The Joker telling mean-spirited yet hilarious jokes, Scott Lobdell takes the time to hint at a bunch of future plots. One of which is Trigon sending Raven to Earth, probably to fulfill a plan that's already totally planned and pretty much going to come to pass no matter what anybody does because Trigon's already thought through all of the possibilities and taken necessary precautions against failure.

Wow. Raven's new costume is awful...ly amazing! Wow! The feathers blocking her features are just an insipid feature! I mean inspired! Stupid auto correct!

Back to the Reds, The Joker makes them fight each other to the death. Whichever one lives gets to keep his father. While Tim Drake is busy telling the Joker they aren't going to fight each other, Jason Todd is busy trying to fill Tim Drake full of bullets. While fighting, Red Robin figures out how to beat the Joker. He breaks the window the Joker is watching them through with his Inertron wings and yells, "Hood--now!!" Jason Todd picks up his gun and blows The Joker away.

And that's the end of The Death of the Family!

No, no! Of course it isn't! Scott Snyder has one more issue to show how The Joker didn't know everybody's secret identity even though it's really hard to believe he didn't know after some of these Death of the Family spin-off stories. The Joker obviously knew Red Robin and Red Hood would come up with this plan and he knew exactly when they would do it too! So at the last moment, he switched his body with a body full of knock out gas (the special kind that the All Caste didn't teach Jason Todd to be immune to) and he catches the former Robins with their mouths open. They fall unconscious and he drags them off to the party in the Batcave. Since it really looks like the party is in the Batcave, I guess the Joker knows some secrets!

This issue ends not with The Joker holding one covered serving tray but two. So has there been a serving tray for every member of the Bat-family? I was simply assuming there was only one. That kind of changes up what could be under each one. My guess is cupcakes.

The Teen Titans #16 Rating: +One Million Rankings! Fantastic. Great job. Kudos. I can't wait until the next issue when I haven't lost a bet with myself!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #16

When did Starfire's cup size change?

Last issue I was slightly upset with Scott Lobdell's writing. I guess I'm just not used to the meta-fiction he writes. I prefer my stories to "make sense" and have a "narrative structure" with a "coherent plot" and "motivated characters." Instead I just get haphazard dialogue and inconsistent Narration Boxes shoved into a story that changes from page to page and lacks even a tenuous connection to logic. I think you have to be either very much smarter than me or very much dumber than me to enjoy his writing. And if you're very much smarter than me, what the fuck are you doing wasting your time reading Scott Lobdell comic books? You should be curing medical conditions that someone with my limited intelligence can't even spell. Actually, I might be able to spell them if I knew any actual medical conditions. Pemphagus. Nope. Can't spell them since it's apparently Pemphigus. But I don't feel so bad since Spell Check doesn't know how to spell it either! Ha ha! You're stupid, Spell Check!

Jason Todd was captured by The Joker last issue except The Joker ended up with Red Hood. It makes sense if you squint your brain just right. Jason's date, Isabel, died from a forced overdose by The Joker (just like The Joker did to Todd's mom!) which was probably a good thing because she knew Red Hood's identity and the whole issue in Death of the Family is the danger of random people knowing their identities. That was a close call, Lobdell! The next gigantic crossover could have dealt with Isabel realizing that Bruce Wayne was Batman and blabbing it all over Pinterest. Anyway, Jason Todd believed The Joker knew his identity because he was able to find him at Isabel's house. But then The Joker revealed that he knew more about Jason Todd's life than he should have known and Red Hood began to doubt The Joker knew anything at all. Again, you kind of have to tilt your brain a little to the right and squeeze your right hemisphere shut a bit until you feel like you're about to pass out, and then blink rapidly and shake your head three times and you should see how it makes sense.

So by the end of Red Hood #15, Red Hood and Red Robin were stuck in a pit with The Joker laughing at them while Starfire and Roy Harper were playing Big Brother and Big Sister to the newer Teen Titans. And that's probably where this comic book should begin but I'm not holding my breath. Unless that would help the story make sense?

Wait a second. This is how Superboy always begins! Is Tom DeFalco writing this? I knew he and Scott Lobdell were the same person!

So Roy Harper (Speedy when the mask is on) judges books by their dirty clothing and scraggly beards, does he? Why would he just assume these Jokers are homeless people and not just thugs? Is it because they're missing teeth? Because that could be from poor dental hygiene or Batman. I would have never thought they were homeless. I live in Portland and these Jokers are dressed way too shabbily to be any homeless person I've ever seen. Although they do look like the regulars at my local $1 Pint PBR dive bar.

Occasionally something Scott Lobdell writes makes me laugh. Now, I don't know how many other people might think the next panel I'm going to scan is funny. But I enjoyed the first three speech bubbles seeing as how I can't stop thinking of Roy Harper as anything but Speedy.

He kind of loses me in the next panel when Wonder Girl says, "Belay that order."

The beginning of this fight is a four panel double page spread. The last three panels are all dialogue while the first panel has a bunch of Roy Harper's horrible Narration Boxes. Why hasn't anybody told Scott Lobdell that his shit works better when he isn't over-explaining everything in a snarky Lobdell-version-of-a-teenaged voice? I think all of Lobdell and DeFalco's comic scripts would be better without the Narration Boxes. I wonder if I can get my comic book store owner to black out all of the Narration Boxes on Superboy and Teen Titans and Red Hood?

Ahh! Much better! You can still follow the story and you don't ever need to know what fucking Roy Harper was thinking about. Especially in that last panel. Ugh.

After Wonder Girl and Kid Flash lock the homeless Jokers in the abandoned building with absolutely no other ways out at all, Roy Harper begins his next speech with "Guys, no one says we have to like each other." How come it always comes down to that? Especially in Lobdell and DeFalco's books? Nobody ever appreciates help from someone else. Is this the way it is in their world? I bet Grant Morrison once tried offering Lobdell tips on how to write and he just shot back, "I don't need career counseling from a guy with an accent!" and "I was doing fine before you got here!" And then maybe DeFalco was all, "If I might, Awesome Lobdell? Anyone that has lived this long doing drugs and fucking with magic must have something going on." And Grant Morrison was all, "Fuck yeah, yeh fecking cunt!"

The previous parts of Scott Lobdell, Grant Morrison, and Tom DeFalco as played by The Teen Titans and The Outlaws.

Oh! I got sidetracked with that fake Lobdell and Morrison conversation which I stole from Lobdell's text. I was going to scan in this next picture but now I had to write these couple of lines so that I didn't have two pictures scanned in one right on top of the other. Anyway, the Teen Titans agree to follow Speedy's lead and ask him what the plan is.

Which causes Starfire to masturbate her face. Judging by her exclamation of "Mother of X'hal," she finishes quicker than I do.

Roy actually does have a plan because he took a stool sample from one of the homeless people and quickly analyzed it. What he learned was that they could counteract the Joker Toxin if they hurried and that poo tastes really, really bad. Roy and Bunker remain behind to keep the Joker Bums corralled while the rest of the gang head off to make the cure. While they're gone, Roy Harper enjoys remembering a memory that was taken from him by that little kid S'aru back in Red Hood and the Outlaws #3. I guess maybe the little kid just took the beginning of the memory when Roy tried to get Killer Croc to kill him and Croc realized Roy was trying to commit suicide by Killer Croc and refused to participate. That part of the memory was taken from Roy. So now Roy remembers being severely injured for some unknown reason and hanging out with Killer Croc for some reason. And instead of being mean and nasty, Killer Croc was giving Roy Toyman's old lab on one condition:

Actually, you were. I mean, you always looked monster-like. It could be the fact that you were bullied due to your skin condition that you became a metaphorical monster.

While the others are flying off to get the cure, Starfire and Solstice have a typical Lobdell moment where he sets up a future plot by setting up nothing. Lobdell (and DeFalco but that's redundant because they're obviously the same guy) loves to set up mysteries by having a single panel where somebody says, "I have a gigantic secret!" and that's it. Or, "Should I tell the others before the world is destroyed?!" And that's it. Or, "I hope nobody ever finds out about that thing I did that one time when that other thing was going on and everyone was doing that third thing!" And that's it.

And that's it. My guess: they were lovers. But isn't that always my guess? How does The Joker know Batman's secret identity? They were lovers. How did Supergirl recognize Krypto? They were lovers. How come Dick Grayson never mentions Starfire? They were lovers. See? Sometimes it works!

When the Titans and the Outlaws get to the cure, they find The Joker has already anticipated that they'd figure it out and try to get it. That makes sense since he'd already figured out that the Teen Titans would contact Batgirl and that Batgirl would send them to a specific location and that Kid Flash would run around that location and spread the Joker Toxin which turned the bums into Jokers and then The Joker anticipated that Speedy and Starfire would arrive and that Speedy would figure out the cure to the toxin and where it would be located and that they would go to get it and arrive within two seconds of the bomb he left to go off! Which also means The Joker already knew Kid Flash was there so he knew Kid Flash would rescue the cure and his friends and then they'd be able to save the homeless people. So The Joker didn't want to hurt Gotham City's homeless! He actually has a soft spot for somebody! That's the closest thing to a logical conclusion you'll get in this commentary.

Meanwhile in St. Louis, Hugo Strange is signing his book, What's so Strange About Being Happy?. I guess that's Lobdell's teaser for the next Red Hood story line. But don't think that when he wrote this page he had any idea where the story was going! He likes to be surprised by himself. It's boring to plot out stories. Why would you keep writing the end of a story if you already knew how the story ended? Duh!

Remember how I concluded that The Joker loves the homeless? Well the cure was already packaged in syringes and ready for Kid Flash to inject them into all of the victims (as long as Arsenal didn't shove them all into his veins first). Wonder Girl makes sure Kid Flash gets the job done and Speedy is impressed.

Why Lobdell? Why must all of your characters be such fucking huge cocks?

Oh! Oh! I can answer that last question! It's because Scott Lobdell only knows how to write one character! I bet you thought I was going to make a Scott Lobdell loves huge cocks joke, didn't you? But that's not much of a joke. Everybody loves huge cocks! And speaking of huge cocks, here's one more before the end of the issue:

No. Stop it, Deathstroke. How many Blue Moons are there each year? You've done like fifty free missions already! I have lost so much fucking respect for you.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue didn't have much to do with Death of the Family, and that's okay. It was actually readable and I enjoyed most of it after I got done criticizing every fucking aspect of it. Like the characters that just have to be dicks to each other when they meet. And The Joker's improbable way of knowing every move the good guys are going to make. And the awful Narration Boxes that just detract from the comic and pull the reader out of the action. The good points? I like how Arsenal is feeling like a Big Brother to these Titans (even if they are being jerks). And a lot of the dialogue was actually well done (again, minus the rude and snarky bullshit). Take away Lobdell's lazy writing habits and this becomes a comic book that might actually go somewhere and be interesting. Plus it looks like one of the subplots is a Solstice/Starfire sexual relationship. I think that calls for it's own maxiseries.

Nightwing #16

Dick puts the "muse" in adult entertainment.

In this issue, Nightwing confronts the Joker in amusement mile and ends up captured and at the Joker's mercy as the Joker teases him with a glimpse of what is under the cover of his serving tray.
That's also what happens in Red Hood but change out the hero's name and the location. That's also what happens in Teen Titans but change out the hero's name and the location again. So that's three comic books I don't even need to comment on since they're all running the same formulaic plot simply to get all of the Bat-family to The Joker's party in Batman #17.

What am I going to do with all of this free time now that I've done three commentaries in two paragraphs? Maybe I'll put on some pants and go outside!

Ugh. No. I think I'll just stay inside and read comic books.

The introduction to Nightwing sounds ominous. "But when the boy became a man, he left the Batcave and now serves his own brand of justice!" This sounds like the origin of some guy that was sexually assaulted as a child and then became some kind of Punisher-type anti-hero that goes around castrating sexual predators. Or is that just me? Was that interpretation more about me than the actual quote? Was that a bit of a "My Last Duchess" moment? Maybe I should just move on.

Nightwing heads back to Amusement Mile in a panic that The Joker has the little girl from Haly's Circus held hostage. Oh, along with everybody else from the circus as well. It's just that Nightwing promised the little girl that he'd keep them all safe and, well, it would be really awkward to have to look her in the eye at this point. Unless she's already been killed. That would be a relief.

The Joker is the perfect foil to Batman since he can also be in fifteen places at once. Maybe this is just a prerecorded message while he marries Babs and torments Damian with the local karate instructor.

The Joker has dug up hundreds of corpses and had them arranged in the stadium at Amusement Mile. Dick still believes that The Joker knows his secret identity and he still thinks it's Batman's fault and that Batman has been lying to the entire Bat-family. But The Joker reveals that the stuff he knows about Nightwing is stuff anybody paying attention could have figured out. Nightwing has appeared in every major city that Haly's Circus was currently in. That's a bit of a clue that he's tied to the circus, isn't it? It also explains why The Joker would choose Raya as the Nightwing knockoff without The Joker having to know Dick and Raya's relationship.

What is it about Dick and Bruce that makes them constantly do public things as their alter egos that links them to their secret identities? Batman and Wayne Enterprises are inextricably bound together because of Batman, Inc. Nightwing has now made his associations with Haly's Circus pretty obvious to someone paying close enough attention. The main reason for having a secret identity is to protect the normal people in your life. By having any kind of public connection to any person or corporation, it puts them at risk. So Batman dealing with Bruce Wayne's company puts everybody at Bruce Wayne's company at risk just as much as if a criminal knew Batman was Bruce Wayne. Which is why Alfred was kidnapped. And the same thing has now happened with Dick and Haly's Circus. The Joker doesn't have to know that Dick Grayson is Nightwing to hurt the people close to Dick because Dick has made the connection between Nightwing and Haly's Circus obvious by having too close of ties with them.

That was convoluted. But the point is simple: super heroes that have secret identities need to remain completely cut off from all public associations. It's like Alcoholics Anonymous! They remain free from any ties to any politics or corporations or anything that could sully their simple message of helping people manage their lives. I have some philosophical issues with Alcoholics Anonymous but I admire that they try to remain self-contained and don't get involved in other bullshit. Well, maybe some chapters do! You can't speak for every group when every group is self-funded and run independently from the larger organization.

And then The Joker decides to shut the fuck up and get serious for a second.

Goodbye Amusement Mile! Goodbye dream! Goodbye Dick Grayson's trust fund!

Is this a good enough message for you, Nightwing? The Joker doesn't fucking want you in town. Batman is his. And anyway, was this really such a good idea? I was expecting the Ferris Wheel to be turned into a giant, rolling, flaming wheel of death at some point. But so soon? Come on, Dick. This is still Gotham. You knew it would end this way. Give up on dreaming, big boy. It's a dead end! It's a sucker's game! Just tuck your little birdie tail between your legs and slouch off to The Joker's surprise party for Batman. Dick Grayson's life as you knew it is over.

Except you probably got the insurance, right? Even though I'm sure Insane Super Villain Insurance Premiums are probably sky high in Gotham. But I bet you couldn't even begin improvements on Amusement Mile until you had the insurance! So after Death of the Family blows over, you can probably rebuild the park. But you might have a little trouble rebuilding the trust between yourself and your Haly's Circus family.

Thankfully, Dick probably won't have to deal with rebuilding that trust.

Awkward!

Kyle Higgins is really playing this as if The Joker knows who Nightwing is. And I believe he does because Nightwing hasn't made a terrible effort to separate his Nightwing persona from Dick Grayson's interests. Maybe it was Nightwing's fault that The Joker figured out everybody's identity! Because it isn't difficult to go from learning Bruce's ward is Nightwing to Bruce is Batman.

Oh for fuck's sake! It isn't difficult for anyone to realize Bruce Wayne is Batman! I'd be surprised if The Joker as well as 85% of Gotham didn't already know! And meanwhile Superman is teaching Wonder Woman how to have a secret identity by wearing glasses and putting her hair in a pony tail! How naive are these assholes?

Dick's Jokerized friends incapacitate him and he's hauled off by The Joker to what looks like it could be the Batcave. And then he's presented with the secret entrée that nobody ordered.

If there's a steak under there, it had better be from Alfred's flank and not Batcow's!

Nightwing #16 Rating: No change. This issue makes it pretty clear that if The Joker doesn't know the Bat-family's secret identities, he's not really making an effort to think things through. He knows Nightwing's connection to Haly's Circus so he knows Nightwing and Dick Grayson are connected. He obviously knows Batman's connection to Bruce Wayne enough to kidnap Alfred. He knows where Red Robin lives in New York. He knows that Jason Todd spends his time on an island amidst the wreckage of a Tamaranian starship. And he seems to know that Batgirl has a connection to the Gordons. Seems like The Joker might know something!

At this point, it's just ridiculous that everyone blames Batman because The Joker somehow found his way into the Batcave. The connections between Bruce Wayne and the other members of the Bat-family are so fucking obvious that somebody as obsessed with The Batman as The Joker would eventually figure it out. Anybody with the ability to count could figure out Bruce Wayne and his wards/adopted children/whatever were Batman and his Robins! Right?

I know, I know! I allow myself to say things like this as if I were a civilian who doesn't get it. But of course I do! I'm a comic book reader! I absolutely allow myself to believe that the secret identity is a thing that only other good heroes could ever figure out. As readers, we all accept, unquestioningly, that bad guys suck at noticing that stuff! Even Lex Luthor is too dumb to notice (or else he just doesn't have any fucking clue who Clark Kent is!). So having The Joker possibly know their identities has actually been a fun story. Although the more likely it seems he knows, the less I want to believe it! I keep hoping that somehow Scott Snyder is going to show how The Joker was able to do everything he did without knowing their identities and it will all make sense!

Batman and Robin #16

Last issue, The Joker left Robin in a pit of dead worms and birds and bats and bugs with a Clown Batman. I don't know where The Joker finds people to pretend they're Batman or where Joker gets the Batsuits made or why The Joker wants Robin to fight a fake Batman. I guess it's all symbol or metaphor or analogy or something. One of those literary devices that I never pay any attention to anyway. As long as people are punching each other in the face, I'm happy!

Robin seems to be convinced he's Batman but that would put Batman in one place too many for me to believe! So it must be a henchman. Or hostage. And Damian is probably just playing along to buy some time.

Meanwhile The Joker is munching on popcorn and commanding the Bat-Joker to kill Robin. The longer The Joker watches and goofs off and Robin pleads with Batman to listen to him, the more I'm getting sucked in to believing that this is Batman! I'm too cynical to fall for The Joker's joke! Snap out of it, dumb dumb! Batman is too busy to be captured by The Joker. Except he did get captured by The Joker! So this could take place after Batman's encounter with his Royal Court in Arkham. Damian just sat around the cave for a few hours while Batman was Jokerfied and while The Joker was marrying Batgirl and while The Joker was doing whatever stupid thing Lobdell decides to make him do to Tim and Jason. And then he couldn't sit there anymore (plus Titus wanted to smell some hyena pee) and he hit the zoo. And now this. So, it could really be Batman!

Now I'm all worried and shit! How is Robin going to save the day? Oh, you know what. He's not. He's just supposed to end up in The Joker's clutches by the end of this comic book so he can get dragged to the party. Well shucks. Now that I remembered the end to this issue, I'm not worried at all!

Robin gets away for a moment and the chase continues in the aquarium. This is starting to feel a lot like Grifter #16! Comic book chases are always more exciting in a zoo where the kids reading can be thrilled by the diverse creatures that attack the hero. But unlike Grifter #16, the animals don't seem to be taking part in the fight. These two are just beating the hell out of each other.

Okay, I don't think Batman is allowed to lose teeth. Not the real Batman!

The Joker really wants Robin to kill this person because that'll create a rift between Robin and Batman. But The Joker wouldn't really want Robin killing Batman which is another clue (besides the teeth!) that this isn't really Batman. But at the end of the fight, The Joker's plan fails. Robin just won't kill his father.

My what a noble kid. Stupid though. If that were your dad and he was filled with Joker toxin, why would you let him kill you? He must have another plan up his sleeve!

If Damian did have another plan to stop Batman from killing him, he never gets to use it because Batman explodes right in front of him. But that's okay because Batman was just some karate instructor that owed one too many people. Robin collapses from the Hyena Poison without finding out that Batman wasn't really Batman. And then The Joker hauls him off to Batman #17 to find out what is underneath the cover to that serving platter!

Batman and Robin #16 Rating: No change. The interaction and conversation between The Joker and Robin in Issue #15 was superb. This issue was a bit of a let down after that. It was simply The Joker continuing to play games with Robin, trying to get him to kill Batman. But he was surprised that this violent Robin was willing to sacrifice his own life rather than killing Batman. But in the end, it doesn't matter. The Joker just drags him off to the real party and the real meat of the story taking place in the next issue of Batman. In essence, this was just filler.

Batgirl #16

This looks like a red headed version of Portland Channel 12's weather woman, Stephanie Kralevich!

Here's Stephanie:

I have a confession to make: I've been calling her The Joker for years. I have another confession to make: I can't stop staring at her post-pregnancy boobies.

Dear Diary,

Pardon me if my fingers are a bit sticky; I was just picking my nose. And I guess I don't mean sticky. It's not like snot is running out of my nostrils. I just mean that kind of damp texture that your finger gets when you're kind of rubbing the loose booger molecules off of the inside of your nose and not actively picking out a gigantic booger that won't stop making itself known. It's not like I make a habit of it, Diary! I know you won't judge me but other people who might one day read my diary will probably judge me even though you know they were probably just scratching their ass and sniffing their fingers. How can a person continue to think mankind was made special from God's fingers after she's seen someone scratch at their head and then reflexively sniff their fingers? That is such monkey business!

You know what, Diary? I've really been filling you with a lot of depressing stuff lately. I guess when The Joker is in town, there isn't a lot of happy news. Oh who am I kidding? Joker or no Joker, Gotham fugging sucks. Why do I remain here? Why does anyone remain here? People talk about "Gotham Pride" like it's something special that true Gothamites work hard to build and cherish. But being a Gothamite is just another random act in a completely random universe! It would really make a lot more sense to tell Gotham to fugg off and move to Metropolis. The murder rate in Metropolis is 1% of the murder rate in Gotham City and it's right there across the bay! I think. I was never very good at geography. And even though a much better life is one ferry ride away, people stick to their "Gotham Pride" and refuse to move. Like I said: monkeys!

I guess I'm being too harsh on everyone else. They probably all stay for the same reasons I stay: because they're super heroes! Ha ha! No, because they have family here too. Or they're criminals. I bet half the population of Gotham is involved in crime and half of that half (so a third? I suck at math but I'm super good with computers and hacking and finding out information!) are involved in silly, ridiculously themed crimes!

I'm also super good at things that are completely crazy that nobody would ever think somebody could be good at! But I am! Anyway, even if she were typing, I could tell what she was typing if I could see her fingers move. And if I know how fast somebody can type, I can sometimes tell what words she is typing just by the speed and rhythm of her keystrokes! Also when somebody is thinking, they sometimes imagine they're saying the words and I can tell what they're saying by the movement of their neck and jaw muscles!

You might be able to tell I'm avoiding talking about what happened after I arrived at the church The Joker sent me to. I don't think I can talk about it. It's not that it was terrifying and I felt like I was going to die and I was worried about my mom and Dick and Batman and dad and Dick. It's just that I realized something while standing in the church with The Joker rambling on and on about The Bat being the King: I was in love with The Joker!

Fugg no! Diary. I'm ashamed of you! Believing that twaddle. I'm surprised there isn't a Bat-villain named Twaddle! Maybe I could take up a second job screwing with Batman and Dick as a wacky nemesis named Twaddle! Oh! Yeesh. Blush moment. I just realized everyone would probably think I was calling myself Twattle! Maybe I should get serious and describe what happened at the church.

I was particularly surprised that he hadn't killed anybody up to this point.

Before the ceremony gets to the vows (of which I had written a doozy of one that involved spinning back kicks and groin punches and as many broken teeth as I could manage), The Joker pulls out a chainsaw and threatens to cut off my arms and legs. What the hell was this? A recreation of Boxing Helena? I was no object to be objectified only to lose my limbs and become an object to everybody but the person who turned me into an object! I was the fuggin' Batgirl! Is that a good catch phrase? "I'm the fuggin' Batgirl!" Why does it sound so sexual when I say it out loud? Maybe it's because I'm in my underwear!

At this point, I decided the wedding was most probably off because I couldn't see myself limbless in my wedding dress. So I began to kick some Joker Thug ass when he showed up.

My brother! That cavalry I mentioned last entry.

With mother safe, I was free to do whatever I wanted to The Joker and his men. The ring was off the finger and the veil was on the floor. The Joker had his face removed and now I was going to take some of his teeth as well. Actually, for a Bat-villain, I'm pretty impressed with his smile. Most of those have got to be dental implants to replace teeth knocked out by Batman. No way you could be enemies with Batman for this long and not have lost most of your teeth.

We interrupt this diary entry to check in on my favorite character in The New 52 outside the church. At least she has all of her limbs. Stay safe, Alysia! Now back to Batgirl's Diary.

So there I am being this huge female role model and defeating all of these scum sucking men and their symbols of masculinity: their guns and knives and baseball bats. The ass kicking was practically religious! A whirling dervish! Heck, I was in church, wasn't I? And then it was time to take out The Joker. And that's when the hero (me!) finds out why a cavalry composed of your insane younger brother is really no cavalry at all.

If I wake up without my limbs, I'm going to be so pissed!

After this I don't know what happened with James. Maybe The Joker killed him. I guess I wouldn't feel too bad about that. When I woke up, The Joker was standing before me with a covered serving tray. And...well, I don't know if I feel up to talking about that just yet. Maybe next time.

Enh. It's probably just a jelly roll.

Batgirl #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Besides having no idea how all of these stories fit in a chronological context, I think Simone is working her end of the Death of the Family story really well. Now if she could just fit Alysia into a little more of the story, things would really be fantastic.

Batman #16

Knock Knock! Who's there? Interrupting Joker! Interrupting Jok...how the hell do you tell this joke in writing?

According to Scott Lobdell, The Joker knows everybody's secret identity. This was revealed in the Zero Issue where Lobdell insulted everybody's intelligence and possibly farted right in our mouths when he explained how The Joker created Jason Todd to be Batman's second Robin. That would mean that Scott Lobdell fucked up Scott Snyder's story the month before Death of the Family even started. But being that it was written by Scott Lobdell, I didn't fucking believe the story and promptly forgot it and washed out my mouth with soap and scrubbed my anus with a really rough washcloth. Super rough. Like Motel Six rough. So even if The Joker does know their secret identities, it's still a surprise to me because I never believe that Scott Lobdell knows what he's talking about. Especially now that I've read his own words about how he writes stories! He just wants to be surprised so he doesn't plan anything! Now I know for a fact that the end of Superman Zero where Superman was on Krypton was thrown in as he was finishing the story.

Scott Lobdell: "Hmm. This story is pretty awesomely awesome as it is. But it needs a big twist ending! And my stupid dumb know-it-all editor thinks my Narration Boxes in Superman's voice don't really make sense because they mention things that Superman has no way of knowing. Unless he was there to witness the events."
Scott Lobdell's penis: *BOING!*
Scott Lobdell: "You're right, Little Claremont! That's an awe-awesome-some idea! Superman will travel back in time in an attempt to save the planet! No, no! Don't think about how that'll happen! I want to be surprised too!"

How come I always end up talking about Scott Lobdell when I should be talking about Scott Snyder? Probably because it's fun! Maybe I should do my Scott Snyder impersonation too!

Scott Snyder: "*sigh* What the fuck do you want, Lobdell? I'm busy plotting and outlining the next Batman story."
Scott Lobdell: "Will it be a big crossover? Can I write in the Teen Titans?!"
Scott Snyder: "I think the fans are a bit burnt out on multi-comic crossovers. Why don't you go work on one of your multiple books? I'm busy here."
Scott Lobdell: "Nah, I still have two weeks before the scripts are due. I'm going to go fuck some prostitutes."
Scott Snyder: "Oh, you know what? This Batman script can wait. Let me grab my coat!"

Last issue, Batman entered Arkham Asylum because he replied "YES" to The Joker's Evite. He's greeted by the Arkham guards dressed up as Batmen and Jokers waltzing in the cells. Batman saves them by doing Bat-things. You know those things bat's do? They scream EMP Pulses and drop water absorbent bat turds.

Then this happens. Typical.

Batman's second challenge is to fight all of the non-super powered inmates of Arkham. I guess these are the thugs that are deemed crazy instead of just having bad judgment after being beaten by Batman. Perhaps anybody trying to commit crime in Gotham is labeled insane because you'd have to be crazy to think you could outwit Batman. Well they couldn't beat Batman to stay out of Arkham and they couldn't beat Batman while in Arkham. Once an insane, psychopathic flunkie, always a loser.

And then a tapestry of human asses. Cliché.

In The Joker's tapestry, what's the deal with The Joker with the baby? Is that a story I should be familiar with? Or is that a hint that The Joker did indeed take Jason Todd's baby brother?

Batman's third challenge is a series of encounters with his crazy, dysfunctional family. The first combatant is "his groundskeeper" Mr. Freeze. But that hardly ends up being a challenge. Batman doesn't even take the time to make a temperature joke! He's so grim. Maybe joking gives The Joker power so The Batman can't use any one liners while fighting people in Arkham. He has to act as if he's above all of the childish humor.

His second opponent is his "royal player" Clayface. Batman freezes him with Mr. Freeze's Freeze Gun. I guess The Joker found Clayface in post-coital bliss in his hotel room with Poison Ivy and forced him back to Arkham the way he forced The Penguin back.

Batman's third opponent is his "physician" The Scarecrow. Batman just recently put him back in Arkham. Batman uses a Bat-breather to defeat The Scarecrow even though he's already built up an immunity to The Scarecrow's new terror concoction. Once he's past The Scarecrow, he finally makes it to The Joker's hiding place and breaks in to find a seriously awesome tableaux.

That thing up front looks like The Chainsaw in the Stone. It's also wired up to something.

The sub-par Justice League are merely there to fail at pulling the chainsaw from the rock to show Batman that they're not worthy of being worshiped.

Batman bashes through the barricade on the other side of the door too late to save fake yet better written Superman. He does save big boned Wonder Woman though by cutting the power to the saw with a Batarang. But then The Joker drops some bars to keep Batman at bay and turns on the televisions nearby so that Batman will cry.

The Joker's been busy in between the time Batman left the Batcave and he arrived at Arkham!

Because Batman cares about what happens to his Bat-family, he allows The Joker to win. The Joker has set up an electric Throne for Batman to sit in and Batman eagerly takes his place and puts on his crown. And ZAAAP! That's it for Batman!

Until the back-up story which actually continues from the end of the main story but from the insane point of view. The Joker thanks the other big wigs for coming but their roles are now done. They don't take too kindly to that so The Joker cages them in the room while he gets Bats ready for the private party. Before rolling Batman away, he curb stomps Harvey Dent's self-esteem. Multiple times. And then he shows them something underneath the cover of a serving tray. I guess it's probably something pretty shocking. It's probably Alfred's penis.

Batman #16 Rating: No change, of course. It's still number one! Who wants to guess what's on the serving tray? I mean a real guess and not knowledge from leaked sources and fan sites. Can't nerds ever speculate on their own without a Google search? There might be a prize! Maybe a personalized drawing because I'm so good at the drawing arts. Or an old comic book (my choice!). But you can't guess Alfred's penis because that's what I've guessed.