New Guardians #16

Time to see Kyle get his brains fucked out by the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog.

According to the first page of New Guardians, Kyle Rayner's ability to show love is severely retarded. It's a queer thing, seeing as how he grasped the other emotions so quickly. I just assumed everyone would have a gay old time while Kyle learned about loving and caring for others. But I was fucking wrong about that shit because his cunt of an old man ditched his ass when he was just six years old. So, you know, he kind of began burying his feelings or something.

Since tapping into his early years when his father left didn't pan out, the Star Sapphires try another moment when he should have been able to express his feelings.

G'nort! Arisia! Tomar-Re! The crystal guy, umm, Chaselon! Kilowog! Salaak! B'dg (or Ch'p. But it looks more squirrely than badgery). And the other lesser known human Green Lanterns!

I'm glad G'nort has been acknowledged as existing (or having existed since this is a flashback) in The New 52. That was all I really needed to know. The other character I can't wait to see is Ambush Bug since he obviously exists in The New 52 whether DC wants him to or not. A change in continuity can't hold him back!

As the narrative finds its way out of Kyle's memories and back to Zamaron (which has now found its way back to Sector 1416 where it belongs), we learn that Sapphire 3 (the female Kilowog) does not have enough time to get past first base and really teach Kyle about love because Ganthet is coming to kill Kyle Raynor. DC has really gone crazy on the "shoot your own dog" motif this month. I probably should have been keeping a list detailing every moment when someone needed to end the life or put a stop to someone they were responsible for. I think it's all leading up to Batman shooting his insane clown dog in the creek with the rest of the Bat-family hot on their trail looking for blood.

And then the meeting that will eventually teach Kyle how to love begins.

In the next panel, Ganthet "FWASHES" Kyle. Some of you now what that means. I just thought it was too awkward to scan because who wants to see the man you think of as your father's vagina?

Kyle and Ganthet battle to a stalemate until the Star Sapphires arrive to help him. It's at this point that Kyle begins to show that he loves Ganthet although he's still very hesitant couching it in terms like "Don't kill him!" and "I'd promise Sayd I'd save him!" Come on, Kyle! You'll never save him while you continue to hide behind ulterior motives for not wanting to destroy him. You want him to live because you WUV HIM!

Just as Kyle and the Star Sapphires have Ganthet on the ropes, his army of Borg Lanterns appears looking to destroy love since love often leads to masturbation when one partner is simply too tired or ejaculates early and falls asleep on top of you. And the Guardians of the Universe simply can't have any of that going on in their Universe. But the Star Sapphires are hyper-focused on taking out Ganthet and they just kind of ignore the Borg Lanterns.

And then Ganthet FWASHES Kyle one more time, nearly killing him. That's totally understandable.

And just like a scene from Halloween some after school special, as Kyle lies there mortally wounded by the man he considered his father, he learns the greatest lesson of all! Love stinks. I mean, love is forgiveness. Kyle forgives his dad and forgives himself and forgives Ganthet too. But Kyle should also realize that this means rage is forgiveness too, right? Maybe rage is the not forgetting part! Anyway, it's not really important what love is. Is it really forgiveness or is it actually manipulation? Not even the greatest philosophers or that tootsie pop owl can answer that question! Anyway, learning his lesson, Kyle becomes the first man in the universe to wield love effectively and thus transform into The Rainbow Lantern!

His new name should be RAF W. HCL!

Now when Kyle uses his power, his ring says, "Life." And then all of the Borg Lanterns disintegrate and Ganthet runs away with his ponytail between his legs. And now that Kyle can destroy the Borg Lanterns with a wave of his hand, that means that a large percentage of the universe's population is about to be wiped out. Since, you know, so many of them have already been converted. Time to teach those Borg Lanterns that any love is good love!

New Guardians #16 Rating: No change. Is that all it takes to become the most powerful person in the universe? To be the most angry, selfish, intimidating, stubborn, optimistic, and caring lover in the universe? Damn. I should be a White Lantern! I get through all of those emotions every time I masturbate! Is the fact that Kyle is now all in white and shoots white goop out of his fingers a metaphor for something?

New Guardians Annual #1

So I guess this annual is happening.

I didn't think January would have any Annuals since DC forgot to advertise them in December's comic books. Plus only two comic books came out the day after Christmas leaving the last week of Issue Fifteens to come out the first week of January. Which caused me to believe they were going to skip the whole "put out a bunch of Annuals in the months with five Wednesdays" thing they were doing.

As you can see, I was wrong. Since this doesn't have a Rise of the Third Army tag on it, I guess it's going to be a stand alone story. Or maybe this will be the issue Kyle learns how to love. It looks like he's doing a pretty good job on the cover since Indigo 1 told him earlier that you can't have love without rage! That's so true! Especially if you love me, you fucking cunt!

Oh and look! That asshat Keith Giffen is writing this comic book! Where the fuck has he been lately? Probably blowing Dan DiDio while shoving his thumb up Geoff Johns ass. God I love DC! BUT THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

The fucking Annual begins on Tolerance, a Transmetropolitan rip-off. Speaking of rip-offs, five fucking dollars for an annual! Now I have to waste my time reading an extra-length book when I could be wasting my time reading a normal length book. God. All I do is read comic books now! Stupid, goddamned fucking shitty-ass comic books! Don't get me wrong! I love it! I love every minute of it! BUT THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

Here are some guys. I think they're in that reality show from Blue Beetle #15. They're shooting some other fucking guy. Write your own damn joke.

Over on Yaru Prime, Arkillo and Saint Walker are hanging out checking in on the devastation left behind by The Third Army. Saint Walker and Arkillo have become the bestest of friends since you can't have fear without hope. That actually kind of makes sense, dammit! Fucking comic book can't even get it right when I'm trying to mock it! Stop making sense, you stupid Rainbow Lantern Corps that have never made sense ever except the one time I try to be sarcastic about them! Fuck you, goose tits!

People are constantly asking me what tattoo I would get if I were to get a tattoo. Now I know! I'd tattoo my penis with Saint Walker's face!

Meanwhile Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris are completely lost. They've arrived on Zamaron in Space Sector 1654 but my notes say it's located in Space Sector 1416. Looking online, I see Space Sector 1416 is where it's supposed to be. What the fuck is wrong with you, Keith Giffen!? Are you placing it in Pre-Crises Reckoning since you've been around so fucking long? But you know what? That's not Giffen's job! He just writes the jokes and the dialogues and the wacky, crazy crap. Editor Joey Cavalieri and Assistant Editor Kate Stewart should have caught this one. Now my entire night is ruined! I need a fucking drink.

I think there's probably a joke in the fact that Kyle Rayner was allowed to land on Zamaron which is currently gender restricted. Fuck if I can make that funny though.

Hey! Let's take a commercial break since we still have a whole lot of Annual Goodness to get through! Maybe it'll give me a chance to catch my breath and down a couple of anti-depressants with my sake. Read this while I medicate.

OH MY GOD NO! NO! If I'm doing any good at all with these commentaries, y'all will know better than to buy this used piece of toilet paper! I cannot believe DC has the gall to sell this trade paperback! You know what they're doing here? YOU DO KNOW, RIGHT?! They're calling Superboy and Teen Titans fans SUCKERS! "We're DC and we can sell the Superboy Fandom anything! Hey look what I did? I gave Superboy a guest appearance in this public toilet bowl I just ruined with my massive bowel movement! I bet the Superboy fans will line up for a nice look at this mess!" Look at that list of A-List writers! Tom DeFalco! Scott Lobdell! Howard Mackie! Whoo boy! And notice the best quote they could find from Comic Book Resources? See that? Read it to yourself. How'd it sound in your own head? It comes off as SARCASTIC, doesn't it!? I can hear the disgust dripping from the Comic Book Resources hack that had to utter those words! Although it really is true! Brett Booth and Pete Woods carry this fucking book. If there's anything good to be had, it's definitely visual! Until you get to RB Silva's people that all look like the exact same guy (even the women) just wearing different wigs. Fuck. The UNMITIGATED gall of DC to collect these stories into one stinking volume! And don't mistake this rage for love, you fuck nuggets! OH MAN! If you misunderstand me now after all we've been through, I'll never type another word at you ever! This rage isn't a joke about rage and love being equal or the same thing or needing each other or whatever! THIS IS PURE HATRED!

And now back to our regularly scheduled annual!

All this time I thought he was going to fuck Carol to learn the ways of Love. But I guess this is the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog. Buckle up, Earth Man!

Arkillo and Saint Walker turn up because you can't have raging love without hopeful fear. This is beginning to get a bit too weird and rape fantasyey for me. I guess since Green Light all by itself is masturbation, you need the proper balance of light to the left and right of it to get a healthy, sexual relationship. Right now the union is a bit lopsided. Hope and Fear balance each other out but don't change the dynamic much. That's a relationship just beginning, hopeful and fearful at the same time. But because it's just started, it's still mostly jerking off in the sheets after a night of heavy petting gone to nowheresville. The next step of the relationship would be Compassion and Selfishness. You need to meet the needs of both you and your partner, careful not to swing too far to one side or the other. This is the really great wooing time. The chemistry hits a high point here as both sides are really getting what they need. And then a full fledged adult relationship when Love and Rage enter the picture! You only truly hate the one you love! Or something. I guess my philosophy of Lantern Light Masturbation Politics breaks down here. Or I just haven't given it enough thought. I guess this could be the part of the relationship where it's over and both parties know it but they keep at it, spiraling ever closer to the inevitable end of it all as they bitterly hate each other and then express their love and then hate the other one for doing that thing they do but then love them so much for doing that other thing and then fuck you, you asshole, wash a fucking dish once in awhile and then I'm so sorry, honey, you make me crazy and then your cat is a fucking vomiting mess and don't you talk about my cat that way and get out of my fucking house and thank you so much for making dinner, sweetie, and do you want to go for a walk and OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT A*G*A*I*N! Um. You know how that goes.

Sheesh. I look away for one second and they get up to some weird nonsense.

I don't know what these two asshats are talking about. Have you ever noticed that about Keith Giffen's writing? That prick fills every character with quick comebacks and witty zingers. And he's so Goddamned subtle that you have to reread his dialogue two or three times sometimes to get the gist of what the fucking characters are talking about. Of course the characters are following right along with each other! Not once does one of them stop and scratch their head and say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" That really should have been every fifth speech bubble in Giffen's early 2000 run of Suicide Squad.

Deadshot: "Did you catch a whiff of that tool box?"
Killer Frost: "Reminded me of pot roast served with heroin and hashish salt and pepper shakers."
Sgt. Frank Rock: "You shake that box often, Frost?"
Killer Frost: "You mean Deadshot's?"
Major Disaster: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

While Kyle trains with female Kilowog, Carol, Arkillo, and Saint Walker head out on a mission to piss off Lady Styx and the Tenebrian Dominion. Why it needs to be done has been very hush hush so far. Or else they explained it in one of the quick back and forths between Carol and the head Zamaron. Fucking Giffen! Oh wait. This new guy will explain it all! I think. Fucking Giffen!

Yes! An Amish Green Lantern! I don't think he should be wearing jewelry, right?

This Amish Green Lantern hangs out with a bunch of no good losers called the Star Rovers. Since Keith Giffen is writing this comic book and he's going to be at the helm of Threshold, I'm fairly certain these guys will be recurring cast members. I bet they're all just so zany you can't even believe it! And they probably riff off of each other super quick!

These Star Rovers have been assigned to smuggle the Lanterns and Sapphire into the Tenebrian Dominion so that they can speak with Lady Styx into battling the Third Army with the Lantern Corps. She might not agree at first but once all of her people begin turning into Borg Lanterns, she'll start fighting with the Lanterns whether she wants to or not. I guess the real fucking trick is getting her to fight with them before they're all dead. Or assimilated.

The Rovers manage to get Carol Ferris inside and then decide to make a little cash off of her by handing her over to the Hunted Reality Show's talent scouts. I think that was what it was called. Hunted. I guess they're mercenaries who always keep their word but will twist that word to their benefit whenever they get the chance. After dumping her off, they head out to bring Arkillo and Saint Walker as well.

But that doesn't work out so well for them. Serves them right. I'm sick of DC Mercenaries and Bounty Hunters that "always keep their word" or "always deliver." How about a Bounty Hunter that has been known to catch some of the biggest scores in the Universe but sometimes really, really, really fucks up the job. Take your chances, you know?

Later, Carol Ferris ends up on The Hunted and I have to read about people watching television! Now I want to watch television! Reading is annoying! Why doesn't someone just talk it all right in my ear? Boy, I love television! But I hate that it sucks my life force away! But man I can't get enough of it! And then I lie in the dark weeping about the things I could have been doing. But television is so much easier than doing those things! And probably more entertaining. Life is boring. You know when people say, "You couldn't write something like that?" Those people are idiots. Of course you can! Shut up and go read a fucking book!

Carol Ferris gets one rotation of the planet free from being hunted. It's like the scariest game of hide and seek you'll ever play! Unless you play Hitori Kakurenbo! Before The Hunting begins, Lady Styx comes out of the shadows to speak with Carol.

Goddammit! It's one in the morning and I'm tucked away in my tiny office in a dark house and I just had to reread that fucking Hitori Kakurenbo shit! Japan, why do you always know exactly how to scare the fucking pants off of me?

Lady Styx leaves and Jediah, Arkillo, and Walker show up to save her. They're getting ready to hitch a lift from some mouthy twat named Rokko when Walker uses his ring and alerts everybody on the fucking planet to his presence. That's because there's this thing called Smart Dust all over the world that detects Lantern Light. It probably also detects Blue Beetle farts but they already caught him. I wonder if his The Hunted show has already aired or if it was preempted by Star Sapphire's show?

Good news! Everybody escapes except Jediah! Arkillo knocks him cold and shoves him out of the ship because he's an asshole. The he is ambiguous for a reason.

Even though Jediah is captured and going to end up on The Hunted going against the Crimson Thrust (probably in Threshold #1), Rokko's ship and everyone in it manage to escape into nonexistent space.

There are only 3600 Space Sectors. Unless those sectors have a limit at the inside edge of a sphere and then sectors begin past that in concentric spheres or something, Sector 9008 doesn't exist.

Thankfully this non-existent sector is right next door to Zamaron's sector (you know? 1416! Unless it was 1654?). Everyone heads to Zamaron to see how Kyle is doing with his love training. Except for, you know, Jediah. He's kind of tied up! HAR HAR! Did I win the prize for the one millionth time that joke has been told?

Wait a second! I was just tricked into reading the prologue to Threshold?! Fuck you, DC! How dare you!

Green Lantern New Guardians Annual #1 Rating: I don't rate these fucking things, remember?!

New Guardians #15

Do crossovers ever crossover? Can't we have a Death of the rise of the Hawkman:Rotworld:Wanted Third Army Family moment? It wasn't an accident that I left out H'el on Earth.

My gut instinct was that learning Selfishness should be the easiest lesson for Kyle Rayner to learn. It's easy to want what you want and be led by your desires. After all, Kyle Rayner is an American. He should have this down. But then I realized the guy that is going to teach him how to harness the power of Selfishness is the biggest, most selfish bastard around. He isn't going to want to share. So maybe that's how Kyle will eventually gain the power. He'll realize he simply has to take it and make it his own.

I can't wait to hear the wisdom bombs Larfleeze drops on Kyle Rayner! "Selfishness can't exist without selfishness!" "The heart wants what the heart wants but the hand takes it away and punches the heart in the throat!" "The secret of life, the universe, and everything is mine!" All of his nuggets of wisdom must end with an exclamation point.

Kyle, Carol, and Arkillo are currently descending on Larfleeze's home planet of Okaara. Unbeknownst to them, the Borg Lanterns are not far behind.

Why is Carol telling Kyle not to be cocky immediately as he's going in to learn avarice? I'm pretty sure you have to be an arrogant, cocky bastard to believe everything in the universe is yours!

When they land, Sayd, Larfleeze's pet Guardian, greets them and bitches about how love is such a pain in the ass. This sends Kyle into a memory of two years ago when he first came to Oa and observed the way Ganthet and Sayd treated each other.

Oh Kyle. He didn't mean the misunderstanding was about how he and Sayd feel about each other. He meant the misunderstanding was the "girl" in girlfriend.

As I figured, Larfleeze is less than willing to share his power with Kyle. Carol uses her Blazing Love Chain Power to uncover something that Larfleeze doesn't even know that he wants in the hopes of striking up some kind of trade. Her discovery turns New Guardians into a sappy after-school special in which Larfleeze lost the one thing that ever meant anything to him a billion years ago: his family. Sniff! Sniff! Carol promises him he can find them for him! I guess it just isn't the power of the ring that makes Larfleeze so long-lived. He must come from an immortal race of Goat Gods (the third best kind after Kitten Gods and Raccoon Gods). Larfleeze decides the deal is a good one and begins Kyle's training.

I think I should just stop wasting time reading these comics and just guessing at where the story is going. I'd probably get about 60% right and the 40% I got wrong would be better than the truth.

Larfleeze and Kyle Rayner fight amongst themselves for a bit until their battle is interrupted by the Borg Lanterns. Larfleeze sends his Orange Lantern Corps against them since they can't be assimilated. Probably. And Sayd keeps them at bay with whatever crazy powers Guardians have. I always forget they can do things other than acting self-righteous and judgmental.

The Borg Lanterns grab Carol and begin trying to rip her ring off so they can ungender her. She calls for Kyle to help but then Sayd offers some of those words of wisdom that I expected Larfleeze to bestow.

Eww! How could I have missed this one?! It's such obvious wisdom for avarice! Although my nuggets are still better.

Kyle gains the power of Selfishness and has a bit of a temporary meltdown. But once things are under control, he uses the Indigo Teleport Power and VOOOORPS Larfleeze, Carol, Arkillo, and himself elsewhere. I don't know where because that's the end of the comic book! He leaves Sayd with the Borg Lanterns since they can't assimilate a Guardian of the Universe.

But they can kill Sayd! Sayd dies as the other Guardians of the Universe watch on via satellite television. Ganthet watched Sayd die and the other Guardians are worried. But Ganthet remains unemotional and decides to go take take of Kyle Rayner himself. How many comics in a row has there been a "shoot your own dog" theme now?!

Green Lanterns: New Guardians #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. I still think this is the best of the Green Lantern books. It's been more of a Kyle Rayner book than a New Guardians book for awhile but at least four different colored lanterns are now traveling together. So it's getting back to the whole New Guardians theme.

New Guardians #14

Looks like there's a new Guy in town!

That caption was because I've been reading old issues of Shade the Changing Man and get to read all the old adverts for movies and new comics from the early nineties.

Too bad the Yellow Corps' rings weren't imprinted with Guy's "G" instead of an image representing Arkillo's sphincter.

Let me apologize to anyone that found this commentary and thought they were going to dive directly into some kind of review of The New Guardians and the big Rise of the Third Army crossover because that isn't going to happen. The title of this comic book got me thinking about a universal police force and exactly how fucked up that would be. How do you police billions of different cultures even if you have a ring that translates for you and interprets local customs and mores? You still can't really relate to the people you're policing. And what about the percentage of assholes that simply care about the power they wield? The Green Lantern rings mostly judge a person on how well they overcome great fear. The ring isn't looking for honest people, or compassionate people (that's a different color ring altogether!), or even intelligent people. It simply wants the bravest jerks out there.
Even here in America where we're all living under the same umbrella of laws, the police can't treat everyone equally and with respect simply because each police officer's background can vary so wildly from every single individual he or she encounters. And just like the Green Lantern Corps, the police training academy isn't exactly looking for kindness, honesty, and compassion. Sure, they'll call all sorts of public relations conferences to say differently but if it were true, police officers would more generally be thought of as assets to the community rather than untrusted sticks-in-the-mud ready to beat the shit out of anyone that rolls their eyes.

What if you lived in a sector of space that was patrolled by a brave Green Lantern who was the laziest guy in the universe? My girlfriend recently received a parking ticket in Portland even though she had the parking receipt stuck to her window. The police officer wrote on the ticket that he checked both windows. An obvious lie because why? He was actually just too lazy to walk around to the other side of the car? Did he just glance through the car at the other window and didn't see it, so he lied on the ticket to make it seem like he was thorough? Whatever the case, he just didn't care enough to really do his job. But he cared enough to cover his ass on the ticket. My girlfriend took pictures and paid the fine with a letter of protest. Just this week, she got a check refunding the amount. But what about that lazy ass cop? Do you want him in an altercation with a mentally ill person? Should this guy have access to a gun? I ask that because if he can't be bothered to walk around a car, is he really going to be bothered to have the patience to avoid violence as a first resort in an altercation?

I think I'm finally on the side of the Guardians of the Universe! Get rid of that fucking Green Lantern Corps, those self-righteous pricks!

Finally getting around to the comic book, it begins with Kyle Raynor having just learned to harness Compassion. Too bad he's also already learned to use Rage as a tool. And he's going to learn Fear this issue as well. But then he'll temper that with Love. I know he's learning all of these things as tools to be used one at a time but it just seems like he's going to be a chemically-imbalanced chaotic mess when everything is done.

Well then. I guess you can't have Love without Rage either. Excuse me for a second while I go punch my girlfriend in the vagina.

Indigo-1 gives Kyle some more poorly thought out bullshit, cliche lessons about emotions before she teleports back to her homeworld to oversee the making of the rings of compassion that will be forced on the Guardians of the Universe. Kyle has now learned that love and rage are the same thing. Compassion isn't exactly a good emotion. Good cannot exist without evil. Love is the most dangerous and unpredictable emotion. Fear is a healthy reaction. And everyone is an asshole. Indigo-1 is the second worst Yoda ever just after Yoda.

After Kyle is done learning about compassion, he heads off to Space Sector 674 to visit Arkillo on the Planet Vorn. According to my notes, Vorn is actually in Space Sector 676. Come on, DC! Don't you even know the layout of your own fucking universe?! When Rayner finds Arkillo, he decides to torment him for a bit.

I think Kyle already has the hang of this fear thing. Next!

Kyle Rayner actually has no idea how the Yellow Lanterns work. Turns out all he has to do is admit that he's always scared and voila! He's now a Yellow Lantern! How could it have taken him so long to learn this secret after countless hours of children's programming has been devoted to teaching people that bullies are the biggest cowards of them all?! And Kyle finally admits that he's a Green Lantern not because he doesn't feel fear but because, like the ring says, he has the power to overcome the great fear that he has. Just like Guy. And John. And Hal. They all have very serious issues that might paralyze other people into inaction. But these guys manage to fight through the fear every day. Kyle admits that he's afraid of failing the universe. He's afraid of getting another girlfriend stuffed into another refrigerator. And he's probably afraid of spending the last good years of his artistic life drawing comic books written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco.

Kyle finishes his Yellow Lantern Training and Carol zips by to pick him up. They fly off to find Arkillo so Kyle can learn a little something about selfishness.

This is the face Arkillo makes as he stares at Carol's ass when she flies off.

After seeing Carol's assets from behind, Arkillo decides to tag along with Kyle and Carol. He figures when they find Hal Jordan, they'll also find Sinestro. And then he can kill him because he loves him and love can only exist with rage and murder.

New Guardians #14 Ranking: No change. I'm not a fan of Andrei Bressan's art in this book. It reminds me of the mediocre art of the 1980s which caused the grim and line-filled Image art renaissance of the 1990s. Also, if Kyle is to become the greatest Lantern of all time, I think he'll need a little more training than learning standard bullshit sayings about emotions.