Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metal Men!

I really don't care about the Metal Men part of this comic book.

Could it be true? Could it be that we...were too free?! Before I get on with my point, let me just start by saying I'm not suggesting we should corral stupid people and butcher them for their meat! I mean, that's probably going too far. But maybe we should consider demoting them to the level of urban wildlife, on par with squirrels, raccoons, and opossum? If a stupid person tries to make conversation with me in public, shouldn't I be allowed to swat them away with a broom while yelling, "Shoo! Shoo!" or "Oh my god it probably has rabies!"? I don't know how we can test the intelligence of everybody in the country to see who gets what rights but I think I have an idea! We seem to be okay with enacting laws that make it more difficult to vote, right? So how about each ballot comes inside a puzzle box that must be solved before the vote can be cast! This will limit the amount of dumb people who get to ruin a pretty good system. It might also accidentally send a few people to hell but I think Americans have shown that they'd totally be okay with that.

At first I thought maybe the voting booths could be inside of garbage cans to test people's intelligence but then we'd have a spate of raccoons voting. They might even win some districts. Before you know it, we'd have a bowl of cat food for president and a bird bath for vice-president. I mean, we sort of had that from 2001 to 2008, so I think the country would survive.

That's probably a good enough segue to begin discussing the Metal Men. I mean, I did mention garbage cans.

This issue begins with Chemo attacking the Metal Men and their new friends, the Other Metal Men.

This was written before the U.S. election. So I think there's a new bar for a worst day ever.

The Narrator of this comic book refers to the Metal Men as "our heroes." They're not my heroes! The Metal Men are the kind of characters people like when they're kids and then continue to like into adulthood simply for nostalgic reasons. I never liked them as a kid and so I'm not saddled with the nostalgia of having spent lonely Saturdays reading Metal Men comic books nursing the fat lip I got from trying to make a friend. Now that I'm almost mature, I certainly have no taste for these silly creatures. Although I do like Doc Magnus. He's sophisticated. He smokes a pipe and enjoys butt stuff! I don't do one of those things but I still admire him! He's so grown up and mature!

So the Metal Men (Not My Heroes!) are now battling Chemo. Do they always battle Chemo? Doesn't Chemo just look like a big container of Mountain Dew that was shaken too hard and possibly pissed in?

You can probably guess how I read this the first time.

Chemo burps green chowder all over the street as Doc Magnus and Doc Lace (who is also probably into butt stuff and smoking things) argue. Doc is all, "Did you do this?!" And Doc is all, "I did not!" And then Doc is all, "We should have this conversation later when our lives are not threatened!" And Doc is all, "Yeah!" And then Doc is all, "But did you do this?!" I don't have to explicate that anymore, do I? You can see why it's hilarious, right?

I just realized that this Doc Magnus is a younger, less dapper version of himself. Instead of smoking a pipe, he wears goggles. So I still only do one of the things this Doc Magnus does!

Chemo kills Silicon because nobody cared about a Metal Man made out of Silicon! It's possible Len Wein could have made one that people cared about. He could have worn a bow tie while trying to catch the eye of some angels to get his start-up going! He could have been all, "I'm an up and coming young go-getter who won't take no for an answer! I'm also willing to screw over my friends and associates to get an investment for my app! And when I say 'my app,' I mean the app I conned a bunch of other people into making who were all paid by the hour and didn't get a stake in the final product because it was my intellectual idea! And when I say 'my intellectual idea,' I mean the idea of my friends who didn't understand contract law and lost all of their rights to the project!" Man, I'm glad Silicon is dead! He was a total douche!

And then, in the middle of the battle, I find myself shocked. I'm not easily shocked either! That previous panel I scanned could have had a printing error that printed the way I read it anyway and I would have shrugged and gotten on with my life. But in the middle of the battle against Chemo, I find myself aghast! Agog! Amazed at what I'm seeing! And, if I'm honest, a little bit turned on!

Does Lead always masturbate during battle?

Before anybody decides they're going to explain what the picture above really is, just fucking relax and take a breath. Enjoy the absurdity of my fucking commentaries and stop trying to make sure everybody knows exactly what the fuck is going on at all times. You're being a patronizing twat. I commented on the cover of Scooby Apocalypse #4, "I think Shaggy's cock is hanging out." I said this because the artist drew Scooby's tongue exactly where Shaggy's cock would be if it were sticking out of his zipper. And the tongue looked exactly like a flaccid, uncircumcised cock! But some idiotic shit had to reply, "That's Scooby's tongue." Yeah, no shit, fucktwit! Relax! Chill out! Let people say things that are stupid and hilarious and make you see the world differently than maybe you might have seen it before. Especially when all that person seems to see are dicks.

Mother Machine reveals herself (I mean, re-reveals herself since I think, last issue, she already declared she needed to take action herself) and explains her plans to the reader. This is all because she wants a Responsometer! She describes a Responsometer as "a baseball-sized computer that allows the Metal Men to act independently of the Internet." That's what makes the Responsometer so special? That it works without being linked to the Internet?! That's hardly special! I thought what made the Responsometer so special was that it gave the robots sentience and emotions and that it also fits smoothly up one's rear end.

Back to the fight, Iron is rusted completely and dies. That's okay though because he can be rebooted later. It's also okay because I don't care about any of the Metal Men! They're a lot like Cyborg and Red Tornado and Robotman in that they usually wind up getting destroyed in the climactic battle. But their essence lives on in like a hard drive or tape cassette or something. So it doesn't really matter what happens to their bodies.

Platinum is killed and I sort of feel bad about that because I always liked the way she tried to fuck Superman in the old comic books I used to read on Saturday afternoons! And then Lithium dies as well. Now who's going to help lift everybody's spirits when the battle is over?!

After the military officer claims responsibility for this whole fiasco (it's always the military's fault! Just after the butler!), Gold declares that the Metal Men and the Other Metal Men must work together to stop Chemo. Hey! What a great idea! A team of heroes acting in concert and with a plan! I mean, the plan will probably be "Everybody rush Chemo at once!" which they did try earlier (although Lead stood by jerking off). But this is the end of the last issue! So it's different now! It'll work this time! Probably!

Aluminum dies almost immediately. Probably because everybody was pronouncing his name the American way and he was all, "But it's Al-loo-min-ium! It's All-loo-AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!" After Al, it's Gold's turn to die!

"--art, Lisa!"

Mercury dies immediately after Gold dies winning the bet that his last words would be a totally hilarious impersonation. I'm beginning to suspect that all of the Metal Men are going to die so that Mother Machine can pop in, take the Responsometer out of Chemo, and fuck off to wherever she's been hiding since she destroyed the Blackhawks.

Mother Machine isn't allowed to be the hero because Tin needs to be the hero. The most useless Metal Men of them all! Somehow none of the other metals were strong enough to pierce Chemo's outer shell. But Tin turns himself into a javelin and shoots straight through Chemo, removing the Responsometer as he passes through Chemo! Wow! I only thought tin was good for storing beans and wrapping up sandwiches for picnics before being replaced by aluminum!

Doc Magnus picks up Chemo's Responsometer and is about to do what he always does with Responsometers before he's interrupted.

Doc, you should probably wash Chemo off of that before you shove it up there.

Mother Machine is sucked into Chemo's Responsometer because that's how they work? Or something? Doc Magnus decides it's safe to just give the Mother Machine Responsometer to the military and head home. That should work out well! Once he's home, he revives his Metal Men the way he always does after they're slaughtered in the final battle. He's not able to save most of the Other Metal Men. He only manages to keep Copper which is probably a good thing since the Metal Men had way too many dicks in it already. That's the good news! The bad news is that he decided to change their looks. He calls an upgrade but I call it Yeeeeeuuuuccch!

Mostly I hate this new look. But I do like the addition of a huge red penis to Gold.

The Review!
Why the fuck does DC keep thinking characters need cosmetic updates? I suppose I agree with them when they accidentally change a look for the better. But what is this unholy design they've chosen for the Metal Men? Somebody get Ann Nocenti on the phone so she can learn the actual definition of Uncanny Valley now! No wait! Don't rouse her! Let her sleep the sleep of the ages in whatever cave she's slouched on back to! Didn't they change the look of the Metal Men in the early 90s? In that mini-series with the shiny metallic cover on the first issue! I just read it in the last couple of years and I remember nothing about it! Why do I even bother doing things with my life when I can't retain any memory of the events?! I should just sit in front of the television playing Overwatch!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #6

I can't fucking stand how the "J" in "ninja" is all wonky!

The Review!
If you want an insincere, biased, simply going through the paces of complimenting each artist on the book review that I can't believe was actually referencing the comic book I just read (which was this one! Issue #6 of the Batman/TMNT crossover!), go read this review! If you want the kind of hilarious review that I'm known for ("hilarious review that I'm known for" is copyright me, 2016), you'll have to go to bed wanting. Because I couldn't bring myself to be interested enough in this final issue to even read it months ago when it came out. I simply dug it out of the stack now just to get the fucking thing over with. Here's the positive side of my review: if this were a terrible book, you'd be reading one of those hilarious reviews that I'm known for right now! But it's not terrible. It's simply boring. It's one big Batman brawl with a twist: his rogue's gallery are currently furry versions of their usual selves. The story hinges on whether or not the Ninja Turtles will save their own asses or risk them to save Batman's ass. That's a pretty weak hinge because we all know which way that door is swinging, right? I would have preferred it if the Turtles shrugged and left Batman to Shredder. But that isn't what the Turtles are about, cowabunga dude! They'd never leave another turtle flipped over on its back! They'd be all, "Aloha, little dude! Let me help you up! Pizza!" Then they'd kick Shredder's ass and the story would end. Just like this story finally ends with Shredder getting his ass kicked! I guess I was surprised that the Turtle with the red mask came out of the closet and declared his undying love for Batman. Don't ask me which turtle that is because the only one I recognize is Donatello with the purple and the stick. That's because he's the one I always used to play on the arcade machine.

If you're the biggest fan of the Turtles, you'll probably enjoy this entire series because you have to or else you won't be the biggest fan of the turtles anymore. If you aren't the biggest fan but you're a pretty big fan, you'll still probably have to enjoy this series or else the gnawing doubt that maybe it was a mistake to love the turtles for so much of your life will eat away at you until you spiral into a depression knowing that you've wasted so much of your life on something so fucking stupid. If you hate the turtles, you might like this series too because what the fuck do I know? Maybe you're a sadist or a Batman fan or a furry looking to jerk off to new furry porn. I mean, Harley looks like an opossum or some shit in this. Does that sound sexy? Yeah? Well, happy jerking, perv!

Wonder Woman Rebirth #1

Why can't my comic book store be consistent and give me all the covers where the heroes are standing awkwardly on the new DC Logo? Oh! I know why! They can't even get me a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 even when it's on my fucking pull list! And they let me walk out of the store without rectifying the situation! If only I were a Type A Personality, I would have made them all very uncomfortable with my man-tantrum! Why do I have to be an understanding, meek asshole who now doesn't have a copy of Flash Rebirth #1?! And probably never will thanks to all of the Wally West fans who had to come back out of the woodwork and support DC Comics again. I suppose I'll just have to make up my reaction to the story as I pretend to read it.

The Review or Whatever!
That was a long caption! I thought maybe getting my frustrations out would help me feel more loosey-goosey while writing this review but my stomach is still upset! The feeling is akin to walking out of The Blair Witch Project where nothing has been resolved and you've achieved no catharsis of any kind. I didn't feel this way when Batman Beyond #13 was left out of my box (which I still don't have a copy of either, Excalibur PDX!) but I don't really care about that. I'm sure I can find that one in a dollar box by now! But if Flash Rebirth #1 sold out in my shop, it probably sold out in all the shops. And I don't really feel like searching for it anyway. So I guess I'll just sit here and feel like throwing up.

I hope I can compartmentalize my anger so I don't judge Greg Rucka's Wonder Woman story too harshly! Oh, who am I kidding?! I can't compartmentalize anything! Every reaction I've had in my adult life has been tainted by my lack of a father's love and bitterness at my relationship with my mother!

Wonder Woman begins this issue with the realization that she has Comic Book Spongiform Encephalopathy. She's full of memories of being born out of clay and of being born out of a vagina (both alone and with a brother named Jason).

That baby has the most kissingest mouth I've ever seen!

I just Tweeted my comic book shop and asked if there was a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 in my box yet and they replied that there was! So now I can finally relax! Whew. That was a close one! Who knew the world was so full of near tragedy and drama?!

Wonder Woman spends the first half of the comic book wondering who she is. She's all, "The truth of who I am matters! But I don't know the truth. So does it really matter? It must! I think. Maybe? Or does it? Has it ever? What's this lasso good for anyway?!"

She's quoting old Greek guys, so she must at least still be Greek! Probably. I mean, I'm not Greek but I still sometimes accidentally quote Greeks. But usually only because I know their quotes from popular culture. Like Wonder Woman comics! Remember when she said, "In war, the first casualty is truth"? Catchy!

Wonder Woman's spongy brain is trying to come to terms with suddenly remembering every retcon she's ever been through. And she's been through more than most! So now she has all these alternate histories that explain why she left Paradise Island, or how she grew up there, or how she was conceived, or how she once thought wearing bicycle shorts was an acceptable fashion choice. All of it was true! Unless none of it was true? Maybe some of it was true? Oh no! Now I'm doing what Wonder Woman does for the first half of this comic book! Every question she asks has all the answers and no answers at the same time! How will she reconcile this messy Rebirth?!

To find out the truth, Wonder Woman ties up the editors of DC Comics in her lasso and asks them to explain themselves. They just sort of shrug and say, "Wez gotz bonerz?" Since DC's editors aren't any help anymore because writers get to write whatever they want (that's my truth that might be less truth and more fantasy), Wonder Woman ignores them and ties herself up. Now I gotz bonerz!

Has there ever been a scene where Diana loops the lasso around the ankles of everybody at the Justice League Christmas Party? And by "Christmas", of course I mean "secular holiday where everybody gathers together to get drunk and exchange cheap gifts which will probably wind up in the trash by the end of the year".

Wonder Woman decides to go to Olympus to get some answers for why she's so confused. She probably should go to the office of Geoff Johns to find out why he's trying to blame Alan Moore and the Watchmen for his and his creative teams' mistakes! Why not blame Frank Miller?! Oh, that's right. Because Frank Miller is still willing to work with DC.

Wonder Woman arrives to find Olympus is just as much a lie as her own past. Apparently Doctor Manhattan doesn't have a quick enough imagination to keep up the lie as Diana continues to dig deeper. Too bad Doctor Manhattan wasn't a writer before becoming an omniscient blue nudist. A writer could have totally kept Diana fooled! So I guess it's also too bad Meredith Finch wasn't a writer before working on Wonder Woman! Was that too much of a burn? I kind of feel bad for that one! Not bad enough to delete the thought into nonexistence though!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #5

Does The Penguin really belong in Arkham?

The Review!
You know. It's Batman and the Ninja Turtles. This issue includes Damian and a bunch of Furry-Flavored Arkham Inmates. So if any of those things are up your alley, you probably already know about it and have purchased this book because you're a nineties kid. I don't have anything smart to say about it because when do I ever have anything smart to say? Even when I know the smart things I want to say, I can't say them! Like today on the way to the coffee shop to get some iced tea, one of the Project-Cloverleaf, Blood-Transfusions-For-AIDS-Patients, chalk drawing vagabonds on Hawthorne saw that I was wearing my X-files "I want to believe" shirt and said, "So why don't you just believe?" I rolled my eyes pretty heavily and muttered and growled but I didn't tell the person to shove their agenda-filled comment up their fucking ass for simply ignoring the nuance of the phrase "I want to believe" and believing that the only reason I won't believe is because I don't have some kind of shit-eating faith. Stupid people believe just to believe, asshole. Some people want to believe in things that they know are complete and utter nonsense but are still attracted to the idea of it. I would love to believe that my ego will transcend death and I will live forever. But guess what? That's fucking bullshit. Believing it doesn't make it real. It just makes the person believing it delusional and missing out on the beauty of the truth of the world. So no, Mossad Chalk Lady, I won't simply believe. Go fuck yourself.

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1

I'd prefer it if they were called Teenage*D* Mutant Ninja Turtles.

The first issue of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out right around when I began collecting comic books. I did not pick up an issue because I could not predict the future. Also I don't think I knew it existed until sometime in its third or fourth printing. And even then, I really wasn't interested in owning it. I mean, did you see the weird colors on the cover? So amateurish! Or artsy? What did I know?! I was thirteen! I thought great art was the succubus picture in the Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual. But since that time, I've learned how to invest in comic books! If an independent comic books comes out and one of the creator's names ends with "man", the book is going to be valuable! I may have missed the Eastman pile of money but I didn't miss the Kirkman pile! I hope The Walking Dead does a crossover with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

I think I read my cousin's copies of the first three or four issues of the original Turtles but I don't really remember much of it. I remember the little regular baby turtles around the radioactive puddle before they transformed and that's about it. And even that might be a false memory! And I was too old to think the movie Turtles were cool when they came out so I really don't have much experience with them. I know they were a parody of Daredevil, they loved pizza because Domino's is the only joint shitty enough to deliver to a sewer address, and Donatello is the one with the purple sash and the stick. That reminds me! I did play quite a bit of the arcade game and I always chose to be Donatello.

The story begins with a scientist telling Batman bullshit stories about the Ninja Turtles. The Foot Clan attacked her place of work and stole a generator that could power the world and/or a super weapon. But the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tried to stop them. They at least stopped the Foot Clan from killing the scientists but did the scientists thank them?! No! They just called them ugly monsters with uncontrollable adolescent erections and then called Batman in to destroy them. Batman, being a great detective, decides one eyewitness's assumptions of her perceptions is the only lead he needs and he promises to stop those gross Wereturtles.

If I were a pizza delivery person, I would not deliver to a seedy location without an actual address. Also, I would deliver pizza in a car instead of walking.

Batman goes over the clues to all of the crimes involving stolen technology in Gotham recently and he's flummoxed because the bad guys don't seem to be attacking him directly or trying to simply fuck up Gotham in retaliation against the Batman. They've actually got a criminal agenda that doesn't involve him at all! It's totally fucking crazy. Who do these criminals think they are?! Batman concludes that they're either stealing the technology to build something to use against him later or else maybe they're new at the crime game in Gotham and they don't realize that it's all supposed to be about Batman. So rude. But he'll teach them!

Batman surmises they'll attack Wayne Enterprises next because his company has the best stuff.

I hope Batman and April O'Neil fuck.

Killer Croc plans on stripping the Batmobile while Batman is beating up turtles. Croc knows where the Batmobile is because he has the Where is Batman?! App available for eighty thousand dollars at the app store. That seems like a small price to pay to follow Batman back to his lair and loot it. So why does Killer Croc only want to loot the Batmobile?! And where did Killer Croc get eighty grand for the app?! Shouldn't he have spent the money on supplies for his army of homeless masses?

Killer Croc runs into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' lair so he'll probably miss out on looting the Batmobile. Unless Batman takes too long beating up hundreds of Foot Clan Ninjas. There are always hundreds of them, right?

I hope The Predator and some real Aliens show up in this comic book too!

Batman beats up most of the Foot Clan but he doesn't get any new clues because Shredder appears and kills all of the clues before Batman can beat them almost to death. Actually, Batman does get one clue! One of the Foot Clan mentions "the turtles," so now Batman knows he's looking for...well, okay, that clue is kind of confusing. He probably still doesn't know what he's looking for. Although Shredder told him that if he just butts out, Gotham will be fine. Shredder doesn't realize that Batman has one superpower and it's the power to not butt out ever and most especially when somebody tells him to do so.

It's a good thing Batman has more luck on his side than World's Greatest Detective Skills and so he just happens to learn the meaning of the clue when he heads back to the car.

And one large rat! Don't forget the rat!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #1 Rating: This is a novelty comic book! I'm not going to lower myself to rating and reviewing novelty comic books! What am I? A clown?! I will read next issue though! I bet Batman kicks the asses of all of the turtles but is fatigued enough for Master Splinter to beat the shit out of him. Then Master Splinter, being a kind and compassionate rat ninja master, will take Batman back to the Turtles' new underground lair where he'll tend to his wounds and revive him. Batman will hear the Turtles talking like teenagers and realize that they're heroes like him! Well, not like him. More like Daredevil. Although Daredevil is a lot like Batman. So maybe they are like him.