Review of The Twilight Zone, Episode Five: "The Pain from an Old Wound"

The night before Donald Draper pitched his ad campaign for Kodak's new slide projector, "The Wheel," Don must have watched the fifth episode of the first season of The Twilight Zone entitled "Walking Distance." The episode's theme revolves around nostalgia which Donald Draper defines as "the pain from an old wound." The main character gives himself an old wound (which he didn't have before being overcome by nostalgia) by harassing his younger self until that younger self falls off the carousel. "The Carousel" is what Don Draper decides to rename Kodak's "Wheel." The story is about a man time traveling back to his youth and Don Draper describes "The Carousel" as not being a spaceship but a time machine. He obviously plagiarized his entire pitch from "Walking Distance"!

The main character, Martin Sloan, has become weary of the world at age thirty-six. It's probably because he looks like he's forty-six! I mean, Gig Young, the actor playing him, was definitely forty-six. Which is sort of hilarious coming on the heels of the previous episode about an elderly actress (in her forties elderly! You know, Women Elderly) who still looked terrific but, being forty-one, was slated to forever play mothers for the rest of her career. Why couldn't she play a 31 year old woman going through a mid-life crisis? At least she still looked the age as opposed to Gig Young who definitely did not look thirty-six. Although didn't thirty-six year old men just look older in the mid-20th century? When did men stop looking like men? It was the hippies, wasn't it? When I picture a man in my head, I think of somebody like Don Draper or Fred Flintstone or, as it happens, Gig Young. I mean, I wouldn't have pictured him before learning who he was because of this episode. But now I do! He's totally what I think a man looks like. Maybe military service does something to the DNA or bone structure of the male body to make them appear more manly? Or maybe just doing manly things gives them an air of manliness that most modern men just don't project?

Anyway, this super old thirty-six year old has become tired of adulting. Not that he'd ever use the term "adulting"! The only people who use that term are most definitely not men. Or women. Did I unironically use the term just now? Who can tell? I'm not a fucking adult! I can't tell when I'm being serious or cynical or earnest because I've never had to cower in a foxhole wondering if my movie screen was about to suddenly go black while the world moved on without me in vibrant technicolor. I'm just a lazy Generation X fuck that has had everything handed to him on a middle class silver-coated platter. I don't fucking know how to actually feel anything. Our entire lives have just been a terrifying Cold War joke where the Post-Cold War punchline never came. How the fuck were we ever supposed to feel anything when we were shown The Day After as children?! Sure, generations now have to worry about Climate Change but at least that's a long, slow decent into the Mad Max era. We had to deal with the psychological trauma of the end of everything in an actual blink of an eye while those fucking Boomers and the Greatest Generation really taught us about cynicism by casually living in that terrifying world that they fucking created! And how did they deal so nonchalantly with that shit? Probably because they once lost all feelings by having to cower in a foxhole wondering if their movie screen was about to suddenly go black while the world moved on without them!

Whoa. Man. Maybe I am an adult.

So Martin Sloan walks back through time and winds up talking to Richie Cunningham who is all, "You're not Marty Sloan! I know Marty Sloan and you're not him! Don't touch me! I'm so terrified I'm going to leave my marbles in the street!" And then Martin Sloan sees his younger self carving his name on a bandstand like he did when he was eleven. After that, he goes to his old house and talks to his mother and father who think he's a mad man. Then he runs into a kid with a hot rod and the kid is all, "It's a 1934! It just came out last year!" And that's when Marty McSloan is all, "Holy fucking shit! I've traveled through time!" I'm glad The Twilight Zone doesn't want us to think all of the main characters are geniuses. Or even of mediocre intelligence. I mean, what a fucking dum-dum!

Later, after Martin Sloan scares the shit out of his younger self so that his younger self falls off of the carousel and catches his leg underneath the ride (causing Martin Sloan to suddenly have a limp), he tells his younger self, "I didn't want to scare you! I didn't want to be creepy! I just wanted to tell you that you should appreciate being young! That's what all young people need to hear or else they won't enjoy it! They need to hear it from me, a lost old man! Enjoy your youth! I mean, I can see you were enjoying it until I came along. But I really want you to understand that you must enjoy it! Stop enjoying it so much and listen to me! You have to enjoy it! OH GOD, YOU JUST HAVE TO!"

After that, Marty's father comes along and is all, "Hey, dude. Get the fuck out of here. You're ruining your childhood. You had your time. Now maybe go enjoy being an adult. Get a drink. Fuck some broads. Gamble. But, shit dude, stop looking backwards, you maniac." And Marty is all, "Hey yeah! Maybe when I get back to my present, I'll remember to enjoy carousels and cotton candy and climbing trees!" And his dad takes a big hit off five cigarettes while he scratches at the VD eating away at his crotch and he says, "Yeah, yeah. Go enjoy that stuff, you nerd."

Marty returns to the present feeling better than he's felt in a long time. He really learned a lesson by his inadvertent trip to the past! And that lesson was to not wish to be young again but to make the best out of every day you have. Sure, it's the opposite lesson that Miss Trenton learned last episode. But maybe there are different lessons to be learned by men and women? I don't know! All I do know is that this episode did not make me feel wistful or nostalgic in exactly the opposite way the scene from Season One, Episode Thirteen of Mad Men, "The Wheel," did make me feel.

Convergence: Justice League #2

That's not a sea cucumber! It's a space station!

I have an issue with the way men are being portrayed in Convergence. In Convergence: Superman, El, the Flashpoint version of Superman, was in love with Lois Lane. So when he finds out that another woman who isn't the woman he was in love with but looks just like her exists, he kidnaps her because he loves her. Lois rejects him because she's in love with the Clark Kent she knows, not every person in the multiverse that looks like Clark Kent. In Convergence: Justice League, Flashpoint Aquaman notices another woman that looks like his dead Mera, so he kidnaps her because obviously men only love a woman for their looks. Who cares about her personality?! Mera rejects him like a normal person would reject somebody that steals you and immediately begins acting like they're your intimate partner of many years, even if they look exactly like the intimate partner you've had for many years.

I suppose women fall in love with the entire person and men only fall in love with the image of a person, right DC Comics?!

Oh wait. When I state it like that, it totally makes sense! You're right! Men are just shallow douchebags who aren't in touch with their feelings because they're so in touch with their cocks and where they're going to stick they're cocks. And when a man sees a place where he was allowed to stick his cock for years and years, he just figures he can go right back to sticking his cock in that place. Now that DC Comics helped me realize this, I'm now going to be unnerved by every movie and television show I watch with a male lead (which, let's face it, is pretty much all of them).

I'm sure my reading of the previously mentioned comics could be kinder but since one was written by Dan Jurgens who is a robot created in the Eighties with no input devices and no way to retrieve new, non-1980s information and the other was written by Frank Tieri who seems to get pulled off the bench by DC Comics to pinch write shitty comics for even shittier writers that have ruined the title they've been working on, I don't think they deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Speaking of television shows with male leads, I have no really cogent thoughts about the finale of Mad Men but I did want to comment on it. So if you haven't seen the finale (or the show at all), just skip to the first scanned picture where the real Convergence: Justice League #2 will begin. No, seriously. Just skip the rest of this. I don't want to be the one to spoil anything about one of the greatest television experiences of the decade.

So after watching the finale on Tuesday, I made a few comments to the Non-Certified Spouse, walked into the bathroom, shut the door, put the lid down on the toilet, sat down, and fucking bawled. Being that I'm apparently written like a male character in DC Comics, I'm not quite sure what affected me to that degree. I believe (but am still not entirely sure) that it was the moment in which the plain guy tells his story about being an item in a refrigerator which touches Don who then gets up to hug him. I wasn't touched simply because of the scene and the way it was played. I was touched because the man was symbolically Matthew Weiner speaking directly to his character, Don Draper. He was saying goodbye to him while also speaking the words that he couldn't put into Don Draper's mouth because Don would never say them. They were Matthew's insecurities and fears which meant they were also instilled into Don. It was a redemptive moment for both Don and Matthew and it may have been the most brilliant version of the writer putting himself into a show that I've seen. That was what broke me. Although it's possible that I was more emotionally attached to that Coke commercial than I previously believed.

Shall we discuss the Coke commercial ending? And by we, I mean me, and by discuss, I mean monologue? I'm a cynical person. I'm not cynical to the point of deconstructing everything simply because I like watching buildings blow up helter-skelter. I believe that, just like blowing up a building, deconstructing a work takes care, experience, and intelligence if you don't want to hurt a lot of people in the process. Anybody can stick dynamite on a building and destroy it. Not everyone can bring it down safely and elegantly. The internet is full of Crazy Harrys running into a fandom and pushing the plunger on their detonator. Anybody can find any flaw they're looking for in any work of art when they're projecting their own issues onto everything they encounter. So I'm cynical but I don't want to be; I just feel it's necessary. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. Some people would say, "Just believe" (and one once did at the Portland Brewfest one year when I was wearing my "I want to believe" t-shirt). But that's the point of the shirt. Some people want to believe but they want the truth more than they want to fulfill their own fantastic desires. So when the Coke commercial came on at the end of Mad Men, I had to ask the question: were we seeing an actual, life-changing moment for Don Draper where he's come to a more enlightened, comfortable place, or was this just the same old Don Draper going full tilt until the idea for the commercial grabbed him by the throat and he knew he had the pitch? Was this a cynical ending or a romantic one? Did he go back to McCann a new man, transformed and with a new understanding of what people really need, wanting to bring the communal, enlightened vision he had to the world? Or did he go back to shoot a commercial co-opting the peace, love, and spirituality movement he experienced while in California simply to sell soda pop? Remember, it's all about the work! Everything is about the work!

I know what I believe. Matthew Weiner wrote a television series for seven years simply to say this: "That fucking Coke commercial was bullshit propaganda and you all fell for it, suckers! These are the people that created it! Here are your 'Teach the World to Sing' gurus, bitches! The moment your movement was sanitized to sell Coke, it was over. You fucking lost, hippies! Culture is grist for the advertising world and what matters to you now will soon be used to sell you bullshit crap nobody needs. Enjoy life! Enjoy Coke! Smile!"

What works every time? Distracting military submarines with your boobs and butt so that they blow each other up?

The Justice League is currently battling Flashpoint Atlanteans off the coast of Gotham because their friend Mera was kidnapped by Flashpoint Aquaman. I explained why earlier: it's because he used to put his cock in a Mera-shaped person, so why wouldn't this person shaped like his previous cock-receptacle not want to be the new Aquaman cock-receptacle?

Now that Jesse Quick has taken out the Atlantean warships, the Justice League has to battle an army of sea turtles and underwater men with spears. I don't know what the Vegas odds are but please put all of my money on the speedster, Kryptonian, green light spectrum wielder, and magic woman. Although I have heard that slow and steady wins the race? Hmm.

Is it just me being sexist or does the "witty banter" by this group of friends just sound catty and mean? See how I used "catty" there? That indicates there is a high probability that I'm being sexist! And let's face it: a lot of that old Blue and Gold banter Giffen and DeMatteis used to write? It was fucking mean-spirited shit that rarely came across as fun loving shenanigans! How did Ted and Michael stay friends for so long?!

Of course Supergirl wants to punch Aquaman in the face! That's Supergirl's go-to greeting! And besides, who wouldn't want to punch Aquaman in the face?!

Mera sulks in captivity trying to convince Flashpoint Vulko that Aquaman is a kidnapper and will probably soon be a rapist and that maybe he should do something about preventing that from happening? What is wrong with Mera? She should have her hands around Vulko's throat and squeezing the life out of him while she drowns the Atlantean Guards with their own saliva! Where's the Mera I know from The New 52? She's smarter, more powerful, and has a better ass than all of the Atlanteans put together! Was that sexist? I did throw in the "smarter" thing!

Outside of Aquaman's undersea headquarters, Jade battles with Ocean Master. She's surprised, after knocking off his helmet, to find that it's not Aquaman at all. Jade needs to spend more time boning up on her super villain flash cards. I suppose Ocean Master isn't an opponent anybody except Aquaman ever faces off against so I can't blame Jade for not recognizing him. And she truly doesn't. She just notices he's not Aquaman and says, "You're not Aquaman. You're..." and then she can't come up with his name. So he has to say, "Ocean Master!" Poor guy must feel like a loser right about now. I mean more than usual.

Vixen infiltrates Aquaman's Wifely Prison by using the powers of whatever sea creature allows her to sneak aboard, steal a uniform, and find her way to Mera in an unfamiliar place. A cuttlefish, maybe? But it doesn't matter because while she's wasting time hugging Mera, Aquaman sneaks up behind her and knocks her unconscious.

Or maybe she's just knocked down because after a brief break in the scene to show Supergirl, Zatanna, and Jesse trading barbs and battling lobsters, Vixen channels the power of an electric eel and zaps the fuck out of Aquaman.

Who...? Oh! I get it! He's being a rhetorical smartass!

I bet Vixen just stops channeling sea creatures and kicks him in the balls simply by channeling girl power!

No, that would be too empowering. Instead Aquaman makes her pick up a gun and shoot herself in the face. She's not dead but apparently she's going to be disfigured in some way. Hopefully an animal exists that can cure scar tissue or Vixen's modeling career is headed down a new and exciting path for a veil company.

That wasn't a comment about me saying she can't be a model with a horrible scar stretching across her face and one eyeball hanging out! That was me commenting on the state of the modeling industry and how they would never allow her back! It was a dig at big business and the Patriarchy! I would totally jerk off to a model with a scar on her face and an eyeball hanging out of her head! I'm not sexist!

Mera, still all meek and non-violent, submits to Aquaman's authority when he shows her that his men have caught Jesse Quick and Zatanna and Jade and Supergirl's cape.

Whoops! I guess the cape wasn't enough!

After Supergirl crashes through the window, water doesn't come rushing in. I guess that means the interior of the headquarters is also filled with water. Maybe that's why Vixen couldn't stop channeling sea creatures. Although she had to hold her breath while she was channeling dolphins and whales. Hopefully she can still channel whatever she was channeling while unconscious and bleeding out of her face. Still, none of that explains why Jesse Quick was taken into captivity without her Infinite Oxygen Forever Facemask (probably courtesy of Waynetech).

Supergirl beats the shit out of Aquaman until he activates his Kryptonite Trident. But Mera stops him before he stabs Supergirl with it. She stops him by pressing her boobs against his chest and calling him "my love" and kissing him right on his filthy fish lips. Because that's where Mera's power lies! It was hidden all this time underneath her clothing! Using her Super Hot Body Superpower, she gets close to the idiot man who has no brain and thinks only about things his cock will fit inside of. And then she stabs him!

After stabbing him, Mera and Supergirl and Vixen swim out of Aquaman's headquarters unmolested. I guess Vixen is pretty much okay? Just a slight graze wound across a cheek or something? Her face is never shown again after she was forced by Aquaman to shoot herself in it. Aquaman is just left to bleed out on his throne. I guess once a king is stabbed in the stomach, everybody he commands instantly stops respecting all of his orders and they simply disappear. And I guess Mera is playing by Batman's Rules of Killing here. Mera may have stabbed Flashpoint Aquaman and walked away knowing that he was dying but it's not her fault if he is eaten by sharks, right? And it's his fault for not having a royal surgeon on hand. Or knowing how to sew up his own wounds.

Convergence: Justice League #2 Rating: This issue wasn't good. It was as not good as the first issue. But it was the first issue to actually fulfill the Convergence Contract! The Justice League was told they would battle somebody to the death and that's what they did! Although I doubt even Flashpoint Aquaman is going to die here. Although if the Big Convergence Change (that's what I'll be calling the twist ending that changes up these old universes in a new way which seems to be happening in every one of these Convergence Minis) was that Mari now has a scar on her face, I'm big time disappointed. I said BIG TIME! That's no marriage or baby or resurrected child or redeemed Two-face! It's hardly a blip at all on the Change Radar! And it's also sexist bullshit! Probably! I think it's always safe for me to call something sexist bullshit!

Divergence: Detective Comics
"Following the events of 'Endgame,' get ready to ride with the GCPD in a whole new city -- inhabited by a whole new Batman!"

Oh boy! A whole new Batman! That's just what the fans have not been demanding! I can't wait.

The Sneak Peek begins with Harvey talking to a shadowy figure putting on some crazy armor. One of the things I was hoping Manapul and Buccellato would do was to continue to concentrate on Harvey Bullock in Detective Comics. He's a detective, right?! And a great character if you're into fat guys that smoke and eat a lot and wear hats! Also he's got the kind of personality that can really carry a comic book titled Detective Comics. I'm so pro-Harvey Bullock that I have a really gay boner right now.

Yip is still his partner but there's a new character in town that has yet to be seen in The New 52 (I think!): Renee Montoya! She's back and she's coming between Yip and Harvey like a sexy thing that comes! Now I'm picturing naked, anthropomorphic foxes with huge boners for some reason. Thanks a lot, Deviant Art! You've ruined the sexy part of my brain!

The van the three of them are riding in has a big bat symbol on the front. They're chasing a giant of some kind when it tries to smash them with a fist. The van flips end over end but is caught by an armored Batman. I guess the GCPD now has a Bat Division!

What the fuck. What the fuckity fucking fuck did I just read? Fucking Manapul. Fucking Buccellato. Holy shit. Detective Comics is going to be fucked up and possibly quite awesome.

Um, anyway, after the van flips, Yip is trapped in the back. Renee begins interrogating her with her gun out trying to get her to name names. But Harvey pulls her away and lights the fucking gas pooling around the van, blowing his partner (and only potential romantic interest ever) into smithereens. Maybe. Probably. Shit. Jesus Christ.

And if you don't feel shocked and freaked out enough, there's a panel with a crying pigeon that's also on fire. I think that needs to be my new header.

And then the last page is the start of this fucked up travesty. I mean that in a super good way.

I don't know who big armored Jim Batman actually is.