Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Aquaman #6


Mera is the most powerful hero in this fight because even Kryptonians get dehydrated.

The Facts!
• Aquaman and Mera have gone nuts and decided to defeat America single-handed. Or is that double-handed since there are two of them? How did I already get distracted by a digression in just the second sentence?

• It's not that Aquaman and Mera wanted to defeat the United States. It's just that the United States government didn't give them much choice. Everybody knows that if the federal government says, "You're under arrest," it's your duty as a responsible citizen to respond, "No, you're under arrest!" Then you scream about fascism and oppression as you're put in a choke-hold and wrestled to the ground. Except Mera and Aquaman were too strong to be wrestled to the ground by the entire Marine Corps. So the president got on the phone and called in Superman to rough up Aquaman and teach him a thing or two about the scam known as "resisting arrest".

• Anybody who has ever been arrested and their only charge was "resisting arrest" should be able to sue their law enforcement agency who arrested them. If I'm charged with resisting arrest, I'd better fucking be charged with something else which would be the arrest I was resisting. There's no fucking way anybody should ever be brought in simply for "resisting arrest." How about a little honesty, Law Enforcement Dickheads? Just call it what it actually is. "Arrested Because the Officer Felt Disrespected For the Slightest of Reasons."

• Superman tells Aquaman that "whatever this is, it's got to end, right here and now." Who died and made you...oh yeah! New 52 Superman died! But never mind that! Why does Superman think he's the arbiter of what can and can't happen? What if Eclipso had been all, "Whoa whoa whoa! You can't explode The Eradicator on the moon! You'll ruin the environment for my Moon Cows!" I'm sure Superman wouldn't have appreciated that since Superman didn't start the fight. Shouldn't Superman be directing his speech to the Marines? Shouldn't he be telling them that whatever this is, it ends now? They're the aggressors! Aquaman was just an innocent king trying to go home when America was all, "Just a second, sonny!" Superman does know that the person winning the fight isn't always the person responsible for the fight, right?


Holy shit. I agree with Aquaman.

• Superman responds by saying, "Oh yeah? You don't think I know what's going on? I'm Superman, bitch! I know this shit is about to escalate into World War Bore! That's what I call a land versus sea battle because who cares! What I'm trying to say here, Arthur, is that I'm talking to you because you're the only reasonable person in this conflict! The U.S. Government is already chanting 'Remember the Pontchartrain! Remember the Pontchartrain!" which, to be honest, is a pretty shitty chant. They really should give their battleships names that flow better and don't sound so foreign when used in a chant to get people's patriotic blood boiling. And I'm not talking to Mera because, frankly, she scares the kryptonite out of me. So fucking listen to me and knock this shit off before this escalation escalates!"

• And then Superman does something that Superman will live to regret until the day everybody stops laughing about how Aquaman laid him out in one punch: he puts his hand on Aquaman. When I turn the page, I hope Arthur lays out Clark in one punch or else my previous statement will be faulty.


Whew! Still a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Sometimes I worry I'm losing it!

• I didn't know Atlanteans were so flexible! Aquaman would be great at Butt-Boob Showcases!

• Aquaman's frustration at being the laughingstock of the Justice League comes out and he begins beating the shit out of Superman. This is like that time I finally rose up against the brutal regime of my sister when she switched the television from MTV showing Lionel Richie's video of "Hello"! Sometimes enough is more than fucking enough!

• Superman suddenly wants to show that the members of the Justice League don't believe they're above the law by helping detain Aquaman via the quite suspect Patriot Act. That's funny, Superman. I don't seem to recall you interfering with Batman while he constantly breaks the law in Gotham City with his vigilante justice. I'm starting to see who's getting their dick sucked in the oval office this term. And who's doing the super sucking.

• Tula and the Atlantean army arrive to help rescue their king. But they don't attack immediately because they're not Americans. I mean violent animals. Was that redundant? Superman mostly decides that Atlantis not attacking might be good enough for now. But he still decides to be a dick about it.


Or else what?! Fuck off, Superman! This is why Lawful Good people suck. Because they're just as prone to commit violence as a Chaotic Evil person. It's just they feel justified by their righteousness.

• Meanwhile, Black Manta kills The Fisherman and takes over NEMO. So I guess NEMO is no longer interested in world conquest. It's Aquaman killing time!

• Aquaman swims back to Atlantis while the United States sits and fumes. Now they're probably pissed at Superman too! How dare he stand in the way of America when they're spending billions of dollars and risking thousands of lives to get revenge over what amounts to a negligible slight in the glint in the eye of history! How is America supposed to feel catharsis if they can't throw a huge tantrum which results in the death of hundreds of thousands of people?! It's not fair, Superman! It's just not fair!

• Apparently Aquaman now has to fix relations with America or else!

My Super Secret Opinions!
I wish Superman and Aquaman would just fuck already.

Ranking: +1!

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