Earth 2: Society #5

These beers must be from the eighties when jagged, purple-pink font was way extreme.

Last issue, Batdick got all up in Val-el's face and accused him of murder. I hope "getting up in one's face" is the appropriate slang term for what I want to say and not a sex move. If it's a sex move then people reading this critique of Earth 2: Society #5 are going to think it's much more enjoyable than it really is. They may have already switched over to Comixology to buy it based on the apparent face fucking that took place last issue. While they're there, they're probably also picking up the free comic book, "The Colonel of Two Worlds." I bet that shit is riveting!

Oh, um, anyway, Batdick, Val-el, and The Flash got into a bit of a scuffle. Eventually Batdick calmed down and magnanimously decided to believe that Val-el was too heartbroken to kill Terry Sloan. And it was right about then that the world government ship, The Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, came barreling out of the sky headed for Power Girls' home city of Neotropolis!

Excuse me? When did you assholes become a team? Was there an Issue #4.5 that I missed?!

Batdick is saying "There's nothing you can do" to The Flash in that page I scanned up there. Hey, Batdick! Guess what? There's nothing you can do either! Are you going to hook the ship with your Dickgrapple and swing it to safety? How many exploding Dickarangs will you have to throw to get it to change course? Oh wait! I know what you can do! You can apologize for being a complete prick to Val-el and ask him to please keep the ship from crashing into the Earth. Oh wait! You can't do that either because it's a red sun morning! I suppose you can begin thinking up a speech honoring all the people of Neotropolis who are about to die.

The Flash has this really great joke he says while on the Batwing as they're approaching the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5. He says, "I think you're confused, Superman. Dying while near each other isn't the same thing as being on a team." Ha ha! Such a good response to Val-el saying, "We're a team!" Although his timing is a little off being that Val-el said that back on land and before the conversation had moved on to how they were going to save Neotropolis. I suppose his Speed Powers fuck with his sense of timing. Or, even taking into account his Super Speed of Thought, it took him that long to come up with a witty remark.

The Batwing lands on the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5 and Commander Sato greets them in the hanger. I guess everybody on board the ship is immune to the gravitational forces, the inertia, or the momentum (whichever one would make it so that Commander Sato was not standing around screaming "We need somebody fast! Is anybody fast with you?!" and instead would be smashed against the inner hull) because Commander Sato greets the heroes and screams, "We need somebody fast! Is anybody fast with you?!" The Flash responds with "Why are you all looking at me?" A-ha! I see why his joke came so late and why he doesn't respond appropriately to Sato's cry for help! All of his super accelerating has smashed his brain against the inside of his skull one or more too many times! The jerk has brain damage!

Severe brain damage, apparently. He needs Val-el and Batdick to explain why they shouldn't be the ones to run fast?!

The Flash decides to have a flashback to one year ago when everybody was building cities all over Earth-Too. He helps long enough to realize that he probably shouldn't be living with his mother anymore. A few months later, he runs into Hawkcop who tells him how one of the ships that went down hasn't been turned into a city because nobody can find it. She needs his help because he can check everywhere on Earth-Too in just a few minutes. Although from his perspective, it'll probably feel like decades. But nobody ever fucking cares how toilsome things seem from The Flash's perspective. Just do the job quickly and stop whining!

The Flash is just a nineteen year old kid who is suddenly acting like a nineteen year old kid. If you're familiar with him from those other comic books I don't recommend anybody ever read, Earth-2 and World's End, then you might have forgotten that he's young, immature, and not very responsible. Mostly because he wasn't written that way but partially because you probably forgot that he wasn't written that way. Now he's into drinking and partying and not helping people because work is for adults and suckers! Somehow the alcohol on Earth-Too is strong enough to not be super metabolized by The Flash, so he gets so drunk that he misses meeting up with Hawkcop in the morning. He's such a failure!

Remember how everybody on Earth-You suck at being reasonable adults and mostly just act like terrified, ignorant idiots? Well, the people of Earth-Too aren't any better. When they see a superhero who isn't a robot (they react like the people of Earth-You when they encounter a robot because robots are fucking creepy, man), they mob him and insist that they help him solve their problems.

"There's too many of you! Don't push me! There's too little of me! Don't crowd me! Help yourselves!"

Newest God Jimmy Olsen appears to help Flash out of his predicament. They wind up in Erebus which is also known as Shadowtown. It's a city where Jimmy rules as a God. He wants Flash to join him for some reason which might have to do with putting a wiener into a butthole since I can't think of anything else Newest God Jim can't get for himself with his godly powers. But The Flash gets shy and nervous and runs away instead of accepting Newest God Jim's offer.

The Flash stops remembering things and believes he might have an idea on how to save the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5. It's the kind of idea that BatDick should have thought up but he didn't. He probably knew that he should keep his Dickmouth shut and let The Flash build up some confidence by saving the day himself. Val-el strips Batdick of his Dickarmor and puts it on The Flash instead. Now The Flash is both strong enough and fast enough to save the day! Which he does! And while he saves the day, Batdick figures out who the real enemy is. It's not Terry Sloan because he died, remember? No, it's Newest God Jim Olsen!

Earth 2: Society #5 Rating: No change. So far, Green Lantern terraformed the planet they're on to make it look like Earth-2. But that wasn't good enough for The Huntress and Red Arrow, so they were going to terraform the world to be exactly like Earth-2 which would kill all of the life Green Lantern had just created. That was bad for some reason. But it didn't matter because Terry Sloan stole the Source Vault, reprogrammed it, and was about to terraform the world into an Earth-2 that was favorable to him! But he was killed, so Green Lantern's Earth was safe! Until now! Because Newest God Jim Olsen's plan is to terraform the Earth in his image, killing everything and everybody that doesn't worship him! I think somebody just needs to destroy this Source Vault already or else Earth-Too is going to be constantly on the brink of destruction as one person or the next steals the Source Vault so they can remake the world to their advantage. That probably won't happen until every character has gotten a chance to have a flashback issue though. I'm having a tough time deciding what's so interesting about this comic book which is why this was just a summation of events so far as opposed to a superb philosophical essay on whatever the major themes of this comic book are. The ethics of terraforming? The corrupting influence of power? Oedipal attractions within the brain damaged minds of super speedsters? How violence trumps pacifism in mainstream superhero comic books? The misogynistic reflections of the patriarchy through the view of the boob window?