Mother Panic #6

Mother Panic looks like the goalie for the Gotham Blades.

The Review!
In this issue, Violet discovers that Ratcatcher has taken up residence in the basement of her hotel home. She doesn't mind because his rats eat the face of the Pretty Pauper to save her mother's life. So now the Ratcatcher gets to be a heroic sidekick for Mother Panic. Although how is she ever going to sneak up on a criminal again with all of those rats in the house? Her costume will definitely smell like rat piss.

Nothing else happens this issue! There are a few reminders that this story is about pretentious artists, just in case you forgot. The comic book didn't forget. It's all, "This story is about art! But good art! The kind of art that, if you get enough people to praise it, will be considered great art! Not that other art that is pretentious and lame and unhip and doesn't make any money at all. That's the kind of art that Mother Panic fights against!" That's pretty much exactly what this comic book said.

The backup story is another one of those boring stories where a demagogue convinces the people of a DC city that superheroes are terrible. I've read that story about five bertwillion times! Enough already!

The Ranking!
No change! The art by Shawn Crystal makes this comic book worth reading.

Mother Panic #5

I know wild rats are vermin that often carry disease on their beshitted fur but they're so fucking adorable I want to hug them!

I had a rat in high school and a gerbil in college (the answer to your inappropriate question is no). If it weren't for how lazy I am, I'd currently have either a couple of rats or a couple of gerbils. But you really have to make a daily effort to keep their cages clean so your house doesn't smell constantly of rodent piss. Gerbils aren't as bad as rats but it's still more work than I'm willing to do. Plus my cat Pelafina is a mouser so I'm fairly confident I already know how my rodent friend would eventually die: listening to me yell "Pelafina!" and sort of giggling at the same time because it would be cute the way my cat was mauling the rodent, and I don't think anybody deserves to be laughed at as they're being ripped to shreds.

I hope Shawn Crystal is the new permanent artist on this book because I'm in love with the art now. It definitely counteracts the pretentious art story about a girl whose father let his friends rape her so she had to murder him which caused her to be imprisoned in a boarding school run by sadistic nuns who experimented on her and turned her into a whacked out superhero who sees strange visions when she brawls. It feels much more lighthearted now!

You know what I haven't done in awhile? I haven't proven my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader credentials! Let's get that out of the way immediately.

Remember what I suggested this guy's name should be last issue? The Plastic Pauper! Say it together now: Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Okay, now that I've covered the most important part of this blog (stroking my ego), I can get to the boring bits (plot, characterization, Mother Panic's superb ass (I didn't scan the picture of it last issue but it's better than Nightwing's)).

Somehow Jody Houser forgot to use the term "uncanny valley" when describing The Plastic Pauper last issue. That's a shame since Ann Nocenti used it as often as she could in every incorrect manner possible. See, Gather House did so much plastic surgery on The Plastic Pauper that they made him looks so beautiful he looks fake and nobody can stare directly at him. So maybe this is less like the uncanny valley and more like the valley past the lake and over the mountains where nobody visits because it's unheimlich unheimlich. Jody didn't use unheimlich last issue either so I thought I'd use it here.

Violet's mom has made some new rat friends. They come by to chat with her and share their food. But Violet doesn't know about them yet. She just thinks her mother is talking to the roses which is just crazy. If she knew her mother was talking to rats, she'd be less concerned because that's totally normal behavior.

I'd like to get my bats in that belfry.

I'm trying out a bunch of new phrases that mean "I want to do it!" "I'd like to blow bubbles in that milk!" "I'd like to carpet bomb that Dresden!" "I'm going to clog that toilet!" "I'm going to punch that Nazi so hard!" "I'd love to play Global Thermonuclear War with that WOPR!"

After going out on the town to remind everybody that Violet Paige totally isn't Mother Panic, just in case anybody was wondering, Violet goes out with The Plastic Pauper the next night to take out their next target, Ashley Layton. He's just another on the list of people who ruined their childhoods. I might need a new name for The Plastic Pauper because he keeps spouting Alice in Wonderland shit. What is with super villains in Gotham being obsessed with Wonderland? Is Gotham a metaphor for Wonderland that I've totally missed all of these years and have never seen any evidence for at all? I mean aside from all those villains. Maybe the Gotham Public Library only had three books: Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass, and The Autobiography of Bruce Wayne: Totally Not the Batman.

The Plastic Pauper wants to snipe the fuck out of Layton's child. But Mother Panic is all, "Whoa! I think you got the wrong idea about me and my ass, buddy! I'm trying not to get my jaw broken by Batman here. If you hadn't heard, Batwoman and I are practically finger-bang buddies. Killing a helpless child will probably get my fingers 69'd from that sweet vagina. 69'd? Oh! 86'd!"

Oh! The Plastic Pauper isn't just obsessed with Alice. He's into all the fables and children's stories too. So maybe I can call him the Pretty Pederast?

Back home, Violet's mom takes some cake to the basement to share it with Ratcatcher (or his loser brother?) and his rat buddies. I guess the shot at the end of the last issue that showed he was staying in the Pike Hotel was supposed to make me shout, "Oh! That's where Mother Panic's mom is staying!" But it didn't because who remembers shit like that from month to month?

In the back-up story, Miss Stoner, the producer for Cory Edgars (the right wing anti-Batman radio nutjob), meets a man with no eyes who tells her that Batman once saved his life. Maybe his eyes are on his fingers! If so, they're now full of bacon grease because he was feeding his dog bacon. Anyway, he wants to help Miss Stoner stop Cory Edgars from destroying all vigilantes which includes her dad, Odd Man. This back-up story is always just two pages long so that's all that happens.

The Ranking!
+1! This really is a much better comic book now that I'm in love with the art!

Mother Panic #4

I already believed this comic book was pretentious. This cover just confirms it! Just look at the name of that one creator: Jean-Francois Beaulieu! Who has that many vowels in their name?!

Almost immediately, I'm sorry I called this comic book pretentious.

Classic working class comeback!

Mother Panic's first nemesis was Gala, an artist. See why I thought it was pretentious? Art?! Pshaw! That's fancy boy stuff! And fancy girl stuff, too, I guess. But all girls are fancy when you get a peek under their skirt. Woo hoo! So fancy! But this nemesis looks like he's going to be more down-to-earth. Because who doesn't like a good "YOU'RE A WHATEVER!" burn? I use it all the time. Clerks are always, "That'll be $3.50." And I yell, "You're a $3.50!" Boom! Taken down a peg! That'll teach you for thinking you're better than me with your sick ability to handle money and do sums and tell nickels apart from dimes. La dee flippin' da!

So this mystery guy (I bet his super villain identity is The Playground Rascal!) is probably a Trump supporter. He already had that sick white working class put-down and he pulled a fire alarm! Who pulls fire alarms except stupid people who haven't studied for their money handling and doing sums final?! Although he also uses a cane with a skull on the handle which might mean he's a hipster villain. Double although, a woman looks at him and has a mental breakdown so he must have a working class face. You know the kind of face! The kind that isn't great to look at and, if you happen to stare directly at it, you think, "Minimum wage."

Wow! Now who's sounding pretentious! Probably not me! It was the way you read it and not the way I wrote it, you pretentious douche!

The Playgound Rascal blows the fuck out of the Rosemary Layton Memorial Wing of the Gotham Museum of Science and Other Fake News.

This hipster douchebag is upset for some reason. I guess he likes science. Or memorial wings. Spicy!

Mother Panic in her civilian guise goes on a talk show to do the whole I'm a drug-addled gigolo who likes to take her tits out in public and fuck other women raw shtick. She stole that from Bruce Wayne! While she's on the show, she decides to have a popular Tumblr opinion about Batman.

I an not happy about comic books being so socially conscientious! Don't fucking tell me your hot (well, lukewarm) take on Batman. Instead of judging Batman by his worst written stories, how about coming up with your own story about Batman and how he rationalizes the way he does things? I'll only be happy if Jody Houser allows Batman to change Mother Panic's judgmental view on him.

These words are just Violet Paige's act to get people to hate her so they don't think she's also a vigilante superhero. She probably secretly admires Batman and has all of his action figures on a shelf in her closet.

The other guest on the show is the Ashley Layton, the hipster douchebag. Violet recognizes his voice as he passes by. It turns out he's the guy who suggested to Violet's brother that she be sent to Gather House boarding school after she murdered her father. That's the place with the nuns who taught Violet how to be the superhero, Mother Panic! I guess she's not super happy about that so she decides he needs to be punished. I bet she pulls a thread on his sweater vest and unravels it a little bit. Ooh, he'll be so angry!

P.S. I really like the art in this issue. It might even make me like the comic book about thirteen percent more. End of P.S.

Don't tell me I'm using P.S. wrong! I know what I'm doing! This is just the Post-Post part of the commentary. Duh!

Violet goes to investigate Ashley Layton's software company. After breaking in, she encounters The Playground Rascal. I think I should rename him now that more of his character has been revealed. Apparently somebody gave him so much facial reconstruction that his face doesn't look real. It's why that woman was so terrified to look at it earlier. I bet somebody uses the phrase "uncanny valley" at some point! They might even say unheimlich!

I forgot to rename him in the last paragraph! He's The Plastic Pauper! Or maybe Fancy Lad! Hmm, maybe I'll just wait to find out who he really is. The main thing Mother Panic learns is that he also went to Gather House and he also wants to make them pay. So maybe he's Mother Perfect Face? Together, they blow up Layton's building and go home to reminisce about their terrible childhood.

Meanwhile, The Ratcatcher (or Ratcatcher's brother?) moves into the basement of the Pike Hotel. That'll probably be important later.

Double meanwhile in the back-up story, the producer of the Right Wing Radio Host who wants to put an end to Batman by making everybody hate him (which totally shouldn't work but, as we've seen recently in reality, totally works on the feeble minded and stupid). The producer wants to stop him but she doesn't know how. Luckily her father was a superhero named Odd Man and he still has the suit! It'll probably fit her or else this back-up story is going to be terribly boring.

The Ranking!
+1! That increase in the ranking is simply for the art. It's got the kind of personality I like my art to have! It's practically the exact opposite of David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. Their art is for the unthinking masses who love men with fish lips and women who look twenty years younger than they actually are. The art in this comic book is for smart, sexy, good-looking people who probably write comic book blogs.

Mother Panic #3

Now kiss!

Batman can't stand that another vigilante is operating in Gotham City. That's his turf! It's his honey pot! If Mother Panic plans on opening a Window and Skylight Repair Shop, she's in big trouble. Hell, she's in big trouble anyway. Batman is such a control freak that he's going to have to learn her identity and where she lives and how old she is and how acidic her urine is. It's all quite important to running Gotham. Not that Batman runs Gotham, wink, wink! He just wants to keep it safe! If you know what I mean!

Mother Panic continues her quest to rescue a bunch of teens from some pervert art lover named Hemsley. But finding those kids isn't in the cards this month. This month, she gets to be scolded by Batwoman. The scolding winds up turning into a fight. Typical.

That's an odd thing to say unless Mother Panic's dialogue comes from a writer who knows Batwoman is a lesbian and thinks this is some kind of playful flirting. Although I don't know why somebody would follow up "Not my type" with "although under other circumstances." You mean like if she were your type?

Mother Panic wins the fight with her super power of thinking of some abstract image and then striking. I don't know what that is about. I guess she gets her power from art. That's why her nemesis is a swanky hip artist.

After the fight, Mother Panic swears. Oh! That just made the comic book better!

At Hemsley's place, Gala is waiting for Mother Panic inside the art piece she created for him. It's a throne surrounded by six sitting children in monk's robes tethered to the ceiling. They continuously chant some thing about sinners and god. I can only imagine the entire room smells like dried semen.

Gala introduces herself and then sets the room on fire to escape. I guess it's important for an artist to have a patron and/or a superhero nemesis. Otherwise why would she let Mother Panic know she's behind Hemsley's disgusting wank installation? Probably just ego. Anyway, Gala escapes while Mother Panic saves the helpless children.

Uh oh. It's getting super artsy in here!

It looks like Mother Panic is too big for art to hold! She's the creator's creation that breaks free to create! And while she does that, she'll also smash the shit out of terrible art. But not pretentious art or she'll have to punch herself in the face.

Batwoman reappears to tell Mother Panic she did a good job. Mother Panic responds with "Fuck your approval." I approve! She says fuck at Batwoman a few more times, just to show she doesn't care what anybody thinks of her. She's off the leash! Remember when practically every cover of The New 52 proclaimed that somebody was unleashed? Bad times!

The encounter with Batwoman allows the writer to just get on with the story without a bunch of fangenders going, "Why doesn't Batman do something about her?!" Now in just a few pages, they have their answer! Batwoman knows Mother Panic is a good person and she'll be allowed to do her thing so long as she doesn't fly her ship into Batman while he's grappling around the city.

Later Mother Panic discovers Hemsley's dead body. So that's one person down who did a thing that Mother Panic needs to avenge (like having sex with young kids, maybe? Perhaps burning down an orphanage? Maybe voting 3rd party?), probably a bunch more to go! It's also time for a flashback to explain her relationship with her brother and the reason for her costume and name, Mother Panic.

Aha! So she's a super nun!

There's also that back-up story about a right-wing podcaster boring people dumb enough to subscribe to his scary alternate version of reality. Oh wait! I forgot he's moved up to radio! So now he can bore all of the people who forget to turn the station after Coast to Coast AM ends!

Cory, the right-wing podcaster, is starting a late night radio show to call out The Batman and turn everybody against him. Boring! He's just another hot take on why Batman is a huge negative for Gotham City and he's going to use evidence from the times shitty writers really painted Batman in a terrible light. At least his audience will only be a couple dozen people and he'll never get popular! No way that'll happen, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I'm not even sure I have this comic on the ranking list. I should probably check. Enh, we'll see if I can find the energy to bother.

Killer Frost Rebirth #1

I hope this is just twenty pages of Killer Frost shaving the side of her head.

This issue is a test to see that Killer Frost can keep her need to kill in check otherwise Batman will have no use for her. It seems odd that Batman and Amanda Waller's entire concern is that Killer Frost doesn't feed on anybody when they know she needs to absorb other people's life force to stay alive. They simply expect her to suffer. At the end of the issue, we see that she's been coping by absorbing small amounts of energy from everybody she comes into contact with instead of completely draining and killing a person every few days. But, again, nobody discusses this with her. I'm not sure if the ending of this issue is supposed to be a revelation that she hasn't quite lost the killer inside of her or that she's just doing what she needs to do in a responsible way. I have to assume that, since she's being sneaky about it, we're supposed to think she hasn't changed as much as she's saying she has. But wouldn't it be better for Batman, who is supposedly the smartest guy ever or something, to discuss the issue with Killer Frost? This issue shouldn't be twenty pages of making sure Killer Frost doesn't take a life even when she's about to die. This issue should be twenty pages of Batman sitting down with Killer Frost and discussing a plan for managing her need to absorb heat. It's not like Batman is recruiting other members for the team and telling one that the can't eat and another that they can't breathe and another that they can never shit. He needs to take fucking responsibility and work out a plan to manage Killer Frost's physical needs! If I were Batman, I'd try to set her up with Lobo. They'd make a nice couple. Lobo would probably love being completely drained while fucking and Killer Frost wouldn't have to worry about killing him either.

What Did I Learn?
I mentioned in a previous Justice League vs. Suicide Squad that Batman was making a great new Outsiders team. But I also only brought that up when Deadshot was one of the pretend members. That's a team I'd like to see. But I also see why it would be wrong to call this team Outsiders and why, symbolically, Orlando needs to call it the Justice League of America. Calling a team with a gay guy, an Asian immigrant, a young black female model, a white female pop star, and Lobo (who represents the MRA or something, I guess) The Outsiders is sending the message that these character types are on the fringes of America instead of that these are examples of the make-up of America. And Batman fills it out by being the rich bastard controlling everybody. See? Perfect metaphor for America!

The Ranking!
Can we just get to JLA Rebirth already?!

Vixen Rebirth #1

What animal do you think Vixen channels when she shits?

Vixen is a superhero that I think could easily have made it on the Doom Patrol. I know they sort of already had Beast Boy so maybe that's why she didn't make the cut. Another reason she didn't make the cut was that she has control over which animal she wants to channel at any one time. If she were really Doom Patrol material, she'd probably still have control over what animal she channels but she'd be even more like the animal and it would be harder to get back to a human state. Also, she would flip into animal behavior easier. So if she were being interviewed for a job, Vixen would have to be really careful not to think of an owl because standing on the back of the chair and tilting your head from side to side ominously before diving at the interviewer's pen probably would cause her to lose the job. Unless that's what the job was for. Then boom! Job acquired!

Not that Mari McCabe (Vixen!) would ever need to go out on a job interview. She's an internationally renowned model! People are dying to see her walk with a dress on! They pay big money for that kind of talent. I know that kind of sounded like I was mocking models and I probably was. But not because I don't think what they do isn't useful. I mean, I do think what they do isn't useful. But I would never mock them for that! I totally want a job doing things that aren't useful! I was kind of mocking them because people who think of the job as something serious take it way too seriously. Sure, there are people on the other end who think it's the stupidest thing in the world and nobody should ever do it. I think that is a poor attitude! Just because something somebody does is stupid that's no reason to decry its very existence. If people are willing to pay money for something, other people will do that thing no matter how many people believe there's no reason for that thing to exist. I'm not into fashion so I don't give a fuck about modeling. But I don't care that modeling exists. It doesn't affect me at all! Sometimes it even helps me because a fashion trend might accidentally line up with the moth-eaten potato sack look with jeans style that I totally rock! It would be nice if people thought I was trendy for once.

So, um, anyway, I totally wasn't mocking modeling. But I was jealously kind of mocking it because wouldn't it be nice to be so good looking you only have to learn to walk a certain way with a certain look on your face and maybe turn around and walk back? Of course you have to be good looking in the way that the people doing fashion and have all the money think is good looking at the time. That's kind of a crap shoot, really. Obviously modeling is a job just like any other job and most people hate being at their jobs. Not always because the job sucks. I imagine modeling can be pretty fun if you're the kind of person who doesn't stress out over every little thing. But it's still a job where somebody else is telling you where you have to be for how many hours and you have to be there even if you'd rather be home playing Overwatch. I guess if your job was staying at home to play Overwatch and you liked doing that, it would be okay. Like, if I actually got paid for writing terrible shit about people's efforts in the comic book industry, I'd probably enjoy that. But that's really about it. Maybe I'd also like to get paid to shit all over people's religions.

The issue begins with Mari McCabe on a talk show called "Impossible...But True!" That stupid title is impossible but true.

Host Angela Chen is an asshole.

I can't imagine this is the first time Angela Chen has ambushed a guest on her show. My guess is that this is her show. So why would anybody go on it? This person might be hurt and angry about their life but how does that mean Mari McCabe is in any way responsible? Why do people like television where people just yell and scream at each other? Fine, I like some television like that! But certainly not the kind that pretends they're doing something meaningful or helping in any way other than helping people who love to jerk off to drama on daytime television. I like shows where people fight like Big Brother because nobody is pretending putting a bunch of narcissists into a house with each other is doing something beneficial. They know it's just to see them fuck and fight and flip out! But what kind of journalism does Angela Chen think she's up to? "This week, I'll destroy the reputation of somebody who is known for doing good by having one person who has a beef with her on the show to yell at her and expose her flaws of not completely helping everybody who thinks they deserve her help! BOOM! Ratings! I mean, better world!"

Goddammit! My rant made me miss a better caption for that picture! I just realized what that girl screamed: "What were you doing that was more important than my mom?" Giggle giggle snicker snicker nudge nudge.

Mari decides she's going to help this bitter little asshole of a girl who thinks she deserves her help. Fucking entitled brat. But, I guess that's what makes Mari a hero and me just a bitter, middle-aged man writing about comic books as I sit in my underwear and stroke my cat.

Mari takes this young girl's words to heart because she lost her mother at an early age as well. She saw her butchered in front of her eyes by some warlord named Kwesi in her home in Zambesi. I chose the word "butchered" because that's how people die in Africa, at least according to every issue of The New 52 Batwing. I suppose sometimes they're also massacred. Batwing's brother even took the name Massacre! Her mother passed down the Tantu Totem but the flashback doesn't get to the part where Mari accepts it yet. She's being a stubborn teenager who doesn't believe in magic. Mari doesn't even don the totem until she decides to help the girl who yelled at her on television.

Mari tracks the girl's mother to a cave where a man named Spiderbite has imprisoned every member of the jury who convicted him of murder. Mari defeats him easily because this is just a single issue story. Heroes only have trouble when the story has to go at least two parts. Then they have to fail before they can succeed or else the entire second half of the story will be denouement. And you can only have so much denouement before readers get antsy.

After a few public heroic acts, Mari returns to jerko Angela's show to introduce the world to Vixen. The subsequent yawn threatens to destroy the world.

What Did We Learn?
We learned Vixen is back and she's going to be in the Justice League of America! Oh, did you learn something else about responsibility and legacies? Well, I can't help what you decided to learn after reading a funny book and taking it too seriously. That's your problem.

The Ranking!
I don't rank one-shots! Unless I do! Then I should have said, "I'm not ranking these JLA one-shots!"

Mother Panic #2

Why is somebody masturbating in the background?

I should be asleep but I am not. So instead, I will read this comic book about a freaked out mom.

So this issue begins where I didn't want the last issue to go because it's depressing and I'm tired and now I have to live with this in my head.

I told you I didn't like the cut of Fred's jib.

So at this point, is it still a mystery how Violet's father died? Or why? Fucking disgusting pig is why. And probably violently is how.

Speaking of violence, is Violet named Violet because it evokes both violence and flowers? Sort of harsh and soft at the same time. And her last name is Paige because she's not real; she's just a story.

Because of the bodyguard, Violet is now also trying to rescue some children who must have been part of Hemsley's art project. The art was actually done by Gala but Hemsley commissioned it. But Violet doesn't know about Gala yet. She can't confront her nemesis too soon or the story loses all of its dramatic tension. Instead, she has to fight the sub-boss of the early level.

I don't know why Violet is after Hemsley. She didn't discover his weird art fetish until after she kidnapped his bodyguard. He must have some other secrets she's discovered that have convinced Violet that he needs to die. Or maybe it's just a personal vendetta, like he insulted her mother or bought some goods off her father for the same price Fred paid.

Violet tracks down Hemsley but can't bring herself to kill him. I guess she never quite got around to learning to pull the trigger. But she does find out where his art was transferred to. So now she can go rescue the kids and discover the next person up on the chain of people she's going to not kill for some reason.

Violet decides to nearly finish her memory of her origin story. As a child fifteen years ago, she confronted her father about Fred's intentions. Her dad insisted that it was not Violet Fred wanted but Violet's mother. Apparently that doesn't soothe Violet's rage because she shoots him in the chest with the shotgun anyway. So that's how her father died! I guess next time, we'll find out how she became Mother Panic?

The back-up story is a back-up story. It features a story that is not the same as the front-down story. It is also not the opposite so I don't know why I called the main story a front-down story. The back-up story is the second part to the first part of the story that appeared at the end of Issue #1. In that one, a radio DJ died. In this one, a right-wing podcaster takes his place. I don't know what happened to the guy with the hood who said, "Thanksgiving."

The Ranking!
No change. Was I supposed to color the cover of this comic book myself? That seems like work and not fun. And since it's work, shouldn't DC pay me for coloring it? Not that I colored it so I guess they're off the hook this time. And not off the hook in the cool way where you get off the hook up in the club. I mean that they got away with it without being punished.

Mother Panic #1

This could be the title of my autobiography.

I have no idea what this comic book is about. I suppose it's about a superhero named Mother Panic. Well, not really a superhero. More like a Protagonist Who Utters Poetically Profound Nonsense Which Makes Young Readers Nod Their Heads In Agreement Because It's No Doubt Artistic. I haven't even read a single page of this comic book and I'm already unbearably cynical about it!

This issue is called "A Work in Progress" which isn't encouraging. It's quite possible Jody Houser turned in the script and forgot to give her script she'd been working on a title. The editors probably didn't notice because they didn't want to question something that was obviously so artsy. If you question art, people think you're stupid. So it's better to just pretend you understand the art the way everybody else is pretending to understand the art.

Some young woman named Violet Paige is returning to her home in Gotham City. She was possibly in rehab or just pretending to be for appearances. She's rich and has lots of fans and one of the first things she does is flip off some reporter asking her a question. He says, "Care to comment on the fact you were seen at Vue with Shawna Schulz right after --," and she says, "Care to comment on your face?"

Do you hear that? That loud thub-a-lump-pitter-snap? That's my heart beating like crazy because I've found my comic book character soulmate.

Also, I should probably work on my heart beating sound effects. If I listen closely, there's a lot more snapping than I made it seem. I think maybe I've eaten too many tater tots over the last forty years.

Fifteen years before the opening scene, Violet went on a camping trip with her father while her mother was raving from some neurological problem. Since Violet decides that's the beginning of her origin story, something terrible must have happened while she was on that trip. Like maybe her marshmallow she was roasting fell off of the stick. Or maybe her mother died while she was gone. Or maybe...you know what? I'm planning on having a good day today so I'm not going to suggest any other terrible things that might have happened to her on this trip that nobody wants to think about. It probably was the mother dying thing anyway.

The first night Violet is back in Gotham, she goes to a fundraiser. At the fundraiser is some bearded guy who got a full page scene about showing his work of art to his boy-toy. He keeps it in a storage facility and, judging by Dominic the Boy-Toy's expression, it's shocking. I bet it has male appendages in it!

Oh, it isn't a camping trip. It's a killing trip!

I don't like the cut of Fred's jib. He might make me acknowledge the thought I was trying to suppress so that my day isn't ruined. But I bet Violet has learned since this moment how to pull the trigger! I bet she's a real anti-hero killer since she has to be some kind of funhouse mirror reflection of Batman. You can't live in Gotham City and not be a reflection of Batman.

Violet is approached by a reporter who wants to talk about her father's disappearance fifteen years ago. Okay! Now we're getting somewhere! Daddy Issues ahoy! Also probably Mommy Issues. And maybe some issues caused by Fred.

It turns out Dominic is not the bearded guy Hemsley's Boy-Toy but his bodyguard. Apparently showing him his "art" was a test and Dominic failed because he tries to ditch Hemsley. Also, Violet is busy following Dominic so that she can kidnap his bodyguard who can lead her back to wherever Hemsley hangs out where she can kill him in private. Maybe. I'm making a lot of assumptions here because I haven't finished reading the story.

But then Mother Panic steps in to save the bodyguard!

And a, um, rabbit shits in a, um, skull?

Don't think that last caption was me questioning that panel! I totally get it! It's so...so...profound! Such art. Man. Incredible! You get it, right? Of course you do! What kind of a dope doesn't understand the whole rabbit in an upside down skull thing! It's like a representation of fertility and mortality. Um, right?

Each criminal beaten down by Mother Panic gets a subliminal picture to go with the pain. So one guy is all, "Ow! I'm like a tree that just got struck by lightning! Not as profound as being beaten like a bunny shitting in a skull but still painful!" Then the next guy is all, "Holy ouch! Seven arrows in a swan!" And the next guy is all, "Melting candles on a birthday cake! SO PAINFUL!" And the final guy is all, "A pink snake eating a rat! I got off easy!"

Mother Panic knocks out the bodyguard so she can take her with him. But first she says, "Fuck the bat," because the kid thought she worked for the Batman. Later, Batman happens upon the scene and he wipes a tear from his eye as he asks Penny-One, "Why would somebody say fuck me? What did I do?!"

Mother Panic (or Violet, of course) takes Dominic back to her mother's indoor gazebo where her mother spends her days singing. Her mother speaks in cryptic sentences that actually mean things if you're into poetically profound nonsense. Like me, of course! So good! And smart!

Elsewhere, Hemsley pays a visit to Mother Panic's real nemesis, Gala. She's a criminal who does art crimes! Murderous art crimes! Who could have guessed?! I suppose I came pretty close to the mark in my initial summation of what I figured this comic book would be. But then it's not hard because it's obvious the Young Animal comic line is meant for pretentious pieces of crap.

Anything can be art if you have enough gall to tell people that it is!

Anybody can take a shit but it isn't art until somebody takes a shit and tells other people that it's art. Sometimes they explain the meaning behind the art so that people nod vigorously and say things like, "Right! Right! I totally see that! What a mind blowing piece!" And sometimes they don't explain it because what can you really say about a piece of shit that hasn't already been said by smarter people who aren't trying to fool everybody into believing you're profound.

Mother Panic questions the bodyguard to find out what Hemsley's been doing. But he isn't blabbing his story or what he saw until next issue. Until then, I'll just have to be content with the back-up story, "Gotham Radio Scene One: 1621."

In it, some radio talk show host is talking about how we're all holes and we just can't get enough dicks stuck in us to ever feel whole. But then he's shot live on the radio by some hooded guy who takes over the microphone and is all, "Thanksgiving." I guess the rest of his deep thoughts about the holiday will come next issue.

The Ranking!
I think I could enjoy this. But I promise I'll continue to be super cynical about it. Because that's my art! To see bullshit in everything. Tearing everything apart is my canvas! Destruction is my creation! I'm just a trite, cliché, petty write who doesn't know how to bare his soul to any other human being! I don't want to fill the hole at all. I just want to be bigger hole!